#happy 11th birthday plastic beach :)

[izzy-g-art]

Happy 11th birthday plastic beach!! Love you loads!!

[lilly-from-the-valley]

Infinite.

Dearest Mate,

I wanted to make this letter for you. Tbh, i’m at lost of the right words to say, but i will say what’s on my mind like i always do. I hope you bear with me and what’s coming because it may be like waves at night. Haha, kidding. Did i scare you?(oh who am i kidding)

The moment you entered my life, it was terrifying to me. I had no idea why would i save your contact number, but i somehow think that i wanted to show you my sides nobody else in class could. I know i’m not as talented in drawing as you are, but i wanted to be included as an artist although i’m far from being one. When you sent me those drawing tips and all, i was actually surprised and backed away. It scared me that you, the one that’s better than me, put yourself out there to help me. I thought, what is he thinking? I feel like you already saw me—a person who’s afraid of criticism and change. But then, when you asked me to help you for that manga contest, i felt somehow welcomed. Like a warm welcome to another story rather than my so-called dEpReSsIoN. And you know what? I’m glad i didn’t even hesitate the offer. When you showed me the online flyer, i was standing very close to you. I felt that welcoming aura. I’m helping people. That’s really new. I was never a volunteer at this part because to me people are just bothersome. The excitement to create a story with a very talented artist really got me. I can still feel it until today.

You keep on amusing me everyday. From the part of your manga drawing, to the part you actually played with the plastic cup on a small puddle that it moved on its own. Honestly, you never stopped amusing me. I was really entertained with that cup. I respected you a lot for making me slightly entertained with stuffs. You must’ve noticed how i keep sitting beside you in classes especially English, i choose to sit beside you rather than anyone else. I never told you about this, but i knew i wanted to always be near you, because i feel at home when i’m close to you. Remember before the presentation on our experiences in English? My hands are shaking at the moment, my feet can’t stop moving and i keep talking to myself. I was aware a few times how you noticed i acted out weirdly while waiting for my name to be called. You even tried to talk to me to help me with the anxiety, which makes me feel the need to get to know you more despite how i embarrassed myself in front of you.

Never ending assignments which led to never ending helps coming from you. That night when i was stressed because nobody was there to help me with the assignment, you offered a hand. It feels like just yesterday. From doing assignments together, to going food hunts at night. I asked you questions that had my curiosity for awhile, but you gladly answered each one of them. By that time I feel so lucky to have you, because i don’t think anybody else have that. If i voiced out what was in my thoughts, they would just leave the questions unanswered or even tell me to stop thinking nonsense. I told you before sem break that it’s been a long time since we had any food hunting at night. I actually missed it atm and looking forward for more in the incoming time ahead of us.

From malls to cafes. From cafes to beaches. Words can’t describe how i feel every time going out with you. I feel unstoppable. I can do whatever i want((just it’s saddening how we always have to end the day because of the last bus)) i almost felt like this mad woman that just got out from prison. I feel free. And you’re there, laughing at how childish i can be, and also there when how immature i acted when you did something that wasn’t going my way. I wish i didn’t have that. That immature part of me had ruined most of our moments—even now. I always wanted an attention from you, that it gets excessive. But what did you do? You take my arm anyway when crossing the busy streets, well, even the streets were almost empty, you didn’t leave me alone. I know i always tell you this whenever we go to my favorite cafes or restaurants, but i feel happy. I don’t know if it’s just me, but i get the feeling that you noticed how it’s hard for me to say that i’m happy. But i won’t lie to you. When we’re at those places, i felt different kind of happy. It’s like a kid’s happiness to go to their favorite playground. The slides were always amusing even if she ride it every time. The swing sends her flying that she can reach the clouds. It never gets old. And she’s with the most precious person on earth. She felt like she didn’t need anybody else and anywhere else to stay. If i could, i wanted to stay in that cafe as long as i could with you. That is the first time i entered coastal store, and few other cafes. The first time for me to go food hunting at night, to watch the sunset at beaches, to stargaze in the amidst of night, to try out some other food places i never tried. You claimed as if it was your first time but little did you know, they were mine too. ((I’m sad that we didn’t get to reach the park that has that big Kuantan mark across the lake. I really was looking forward to see you do parkour))

The moment i opened up. I told you even the deepest, filthiest, and darkest part of me but you never flinched. You are always there, always. If you question why did i trust you so much, i honestly have no answer for that. I just do. I just knew. That i can always rely on you. I never told people, but i told you. It still feels fresh. Waking up to sunset, opening up at that time. Hiding behind you from monkeys. People would say there’s a lot already memories but as for me it wasn’t enough. I still look forward to some more time with you.

