#gottastartanew

[mockingbird-secrets]

words that i’ll never get to say to you.

i don’t normally write here bc as far as i am concerned, i’m sure nobody would read it. it’s the last day of march 2017 and honestly too much has happened. i rmb telling myself to allow 2017 be a better year but look where i am- back to square one. however i’m switching stuff up. i can’t deal with this any longer. i am basically suffocating myself. i am going to type all these things that i want to say to you here and begin april differently. yes, i’m going to attempt to give myself a chance. here goes.

dear you,

it has been about 3 months since you first texted me about your concerns. i remember my heart racing and heating up bc i was so confused as to why such a day would come despite me trying to be as transparent as possible. but i still failed. as a friend. i failed to do that.

dear you,

i recall around a week later that i received some shocking news and didn’t even know how to react. i wanted to check up on you but i was afraid. i’m not sure why, till now. however i did it, and you poured out to me yet again. i felt relieved, bc i was happy i could somehow be there for you again knowing how much that situation has affected you.

dear you,

i forgot to reply you once, and in this time frame, i met up with friend A to meet person1 to simply collect something. i even asked friend A along bc i knew and felt that it was kind of wrong for me if i didn’t, although it wasn’t. 

that was the day i initiated to both friend A and person1 to take up a certain class i’ve always wanted to take. always. anyone who knew me well enough knows that i like this a whole lot. person1 agreed and i rushed into looking up information bc someone finally didn’t mind going for it. the intention was simple- to learn what i’ve always liked.

dear you,

however, i never knew that by simply doing that, i was “choosing sides” and clearly “didn’t want the friendship”. you started saying many things. (to person1 at least) not that it matters to me, but what you said really, really, really hurt me. i’m going to be honest with you, (although you’ll never see this) i didn’t think this matter would affect me so much or affect me at all. i never imagined myself being this affected. but it dawned upon me that all these that i’m typing here right now, these are my true feelings that can never be translated to you bc you didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself, nor did you bother to even ask me about it. 

and the only reason? bc you meant more than i could ever imagine. i’ve known you since i was 9. i can almost recall every single thing we’ve been through. from being little clueless kids to teenagers stressing over final exams. despite everything that has happened, friends A, B, C, D, E and so on, has reminded me on how it clearly shows you didn’t even take me as a real friend, on how i should just let go bc such a friend isn’t worth all these drama, and how everything was basically a fake. they definitely made sense and i appreciate their advice, but what they don’t know is the memories we’ve had and the countless ups and downs we’ve been through. 8 years isn’t a short amount of time, in fact its almost half my life. its easy, to play along with your games. but when i really sit to think, it hurts like a fucking bitch. it does.

dear you,

do you know what hurt me the most out of all these? your words. your words itself has made me rethink my entire fucking existence and the reality of “friends”, or even as you’ve called it, “best friend”. the fact that after being friends for 8 years, you don’t know me well enough to know that i’d never do such a thing or even want to hurt you on purpose. the fact that you think of me as someone this way. the fact that you didn’t even fucking bother to text me personally to clear the goddamn fucking questions in your head. you’d rather believe what you’ve heard from others than to actually clarify it with me. you didn’t even give me a chance for something i didn’t even fucking do. it fucking hurts. it really does. no, it really hurts. are you aware? 

i’m not pushing the blame to you but, why didn’t you? why didn’t you bother at all? am i really not worthy at all? throughout our friendship i’ve always felt bad bc i never could really express how i felt towards you bc compared to you and the stories you shared, i never spoke much. compared to the posts you’d make, i never posted much. but i really did, appreciate, our friendship. i did. 

I FUCKING GET IT that people come and go but do you know why i bothered to type this goddamn post that you’d never read now? bc it matters to me. you mattered. 

when you compared me to a certain friend, my heart broke. when you judged me for what “i did” without even bothering to clarify it with me, my heart broke. when you.... when you said i chose person1 over you... i was speechless. i was numb. all the times where you said something and my friends would just laugh it off, i would too, but deep down i really broke down. and i never let any of it out till now. i don’t believe in burdening others with my nonsensical thoughts and bullshit feelings but, i have no idea how to survive with it anymore. like i said, it’s suffocating- to act like i’m perfectly fine when i’m fucking not.

dear you,

i’m genuinely at a loss. i have a 100% clear conscience but yet i feel bad. i’m such a fucking loser. and to you? maybe you’d think i’m being dramatic and i’m overreacting, but try having such a good friend for 8 years with priceless memories but to only lose it to a matter that is false. i treasure my friends, i am aware of those who are worth keeping, and you were one of them. 

but after all the words you lashed out about me, more hurting than i could ever imagine, i realised something. nothing is real, and nothing is fake. you go figure that one out yourself. as much as my heart wants to, its time for me to be stronger than that.

dear you,

i read a post once. it said something along the lines of “if it mattered to them, they would apologise not because they are begging for forgiveness, but because they treasure the relationship.” i honestly would apologise, even for something that i completely did not do wrong- because i treasure(d) the friendship. but seeing you even deleting me off your instagram posts? i realised how worthy i am to you- basically of 0 worth. (which fucking sucks btw)

the old me? yea like the 9/10/11/12 year old me? i would beg for your forgiveness. because i never had friends. i was ugly, i was stupid, teachers hated me, so did my peers. it was till the extend of other kids calling me names and not wanting to go for recess with me. but you were my friend, and so why do you think i was so grateful? bc i appreciated the fact that you didn’t judge me from my cover, and wasn’t ashamed to be my friend.

the old me? yea the 13/14/15/16 me? i would have texted you first and reasoned every single thing out with you regardless. even if it meant taking the risk of you hating on me because you are that angry. but i know we are friends so i would’ve just went ahead.

me? what about me right now? i’m not dumb yknow? i might not be academically inclined but i know about life. no, its not a brag, i’ve seen much, been through quite a few things, well maybe more than “few”, to be able to know such things. and yknow what? my friends are right. there’s no use holding on to something that the other party doesn’t even care about because it takes two hands to clap. clearly, and again, you proved that i mean almost nothing. 

dear you,

i’m afraid we’re reaching the end, of this post and of this situation. i am going to give myself a chance and let this go. no matter how hard it might be, i’ll try to let it go. but thanks for waking me up and allowing me to realise such things. thanks for these 8 years too.  if hating me, and channeling your anger on me can make you feel better about the whole situation then, i guess it’s the last thing i can do for you. and if i could tell you one last thing? i just really want you to know that i would never have chosen person1 over you. it wasn’t even the case to begin with but it seems like that’s how you thought. i never knew i was choosing a friendship to ditch and to start anew. but whatever. whatever it is, everything has happened. it’s too late. we’re all scarred. thank you for waking me up, and thak you for allowing me to realise who my true friends are.