#heres a dumb video i made that somehow has 1k notes now

[antarcticbird]

Fic: Nobody Else (Philip/Lukas)

Summary: Five Times Philip and Lukas are total besties and one time Lukas sort of has an epiphany. (Or: there are no murders, Lukas and Philip become best friends, and stuff happens.)

A/N: Okay, I have such a friendship kink. Like, if you can't be BFFs with your s/o then why bother, right? And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way these two connect and also, well, they are kind of dumb when it comes to feelings, which is something I can relate to. So that's my excuse for writing this. It was meant to be a short 1k ficlet but I don't know why I even still pretend I can be succinct.

Also up on the AO3

1.)

Lukas is trailing after Philip to the edge of the Caldwell’s property, not really understanding where they’re going or why.

“Are you ever going to tell me where you’re dragging me off to?” he asks.

Philip looks back at him and shakes his head, waves Lukas on. “Nope. It’s a surprise. Calm down. It’s not that much further.”

Lukas shrugs. “Well okay, but there’s really nothing in this direction worth going to? What’s the surprise? Are you going to throw me in the lake or something?”

Philip snorts. “Damn. You’ve totally found me out.”

Lukas sighs and hurries to catch up to Philip. Honestly, this is just like him, Lukas thinks. Philip likes surprises. He remembers a few months ago when he’d asked Philip to show him around the city and Philip had somehow gotten Lukas into following him into a gay club. He laughs at the memory. They’d barely known each other for more than a few weeks at that point, but he’d known right then and there that he had to be friends with someone who could pull that off and have him laughing about it. “Dude, seriously,” he complains, walking beside Philip now. “Tell me where we’re going!”

They reach the top of the small hill, and on the gentle hillslope in front of them is a blanket on the ground, with a basket and a bottle of something. “Surprise,” Philip says, looking very proud of himself.

Lukas squints at the picture in front of him. “Okay, what am I looking at right now?”

Philip laughs and punches his shoulder. “It’s a picnic, idiot.”

“You set this all up?”

“Yup.”

“Why?”

Philip rolls his eyes at him. “Oh my god, to surprise you. I already told you that!”

“Yeah, but . . . why?”

“Because you got an insane amount of hits on your last video, which, by the way, looked awesome -”

“Yeah, because you’re really good at filming them!”

“No, Lukas.” Philip sighs. “Because you’re really good at doing those jumps. So we’re gonna celebrate that. Also, I’m really bored, so I’m tricking you into taking a day off practice and hanging out with me instead, in case you couldn’t tell.”

“Dude,” Lukas says, and hurries over to the blanket, falls to his knees and picks up the bottle. “You even got champagne? Where did you get this?”

Philip’s smile is a little smug. “Tony can be very helpful if you know how to befriend him.”

Lukas almost chokes on his breath, then grins up at his best friend. “You seriously got a cop to buy you alcohol?”

“Yeah, because I’m just that awesome,” Philip says and drops down onto the blanket next to Lukas to open the basket and take out two Tupperware containers, a huge bag of chips, and two small bottles of water. “Figured we shouldn’t only be drinking alcohol,” he explains.

“You really are awesome, man,” Lukas says and quickly leans over to hug Philip from the side, then ruffles his hair as he sits back up. Philip looks happy.

Lukas fishes his phone out of his pocket and almost drops it in his haste.

“What are you doing?” Philip wants to know.

“Putting it on silent,” Lukas tells him. “No interruptions while we’re hanging out here, right?”

“Okay, it doesn’t happen all that often, but sometimes you have good ideas too,” Philip admits, and takes out his own phone to turn the sound off. “No interruptions.”

“Just some sweet BFF time,” Lukas says. “That’s the way I like it best anyway.”

“Same,” Philip answers and grabs the champagne bottle. “There are plastic glasses in the basket. Get them?”

Lukas leans forward to reach for the basket, but not without leaning over to bump his shoulder against Philip’s first. “Thanks,” he says. “This is really great.”

“It’s what friends do,” Philip says.

Lukas is really glad to have a best friend who does things like this for him.

2.)

Lukas is on his way out to feed the turkeys on Saturday morning, but when he grabs for the shirt he was sure he’d thrown over the back of his chair the night before, it isn’t there. Which is weird, because that’s where he puts his shirts every night after taking them off.

He frowns. He knows he didn’t put it in the hamper, because he’d only worn it once and he didn’t get it dirty yesterday. All he’d done all day was hang out on Philip’s porch and watch YouTube videos with him. It was still perfectly fine and good to wear again, but it definitely isn’t on his chair.

For another moment he stands there, confused, before he remembers how he’d actually taken it off yesterday afternoon when they’d gone to help Gabe carry in the shopping. He must have forgotten to put it back on afterwards. The weather had been nice, so it makes sense.

He gets his phone from the nightstand and sends a text to Philip.

Hey, did I leave my shirt at your place yesterday?

It’s only 7 a.m. so he doesn’t expect Philip to answer right away. He slips the phone in his pocket, gets a new shirt from his closet, and walks downstairs before his dad can come up to his room and bug him about the damn turkeys.

