#fucking tell meeeee just tell me i'm an adult

[threepandas]

Bad End: Kept Safe

[Art by Miu_A]

You ever give someone advice, knowing full well they aren't going to take it? Even AFTER they have begged and pleaded and WHINED at you, for hours, for it? Even after they poured their heart and soul out to you? And you, a good friend, carefully and tactfully, tried your best to help? LIKE THEY ASKED?

Ever find yourself the designated "run too dramatically weep in the arms off" friend?

I have.

It is hell. I am in hell.

This is my punishment for all those hours I spent reading and playing Otome Isekai junk instead of, I don't know, solving world hunger or something. Because it HAS to be. I am clearly being punished. Repeatedly. By some sort of petty, petty, anime God.

Fuck you too, buddy.

A fresh round of highly dramatic Protagonist sobbing peirces the air. Dear lord, she has a set of lungs on her, does she? It's like an air siren. But more... upset toddler. It was bizarre. I'd LIKED her as a character. I HAD. Bright and cheerful, determined with a good heart. She'd been a bit naive, yes, but she'd grown. Love had changed her for the better.

But THIS?

This was some middle school "he threw away my secret note, that I didn't sign, so that means he HATES MEEEEE~" bullshit. It went on and on and ON! God, it'd been MONTHS! Years!

I made friends with the Protagonist when we were in The Royal Academy. The story's setting. It SHOULD have finished by graduation. SHOULD. HAVE. But DID it? No! This nonsense had spilled into the COURT! The general population! Actual political factions were starting to get involved!

All because my "friend" COULDN'T PICK A MAN.

And she didn't listen. I tried. God, how I TRIED! No matter HOW I phrased "just fucking TALK to them" it didn't get through her dense fucking skull. I tried taking a break. To calm down. She HUNTED ME DOWN with her little Harem of political trainwrecks!

That poor port city STILL has yet to recover from the chaos they unleashed.

I don't... God, I don't even LIKE her anymore. I've just been reduced to her HANDLER. Forced into girlish tea parties devoid of any taste, because no one ELSE will come. Followed by winces and pitying looks by every lady in all of polite society. The sacrifice to keep HER distracted, lest her gaurd dogs decide its a good idea to do something unhinged again.

It's exhausting.

I'm not even listening.

She seems to have worked through her usual cycle of "cry, mope, what about meeeee~, then I going to go be Plucky at them! Tee Hee~♡!". Good, good. You go have fun, you little train wreck. I'm going to go find an actual ADULT to hide behind.

I have my maids change me out of an outfit that, frankly? I am too old for. I am not sixteen. We are not GIRLS, for the heaven's sake. We are WOMEN. It was a cute outfit. I enjoyed wearing it, back when I was physically young enough that it was appropriate. But even THEN... that's the down side of the whole "isekai" thing.

You keep your mental age.

Everyone around you? INFANTS. Fresh faced babies. You are being flirted with by fourteen year olds and? It is DISGUSTING. They can never be anything more then "cute kids" to you. The characters you once thirsted over? Reduced to actual, living, breathing, pre-schoolers.

There's no going back after that. I'll NEVER unsee it. Can only continue to age, even as they simply... grow up. And then? When they started behaving like FOUR YEAR OLDS? Forget it! I'm beginning to share my parents fears I may die single.

At least I have a refuge. A place of SANITY and SENSE.

I grab the imported wine I had purchased. I'd noticed him drink it before on special occasions. Found a tea seller that was willing to also bring some back. Mother LOVED the tea and my friend was going to love the wine, I could just tell.

Cautiously poking my head out of the guest apartments i was staying in, I checked the hall. Left. Right. Left. Thank god. No Protagonist in sight, she hasn't come back yet. Better hurry though.

I walk fast and keep close to the wall. Ducking into alcoves at every new female voice. Passing servants, Nobles, and the occasional Knight either murmur what they know of Protagonist's last known location or politely pretend not to see me. For anyone else, this would be scandalous behavior. For ME? Well... everyone knew EXACTLY why I was being driven to such extremes.

