#heck yeah pigeon runs the government

[pirirps]

mythbusters starters: season 5

i guess the moral of this story is, don’t paint your airship with rocket fuel.

this ingredient is made of blur. and this ingredient has some blur in it too. this is very dangerous. don’t mix blur with blur.

that took almost ten times longer than the hindenburg took to burn. the entire hindenburg.

if you’re getting chased by a crocodile, you can easily escape them by running in a zigzag pattern, because they can not turn corners.

they’re fishnet stockings.

oh no, they’ve got feathers on them still!

megadope!!!

duuuuudearonomy!

is everybody okay?

oh noooo! the crocodiiiiiilleee!!!

this should solve the mystery once and for all.

you want three zeppelins in a day? we’ll give you three zeppelins in a day.

these things are always catchin’ on fire!

and that, kids, is the textbook definition of “irony”.

next up on discovery: the world’s deadliest piñata!

why are they hissing?

i’ve been watching a lot of professional wrestling on television, so i’ve learned a lot of wrestling moves, and i’m gonna test them out on this crocodile.

there’s only one thing left: plan c. and that’s c for “crazy”.

that’s crocodiles… but what about ALLIGATORS?

this thing is going to buuuuuurrrrnnn.

if you’re driving around with a truck full of birds, and the birds take flight, will your truck get lighter?

the birds will be too fat to fly!

____’s pain threshold is way lower than a pigeon’s.

is that photoshop?

oka [voice cracks] ay.

the only evidence they have is this photo and accompanying reports.

his ocd kicks in– that’s “obsessive crash disorder”.

ooooohh, five bucks?

[smashing things with a sledgehammer] i am! so! sick! of! _________!

bueno! that’s spanish for “good”.

i’m gonna do my pole dance.

just had to mention the weather, didn’t you?

_______ makes it look so easy when he does it!

team unity is the first casualty.

seeing as ______ and ______ are rejecting each other’s reality and substituting their own, this argument is going nowhere.

i guess it didn’t happen exactly the way it was reported.

i wanna see some carnage.

okay, escape plan: same as last time.

i’m givin’ up.

i think it’s gonna be a web-shooter.

i’m ready. [covers crotch with hands] yeah, i’m ready.

see what happens when we pull this string.

with thoughts of unemployment crowding his mind, how could he fail?

is he saying “red rum”?!

no, my dog voice doesn’t work.

look into my eyes… deeper… you will fall into a deep, deep sleep!

exactly! except we won’t kill people.

can i be hypnotized to do something against my will?

i know he’s not that good an actor.

just because we can’t do it doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

i don’t like the idea of this.

this is trickery.

the only way that any of that would’ve made sense is if music started playing and he started taking his clothes off.

this is the burrito.

that’s high explosives, huh? it looks more like a taco.

you’re gonna shoot my hat off?

i’m gonna shoot your hat off.

oh, can we break out of jail? i’ve always wanted to do that!

yippee-ki-yay!

when they made _____, they broke the mold.

so this is what you were expecting all along, and you were just gonna watch us bumble around with this?

just imagine what i could do with steel-toed boots.

i’m sick of being the guy that throws up on camera.

i’m afraid of commitment and i don’t think that’s gonna change.

you’ll know it works because i’ll come back with, like, purple eyes.

spin me, baby.

come on! i wanna see you blow chunks!

attaboy!

i just can’t stand those things. they freak me out.

that 100% sucks.

i didn’t want to listen to you going “dude, it’s totally okay. dude, it’s totally okay. dude, it’s totally o–”

the fake blood department would have its hands full.

i’m tired of being the ______ guinea pig.

you know when you haven’t eaten for a while, and you’re just throwing up bile? yeah. this is just bile.

never leave your position, _____!

boys will be boys.

well, actually, i heard this one about this guy, and he had a jet pack?

why does it smell like this? what did he keep in here?

all in the name of science, of course.

y’know, something tells me that this is, maybe, not the best of the options.

if you’re thinking that a refrigerator is going to contain a grenade, you’re dead wrong.

we’re what you’d call “experts”.

you can jump around, make cat noises, do karate chops, all kinds of adolescent behavior like we know you love to do.

what makes you think i have a ninja costume?

well, maybe we should start by finding a real ninja.

i’m hoping _____ won’t get hurt too bad. a little bit is good.

jimmy choo can rest easy.

decapitation hazard, everybody!

people say i’m not that quick.

