#fuxk anyone and anything that made them feel that cause that’s so clearly where they belong

[alloutshirt]

dont know about you but seeing these three smash it and glow on stage is making me emotional

[hollandsmushroom]

DON'T YOU SEE

JJ x Plus size reader

No fuxking clue how many words this is but here you go, my first fic in ages! I hope y'all enjoy.

Fluffy soft JJ is the whole plot really.

You laid on the HMS Pogue, an oversized shirt covering your body as everyone else swam around the boat. Your hands were pressed into the soft flesh of your abdomen, you felt the bit where your stomach stuck out where your bikini pressed too much into your chub. Your friends looked to be having an amazing time, and you wishes so much to join them, but there was a deepest fear of rejection and mockery for your body. The rest of the pogues had already seen you in a swim suit before but today felt different, when you woke up and looked in the mirror, it felt wrong, you felt bigger, misshapen, unattractive, simply, you felt wrong. JJ watched you from the water, his eyes scanning your still figure, admiring how your shirt feel across your breasts, tucking into your back roll, slipping down off your belly and ending at your thick thighs. God, your thighs, part of him wanted to bite the soft flesh of your inner thighs as you wrapped your legs around this head. He shook his head, trying to get the thought out of his head because he could feel himself growing hard.

"Y/n, you joining us?" JJ called, trying to distract from his smutty thoughts.

"Nah, not today, sorry JJ," you replied, rolling your head to the side to look at him as you spoke.

"Aw, come on, the waters great and it's so hot out you have to swim," Kie shouted as she splashed at John B and Pope who wrote annoying her.

"Y/n, if you dont come in I'm pulling you in," JJ spoke, swimming closer to the boat, "I'm serious"

You looked down at him, seeing the threat behind his eyes, you stood up, it was slightly painfull seeing as your sweaty thighs had stuck to the fiberglass of the boat. You sucked in a deep breath, tugging the shirt over your head, leaving you in just your high waisted bikini. JJs eyes widened, he let out a low whistle, mumbling 'damn'. Had it been most other days you wouldnt have caught the adoration in his voice but you would have taken his explitive as a compliment, but you weren't like you were most other days. Taking his words as mockery, tears pricked your eyes, you dove over him, entering the water just behind him and diving deeper and swimming underneath his legs and under the boat, gasping for breath when you came up on the other side. You laid in your back, ears under water as you caught your breath, what you couldn't hear was the group freaking out, especially JJ.

"Y/n should have come up by now" he spoke, spinning himself around in the water.

"Yeah, they should have," John B agreed looking down into the murky depths past his feet but seeing nothing.

"Y/N!" JJ called before diving down, looking to see if you had hit a rock or something but unable to find any sign of you.

You lifted your head out of the water, hearing your friends call out for you, and it clicked, something you hadn't realized in your fog of self loathing that you had dove into the water and then disappeared. They must be freaking out, you thought as you gripped the edge of the boat, kicking you legs as you hoisted yourself in, grabbing your shirt immediately to cover your body.

"Hey guys," you hollered, catching there attention as they all searched for you.

"Y/N, what the actual fuck, we thought you drowned" Pope yelled

"You scared the shit out of me," John B chimed in

"If you ever do some shit like that again you're dead to me, I was so worried" Kie added finally

JJ, as opposed to everyone else didnt say anything, just climbed into the boat and enveloped you in a hug. You flinched at the contact, not wanting anyone to feel how big you were.

"I thought you died," he whispered in your ear, and something in his voice broke when he spoke.

"Well I'm alive," you spoke, coldly, remembering what he said. He pulled back from the embrace, trying to look you in the eye, sensing that something was off.

"Yo, you good" he asked gently, still trying to catch your eye.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just remembered that my mom needed me home for something" it was a total lie, the only thing that your mom needed you to do was to stay the fuck out of her way.

"Oh, okay, guys we got to get Y/n home, they have something to do," JJ shouted to the rest of the group, even though he didnt really believe it.

The group was quick to return to shore, all piling into the twinkie to get you home. John B., Pope, and Kie all spent the way to your house chatting, but you stayed quiet, your hands fiddling in your lap, JJ was quiet too, watching you with concern and curiosity in his eyes, what was up with you? You never would have done the disappearing act earlier on any other day, you knew it would cause too much concern, he was also worried about your silence, you were often such a talkative and fun person.