I thankfully reached the governance wing unmolested. It was far quite and none of the pack of fools ever really set foot here. Not ever the ones who were SUPPOSED to be busy learning their future roles as leaders of this country. God, I could only hope the third prince somehow quietly pulls a coup.

Not that I'd SAY that.

The gaurds don't even bother to announce me, I'm here so often. Merely opening the door. I maintain my decorum none the less. JUST long enough for the doors to finally close and I am able to drop my social mask like whipping of my bra after a long day. Oh thank fuuuuuuck. FREEDOM!

A familiar chuckle, like incense smoke, wafts from the second floor of the office.

"Oh my~, so tired?" My friend muses, his voice that ever lilting purr. I hear him closing whatever heavy tome he's currently studying. "And so early in the DAY! Was it the little nuisance again? Surely she must have SOMETHING better to do?"

Gently putting the wine I'm gifting him on his desk, I then throw up my arms. You would THINK! Wouldn't you?! It's an old complaint. And frankly? I'm glad he still let's me vent about it. It HAS to get old. Yet? He let's me complain anyway.

I met the, roughly translated, "Keeper Of The Shield" at one of the Crown Prince's many ridiculous parties. I was dragged along as Protagonist's plus one. Because GOD FORBID she bring one of her suitors! That might lean towards CHOICE! Can't have THAT!

It was an overly dramatic, gaudy, slow motion trainwreck from beginning to end. I? Got very, VERY drunk. I knew I shouldn't. It was wildly inappropriate. But I was HORRIFIED. Hid near the balconies and drank to forget. Contemplating jumping.

Was likely the only one there my age NOT in ten layers of bows and fabric flowers. It was probably why Crevan decide to talk to me. That and the look of abject suffering. He informed that, sadly, the balconies were locked. But if I planned to maim my self to escape, he could probably boost me up enough to reach the upper windows.

I choked on my drink and guffawd like an idiot. It was SUPER flattering. Very pretty. And honestly? The best conversation I'd had in YEARS. He was droll. Witty. Snarky. In just as much hell as I was. We gleefully narrated the drama playing out before us in as cutting a manner as possible. Grown adults, government officals! Behaving like fucking CHILDREN.

Only after, did I learn I had been chatting with the equivalent of the minister of the Defense. THE commander of our nation's defensive forces. All of them. Knights, army, spies. All of it. And the poor man had been dragged from his desk to play party prop by a glorified teenager. I was horrified. Appalled. Fucking OUTRAGED to learn that it was just... normal!

This country was a nightmare! Otome games are HELL. Lacey, sparkly HELL!!!

But at least I had Crevan to keep me sane. He was always willing to listen. Advise when he could. We had HOPED that Protagonist would start maturing... I'd even mentioned it, but it just seemed like she back slid again and again! Trapping me. Isolating me! Ruining my chances to move ON and have a LIFE!

I don't know what went wrong! Is it me? Am I too hand holdy? It's starting to destabilize the country! Not that the royal family even seems to notice! God no, if it weren't for Crevan, the whole PLACE would have collapsed!

I flop down on my couch. Technically it's not "mine", but honestly? He's fooling no one. The man barely had ANY guest furniture before we became friends. It's totally my couch. (He even got a tea table for us, the softy.)

"Oh? A gift? How thoughtful, dear~" It's only months of friendship that keep from jumping these days. I should get that man a BELL. "Would you like some?"

I can't help but huff a laugh. He always looks to PLEASED when he gets the jump on someone. Startles them. A mischievous asshole, that one. Touchy, too. Forever cupping my cheek or earnestly taking my hand. Patting my head. Guiding me by the elbow or shoulder. He has so few friends... I am certain he is touch starved.

A thought occurs to him, as he pours two cups. A sly grin stretching across his face as he turns to offer me a cup. The wine's scent mixes, burning and delicate, with the ever present smells of incense and his favorite herbal cigarettes. Blurring the senses and relaxing. It's a pretty strong drink.