[trying to sword fight with a measuring tape]

[clapping] yaaaaaaayy!

not many people know this, but ______ comes from an ancient line of nine generations of shoe-tiers.

come, silent walrus! let us storm the castle! i will don my safety gear!

the important thing is that i look damn good.

______ were not at all above trying to encourage the belief in their supernatural powers.

they wanted people to fear their magical powers.

do it like your life depends on it.

thanks for that motivation, ______.

don’t think of it as a competition… but it is.

a ninja must go to the bathroom before he swings his sword.

he hasn’t looked this incensed since star trek was cancelled.

this thing’s starting to look like a monster. pretty soon you’re not even gonna recognize it.

everybody knows being caught on the rebound doesn’t count.

he stopped it with his head.

hai! ikimashou! – that’s “let’s go” in japanese.

whoo! if i had any dignity, that would have been humiliating.

i’m stealthy as the night.

don’t i look like silent death, bringing justice in the night?

so i notice you have all your fingers.

wow, you have a lot of confidence in her. more than we do.

so you mean all those ninja movies were not true?

it’s water. it’s… got something else in it. but. it’s water.

there’s nothing _______ would rather do than play in a giant tub of goo.

ohh, that’s so funky! ooooohhh, duuuude, that feels so wrong!

come on in, the water’s great!

is that legal in baseball?

it’s ever so slightly totally illegal.

something’s gonna go somewhere it shouldn’t, we’re gonna have mayhem one way or another, but– what the heck, it’s all in the name of science, right?

it’s a brand new, high-speed, intricate rig with multiple moving parts. seriously, what are the chances that it’s going to work the first time?

[cupping hands over mouth to make walkie talkie noises] one small step for man… one giant leap for mankind.

aaaaand the bat is still there.

swing like you’re pissed off.

do you watch ANY sporting events?

yeah, i watch sports. i watch robot combat.

how ‘bout humid balls?

there’s actually a lot more to baseball than you might think.

great. because there’s nothing we’re better at than organized sports, right?

HEY batta batta batta, SWING batta batta batta, SWING!

is it a bird? is it a plane?

it’s fight club– superhero style.

no one can run at the speed of light, no one can spin webs, and no one turns green when they get angry and has super-strength.

if we’re gonna do this in true superhero fashion, i think you all need to put your underwear on the outside of your pants.

it’s a key component on the belt of… nocturnal echolocating flying mammal man.

in a never-ending fight against crime, superheroes often have to leap tall buildings.

we’re gonna have to do this one for real, man. we can’t fake it this time.

it’s a little bigger than batman’s.

i’m not in really great shape like batman is, but, you know, i’m gonna try.

that’ll feed my family for a month!

you all set, batman?

i’m all set, boy wonder!

i don’t remember batman having this much trouble.

ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new superhero on the block.

if you guys don’t mind, i’m just gonna lie here for a little while.

superheroes big and small are getting put to the test.

he’s that guy who could punch people so hard he left a scar in the shape of the skull on his ring.

if we can’t punch each other, who are we gonna punch?

as we know, ____ was raised by robots.

i need these two in adamantium, and these two in kryptonite.

his name is porkloinio. he’s an evil… pig… man.

our comic book criminal is down for the count.

you know, i can’t me _____man all the time. sometimes… i just have to be _____.

batman probably didn’t get it on his first try, either.

let’s go be batman.

what’s in the bag?

i like how she does the little hair flip.

holy awesomeness, _____!

this is gonna be the coolest batmobile ever!!!

holy air-cannon, _____!

this is actually the most dangerous thing i’ve built in a long line of dangerous things.

oh! newton’s laws! we forgot newton’s laws!

who says superheroes don’t bleed?

it’s not good for the image to be seen taking the elevator.

while it may look like an abandoned aircraft hangar, it is, in fact, a super-modern superhero training facility.

god, i hate these things. gimme a ladder any day of the week!

yeah, i still have to come up with a name for this thing. i’m thinking… “nocturnal echolocating flying mammal man’s cable shooter”.

this is all a little frightening.

this is definitely harder concrete than anything i’ve ever seen before.

curses! foiled again!

