#her husband's soul was harder to pull out. Spiritually Stronger i guess. & i had to ask for help from my friends

[orcelito]

New way to kill someone in a dream. Literally ripping their soul out of their body and crushing it in my fingers??? Like ok

[paganchristian]

A view through the kaleidoscope.  I was actually surprised you could take a picture this way and it would come out as clear as it did but I don’t know that much about cameras or picture-taking so what do I know about it.  I don’t read the manuals or anything but just take pictures and know only a few very basic things about how to use a camera and many of the settings are a mystery to me. But anyway, I still get satisfying pictures for myself, even if they aren’t so wonderful overall, and I guess that is really how I feel about my life in general.  I don’t want to aim high, it’s too much work, too much time, and concentration and I don’t have the energy or focus to even do that, without compromising something else.  I will be a jack-of-all-trades, well not even that, but I don’t know.  I actually feel like I have very special narrow interests and even though that is true I don’t necessarily reach a high level even in those areas, but so what?  In many ways I feel that my lackluster state protects me from the pitfalls of pride, and of falsity and from accomplishments that are supposed to be more meaningful than they would really be to me, and it I guess kind of all goes back again again again, as ever, to the whole childlike state.  I feel very naïve, very simple, very almost the word might be immature, in many ways but in the ways I want to be more advanced, I am.  If those ways are only a very few still I feel much better than the other way around, like I used to be, when I was far more normal, socially approved of, and meeting the standard expectations of my age range in all kinds of areas, when I was a younger adult.  Not that I was ever that normal, but as normal as I could manage then, and I have just let it totally be untended, like a garden now overrun by weeds, and I like it this way.  I need it this way, not just like it this way.  

It makes me think, looking at this picture, that the more spontaneous random turn of events often will completely transform my view, my experience of things, like a changing kaleidoscope angle, and yet it’s just working with the same few beads, mirrors, nothing much has changed, no real magic trick, and it doesn’t take genius, it’s more random luck and the flow of events, if I am attuned and ready to seize the opportunity. 

But not that the opportunity is that amazing either, it’s not that terribly different than the view before, it is still after all, just the same few beads, the same mirrors, a life as simple as that, metaphorically, but it’s enough, enough for me.  

So today I feel challenged by illness, and by the feeling that my family has kind of blocked me out, the my future with my marriage may be doomed to misery once my child grows up and I’m stuck alone with my husband, but the alternative to being with him is a vague undefined, terrifying and weak-looking thing that might be even worse than to stay with him, and then I think about my faith and lack thereof, and I think about how to teach my daughter, what to teach her, and I think about how to try to reach my family who has blocked me out in so many ways, but is there still a way to reach my family member, and I think about how to heal my own life, and make it more healthy and responsible, but to be responsible to all I wish I might be able to do, am I able?  Or will I always be just like so many others, unable to do all I want to do, because I’m too ill, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, philosophically, existentially, spiritually, and whatever, I feel ill in these ways, though of course that is kind of confusing, what do I mean, for example, “philosophically ill”?  I couldn’t necessarily explain it clearly if at all, and I’m not in the mood for more of that vague dry excess of words trying to explain what ends up being unclear still and needs to be wasted more and more words,..  To try to say why I didn’t mean this or that thing, this or that potential insult or negative idea, that it sounded like I was saying.  Some things it feels are just so incredibly hard to say, maybe because few have said such things, and I don’t have a framework to articulate these ideas that mostly are just things I have come up with on my own, without being able to talk them out.  If I could read and talk all about it then maybe I would internalize the language I had used with others and have a clearer way to say it all.  Maybe.  But even then maybe not.  Maybe I’m just not always very good anymore at expressing myself clearly, even if at one time they all said I was just an amazing writer, all in all, totally great.  But though some little strains of talent in writing might remain, maybe mostly my writing has deteriorated or maybe it’s that I try to write about things that are harder to express these days.  Or harder to put into poetic language, because if I’m not just emoting and being creative and talking about vague ideas, that poetic language often doesn’t flow and fit, anymore and maybe I’m not good at logical language so much.  

I sit here in a crisis of faith wondering why and where does it lead.  But a crisis of faith is a frequent companion and I never said otherwise and it doesn’t mean something amazing won’t change things as often happens to me too.  Something to make it all feel compelling, convincing, trustworthy, hopeful, safe, good, and whatever else that God and my religious or spiritual belief system is supposed to be.  Even then what is faith after all?  Is it not just ���being comfortable with not knowing”, as I heard someone put it in a video recently?  Where do you draw the line at how much you have to know or how much is ok to admit not knowing?  Why is goodness and virtue supposed to be linked to knowing things and being certain?  What does that have to do with love?  Doesn’t it often really go the opposite of love?  Because if you have to believe certain things in order to be a good person, then you will judge those who don't’ believe as being bad, and you will try to make them believe as you do, not because of giving them your love and respecting their free will (which is a part of love, a necessity for real true love), not because of love,...  but because you feel that if they believe they will be good and you want them to join the club of the saved.  And you’ll argue and give them no peace and make all kinds of rash and inconsiderate and dangerous and harmful decisions based on that need to try to push them or convince them or make them do things and see things your way, to make them believe with the same certainty that you have.  And how much of that is based only upon the need to believe that you were raised with or taught, rather than a real true certainty?  But because you have to fake certainty, now you must push that on others or punish them with it.  

