#fun fact: any writing that i don't plan on posting is always written on wattpad

[freezethebeez]

late night catalyst!ranboo ramblings

transcribed from his mind onto paper. takes place somewhere around ch 14/15 which doesn't make much sense now but will in a month or so <3

fully thingy below the break :]

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I know you don't like me and I know you're afraid of me and my hands that hurt and my teeth that kill but can you just hold me?

Just for a bit. Just for tonight– just for right now. Maybe–

Wrap your arms around me and maybe–

Your hands tracing patterns on my back sounds lovely right now but playing with my hair works, too, I think– if that's what you want.

But–

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Don't just– don't let me go to bed alone tonight. I can't– I won't make it another night without anyone beside me, I don't think–

You can just lay beside me.

That'll work, I think.

I can listen to your heartbeat from afar; I don't need my ear pressed against your ribcage; my head doesn't need to lay on your chest.

Maybe I could hold you instead.

Maybe that would be better. Maybe. Less selfish.

And me holding you is the same as you holding me kind of so maybe it'll fill the same holes in my heart.

Do you think it could beat with yours, too, one day?

Do you think I could hold your hand and keep it warm in the winter? Do you think we'll make it to winter at all? Do you think I'll ever be able to look at you and not your neck? Do you think I'll drain you of your blood before then? Do you think–

Do I think I even love you at all?

No. No, I do. I– I think I do.

I think there's a part of me that loves you, at least. I think that very same part wants you dead, but it– it loves you a little.

I want to love you, too.

A little.

Maybe if– maybe you could just...

Could you sleep in my bed tonight?

Could I sleep in yours? Would that make it easier?

Maybe it would be– if I slept here tonight. Just here– just with my forehead pressed against your back.

Maybe I can fall in love with you here. Maybe you could turn around and kiss me goodnight.

Can you kiss me goodnight?

Would you– would you want to?

I would, I think.

Only if you asked me to.

Because I think– I think if you asked me to kiss you, I would. And I think if you– I think I would want to. I think I would. I think– I think it'd be nice and you'd be... nice. And I think you'd– I'd love you then, maybe.

Is that what love feels like?

I don't know.

I don't– friends don't– are we friends? I don't think we... are. I'm not– I don't want to– if you don't–

You can't read my thoughts, I don't think.

At least I hope you can't.

Uh.

I'm sorry.

Goodnight.