NOW LET’S GET OUT AND FIGHT SOME CRIME!!!

what is it with you and these robots?

i call the gun!

well, that’s gonna suck.

i can’t believe this is my job.

right, so here’s your motivation: you’ve just robbed a bank and you want to get away.

you know, this is my first surgery ever, aaaaaand– i feel like it went pretty well. i didn’t even go to med school, either.

i feel so sci-fi!

it’s probably gonna explode and she’s gonna lose her arm. i can’t wait to see that.

look, i think we’re already on enough government watch lists. let’s watch this one go.

that doesn’t seem very… logical.

now that’s an enterprising idea.

the ninja is making a comeback.

we killed the ninja!

yeah, but the law in the us and the uk is different.

where are we gonna get a car that can go 200 miles per hour?

this thing is beautiful. i think i’m gonna cry.

where’s the satellite radio? where’s the cup-holder? this is very primitive.

that’s on purpose. that’s what’s supposed to happen.

it’s really only demonstrable through telling a story.

the police are coming, so let’s wrap up and get out of here.

can i fire this one? can i? can i? can i? do you mind? do you mind? is it alright? 

you’re a freak!

now all we need is a 40-AA bra.

a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

i can’t look.

i just don’t know if these express me. i think i might want a different color.

is this as disturbing as i think it is?

it’s even more disturbing than you think it is.

[tosses bra on your face]

you need some help, big guy?

you didn’t take off your shirt, did you?

what are you, nuts?

it’s kinda dark in here. maybe we should light a fire.

it’s a bad idea to cross the streams.

he’s going through a rebellious phase and wanted to upset his mom.

ugh, it’s like you’re a mind-reader or something!

you pushed me out of the way, what the hell was that?!

i was giving you more of a challenge!

i like to live my life halfway like an action hero and halfway like a cartoon character.

[racecar noises]

i remember it like it was only yesterday…

i figure if you wanna get out of a ticket, short skirts and crying is still the way to go.

________ only works if the officer is human.

once the bumper goes back on, it’ll be fine, no one will know. … until they crash.

one car. almost two miles of runway. no speed limit. it’s just another day in ________ paradise.

i’m gonna have a fire suit on, a helmet, the whole nine yards. just in case i crash. and burn. and stuff like that.

ah, _____. ever the optimist.

based solely on my own intuition and on now practical experience whatsoever, i estimate that we can get this car up to 100 miles per hour.

let’s see ______ bat his baby blues now!

we’ve caught you red-handed!

i dunno, old man, maybe you just don’t have what it takes.

nitroglycerin? that’s explosive!

i mean, we break everything we touch.

when you say “we”, you mean “you”.

it’s going to be… potentially… the most lethal thing i’ve ever built.

this thing, if it works, will definitely kill you.

it’s like frankenstein’s laboratory.

well, y’know, normally the paddles don’t have serrated edges, but this is a homemade defibrillator.

think we could go get first place in the science fair?

this doesn’t look dangerous enough. you think we should go get some buckets of water to stand in? or turn on the sprinkler system?

just put your safety glasses on.

she made it!

yeah, i’m sure my mom will watch this later and she’ll be like, “augh! not again!”

it’s open season on speedsters.

you know what? i’ll save you some time. it’s probably illegal.

i’ll eat my hat if this is legal in even one state.

it’s enough to make your hair stand on end!

want an umbrella?

that seems reeeeeeeeeally reeeeeally really dangerous.

lots of water? large amounts of electricity? i don’t see a danger in that at all.

i… didn’t think it was gonna hurt me. i thought i had that one under control.

can someone unwrap me?

turn off the camera and help me get out of this thing!

i love being wrong.

you did very good, sweetie.

well, i’m pretty sure no one is going to sell us nitroglycerin.

can i drive the car?

all that’s left now is to gently break _____’s heart.

i’ve got a little somethin’-somethin’.

nice work, speedy gonzalez.

we’ll be checking in often.

weren’t you a bugler in the civil war?

trust ____ to turn a trombone into an instrument of torture.

why don’t we let the narrator explain?

nag, nag, nag.

you’d think we would learn.

it’ll toast your waffles to almost 3000 degrees.

it’s in the danger zone.

excellent! danger!

[smashing things with hammers] ABANGADABANGADABANGADA–

did you see the death star when it went out? i want an explosion like that.

_____’s mug is looking smug.

i bet you’re wondering why i’m standing here holding a plunger.

it gets me all steamed up just thinking about it.