The ego reacts to the need to be certain, because it then feels safe.  Even if that certainty doesn’t make sense but if the ego has fooled itself it makes sense and it is safe, then it is at least somewhat satisfied and will desperately protect the illusion of safety, control, power, comfort, predictability, stability, and all those thing that make the ego feel pacified.  Because the ego is just the survival mechanism of our minds and personalities which tries to adapt to the fear, the danger, the confusion, pain, manipulativeness and so on that society, nature and our own mental confusion rage down upon us.  The ego doesn’t make any more sense than the chaos it is surrounded by.  But many people, all their lives never find a way to transcend the egoic errors or the chaos that caused their egos to be so mistaken to start with.  Because they’re mired in the culture, the beliefs, the relationships, the society, that formed it all.  They feel pulled along by the speed of life, the force of life and culture, and it feels inescapable and horrifying to think of even questioning. 

Only suffering and humiliation pulls you out of it, breaks you down from that.  It has a chance to do that but sometimes it works the other way and breaks you down worse than before.  I keep hoping the suffering that I keep encountering will help.  But sometimes too much suffering is really too much and doesn’t lead to clarity or anything good.  I haven’t bought the idea that every form of suffering has some kind of meant-to-be point, lesson or character development, the silver lining that makes you stronger and doesn’t kill you and doesn’t make you weaker in every way, mind, body and soul. With or without God’s help, no matter how you try, not assuming a false certainty that you don’t really have or feel.  Some of these ideas are based on things that are in some of the videos I’ve watched lately, with Richard Rohr, and so I guess I’ll mention that since it does borrow heavily from the ideas in those videos.  Not that I feel I’ve fully grasped some of his ideas and not that I think I necessarily agree with all that he says either.  I feel that some of what he seems to present I would probably disagree with quite a bit, but I haven’t really looked at how he presents all of it, so perhaps sometimes something seems like something that I would disagree with and then when i see what they are really saying, I agree.  I don’t want to get into all the things he says or claims because that is just one more debate arena, in addition to the one I’m already trying to make sense of now, with the path I am considering.  But I’m not so much considering these other videos, well, in a way I am, but it’s not a cohesive path I feel I’m trying to adhere or engage as much as I can in all it says.  I’m still in the exploration phase where I might just move on to the next thing in a few weeks or months for all that I know.  But with the other path, I’ve been tangled in it for more than a year, and even if I can’t call myself one of them, I can’t disentangle myself from all that holds me attached to it, convinced by parts of it and disturbed and hurt and confused and in a crisis of faith on other points. 

[anotherlifefic]

Chapter 47: Magic Lessons

Zelda took her place on the throne, and we gathered around her, with Ganondorf, Cassandra, Lana and Cia standing in front of us. Though Lana took that position mostly to keep Cia quiet.

Link was squirming uncomfortably next to me, and I could imagine why; Cia was leering at him like she was undressing him with her eyes. I moved to stand in front of him, and to my surprise, Ruto did the same. That way, everything but his face was out of sight for her.

„So, Ganondorf, former King of the Gerudo. Would you please repeat what you told me upon your arrival in the castle.“

„Of course, Your Majesty.“ His tone was patronising, and I clenched my fists. How dare he talk to Zelda like that?! He looked around. „Though first I must ask exactly how familiar the people in the room are with Hyrule‘s early history. Specifically about how the kingdom was established and what came before that.“

Empty stares. Zelda leaned back on the throne. „I fear that a lot of knowledge about this land prior to the founding of the kingdom of Hyrule has been lost to time.“

„Indeed. So let me give you a little lesson in history. Long before the kingdom of Hyrule was founded, this world was ravaged by a fierce war between two powerful deities. One of them was a goddess named Hylia, who served the three Golden Goddesses and protected the Triforce they had left behind. The other was an entity so fearsome and cruel that nobody ever spoke his name, and he was only ever called Demise, for demise is what he brought wherever he wandered. Demise sought to conquer the world and gain power of the Golden Goddesses for himself, while Hylia wished to protect the people of the world. Hylia was aided by a young warrior who, unlike the other humans, showed great courage in the face of the seemingly unbeatable Demise.“ At this point, Ganondorf paused, before commenting:„It sounds familiar, does it not, Your Majesty?“

„Indeed it does. But history has the tendency to repeat itself. What exactly are you trying to say with all of this?“, Zelda asked cooly.

