#giving will some 'tragic' backstory that involves parental abuse is in no way the compelling narrative you think it is

[daisies-on-a-cup]

actually you know what if you make will's dad an abusive parent i cant say i trust you much

[whatsgodgottodowithreligion-blog]

Wounded Healers of the World, Unite!

In the dedication to my book, What’s God Got To Do With It, I wrote:

“To the wounded, and the wounded healers. Know that we are one and the same”

That wasn’t some clever turn of phrase or play on words - with that statement I was articulating a basic truth that we are either unaware of, or unconsciously forget as we go about the business of daily living. Now, some of us have been exceptionally wounded: through neglect, violence, and physical/emotional abuse we suffered either at the hands of our caretakers, and/or by the ones we have shared intimate relationships with. Some personal growth gurus are fond of saying that we attract those relationships, however damaging, so that we may learn the lessons we need to learn in this lifetime. 

Sorry folks, but I’m gonna stray into heretical territory when I tell you that personally, I find that to be complete and utter bullshit. True, as adults, many of us attract negative or destructive relationships into our lives (either through the familiarity of our personal backstory, or because we have been ingrained to believe those are the only kind of relationships we are worthy of having). But to say that those of us who have survived horrific abuses at the hands of parents/guardians/relatives/clergy needed those experiences to make us better persons is yet another platitude, however new-agey, used to explain that which is unfathomable in any empathic capacity. This doesn’t mean we can’t overcome such trauma, and even emerge victorious from our “baptism by fire”, but any suggestion of a conscious or metaphysical contract on our part to invite such abuse is a dangerous hypothesis to make.

The concept of the “wounded healer” is an allegory common to both Christian theology and traditional literature. It is a common theme because it is relatable and real: we all know stories of people who have overcome tremendous odds and psychological scars to give back to their communities, to share messages of hope and love, and to minister to those disenfranchised and often ignored. Even those individuals whose background involves less heinous transgressions put upon them have gone on to utilize those “lessons” in proactive ways to improve and uplift the lives of many suffering in present tense from similar circumstances. Often, grace is displayed by those whom we’d never believe to have suffered in any detrimental fashion, and yet have.

When I attended/presented at this year’s Wild Goose Festival, I met an angel of grace in the most (seemingly) unlikely of places. The headline performer on the main stage this year was none other than “Queen of Christian Pop”, Amy Grant. Amy’s trajectory from teenaged Contemporary Christian music artist to 80′s crossover pop star to bluegrass/gospel darling is a fascinating one, and yet many in attendance had an understandable enthusiasm toward her “VH-1 era” crossover hits, and her pop covers of 60′s chestnuts like “Put A Little Love In Your Heart” and “Turn, Turn, Turn.” Through a two-hour set on a ridiculously muggy night, under oppressive bright spotlights and swarms of insects attracted to such light, Amy remained poised, engaging, unflappable, even amusing - joking through both the annoyance and discomfort of contending with the elements.

Prior to the night’s stellar concert, I found that Amy and her “entourage of two” were camping in an RV just a few feet from where I was: while most past artists sought accommodations at the nearby (and considerably more civilized) Laughing Heart Lodge, Amy showed her humility in ways that still leave me scratching my head - brushing her teeth/hair in the communal sinks, singing and playing her guitar during Beer and Hymns, and being incredibly approachable to fans introduced to her by WGF Executive Director Jeff Clark. To give you an example of how modest and unassuming Amy was, when I stopped by the RV parked next door to re-connect and say hi to Jeff, I was completely clueless that the striking country gal he was talking with was none other than Grant herself.

On the final day of the Festival, Amy did a morning interview on the main stage, prior to our Sunday service. Moderator Chris Hauser asked the usual questions about her career and personal triumphs - at one point, I was waiting for Chris to exclaim, “AMY GRANT - THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Do you remember this voice from your past?” Thankfully, that didn’t happen. But he did play a voice from her past - it was a recording of a young Amy singing her first CCM hit, “My Father’s Eyes.” Needless to say, the 50-something year old Grant was a little embarrassed to hear her fourteen year old self singing that tune, and she was quite candid in her self critique. She said the tune was not very remarkable, her voice wasn’t that great - that there were dozens of female singers struggling to break into the industry whom she considered to be exceedingly more talented than she. 