_____’s going to be playing cowboy.

okay, so, the ranch actually has a psychic horse.

god, this seems like a really stupid idea.

deedoo! deedoo! deedoo! fashion police!

do you feel any heat? in your pants, i mean.

our patient is sick.

jim morrison, eat your heart out!

there’s no way of doing this without looking creepy right now.

he’s a genius… a demented genius!

are we gonna have to amputate his legs?

badabing, badaboom.

welcome to the ______ clubhouse!

tight jeans look very foxy.

this kind of stress on a regular basis can’t be good.

it just goes to show, there’s danger everywhere.

did you know what was lurking in your basement?

do either of you want my jeans that were dragged through horse manure?

gee, that sounds like fun!

i’m gonna go talk to him, find out what he knows.

have i ever told you that i sing in _____’s band twice a month?

he was voted in germany the sexiest tv star alive, second only to david hasselhoff.

i was a small wookiee in star wars episode 3.

no you weren’t, because i would have seen you, because i was also a small wookie in star wars episode 3!

i haven’t been this excited since my last cage match!

we have a few friends in law enforcement.

you ever get the feeling people are watching us work?

zis… it may look like simple clockwork, but… i seenk of it as a map of ze most complex clockwork art, like ze planets. it is not a planetary gear, but i seenk of it as a planetary gear because each thing, like a planet, moves in its place and goes where it should. it is not only a map of ze planets, it is also a map of ze atom! in zis vay, the microcosm is the macrocosm! and phylogeny recapitulates ontology!

that is so creepy!

i feel a total kinship with the guys who made this thing.

it put a dent in a quarter inch of steel.

i’m very pleased. and terrified.

our criminal mastermind has the details.

oh, this sucks. this went from fun to not fun.

is your first name salvatori?

i got the third degree.

my happy-slash-erotic thoughts are puppies licking my face and scantily clad women.

i don’t like people asking me unexpected questions like that. i’ve seen montel. i know how they get people.

_____ and _____ are involved in a steamy affair.

it’s a ballsy plan.

what can i say? i’m not cut out for crime.

i didn’t bring me bikini. did you bring yours?

[driving right past the building] we are looking for… the _____…

that sucks. that sucks!

have you ever ridden on the bus long distance before?

i don’t wanna take this test. can i opt to not take this test?

i think he’s dead.

it’s shiny. it looked like a fun thing to take.

well, looks like we get to take that cross-country trip you’ve been talking about.

i might forgive you, but not for the next two days.

now drop and give me twenty.

c'mon, c'mon, we need to come up with something!

so in all of your eclectic careers, have you ever gone and gotten a pilot’s license?

this is all alien to me.

why’s it telling me not to think?

unfortunately, i died. and all of my passengers and my crew died with me.

hey, it’s like we’re stormchasers!

that’s a bird, dude.

so that’s what they look like inside…

[addressing the beeping computer] what? what? i don’t know what to do?

i– i– i– crashed. i crashed. i landed in some farmland about ten miles out of denver.

adios amigo!

OH SSSSSHHHUCKS!!!

we’re doing point blank! can’t you tell? i’m keanu reeeves!

i have a feeling this will probably be a new high in terrifying moments in my life. 

what are we, like, ten?

[UNINTELLIGIBLE HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

I’M ALIIIVEEE!!! I’M AAAALLLIIIIIIIVVVEEE!!!

so get this–

ever since people invented planes, they’ve been wanting to throw themselves out of them.

we’re gonna go to some hot night clubs.

i just gotta remember to breathe, not shit my pants, not pass out, and not scream like a little girl.

______, i’m frightened!

what kind of special treat do you have for me today?

for your sake, i hope so! [maniacal laughter]

are you gonna stay in-character this entire time?

when it comes to magnets, i’m your guy.

it looks like a watch, but it’s not.

it’s really good that we get this chance to bond.

it’s a classic james bond maneuver.

in the words of dr. no: “we never fail, mr. bond.”

i’m sick of these monkey suits.

moneypenny never packed a piece like this!

it’s best not to anger ______ when he’s got a steel girder in his hands.

well, i’m just gonna go for this and hope for the best.

i’m gonna be rc-ing this boat. and then maybe i’ll let _____ sit in it and then let it go out of control.

allow me to demonstrate with secret agent yarn.

anyone else feeling like an evil genius?

today, propane tanks. tomorrow– world domination!

you’ve had your last martini, _______!

as many times as we do this, i don’t get used to how much fun it is.

i mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

let’s go get a couple of martinis.

have you lost your damn mind?

cowabunga! let’s rip it up!

i am ready to rip it and– shred some– some stuff. did i say that right?

is it really impossible to fly a lead balloon?

yup, the insurance doesn’t cover that.

robot! i knew it!

ready to hang ten?

how’s he gonna hang ten? he’s got no feet.

you look nervous.

yeah, spank that water!

is it just me, or is he trying to clone himself and make a little army?

the ingeniously named "step 2" is complete.

i still want more... balloon-ness.

if someone says it’s impossible, we just take it as a challenge!

the kids can’t help but destroy their creation.