His dad actually has a few more chores lined up for him so Lukas doesn’t get a chance to look at his phone again until almost two hours later, when he’s finally done for the weekend and free to do whatever he wants. Well, once he’s taken his bike out for a bit to practice a few jumps.

For now, he leans back against the wall of the shed to check his messages. And he has a reply from Philip from just a few minutes ago.

No, I haven’t seen it.

Weird, Lukas texts back. Maybe I just put it in the laundry by accident idk

Probably, Philip writes. What are you doing right now?

Lukas sighs. He would love to go over to Philip’s place right now, but he has a race coming up next week. Gotta practice for a bit, he writes. Sorry.

That’s okay, Philip assures him. See you later?

Sure Lukas promises, and pockets his phone to go and get his gear together.

He does get in a few good hours of practice. The weather is awesome and as much as he’d just wanted to be lazy he actually feels kind of motivated once he’s out on his bike. Maybe tomorrow he can talk Philip into coming out here with him again so they can get some new footage for his channel. That would be cool.

Once he’s exhausted himself, he goes home for a quick shower and to down like a gallon of water, before he decides to just ride over to the Caldwell farm. He figures he’ll just see if maybe Philip doesn’t want to hang out now that Lukas has nothing else to do for the rest of the day.

They should just have made definite plans for later in the first place, but if he’s in luck Philip also has nothing more to do this weekend and will be cool with hanging out for a bit. And if he doesn’t want to or has other things to do Lukas can just ride around a while and maybe get some ice cream in town.

His dad is still out somewhere doing something, so Lukas leaves him a note and gets back on his bike.

Philip is sitting in the grass out front of the house and he’s playing with a dog that’s probably one of Gabe’s patients or whatever. He smiles up at him when Lukas parks his bike a few feet away and takes off his helmet.

“Done with practice already?” Philip asks.

Lukas stares at him for a moment, puzzled. “Dude,” he finally says. “Are you wearing my shirt?”

Philip’s eyes widen and he quickly throws a look down at his own arm as if he can’t really remember what he’s wearing. His eyes dart back up to meet Lukas’ and he looks a little sheepish. “. . . no?”

“It really looks like my shirt, though. The one you said I didn’t leave here.”

“Yeah, well.” Philip lets the dog run off and gets up off the grass, brushing off his legs before giving Lukas a shrug. “You should take better care of your things, then. It’s mine now. I’m keeping it.”

“So you’re into stealing now,” Lukas says, and something like laughter bubbles up in his chest. He grins. “Give it back.”

“No,” Philip says.

“Yes,” Lukas replies.

Philip bites his lip to hold back his own smile and crosses his arms. “I’m not taking it off. I’m cold.”

“Oh, are you.” Lukas shakes his head at him.

All Philip does is keep looking at him with a challenge in his eyes so Lukas lunges at him and tackles him to the ground, and Philip laughs as he tries his best to fight back. “Stop that!”

“No!” Lukas gets out through trying to capture Philip’s wrists so he can pin him down, but Philip throws him off pretty easily.

“If you want this shirt back, you have to forcefully remove it from my body!”

“Oh, it’s on!” Lukas promises, and lunges at him again.

They roll around wrestling each other until finally it’s Lukas who finds himself on his back, with Philip sitting on his chest and pinning his hands to the ground on either side of his head.

“My shirt now,” Philip says decisively.

“No.”

“I won,” Philip says. “Fair and square. I’m keeping the shirt”

Lukas huffs out a put-upon sigh, but he can’t stop smiling. “Fine,” he says. “It looks better on you anyway.”

“I know, right?” Philip says. “The washed-out plaid really brings out the brown in my eyes.”

“You’re an asshole,” Lukas says, and Philip lets go of his arms to roll off of him and poke him in the stomach.

“You’re the idiot who insists on hanging out with me.”

“Yeah, I really don’t know why I do that.” Lukas turns over onto his side to smile at Philip. “Hey, I was thinking about going to get some ice cream. Wanna go into town? I’ll pay.”

Philip smiles back. “Sure. Sounds good.”

Lukas watches Philip push himself off the ground and accepts the hand Philip reaches out to pull him up. He keeps his eyes on him as Philip walks up to the house to let Gabe and Helen know they’re leaving, and Lukas has to admit that the shirt really does look way better on Philip. He can have it. Whatever. Lukas has a lot of other shirts in his closet.

3.)

“Hey, are you okay?”

Philip shrugs. “Yeah. Sure.”

Lukas steps around him and puts a hand on his shoulder, effectively stopping him in the middle of the school hallway. “You don’t look it, man. What’s wrong?”

Philip just shrugs again and bites his lip. He doesn’t meet Lukas’ eyes. “It’s -” He swallows. “My mom. It’s just -” he lowers his head and gives it the tiniest shake.

“What happened?” Lukas asks, stomach sinking. He knows Philip’s mom had been doing better lately, and while he always has mixed feelings about that because he needs Philip to stay in Tivoli, he also really wants her to get better. Because Philip needs her to be okay and Lukas needs Philip to be happy.

