#fuck you Kevin and Sean go find your mom or something

[rocketrouquine]

So I watched the 2 last episodes of Loki (including the finale) and well I have thoughts.

All in all, except for the beginning and the last two episodes, I really thought it was not as good as the first one. (Probably because Majors as Timely was excruciating, I hate when actors are trying stuff like this, it feels forced, it doesn’t work, I wanted to punch him every time he was opening his mouth) BUT …lokius. Yeah let’s talk about it.

It’s crazy to me how in the first season I was all for sylki because I thought their relationship and feelings were really well done and realised (whereas I saw what the mobius shippers saw but thought that it wasn’t really there there) BUT in the second season, I felt absolutely nothing between Loki and Sylvie. There was no more chemistry at all (it was like it never existed in the first place, it was bizarre) and even the actress playing Sylvie played it like a sibling or a good friend kind of fed up, just want to be left alone, not missing him for a second. And Loki pining for her but like a nerd is pining for a cheerleader in a bad teen movie (like boy, you’re not obligated to love her, you know), like you don’t even understand why except for the fact that it was here (emphasis on the was)

NOW Mobius and Loki in the second season ??? BAM 💥 Like sheesh everything : chemistry, banter, touch, exchanged looks,protectiveness, an ease like they are really soulmates. You could feel it all in every single one of their exchanges, it really was like watching a romcom where the protagonist fails to see what is in front of him and I was getting frustrated each time he was going all misty eyes for her, I was like « come on man let her go, we don’t fucking care about her anymore !! » Then, the finale…. The scene with Loki coming to see Don at his place with all the tension of a « is he here for this or ? What should I do? » gay panic, with Loki fucking putting his hair back and taking a breath before going to see him, like WHAT ?! That’s not what a friend does before seeing one other !!! You know what you are doing, so commit for fuck’s sake. But well… then they did (sort of) with the end of the finale. And it gutted me.

The moment with Sylvie and Mobius looking at him through the window… we know you put her there because it would have been impossible to brush it off if it was just Mobius juxtaposed with Loki’s « for you » but we know. I mean the last exchange with Sylvie at Don’s place before Mobius is saying « let time pass » (gu-tted I tell you). You can see that Sylvie is like « whatever » and Mobius is devastated. Also the shot of him in the dialogue was just all Loki’s colors green and yellow (hers was in a normal sunlight, his backlit) That is not an accident, to have these colors you have to plan it the day of the shoot and enhance it in color grading during post. This was a choice.

Anyway, I am not a sylki shipper anymore (and I even question why I ever was, after seeing the second season : I’ll probably cut myself some slack if I do a rewatch of season 1 because it was well executed at the time) and I’m diving in the pits of despair of Lokius. These fuckers.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. At the end of that party with those new dudes Kevin and Randy, you start looking for Bonham to tell her that you’re going home with Kevin. You find them on the couch, kissing heavily. Kevin’s initial reaction comes out before you can tell her the plan. “What are you doing?” he asks. Randy reluctantly looks up and says, “Getting scraped to death by my zipper, what do you want?” How do you, Kevin, and Bonham respond, and how does your night go once you leave?

Me: Well, we’re leaving so we’ll talk to you guys later. 

I pull Kevin away before he can say anything. 

Bons (screaming): Use protection!

Me(Screaming back): You too!

It goes pretty well, and Bons and I recount our nights to each other over takeout and binge-watching tv the night after. 

2. You come back onto your band’s tour bus after a show and you hear Bonham and Sean having a weird conversation. Sean says, “I dunno man, there’s something about having your tiddies sucked that’s just kinda…therapeutic.” Bonham responds with, “How on earth would you know that?” “I have had many a sexual encounter.” “You’re like 12!” How do you respond to this conversation and how do they react to seeing you?

Me: Sean, I really don’t need to hear about your sexual escapades. Please. 

Bons: He’s a literal child! He shouldn’t be doing any of that yet! 

Sean: Bons, I’m 24 almost 25. I have drank with you. I’ve been around the block a few times. 

3. You’re taking out the bathroom trash in your house one day and you see a discarded pregnancy test. It’s not yours, so it can only be Bonham’s. You glance at it without really trying to, and you see that it’s positive. The only trouble is, Randy’s dead and she hasn’t been with Rudy for weeks. You ask your husband Tom about it. What does he say, and who do you two think it is? What does Bonham say when you two bring it up to her?

Tom at first gets ecstatic thinking its mine (we’ve been trying for a long time) we both think it’s Bons but when we ask her she says no. We soon realize it’s my sister’s (who came to visit a couple of days before) and we find out the father is Axl. Which we are now on speaking terms GNR and our band but my sister didn’t want to tell us that she was dating him. 

4. Kevin is driving you and Bonham and Sean somewhere when you get pulled over by a cop. He tries to roll down the driver’s side window, but it’s stuck. “What do I do? There’s no rule for this!” he says. As a joke, Bonham says, “Stick your head out the sunroof.” Kevin is a literal smartass, so he opens the sunroof and has just poked his head out when the cop walks up. “Sup?” Kevin says. How does the cop respond, and how do you, Bonham, and Sean react to his antics?

Cop: Roll down the window, please.

Kevin: You don’t understand, sir. The window won’t roll down. 

Cop: Then step out of the car sir. 

Sean is snickering in the back, Bons is rolling her eyes and I hit Kevin in the side, “Get out of the fucking car and listen to the cop.” 

5. You and Tom invited Bonham over for dinner one day and she’s late. When she gets there you ask what took her so long and at first, she’s hesitant to say. After a while, you tell her, “We won’t get mad, just tell us where you were.” She says, “Alright fine, I was at Kevin’s house. I originally went because he was borrowing my sheet music binder, but he’s not doing so well. He’s not eating or sleeping; he only ate something today because I told him to. I’m really afraid that he might die.” Tom seems unfazed. How do you and Tom respond? Do you get mad that she was there?

Tom: I have no sympathy for him. He can die for all I care. 

Me: Tom! Don’t be a dick. He’s still my friend. Let me go over and check on him. I bet I could get him to eat something. And I’m not mad that you were there. 

Tom: If you’re going over there, I’m going with you. I don’t want him trying something.

We go over and when he sees me his eyes light up and he goes, “BabyCarrot!” Although it deflates a bit when he sees Tom. He nods his head, “Tom.” I get him to eat something and plead with him to go get help. He does listen but only after I beg him to go. 

6. You and Bonham are sharing a blanket one day because it’s really cold. Tom and one of his friends come in and his friend says, “Dude, you didn’t tell me your roommate was a lesbian. That’s like, the hottest shit ever.” Tom just sighs and says, “That’s my wife and her best friend.” How does the friend respond, and how do you and Bonham react to his assumption?

Eric (his bass player): You got married?! 

Tom: Yes you were there last week. You were one of my groomsmen. Maybe if you weren’t strung out on coke you’d remember. 

Eric: Oh yeah! I know Am, you’ve been dating her two years. Sorry I didn’t recognize you since you dyed your hair. 

Me: ...I didn’t dye my hair.

Tom: You’re still fucking coked out. Aren’t you?

Bons: We are just super close friends. You get used to it after a while. 

7. You and Tom decide to visit Bonham’s house one day, and when you get there Kevin is over and she’s giving him advice. They’re sitting on the front porch when you arrive, so they don’t know you’re there right away. You two sneak closer, Tom obviously trying to hear their conversation. You see her pat Kevin on the shoulder and say something, and as she does, Tom shouts, “Just kiss already!” How do they react, and what do you say? What do they say when you and Tom go up to the porch?

Bons: I’m married to Randy. No thank you. I’m good. 

Kevin: Blegh, you’d want me to kiss her? 

Bons: What are you guys doing here?

Kevin: I’ll see you later, Bons. I’m going to get going. 

We tell Bons we’re expecting as Kevin goes down the steps and he stops and comes up and hugs me and Tom before saying, “That’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” After he leaves, Tom goes, “...I didn’t expect that.”

8. You and Tom are hanging out with Bonham one day when out of nowhere Tom says to her, “You need to stop hanging out with that sleazebag.” “Please elaborate,” she says. “Kevin.” “What do you care if I hang out with him you’re not my mom? And I don’t bring him around you two, so what gives?” How does Tom respond, what do you say, and what does Bonham say?

Tom: I just don’t like him. He’s a sleazebag. 

Bons: You just don’t like him because he used to date BabyCarrot and you’re worried he’ll take her from you. 

Tom just stares at her. 

Me: She has a point, Tommy. Although you don’t have to worry. Even though I’m still friends with Kev.  I don’t love him like that anymore. I only have eyes for you.

9. You’re hanging out with QR one day when Kevin tries to tell Bonham what to do. “You’re not my dad.” She says. He steps up behind her and stage whispers in her ear, “No, but if you ask nicely I could be your daddy.” before running his hand down the side of her face. How does she react, and what do you and the rest of QR say?

Bons: Step the fuck away from me before I punch you. 

Me: Kevin, can you stop being annoying for one second?

Randy: Stop being a creep towards my girlfriend. 

Drew: Whoo, she told you. 

Rudy was in the bathroom and came out right at the end, “What? What did I miss?”

10. You and Tom are at a party that Crue threw, both of you hoping to get away from your bands for a while. You’re having a good time when Tom suddenly says, “Oh, fuck no.” You ask him what’s wrong, and he says, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but is that pair over there not Bonham and Kevin?” You look and sure enough, it is. “How did they even know about this?” he says. “If Tommy or Vince were in charge of the invites then they invited Bonham.” you say. Tom looks livid, clearly wanting to give them a piece of his mind. Does he do it? What does he tell them? What do you do? What do they say?

He goes up to them and is about to do it when I dig my fingers into his arm and go, “Tom. I really don’t want to make a scene.” “But he was horrible to you and she still hangs out with him.” “He was not horrible to me.” “He hit you.” “Yeah? And she hit him back because of that. He’s still my friend, no matter how much you hate it.”

