divit45-blog

[bibiana112]

Tom: I can't see these letters

Me: man playing videogames when you're color blind must suck. Games really could be doing better when it comes to accessibility in general tbh

yeah I mean where I'm studying game design at least we're always pushed to have workarounds and/or features that make sure something like this doesn't happen but it still could be better yeah, I think puzzle games suffer from it the most even though I remember Tom also having a hard time with the kingdom hearts 1 hp bars though they've improved those

[zakubabbles]

Found out last week that my former printmaking professor is retiring and some of the department faculty were throwing a tiny farewell party.

He and his wife, my other professor, helped me out so much during my college career as well as afterwards. I received so much encouragement from them and other professors to go for my MFA. When that was put on hold, they helped me by donating a good chunk in order for me to go to a printmaking residency in 2014.

Immediately after that residency I felt revitalized and capable of anything. So I got a retail job. XD It was so I could save up money to go to other residencies around the world. Anyway, that, and everything else I had planned, didn't work out. I stayed stuck in retail, my morale dropped, depression worsened, self worth plummeted, and shame in being a failure and not living up to my (and in some way, my professors) expectations built up.

I had also intended to gift my professors some of the prints I made from the residency. But laziness (and embarrassment) got the better of me and I kept putting it off. Semester after semester. Year after year.

So after reading he was retiring I realized this was my last chance to probably see him and I had to get those prints ready.

The prints have pretty much been finished since 2014 save for one final touch, sewing into them. Finally got my ass in gear and did that. Ngl, it was difficult considering my hands have been very stiff, swollen, and achy from not having medication available, but I fucking did it.

I got ready and went back to my old university. Very nervous. Driving there didn't help my nerves.

When I arrived, prof was talking with someone but once he caught a glimpse of me standing there he recognized me even with my mask on and greeted me with a hug.

According to him, I look great! XD Better and healthier than I did last time he saw me (i don't btw, I really really don't)!

He saw the portfolio and off we went inside the classroom to see. He seemed happy. He was showing them off to the students who were there and talked about me and my old work to them. He also made us all shake hands and wanted us to exchange info because we're draftspeople. We were all awkward.

Then his wife/ other professor came in and there were more hugs and more talking and praise. Apparently, they've both been showing slides images of my old work to students through out the years which feels nice. All the while I couldn't stop apologizing for being so late. And they kept shushing me about it.

Did see a couple of my old classmates. One, who was an acquaintance and I hadn't thought of since school, said he remembered me/ recognized me because of my eyes.

That was a surprise.

Stepped away for a bit and roamed around the department building. Nostalgia. But it was less painful than the nostalgia from earlier this week. College was a good time. Aside from the bad times anyway XD

Went back to talk a bit again with my professors and then said goodbye.

On my way to the car I decided to walk around the campus for a bit. It's changed so much. The streets are gone. It's a walkable campus now. Pretty.

I still feel crummy about myself and *vaguely gestures everything* but I do feel better that I finally got that big looming overdue project done with and I saw my professors again. Print professor still invited me to go to the studio and use it despite him no longer being there XD

Driving back I kept thinking how I wish I could cry.

I wish I could just break down and grieve everything I couldn't do. I know it sounds so melodramatic, and I suppose it is, but I feel I need it.

Shame I can't.

Anyway.

[emilycollins00]

I LOVE LOVE your headcanons and scenarios so much I can't help but make a request!! How do you think Itaru would react if a colleague (reader) from work found out that he was a gamer, the complete opposite from his work persona and what becomes of their relationship after? THANK YOU SO MUCHH!!

YOU ARE SO VERY WELCOME, DEAR!! 💕 I feel so grateful to receive comments like these, ugh. Hope you like it!

Pairing: Itaru Chigasaki x Reader

Title: Forceful revelation

-

Itaru would never say he liked his job per se. It was more like he had had to get used to it if he wanted to buy his precious games plus a place to play them. Even after all this time working in the same department, he hadn’t tried to get promoted or cared about developing relationships with his colleagues.