“She -” Philip shakes his head again and sighs. “She took some pills. Or . . . well, a lot of pills, really. I don’t -” He breaks off, just stands there looking so small all of a sudden and Lukas can’t handle it.

“Is she okay, though? I thought she was in rehab.”

“Well, she’s alive,” Philip says, his own voice sounding dead. “But yeah. I don’t know how she even got that stuff in there. I don’t know why she took them.” He takes a deep breath. “She promised,” he says, like he never believed her anyway. “I feel like I shouldn’t even be surprised, but. She promised she’d really get better this time.”

“I’m sorry, Philip,” Lukas says, and just pulls him into a hug right there where everyone can see, even though he knows half of his other friends will give him shit about ‘being gay’ or whatever again. He doesn’t care. Not right now. He might later, and he knows that, but right now Philip is sad and Lukas can’t stand it.

“I’m fine,” Philip says against Lukas’ shoulder, but Lukas can feel Philip’s fingers curling into the back of his shirt and he knows it’s a lie.

“Do you maybe wanna hang out later?” he asks, and pulls back so he can see Philip’s face. “We can do something fun to help you forget all this shit for a while. Do you think that would help?”

Philip bites his lip again, shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’m probably not all that much fun today.”

“That’s okay,” Lukas assures him. “I can be enough fun for the both of us. I’ll totally distract the hell out of you. We can do whatever you want.” He studies Philip’s face, but doesn’t see any visible changes there. All he looks is discouraged. “I just don’t want you to be alone today, man.”

That puts at least the hint of a smile on Philip’s face. “Thanks. But, uh . . . Gabe’s picking me up after school today, to get me to talk about my feelings or something like that. You know. About what happened. It’s dumb, I know, but he’s trying to be supportive, so I don’t really want to cancel on him? Do you think we could maybe -”

“I’ll come pick you up later this afternoon,” Lukas says, an idea already forming in his mind.

“We can just hang out at my place,” Philip suggests.

“No,” Lukas says. “Just trust me, okay? I got this.”

“Okay,” Philip agrees. “But can we do something quiet? I’m just — you know. A little tired.”

“Don’t worry,” Lukas says, clapping a hand to Philip’s shoulder. “I already have an idea.”

**

He parks his bike outside Philip’s house just an hour or so after he knows Philip got home, and he barely has his helmet off when Philip is already walking out, saying something to Gabe who’s right there on his heels, patting Philip’s back. Philip has a small smile on his face — he still looks tired, but a little better than this morning, so that’s something.

“Hey,” Lukas greets him.

“Hi,” Philip says, after he’s waved goodbye at Gabe and is hurrying down towards Lukas.

“Ready to go?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Lukas drives them back over to his house as fast as he dares, feels Philip’s arms tight around his middle, Philip’s warm chest against his back. It’s a familiar feeling by now and he likes it.

His dad is in Poughkeepsie, won’t be home until late, so they have the house to themselves. Lukas takes the helmet from Philip and stores it away with his own, then leads him inside. Philip stops at the entrance to the living room.

“What’s this?”

Lukas puts both hands on his shoulders from behind to push him further into the room. “It’s a blanket fort,” he says proudly.

Philip turns his head to grin at him. “You built us a blanket fort?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god. How old are you, five?”

“Dude, it’s awesome.” Lukas walks around him, waving his arms at the structure in front of them. “I had to use almost the entire kitchen furniture to make it big enough, but -”

“I love it,” Philip says, and actually sounds a little excited now.

“Come on,” Lukas says, and crawls inside first. Philip follows right after him, the grin on his face wide now.

“Do you have every pillow from all over the house in here?”

“Pretty much,” Lukas says.

“Sweet.” Philip flops onto his back next to Lukas and smiles up at him. “Thanks.”

“You said you wanted to do something quiet. So I figured -”

“Yeah. This is perfect,” Philip says. He looks comfortable. That’s progress, and Lukas is a little proud of himself for making it happen.

“Oh wait.” He bends to the side, fishes his laptop out from under a pillow. “Wanna watch something? Like, a movie or whatever?”

Philip nods at him, fingers picking at the corner of a random throw pillow. “Sure.”

“Awesome,” Lukas says, and finds a comfortable position to sit before opening the laptop. “Anything in mind?”

“Not really. Just — I don’t know. You pick something. Nothing too sad, though, maybe?”

“Okay,” Lukas agrees.

They end up watching Shrek because it’s funny and definitely not sad, but after half an hour or so, Lukas can hear Philip silently crying next to him. It breaks his heart because he’s so obviously trying not to let it show, sitting perfectly still, his shaky breath the only sign that he’s not okay.

He doesn’t know what to say, he’s so bad at saying things, but he sort of feels like crying too listening to his best friend being in so much pain.

So he just shifts over a little, puts one arm around Philip’s shoulders and pulls him in close. And Philip goes without a fight, just sort of sags into him, his head dropping onto Lukas shoulder.

Lukas wraps his other arm around Philip as well and holds him as close as he can, presses his cheek against Philip’s hair and still doesn’t have any words. He wishes he had something smart to say, anything, just some words to make him feel better.

