#getting so pissed off ive sat and waited for this to load for about 10 years

[aeirithgainsborough]

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[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 10

A/N- Another update??? What is going on??! hope you all enjoy this part 💕 Please like/share/reblog.

Within days of being back home from our weekend at Chris's the lockdown was announced and I spent a day packing up some of mine and Masons belongings that we might need while staying with Chris. While i was feeling very nervous about having to spend this time with Chris, Mason was over the moon! He was so excited that we had to go stay with Chris and Dodger.

Chris arrived early with Scott and they loaded our things into Chris's car.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Scott said happily.

"Are you staying at Chris's too?"

"I am!"

"Oh god that means you're gonna be trying to get me drunk!"

"Well duh!" He laughed shrugging like it should have been a given.

"God help me you two are gonna be trouble" Chris said shaking his head as he helped Mason into his carseat.

"You knew what you were getting yourself into".

While Chris and Scott started bickering i turned and saw Brian coming out of his house, he stood and watched us and then started to walk towards us.

"Oh shit.... quick lets go, Brians coming over!"

"This guy!" Chris said through gritted teeth shaking his head and looking a little pissed off.

"Morning neighbour!" Brian called out, i turned and gave a quick wave.

"You and Mason leaving?"

"Yep, we're gonna ride this out with family" i nodded and felt Chris wrap his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him.

"Come on sweetheart we should go"

"Yeah sure, take care Brian"

"Wait, you look so familiar...." Brian suddenly said looking more closely at Chris "where have i seen you before?"

"I just have one of those faces, i get that a lot" Chris shrugged casually opening my door for me.

"Yeah maybe..... hey Y/N, i was thinking after this lockdown is over maybe you and i can get dinner...."

Was he serious right now??

"Dude really??!....." Chris snapped looking at Brian shaking his head.

"What?"

Chris closed my door and stood towering over Brian as they exchanged words i could no longer hear. Chris was soon strutting round to the driver side of the car while Brian stood there looking pissed. I turned to look at Chris as he got into the car, he was fuming. He started the car and pulled away onto the road, his grip on the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked him quietly.

"I will be knowing you and Mason are away from that creep"

"What did you say to him?"

"We'll talk about it later, i don't want Mace to hear"

"Okay, but can you please try and calm down....."

"Im Fine"

"Tell your face that, plus you're kinda white knuckling the steering wheel there....."

"Sorry.... sorry. Im fine really...." he loosened his grip and gave me a tight lipped smile.

"Always so protective" Scott chuckled from the back seat earning him a glare in the rear view mirror.

"Scott i swear to god...."

"Come on boys behave, this lockdown hasn't even started yet and you're bickering"

"You sure you don't wanna go stay with Ma....." Chris muttered at Scott making us all laugh.

The first week of lockdown quickly passed, there was no news on when the lockdown would let up so we were all just enjoying our time together.....It was just like old times. I called my mom and Hannah everyday just to check in and have some female conversation but other than that it was just me and the Evan's boys in our little quarantine bubble.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast when Chris walked in sporting a new haircut..... the buzzcut was back!

"Wow...... you've shaved your hair...."

"Yeah" he run his hand over his head blushing a little "fancied a change, its been a long time since i can just cut my hair when i want"

"Right, Marvel owned it before"

"No...."

"You know i'm right" i shrugged "i always did like the buzzcut look though"

"Yeah i remember....." he smirked.

"Morning family!" Scott said loudly walking into the kitchen "What happened to your hair??"

"Fancied a change, plus now i haven't gotta worry about my hair everyday"

"You know that actually sounds kinda smart..... have you seen my bed head??"

"Kinda hard to miss Scotty" i snickered behind my hand looking at his hair that was sticking up left, right and centre.

"Maybe i should do it too"

"And me!" Mason said smiling big at us "i want hair like dads too!"

"Oh my god Chris what have you started..."

"Sorry...."

"No its fine, its only hair. It'll grow back right.... i guess now is as good a time as any for a haircut".

After breakfast Chris took Mason for his hair cut while i showered and dressed for the day. The next time i saw them all three were sporting buzzcuts and i had to admit it was very cute!

"Let me get a photo of you three, this is just too cute to pass up" i smiled grabbing my phone. I snapped a few photo's and forwarded them to Chris and Scott before setting one as my lock screen and slipping my phone back into my pocket.