I told myself many times how nothing remains. But i can’t resist you. People left me, and those who do are the ones that promised me to stay. I even doubted you when you said you will, stay. It’s like, the earlier me knew that this will happen anyway because of... me. I’m damaged. And damaging. Even if there’s people trying to help me, i will hurt them, act selfish around them. It’s not because of those people. It was me all along. When they were stuck with me, i took away their freedom and gave them mine. I see as my freedom as yours too, but little did i know, with that you’re losing yourself everyday. I’m so naive. All i wanted is to be with you but my situation and my feelings are what conflicted everything. They are always in the way. The worst part of it is that i’m aware of how damaged i am but i still let you touch my thorns and hold it tight to get to see me bloom as a rose closely. Your hands were bleeding along my body because my thorns penetrated all the layers of your skin and almost reached your bones—but you held it firmly that your hands turned lifeless. Instead of being a rose, i should’ve been a tulip around you. If i could turn back time((i know it’s pointless to even think about it)) i wanted to be the safest and the most beautiful flower to you. I know how already broken you are, but i keep ripping you apart because i wanted you to save me from the strong wind from the storm, without thinking about how it will blow you away as well.

I’m holding this birthday card you gave close to me. This card is actually like a Lily of the Valley to me. If you don’t know, it’s a flower. A very pretty one that looks like a really tiny white bell. It holds a meaning of ‘a promise of happiness’. I think that’s what you are. God sent you to me is for me to be happy, despite the loss of a friend and a disappearance of a lover. If i am a pathetic rose, you are the lily of the valley.((The color of the thread tied around the pinky is now purple <\3 :’c))

You embraced my flaws, inside out. I know i asked a lot about that because i’m worried, but at the same time i was a selfish bitch. I was scared to what may happen to me when you are there, always are. You accepted me for who i am, but i keep putting myself first and push you to put me first that you’re losing yourself. I can never forgive myself for doing that to you. The truth is, i’m scared. I’m haunted by the memories, and i can’t make decisions. Not now. Not yet.

You’re my source of happiness. You know how i am always in denial of such feeling? Is because i’m scared. I’m scared to be happy because i know what it’ll cost—it’ll cost you. I told you a lot about that already, but i haven’t tell you this—i’m happy being with you. I feel so free. You’re my sweet escape. I don’t want to stop writing. Because it feels like i’m talking to you. And you know how much i love doing that. I can talk with you and you’re there listening as always.

I will miss your phone calls to wake me up, sharing about my dreams after i read your first text on the day, having you greet me with narrowed eyes, your fingers flipping pen, your old-cat meows, your hands waving around as you tell me stories about your amazing past, your hehahak laughs, your pats on my head, your cartoonish english men voice, especially, your comfort when i’m crying. Writing this out feels like you’re still here, comforting me while my tears weren’t near a stop. And crucially, i miss you. :’)

You always approved my requests. Going there and there, cheer me up, even beyond, you always do. But me...? I wonder if i even approved a request from you. I did that, that it had cost you to request this on me. And i had no other choice. I noticed the red flags after you’re getting better from your sickness, and i tried to do something. But it didn’t work. Because it’s me. There’s danger coming to us but i still am a selfish prick. But i tried. I am sorry. I was watering a wilted flower. It was too late.

The song you sent me on 10th-11th May, i didn’t realize it until last night. I guess i was busy with projects that i even abandoned you. Ugh, i’m the worst :’) i listened to it, and my mind now can’t stop playing that song on loop. I’m sorry i’m just so selfish and helpless, haris.

Regardless of what happened to us, you will always remain somewhere in my heart. I don’t hate you. No, not ever. Yet i’m proud of you. You’re starting to love yourself. You’re braver than you think you are. I wish happiness for you, even if it means to not having me with you :’) ((breaks me)) thank you for all these memories, values you gave, thank you for existing. You will always be that haris-chan to me. That anime guy keep stumbling upon a depressed looking anime girl. With wild adventures, and lots of twists. I wish i don’t have to stop writing, because honestly i don’t want to stop writing to you. I keep feeling your presence while doing it. Feels like by now you’re typing out your response to my blabbering texts. Sending me lots of love and hearts. ifeellikeicantdothis :’)

I’m sorry again. For everything i’ve done. You probably would hate to hear this, but i love you so much, my soulmate, and my best friend. You filled in my emptiness and showered me with so much love.

And my poem for you;

You kissed the void for me.

P/s:((whatever that is))

The mail is too long? Well, this is the first time for me writing this long. Like i said, i feel like i couldnt stop writing to you.

Shsuaiihh i cant close this hdjdjsksksk i have so many conclusions already aaasgh my english teachers wouldve died

P/s:(whatever that is) i’m struggling with the past and present tense is because it doesn’t feel like they are in the past. They all feel so fresh to me.

Take care.

Love, Illia.