#happy bpd awareness month witness me

[swearyshera]

I’m sorry what??? You have a furry ex who (tried to?) committed murder?! Alice you can’t just share things like that and not give us the full story

Oh, there is the most batshit crazy story behind it. I'll stick it under the cut because it has next to nothing to do with the blog (other than to provide partial explanation as to why I'm like this). Cw for murder and horrifying sexual acts.

I'll also say, just before I start, that some of you may be aware of this - may even be aware of my involvement - so I'd ask you not to talk about me in relation to it too much. I've changed a few things about myself (including my name) to try and ensure a clean break from it, but I'm happy to talk about it still.

So... Cast your mind back to autumn 2008. At that time, a sprightly young 20-year-old me met a 19-year-old guy that we will call Steve (that's not his real name). Now, being woefully naïve and having at-the-time undiagnosed BPD, I was the sort of person who would fall deeply in love with anyone who showed me the slightest bit of kindness, and Steve did. He seemed caring, had a wild sense of humour, and genuinely appeared to love me back.

And what that did to me was that it made me ignore an entire truckload of red flags. His house was one level above a squat, bare floorboards and windows, no heating ("We can just snuggle under a blanket and share body heat") and I'm pretty sure he spent more money on beer and DVDs than he did on food. But I didn't seem to give a shit, those rose-tinted glasses were stuck firmly on, so I just ignored that stuff. There was worse, too, things that I felt a little uncomfortable with at the time and only realised years later were... well, let's just say I'd implore everyone to be able to identify what consent does and doesn't look like, because it's not always clear when you don't know for sure.

Anyhow, we'd been together about 4 or 5 months. He spent Christmas with me because he had no family to go to, I visited his house, played the "slightly bemused partner at the furry meet-up" role a couple of times, and things (at least to me) seemed to be great. Then one weekend in February, he mentioned that he was going to see some friends - absolutely fine by me, he did that fairly often and I didn't think anything of it. I texted him in the evening asking him how his day was, and he replied "Had a good day, but didn't go meet them".

That was the last message I got.

I didn't hear from him for the rest of the evening. Or the day after. Or the day after that. I got worried, because it wasn't like him to go silent - he wasn't even online on MSN (2000s reference!). And then I got a message from his aunty asking if I'd heard from him - that rang alarm bells. I reached out to a few of the people he knew, and no-one had heard a thing.

He'd been 'missing' for about a week and a half when I got another message from his aunty. She asked me if I knew a guy called Craig (again, not his real name), and I didn't. Then she asked me something that I can still remember verbatim to this day, she said "Do you have a loving family? You're going to need them, I'm sorry." and sent me a link to a news article. I clicked through to find a story in a local newspaper about two men being held for attempted murder. One of them was Steve.

The next few months flashed by as I found my belief about who he was completely trashed and flipped upside down. I discovered he'd been seeing multiple people behind my back, including this Craig guy, and I tried to find out what had happened, and what eventually came out was a completely other life that I didn't know about. I spoke to the Police about him, and was expecting to speak as a witness at the trial (in the end, thankfully, I did not have to do that). But the reality of what happened was fucking wild.

Steve and Craig had developed some weird-ass master/pet relationship, which led to 'role play' about killing Craig's parents. Craig felt that they were controlling and he'd only get peace if they were gone. In the trial, Steve testified that he thought it was not serious, although if that was the case, why did you fucking do it. On the night he sent the last message to me, he had been at Craig's house, made a show of saying goodbye to him and his parents, then waited in a nearby park. He played a game on his PSP to pass the time.

Later in the evening, once his parents had gone to bed, Craig texted Steve to invite him back in. Once he'd arrived, he was handed a knife and told to go upstairs and stab them which for some fucking reason he agreed to. Now Craig's dad was thankfully on the ball and wasn't quite asleep, and he fought off Steve and wrestled the knife from him, before restraining him and calling the police. Initially, Craig was thought to be an innocent bystander, but he was soon arrested too. Steve was charged with attempted murder and conspiracy to murder, Craig with conspiracy, and in court, both were convicted of conspiracy to murder (but cleared of the attempted murder charge).

If you think it doesn't get more fucked-up than that, boy, do I have a surprise for you. Imagine someone's asked you to commit murder - you'd want something in return, right? And indeed, Craig did offer Steve something. What, you ask? Money? A means of escape? Nope! For successfully killing Craig's parents, Steve would have the opportunity to bite off Craig's dick. I am not joking. If he stabbed some middle-aged people, he would get a fucking sausage sandwich.

So yeah... that's what happened. My life has been an absolute soap opera (although honestly, this seems a bit far-fetched even for that - but I swear to you, every word of it is true).

[queerafterthought]

Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs