#half spitballing half formed thoughts thats been in my head for a bit

[demonicintegrity]

White gays being the weakest link and white gays holding so strongly onto being queer as a getaway from so much bullshit also comes down to the fact that this is the first time they’ve ever been Othered. And it’s the first time they’ve ever had proper community and solidarity.

Especially being a white American. There is no culture in being white besides that you are In. That’s why white American people have no culture, the entire thing is built up of Not being the Other. Now often Christianity/Catholicism can play a role in this, but not being super into either of them is often forgivable/flexible with because you’re still automatically In. And you can always learn to be Better at being In through church if that’s called for.

In fact, being the Better Ones of the In is what drives a lot of white parenting and raising. The nuclear family, playing your role in the family, getting a Good Job, is all about being Better In.

Being queer on the other hand, has no room in being In. And is the first time white gays, especially cis men, have at being even at risk at being Out. It’s startling, because a lot can be forgiven if youre In, because it can be played into the role of being a lesson or hardship to overcome to be Better In. But being queer isn’t that, unless you deny that sin and fix yourself.

And even then, there isn’t community in being In. You’re just In. Not much is actually done about that, especially if church or active HOA isn’t apart of your suburbia anymore. No one treats you with exceptional fondness or friendship just because you’re in, you’re just not the Other. The closest thing to a community you’ll get is your family. The nuclear family. They will be the only one’s who ever truly understand you, that’s why your friends/dates are wrong about them and you, they will always know you better. You can only experience true closestness with family. That’s why family being Estranged is such a big deal, they’ll never be able to replace family. And why you only ever get closeness to a family when you’re married in. There is no other way to form closeness.

And that closeness might not be a whole lot. Especially if you’re the aforementioned queer.

That’s why the vibrant community of being queer looks like paradise. Firsthand I can tell you it’s the first time I felt solidarity with other people.* It’s the first time I would meet people and just click right off the bat. It’s the first time I felt unconditional familial love. So when it’s the first time you’ve felt some real solidarity and love for your queerness, especially right after you’re Out for the first time, ig it does something to you.

That’s why white gay guys cannot fathom being in the wrong. They’re in the Out! We’re all in the Out, thus we’re all the same really. That’s why white queers are most prone to gatekeeping bullshit, there’s still that programmed look for who’s In and Out. And they’re on the lookout for that Out because now they really feel a good community for the first time they’re not gonna let it being ruined, hence why they’re so nasty about it.

But a binary of Out or In doesn’t work in being queer, because it’s so fluid and flexible and means so much. Out and In also isn’t intersectional at all, which is why you get your white feminists incapable of wrapping their head around the idea that being a woman of color adds another nuance to things. There’s no nuance, you’re just In or Out. Everything’s In or Out. And the Out will always be wrong and harmful to you. But white guys are simultaneously Out but also In with the Good Out that truly gets it. So they cling on being In again, and nothing they can do ever throw them Out because they’re already Out. That’s why your white gays can be so exceptional bold with no fat, no femmes, and no asains in their bios. They’re already Out, there isn’t anything beyond Out. (Until there is and it’s usually being trans/bi/aro/ace/whatever exclusionary bullshit is about being gay in the Wrong Way)

*This is the first solitary I felt. Some white people have working class solidarity or even southern solidarity of “damn yankees think us all as stupid when we’re not.” But even then, working class solidarity is more based about what you do vs what you inherently are, so it might feel a bit different.