We talk pleasantries and I catch up with Kevin. He has a new girl who seems to treat him well. We make plans to meet up for lunch next week with Bons (Tom doesn’t trust Kevin alone with me). 

11. You’re just shutting the door after you put Bonham to bed when she passed out from exhaustion when Linus comes up to you. “Max (your manager) wants to talk to you.” You go see Max and he has the whole band in there. “Good, you’re here. I need to make a suggestion to you all. I’ve been feeling lately that Bonham can’t keep up with the rest of you, and tonight really takes the cake. I’m going to make arrangements to have her removed from the band.” How do you, Erik, Linus, and Sean respond? What does Bonham say when Max gives her the news?

Me: How dare you?! She’s a co-leader of the band. You are not having her removed from the band. 

Erik, Sean, and Linus: Yeah man! 

Max: Well...the label wants us to remove her. 

Me: Well, fuck the label. We’ll go somewhere else. 

I tell Bons the day after and while she’s touched of our loyalty to her she’s also pissed, “I would have been fine. Now we don’t have a record label.” We are picked up very quickly by another one though. 

____________________

1) You and your singer are on a Power Hour episode and Danny is texting Arin to see where he is so you can start. Danny has a confused expression and when you ask what’s wrong, he shows you a long text from Arin. You both read it and its just a string of words and all you gather is something about the Facebook movie and Jessie Eisenberg. You and your singer go ok and about an hour later Arin barges into the room and screams “MARK ZUCKERBERG. That’s the fucker who invented Facebook!” How do you, your singer, and Danny respond?

2) Danny and Arin asked you to bring Tom onto a Power Hour. Your singer finally convinces him and once you get him there you can tell he’s not in his element and is uncomfortable. Arin pulls him into a hug which causes him to stiffen and Danny claps him on the back which almost causes him to fall forward. After the show is over Danny eagerly asks him, “So, what do you think?” There’s a pause before Tom says, “I don’t get why so many people like it and why Bonham and BabyCarrot like to do this so much...It’s kind of stupid.” Arin grumbles under his breath, “Well, Kevin was never like that.” How does Tom respond to Arin’s comment and what do you, Danny and your singer say?

3) You and your singer are at a Bon Jovi concert watching the dress rehearsal as a favor to Jon. After the concert, Jon sits on the edge of the stage with Richie and goes to you and your singer, “So, what did you guys think?” Your singer rubs her eyes and goes, “Jon, you blinded me with all your pyrotechnics. Maybe dial back a bit?” How do you, Jon, and Richie respond?

4) Your singer’s friend, Mick, has joined you on a leg of the tour. They are on the tour bus sitting on the couch. Mick’s head is in your singer’s lap and she is reading while absentmindedly playing with his hair. You come on the bus with Linus, Sean, and Erik and Erik goes, “What are the two of you doing?” Your singer responds, “Just relaxing.” Sean pipes up with, “Are you two dating? I thought you were dating Kevin.” How do your singer and Mick respond and what do you and Linus say?

5) You, Tommy, and Kevin are in line getting food at a truck stop while the tour bus refuels. Kevin looks over at a magazine with a picture of your singer and a guy having lunch and she’s leaning into him and laughing. The headline reads “Who is this new dude? Is she dumping Kevin DuBrow?” You see Kevin’s blood begin to boil and he goes, “I can’t believe she’d fucking do that to me!” Tommy comes up with a bag of chips he’s already opened and is munching on says, “What’s wrong, DuBrow?” Kevin shoves the paper in Tommy’s face. “This is wrong.” Tommy stops shoving chips in his mouth and goes, “Dude...that’s her cousin. The one that’s been on tour with us the entire time.” Kevin blinks. How do you and Kevin respond?

6) You were supposed to go over to Tom and your singer’s house to pick her up for a girls night. You knock on the door but no one comes to answer it. After ten minutes, you use the key your singer gave you and enter the house. The first thing you hear is your singer screaming. You don’t give a second thought but run up to her and Tom’s room and bang open the door. You find Tom overtop of her and the both of them are looking at you. Before you can say anything Tom goes, “Do you mind? We’re a little busy. She’ll be ready to go in like twenty minutes.” What do you say after they open the bedroom door again and how do they respond?

7) Your singer and Nikki have been dating a while (before she dated Kevin) and you and Randy and Nikki and your singer are at a Halloween party. Nikki and your singer disappeared and when they come back you see what looks like two light punctures in her neck. You go, “Oh my god! Are you ok?” Your singer goes, “What?” Before touching her neck, “Oh yeah. I’m fine. Nikki and I just...uh...got busy in one of the guest bedrooms.” Nikki flashes you a shit eating grin and you see his fake vampire teeth. How do you and Randy respond and what does Nikki say?

8) Tom and your singer have just announced their engagement and they are sitting with you and Rudy in your kitchen celebrating. You guys are all talking when all of a sudden, the door bangs open and Kevin comes barging in. He says to you and Rudy (he hasn’t seen your singer or Tom yet), “Can you believe the audacity of them releasing their engagement statement in the same issue as Quiet Riot’s interview?” He rounds the corner to the kitchen and stops dead when he sees your singer and Tom. Tom glares at Kevin and gets up. What does he say or do, what does Kevin say, and how do you, your singer, and Rudy respond?

9) You and your band have been drinking pretty heavily and at one point Linus pats Sean on the head and goes, “You can fit so many dumb fucking decisions in this bad boy.” How does Sean respond to this and what do you, your singer and Erik say? 

10) Tom comes to you and your singer one day and goes, “Can you please cover this song with these guys?” He hands you and your singer a picture and you look up at him, “Britny Fox?” “Yeah, the drummer and guitarist were in my band before we had to replace them to get a record label and I’m trying to get them signed. Please, it would mean the world to them. And me.” How do you and your singer respond? Do you do it? 

11) Tom and your singer have been trying to have a kid since they’d gotten married a year ago. Your singer just found out she was three months pregnant. One day you get a call from her and she’s in hysterics, all you get out of the phone call is, “Get Tom.” You pick Tom up from the recording studio and once you get back to their house, it’s deathly quiet. You find your singer in her and Tom’s room. The sheets are a bit bloody and she’s laying with her back facing you and she’s staring at the wall. Tom says her name softly and she turns to you. She has huge tears in her eyes and they’re very red. She looks to the both of you and goes, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The baby...I...” She can’t get any more out before bursting into tears. What do you and Tom say and what do you do?

@osbournebemydaddy   your turn Bons :)

[dinoalexander]

The Semi-Quotable 2017 Part 4

I never had his problem with Livejournal. I’ve had several problems but never this... Part 4.

——

"Note to terrorists: During WWII, London endured this thing called 'The Blitz'. Google it. They will endure your petty stupidity. Note to Trump: During WWII, London endured this thing called 'The Blitz'. Google it. They will endure your petty stupidity. Keep calm and carry on." -Kevin

"When you scroll to find your name, don't see your name for a really long time, and wonder if you could have squeezed just a couple more fucks in there. Missed fucking opportunities!" -Laura

Jay: "Who doesn't love a Brazilian steak?"

Joe: "Who doesn't love a Brazilian ass!"

C: "Who doesn't love a Brazilian?"

"As soon as American Idol came to America, we were all fucked." -Jenna

"This isn't football, it's boy bands!" -Q

"To quote the great philosopher Cornell Haynes Jr., it's getting hot in herre." -C

"I'll always love UNC but Gonzaga destroyed Tokyo." -Austin

"Make chicken salad out of that chicken shit!" -Q

"If one more person adds me to LulaNotLemon group without asking me, I swear I am going to find every pair of leggings on this island and burn them in a huge bonfire at Bayview Park. #YouveBeenWarned" -Shannon

"Stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face. So I have two, maybe three days to live." -Q

"I got some antibiotics for the bug I've had for over a week. I think it's adorable that CVS colored the antibiotics green for St. Patrick's Day and they taste like mint. I think those lazy bastards just gave me a container of Tic Tacs." Klauss

"I used to date somebody with lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side." -Rammson

"Is that a thing? Because I just made it a thing." -Jordan

“What is the current bar for "most awkward human on the planet" in the Guinness Book of World Records? Cause I wouldn't mind getting something back for all my suffering.” -Christina

“You’re like a WetJet with a lab degree!” -Q, on cleaning up the ER doc’s messes

“Supporting my husband’s love for this awful team.” -Kyle

“THANKS FOR NOTHING, CRABTREE!” -Robin

"Had homey on some Globetrotter shit." -Jabari

"NBC: Where Every Night at 8 PM is Fuckin' Christmas." -Klauss

“Diane, it’s ‪Tuesday, August 1st‬ and I’ve stumbled upon quite a few mysteries here at Fashion Peaks. Tully the horse has been sent to the glue factory, The Ascension has a very peculiar taste in music, and my partner, Deputy Dango, has been abducted - possibly by extraterrestrials. That leaves me with two questions: One, who kidnapped Fandango? Two, why didn’t I just call you instead of record this?” – Tyler Breeze

“Wait, so that giraffe still hasn't given birth? Have we explored the possibility that the zookeeper just overfed her a few months ago and lied instead of admitting the mistake?” - Nedeff

“Just finished watching ‪Die Hard‬ for the first time (we can discuss later). ‪Die Hard‬ is 100% not a Christmas Movie. Just because it ends with Christmas Music doesn’t make it a Christmas Movie.” – Dan O’Toole with the most wrong hot take of 2017

“We're still gonna get near-daily articles trying to Understand The Le Pen Voter though right” @pattymo

“Of course any portrayal of a real-life figure is about so much more than physical resemblance, but come on guys: how did they NOT cast Christopher Plummer as J. Paul Getty in the first place?” – Richard Roeper

“Danny Ainge the only American who can outsmart a Russian.” – David Dennis Jr.

