#he's not a sphynx but i just think he looks funnier if i use it as a ref | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hgfstreamchats · 5 years

Text

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Hello! Hello there! Has it started? I'm not getting a picture Kast, just once. Just. ONCE. Let me try leaving and coming back Kast, really... I despise Kast a little more every week. It is working hard to cement its place as the worst. Oh, there you are! And there it is! Had to reload. Aha! Can't start streaming until we solve the Kast Sphynx's Weekly Riddle. Right? If it were easy, then surely it would not be worth the doing. They are preparing for rain. That's how we prepare for rain. Complete with song. I prefer to skip the song for obvious reasons. Wow, six whole dollars I prefer ours to their version. It has numerous allusions to optics being burned out. Oh dear. So--this takes place before the christmas one, right? Possibly? Is there a whole series of Grinch movies? Probably? A Grinch multiverse?

I hate him already. That poor dog. Is that dog's thoughts singing at us? ...Actually I think it is Dear Unicron. And the grinch can read his mind? Purely for the sake of emotionally abusing him. I feel sorrier for the dog than for all the Whos put together. Likewise. ...So THAT'S what that's from! That flower was probably sentient. We can only hope. Ha, ha. Well, he's very dead. I feel that the Grinch is not the problem with this night. This night is full of problems and he's the least severe of them. Oh, an idiot. Ha. Burn. Well, that...annoyed everyone for about 15 seconds? As haunted eyebrows do. Truly villainous. I guess the wind's died down at least ...Well, Euchariah, that's certainly one way to slow down the Grinch! Oh my god That sure did happen He saves the town but no one ever talks about how. As well they mightn't. Why does his cart thing do that So he slips the child a hallucinagen. The jump cuts imply there's some kind of a Jaunt situation going on and that's the most horrifying part. Mmmmaybe? In all credit I would have long since turned the ground into a euphemism. Then he destroys the town out of spite. Is there some reason he CAN'T? Or at the very least, stabs Euchariah. Good for him! All he wanted to do was torment the citizens. And now he has no dog. He should do it anyway. It'll pack more of a punch because they won't be expecting it. He was abusing that dog, he doesn't deserve him This is why it is imprudent to let wind decide when one comes to destroy town. Starting off on an ambitious note, aren't we? It's such frightening shuffling noises. Eugh Lovely. Yes, we get it, you're proud of your props Great, keep focusing on that. Soak it in. Hah! Whose call was it to bring him? What a delightful conversationalist. "Absolutely!" When has picking up a hitchhiker ever worked out for anyone? Did the sound just cut out? Oh, there it is "Spare no detail." Man, picking him up was a GREAT choice. These two are clearly meant for each other. I bet this isn't some kind of foreshadowing. . . . . Now he has a knife. "And THAT, kids, is how I met your father." Ha! What a great sign Do not have dinner with them. The dinner is people. The dinner can't be anything but people. Even if this wasn't a movie about murderers, it would be unwise to eat with him. Clearly Best case scenario, everyone comes down with hepatitis. Jesus. He is having a day. You're going to want to rinse that out with fire. They sell barbecue and tetanus shots, happily enough. How can it be made any clearer that this is a terrible place to be? Maybe abandon this one here too. See? Someone's smitten. Hah! "Do you think that hitchhiker ever sticks needles in himself?" Oh my Unicron, I was *kidding.* You should know better. Never kid. The Blair witch is in there somewhere. And even she's looking for places elsewhere. This is all just such a great idea This is one long sensible decision. What likable meat sacks. Now, how can this possibly end in any way other than well? what a great thing to find. Really, dude Let's not run from any of this. This was so avoidable The road to this was lined with red flags and you blew past every one of them. What house doesn't have a bone and chicken room? Y...yeah. More sitting and not running! Excellent plan! She has to show us all the lovely props. The Texas Chainsaw Props, Props, Props. The only thing massacred was the props budget. Hah! He should not be running that inside. That's how one asphixiates. Safety first! "D...Did you really?~" "and two of us have been murdered by a maniac already" To be fair, I think a chainsaw is the appropriate way to deal with tresspassers. It keeps happening. An actual meat cooler. That's more sanitary than I expected. That's the face of someone who really doesn't know how teenagers keep getting into his house. He's not even a serial killer, he just keeps panicking. Yes, run towards the light. Surely the person chasing you does not live in this remote location. And be sure to scream the whole way, just so he can't lose track of you over the roar of his chainsaw. It's not as if it's a dark night, and he has no flashlight to search the woods with. Ugh Whoops, almost slipped away quietly there! He's awfully sprightly for a hulking human wearing a mask and wielding a chainsaw. He's been working out. Oh, she's never going to be alright. Yyyyeah. ..... His claim is suspicious Oh, I'm a terrible mech for laughing. But it's hilarious. Smack smack smack. Gentle broom swatting, like she were an unruly cat. Smackity smack, get in the sack! The sack that doesn't even cover her properly. He