"Oh my god i love this.... i'm gonna get this blown up and framed on my wall" Chris smiled looking at the photo.

"Let me get one of you three" Scott jumped up and pulled me towards the sofa where Chris and Mason still sat.

"Oh.... we dont have to do that....."

"Come on, it'll be nice to have at least one photo of the three of us" Chris said looking up at me with those damn ocean eyes of his that always made me week.

"Okay, sure" i nodded taking the seat next to Mason.

"Move in a bit closer....." Scott said trying to get us all in frame, we both leaned in closer to Mason and smiled while Scott took the photo.

"Oh i'm good..... this is great you guys" Scott said before both our phones were receiving photo's from Scott. I couldn't help the smile on my face when i saw how lovely the photo had come out.

"Okay you did good, i love this"

"This ones going up too by the way" Chris looked at me with a huge smile.

"You don't have to do that...."

"You kidding me? I want to"

"Fair enough, its your house. I just don't think your girlfriend will appreciate it much".

"Okay..... who wants lunch??" Scott asked loudly interrupting, it had suddenly got a bit awkward at the mention of Lindsey so i just got up quickly and followed Scott into the kitchen.

Once Mason was in bed for the night the alcohol came out. We watched some old movie (that Chris found hilarious) played some card games which somehow led to childish drinking games and before we knew it we were all pretty wasted!

"Right you guys i'm going to bed, i physically can not drink anymore" Scott said getting to his feet and stumbling making Chris and I laugh.

"Dude you're such a lightweight" Chris rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Shut up. Goodnight.... love you both"

"Night Scotty, love you" i smiled up at him from where i was laying on sofa.

"Night bro, love ya".

Chris and I sat in silence for a few minutes, just the sounds on the TV playing in the background.

"You want another beer?" He asked getting up from the armchair he had been occupying all night.

"Sure, i'll have one more before bed".

While Chris went to grab the beers i sat and reached for my phone to make sure i hadn't missed any messages from my mom or Hannah. There was a photo from Hannah that made me laugh just as Chris walked back in with the beers.

"Hannah just sent me this photo..." i said to him turning my phone to show him a photo of Lucas who now had a buzzcut.

"Haha! Oh god i really started something didn't i?" He laughed looking a bit guilty.

"I sent her a photo of Mason's new haircut earlier, she said Lucas wouldn't shut up about wanting the same.... looks like he got his way"

"You gotta admit it looks cute though?"

"Yeah okay i'll give you that. Mason is like your little mini me, even more so than usual"

"He’s just missing the beard"

"I think we've still got some time until that happens" i laughed "you definitely have strong genes Evans.....that boy literally inherited none of my looks"

"No but he's got your attitude and sass"

"Hey!"

"Im kidding.... mostly"

"Ass" i muttered shaking my head at him before taking a mouthful of my beer.

"He might look like me but his personality is all you sweetheart... he's an amazing kid"

"Yeah he is, id be lost without him"

"I kinda love having you both here" Chris added avoiding eye contact with me.

"Its been nice, just remember its not permanent...."

"I know, i know" he nodded quickly "you know when i came in and saw you laughing at your phone, my first thought was that it might've been Derek.... i hate that guy and i don't even know him" he scoffed "how sad is that?"

"Chris....."

"I know, its none of my business who you date or whatever"

"You're right it is none of your business. But just for the record, there's nothing going on with Derek, we were gonna go for dinner before this lockdown stuff but i haven't spoken to him since"

"Oh...."

"Can i ask you something?" I turned to face him, he looked up and nodded finally looking at me.

"Why isn't Lindsey here?"

"What?...."

"Why isn't Lindsey staying with you? I mean you guys are obviously serious if you came looking for that divorce but she isn't here....."

Chris looked away again coughing to clear his throat.... was he nervous??

"Lindsey isn't here because i ended it"

"What?... when?"

"When i found out i had a son. When i saw you again and realised anything i thought i felt for her was a lie"

"Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No. Im just being honest. Y/N, i know i fucked up when i ended things with us.... it was the biggest mistake of my life and i regret it everyday.... but i never stopped loving you. Not for one god damn second...."

I suddenly felt very sober, my heart pounding in my chest.

“You’re just saying this because you’ve had too much to drink...” i muttered shaking my head.

“You’re probably right, doesn’t mean its not true. Ive just been keeping it to myself” Chris suddenly got up and came to sit next me taking hold of my hand “i know my timings sucks but i just needed you to know..... and i just need to know if there is any chance at all that you’d give me another chance.....”