Instead, he lets him cry against his chest and hugs him in tight and thinks if he could absorb all of this pain and stress and sadness into his own body and leave Philip free of it, he’d do it without even having to think about it.

They stay like that for a while once Philip stops crying and Lukas figures he’s probably embarrassed. He doesn’t know how to tell him that he doesn’t have to be.

“Hey, do you want something to drink?” he asks tentatively. Because you’re supposed to hydrate after crying and because maybe if he leaves for a minute it will give Philip some time to put himself back together in private without Lukas watching.

“Yeah, sure,” Philip says, and Lukas lets him go, which is more difficult than he’d expected it to be, to crawl out of the fort and get them both some water.

Philip is sitting back against the pillows with his face dry but his eyes still a little red-rimmed once Lukas gets back and hands him his glass.

He settles in next to him again, throws him a careful look from the side. “Are you okay?” he asks.

Philip takes a sip of water, then turns his head and looks him in the eyes, and his smile is wobbly but real. “Yes,” he says. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Lukas says, and he’s never ever meant anything more in his life. After all, this is what best friends are for.

4.)

“Are you sure?” Lukas asks, looking at Philip, who’s staring down at the ground in front of him where they’re sitting next to each other under the tree.

Philip gives a small nod. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

“Oh,” Lukas says. “Yeah. Okay. Um, I mean, yeah.”

For a moment, Philip just keeps his eyes fixed on the grass, then he turns his head just a little, just enough to be glancing up at Lukas carefully, from the corner of his eyes. “How freaked out are you right now?”

Lukas swallows, opens his mouth, closes it again. The truth is, he actually is freaking out, kind of. This is a pretty big deal, especially in a small town like theirs. People won’t like it if they find out. And he doesn’t want Philip to have people giving him crap for this. He knows it’s not a thing Philip chose — he doesn’t really know much about anything but this is something he’s pretty sure of. Something in him wishes Philip had never told him, but another part of him is weirdly not surprised at all. “I’m not freaked out,” he says. It’s not exactly the truth, but it’s what he knows Philip needs to hear right now.

“Really?” Philip is fully looking at him now, studying him, his voice hopeful.

“Yeah,” he says. “I mean . . . it’s just . . . you’re really sure about this? That you’re gay?”

Philip bites his lip, then nods slowly. “Yeah. I have known for a while, actually.”

“Okay.” Lukas thinks about it, thinks about whether or not this changes anything. Between them, like, what this means for their friendship, or just in general about the way he sees Philip.

He doesn’t want it to affect them, but it still feels as if something’s just changed, something big. There’s a funny feeling spreading through his body, like a persistent buzzing under his skin, as if he’s nervous or something. But that’s dumb and stupid and he does his best to fight it down — he knows Philip and he trusts him and this doesn’t change the kind of person that he is, the person Lukas has been hanging out with for months now. “Okay,” he repeats.

“You’re cool with this?” Philip still sounds apprehensive, but there’s a hint of relief mixing into it as well.

“Yeah,” Lukas promises, even manages a smile. “Yeah, of course.” He pauses, not sure how to ask this. But it seems like a really important question, something he has to know. “How -” He breaks off, shakes his head.

“What?” Philip asks.

He picks up a stick from the ground, starts poking at the dirt at his feet. “I mean.” He can’t look at Philip. “How did you know? That you were gay, I mean.”

Philip lifts a shoulder, hesitates for just a second before he answers. “I just knew,” he says. “I guess I’ve always known, somehow. It’s kind of . . . hard to explain.”

“Oh.” Lukas draws invisible patterns with the stick and tries to make sense of all this in his head. “But, like . . . have you ever even kissed a guy? Like, have you tried it?”

Philip grins. “What, have I tried being gay?”

“No.” Lukas is getting a little frustrated now, because he can’t wrap his head around this. And it feels really important that he understands. “I just mean, I don’t know. It’s stupid. Forget I asked.”

Philip is silent for an endless minute, before he speaks again. “Have you ever kissed a girl?”

Lukas nods. “Yeah. I kissed Rose at a party, about a year ago.”

“And did you like it?”

He shrugs, throws the stick away, watches as it flies in a low arc and lands in the grass several feet away from them. “It was okay, I guess? It was just a kiss. We didn’t date afterwards or anything.”

“Did you want to? Date her?”

He shakes his head. “Nah. I mean, she’s okay, but I was really busy preparing for a race at the time and then you came here and we started hanging out all the time, so I guess . . . it just never came up again.”

“But if she’d ask you out now, would you say yes?” Philip insists.

“I don’t know, maybe?” He has to think about that for a moment. “I’ve never really thought about it. Why?”

“Because -” Philip pauses, as if carefully considering his next words. “You didn’t have to think about kissing her at that party, right? You just knew that you wanted to?”

“I guess,” Lukas says, but he’s actually not sure. It was just a thing that happened, because he’d been a little buzzed from the beer and Rose had been there and flirting with him, and then it hadn’t actually been him who’d done anything or decided anything or wanted anything, it had been her who’d kissed him first. And he’d just sort of gone with it because he’d never kissed anyone before and he’d been really curious about it. But he’d also been kind of relieved when nothing else had happened after. He hadn’t wanted a girlfriend then and he’s not sure about it now either. It just seems like . . . He doesn’t even really know. He just has a lot of other stuff going on right now.