Never felt like he needed those things.

He was content doing his expected hours and then going back home at the end of the day. Especially if next day was his day off, like that night.

Waiting for some final copies to be made, he noticed a few colleagues passing by, their jobs already done.

“Good work today, Chigasaki-kun”

Flashing an already practiced working smile, the blond wondered if he would ever remember their names just as much as they liked to remind him of his own “Good work you too”

Just as he predicted, he could hear the faint laugh of his co-workers entering the elevator. Itaru looked at the clock- Only a little more before he could leave. The blond sighed tiredly as he sat again on his desk.

Everyone at the dorm made fun of him, but there really was no heavier burden to carry than the pressure of having to uphold your image and reputation. It wasn’t as easy as he made it look. 

“Chigasaki-san!”

You were a clear example of it.

Itaru didn’t have to lift his head to recognize your steps, but did it anyway. You were practically running and he felt even more tired just by watching you “Y/N-san” he greeted, not moving from his seat as he watched you regain your breath.

It had been a bit more than five months since you had transferred to his department at the company and he still didn’t know how to deal with your personality and your seemingly attachment to his working persona.

“Thank goodness I made it!” you smiled brightly as you regained your lost breath.

At first glance, you and Itaru weren’t that different. You both were usually congratulated for doing a good job at work and had overall good relationships with everyone.

However, Itaru knew better.

You had achieved much more than he had in all his years in such a short time. He even heard rumors that you would probably get promoted to manager by the end of the semester.

Which wasn’t surprising to him though, seeing you didn’t stop moving for a second from one project to another. What had your parent given you as a kid?

“...and so I was wondering if you knew the password for the projector they have in room 201? You know, the one with red chairs and a big plant on the corner”

Itaru hummed, looking around his desk to give you a copy of the passwords “Here you go, you can keep them”

“As expected of Chigasaki-san!” you accepted them happily.

The spring member’s smile faltered. 

Honestly, it was annoying to be put by such high standards.

He had tried to not get close to you, hoping the polite distance he always kept with others worked, but so far, you were still practically glued to him whether it was to ask him for advice or commenting how much you respected him.

…If you knew how he really was, Itaru was sure you wouldn’t be talking about him so happily. Focusing again, he noticed you waiting for something “Sorry, what did you say, Y/N-san?”

“Ah! I heard you are taking tomorrow off?”

“Yes, some personal matters happened at home” he turned around to make you understand he had things to do “I already signed and prepared everything, so there shouldn’t be a problem to send without me the first draft to our fellow company, I already talked with their administration”

“You really are amazing” he heards you whisper impressed.

He didn’t comment on your compliment “Anyway if anything happens tomorrow, I’ll be counting on you, Y/N-san”

Exactly as he thought, you gasped, beaming happily at the thought of being relied on “Of course! Good luck with your personal matter!”

                                             -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“I can’t believe you took a day off just to play games”

Izumi rested her hands on her hips when she discovered the spring member laying on the sofa, tracksuit on and shirt already filled with crumbs from the bag of chips next to him. He already had bags under his eyes.

“I did my overtime and this is how I chose my reward, director”

Rolling her eyes, she took her handbag, considering futile to argue with him “I’m going shopping and then to a meeting, make sure you don’t stay all day in that position, all right?”

Not breaking contact from his game, Itaru hummed a goodbye. Damn, thank god he had taken a day off. This event was being too competitive. He wouldn’t have been able to make the quests unless he spent last night and next 24 hours defending his rank.

At some point the doorbell started ringing “Someone is at the door” he called out loud to no one in particular.

The bell kept ringing. Where were Matsukawa or Citron supposed to be at times like this?

“Itaru, my ears! Open the door, dammit, open the door!” Kamekichi flew over him.