“Chris i really don’t think now is a good time to talk about this.... we’ve both had too much to drink..... if you’re serious about this i think we need to have this conversation sober”

“But you’re willing to have that conversation?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow” i nodded pulling my hand free and standing up “i’m gonna go to bed.... goodnight”.

I had to put some distance between us before i did something id regret in the morning.

It was safe to say i wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @buchanansebba

[m-rphy]

We can text if you can’t talk

Summary:            When Matteo sees David dance with and kiss Leonie at Sara's party, his world begins to crumble, and it's like he's plunged into darkness. This is the aftermath. TW: This fic deals with slight themes of transphobia and self-harm/depression.

Notes:    I apologize in advance if I handled any trans issues in an insensitive matter in this fic. Please let me know if that's the case and I'd be happy to change those parts.

Matteo had stopped caring about which day it was. He woke up when it was already light out and went back to sleep long after the sun had set. His curtains were drawn closed pretty much 24/7 anyway, so it wasn't like it mattered if it was day or night.

First, he had been able to excuse his behavior to Hans and Linn and his boys with just wanting to relax a few days after his first couple of exams. Then he had lied that he got sick and needed to rest. But at this point, he had run out of excuses. He basically only left his bed to take a piss or get something to eat (which all tasted the same anyway so it was frozen pizza after frozen pizza) and he knew he worried Hans and Jonas especially, but he couldn't help it. It just... got overwhelming. Matteo wished nothing more than to be able to... take out his brain and replace it with a new, normally-functioning one, or to just disappear, or to never being born at all.

He had put on some comedy on Netflix in hopes of it cheering him up, but he couldn't even begin to concentrate on the movie so instead, he was playing games on his phone at the same time. Just as the leading lady in the movie fell into a pool, his phone buzzed with a message.

Jonas, 20:17 Hey bro what are you doing?

Matteo inhaled deeply. He had been ignoring Jonas for two days already and he knew it was unfair but the thought alone of trying to string together words for an answer drained what little energy he had left. He plopped his head down on his arm again, dropping his phone back onto his mattress.

Man, this movie was shit.

Matteo blinked awake. Deep pink light fell through his windows, half-swallowed and muted by his curtains, but still tinting his room a warm hue. His laptop still stood on the edge of his bed, the led light that indicated it was in standby mode blinking. Matteo closed it and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling.

His mind wandered to all the times this has happened before. Most days, it was just an underlying feeling of sadness mixed with apathy, something people around him tended to call a “laid-back” or “I don't give a fuck” attitude. But some days and weeks, it got bad. Like, bad bad. Sleeping-for-15-hours bad. Not-showering-in-four-days bad. Banging-his-head-against-a-wall-to-numb-the-inside-pain-with-outside-pain bad.

His phone buzzed again, but he didn't even bother to look at it. His stomach rumbled. Matteo inhaled deeply, debating how much longer he could put off making some food since he had been hungry already before his nap. His stomach grumbled again, contracting painfully.

Matteo sighed and rolled over to get up, not bothering to change the sweater he had been living in for the past three days, or to put on proper pants. The WG had seen him in his boxers plenty of times already so whatever.

He padded over into the kitchen, painfully aware of the disheveled state of his hair and how easy it would be for any of the others to tell something wasn't alright. He didn't care. He simply took a pizza from the freezer, put it on the oven rack without backing parchment and closed the oven door, setting the temperature to 200°C.

“Hey my little butterfly,” Hans greeted him as he entered to kitchen and went over to the fridge.

“He,” Matteo replied, and God, now he even failed at forming full words? And sure enough, Hans turned around to look at him, the fridge door hanging open behind him. Matteo avoided his eyes and looked down at his feet.

“Pizza again?” Hans asked, obviously trying to make conversation, but Matteo didn't see the point in replying. Obviously pizza again. He just did a half-shrug-head-shake instead. Hans didn't say anything else for a few seconds, and then, “How about we cook something together tomorrow evening? A nice potato gratin with loads of cheese. Hm? What about that?”

Matteo looked up at Hans for a moment and said “Whatever” with another shrug before he looked at his feet again. Hans made a small noise of discontent.

“You need a pick-me-up,” he concluded before he shut the fridge and left the kitchen again, leaving Matteo to stare at the spot where he just stood.

*

A soft knock on his door caused Matteo to look up.