"Sorry for cutting the fun short guys," you broke your silence as you stepped out of the van.

"Nah, it's fine, you didnt, cause ya know, the fun never ends," John B. smiled at you

"Plus, there is always time tonight, we could meet back up at the Chateau," Pope chimed in.

"Yeah, maybe," you smiled softly, thinking about how you didnt want to see anyone else today, just lay in bed. As you climbed the steps to your house someone caught your wrist making you turn around, your eyes meeting JJs. As soon as you saw him, you felt your heart melt a little, how gently his hand was on yours, but then you remembered what he said earlier. You pulled your wrist from his grasp, looking him dead in the eye.

"Yes, JJ?" You asked, a slight bitterness in your tone, causing him to step back.

"I-I just wanted to say goodbye," he said, scratching the back of his neck anxiously.

"Oh, bye" you said, opening the door and closing it quickly behind you, your back hitting the wood.

JJ stood there for a second, staring at the paint peeling off the door, feeling wounded at your coldness.

"Hey JJ, you comin?" Kie yelled at him from the Twinkie, snapping him out of it.

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, jogging back down the steps.

You stayed in your room for hours, your phone buzzing on the night stand as you hid under the covers. The sun had set on the water, the sky still shining a faded orange and purple. You hadn't moved since you got home, just laid in bed and let your mind stop, the existence of your body disappearing beneath the covers.

Your cheeks were damp with tears, wiping them away as they feel was too much work. There was a light knock on your window, making you shoot up straight in bed, looking at the window pain, behind sat a very concerned looking JJ.

You got out of bed, lifting up the window and stepping aside so JJ could climb in, this was something he had done before, crash at your house if he was tired of John B. but didnt want to go home.

"Hey Y/n," he spoke softly, a rarity for JJ

"JJ, what are you doing here?" you hissed, still not wanting to be around anyone

"Well, you weren't answering your phone and you were acting really weird earlier so I, I got worried"

"Yeah, like you care" you snapped, still over reacting at his words earlier

"What the fuck is your deal," he bit back "I'm trying to be nice, to be a good friend, and maybe make you realize that I fucking like you but you keep shooting me down,"

"What?" you muttered

"Nevermind, I shouldn't be here," he said, making a move for the window.

"No, you cant like me," that caught his attention, he turned around, your face was confused, your brain clearly trying to put things together, "how could you like me when I look like this, I mean, you even mocked me this morning,"

"Wait, what? Mocking you? When, what? And why the fuck cant I like you, is there some rule somewhere written in fucking stone,"

"Yeah, you made a mocking cat call when I took off my shirt to swim,"

"You thought I was mocking you?" His brow furrowed "I wasnt mocking you, that was genuine, I was trying to get you to realize that I have a thing for you!"

"JJ why?"

"Why? Why what? Why do I like you? Are you serious? Have you seen yourself!"

"Yes, yes I fucking have and that's exactly why you cant like me," you yelled, a tear escaping your eye.

"What are you even saying, Y/n?"

"This" you gestured to your body "This is why you cant like me, I'm fat JJ, I jiggle and my thighs rub, I have back rolls, I-" JJ cut you off, grabbing your face in his hands, thumbing your cheeks softly as he pressed his lips to yours hastily. You melted into him, giving yourself to the kiss, as if something in you surrendered to his affection.

You both pulled away, gasping for breath, forehead leaning on each other.

"Y/n, I like you, and that's always been something I've had a hard time saying, but I do, I like how you stomach sticks out, and how thick your thighs are, sometimes I imagine myself between them," you pulled back, looking him dead in the eye and biting your lip. "Moving on, I like how your boobs aren't a handful, they are like 5 handfuls, and how soft your back rolls are, I like you, I like your body, so get that through your dumb head," he joked, tapping your skull causing you to giggle. He pushed you down onto the bed, him landing softly on top of you. "Now that's out of the way, will you please just be mine, Y/n?"

"Yeah, JJ, I'll be yours, happily," his face broke into a smile as he ran his hands up and down your sides, leaning down and mashing his lips with yours.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.