Ganondorf smirked a little. „I was about to get to that point. So with the aid of the young hero, Hylia managed to defeat Demise. Defeat, but not destroy him. All she could do was seal him away, and she had to give up her own divinity to do so and being reborn as a human woman was the consequence of that. A woman with divine powers, but mortal nonetheless. Many centuries passed, and as the seal grew weaker, a new hero was chosen, and together with the incarnation of Hylia at the time, he destroyed Demise‘s physical form. But Demise could not be entirely destroyed. However, unlike Hylia, he did not reincarnate as a mortal. Instead, his evil infected a certain bloodline and manifested itself in all of its male descendants, which were… quite rare.“

„So you are the reincarnation of Demise?“, I blurted out.

His yellow eyes darted over to me. „Did you not listen, Glaces? No, I am not his reincarnation, but I am, or rather was, indeed the latest heir of his hatred. And when the Hero of Time pierced my heart with the Master Sword, Demise‘s essence was separated from me. So now I am free of its influence, but that also unfortunately means that Demise will possibly be able to manifest again.“

„And how does the Sorceress fit into all of this?“, Link asked, pushing his way past me and Ruto to stand in the front again and nodded in Cia‘s general direction. „We have been told that she was the guardian of the Triforce before she went mad.“

Ganondorf raised one eyebrow. „Can‘t you guess? The Sorceress was supposed to be Hylia‘s successor. The Goddesses did not allow her to interact with the world she was guarding, so she wouldn‘t make the same mistake as Hylia.“

„Well that backfired horribly“, Naboru commented.

Cia stomped her foot. „These wretched Goddesses! They must have reveled in my torment, my eternal solitude! And then they let the only soul capable of comprehending my torment dance to the tunes of their flutes right in front of my face, with no way of reaching him!“

„Cia! Quiet!“, Lana shushed her.

„Why should I?“, Cia snapped and strained against the crackling magical rope. „I am the guardian of the Triforce! For all intents and purposes, the Triforce, the Hero, this WORLD should belong to ME!“

„Good Goddesses, and I thought Rebecca was a spoiled brat“, I heard Ruto mumble.

„Excuse me?“, I asked dryly.

„You heard me.“

„Are you quite done?“, Ganondorf inquired.

Zelda sighed. „Yes. Please continue.“

He slightly tilted his head in acknowledgement and then continued:„As of right now, he hasn‘t recovered his physical form yet, which makes him exceedingly difficult to fight. It would be prudent to try and predict where he could manifest again, by placing guardians at every spiritually significant place in Hyrule.“

„So you mean the temples“, Naboru said.

„Indeed. However, Demise seems to have taken a certain interest in a certain Glaces. Or so I‘ve been told.“ Now Ganondorf‘s piercing gaze wandered over to me. „Why do you think that is?“

I shuffled my feet. Goddesses, how I hated feeling so vulnerable under his eyes. „...because I‘m the weakest link in the chain. Uh… no pun intended.“

He lifted his chin approvingly. „That is true. Of the people gathered here, you are the one who is most easily manipulated, and has the least actual combat experience. Even the Sage of the Forest managed to get quite strong with the help of the nature-based magic she is capable of using thanks to her status. You however are clumsy at best with your weapon and your magic is about as dangerous as a snowball.“

„Gee, thanks.“

„So“, Ganondorf continued, completely ignoring my sarcastic remark. „Her Majesty and I discussed the best course of action, and decided that it would be prudent for you to get some actual practice both with your naginata and your magic. I do not use a naginata, but I‘ve been told that you have already found an instructor who is more than capable. And I will be the one to instruct you in the art of magic.“

My jaw dropped, and I turned to Zelda. „Please tell me that this is a joke.“

„I don‘t really like it, either. But he is right; it is vital that you learn to control your powers, and to properly defend yourself.“

I bit my lip, and then glared at Ganondorf. „...Fine.“ After all, lover or not, Zelda was still my Queen, and her word was law. I could hardly just tell her „no“.

Zelda settled back into her throne. „Now that that‘s settled, we should probably get to questioning the sorceress.“

Ganondorf and Cassandra retreated to the sidelines, and Lana brought Cia a few steps closer to us.

„Cia, former guardian of the Triforce, sorceress of the Temple of Souls, you stand accused of attempted regicide, among other offenses. This could mean your doom, unless you choose to cooperate now and tell us what we want to know. Do you understand that?“

Cia glared at Zelda, until Lana nudged her. „Cia. Answer.“

„I understand“, she hissed in between gritted teeth.

We spent the next few hours questioning Cia, but she couldn‘t really tell us anything new, except that a mysterious voice had told her that she could easily bend or break the rules of fate if she so desired, and thus had slowly but surely corrupted her.