“The Yankees haven’t been in the playoffs in a while so I forgot how punchable Brett Gardner’s face is” – Brad Rutter

“HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – Dougie Jones

“There’s no fucking way he sold 200 Streamdaddy’s” – Prez on IYH

“By far the most bizarre trivia fact about Dean Stockwell to me is that he’s a trained martial artist.” – Allison Pregler

“Don’t Worry, We’ll Let You Know When The Last Surviving World War II Veteran Dies” - ClickHole

“And I thought Ashley Judd’s sleaziest boss was Benjamin Horne.” – Ken Jennings

“Because hey, if you lose $35 Million one time, try try again!” – Scott Keith on Vince McMahon relaunching the XFL

“I don't recommend going to Wal-Mart 2 days before Christmas. And by "2 days before Christmas", I mean ever.” – BFG

“Pepsi: That was the biggest PR blunder of the week, year maybe.

United: Hold My Beer

Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEERROOOOOOOY JEEEENNNNNNKINS!” - @Lance_Bradley

“IF THE TITANIC HAPPENED TODAY: “Sir, we’re heading straight for that iceberg. / That’s a fake iceberg. / Sir, it’s a mountain of ice and it’s right in front of us. / Full speed ahead! / Sir, we just hit the iceberg and now we’re sinking...Sir?...Women & children first, Sir...” – Jeff Daniels

“Hot on the heels of his triumphant rebranding of MySpace, Justin Timberlake brings sexy back to the NFL.” – Kevin M.

“Derek Jeter is so freaking hot. I hate the Yankees!” – Greg’s friend Kat’s mother

"Marty Jannetty couldn't buy a date..." thankfully 24 years later Marty will make sure his dates don't share his DNA...” - Dane

“Next year's State of the Union should have an In Memoriam montage with everyone who's been fired.” - Nedeff

“What can bring an end to an angry dance montage? FUCKING ‘NAM!” – The Cinema Snob

“IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BUNNY! ………… Is it about the Bunny? ………. No, it’s not about the bunny.” – Tommy “Hawk” Hill

“WARREN WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?” -Jimmy Kimmel after the Oscar Best Picture fuckup

“GOODBYE AOL INSTANT MESSENGER GO FUCK YOURSELF” – The Iron Sheik

“A producer pitches a show to an NBC executive.

"Wow me."

"Okay- it's The OJ Simpson Trial... but wacky!"

"Go on..."

"It's a procedural comedy where we don't know whether he did it until the end of the season!"

"But... this is a murder, right? Someone dies?"

"Oh, yes- good 'n' dead."

"I see... and who were you thinking would play the role of the is-he-isn't-he murderer?"

"The Trinity Killer from Dexter, John Lithgow."

"Dick Solomon?! GREENLIGHT THAT ISH" - Fard

“EVERYTHING TRUMP TOUCHES DIES!” – Rick Wilson

“Can’t believe Weinstein didn’t go with the old “locker room talk” defense.” – Matthew Yglesias

“So here's what we're gonna do. Without my knowledge, my husband came to you for a loan of $20,000. You were nice enough to give it to him. But he should never have been gambling like that. I'm gonna pay you back. Now, at my bank, where we make less than one percent interest on what little money we have, people would be turning cartwheels just to get 25 percent interest on any loan, and that is what I'm generously gonna give to you right now, $25,000. That is my first, last, and only offer to you. What kind of world are we living in where people can behave like this? Treat other people this way without any compassion or feeling for their suffering? We are living in a dark, dark age, and you are part of the problem. Now, I suggest you take a good, long look at yourselves because I never want to see either of you again.” – Janey-E Jones

“If professional wrestling isn't real why have I spent the past hour watching Bobby "The Brain" Heenan videos quietly alone in my hotel room?” – Tom Arnold

Gordon Cole: “We’re not anywhere near Mount Rushmore.”

Albert Rosenfield: “I brought a picture for you.”

Gordon Cole: (Looks at picture) “There they are Albert, faces of stone.”

“This is pretty exciting to be apart of this nomination for @VeepHBO especially since my mom watched the entire last season of Madame Secretary and was confused why I was never on it.” – Paul Scheer

“Nice to know that while other industries are turning to tablets and screens, game show hosts are still plugging away with those little cards.” – SC Duncan

“We will remember the unappreciative, ungreatful, evil, awful, Anthem owl men and the man who’s fond of slapping nuts on how they treated us on our exodus from Impact Wrestling YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” – Matt Hardy shooting on Double J’s business practices

“Steve Bannon gets tonight’s Last Word – which for him, is the complete silence of utter humiliation” – Lawrence O’Donnell

“SHOVEL YOUR WAY OUT OF THE SHIT!” – Dr. Lawrence Jacoby

“Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough love moment that you needed, to urge you on, right? Don't you think? Let's just say it was. Look, you screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing: you took the dog to the clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... alright, not my best analogy. I just wanted to mention that I think with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team. There's about 50 reporters behind that door, real ones, not bloggers, so when you're ready...” – Tony Stark

“In the Alabama Senate Race, the predicted result among many pundits was a narrow margin of victory. Roy Moore himself, however, was hoping for a shocker in the teens.” – Nedeff

“Sports Illustrated called and said I was probably going to be Sportsman of the Year, but it was going to take a long photo shoot and interview. I’m not proud of my recent perm and have a interpretive dance class at the interview time so I turned it down! No Thanks SI!!” – Noah Syndergaard

“Wow, if I had invested $1,000 in Bitcoin last week, today I would have... still no idea how Bitcoin works.” - @StephenAtHome

“In a confusing twist, Han Solo's name will be revealed to be Luther Campbell.” – Jeff Gerstmann

“Lordy, I hope there are tapes!” – James Comey

“This is the water, and this is the well. Drink full, and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes, and dark within.” – The Woodsman in Episode 8 of Twin Peaks: The Return 

“We need some loving profiles of a small town in northern Alabama that thinks obstruction of justice is fine because Drumpf respects cops.” – Matthew Yglesias

“Why are Greg Gumbel and Seth Davis sitting at a desk for ants?” – Andrew Bucholtz

How many more of these things will Tumblr tolerate? Stay tuned...

[esthermeronobaro]

FYF Fest 2013: My Bloody Valentine Fairy Tale

This review was first published on slugmag.com on Aug. 30, 2013. Read it here. Photos: Tod Seelie

The Choice of a New Generation

Ten years ago I was 17 years old. I "road tripped" 40-minutes south of the small, sinkhole town I lived in to one slightly more populated (with rest homes) for my first concert at a venue imaginatively named the Electric Theater. The headliner didn't make it that night––van troubles or something––but I still have the ticket taped to the brick I claimed as my laptop and covered in Weezer stickers. That year also marked my first mutual boyfriend, and my very first kiss––also mutual.

Around the same time, a kid in Los Angeles named Sean Carlson, just a couple of years older than me in 2004, decided to "boldly go where no man has gone before"––probably to impress some babes––and started Fuck Yeah Fest by booking some shows in a bunch of venues around the city. Honestly, anything I write here about his story is speculation, as the "About" section on the FYF website was blank up until this year, when a lineup history magically appeared along with a link that makes me wish I had requested an interview with the man himself, rather than vying for time with the dazzling lineup of bands at this year's festival.

Regardless, the little information I could piece together about FYF's history, along with this telling Wikipedia page and the clever, generational details observed at FYF Fest 2013––from stages named after Sex and the City characters to the exclusively '90s movie sequel trailers playing after dark between sets on the main stage monitors––give me the confidence to declare that Carlson and I have a common goal, and this past weekend, we sold out together.

Nobody Jaywalks in LA

I have a love-hate relationship with Los Angeles. The reliable weather, the [overcast] beaches, the abundance of vegan food, and its general "vacation" vibe are all reasons why I forget how much I hate all the concrete, the snotty attitudes, the careless drivers and mind-numbing traffic. I know FYF Fest was organized by a like-minded individual because doors aren't until 2 p.m., which means plenty of time to sleep or read a book while shivering on a hotel towel in seagull-infested sand. On our way to one such aquatic adventure, a perfectly manicured 20-something bumps into the back of our rental, causing a few hours delay and ultimately leading to an untimely appearance at the festival, but I am happy to let Dan Deacon introduce me to my FYF 2013 experience. Technical difficulties result in an atypical Dan Deacon set that is more stand-up than music––which works out because I'd missed the comedy during the first part of the day. He makes fun of his balding head, apologizes for all the glitches and the fact this is, indeed, their final song, and manages to still blow me away in his final five minutes on stage with a rainbow light show, two frenetic live drummers, an improvised monologue, and electronic music that sounds like a band made up of Jane and Michael's playroom toys brought to life by Mary Poppins.

Eye Wonder Who Karen O Dates?

When I was a teenager, I used my weekly church attendance as a runway show. At school, I wore the same drab clothes as everyone else, but at church, I was ahead of every revivalist movement: goth, Bohemian, ’60s, ’90s––you name it. I was also a master hair braider, but that’s another story. Now, all I really care about is being comfortable, maximizing my assets and minimizing my … well, other ass-ets. Karen O lives out every minute of her stage life like the rowdiest runway show you’ll ever see––this ain’t no mall walkway with waifs in pastel––and for this reason (OK, and because the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ music is awesome), I find myself at the Carrie Stage on Saturday night. The YYYs’ latest album, Mosquito, has already become a go-to on my playlists, and as Karen O comes on stage in a dirty-blonde bob, sparkling pantsuit (with shorts), pink knee socks and colorful sneakers and moves right into the title track, she sucks all the energy from the thousands gathered and blasts it back in wild yelps and guttural screams. 

The songs move into each other seamlessly, congruent with Karen O’s wardrobe changes. They’re more raw and punk-infused live, and favorites include “Gold Lion,” “Runaway,” “Cheated Hearts” and “Sacrilege”––whose gospel wails follow me out of the festival at the end of the night. A thick, long bright-yellow cord connects to her mic and she moves it around her body like a snake, pulling it over her shoulder, spinning it above her head, and to everyone’s delight, pushing it into her open mouth as a long, throaty moan envelops us like an electric blanket bursting into flame on contact. She dons her famous studded “KO” leather jacket for “Zero,” and at one point, even pushes a headlamp onto her head like a third eye. Speaking of eyes: From the back of the stage, before anyone can look twice, a giant inflatable eyeball is pushed into the crowd midway through––which I guess has been happening at all of their shows, but is a complete surprise to me. As I watch the spectacular performance, all I can think is, “Damn, I wonder who Karen O dates.”

