#fuck figma. i'm excited to never do this again.

[blue-hi]

group project is gonna make me scream. it's due at 4

i'm gonna go bitch in the tags because i have to vent somewhere

[amorficzna]

I feel like I've learned so much about myself and about burnout this last little while.

I was last fired from a really toxic work environment last August, so it's been almost a year without work. Before that I was laid off as part of the continued games industry layoffs. I think at that point I had a very toxic and burned relationship with work.

I am so privileged that I've had the time to recover. My partner has been so good and making sure we've haven't suffered even though our industries fucking suck right now. Because I don't think I even realized how burned out I was. Like, I know that I was burned out - it seemed apparent with how I was going - but not how it actually was. It was seriously affecting my mental health to the point where I was either laying in bed not doing anything for days, or cleaning the house or playing video games or doing whatever for literally 16 hours or more without stopping. Like I think my body was incredibly out of wack. I don't think I really understood "the body keeps the score" until then.

It took me months to find passion in something again. Crochet is great. It was something I actually wanted to do which wasn't just sitting in front of a computer screen. I had no energy to hang with friends or leave the house even though they would have no doubt made me feel better.

I think with finally, finally nothing to do - after years of academic rigor with working on top of it and finishing my masters and trying not to lose my mind with a company that was falling apart around me - my body just went to the other extreme. I can't even explain what was the burn out (versus like, not having the proper meds, or if it was both, or if one was affecting the other, etc.) or what it was really doing to me, but I knew I had it.

There were a few times throughout the last year that I thought I had finally recovered. Pushed myself to apply to jobs and try to turn my hobbies into money making machines (I would still like to do some as side hustles, but not to force it to happen if it doesn't) even though my body was too tired to even think about going to a job every day. Too stressed about being rejected all the shit I dealt with my last job that I couldn't really do it.

All this to say that burn out is so invasive, I just never really realized it. It affected every part of me, and still does! Over the past few months I've slowly, slowly seen myself recovering. Actually wanting to show my work and the best of myself. Thinking about pursuing a PhD, updating my website, learning more figma and graphic design because I've always loved it and want to improve my skills. Things I want to do!

It's so refreshing to, every little while, wake up and realize, "Oh, I was still burned out, but now I'm feeling it slowly get it claws out of me".

I hope it just continues. I'm excited to see what I can become when I don't push myself to the extreme, so much so that the only thing keeping me going is not stopping.