She reflected on how she felt during those ‘early years’ in her career - in shock that so many folks saw a talent in her that, in her own mind, was hardly worth fussing over. Even forty years later, she remained astonished that so many folks treated her with kindness and encouragement, did not try to exploit her or physically take advantage of her - how blessed she was to have been surrounded by so many talented professionals who not only took a genuine interest in her, but wanted to see her succeed in a business that is not always known for having nice guys (and gals) finish first. Then, as her voice grew softer and more somber, she confessed to the crowd that for many, many years, she was plagued with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. She never believed she was worthy of the early acclaim, the accolades, the success. She felt she was not up to the task, that the bar was being somehow lowered to allow her to perform and be in the spotlight. 

Now, it’s a given that many in the entertainment field chose creative expression precisely to overcome such feelings of low-esteem and unworthiness (as evidenced by the tragic endings of Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin, John Belushi and Anthony Bourdain), but it was refreshing, even revelatory to hear that a woman who is a pillar of Contemporary Christian music, a woman who did not fall prey to drugs, bed-hopping or other vices, a woman who essentially led a sheltered life, and was sheltered from those temptations in an industry rife with them, would still have a personal demon - her own feelings of low self-worth and insecurity to deal with. She spoke about her marriage to fellow musician/songwriter Gary Chapman in 1992 (which produced three children), and her feelings of anger and betrayal when the couple divorced in 1999. It was an admission that caught me totally off guard, and I was floored by her honesty and transparency in sharing such an obviously difficult period in her life. But it also reminded me of our collective humanity - hers, as well as mine.

During the Sunday service, Amy sang “Better Than A Hallelujah” (from her 2010 release, Somewhere Down The Road) while a queer pastor officiated over the Eurcharist, then Amy, alongside progressive pastor Jacqui Lewis assisted in giving out communion. For some reason, I felt compelled to stand in the line where Amy was, and after receiving the bread and eating it, I hugged her and said, “I want you to know that what you said earlier really touched me. You are the last person that I would think would struggle with issues of low self-esteem. It really meant a lot to me to hear you say that, as I have been struggling with the wounds of my abuse for most of my adult life. God Bless You.” Amy could hear both the pain and sadness in my voice, and she ‘ministered’ to me with compassion and love. She thanked me for sharing what i said with her, and gave me a blessing before moving onto the next congregant waiting to be served the body of Christ.

In that one brief exchange I felt many things: grief, a depth of sadness I was not prepared to visit, but I also felt she understood, she cared, and I felt a psychic affirmation from her that what I went through was painful, that she appreciated being taken into her confidence, and most of all, that I mattered to her. Her, Amy Grant reminded me that I mattered. Even as I write this, I find it hard to stir up those emotions, but I do so because it is important that I convey to you, on an intimate level, what it means to be both wounded, and a wounded healer. I felt like kindred spirits with Amy during that exchange, like we had both had our share of baggage, and that in the end, we were both resolute survivors. We both understood that God had a larger plan for us, and we were going to do our best to fulfill that, and follow our inner voice. Throughout her professional and personal life (she has been married to country’s Vince Gill since 2000, and they share a daughter together), Amy has been the embodiment of good Christian values. I was not surprised to learn of the outreach she was doing on her ranch in the Tennessee mountains - utilizing her property to hold retreats and such - it made perfect sense given what I know about her now.

The reason I wrote the book in the first place was that I recognized that many people have been bruised by religion - the capricious application of it by equally wounded ‘followers’, how judgment and condemnation have pulled us from our humanity, instead of compassion and forgiveness drawing us toward it. I knew it was wrong, and needed to change. I knew it needed someone to call out such hypocrisy and brutality. I wanted to reach out to all those wounded souls and say, “Hey - God loves you. You’re here for a reason. Stop judging others, and say “Enough!” to the judgment foisted upon you by others. Respond to their ignorance with love.” John Lennon sang, “Love is the answer, and you know that for sure.” Don’t ever forget that you, in all your wounded brokenness have a gift to share with the world. And, if we could see in each other, that which we know lives inside our own souls, maybe, just maybe, we can move toward healing others, and by extension, be healed through them. For we are all one and the same.