Groaning, he walked towards the entrance, eyes still fixed on the screen. Hadn’t he made it clear he wasn’t planning to move until tomorrow night? “Hey director, you should remember taking your keys when- Shit! How come these fuckers have so much luck? I’m gonna have to fucking sweep the floor with-”

“Chigasaki…san…?”

And for the first time since yesterday, slowly, Itaru broke contact with his controls.

No.

That couldn’t be you.

If anything, the situation happening was just the most lucid dream Itaru had ever had, because there was no way in hell that was real life.

“Itaru, who’s this jerk, want me to beat them up?” Kamekichi had landed on his shoulder, wings moving in an attempt to scare you, but neither of you reacted to it.

Gripping your bag, your face was white, looking like a scared puppy that had just encountered a scary and bigger dog “I, uh… really apologize for coming unannounced on your day off. Chief tried to contact you but, um, we couldn’t reach you and-“

“…Why are you here”

You shivered at the tone of his voice. You had never heard Itaru talk like that to anyone. Ever. You showed him an envelope “T-there’s this document chief needed that you forgot to sign for this afternoon meeting and…”

In silence, he grabbed them, scanning them with a stoic face. You could cut the mood with a knife “Pen” he opened his hand.

“A-ah, right!”

Barely exchanging looks, you took the signed papers and thanked him.

“Chigasa-“

“I hope that’s all, wouldn’t want you to come again and tire yourself out more”

You were practically shaking. Wishing him a good day, you turned and practically ran out of the place.

With the door closed, Itaru leaned his back on it, not even looking at the control resting on his hand.

Out of all the people he didn’t wish to show this side of him, somehow, unconsciously, you had become one of the firsts.

“…Well, shit”

                                            -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When you finally took notice, you had already reached the station, breathing heavily. The situation that had happened moments ago struck you as surreal.

Itaru Chigasaki, your colleague at work, was what you would describe as the epitome of what you aspired to be. His charm, professionalism… could someone be any more perfect?

“I’m gonna have to fucking sweep the floor with…”

You shook your head, still not over it. You had never expected someone you admired so much to be so… different outside work.

Oh god, work.

You mentally groaned, already cringing at what scenario could possibly happen when he came back next week. As you entered the train, your mind started running wild. Would he accuse you? Joke about it? Although he hadn’t seemed comfortable… Wait, did people know about this? Would he threaten you to not say anything? The last thing you wanted was to be on bad terms with him!

As you sat on the platform, you noticed the crumbled documents in your hand, Itaru’s sign finally on them.

So much for a quick visit.

                                               .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Neither of you talked about it when he came back next week.

Or the next one.

Time passed, and you were getting more and more anxious. Your blond colleague had never been someone who was cold to anyone, but it was more than clear that he had made a point not to interact with you under any circumstances, unless it was necessary.

Which was exactly why you understood his raised eyebrows looking at the coffee you had brought to his desk. Thankfully, he took the cup, bringing it to his lips “I believe I left all the files in your place, Y/N-san, do you need anything else?”

"Ah, well..." you had no idea what to say or how to react to him anymore. Itaru could feel it too, however, he didn’t try to alleviate the awkwardness.

It was painfully obvious how much it had shocked you seeing him at the dorm, so he didn’t understand why you kept trying to talk to him “You don’t have to force yourself, Y/N-san, people will notice things like that” he kept talking, his mouth covered by the cup

You opened your mouth to try and deny it but closed it, unable to. The awkward silence that had followed the last few days appearing again.

Pressing your lips together, you whispered an excuse and turned back to your own desk, dejected.

As he finished the coffee, Itaru couldn’t help but follow your figure. He had arrived expecting rumors about him, but no one seemed to have changed their demeanor.

So then, why did he feel like he was getting punched when you averted your eyes from his on meetings or he felt like being a dick to you when after it you tried to appease him?

Itaru leaned on his chair, sighing. Was it guilt?

You were someone who aspired to do your best with all you got, reminding him so much of people like Sakuya or director.