“Matteo,” an even softer voice came muffled through the door and Matteo's heart skipped a beat. He felt paralyzed. “Can I come in?”

Matteo just stared at the door, a thousand emotions swelling up inside him and constricting his throat, making it impossible to reply anything. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't even sure if he wanted him to come in or not.

A soft thud against the door made Matteo think that he leaned against it on the other side and some of the tension left Matteo's body, only to come back tenfold when his phone buzzed with a message from him.

David, 21:09  Can I please come inside?

Matteo blinked and felt a tear fall from his eyes. Fuck. Why were emotions a thing? He stared at the message through the tears blurring his vision and his fingers hovered over the screen.

Matteo, 21:10  Ok

There was some rustling on the other side of the door and after a moment of silence, the door creaked open. Matteo held his breath.

David entered his room hesitantly, half-hiding behind the door, and looked over at Matteo who realized that David would totally be able to tell he had been crying, even from where he stood. Quickly, he wiped his cheeks dry with the sleeve of his sweater.

“Hi,” David said quietly, not moving, waiting, giving Matteo room. For some reason, this made everything worse.

“Hi,” Matteo finally replied and David took this as a sign that he could close the door. Afterwards, he came over to the bed, but stopped at the end of it, biting his lip. This close, Matteo – who couldn't help but study David's face – saw that he didn't seem to be doing so well either. There were dark circles under his eyes and his hair looked a lot messier than usual.

The silence filled the room when neither of them knew what to say next. Matteo was glad he didn't need to talk because the lump in his throat was still there and he was afraid that his voice would break if he had to say more than one word. As the silence went on he watched as David pulled his phone out of his pocket and started typing, before his own phone buzzed. David looked over at him expectantly. Matteo unlocked his phone.

David, 21:12  We can text if you can't talk

And, a second later...

David, 21:12  It's what I do when everything gets too much

Matteo stared at the messages as a feeling, so very different from everything he had experienced in the past days, started to spread through him. The closest he had ever come to feeling like this was when he spent time alone with Jonas, but it was different still. His phone buzzed again.

David, 21:13  I will just stay here a bit okay? And when you're ready you can tell me whats wrong

With this, he sat down at the end of the bed and took of his jacket, revealing a soft black hoodie, his headphones still looped around his neck, like always. Matteo knew David was looking over at him, but he just continued to stare at his phone, at the message David had just sent.

The clattering of pots and pans carried over from the kitchen, and somehow it felt like an invasion of privacy, even though Matteo was perfectly aware that all of his flat mates were decent enough not to listen in on others' conversations. Well, except maybe Hans.

Matteo tried to breathe through the lump in his throat as he started typing a reply to David. He didn't know where to start, a thousand thoughts flooding his brain. After a moment of hesitation, he started with the one he was surest about.

Matteo, 21:15  I like you. I cant explain it but i do and i think ive never felt the same for anyone else and its terrifying. Because life is horrible and shit like at saras party happens and it rips ur fucking heart out nd theres nothing u can do abut it

The tears were back and he hated hated hated it. He hated himself so much in moments like this. Matteo screwed his eyes shut and dropped his head against the wall he was leaning on with a bit more force than he had planned and suddenly he found himself in David's arms who pulled him away from the wall and held him tight.

“Stop,” he whispered in Matteo's ear, no heat behind it, so very different to how his Dad had reacted when Matteo had first shown signs of self-destructive behavior as a child. And when David's fingers brushed gingerly across the back of his head to soothe the pain, instead of grabbing his wrists in an iron grip like his Dad telling him to snap out of it, Matteo realized was true concern looked like. Since his Dad had left, he had begun to realize that his father's actions had always come from a place of annoyance, but it hadn't been until just now that he knew what difference a reaction could make.

And with this realization, Matteo slumped against David and hugged him back, held him so close that he thought he'd crush him, but David just let it happen. And like this they sat until the clatter and chatter from the kitchen fell silent, the others back in their rooms, and his room dark save for the lamp on his bedside table. The tears had stopped, though his nose was still runny, and finally he felt ready to pull back.

He met David's eyes, the other boy's eyebrows knitted together sadly.

“I'm sorry,” he murmured, dropping his gaze for a moment. “About Sara's party. I don't know what came over me. It's just...” He inhaled deeply. “You remember that joke you made about Hans's friend, the trans girl from that one party who you said “Still totally looks like a dude”?”

