#havent been able to take a shower or clean my room bc im so mentally unwell

[tboyblogger]

sorry for this bedriddencore loser rotboy post but 😔😔😔

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hi.

it’s been a while.

my day...was long. mentally.

I think starting from last night I was starting to compare myself a lot to others. When P. Josh tell the Columbia kids that Jeff would be picking us up, Angela replied that she knew bc Jeff texted her and I felt salty. Why didnt he text me? He has my number and I think we’re on pretty good terms so why just her? And when P. Josh was assigning roles, why was he vague about what I should do while other newcomers got specific roles? I guess Angela and Jason and PJ have already started building a relationship so that makes sense but Johnathan and Christine were asked to lead the life group too and I get it now bc they need guidance and Johnathan is definitely spiritually mature but I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t good enough or doing enough. I later thought about it in the shower and tried to remember that my self worth is not defined by these things. And plus, maybe it’s a sign or maybe P. Josh doesn’t think I’m ready to take on those tasks yet. Angela mentioned how she would be leading life groups next year for downtown and I’m worried bc she can be pretty judgmental. As bad as Moon-hee and I really want our LG to be a community where anyone can feel free to come and not be judged for our sins or mistakes. And I’m sure that she’s going to antagonize those sins and make people feel bad about them as a result. But I’m hoping that I can bring her judgmental qualities to light and help her realize that and grow from it and really strive for a place of acceptance and love. But overall, the MAST meeting went well and I am excited to work with them. I don’t totally trust them all yet but I am hoping to share life together and grow on a deeper level with them all.

But yeah, today. Today started out pretty nice and bonded over Hyde Park with Jeff on our way to church and he was kind enough to buy us all Starbucks this morning and I got a flat white which was actually pretty good. Not too sweet, not too bitter. Somewhere in between. But service went well at first and I was able to pray and lift up my hands and I no longer feel shame for praying aloud during worship or lifting my hands or getting on my knees. I’m just living out my faith and my life. But once the sermon hit... I don’t know why but I started thinking about my own pride since i do think about when people spite me and feel jealous towards me bc of how hard i work and how much i succeed in certain feels and how i have this facade of perfection when in reality, im so far from that. but i just started spiraling in my thinking and i tried to keep up with my notes but I couldn’t help but get darker and darker with my thoughts and they were very graphic this time. i thought about how i would kill myself. at first i thought of shooting my brains our but i what if dont get a clean shot and i somehow survive. i could jump off a building but what if i live. if im going to kill myself, i dont want there to be any possibility that i’ll survive. so then i saw a noose. and i imagined myself going up to the graffiti room into one of the small rooms and tying the noose and pulling on it to make the sure the hole would tighten would close in around my neck. and then i widen it again and put my head through it and im sure i would struggle but i would eventually go limp from suffocation and snapping my neck and i would definitely be dead then. but i realized that im afraid of:

1. sacrificing myself for God’s Kingdom but having a part of me that is suicidal and not making it to Heaven as a result

2. doing well in my life mentally but suddenly reverting one day into an extreme point and take my own life

and even though i prayed about this earlier and felt peace w/ God, it still happened and I can’t not think about it. But I did talk about it with Andrew via Skype while on the verge of tears so I’m happy that I typed it bc I didn’t want my roommate to hear me say anything so that he wouldn’t hear me in tears. And he definitely provided me with some good advice and I felt better after that. He basically encouraged me to just take the time to get to know myself and see my own personal growth and assess myself and I think that’s very true. A lot has happened recently and sometimes I feel like people are starting to tune me out bc theres just so much happening and I feel bad for telling them everything. but i do think a lot has been happening and while ive been processing everything one by one, i havent really looked at how everything has affected me as a whole. and how ive grown as a result. and i think it is important to do that. sometimes i catch myself saying that im a certain way and realize that im not like that anymore and have grown past that. and i do think i need to start spending time with myself alone in thought and really reflect on everything thats happened and how it has affected me today.

and i am really glad that we got to talk but i still cant help but think those things. in the shower i thought about my sister killing herself bc i was too harsh with my words and blaming myself for her choice. but i quickly tried to escape that thought and just remember that thats me overthinking a problem that could maybe happen in the future but isnt happening now so why waste time beating myself over it? but just now too while I was typing, I thought again about killing myself and I wouldn’t tell anyone about it bc it would just be me ceasing to exist. I would buy the rope from artist and craftsman, go home, and set everything up and i imagined a scenario where i go up to the graffiti room but there are no hooks and i want to complain and tell someone about it but if i tell anyone, theyll know im going to commit suicide and try to stop me so then i would just feel conflicted and probably just post it on my journal. And maybe somehow one of the people I’ve shared this blog with will read that particular post and do something about it but that wouldnt be my goal. it would just to have an outlet to vent to before i find a different venue. 

but yeah. im feeling better now and im talking to david and andrew via skype now. i did think about asking andrew how he would go about killing himself and i think we would both do it very secretly and lowkey. but i didnt want us to both fall back into our dark thoughts so i didnt ask. but then i wanted to ask how he would actually react if i killed myself but didnt ask for the same reason. i dont think he would kill himself if i did. i think i mean a lot to him but not that much and i wouldnt want him to kill himself bc i did anyway. i think he would be affected but im honestly not sure how drastically. i wonder how i would react if he killed himself too. my whole world would definitely rock and i think i would be in constant mourning for at least a few weeks and really have to fight hard to overcome it and not just take my own life as well. i know he wouldnt want that. 

welp, imma keep talking to them. until next time, journal.