Maybe that’s why he felt like he had disappointed you, which made Itaru angrier and more confused. Why should he feel bad about it? It had been your fault. Leaving those thoughts aside he tried to concentrate again. It was actually better for him, now that he didn’t have to deal with you.

At least that’s what he repeated to himself.

                                         -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was almost dinner time when the doorbell at Mankai rang.

“I’ll go!” Izumi left the kitchen, opening the door and finding you there, not that the young woman knew you “Yes?”

“Hi, uh… Is Chigasaki-san inside? I’m a… colleague from work”

The young woman laughed nervously, looking inside and then back at you again “Is… Itaru-san expecting you?”

You shook your head “I can wait here if he prefers to change. I’m not in a hurry” 

“Oh! Um… all right, I’ll call him. Please wait a second”

The door closed again, and you took a deep breath, trying to calm down. A minute later, the blond came out. You took another look at his appearance. It really was miles apart from his working persona.

“I figured it wouldn’t matter anymore” he shrugged, answering as if he had just read your thoughts. His personality was on another level too “Why are you here?”

You swallowed down “I... I am lazy too, Chigasaki-san!”

Frowning, Itaru opened his mouth confused “What are you… “

“I don’t like to clean at home and get overwhelmed easily! also, I hate waking up early and I don’t like waiting for the food to get cold and end up burning myself…!”

What were you doing shouting all those things about you?

“…I also tend to leave everything until the last minute because I love spending time on the phone and have to make up for it after and, uh, what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable in your own house! But..!” you clenched your fists “You are still the Chigasaki-san that I admire and respect, it doesn’t matter if you behave differently outside work. You are you!”

Itaru stared at you, not knowing how to react to your outburst.

Seeing your expectant face waiting for his reaction, his mind suddenly compared it to how the spring troupe did that cringy act to keep him from leaving the dorm.

Noticing the similarities, he found himself smiling and then laughing, under you confused stare.

‘You are you!’

A tiny smile reached his face. It was as if the burden and guilt he had been carrying these weeks about  being fake had lifted from his shoulders “…You really are something else” 

You raised your hands, moving them to reject those words “I’m sorry! I just meant it was…!” Itaru kept staring at you with a smile you had never seen before and you blushed, not knowing how to behave right now. 

“Ey, Y/N-san…”

“Y-yes?”

He looked at the dorm and then to you, smirking now “…Would you like to play some games?”

                                             -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

“Fuck, Itaru-san I told you to wait! You are gonna kill me too if you throw that grenade now!”

“I don’t need weak people in my party” the blond pressed the bomb, eliminating every single person surrounding him “GG, Banri”

“SHIT! Why would you-!” they kept arguing until a knock was heard on the door

“May I come in?”

“Oh, Y/N-chan-san! It’s been a while” the high school boy turned around

You smiled at him “I know! There are a lot of things to take care of as a new manager… I brought some snacks as an apology though” you lifted a bag “I’m not late, am I?”

Itaru scoffed, still looking at the screen “Hey there, Y/N, more like I thought you had gotten scared”

You frowned, making space for yourself in the couch next to them “I never back down from a challenge Itaru, and you know it! You are just too enthusiastic when it comes to these things, so I have to prepare myself to kick your ass”

“Mmm… I wonder where did that ‘I admire you the most, Chigasaki-san’ attitude go. I kind of miss it”

“I can respect you and still want to see you eating dirt, you know”

The spring member snickered, stopping the game and giving you the controls “Yeah, yeah, let's show you how to really level up to the fullest to at least entertain me”

“You bet I will!”

Itaru wouldn’t say he tried hard to achieve big things or create ties with others, that just wasn’t his thing. 

However, glancing at you talking to Banri about the best way to make him lose, he thought allowing you entering in his world hadn’t been so bad after all.

And he smiled. Guess relationships really worked like that.