Matteo blinked at him in confusion before he nodded.

“Well, it's just that...” David hesitated again, taking another shaky breath. “I'm trans, Matteo.”

Matteo felt his face fall. Fuck.

“David, I –” he started but David cut him off.

“My parents decided to move since I was bullied at my last school because of it, so I never told anyone here because I didn't wanna go through the same stuff again. And then you came along and I fell head over heels and then... well... then you said that.” He looked down at his lap where he picked on his thumb's cuticle with his fingernail. “And it made me doubt everything that happened between us. And then Leonie was at the party, and I know she has a crush on me, so I just said to myself, why the fuck not? I just wanted to feel good for one night.”

Matteo stared at him, his thoughts a mess.

“David, I'm sorry,” he finally said, because what he had just heard put everything else into perspective. “I never meant to hurt you, I'm sorry.”

“Well, shit happens,” David said with a sad chuckle and looked at Matteo again. “After you said that, my thoughts just spiraled and I... well... I ended up convincing myself that you'd never want to be together with me because I'm trans.”

“No!” The word broke out of Matteo with such force that he was a bit surprised himself. “It's... well I'd be lying if I said it's not a bit weird right now, but... it doesn't change anything for me, David. I like you because you're you. Because you get me.” And when he saw the look on David's face, he added, “I meant it's weird because I'm a stupid bastard and I don't know shit, and I don't want to hurt you ever again with something I say.”

“Don't call yourself that,” David said in a small voice.

“It's true though. I hurt you, so that makes me a bastard.”

“You were just joking around,” David tried to trivialize it. “You didn't know any better.”

But Matteo was having none of it. “That's not an excuse. It was still shitty.”

He thought David would continue to protest, but he said something else instead. “Do you know why I'm here?” Matteo shook his head no. “Because Sara texted me. Apparently she had the suspicion you're gay and have a crush on me after you dumped her, and then Hanna texted her earlier about how you've been down the whole holidays and she remembered what happened at the party and put two and two together.”

Matteo couldn't help but be amazed. He knew he had hurt her deeply, but that she still found it in her heart to care about him like that... he hadn't expected it. At the mention of the party, Matteo couldn't keep himself any longer from asking a question that had been on his mind since David had arrived.

“So you're not interested in Leonie?”

The question hung in the air for a moment before David laughed, and Matteo's heart tugged warmly at the sight of it.

“Matteo. I'm gay. I'm in love with you.”

Whoop, there it was. David's mouth fell open when he noticed what he had said and Matteo was aware that he looked just as thunderstruck.

“You what?” he asked, not able to stop the smile from spreading across his face. It took David a second longer before a similar smile lifted the corners of his mouth as well.

“I'm in love with you.”

“God, stop being cheesy!” Matteo laughed and shoved David so that he almost fell backwards. For a moment, they jostled around until both of them needed to catch their breath and Matteo noticed that their fingers were entwined. Suddenly, the air in his room felt heavier again.

“So, you still like me?” David asked, the uncertainty still audible in his voice.

“Yes,” Matteo answered without missing a beat. “I still like you, dumbass.”

And God, the smile that lit up David's face just then, it could've blinded the whole world.

[invisible-allover-blog]

creative writing

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

"Too many bongs" silly bastard.

So it started when i was around 15 my cousin was living with me and my Dad, he smoked pot, so did my aunty but ill get into that in a bit. I used to sneak into my cousins room and look for crumbs of weed in his draws if i found some i would scarpe them up run into my room and roll a joint. And then off too school i went. I was on the bus right (thought i was super stoned) smelt more like tobacco but oh well i was just getting into it. I packed myself a tin of baked beens and some other garbage thought it was hilarious and sat next to a girl from highschool and giggled the whole was. That was loads of fun. Serously, it was dont mind my monotone like writing im just not in the descriptive mood you know. It gets like that after too many trips. So off on the gateway heaven to drugs (not good, dont condone. sarcasm) And then my favourite cousin, the on i grew up with just around the corner from me and i would sneak into my aunties room and scuffle around ooking for scrapings of weed on the ground we got high all the bloody time and i dont regret that for a second.. i regret it for a lot more. Im starting to feel depressed brb having some valium. I needed to take the edge off. Its unfortunate weed does that to some people. Im starting to really question the war on drugs, and wheres the fucking happy pill? I remember one time me and some of my old friends "were out the back" (where we would smoke bongs) saw her dog eat a whole lizard we cracked up so fucking hard. She literally dug it out of the ground. Its funny being a teenager and thinking your being all stealth mode while your parents know exactly what your doing. We had this weird ongoing joke that we were gagging and spewing after bongs just to see who would actually spew from it. it was hilarious. I wont write about all of that.