Beach House Lullabies

Sitting on my FYF Fest map, looking at everyone’s dirty faces while I wait for Beach House, I ease into Sunday. In back of the Carrie Stage, there looks to be a wall of vertical wires shimmering as the sun sets, like those fountains at fancy restaurants that look like pouring rain. The dream pop duo are joined by an extra musician so as to maintain the luscious layers of music they’ve created for nearly a decade. I’m far enough from the stage that the people are blurs of slow-moving flesh, but the background shows a starry mess of lights, supplementing the dingy L.A. sky above me, while puffs of smoke from the front of the stage look like bubbles. The coolness of Victoria Legrand’s whispers is complemented by blue lighting, and as the wire wall behind the band starts to move with crimson shapes and the audience sways back and forth, I feel like I’m watching a concert under the sea.

Family Matters

Across the country, Miley Cyrus is pushing her chicken butt into Robin Thicke as Solange drops to her knees with class on the Charlotte Stage in a bright, patterned sweater and Lisa Simpson haircut, gyrating to the funky, retro bass lines thumping behind her. "Let's turn this into a grind fest," she croons into the mic, and immediately, all the white kids around me drop two inches and start shuffling back and forth. Ever since watching 20 Feet From Stardom, I've been keen on any act with back-up singers, and I know that, regardless of Solange's down-to-earth vibe, the sister of Beyonce Knowles will surely boast some classic R&B bells and whistles. As her back-ups ooh and aah, giving the set glimpses of Destiny's Child influence, Solange shows off dance moves that are comparable to her big sis––though they'd feel more at home in an intimate club full of eclectic jazz-hounds than a post-apocalyptic music video set. It must be difficult to have your work constantly thrown up against that of a worldwide pop culture icon's––but really, don't we all live in Beyonce's shadow? As if reading our minds on whether her notable family members might be hiding backstage, Solange happily mentions her mom has come to watch, and lightly asks everyone to say, "Hello Mom." Now that there is no question as to whether or not Beyonce is present, we can enjoy Solange for who she is and what she has to offer: soulful, classic, booty-shakin' music with a '90s twist.

Well, What Other Bands Are There Now?

Sunday is a hazy blur of romantic waves. "We're in this together," is our mantra, and every piece of life and media thrown our way parallels the past year in a microscopic experience. The Breakfast Club plays out in the hotel room as we make our way to the metro, but sit on opposite ends of the aisle, looking past each other to the other side of the weekend in silent repose. As we walk inside, Flume beats like a mad heart in the aptly named Samantha Tent in the center of the grounds, and there we break apart to Melvins and Beach House, respectively, meeting back in the middle for Solange.

Washed Out's "Feel It All Around"permeates the festival grounds as we sit on a curb, sticking morbid PETA stickers on each other's plaid button-ups and thinking about not 10, but 20 years ago, when the '90s meant divorce and new schools and new friends. Washed Out fades away and 2005's summer anthem, "Time to Pretend," sounds out at the south end of the park on the Carrie Stage. Like an oracular beam of light, groups of kids walk past us toward the music, which becomes unfamiliar until the intro of "Kids" marches into our ears, and we know MGMT's set is nearly over, making room for a different tractor beam of noise.

Just about everyone has made jokes about it, but the warnings that pop up between flashes of inculcating "FYF Fest––Best Weekend Ever," trailers for Batman and Robin, and "Next Up … My Bloody Valentine," are very real, along with the bright orange earplugs we pick up at the info booth. This feels new, but in a regurgitated way, mimicking the nervous expectation of that first show I attended 10 years ago. The past six months have culminated into this recursive moment, which I've subconsciously set up as a reset to infinity. Taking a good five minutes to get my earplugs just right so I won't have to mess with them again, I wait in anticipation with everyone around me, but really, just one other person, because this is our moment. The lights drop and the letters "m b v" appear like blood surfacing on a swirling blue pool in the background. The stage looks crowded already with towers of amps, but as the musicians file in, they fit into their respective positions like the last pieces of a puzzle. Kevin Shields leans into the mic, and though I'm too far to make out facial features, and the giant monitors to each side show nothing, his shoulder-length, frizzy white hair is illuminated by the blue light behind him, giving his crisp and single "Hello" an ethereal quality.

I expect a wall of noise to push us all backward from the very first note, but we're eased into the music like a first kiss with one of my favorites, "I Only Said." My Bloody Valentine's most critically acclaimed album may be called "Loveless," but there is a tangible romance inside the static and reverb, which is why we're here together, arms wrapped around each other. I don't have most of the track names memorized, but I know Loveless' melodies and whispers by heart, and though muffled by the foam in my ears (which I end up repositioning so they're not quite so stifling), I smile wider with each song I recognize. We're enjoying the on-and-off violence of "Only Shallow" as the background turns to fiery noise, the amps opening their mouths like dragons and short, shadowed glimpses of Bilinda Butcher's sparkling red guitar––matching her hair and heels––move on the screens––and then silence. I look up from my sway and see the band still playing. More heads in the audience pop up and audible panic swells. The guitars turn back on like a switch, but it happens again, and I fear the magic lost. I feel like Dorothy, peering behind the curtain to see the truth. Just humans with big machines. All seems lost. For some in the audience, this is just another show, another checkmark on their list of bands to see, and these technical glitches are simply minor annoyances. To me, they're stabs in my back. Waves of doubt and despair wash over me as I question the past year-and-a-half, seemingly reflected in the blown speakers and five-minute interruption.

Shields announces the end of their set, apologizing for the difficulties and throwing us a bone by dubbing us their best audience thus far. It feels insincere and only makes it worse. They move into their final song, which I later find out is "You Made Me Realise," from their EP of the same name released in 1988. It's a discordant track, bouncier than anything on Loveless, but I'm frozen in place. The song seems to end, at least the melody, and in its place, the slow climax of thunderous noise rockets from the stage. I'm still frozen, but this time, I can't stop staring at the noise displayed visually on the backdrop. I know it's dumb, it's cliche, but I can't remember how long I stood there. A tractor beam of the loudest music I have ever heard holds onto me, and like a strong dose of radiation, clears away the malignant thoughts that had built up in my brain. I tear myself away and search for recognition in the faces around me. A few creased foreheads express confusion, but for the most part, My Bloody Valentine has managed to baptize an audience of thousands with a single, reverberating chord. I'll learn later that this part of the song is rightfully called "Full Holocaust," and after what seems like a lifetime of eleventh hours (but was only five minutes), they fall back into the melody and finish out the song. We turn around with everyone else to walk out of the festival grounds, but I barely noticed the crowd. "It was like the biggest 'fuck you’ to every band who has ever said they're loud!" I exclaim, thinking it's a witty thing to say. There's more going on in my mind, but for now, I feel relieved and hopeful. It's not until we're back at the hotel, packing silently for the plane ride back home in the morning, that it all comes into perspective. He says, "Well, what other bands are there now?" All the moments––the good, the bad, the hopelessness, the elation––they've culminated here and will repeat into infinity––and you made me realise, it will always be with you.

[omar-199x-blog]

first and last time ill post about myself (maybe)

