#good god the cycles of violence... bingge vs. bingmei extra Relay (Fiona Apple) amv i make up in my head save me...

[warpweighted]

I have so many feelings about luo bingge hes supposed to be the ultimate power fantasy clearly to the extent that even he does not recognize how fundamentally empty his life has become. he was very open-hearted until Shen Qingqiu pushed him into the Abyss, at which point he reforged his fundamental worldview into the same one Shen Qingqiu ascribes to, which is: there are two types of people in the world, those who get hurt and those who do the hurting (optional type 3: women and children who are mostly innocent of either, by virtue of having someone do and/or receive the hurt on their behalf), and the only way to move from the first category is to place yourself firmly in the second. he does, I think, try to make himself better than SQQ, by maintaining his position only by hurting people who have already done harm (for whatever his threshold of "harm" is), but he definitely does not reject the worldview. because that would require him to be vulnerable! and look where that fucking got him the last time he tried it! it got him in the Abyss is where it got him!

which does not leave room for things like "love" or "care", but does ensure that he is extremely secure in his position (power fantasy) and that he will always have people to do whatever he wants (power fantasy) and that he will have every single one of his physical needs taken care of (power fantasy) and that because he is the most powerful person in the entire world, he will never be hurt again (power fantasyyyyyyy). which, given the entirety of his childhood and young adulthood, is understandable! I dont think he's ever been able to dream something more for himself than "I'm warm and I have enough to eat and no one hurts me." I doubt he thinks there is anything more than that. from all possible angles he has more than achieved his wildest dreams. what could there possibly be to be unhappy about? If he's discontent, that's just because he's gone too long without a conquest (a conquest of what type? take your pick).

But he is never satisfied with what he has, and he has no one who will treat him as a person to be loved rather than a lord to be appeased. which is by design! someone who treats him like a person is someone who is close enough to hurt him, and as long as there is some new power to be grabbed there is some avenue by which he is not yet all powerful, and therefore some way in which he can still be hurt.

which means that meeting SY!SQQ shakes the very foundations of his worldview, because here is a Shizun who cared for him. Hurt him, yes - in most of the ways that his own SQQ hurt him - but cared for him nonetheless, and is currently trying his best to care for him entirely and hurt him not at all, and who expects the same of Luo Bingge Binghe. This world's SQQ rejected the premise that avoiding harm necessitates harming others, and this world's (weak! vulnerable!) LBH also rejected this premise and somehow managed to live by it? symbolized very blatantly by having somehow managed to hold on to his mother's guanyin pendant. and this LBH is satisfied, he's happy despite having almost nothing at all, only one spouse and not even a quarter of the treasures LBG has and he fucking shattered Xin Mo, he hasnt taken out hardly any powerful enemies and there are still people in the world who can hurt him and somehow he's the one who got the genuine security and the loving relationship even though he's done nothing at all to deserve it -

And confronting all of that is going to require he internalizes that he did not deserve what SQQ did to him, and that the relations of power he thinks of as an immutable foundation to the world are not only not inherent but are actually wrong, and that all the security and safety he has acquired over his lifetime will not be what actually makes him happy, and actually being happy requires taking on the risk that he will be hurt again. which has got to be terrifying to him, but theres no way he can un-pop that bubble and go back to not remembering how it feels to receive a loving touch.