“See?” Philip twitches a smile at him. “You just knew. The same way I just know.”

“Have you ever kissed anyone, though?” he asks again.

Philip shakes his head. “No. I just . . . There was never really an opportunity. And I didn’t really think about it too much when I was still living in the city with my mom because things were so -” He shrugs. “You know.”

“Yeah.”

“And then I came here and I just . . . there’s not that much to do here most of the time, so I finally got to thinking about some stuff, and then that one time I visited my mom she asked me if I had a girlfriend. And I kind of realized I wasn’t into girls that way. But it was like . . . it wasn’t a big revelation or anything. It just felt like something I’d known all along but had just never really thought about.”

“So are you going to get a boyfriend now?” Lukas asks.

Philip snorts out a laugh. “Wait, are you serious? In this town?”

“Maybe there’s someone else like you here, you can’t know for sure!”

“Okay, even if there were someone,” Philip says, a little sadly. “You really think they’d do anything about it? Because I don’t think that’s very likely around here.”

“So . . . then what are you gonna do?” He doesn’t like how sad Philip is looking all of a sudden.

Philip sighs. “Wait, I guess? Until I get out of here and can go back to the city and meet someone?”

“We could go to the city together,” Lukas suggests. “You know, to that gay club you took me to that time.”

“Why?”

“So you can kiss someone,” he explains, even though he’s not sure how much he really likes the idea. It probably wouldn’t be much fun to hang out alone in a gay club while his best friend was off somewhere kissing some random dude.

“I don’t really want to kiss some random stranger,” Philip says. “And I definitely don’t wanna do it in a club where I couldn’t even really see his face. That’s just not what I want.”

“What do you want?” Lukas wants to know.

“I don’t know.” Philip stares down at his hands. “I’d like it to be with someone I already know, someone I like.”

Lukas stares at him for a long time, and he doesn’t like the look on Philip’s face. Like he’s tired and lonely. So he makes a decision, quickly, without thinking about it too much. They’re friends. And it might cheer Philip up. And prove that Lukas really can be cool with this. That he’s not afraid that things will change. “You could kiss me,” he says.

Philip’s head snaps around, eyes narrowed. “What?”

“If you wanted to kiss someone,” Lukas explains. “Just to know what it’s like. I’m not a stranger, right? And we’re best friends, so obviously you like me. As a friend. So if you wanted to, we could do that.”

“You want me to kiss you,” Philip says, sounding more incredulous than enthusiastic about this.

“No, I -” Lukas sighs. “I’m just saying, we can, if you want. No big deal, right? Because it kind of sucks that you can’t date anyone around here and it’s not really fair that you can’t, and, like . . . I don’t mind. If you want to try. Just this once.”

Philip sits there chewing on his bottom lip, looking as if he’s actually considering it. Lukas is feeling nervous and yeah, he is kind of freaking out a lot now, but he can’t take it back anymore. And maybe, just maybe, he’s actually a bit curious himself. About what it would be like to kiss a dude. Not that he has a lot of experience with kissing, but he wonders if it would be different from kissing Rose. And Philip is cool. He won’t tell anyone.

“Okay,” Philip says. “If you’re sure.”

“Yeah, of course,” Lukas says, glad when his voice doesn’t come out too obviously scared. “Let’s do this.”

Philip nods and shifts in closer, and Lukas turns a little to face him. He’s not really a hundred percent sure how to do this, but he starts by grabbing the sleeve of Philip’s sweater to pull him a little more toward him, and then he places his hand on the side of Philip’s neck. Philip places a hand on Lukas’ chest and holds onto the side of Lukas’ shirt with the other one, and Lukas lets his eyes drift down to Philip’s mouth. He can do this, he tells himself. He’s almost a bit excited about it if he’s being honest. Like they’re doing something secret and forbidden like stealing booze from his dad’s cabinet or ditching a school trip together.

And then Philip is leaning in and Lukas meets him halfway, a little thrill going through him when their lips touch for the briefest second. It’s only a peck, but when he pulls back just far enough to see Philip’s face, Philip still has his eyes closed and his lips parted a little, and Lukas puts his other hand on the side of Philip’s head to frame his face between his palms and leans in again.

This kiss is longer, deeper, wetter, and he can feel Philip’s body moving in closer, one hand sliding along his ribs and up his back, the other cupping the back of his shoulder.

It starts soft and tentative, their lips moving together in a gentle rhythm, but then, because he forgot how nice kissing is, he opens his mouth wider, touches his tongue to Philip’s, and it turns hungry and almost frantic within the space of a moment.

Philip doesn’t stop, so Lukas doesn’t either — he wants to give Philip this, to let him have it, and besides yeah, kissing really is nice. And Philip is really good at it too, a natural, apparently, so Lukas goes with it when he kisses him deeper. His head is swimming with joy at the thought that he can do this for his best friend who’s so awesome and deserves to have all the good experiences.