just keeps poking her. And I keep laughing! Swat him with the broom! For the love of the Allspark, just take the broom to every character in this movie. It would make this a lot more interesting. They are also inviting her to escape, but not just killing her now. More pokes. Texas Broomhandle Pokings. They even show displeasure the same way. Truly ships passing in the night. "Take it easy, we're just going to force-feed you your friends, probably" "With more broomhandle poking to follow." It's so sloppy. And potentially a waste of meat. Oh god ...Oh, apparently they really cut her in that scene! Lovely! Euuuugh Grandpa is loving it. Good day for grandpa. What a lovely family. It's a comedy of failures. Every time he misses, this gets a little funnier. The screaming took all night long. They could have driven away. ...Why did they get out instead of driving away Excellent question. Think of all the expensive therapy she'll need. That... sure was a thing I hear it is a classic. It was certainly was something. I also hear that some of the sequels are ridiculously stupid. Any idea of which one is the stupidest? Ah, give me a moment. Texas chainsaw three. Three it is! Apparently so bad, the actors petitioned to keep it from ever being released. I like the sound of that! "Their friends. who have no names, or families." Ugh. Charming. Ah, I was mistaken. Texas Chainsaw 4 is even dumber. Onto 4, then! It involves the prom. Always with the prom. Can it be a bad horror franchise without the prom? Oh christ Pity he isn't going to be chainsawed. A tragedy. Does HE at least die? I hope so. I hope his organs end up on the ground. Who *Are* these people? Are we *supposed* to be invested in their survival? I don't think we are. We cannot be meant to care about them. Who needs a flashlight in the incredibly well lit woods? Probably just... the wind. Is she related to Boltgun Wheelsaround from the first movie? that sure was necessary . . . It's like a fever dream. Nothing makes much sense. ugh He could try not running directly down the road. Nothing about this makes any kind of sense. Is this even Texas? Does it make a difference? It would be one more wrong thing to add to the pile. Didn't these movies used to have chainsaws in them? Now it's just plastic bags. How ever will she see with those flood lights in the background? This couldn't have less to do with Texas, chainsaws, or massacres. They did remember to have the screaming though. Ugh "Now you stay put!" A freezer lock would not go amiss. What is the wager that there won't be a single chainsaw in this? Apparently they didn't feel the need for them. The dumbest humans who ever lived. She sounds vaguely annoyed. And that's it. There's one! Finally! When we've got a whole... one person left to possibly massacre with it. The fool, he cut their cable line. Now what will they watch in the evenings? Did he even stop to consider that? This is only half over? It just keeps happening. Oh joy. Also, it is going to get stupider. Less fun than the broom. Bring back the broom! Stick poking, 2.0 This is dreadful and not nearly enough chainsaws. You're not wrong. I don't think this has any redeemable qualities It's the Illuminati. How does this keep getting worse? There may have been a mountain of cocaine involved in the making of this. Also, one day you will learn not to ask me for terrible sequels. I'll learn nothing. Then this will keep happening. It's the way of things. I find myself missing the grandpa who couldn't hold a hammer. He at least was quiet. Ah, quiet. I remember quiet. Ah, but there will be no quiet. Never again. Grandpa is escaping. Ah good. It's those Illuminati they talked about. I feel like *I've* been struck several times in the head with a hammer. And yet it is note done yet. Getting closer Horror. The only sympathetic victim here is us. Why is a remote leg battle a plot relevant thing? Not that I subscribe or much care for human gender norms, but did they ever...explain why Leatherface is wearing a wig and a dress? He wanted to be pretty today. Ah! Well, that's one mystery solved! So many, many more to go. Oh. My. Unicron. I was hoping it would inexplicably explode. It *is* a rather nice dress on him. . . . . It is the only nice thing in the whole of this film. What. I would have rather watched Leatherface try on outfits for an hour and a half. Oh look. The girl from the first movie. What a lovely little nonsensical note to end on. Oh, thank the Core. Not before time, either Wrong link. Curious. No, this looks good ... Pay no mind to the song Breakdown and I may or may not have fragged to. Is this an SNL sketch "Foot" It isn't! I find it more repugnant than the chicken and bone room. What did we ever do to you Five long minutes listening to this song. What felt like five long years watching that sequel. Ha! True. Though you did not bail on it, like you did Book of Shadows. It's true. It didn't break me like Book of Shadows. I don't think bacon bits belong in a drink. I agree. Agreed. Well, unless someone's got something that begs to be shared, that about concludes it! I think we have suffered my suggestions enough. I've got nothing Are you planning on streaming on Halloween? The night before! Good to know! I've got something good lined up. Ah, excellent! I shall attempt to attend! Though another commitment may make me too late. Not to worry if it does! I'm looking at that "good" very suspiciously. In the meantime, good night and thank you for coming! Goodnight, and thanks for hosting! Good night, and thank you for streaming this nonsense once again! Always!

0 notes