* 1: name omar * 2: Age 19 * 3: Fears oblivion * 4: 3 things I love Food, Art, my girl * 5: turn ons my girl * 6: turn offs everyone else * 7: My best friend savannah then james 2nd just cause he knows me well * 8: Sexual orientation i am a male. penis and all. * 9: My best first date dont remember * 10: How tall am I 5'7 ish lol * 11: What do I miss the way holidays use to feel * 12: What time were I born an inconvenient one * 13: Favourite color lol black, red, grey * 14: Do I have a crush no i have a gf * 15: Favourite quote you get what you give * 16: Favourite place i hate crowds lol but i love the city especially during arts festivals * 17: Favourite food anything home made, steak and seafood are both at the top * 18: Do I use sarcasm when im using english * 19: What am I listening to right now Migos * 20: First thing I notice in new person how much they talk and what about * 21: Shoe size 10.5 US * 22: Eye color brown * 23: Hair color black * 24: Favourite style of clothing ummm... shit if its black, fits loose and is casual enough for hang outs but also stylish for dinner dates, you set * 25: Ever done a prank call? once and the cops came saying it wasnt funny * 27: Meaning behind my URL its my name and i was born in the 90's *shrug* * 28: Favourite movie i love all kinds of movie its hard to pick a favorite * 29: Favourite song gold steps / Neck Deep * 30: Favourite band BMTH/NeckDeep/Deftones * 31: How I feel right now annoyed as always * 32: Someone I love savannah marie * 33: My current relationship status almost a years worth of lovin * 34: My relationship with my parents all up in my life * 35: Favourite holiday christmas/thanksgiving * 36: Tattoos and piercing i have none and none but coming soon * 37: Tattoos and piercing i want a thigh piece that'll be across both a chest piece of the quote i put up there ears and nose but my girl dont like the idea of my nose * 38: The reason I joined Tumblr it was cool in 2013 * 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? lol kat is a bitch for leading me on into a relationship i thought she was actually gonna dedicate to * 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? texts and phone calls from my gf * 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? all the time * 42: When did I last hold hands? last time i saw savannah * 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? depends on where im headed to * 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? not in the past 19 years * 45: Where am I right now? on bluemound omw to work * 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? savannah we usual go out together * 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? loud unless we chillin and talkin * 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? about to be neither in like a week but my dad * 49: Am I excited for anything? moving out, tattoos, painting, cooking, working out * 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? savannah * 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? ehh if im mad u can tell * 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? told my grandparents bye while leaving for work * 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? id go crazy and probably kill both of them * 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lol yeah cause he dont keep secrets well * 55: What is something I disliked about today? i didn't see sav * 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? André3000, Big Boy, Johnny Depp, Lenny Kravitz, and Post Malone lol ;Posty because he from round my city so we could vibe easily * 57: What do I think about most? life and how im failing or acing it * 58: What’s my strangest talent? it wouldnt be strange to me so idk * 59: Do I have any strange phobias? fuck caterpillars, fuck slugs, and snails whatever phobia that is * 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? haha both but im usually behind it * 61: What was the last lie I told? im not hungry * 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? otp cause idk what to do with my face on facetime * 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes theres greater and more advanced beings than us and also souls dude they can choose to stay or go so like duh * 64: Do I believe in magic? yeah * 65: Do I believe in luck? ya * 66: What’s the weather like right now? breezy i work outside so perfect * 67: What was the last book I’ve read? i start books and halfway start another * 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? FCUJ YES lol idk why its like dude i should be getting high of this smell but its not making me high wtf * 69: Do I have any nicknames? omii (oh-me) , catfish , choncho * 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? broke my arm, nose, and ankle * 71: Do I spend money or save it? both when needed * 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no * 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? what? no * 74: Favourite animal? red pandas * 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? at work * 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? sama * 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? hey ya / outkast * 78: How can you win my heart? being sav * 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? "See ya later losers" * 80: What is my favorite word? trudge * 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr um idk their specific url's but i follow a graffiti one, a music one, a painting one, and some others similar to these * 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? stop with all the hate man, if someone isn't harming you or effecting your life specifically let them be. let people do what they want to do and dont harm. thats it. * 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? did, he passed away. * 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? teleportation * 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? if im hungry because its a yes 100% of the time * 86: What is my current desktop picture? my uncle who passed away * 87: Had sex? ya * 88: Bought condoms? ya * 89: Gotten pregnant? not possible * 90: Failed a class? ya * 91: Kissed a boy? no * 92: Kissed a girl? ya * 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? ya * 94: Had job? ya * 95: Left the house without my wallet? yes * 96: Bullied someone on the internet? lol ya * 97: Had sex in public? no * 98: Played on a sports team? ya * 99: Smoked weed? ya * 100: Did drugs? ig * 101: Smoked cigarettes? yea * 102: Drank alcohol? yerp * 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? nah nah i love steak * 104: Been overweight? still am * 105: Been underweight? yea * 106: Been to a wedding? yes * 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? i guess maybe * 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? yea * 109: Been outside my home country? yes * 110: Gotten my heart broken? i suppose * 111: Been to a professional sports game? yes * 112: Broken a bone? a couple * 113: Cut myself? by accident * 114: Been to prom? yea * 115: Been in airplane? yes * 116: Fly by helicopter? nah * 117: What concerts have I been to? Kevin Gates, Big Sean, Jeremih, Carnage, RaeSremmurd, Post Malone, Russ, Future, J Cole * 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? hella nah * 119: Learned another language? spanish * 120: Wore make up? for theater * 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? yes * 122: Had oral sex? yes * 123: Dyed my hair? no * 124: Voted in a presidential election? no * 125: Rode in an ambulance? recently * 126: Had a surgery? yes * 127: Met someone famous? yes * 128: Stalked someone on a social network? no * 129: Peed outside? yes * 130: Been fishing? many times * 131: Helped with charity? yea * 132: Been rejected by a crush? dont think so * 133: Broken a mirror? no * 134: What do I want for birthday? an apartment * 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 4 - 2 boys first 1girl then another boy i only know my first sons name will be Aiden * 136: Was I named after anyone? no * 137: Do I like my handwriting? hell nah * 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? headphones * 139: Favourite Tv Show? shameless, Friends, family guy * 140: Where do I want to live when older? on my own * 141: Play any musical instrument? no * 142: One of my scars, how did I get it? forearm surgery 2 plates 11 screws * 143: Favourite pizza toping? pepperoni * 144: Am I afraid of the dark? sometimes * 145: Am I afraid of heights? no * 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? yes plenty * 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? eh life * 148: What I’m really bad at life * 149: What my greatest achievments are finding my gf * 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: idk * 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery get tf outta here and go be alone * 152: What do I like about myself theres only one me * 153: My closest Tumblr friend none * 154: Something I fantasise about eat food from around the world * 155: Any question you’d like how was my day? eh i woke up at 2pm and haven't had any food yet so im pretty grumpy

[classic-rock-roller]

1. Bonham is joining your family for dinner one night and right from the start, your sister is giving her shit for being fat. She’s letting it slide until meal time comes. Bonham asks, “Could you please pass the potatoes? They’re delicious.” Your sister just looks at her and says, “Ethically I don’t think I should.” This is upsetting to Bonham. How do you respond? What does Bonham say? What do your parents say?

Me: Corinne...shut up and stop being rude before Bons punches you in the face. 

Bons: I wouldn’t punch her in the face. 

My mom: Corinne that was rude and uncalled for. You need to apologize. 

My dad sits there very uncomfortable. 

2. A production company approaches your band and pitches their idea to you. They want to make a movie set in the 1800s, but the actors will all be musicians. Their ideal casting is as follows

Gentleman Character: Kevin

Sensitive Man: Tom

Overly Theatrical Funeral Home Director: Erik

Cross Dressing Teen: Sean

Super Rich Dude who is actually a Horny Scumbag: Randy

Perfect Southern Belle: Bonham

Linus: Flamboyant character that you can’t tell if they’re a dude or not

Undecided: You, Rudy, Carlos, Frankie, Crue.

Each person’s character is the exact opposite of their personality in real life. It will be a true testament to any acting abilities you all have. Which roles do the undecided players get? Who all accepts the offer? How does the film turn out with those who accepted?

I end up being the barmaid in charge of the bar and the other barmaids, Rudy is the outlaw, Carlos is the mayor of the town, Frankie is the deputy, Mick is the Sheriff, and the rest of the Crüe boys are miners. We all do which the director loves because then he doesn’t have to find anyone else. It doesn’t turn out too bad. Although some are better at acting that others. 

3. Bonham has just learned to play the bass and wants to play it for your band sometimes. “You can’t have 2 basses in a band though, it’s not the same as other instruments.” Linus comments. You all agree, since it’s a fair point, but wonder how to proceed. Finally, the idea comes to you all that she and Erik could do dueling basses. Every show while the rest of the group takes intermission, they’ll duel it out on basses (like Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield would do with the drums). How do you and the rest of your band like the idea? How do the crowds like it? What do you all say?

I love this idea because I’ve always loved the dueling guitars concept except that we never found someone to meet Linus’ standards. 

Linus and Sean think its great because it means they get to take a break once in a while. 

The crowds go wild over it. They find it amazing and it makes Erik and Bons bond more as friends. They’ll plan while licks to play off each other. And we become known as the band who duels basses every night. 

4. Kevin is leaving on a plane to visit some family during the spring just after you got with Tom. You’ve known Bonham has had feelings for him for ages but she’s a chickenshit and hasn’t done anything about it. You’re all seeing him off at the airport. The flight attendant is getting ready to call up the boarding groups. Kevin stands up and wishes you all goodbye, but then, very suddenly and in a moment of 80s-esque theatrics, Bonham goes up to him and says, a little too loudly, “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!” and kisses him passionately. How does he respond? What do you and Tom say? What do you think of her terrible theatrics?

Kevin slowly opens his eyes, “...whoa.” 

I squeal because I’ve been hoping Bons would do that for weeks and Tom goes, “Jesus Christ.” I pull her into a hug and go, “It took you long enough. I was waiting for you to kiss him. I’ve known you had a thing for him for weeks. You’re not good at hiding it.” 

5. Bonham has been in a bit of a depressive rut lately, and she’s been saying that she wishes she could feel something. You blow it off, as does everyone else; she’s been overly dramatic before, it’ll pass. One day, you and her Tom and Kevin are driving around in a vintage 1964 Ford Galaxie. She clicks the car’s cigarette lighter when Kevin asks her to, and when it’s ready, she pulls out the knob thing (idk what it’s called. sue me.), but instead of handing it to Kevin she looks at it for a moment, contemplating, until you see her stick it deliberately on her thigh. She’s screaming in pain, and eventually you pull over (you’re driving) and ask her, “What the hell?” Through her tears she says, “I just wanted to feel something.” What do you all say to that? How bad is her burn? What do you do next?

I pull over within two seconds of her screaming. I pull it out of her hand and glare at her, “Don’t ever do that again, ok? You worry me. Let me see.” It’s a second almost third-degree burn and I drive her to the hospital. When it’s bandaged I go, “Please be more careful, please. You worry me. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”  

6. You and Bonham and Sean and Kevin and Tom are in the studio one day working on the soundtrack to your band’s biopic. Everyone except Sean is in the room looking over some promotional photos, and Sean soon comes in with a peanut butter sandwich. At one point you ask what he thinks, and he just says, “You guys ready for some awesome ASMR?” before making smacking sounds with the peanut butter in his mouth. How do you all respond?

Me: ahh! Sean! Knock it the fuck off that makes my spine crawl. 

Erik: Stop chewing with your mouth open, it’s disgusting. 

Linus (rolling his eyes and huffing): Idiot. 

Tom: Man, stop it, that’s gross. 

Bons is ignoring him and continuing to look over the promotional photos.  

7. You come home one day to find Tom and Kevin and Bonham sitting out on the front porch. Tom’s in a chair with his phone, and Bonham and Kevin are on the step facing each other with water in their mouths. As you walk up, Tom reads a stupid joke from his phone, and Kevin and Bonham struggle not to laugh. Soon enough, they both fail to keep a straight face. Bonham’s water just kind of drops out of her mouth, but Kevin’s spews out all over Bonham. Tom says, “Point for Bonham. Reset.” “what are you doing?” you ask. “This is the spit take challenge. They both get a mouthful of water, I tell a dumb joke, and whoever spews farther loses. It’s pretty funny cause Kevin’s really bad at it.” Tom explains. How do you respond? Do you let them keep going? Who wins in the long run?

“Well...that’s a game.” 

I let them keep going and Bons wins in the long run because she doesn’t spew everywhere. 