Once she had been brought back to the dungeon, the Sages bid their goodbyes as well.

Ganondorf turned to me again. „Your training will begin tomorrow morning. I will waiting on the training grounds usually used by the knights of Hyrule. At sunrise, and not a moment later.“

I cast Zelda a pleading gaze, which she returned sternly. Then I sighed. „Very well.“

Back at home I fed Gareth and put him in his playpen. My hands were shaking from the stress, so Link guided me to the sitting area in front of the fireplace and made me sit down on the couch.

„I‘ll come to the training grounds with you tomorrow“, he promised. „There‘s no way I will leave you alone with Ganondorf.“

„Thank you, dear“, I mumbled and leaned into his embrace. „I love you.“

„I love you too.“

The next morning, Link and I woke up while it was still dark outside, to get ourselves ready. We fed the horses and let them out of the stable for the day, then took a very sleepy and slightly fussy Gareth out of his grib. I stroked my little boy‘s cheek in an attempt to calm him down while we walked the winding path up to the castle.

Ganondorf was already waiting when we arrived. He raised his eyebrow when he saw Link and Gareth.

„Too cowardly to come here on your own, Glaces? Do you intend to use your husband and child as meatshields in case I have some nefarious plan?“

I grit my teeth. „I believe that using small children as meatshields is your shtick.“

Ganondorf chuckled darkly. „You‘ve got quite the sharp tongue, Glaces. Pity Demise can‘t be defeated by snide remarks, otherwise we‘d have already won. Can we start, then?“

„Fine.“

Link sat down on a crate standing near the entrance to the castle, while I approached Ganondorf.

The Gerudo began:„I suppose I do not need to go over the basics of channeling your magic again. You seem to already know how to do that. However, you have to learn to concentrate on the image you use to conjure up your spell much harder if you want it to be stronger.“

And so, for the next few hours, Ganondorf made repeat the same spell over and over again, always telling me to concentrate harder. Until I felt completely drained and Link had to get up and rush to me to keep me from falling over in exhaustion.

„Hm...“ Ganondorf rubbed his chin. „You haven‘t made quite as much progess as I would have liked you to, but I wouldn‘t say that today was entirely unproductive.“

I leaned on Link, trying to regain my balance. I had a headache and felt like I had just done two days worth of farmwork on LonLon Ranch within half a day.

But then Gareth began to cry and my motherly instincts kicked in. „He must be hungry.“ I had Link walk me over to the barrel where he had been sitting and was about to pull the collar of my shirt open to let Gareth drink when I remembered that Ganondorf was still there. „Do you mind?“

Ganondorf crossed his arms in front of his chest and rolled his eyes, but did turn around. „You do realize that I have children of my own, do you? Seeing a woman breastfeed is nothing new or interesting to me.“

I was quiet for a moment while feeding Gareth. Maybe it was the calming presence of my son, or the mention of Ganondorf being a parent as well, but I felt a lot less contempt for him at that moment. „I met some of your daughters during that other future.“

„I know. They helped in the siege on my castle.“

„Do you hold that against them?“

He shook his head. „How could I? I forced their hand. They did what they had to do, and they did so with all of the strength and determination I tried to impart on them. And that shows me that despite Demise‘s influence on our lives and my behaviour, Cassandra and I raised them well.“

I looked up. Ganondorf still had his back turned to me, but his posture showed that he still payed close attention to how I reacted. „You really did raise them well.“

„Thank you.“ He sounded sincere, almost gentle.

„Now what is that?“, called Cassandra‘s voice from the entrace to the castle. „I can‘t believe you two are actually getting along!“ Her voice was light and cheerful. „I half expected to arrive here and find the place in ruins!“

„Do you really think I have so little self-control, Cassandra?“, Ganondorf asked dryly.

„I have complete faith in your self-control“, Cassandra replied, the golden beads of her elaborate headdress jingling like tiny bells when she came bouncing down the stairs from to entrance up to Ganondorf and wrapped her arms around his mid-section. Next to him, she was comically small. „But you know, things happen, situations escalate, and with all of the hostility shown to you thus far...“

„You speak without thinking again, Cassandra“, Ganondorf told her sternly. „Princess… pardon. Queen Zelda has already shown us a tremendous amount of clemency by not immediately arresting and executing us.“

„Sorry“, Cassandra replied. „I‘m just happy that we can be here now. And I often get anxious that something could go wrong.“

Ganondorf bent down, picked her up into his arms and kissed her. „Nothing will happen. Don‘t worry.“

I smiled to myself. In a way, they reminded me of Link and me when he tried to calm my fears.

A man like that… a man who was proud of his daugthers for fighting for a good cause and clearly loved his wife couldn‘t be a truly bad person. That much I was sure of.