"a Fucking cigarette" for fuck sake.

so it all started when i was 18 i began to lose my mind. I walked outside and saw the moon beaming. i looked up to the stars and wondered if i was alone. Were there aliens above me? was i sent from above. "clearly i was delusion, says the nagging voice in my head. But i was so filled with wonder, i felt wonderful. This was after smoking a cigarette.. benson and hedges ofcourse. I felt as if i was on a trip. I didnt know whether or not there was drugs in me but looking back its okay. It was a memory... a thought maybe i should get Mr Burns with radiation poising tattood on my overly big calves. Hmm probably not. So, that was my first paranoid delusion which in retrospect is a conspiracy that many people have delved into in he past and havent given up on themselves. but was it heresay for them and experience for us? Thats the question that was just on my mind, Hmm. I was told not long after my eighteenth birthday that i was not going to "make it in life" because i hadnt been to university or finished highschool. So off in an ambulance to the nuthouse i went. Because of PSTD i wont go into it, but i will say this; dont give up before youve really understood yourself and the world. dont giv up ever. Suicide, delusions, conspiracys are memories adventures and i didnt line that up perfectly but look life is life, and there aint nothing better than that. Life is an awfully big adventure. Peter pan quote, flipped on its head for ya.

"Lulu" my baby pup.

So itd been a long hard 3 months in hospital, i had just gone through another mental beating off of the nurses. One of them pulled my hair. Cunt. In his defence i spat a pill at him cause i was sick of being over drugged. Valium, seroquel, clopixal, flouxitine, clozapine. and many acufazes... they inject the violent patients with it. I couldnt help it id gotten into my first cat fight and enjoyed it a little too much. They locked me in there and then wouldnt let me go to the toilet. So i pissed on there motherfucking floor. "Ha!" had to clean that one up didnt ya hospital. It was really in humane the way they wre treating people honestly its like american horror story back there, where the people never get out. I had a vivid dream that someone was going to kill me. i wasnt wrong they literally dressed up in all black and came for me. i woke up and remembered the one thing my ex told me "i hope you scream" and so i did and he/she ran away i had suspicions that the black hooded figure crept into the medicine room... the room noone ever walked in or out of? Hmm. i wnder what they are hiding. another DREAM i was having was that there were homeless people hiding in the bushes outside of concord waiting to kill. i guess they chose to see red. idiots. Its been a long 10 years discovering the world isnt all rainbows and butterflies. And im over the hospital trying to cover there arses. be gone with it, they are using it as a prison now, trust me. I saw the badges. I was let go, thank fuck for that. My dogs barking madly outside. PRobably seing things pretty sure my dog sees dead people "haha" or possibly shes seeing things in time. I do believe its possible but what it is is a delay in the workings of the universe. Dont tell me that i know theres time differences. I didnt go to uni to have to see to believe. Thre was a woman that was pregnant in there, she smeared shit all over the walls so im guessing she never even got let out to do that. WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! I guess the toughst people do go through the toughest battles. Im an aussie battler. ive never used that one before, that saying i mean. i really hope my first love doesnt end his life. Same with my most recent ex he just got out of a relationship with me and went straight back to his first love, and to me thats okay. Its good, im glad. I was going to hold him back ya know? i really was he had money and everything. Thats another thing the test of time has taught me. Love and let go. Wow it just dawned on me that the saying if you love something let it go... wait im changing that if you love someone let them go, and if they go and dont come back theyve moved on positively or negatively. I cant help falling inlove with the feeling of love over and over again. He told me he was going to marry me, were just kids. I wonder if ill ever find someone to love me again. I thought i was depressed and broken hearted. and i really was, i couldnt eat i couldnt sleep i couldnt speak.

"whinging again" the fucking hospital Theyve taken so much blood off of me its unbelievable, okay done whinging.

"sex" here we go. i havent had sex in so long, it feels like years. I cant help that my thing is to make love and really connect on that level where your both in it. really enjoying it.

"by the way" the man that stalked and preyed on kids is locked in a basement getting the shit beaten out of him. I think maybe torture is enough. lay him to rest.