_________________________________________________________

Hopefully you guys ended up liking it! Have a wonderful day! 💕

[frogsandfries]

Also, in slightly belated honor of 420

Earlier, my younger sister mentioned that our brother whines and moans about his job being dead-end and he feels trapped, and he doesn't think there's any point to trying or doing anything more than playing videogames instead of sleeping for work.

Of course, our sister is very blunt; sometimes she seems to lack empathy. She's also a force of nature: If she wants something bad enough, get the fuck out of her way because she will take no prisoners. So her response, instead of being understanding, was to get kind of angry.

On the one hand, we were all treated badly as children. But of course, we all received it in different ways, and I think my brother was kind of neglected. The womb-donor often admitted to me she had no idea how to raise a boy--which never once made sense to me. Our brother had his own room because he was the only boy. I was driven away from him by the womb-donor. I don't think he received any or much parental care before starting school, when he could have been nurtured one-on-one. Of course he finds some comfort in the only kind of parent-child kind of archetype he's ever known. He literally wouldn't have his familiar structure and comfort without the sick relationship he has with our shared womb.

I've been there: For me, senior year of high school--it seemed like everyone in my graduating class had a clear idea of what they were doing after graduation and how to get there. Get amazing grades, take a ton of AP classes, volunteer at five places and do seven sports and ten extracurriculars and by this day, they'd have this many college applications filed and this many colleges would respond and they'd do all these scholarship essays.

And the summer between junior and senior year, I just lost my whole self and sense of identity.

Then, toward the end of my second-to-last semester of high school, on the precipice of the rest of my life, I found my way back on some kind of course.

Only for my family to be firmly asked to find somewhere else to live. And my plans were thrown off. I tried to save money, and my plans were thrown off. I dove headlong after my college experience the next autumn though. Things went pretty much amazing while I ran myself to the end of my resource rope though, and since then, there's basically been no point to planning anything. I've built up a huge tolerance to adversity though.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I've been a saint of patience, persistance and perseverance. I've felt down and depressed and discouraged. I've felt like just giving up. I've been convinced that things are never going to work out, let alone for the better.

But I had to go to some of the darkest places known to living humankind before I had a sense of scope of what bad could really be.

It sucks that my brother has three sisters that he could turn to for mentorship and guidance but he'd rather wallow. As the eldest sibling, I had to figure out my own way to rise above the deathtrap our womb-donor buried us in. Both of our sisters did what suited them with a blend of my experiences and their own needs and desires. My brother just turned twenty and even with all the struggle I've put up to get my license, he's being handed an opportunity on literally a silver platter and he's turning up his nose at it!

I heard a while back of a country that has a department dedicated to supplying addicts with fresh needles, collecting used needles, and distributing information about resources in place for addicts when they're ready to face the pain that pushed them to doing drugs, resources for putting their lives back on track.

Or, as the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

You could choose to shame someone for their decision to smoke or snort or shoot or drink. You can drive them to dark and dangerous places where at least they feel understood by others like them, bearing their own monkeys.

Or, you can ask what drove them to this, you can ask if they are happy, if they are safe. You could just bring them a blanket and a fucking sandwich instead of adding on to the shame they probably already feel. When that person is ready, if you were kind, empathetic, they will ask for help. If you were cruel, they probably want nothing to do with you or your help.

Of course, not everyone in pain turns to chemicals.

My brother had a plan, he had an escape hatch, he had a career, and he made a poor decision that resulted in all of that being swept away. I've been there. Plan B often usually wasn't even on your radar of interesting options, and it was definitely clumsily, hastily cobbled together. At first, it takes a long time to regroup and find the bright side. As you get more unwanted practice at it, you do get better at it. I wonder if these reroutes aren't good for something in the end.

Perhaps just as I've learned something from every failed relationship, there's something to be learned that I couldn't have learned from perfectly getting my way. Now if only I could communicate that to my brother.

Eventually, one day, maybe he'll wake up and want to make a change in his life. He'll want to make the best of Plan D or Plan K.