#herstoryofabinibini

[herstoryofabinibini]

“Why The One That Got Away is not The One”

If you are already at the age of 20, you probably heard the quote “The One That Got  Away” “TOTGA”, the right person at the wrong time, the only thing that is “certain” in a world full of “doubts”. Whatever you call it, you know what I meant by that quote. We can relate to it because once in our life, we met the person we thought who is “the one”, but I am not here to tell you about butterflies, heartaches and hopes about your “TOTGA”. I am here to give a head start that this post is for people who still clings to the memories that is no longer good for them. The first time we fell in love, we knew what we felt was real because that was new to us and even I knew how great it was to be with someone who completes your day with their laugh. When I was in elementary, I fell in love with a boy who I have no idea that would be my classmate. He was shy, kind and warm. He barely speaks and he is a loner, I don’t know what “love” is at that time but I was sure that I wanted to be his friend. I approached him and hang out with him after class. I thought that I was just his friend but I know that I felt more than that. I was happy to sit beside him during class and also when he asks me about our subjects. I never admitted that I liked him because I was afraid that he don’t feel the same way. And I paid the price for keeping it to myself. When he is making progress about meeting new schoolmates, I was being left out. He had a girlfriend at grade 6 and all of my girl friends like him but I was the firm one who never confessed her feelings. When I reached my secondary year level, out of hundreds student who applied for the Advanced Section, I landed on the same section with his, and we both failed to meet the required grade on grade 8 and we became classmates until our 4th year in high school. Until then, I knew that this person is the one for me, and I was confident about it. But I still keep the words to myself even when he dated some of my bestfriends. I was hurting but it didn’t matter, I convinced myself that as long as I can see him, it was enough. But it brings me nothing but an endless doubts, crying at night, and heartaches. How can he never see the person who was with him all the time? When we reached senior year level, I chose a different track but he is still hanging out with my classmates and he stayed in our room often. I wanted to forget him because I feel bad about myself for chasing the wrong person. But I guess, that is the power of love. I don’t see him around the campus but I am still looking for him. I was in denial that time and it was a torture for me but I respect myself so much and I understand that he doesn’t feel the same way. When I graduated, he also applied in the same university with mine but unfortunately he was cut short on his quota and he failed to enter the university. During my first year college journey, I met new people who brings me out of my shell. Some of my classmates told me that they liked me, and I still respond the same words I tell with my previous suitor “I am not ready for any relationship” but I know what is holding me back. Maybe, the environment and people changed but not how I feel about him. I heard stories about commitment and witnessed some of it with my friends relationship. It was the combination of “scary and fun” and I reflected on it. I realized that I never feel fulfilled because I was waiting for someone to fill the gaps in my heart. I needed to regain myself back because I owe it to myself. Until one day, I am no longer chasing. One day, I feel great that I stopped chasing the wrong man for 9 years. At first, it was hard but sometime the pain numb us and it was telling us something. It was telling us that love does not have to be that hard to find it. The one that got away is not the one because they came at the wrong time which makes them the wrong person. If they are the right person for you, they will be, because the right person never come at the wrong time. Love works in mysterious ways and we need to know when to stop and when to love. Loving someone should not be an endless fight that you always have to win, because if he finds you worthy, he will join the battle with you. It took me 9 years to fully accept that my TOTGA was never my TOTGA but instead a friend I value so dearly. It was 2 years ago since I made the decision to let go of the strings I pulled so hard to be with him. I stopped chasing and I am happy that the right person who also chased me for almost 3 years is patiently waiting for me to heal. If it’s for you, it will find it’s way back to you. The thought of letting go the person you loved so much seems scary but that is your journey towards self growth. It is building your character and life is telling you that you need to chill down because you don’t have to run in nails barefoot anymore. The right person is the one who stayed and chose you, not that the one who left you.

[herstoryofabinibini]

“When Life Becomes Too Overwhelming”