8. Bonham was just released from jail, but she still won’t tell you why. You and her are hanging out with Kevin and Tom one day when Kevin grabs her around the waist and kisses her neck and says, “You’re mine.” She doesn’t even look him in the eye and says, “I’m on probation right now so I belong to the state of Colorado.” How do you, Tom, and Kevin respond? What do you think she did?

Kevin pouts, “You’re no fun.”

Me: What did you do?”

Tom: Yeah, what did you do that you got probation. 

I think she got into a fight and punched out a guy and I’m right. The news is all over this because of how famous our band is. 

9. You and Tom and Kevin are waiting for Bonham to get off work so you can all go out. She gets home and promptly collapses on the couch, her head in Kevin’s lap, and groans. “What’s your deal?” Tom asks. “I just moved 3500 pounds of tile almost singlehandedly, I am not in the mood for your shit today.” She groans again. How do you and Kevin respond? How does Tom react? How does the evening go?

Me: Ok, well, Tom and I’ll go home. You seem like you need rest. 

Bons (Struggling to get up): No, I can go out. 

Kevin: Are you sure, honey? We can stay in so you can relax?

She groans as she tries to get up. 

Tom: That’s it! I’m ordering takeout. We’ll watch a movie here. 

We get Chinese takeout and eat it while watching a comedy. It’s a pretty good night. 

10. Your band (+ Kevin and Tom) are helping out a local high school with their spring musical since Bonham wrote it and it features songs from all of your bands. On the first day when you get there, you’re admiring the set when the theatre director says to one of the students, “Nicole, will you show these fine folks around? I’ve got to take roll.” A student comes up to you and says, “Hi, I’m Nicole, I’m playing the lead in this–whoa, you have some massive tits.” She’s staring at Bonham, and she said it really loud, so now the whole auditorium full of teenagers are staring. How does Bonham react? What do you and your band and Kevin and Tom say? How does sitting in on rehearsal go?

Bonham blushes a bit but ignores the comment. 

Kevin: You bet she does! 

Which makes Bons blush more. 

Tom: Kevin! There are teenagers present. Shut up. 

I roll my eyes. 

Linus(to the student): That was very rude of you. You should apologize. 

Sean is in the bathroom 

Erik: Jesus, Linus. It was an accident, relax. 

The student apologizes profusely. Us sitting in doesn’t go too bad.

11. Bonham and some guy friends of hers are helping to remodel yours and Tom’s new house. They’re offloading tile from the truck when she picks up a box and drops it on her hand, and you hear a crunching sound. She moves the box to where it goes, takes off her glove (she’s turned away so you can’t see what her hand looks like), and you see her hands start to shake. She puts it back on and they keep offloading, but at one point one of her friends stops her and says, “Are you in pain?” “No,” she says back and grabs another box. Her friend takes the box from her, puts it down, and then grabs her arm before she can pick up another one. “Bull. Shit. I can see it on your face. What did you do?” “I dropped a box of tile on my hand.” “How bad is it?” Her friend asks and takes off her glove just as you and Tom walk up to see what’s up. The glove hits the ground and the friend gasps. “I could have kept going if you didn’t insist on seeing my hand.” Bonham says. What does her hand look like? What does the friend say? How do you and Tom react? What do you all do next?

It looks really bad most likely broken. 

Friend: Jesus. 

I push my way in holding baby Chrissy, “Let me see. Christ Bons, I’m taking you to the hospital.” I hand Chrissy to Tom and take Bons to the car while Tom gets the kids in the back seat. 

Bons: I don’t have to go. 

Tom: Bullshit, You’re in pain we can see it and it looks like you broke your hand. 

Cassie: Is auntie Bons gonna be ok?

Me: She will be once we get her to the doctor. 

_____________________

1) Your singer brings you, Kevin, and Randy around to meet her friends and while introducing them, her friend Ash comes up to Kevin. Your singer introduces them and Ash goes, “You look like the love child of Gene Wilder and Will Ferrell.” How do you, Randy, your singer, and Kevin respond?

2) You, Kevin, Randy, and your singer are sitting on the couch. Your singer gets up to get a soda and Kevin goes, “Yo, get me a soda.” Randy asks, “Can you get me a soda, please?” Your singer comes back out with two and hands one to Randy, “Randy, you know you’re adorable and a sweetheart?” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

3) You and Kevin come back to you and your singer’s apartment to find her sitting on the couch. You ask her how her day went and she responds, “I have realized I am a very boring person. I spent the last eight hours watching a documentary series on the nineties.” How do you and Kevin respond?

4) You and your singer are waiting for her sister to get dressed before going black Friday shopping. She comes out in cropped jeans and a tucked in black t-shirt, and vans. Your singer gives one look at her and goes, “You look like Jackie Kennedy.” How do you and your singer’s sister respond?

5) You and your singer are sitting at the kitchen table working on homework. Randy and Kevin come back to your apartment from practice and your singer says to Kevin, “I know what’s wrong with you.” “What?” “Your adolescent egocentrism never left. That’s why you’re so annoying.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

6) You and Kevin are with Tom, your singer, Cassie, Sam, and Chrissy in Disney World. As you’re walking you hear Kevin mumble, “Absolutely not, absolutely not.” Under his breath and you turn around to see Tigger pull Kevin into a hug. How does he respond and what do you, your singer, Tom, Cassie, and Sam say?

7) You, your singer, Kevin, and Tom are on a road trip. One night, your singer is driving and it’s very dark. You’re in the middle of the woods. All of a sudden the car starts to make crazy noises and you ask what’s wrong when your singer pulls over. Your singer goes, “I think we’ve got a flat tire.” She screams to the back, “KEVIN! TOM! GET UP.” They both jump and she goes, “We have a flat tire you guys are gonna have to help me.” How do Tom and Kevin respond and how does changing the tire go?

8) You, Tommy, Nikki, and your singer are sitting doing work in your singer’s room when all of a sudden you hear rap music being blasted from next door. Your singer sighs before going over to her record player and playing a record really loud. It soon results in a music war where both sides keep turning it up. How do you, Tommy, and Nikki respond and does your neighbor come over to tell you to shut up?

9) You’re at dinner with your singer, Tommy, Nikki, and Kevin. Your singer gets up after dinner and goes, “I’ll see you guys in 48 hours. I’m going to lock myself in the library to write my paper.” You know she probably won’t eat or sleep during these 48 hours. How do you, Tommy, Nikki, and Kevin respond? Does she end up barricading himself in the library?

10) You, your singer, Tom, and Kevin are out on a double date. It’s going well and in the middle of dinner, Tom proposes to your singer. How does your singer react and what do you and Kevin say? Does your singer say yes?

11) You come back from class to find your singer hitting the ceiling with a brook. “What are you doing?” “Oh Tommy upstairs is having sex WAY too loudly and he woke me up from a nap so...” She goes back to banging the ceiling. Soon you hear a knock on the door and open it to find Tommy, “Hey man, can you tell your roommate to knock it off? It’s ruining the mood for Pamela and me.” Your singer pops her head in the doorway. How does she respond and what do you and Tommy say?

12) For your biopic, you decide to cover Girls Girls Girls. Crüe comes to watch the music video and when they do they all stop in their tracks. You and your singer are dressed how you were when you were in their music video for Girls the only difference is your playing bass with Erik which makes the bass extra heavy. You knock the song out of the park and afterwards, your singer goes to Crüe and Tom, “So what did you think?” Tommy screams, “You two look so fucking hot. Why did you ever stop dressing like that?” Vince screams, “Yeah! The things I want to do to you two...” Your singer screams, “Vince keep your erection in your pants.” How do you, your band, Tom, and Crüe respond?

@osbournebemydaddy your turn Bons :)

[classic-rock-roller]

1. Bonham was working with NSP as a guest performer for one of their videos, but she won’t tell you guys anything until it comes out. When it does, you find out that it’s a song about selling your soul for a saxophone solo. Bonham plays the ‘Saxy Succubus’, and is dressed in knee high heeled leather boots, fishnets, a barely-ass length red and black satin dress, a red cape resembling Danny’s, shoulder length gloves with 3-inch fingernails attached (like that picture, I can send it again if you want), intensely heavy makeup and Rikki Rockett-esque hair. She shows you, Sean, and Kevin the video, and Danny and Arin watch it again. When it’s over, Sean asks, “What the hell were you wearing? That was weird.” She just smiles, “Oh, I loved it. Me an Danny designed it together. So what do you guys think?” How do you and Sean and Kevin respond, and what do Danny and Arin say?

Sean: Wow! You look hot! 

Me: Don’t you dare “get busy” to that you still live in my house.

Kevin: Well...it’s...something. 

Danny: It’s great isn’t it? 

Arin: I liked it. 

2. After Thanksgiving, you and Bonham are with Arin and Danny and are watching them film the mystery drink challenge power hour. Bonham offers a tray of Jello her family made, but when they open it, Danny gags. “There’s so much alcohol in this I can smell it from here. These are shots and we don’t drink.” Bonham just looks confused. “Those can’t be shots, it’s just jello. It tastes like nothing.” You test it and sure enough, they’re shots. “What the hell? I can’t taste it or smell it, and I ate like, a quarter of this tray on the way over here.” How do you, Arin, and Danny respond?

Me: Ok, I’m driving us home.

Arin: Christ, you have a very high alcohol tolerance. 

Danny: I’m getting drunk all the way over here. 

3. Bonham comes up to you and Kevin super excitedly one day and shoves a USB disk at you. “Listen to what I made!” she says. You give a listen, and it’s this song, played on melodica and clarinet. She’s super proud of it, even though it’s a bit silly. How do you and Kevin respond to what she did out of sheer boredom?

Me: I think it’s great 

Kevin: Wow, you were really bored. 

4. You and Kevin and Arin and Danny went with Bonham and her brother Chuck to test out Chuck’s new dirt bike. Chuck shows you all how to do it, and Arin and Danny do fairly well for themselves. Bonham takes a turn, and as she’s taking a turn too fast she falls off. Before you guys can hardly react, she’s up, dusts herself off, and gets back on. When It comes time, do you take a turn? What do you all say when she gives the bike back to Chuck?

