#hey I actually don’t really hate lockstep

[sarahisatotalgeek]

hey I need to rant so please read and let me know what you think in the replies but please dont reblog

TW// rants, politics, tr*mp, abortion, homophobia

welp just had an hour-and-half long political discussion with my mom, prompted by me asking her why she said in a FB post that she "didn't think any riots would happen if Biden won" in response to the Capitol fiasco today, to which I pointed out the long history of white supremacy violence and after which a long discussion about Trump and the US ensued. My mother, who is so convinced that she has to be a "peacemaker", prides herself on her "open-mindedness" and refusal take sides... that is, of course, until she obviously is on the conservative side and calls me a baby murderer, to my face. :///////

after I told her that I refused to emotionally manipulated like that and that my views on abortion (and how to stop it) were much more complicated and intricate than that name suggested, she got mad that I didn't follow the church's word-for-word views on the subject. guess i shouldn't come out anytime soon then, considering I am completely at-odds with the church on that one.

we also had a long discussion on what we wish the US looked like and how we think we could be the most christlike, and it is unbearably frustrating how close to being progressive she is. (my father too). they're both conservative-raised, grew up in the cold war and the after-effects of McCarthyism, and when you get down to the brass tacks of what they believe... I would expect them to be a Bernie Sanders supporter. but no!

my father is too entrenched in conspiracies on whether or not the Democrats are actually satan-worshipping blood drinkers, and my mother is too emotionally tied to not only being "Little Miss Perfect Peacemaker" for her conservative family, but is also so blindly devoted to conservative beliefs without realizing where she diverges from them!

my mother also got very personally offended when I said I didn't like Reagan. she asked why and I simply said that there was a "laundry list" of reasons and that I was unwilling to get into it. AIDS was obviously my biggest gripe, but I knew that I would get too emotional thinking about all those that my community lost (at the fault of Reagan's deliberate negligence) and would therefore (likely) out myself.

I didnt think it was good to be outed at that moment.

overall I feel emotionally drained and frustrated. my mother has told me so many times (especially when I was in a deep depression and therefore irritable and argumentative) that if i don't want to be her daughter, that I don't have to be. that I could leave her and my family behind, because that is my choice. but then, in a moment of delicious irony, if I don't follow her views uniformly (perhaps not in politics but DEFINITELY in religion), then I have wounded her.

she simultaneously puts forward this image when we argue that either A) she doesn't actually care about me that much and that if I just up-and-left, she'd be fine because kids up-and-leaving are just a fact of life...

or B) that I am a chore to raise but that it is Her Cross to Bear and that she must love me and keep me in her life, as utterly unbearable as that must be.

so, in her mind, I am either irrelevant or a burden, but not someone she could potentially listen to and learn from?

I am SO EXHAUSTED. I have felt a push from the spirit over and over within the past couple months that I need to come out, and be a light and to speak out... and a feeling that I need to get my patriarchal blessing because God has an important work for me, but I am terrified.

how can I come out now? my mother has shown herself to be completely in lockstep with whatever the church/prophet does, my father doesn't really care, my ward/stake is homophobic as F*CK, and my church is being torn apart by assholes who hate me for being who I am!

what am I supposed to do now?

love and prayers would be appreciated.

-sarah

[bffsoobin]

01|02

↳ when your beloved throwing team finds itself lacking on equipment within a school that claims to value athletics, you take it upon yourself to find the right person to remedy your problems. little did you know, the right person would be perpetually busy and you would be stuck trying to barter with one of his friends. how long will it take for you to convince Beomgyu that your team is just as important as his? 

➤ highschool!au, thrower!reader x volleyball player!beomgyu, rich kid!beomgyu, fluff, very light angst, mentions of other members and members of BTS (go read @btxtreads sister series Perfectly Perfect!!!)

Word Count:1,777

A/N: I am so sorry this took so long! I hope you all enjoy it even though it’s been a hot minute since part one!

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:••:•.•

You were staring daggers into the back of Beomgyu’s head. It was the end of a very long school day, and the sound of him complaining about how sore his arms felt from the game the night before lit hatred in your chest. You were still close to boiling over the blatant ignorance he had displayed toward you last night on the court. If you owned a burn book, Choi Beomgyu’s name would be at the top of every page. 

All day, you had tried your best to forget his arrogance, but the fact that you spent so many hours of your school day sharing a classroom with him only made your annoyance tick upwards. The longer he spoke, the clearer it became that your emotions were seconds away from eruption. In the middle of an intense staredown with your history textbook, you heard your name. 

“Right, Y/N?” Beomgyu was leaning toward you but not lifting himself out of his seat so that his ring of adoring classmates wouldn’t be in between the two of you. 

“Huh?” Although you had missed what he said, you could only imagine what kind of annoyingly arrogant comment he was in the middle of making. 

“I was just saying that even you came to support us last night. That was sweet of you!” 

Your blood was boiling just under the surface of your skin, and the devil on your shoulder told you to let all of your anger loose on the boy right now; but the fact that so many of your peers were also listening in had you thinking twice. 