When they pull apart at last, they’re both breathless and Lukas can feel his skin humming with leftover excitement. Philip’s expression is a little dazed, unbelieving, but happy. Lukas likes seeing that look on his face. He likes it a lot.

Philip lifts his eyes to look at him, and smiles. “Thanks,” he says. His lips are still wet from the kiss and Lukas smiles back at him.

“Sure thing, man,” he says. “So, you still sure you like kissing dudes?”

“Oh, yeah.” Philip laughs, lets go of him to sway his body out of Lukas’ space, but his hand is slow to slide from Lukas’s shoulder before he drops it back onto his own thigh. “If anything, I’m even more convinced now.”

“Good,” Lukas says, and laughs. “Glad to help out. I mean, I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me.”

Philip shoves him hard and grins, and Lukas can feel his chest expanding with happiness at the thought of having done something nice for his best friend.

5.)

“Hey.”

Lukas turns around when he hears his name called out and sees Rose walking up to him. “Hey,” he says. “What’s up?” They’ve been talking a bit lately when they run into each other and she’s cool, and Lukas thinks maybe they’re becoming friends or something.

“Have you heard about my party this weekend?” she asks.

“Oh.” He nods. “Yeah. Totally.”

“Cool.” She smiles. “You wanna come?”

“Sure,” he says. “Of course. That sounds good.”

“Awesome.” She pulls her bag higher up on her shoulder and looks thoughtful. “Hey, I don’t actually have your number, though. You know, just because we have this group text thing going for everyone who’s joining, to work out who’s bringing booze and stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, hold on,” he says, fishing his phone from his pocket. “Sorry, I always forget my own number. How often do you have to call yourself, right?”

“You can bring someone, if you want,” she says, taking a step closer and looking up at him from under her lashes. “Unless, of course, there isn’t anyone you -”

“No, that’s awesome, I’ll bring Philip,” he interrupts. “Or did you invite him already? I think he could use a few more friends around here, so this is kind of perfect.” Maybe, he thinks, if they start hanging out more around other people, they can find Philip a boyfriend eventually. Not that he really likes the idea of Philip having less time to hang out with him, but . . . well.

“Oh,” Rose says, and frowns a little. “No, yeah, that’s a good idea.”

“Cool, thanks,” Lukas says and unlocks his phone to look up his own number.

She rises up onto her toes a little and glances at his screen. “You have a photo of Philip set as your background?”

He grins. “Yeah!”

“His shirt looks wet.”

He has to laugh at the memory. “That’s because I was trying to get him to go swimming and he didn’t want to, so I splashed him with, like, a shitload of water. And he was pretending to be really mad at me afterwards, but I could totally see he was laughing, so I took a picture to prove it to him.”

“And then you set it as your background.”

“Yeah.” He nods, still grinning. “He needs a reminder sometimes that he really finds me funny even when he’s calling me an asshole.”

“Okay,” Rose says, and it sounds a bit like a question.

But then she just gets out her own phone and lets Lukas give her his number, and after that they both have to hurry so they won’t be late for class.

Lukas texts Philip about the party from under his desk when the teacher isn’t looking. He hopes Philip will feel a little more at home in Tivoli if he makes a few more friends.

Maybe then he won’t be talking about going back to the city quite so much anymore.

+1.)

“You can do this,” Philip says.

Lukas is not so sure. “What if she says no?”

“She’ll say yes,” Philip promises. “You two talk all the time, right?”

“Only at school.” Lukas looks over to where Rose is standing laughing with her friends. He feels weird about this.

“Well, if your dad keeps bugging you about this stupid school dance, you’ll have to ask someone eventually, don’t you?” Philip points out. “And at least you two are sort of friends.”

“Yeah, but what if she thinks we’re dating after that?”

Philip hesitates. “Would that really be so bad?” His tone is careful, tentative.

He sighs. “I guess not. I don’t know. She’s kind of cool?”

“She is,” Philip says, and gives Lukas a little shove. “Go ask her. Helen’s here to pick me up, but text me after? Tell me what she said?”

“Yeah,” Lukas agrees, tries to smile at Philip but his stomach is all in knots. “Wish me luck.”

“Good luck,” Philip says, twitches a smile back at him, and then hurries off so quickly Lukas doesn’t have a chance to keep him talking to stall just a little more.

Gathering all of his courage, he walks over to Rose, sways back and forth on his feet to seem cool and relaxed when he stops in front of her. “Hey.”

She looks up at him, and she seems surprised. “Lukas. Hey.”

He swallows heavily. “Can we, um. Talk? For a second?”

“Sure, of course.” She waves at her friends and pulls him a little way away, out of earshot. “What is it?”

“I, uh -” He runs his fingers through his hair, looks everywhere but at her. He has no idea how to do this. “I was wondering — I mean -”

“What’s going on?” she asks, sounding a little concerned now.

“You know how this school dance is coming up?” he asks.

Her frown smoothes into an understanding smile and she nods. “Yeah.”

“So, um.” He takes a breath. “I was wondering . . . if you’d maybe . . . go with me?”