I don’t take a turn. 

Me: I’m good. 

Kevin and Arin: Are you ok? 

Danny: you really wiped out. 

5. Bonham is telling you, Kevin, and your band a story of when a drunken neighbor flipped his pickup into her driveway. The cab was crushed but the passenger and driver were fine, but when the cops came the driver bolted. The passenger told the cops, “His name’s Jesse James, he’s 23–” but before she finished, Bonham’s mom piped up, “That’s a crock of shit! His name’s Kevin Karlsson, he was born in 1965, and his dad’s house is just back there. He’s probably hiding in his closet. I can take you there if you want.” She took the cops down there and sure enough, that’s where he was. How do you all react to the story?

Me: That’s almost as bad as when my dad found a dead body at his apartments. 

Sean: Whoa!

Linus: What the fuck?

Erik: Yeah, what the fuck?

Kevin: Oh, Bons and I have already heard that story. 

6. Bonham’s noodling around on her clarinet one day when you and her and Kevin are hanging out with Arin and Danny. Arin says, “What can you play? Sing us a song on your toot stick.” She says, “Hmm. Oh! Wanna hear something cool?” and proceeds to play the guitar solo from Goodbye to Romance. How do you all respond?

I start to tear up and Danny and Arin go, “What’s wrong?”

Me: Oh nothing it just reminds me of Randy. 

Kevin: How long did it take you to learn that on your clarinet? It sounds amazing. 

7. Kevin and Bonham keep fighting because she keeps calling him a bitch. One day, you see him hide all the cups from her. “She can’t drink until she apologizes.” “This is ridiculous, but whatever.” you say. You’re both sitting in the kitchen when she looks for a cup. Kevin looks at her expectantly, but she just grabs a bowl and pours it full of milk, then takes a drink. “I know what you’re doing and I’m not going to apologize for something I’m not sorry for.” she says. How do you and Kevin respond?

Me: Kevin, you are a bitch. 

Kevin: Why are you both ganging up on me?!

8. You’re in the studio one day with Kevin and Arin and Danny visiting Bonham when she’s doing some solo stuff. She’s being extremely picky; if something doesn’t sound perfect she’s doing it over again. “Why are you being so picky? I know it has to sound good, but damn dude.” Arin says. Bonham just tells him, “If you’re satisfied with your sound on the first try then you’re not good enough. How will you get better if you like everything on the first try?” How do the three of you respond?

Me: Why do you think our records sound so good?

Arin: I’d hate being your producer 

Danny: You two are perfectionists. 

9. Bonham keeps grafiiti-ing Eddie Van Halen’s stuff because he keeps insisting that she doesn’t belong in the music world. She’s ruining his things, but she hasn’t gotten caught yet. “So, Randy, how does it feel to be dating a criminal?” Kevin asks him one day. “Hey, I’m not a criminal.” Bonham says. “I’m an outlaw.” “What’s the difference?” Kevin asks. “The difference between criminals and outlaws is that outlaws don’t get caught.” she says. How do the three of you respond?

Me: You’re going to get caught eventually. 

Randy: Yeah, and I’m not bailing you out. 

Kevin: Just be careful, please. 

10. Sean has locked himself in his room on a rehearsal day, and your band are having none of it. Luckily for you guys, his window is open and he doesn’t have a screen in it, so Bonham and Erik are throwing rocks in it to get him out. Eventually, he comes outside and says, “What’s your problem man? You hit me and Gina while we were making love!” Bonham just says, “You were alone in there.” “And jacking it,” Linus says. “THAT IS ONE NARRATIVE!” Sean shouts. How do you and the rest of your band respond?

Erik: You masturbate too much. 

Linus: you need to keep it in your pants sometimes man. 

Me: And you’re doing it next to my kids. 

11. Bonham is scheduled to hang out with you and Kevin and Arin and Danny one evening, but she’s late. She won’t answer her phone, so after some time you all head over to her place to see what’s up. The door is unlocked and hanging open, and you find her in her pajamas, in a corner, and chugging what looks to be her third bottle of wine. “What are you doing?” Arin asks. She glances over, eyes glazed, and starts laughing. “I’m celebrating! I’m single now. Time to be a hoe!” She giggles a little bit before she tips over and starts crying. How do the three of you react?

Kevin: Did Rudy break up with you? That bitch.

I go over and hug her and make her feel better. We all end up sitting on the couch and I make sure she doesn’t drink anymore. 

____________________

1) You are still on the Power Hour with Dan and Arin. Arin goes to your singer, “So, what do you listen to on a daily basis?” “Oh...this.” And your singer plays Ten Seconds to Love. “Why this?” Dan asks. “Well, the bass is heavy and it helps me get out anger. Plus I mean...the subject is kind of obvious.” “No, not really.” How do you, Arin, and your singer respond?

2) You, your singer, Kevin, Rudy, and Sean went to one of your singer’s friend’s wedding. She was finally marrying her girlfriend. While there, your singer is leaning on Kevin and you’re talking with Rudy when you heard Sean go, “The world is my lesbian wedding.” How do you, Rudy, Kevin, and your singer respond?

3) You, your singer, Rudy, and your singer’s friend, Jon Bon Jovi are in line waiting to get into a concert you’ve wanted to see. Because the four of you are semi-famous, you have a lot of people looking at you. All of a sudden, you hear your singer gasp and turn around, “Can you please not touch my ass, Sir?” The big, heavyset guy behind you just nods. Your singer turns back around and not even five minutes later, you hear her gasp again and go, “That’s it.” She whirls around on him and punches him square in the face. How do you, Rudy, and Jon respond? What does the huge guy do and how do all your fans around you respond?

4) Your singer is really drunk one day while you’re working on an album with Crüe. Tommy leans over to her and goes, “I dare you to kiss Mick. He needs some action.” Your singer goes over to Mick and pulls him in for a heated kiss. She turns around then and goes, “I have found my Mick!” Before promptly walking out to her car (although she shouldn’t be driving). How do you, Vince, Nikki, and Mick respond?

5) Your band is making a new album and your producer keeps pushing your singer to sound harsher, “Sound like Tom Keifer. You need to sound like him.” Your singer is getting pissed so she somehow releases this really harsh version of a song from her voice. Afterward, the producer goes, “That was great!” Your singer is about to say something, but when she opens her mouth, nothing comes out. She gets this terrified expression on her face and starts waving her hands. She pulls you over to her and mimes, “I can’t speak! I can’t speak!” How much the producer pushed her caused her to damage her vocal cords. How do you, Sean, Erik, and Linus respond? What does the doctor say once she goes?

6) You, Kevin, Rudy, and your singer are at an awards show and Bon Jovi is getting an award. You’re all standing backstage because War Angel is supposed to be getting one too. You, Rudy, and Kevin hear your singer go from behind her wine glass as Jon comes offstage, “Mmmmhh, I love my Jersey boys.” How do you, Kevin, and Rudy respond?

7)  Kevin and your singer got into a huge fight about her dating Nikki before she dated him and she screams at him across the backstage of one of their concerts, “At least I’m not going to name our son after him, “Christ!” Kevin stops and goes, “Wait, we’re having a son?” You, Rudy, Carlos, and Frankie don’t even know she was pregnant. How do the four of you respond?

8) You and your singer have just become roommates and are trying to get your band together. One day, he’s not home until four am and didn’t answer your calls. So you’re sitting on the couch waiting for her. When she opens the door you go, “Where were you? You had me worried. Wait...is that a hickey?” You look closer and sure enough, there's a hickey on her neck, “What’s that from?” “Well, do you remember those cute guys we ran in to at the bar? That guy Kevin asked me out on a date and...uh...well...” At that moment, the door bangs open and Kevin comes in after her, “Ok, so where’s the bedroom?” How do you respond to all this and what do Kevin and your singer say?

9) Your singer still doesn’t know what to wear so one day, she comes in in fishnets, and ripped leather pants, knee-high heeled boots, and a tight red dress and her hair teased. Sean is about to say something and she goes, “Sean, I swear. If one fucking word comes out f that huge ass mouth of yours, I’m digging my heel into your foot. And I won’t regret it.” How do you, Linus, Sean, Erik, Rudy, and Kevin respond?

10) Your singer takes you, Kevin, and Rudy to take care of Hei Hei. Your singer lets her out and gets her food and water and then checks on the house. You follow her out of the house and once Hei Hei hears the squeaky door, she comes running full speed at your singer flapping her wings. She stops at your singers’ feet. Your singer giggles and goes, “Hey, Hei Hei,” before petting the top of her head and putting her in her cage. How do you, Rudy, and Kevin respond?

11) You’re on the Power Hour with Danny, Arin, your singer, and Kevin. Your singer is pissed at Kevin because he’s being a little bitch and an asshole. Danny says something to your singer about starting the game and she goes, “Of course I’ll start the game,” she glares at Kevin, “If the little bitch doesn’t mind.” You can clearly tell that Arin and Danny are uncomfortable when Kevin and your singer glare at each other. Danny finally says, “Wow, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.” Kevin vaults over the table and starts making out with you singer. How do you, Danny, and Arin respond?

12) Kevin just got laid off of work and QR hasn’t started their new album so he’s in a slump. He’s complaining about it when your singer goes, “You could be my house bitch and take care of the kids while we go on tour.” How do you, Kevin., and Rudy respond?

@osbournebemydaddy your turn Bons :)

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You’re hanging out with Kevin and Bonham one day when you get a call from a producer. He says he’s the producer for Ninja Sex Party, and that their singer saw an Instagram video of Bonham singing something and he wants her to do a duet with them of Close My Eyes Forever on their next cover album. What do you guys tell the producer, and what do you all say when you’ve hung up the phone?

She all but grabs the phone out of my hand and screams “YES!!!!!!” so it’s decided. Bonham is bouncing off the wall once we have up and Kevin goes sarcastically, “Oh yeah, you’re not excited at all.

