#hendrocavscal

[littlefreya]

I have never talked about this, its a long story but i hope you will read it ❤Quite a while ago, I was dating this guy for 2 and a half years. It was my first 'long term relationship' and if I'm honest, I only got into the relationship because I was extremely lonely and depressed. A lot of abuse happened in this relationship, most of it subtle until one day it became more serious. He filmed us having sex without my knowledge or consent and showed me after. I was horrified and told him to delete it but he wouldn't.

Months later he threatened to send it to all of his friends if i broke up with him (at this point us breaking up was inevitable he was controlling, and manipulative and i had had enough). I wanted out and I thought that he was bluffing. Maybe he had deleted it but was trying to keep me trapped in this controlling and toxic relationship. So I left him.

For 12 months I didn't leave my house, rarely leaving my bed. I was terrified to leave my house in case i ran into him. Even though I knew it was very unlikely as he lived an hour drive away from me. After a year of wallowing in self pity I decided to get a job and get back out into the world, determined to not let him control me anymore. Sadly it gets worse.

After 3 years of being in a stable job (or as stable as retail can be) I decided to get back into the dating world. I downloaded tinder (bad idea i know) and started talking to a few guys. My self-esteem sky rocketed having these cute guys calling me gorgeous and seemingly wanting to get to know me.

One of the guys was super cute, really charismatic and funny. We talked for about six months and went on 3 really cute dates. At this point he invited me over to his house to play some video games. Me being a gamer I happily accepted. I don't drive so i got an uber to his house, it was a 45 minute ride.

When i got there, the house was extremely run down and my immediate gut feeling was to get the fuck out of there, but i ignored it and walked towards the front door anyway. He opened the door before i even got near it. He showed me around the house and it was seriously dilapidated. If it weren't for the elaborate gaming set up it would look like no one lived there (the lights didn't even work). Again my gut and mind screamed for me to get out of there but i trusted him, he was nice and made me feel wanted.

We played some games and he offered me a drink and i accepted. He had laced the drink, to this day I don't know what was in it but it tasted funny. Next thing i know I'm lying in bed with him and he was showing me a police report showing how he had beat his ex unconscious and i was terrified. It was at this point he revealed that he was friends with my ex and that my ex missed me very much and my stomach dropped.

I never told him to stop when he had his way with me. I'm not sure if it was because i was scared or if i didn't want him to stop. This went on for hours i assume (my memory is foggy past seing the police report) because i woke up early the next day, nauseous and with a killer headache. I left before he could wake up and blocked him on every social media. I was terrified. I went to work like nothing ever happened.

I have never spoke of this to anyone and I sometimes have this fear that he will show up at my work or either of them may have vidwos of what was done and i honestly don't know what I would do if they did. I know now to trust my instincts and not to trust so easily (and to not accept drinks from people unless you watch them make it). I don't know how to get over the fear that one day video might appear of what happened.

Your writing has kept me sane in the years following this and I honestly can't thank you enough for being open about abuse. It has really helped me. Thank you Freya it really means a lot to me, truly ❤

I wish I could hug you right now more than anything in the world. Because you deserve love and comfort and you deserve to have this pain taken away from you. 

I am so so so sorry this happened to you. I am sorry that men you trusted exploited your kindness and your heart and abused you like this. Please don’t blame this on yourself. I know it’s hard to tell yourself otherwise but the only people who are guilty in this situation are the men who did what they did to you. 

I don’t know if you want to take legal actions, I understand that a lot of women and men don’t for many reasons. But if you still want to go to the police to feel more protected and safe and to stop these two from causing any more harm to you or others I fully support you. 

Have you considered taking up therapy? What have you been through is a major trauma and I think you need to speak to a professional who will help you find your path to healing. PTSD is not easy to deal with on your own and you shouldn’t go through this alone. 

I am here for you and I am sure many of my friends are here for you too. 

Remember that you are strong, that you’ve been through hell and you climbed out. That what happened to you will never be your fault and that you are not alone. 🖤