At first, she just sort of stares at him, like she can’t quite process his words. Then her eyebrows draw together in confusion and she shakes her head at him. “Uh, no?”

He feels his insides twisting, embarrassment making his face feel hot. “Oh, yeah, no, okay, cool. Uh, okay. Yeah.” He fidgets, thinks about the quickest way to leave.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re really nice, and you’re cute and all, and I’d probably totally would have said yes, but I just don’t think that’s very fair to your boyfriend.”

He looks at her, can feel his eyes widen, his mouth dropping open, and for a moment, his mind goes completely blank. “Uh,” he says. “What?”

“I mean, I get it if you guys don’t wanna go together as a couple, because yeah, people would probably talk. But -”

“Boyfriend?” he manages finally. “I don’t — I’m not — I don’t have -”

“Oh, come on.” She huffs out a breath. “You and Philip, right? It’s cool. I’m not gonna tell anyone, don’t worry. I’m just saying, you don’t need to pretend with me, okay? It’s all good. But I really can’t go to the dance with you.”

“We’re not — I’m not — He isn’t -” He knows he’s stammering, but he can’t seem to stop. He doesn’t understand anything anymore.

“Please,” she says. “You two are totally inseparable. Everyone can see the way he looks at you. You have his picture as a wallpaper on your phone. And when I tell you to bring a date to a party, you invite him. It’s not like you guys are being all that subtle.”

“Oh.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t know you meant a date when you said I could bring someone to the party. I just -”

She puts a hand on his arm and smiles. “Hey, relax,” she says. “I’m really not going to tell anyone. Your secret’s safe with me, all right? But I do kind of have to go now. My mom’s here and we’re going into the city.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, no, sure. Okay.”

She pats his arm and walks away and Lukas has absolutely no idea what just happened. So he just keeps standing right there where he is, and he just feels so confused.

**

He means to go home, he really does. So he’s a little surprised to suddenly find himself turning onto the road that leads up to the Caldwell house, and he stops his bike, keeps sitting there, staring straight ahead.

He has no idea how he got here, but maybe, he thinks, it isn’t actually very surprising that this is where he ended up.

Because every time he’s feeling weird, and every time something good or bad happens in his life, he runs straight to Philip to tell him. He talks to Philip about everything. He never lies to him. He trusts him with secrets no one else knows. For fuck’s sake, he even kissed him. As a favor, yes. But . . . he did actually like it. If he’s being completely honest with himself.

So he sits at the street exit that leads into the road to Philip’s home and feels his mind spinning as piece after piece of everything he thought he knew about himself shifts and falls into place. He feels a little cold, and then a little hot, and his hands are going tense around the handles of his bike as something resembling restlessness spreads from his stomach into every part of him. Or maybe it’s nervousness. He can’t really name it, but he feels unsettled and shaky and his breath is going too quick.

Philip. His best friend. The coolest person he’s ever known. The last person he thinks about before he falls asleep at night, and the only person he wants to spend time with every single day. The only person he’s ever tried to teach how to ride his bike, which no one else is even allowed to touch.

He’d known all along that Philip was special to him, but he’d never had a best friend before, not really, not like this. And he’s never had feelings for anyone, not in a way that made him want to kiss them or anything, but now he’s not so sure. Is that what this is? He can’t slow down his breathing and his body is starting to ache as he thinks of everything he’s done with Philip, and all the reasons he’d wanted to do these things only with him.

The way he wants to make him laugh. Wants to hold him when he’s sad. The way his heart speeds up when he knows he’s made Philip smile, or the way it makes his chest expand with this feeling he’s never even tried to name when he looks at him sometimes. The way he feels when he’s with him, and the way he can’t stand it when they can’t see each other even just for a day.

How the thought of Philip finding a boyfriend had made him sort of queasy and afraid of losing him, even though he wants Philip to be happy and would have totally helped him meet someone, or keeping it a secret, or whatever Philip would have needed from him.

He thinks about how he’d kissed him and hadn’t really wanted to stop.

“Shit,” he says out loud, to the empty air surrounding him.

And then he starts his bike back up and turns it fully onto the road towards Philip’s house.

He’s more afraid and unsettled than he’s ever been in his life, but Philip is the person he tells everything. The person he goes to when something happens in his life.

This kind of qualifies as a life-changing event, he guesses. So there’s really only one person he wants to talk to about this.

**

Philip is not outside, so Lukas jumps up the steps and enters the house through the wide open front door. There’s no one in the kitchen either, so he just proceeds up the stairs, shaking with nerves, and impatiently knocks on Philip’s bedroom door before simply turning the handle and pushing it open.

“Hey.” Philip is lying back against the headboard on his bed and looking at something on his phone, probably the photos he took the other day when they were out by the lake together. He sits up quickly when Lukas enters the room. “What are you doing here?”

Lukas makes a vague gesture with his hands, opens and closes his mouth without any words coming out. “I -” is all he manages.

Philip scoots to the edge of the bed to put his feet on the floor, pats the space next to him. “Come on, sit down. You look like you’re about to fall over.”

