#getting emotional likeeee life really sucks sometimes but you know what. no matter how bad it gets i got people that care about me

[snobgoblin]

when you realize there are people that genuinely care about you and you ARE somebody's first choice and people genuinely want you to be okay and they like being around you and the last thing they'd ever want to do is hurt you and they're really rooting for you and they love you just as much as you love them

[tooshytoengage]

First off

I’ve been really sad and frustrated for a while now.

I didn’t know why and I still kinda don’t, but I’m figuring my ish out.

Or at least trying to... lol

Anywho, long ago I convinced myself that I am the proud owner of a particularly shitty personality and too average of a face to balance it out.

So...

I’d overcompensate and try entirely too hard to be likeable even though it only led to me acting like a total goober and inevitably over sharing even though doing so only ever makes me feel worse about myself.

Then I’d complain and self deprecate until I could hear and feel people getting bored with me.

THEN I’d feel guilty for dumping all of my emotional inards on any and every one who came near.

Oftentimes, this led to me falling into a pit of despair, self-loathing, and self-pitying that could last anywhere from five minutes to forever.

However, I’d usually come to realize–once my friends and family started hitting me up, questioning where I’ve been–that I hadn’t yet burned all of my bridges and that everything was probably fine :)

Then I’d make plans to hang out with said friends or family.

Where I’d overcompensate.

And, over share.

And, complain.

And, feel guilty.

And, hate myself.

Over and over again.

Eventually, every little problem in my life was amplified as a result of this cycle.

i.e.

my academic life

my personal life

my social life (or lack thereof)

my love life (or lack thereof)

my home life (or lack thereof)

lol just kidding about that last one

Well kinda :/

You see, for the longest time I’ve felt like I haven’t had a home.

Like, I know I have a place of residence that I share with my family and all, but that’s all it seems to be.

I mean, I sleep there. I eat there. I have tons of memories there. And, in my off seasons I even live there.

But, I don’t belong there.

I have no idea where I belong...

And, now that I’m in college I’m more confused about the concept of home than I’ve ever been.

Maybe it has to do with me feeling trapped...

Or fearful...

Or both.

Maybe I’m just being stupid and home is something that’s been right in front of me this whole time 🙄

Whatever the reason, no matter where I am or what I think,

I often feel like nothing’s happening that should be happening.

Like, I thought that I’d be more studious, content, confident, flirty, and comfortable by now...

I mean, in middle school I thought that some sort of C H A N G E was gonna occur in high school.

Then, I thought “college :)”

And, now I just don’t know...

Now, I think that this is maybe the way things are.

And, maybe..

That’s not a bad thing?

Like, I’d love to be doing better in school.

I’d love to be more mentally and emotionally sound.

I’d love to be more confident and less awkward around other people.

I’d love to have a significant other.

And, I’d love to be able to effectively communicate with my family without feeling like I wanna gouge my eyes out.

But, it’s not even all that bad.

I’m not failing in school.

I feel really intense emotions—A L L O F T H E D A M N T I M E—but they’re not too difficult to handle once I know where they’re coming from.

I have pretty good friends who I LOVE and who love me too, despite how horrible I sometimes think I am.

I don’t need to like anyone right now, and I honestly won’t die if anyone doesn’t like me back b e c a u s e life isn’t built solely on romance (even though sometimes it feels like it is).

And, I love <3 my family even though they never fail at getting on my gotdamn nerves.

I guess my point is,

Last week I tried to convince myself that I am a mediocre person.

I tried to think that every single time I failed was a result of me not being good enough, that I will likely never ever be good enough, and that it’s okay for me not to be good enough because...

N O P R E S S U R E !!

But, perhaps pressure is good?

I mean, too much can suck, but a lot of the time I’m not even under that much pressure.

Likeeee, don’t get me wrong...

I have a lot of ish to do all of the time and a TON of responsibility, but it’s nothing I wouldn’t be able to handle if I only tried to handle it.

I just think that I can’t handle it sometimes because everyone else seems to have it just a tiny bit more together than I do.

But, people don’t always have it better.

They don’t even always have it necessarily better.

They usually just have it differently.

Like, my life doesn’t really suck that badly.

And, I’m not mediocre.

I don’t wanna be mediocre.

And, I’m not going to be mediocre.

I’m gonna be content and satisfied with my life and the ish I do in it.

Fuck a “failing grade”.

Fuck a “bad thought”.

Fuck a “fake friend”.

Fuck a “one that gets away”.

Fuck a “feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or upset at the og’s who loved my ass before even knowing my ass (i.e. from birth)”.

Self deprecation?

Idk dat bish 💁🏾‍♀️