2. You get a call one day from Arin Hanson at Game Grumps. He says that they saw your latest music video and interview (which was your collab with QR), and want one member from each band to join them as guests on the Ten Minute Power Hour. Do you accept? Who does each band send? How does the episode go?

We of course accept and we send Bons (Because I think she’d kill me if we didn’t send her) and QR oddly enough sends Carlos. It was pretty funny but that was mostly because Carlos and Bons were constantly bickering and the hosts had to sit between them to stop them. Even so, they kept glaring at each other the entire time. 

3. You’re going through a bunch of Bonham’s great grandma’s stuff one day and come across an ornate but unlabeled bottle. It’s got a brownish liquid in it, and you say, “Is this whiskey or perfume?” Before Bonham can answer, Kevin grabs the bottle from you, chugs it, and says, “It’s perfume.” How do you and Bonham respond?

Bons: Kevin, you’re an idiot. 

Me (smacks his head lightly): Don’t go drinking unlabeled bottles. What do I tell you?

Kevin: Use the brain that God gave me. 

Me: Yes, now Bons, we’ll be right back. I’m gonna take crazy over here to get checked to make sure that stuff won't kill him. 

4. You and Kevin are meeting Bonham and her brother Chuck at a restaurant one day. You walk in and immediately Kevin says, “God it stinks in here.” Chuck responds with, “Yeah you get used to it after about never.” How do you, Kevin, and Bonham respond?

Me (Breathes Deeply): Mmmm It smells like home. Or like the oil fryers haven’t been washed in a while. Either way, it smells like a Yoccos. 

Kevin (gags): Don’t remind me of that place. You took me there once and I never want to go back. 

Bons: What the fuck is Yoccos?

Me: Look, just because it’s not five star does not mean it sucks ok?

5. Kevin is in costume for a QR video one day and you see he’s in Victorian dress. Bonham says, “I thought you’d look better in a suit, but you still look stupid.” He just looks at her and pokes her with his walking cane. “Fuck you, I have a top hat now.” How do you respond?

Me: Well, I think he looks very handsome. 

I then give him a kiss. 

Bons (shaking her head): I still don’t get how you find him attractive. 

Kevin (pokes her again): Hey! I’m like sex on toast! 

6. Your band is in the studio one day and you’re struggling with the vocal line. It’s too low to sing naturally at a good volume, but not low enough that taking it up an octave will help. You’re all stumped until Bonham shouts, “I got it! Be right back!” She leaves and comes back with a balloon. “How’s this?” She says, before sucking helium and then singing the line. “Think that’ll work, or do you want to try?”She offers you the balloon. What do you do, and how does the rest of the band respond?

I, of course, give it a try because sulfur hexafluoride is known to lower your voice and it helps us get the note. 

Sean: Whoa! 

Linus: That’s one way to fix it 

Erik: Your voice sounds weird. 

7. Your band and QR are playing poker one day, and Bonham is continuously getting shitty hands. After the fifth one, she says, “Is this origami class cause I can’t stop folding.” She laughs a bit at her own joke. How do you and the rest of the boys respond?

Kevin and Rudy roll their eyes.  Frankie wasn’t paying attention and Carlos goes, “I don’t get it.” I stifle a giggle. 

8. You and Kevin are walking down the street one day when a Japanese tourist points excitedly at Kevin. He says to his wife in broken English (he wants you to hear him) “Look Suzy, that’s Kenny G!” How does she respond, and what do you and Kevin do?

I’m laughing out loud full on bending over holding my stomach and Kevin screams, “I am not fucking Kenny G!” 

9. You and Kevin come home one day to find Rudy on the couch and Bonham lying on the floor. “Rough day?” you ask? She says, “I drink to forget but I still remember.” Kevin looks at her confusedly. “You’re eating skittles?” How does she respond and what do you and Rudy say?

Bons: Because SOMEONE (looks at me) drank all our alcohol last week and we haven’t gotten any more of it yet. 

Me: Hey, I can’t help that my guy friend was over. 

Kevin: Who is this guy friend? I’ve never heard of this guy friend?

Rudy: Oh, I’ve met him. He’s super nice. 

10. Bonham makes no bones about the fact that she hates Rush, but one day you and Kevin come over to find her listening to Limelight at full volume. Kevin says to her, “But you hate Rush.” She just gives him a look and says, “’Scuse you, this is Ninja Sex Party.” It’s still a cover of a Rush song. How does Kevin respond and what do you say?

Kevin: It’s still a Rush song though...

Bons throws a pillow at him but it hits me in the face instead. 

Me: Hey! Watch where you’re throwing next time, please. 

11. Bonham’s been fangirling a bit over Dan from Game Grumps lately. Kevin can’t stand it, and one day he asks her, “What’s your deal with Danny?” She says, “He’s a beautiful Jewish man.” “So am I, what does that have to do with anything?” How does Bonham respond and what do you say?

Bons: Yeah, but you’re not Danny...you’re...you. 

Me: We literally have this argument every time you ask, Kev. Just stop. 

12. Bonham is singing along very intensely to Africa one day when you and Kevin and Rudy are over. When the song ends, Kevin says, “That bop of yours was more passionate than your whole career.” How does she respond and what do you and Rudy say?

Bons: Fuck you

Me: It is not. (lightly slaps him upside the head) Stop being an ass 

Rudy: You should have learned by now not to be stupid.

___________________

1) You, Randy, and Kevin are in your singer’s kitchen in her dorm while she’s doing something in her room. All of a sudden, you hear her scream and a huge thump. She then comes out of her room with her forehead bleeding. She glares at herself in the mirror before mumbling, “You’re such a fucking klutz. It’s bad enough that this happened last year you have to go two for two?” Before dabbing her forehead with a wet towel and grabbing out the band-aids. How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

2) Your singer is driving and taking you, Kevin, Rudy, and Carlos somewhere. When you stop at a red light, she looks over at Kevin and goes, “Kiss me at red lights because if you don’t, I’ll kiss you.” She leans over and gives him a kiss. How do you, Rudy, and Carlos react to this display of affection?

3) You come home from work to find you and your singer’s apartment oddly quiet. You come into the kitchen to see a broken glass, a bottle of pills, and blood. You don’t know what happened, but you soon find her in her room passed out on the bed and there's a small pool of blood on the sheets. What do you do?

4) You, your singer, Tommy, and your singer’s friend are following her to her dorm. When she opens up the door to her room, her friend stops, which makes you and Tommy run into her. You follow her gaze to find her staring at your singer’s wall, which is covered in photos. Your singer’s friend says, “I think you’ve gone a little overboard. You have like a metal shrine on your wall.” How do you, your singer, and Tommy respond?

5) You and your singer always get ready in the same dressing room before your concerts. One day, you’re getting dressed while she’s sitting at the vanity. Right after you’re finished getting dressed, Erik quickly pops in. Your singer takes a breath, blinks twice, and then crosses herself. Erik gives her a look and says, “You’ve never been religious.” She looks to him and goes, “It calms mu anxiety before a show and it usually brings good luck.” How do you and Erik respond?

6) You come home from work one day to find Kevin leaning his forehead on your singer’s door and quietly knocking, “Come on, Hon, please open up.” You ask what’s going on and he says, “Her aunt passed away today and she’s had her door locked since I got here. I’ve heard her crying for the past two hours.” What do you say to Kevin and what do you do to help your singer? 

7) You, Kevin, and your singer are in the car. Your singer is driving and has her phone hooked up to the Bluetooth. While driving, she keeps skipping songs going, “No, nope, nuh-uh, nope.” Finally, Kevin screams from the back, “Oh my god just pick something!” How do you and your singer respond?

8) You and your singer are sitting at the table drinking coffee when Roxanne comes in with a picture of you and your singer. She places it in front of your singer and goes, “Mom, who’s that with you?” Your singer picks up the picture and goes, “Oh my god, Bons, do you remember this? This was that picture that started the news outlets saying we were dating.” How do you and Roxanne respond?

9)  You, your singer, and her friend Ryan are sitting at the kitchen table while listening to Metal Health. Your singer will periodically ask him who the band is to which he’d respond, “Quiet Riot.” He does this one time as Kevin and Rudy come in and Kevin goes, “Oh you know my band?” Your singer doesn’t look up from her book but goes, “Don’t take it as a compliment. I’ve conditioned him since college to answer that question with Quiet Riot because that’s all I play around him.” How do you, Rudy, and Kevin respond?

10) You and Kevin are sitting in the living room when you hear your singer scream. You run to her room to see what’s the matter and you find her picking Nikki, her and your cat, off a record. “How many times do I have to tell you, Nikki? We don’t lay on records.” How do you and Kevin respond?

11) Rudy and Kevin are over working on a song. Kevin is making noises and doing little screams here and there. Your singer comes out f the kitchen with this smile on her face and goes up to Kevin. He gives her a weird look before she kisses him on the nose and goes, “You’re a screamy boi.” How do you, Rudy, and Kevin respond?

12) You and your singer are at the bar with Nikki and Tommy. Your singer and Tommy are bored so they’re pointing out people in the bar and whether or not they’d date them. Tommy goes to your singer, “I dare you to go make out with Kevin.” She steels herself and you, Tommy, and Nikki watch her walk past Kevin to a completely different guy before kissing him. You’re all staring at her when she comes back and she goes, “What? That’s Kevin.” How do you, Tommy, and Nikki respond?

13) Your band is kind of stuck for one last song for their album. You don’t know what to do when one day, your singer runs in and goes, “Guys! listen to this!” Before she plays you this song Hunger (available upon request) She looks to you and goes, “Can we please, please, please cover it?” You’re about to say something when Linus goes, “Sure but none of us can make that opening Ohhh sound anything like that.” How do you, your singer, Erik, and Sean respond?

14) Kevin is trying to teach Mal how to ride a bike and he can’t seem to do it. Mal goes to you, “Auntie Bons, can you teach me?” After about twenty minutes he’s riding just fine. How does Kevin respond and what do you and your singer say?

@osbournebemydaddy   your turn Bons :)