Lukas does feel as if he’s about to fall over, so he does sit down on the edge of Philip’s bed. “Sorry,” he says, propping his elbows on his knees to bury his face in his hands. “Sorry, I -”

“No, hey, it’s okay,” Philip says, putting a comforting hand on Lukas’ back. The touch is like a shock to his system, a confirmation of everything he’s discovered about himself in the last half hour or so. He feels dizzy.

“Did Rose say no?” Philip asks.

Lukas chokes out a laugh. “Oh yeah. She said no all right.”

“I’m sorry,” Philip says, stroking his back softly.

“No.” Lukas lifts his head to look at Philip, afraid of how much of all this will be obvious on his face. But he’s so lost and confused right now and Philip is the only one who will understand, the only one who can help him figure this out. “No, it’s okay. I didn’t want to go with her anyway.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Philip wants to know. “What happened?”

“She just . . .” Lukas breathes, closes his eyes for a second to center himself. “She said some stuff. Which made me realize some stuff.”

“What did she say?” Philip is still rubbing his palm across Lukas’ back and that makes it harder to think, but he also doesn’t want him to stop. He never wanted to stop these little touches. He wonders how that didn’t tell him something from the start.

“She told me how she couldn’t go with me to the dance, because of how she knew that I didn’t want to go with her.”

“Okay?” Philip looks a little helpless. “How did she know you didn’t wanna go with her?”

“Because -” Lukas looks away at the far wall, before gathering all his strength and turning his head, to at least look at Philip’s knees. He can’t quite meet his eyes yet. “She said she knew that I’d rather go with you.”

Philip’s hand stills on his back, then drops away.

For a moment, there’s nothing but silence, interrupted only by their breathing.

Then, in a very small voice, Philip says, “Was she right?”

Lukas exhales, gives the tiniest nod. “Yeah.”

Philip doesn’t say anything. Lukas can’t say anything either, has no words left now that they’re all out in the open. The fear almost gives way to relief . . . no more secrets, no more lies. Even if the only person he’d been hiding from and lying to had been himself. But it’s out of his hands now. He’s done what he came here for.

He simply doesn’t know what to do next, and Philip isn’t moving at all next to him, letting the silence stretch second after second after second.

“Are you messing with me right now?” Philip finally asks, and even through the cautious hesitance in his voice there’s an undertone of hope just barely recognizable. It’s all Lukas needs to gain back another little scrap of courage.

“I’m not,” he says, and lifts his head to look at him straight on.

“You never . . . said anything -”

“I guess -” He shrugs one shoulder. “It took me a while to figure it out.”

“But -” Philip isn’t looking away, and his eyes are so dark, but his expression still so guarded. “You’re sure now?”

“Yeah,” Lukas promises, and lifts one corner of his mouth into a half-smile. “I am.”

“Okay.”

“And, I mean -” he sits up a little straighter, waves a hand at Philip. “I’m not — I don’t expect anything to happen or whatever. Like, I get it if you’re not into me that way and we can totally still be friends if you’re cool with that, but I didn’t want to lie to you and I just -”

“Hey,” Philip says, leaning into him a little.

“What?” Lukas breaks off his ramble, his pulse speeding up at having Philip so close.

“Shut up,” Philip says, and kisses him.

Lukas needs a moment to recover from his brain short-circuiting after the shock of Philip’s lips on his, but then he lifts his hands to draw him in closer and kisses back with everything he’s got.

+1a.)

They’re sitting under the tree they’ve sat under a million times before when they were just hanging out, but now Philip has his head on Lukas’ shoulder and their fingers are linked and resting against Philip’s thigh. Lukas presses his face into Philip’s hair and inhales deeply.

“Are you smelling my hair?” Philip aks, voice amused.

Lukas laughs. “No. Why would I do that? That’s weird.”

“You are weird, though,” Philip points out.

“Your face is weird,” Lukas throws back at him.

“Don’t you have to practice today?”

“Nah. I can skip a day. It’s okay.”

“So,” Philip sits up, grins at him. “What did you want to do today?”

“I might have an idea or two,” Lukas says, grinning back.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Like what?”

“Like . . . maybe just sitting here and doing nothing for a while? And then maybe we can go back to my house, heat up some dinner and watch a movie or something. My dad has his bowling night today and he’s usually not home before ten or so.”

Philip bites his lip, tilts his head at him. “Are you asking me on a date?”

Lukas still has this little wall of resistance to push through every time they talk about all this like they’re a couple — but that’s exactly what they are, what he wants them to be, and he gets better at pushing through it quicker as that wall is starting to thin and fade. “Yeah, I guess I am,” he says. “So? Interested?”

“Sometimes you ask the stupidest questions,” Philip tells him.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Well, that’s good, because it was one.”

“You’re an asshole,” Lukas says and laughs.

“”Yeah, so are you,” Philip declares, and Lukas tackles him to the ground to kiss him.

Philip holds onto him and kisses back.

It’s only early afternoon, Lukas thinks happily. They have hours before dinner.

Hours to spend making out with his best friend who he’s also kind of sort of breathtakingly in love with.

He really likes the way this all turned out.