When things doesn’t make sense, we grab into the last ray of hope we can find. The blurry vision of future overwhelms us as we explore the adult life. In most cases, when life gets complicated it broke them down into pieces, scattered in places. I, myself experience occasions like these. The golden rule of adulting “be wise or goodbyes”. When I become adult, everybody was telling me how happy and liberated you will be at the age of 20. Freedom without asking for consent excites me, because there are no limitations and you can have fun anytime. But no one warned me how much it will costs you to be happy. It’s like a roller coaster ride that makes your skin crawl every time you reached the peak of the coaster and all you can do is scream and shout. For me, life is the game of chess, one wrong move and you are finally out but it doesn’t mean that you won’t have another chance to play the game. As a daughter who was raised by a single parent, I am really proud of what I am achieving right now in my college year. Maybe because I never thought that we could push it through this far since we don’t have a dual earner in the family. Each time I think how life is unfair, I find myself praising my mom for the sacrifices she did so just we could have what she never had for herself when she was young. She wanted us to have a better education and to pass all the possible board exams we needed to take. It broke me from time time, thinking that our life would be better only if my father chose us. But I believe in the power of my sub-conscious mind that life will soon favor us and we just have to hold tightly to it. Never let that grip loosen no matter how shaky the ride is. I am still feeling overwhelmed with our situation and my driving force is my family and the life I wanted to provide for them. Love is not selfish and it helps us achieve the impossible. That’s why I have high respect for all the women and men out there who chooses career over relationship just so they could support their family’s needs. Just keep in mind that when life becomes too overwhelming, hold on tightly into the dream that is keeping you awake at night and think about the family that you wanted to spoil. Life may be hard for us but it doesn’t mean that we should give up on our dreams. Keep going and soon enough, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will be amazed for not quitting because your strength will be the epitome of hope for others.

[herstoryofabinibini]

“The insecure side of a woman who is not afraid to be alone”

I’ve been in journey that feels odd yet exciting. One of my closest friend invited me to hop in on their vacation along with our former classmates who I barely get the chance to be closed with during our junior days. All through our stay in my friend’s resort, I was uncomfortable but I managed to talk with them and exchange conversations even if I don’t know what to ask (catching up since they’ve been inside the Academy for a year). It feels weird hanging out when you are surrounded with couples which makes it more awkward because I don’t personally know their girlfriends and boyfriends. It feels unfamiliar because I wasn’t used going out with people who are already in a relationship. But that get together made me realized 3 things. I saw my former classmates which is known for his ‘bastos’ remarks, an old friend I still have contact with, my bestfriend (who invited me to join them) and a bunch of people I always bumped in school during my secondary level. When I looked at JR, he is still them same person I knew 4 years ago, except that he is more mature now. He thinks now before he speaks and it came out as a shock for me. RE is also with us, except for the part where she is on her breaking point because she had a fight with her boyfriend and her phone went missing which added stress to her. But among other friends that were present in there, she is the person I more closed with because we were bestfriend during HS. And there goes my bestfriend, who is GR. She was the one who offered us their place and she invited her suitor to join us (I get to know him but I wasn’t really good at speaking with people I just met and I only gave him awkward smiles and weird glances). We had fun and tell each other’s experiences in our own universities, drink a little too much, went swimming at 12 am and slept on the tree house. When I woke up, I find myself fitting in places because lovebirds are dominating the area and I was the only women in there who’s single. To cut the story short, I can’t help but feel insecure because I wanted to experience having someone by your side. But then I realized, that those people I’ve mentioned earlier were once a person I thought they would be forever. When I saw JR again with his girlfriend, I see nothing but a man who is caring and who wants nothing but to express his love in simple gestures. I’ve known JR for 4 years but he changed a lot. While my other friend who is RE finally found peace after being with a person who does not see her value. She is stress all the time, but when her boyfriend came that night to compromise with her, I see a women who is not afraid to lower her pride to forgive. And there is GR who spend more time with his suitor than mine. (I hate that he is more close with him that she has with me). GR made precarious decision because she is afraid to let go of what’s hurting her and despite the fact that I don’t get to speak with her all night, I was genuinely happy that she wants to settle with someone who never fails to support her needs in all aspect. I realized that the version of a person I created in my head is not their responsibility but mine. My ability to look through the personality of an individual is what matters because people always change. And of course, I learned something from the situation. I’ve been single for a long time because I refused to settle with a man who does the bare minimum and I will not lower my standards just to meet them at the middle point. I told myself that why does happiness need to come from someone? why can’t I make myself happier? and that is when it hits me. Having someone by your side felt surreal. they made you laugh, cry, and hate but above all, how to love. And I want those for myself, I want myself to feel great, sad or mad on my own, not because someone made me feel it. And I think this leads me to the works of self-love. I don’t have to be sad because everyone feels that they already meet their soulmates, what I should focus more on is how I love myself and what does I need to do to find myself. Self- love is not an easy task when you are surrounded by people who are depending their emotion with their loved ones. But that is the beauty of love and loving someone, it made you feel different sort of emotion and I am still trying to figure out how it is possible. 3 things I’ve learn -self love -people are not responsible for the version of them we created in our heads -people always has a choice to change