"You KNOW... it just occurs to me! Darling, if you want to avoid that pest? Why not spend the day HERE? I'd love to have you. " his voice becomes low and serious for a moment, almost catching me off gaurd, bouncing back before I can really think about it. "You could trash my shelves again! Camp out on my couches! It'll be like a little party~ Just you and me! Not a care in the world. You won't have to worry a single thing~"

He grins, glasses catching the light, toothy like the old scheming fox he is.

"I'll keep you nice and safe~"

[mirage-coordinator]

communication breakdown is always a frustrating thing to deal with innit

[thebreadcrew]

Bread Crew Text Posts Part 13

Lilith: I didn't choose the cool life, it didn't choose me either. I'm not cool./ the reason i sin is because there's a stairway to heaven and highway to hell and i sure as shit ain't climbin no stairs/ Ummmm I'm sensitive/ my tru aestetic is "wears mostly black and imagines they're hard and tough but stutters when socializing and is seconds away from crying at any given moment"/ be the smoking hot demoness you wanna see in the world/ (search) how to be deadly how to be pretty/ when i was 7 i had a crush on girl & didn't know how to deal with it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"/ if i was a ghost i would do useful things like let the cat out or take flammable things off the stove and sing to small children when they can't sleep and terrify the fuck out of assholes hell yeah bitches. what was that? did I hear you make a derogatory remark about women? bam, your lamp is now on the floor what cha going to do punk? are you abusing that child? wambo, your walls are now bleeding motherfucker

Criswyn: Snake.....on......meeeeeee.....(snake on me) snake.....meeeee.....OOOOOOOOOOOON (SNAKE ON ME)/ i eat a lot of bread because it's soft and i deserve it. also i am gorgeous/ What's the worst decision you made while you were drunk? Don't mean to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions./ me @ very talkative cats: i love you so much. please continue your story. tell me about your day. i love you/ coherent people are the worst...like stop making sense for one fucking second. say some nonsense every once in a while. literally so boring if i can understand every word you say like shut up or say some dumb shit i swear to god/ teachers r so full of shit "ohh u need to learn how to read its a life skill" the only life skill you need is lesbianism/ I have pure intentions, bitch! you can't kill me/ i am but a simple lesbian who enjoys the color pink and heart shaped things/ my tiny human body isn't big enough to hold all the love that's inside me and that's why i'm always crying / it's uwu time bitch

Freyja: My body is a temple. Well, more like a Catholic church. Full of wine and bread./ Are you there god It's me your bastard child/ to be fair you have to have a very high IQ to understand humans/ there's no such thing as a painless full suit of armor/ I believe in reincarnation because I KNOW I was a the Trojan guard who saw the Trojan horse and was like "wow, stunning, yes! Open the gates! Let it in, omg a big horse!"/ you think your crush is laying in bed thinking about you but in reality they're reading about swords on Wikipedia/ I Was Trying To Be Loving And Supportive But I Probably Overstepped My Boundaries And Came Off As Creepy: a feature length film with two sequels and a TV series adaptation

Aislyn: My body is not a temple it's a burnt down Taco Bell/ Do you have a significant other? I'm significant by myself./ i may not be beautiful but at least i know a lot useless information/ who hasn't fantasized about illuminating manuscripts by candlelight in a medieval scriptorium tbh/ im just an asshole with feelings/ I Was Trying To Relate To Your Difficult Situation But It Probably Sounded Like I Was Making It All About Me: a novel sage with several side book adaptations and a movie/ death is a reoccuring theme in my 3rd grade journal

Hawthorne: yes i am gay yes i am a bastard no i cannot be stopped/ *sticks my leg in the air* give me attention/ my gender is pretty boy/ I Was Trying To Be Funny But It Came Out As Really Mean: A 5-part documentary starring me

Val: haha! have fun at highschool today NERDS. i'm gonna be doing cool ADULT stuff like sleeping WHENEVER i want and CRYING/ you've given me a lot to think about which is unfortunate considering i already have a bunch of better things i wanted to think about, who knows if i'll even get around to your stuff./ It's time I start letting you figure things out on your own instead of me not knowing the answers, but making them up anyway.

Jezebel: stuffing go WHERE?!!?!?

The Crew: It's weird that pirates would go from shore to shore looking for buried treasure when the real treasure was in the friendships they were making