“Oh, yeah, I was there. It was a good win, but too bad Yeonjun couldn’t keep himself together and had to sit out at the end. I’m sure your coach wasn’t too happy with all of that...” you watched the way his eyes had narrowed slightly, “trouble.” If there was anything you knew for sure about the men’s volleyball team, it was the fact that they held their teammates very close to their hearts. And after yesterday, you wanted to hit Beomgyu as close to the heart as you could. 

Now, as you saw the subtle way his jaw shifted, you felt a tinge of regret. Maybe you’d gone too far, insulting one of his best friends. Just as you opened your mouth to apologize, the bell rang and a bustle of students began their exit from the school. Within the bustle, you made your way over to where Beomgyu was shoving notebooks into his bookbag. 

“Hey. I’m sorry,” though his back was to you, you could sense his hesitance to accept your apology. “I didn’t think about how mean that would be. I really did enjoy watching the game though, even if we got into a sort of fight afterwards.” 

You rocked back and forth on your feet as you waited for him to turn around. Once he did, there was no way to miss how intimidating his tall stature made him. 

“Thanks for the apology,” you let out a sigh of relief at his acceptance but it stilled in your throat when you caught his blank expression. “Although I definitely wouldn’t call our talk a fight,” he began to walk out of the classroom and some magnetic force had you following him in lockstep. You hated the way you hung around and waited for the next words to fall from his lips. He was too captivating for his own good.

He slammed his locker shut. “After all, we have to be civil at our meeting tonight.” He leveled his gaze with you as he leaned casually against the metal and crossed his arms. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, you knit your eyebrows together in confusion.

“A meeting? About what?” Much to your own annoyance, your voice gave away your utter confusion. Beomgyu smirked at your response and you knew he had secured some type of upper hand.

“Me, you and our coaches are meeting tonight. To talk about that funding you need?”

“What? Really?” The excitement of possibly getting funding won out over your need to convince Beomgyu he didn’t hold as much influence over you as he thought. As you celebrated, you thought you caught a glimpse of his mouth quirked upwards before he backed away to head toward the exit.

“Coach Jungkook’s office, 4 pm!”

——

Around 3:55 pm, you found yourself hovering outside of Coach Jungkook’s office. A small voice in the back of your mind had convinced you that you couldn’t walk in any earlier than 4 o’clock, so you settled for leaning against the wall and running through your mental list of needs for the team. You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t even register the sound of the door creaking open. 

“Y/N,” your neck whipped around quickly to see Beomgyu holding the door open, staring down at you expectantly. “Were you...waiting out here this whole time?” You could hear the start of a laugh at the back of his words that made heat rush from your neck up to your hairline. 

“Shut up, Choi,” you pushed past him, keeping your gaze on the carpeted floor until you saw the coaches come into view. 

“Ah, there you are!” Jimin called out to you in lieu of an actual greeting. You wondered briefly if all three of the men were waiting for your arrival as you simply stood in the hall; but you cleared your throat and attempted to focus back on the task at hand. Jungkook’s office was extremely spacious and well decorated. The walls were plastered with photos of his beloved volleyball team from every year since he began coaching here. You even spotted some older pictures and trophies from the man’s own days on the team.

There were oddly comfortable looking armchairs located in front of his desk, one of which was already occupied by Beomgyu, who was spread out comfortably as if he owned the place. And truthfully, he probably did. Jungkook gave you an easy smile as you stood idle in the space between the empty chair and his desk before gesturing loosely. 

“Go ahead, sit down!” His sunny disposition always threw you slightly off guard, especially after knowing the way he acts on the court. Nevertheless, you sank down into the inviting chair and tried your best to return his grin. 

“So,” he continued, “Jimin told me you guys need a little funding help?” You felt three pairs of eyes drift to you, and suddenly the importance of helping your team began to outweigh your nerves as you began to explain your situation. 

“And given the...extra boost the men’s volleyball team gets from Beomgyu’s family,” you scratched the back of your head gingerly as you glanced at the boy in question. “Coach and I thought you would be willing to help our team out.” Your heart was beating erratically in your chest as you waited for Jungkook to say anything. 

“Well, I certainly think I can help you guys out. If you’re on the way to big competitions, I want you to have the best chance possible,” he slides open a drawer with ease and you can see Jimin’s eyes light up with excitement. Jungkook drops a sleek black checkbook onto the desk in front of him and nods Beomgyu’s way. 

“Why don’t you take Y/N and show her around the trophy room while Jimin and I talk numbers?” The idea of being shown around the volleyball team’s trophy room would normally make you gag, but right now you’d do just about anything for Coach Jungkook. Beomgyu agreed easily and got up to leave so quickly that you had to sputter a poor “thank you” to the man saving your team’s skin before practically running out the door. 

While the trophy room was located behind a normal door, the inside was excessively intricate. A fancy thermometer was set to an exact temperature to keep the expensive wooden shelves from warping under the weight of their wins. Beomgyu took an easy lap around the room before stopping in front of a ceiling tall glass case boasting an insanely tall golden trophy. 

“This was from our nationals win last year. The winning game was so close that we played for what felt like three hours. Soobin played with an injured wrist and Taehyun had strep throat but we still managed to pull it off.” You wandered closer, genuinely interested in seeing such an expensive trophy up close. Once you stood in front of the case, you could really admire the careful engraving that shone underneath the small led lights that were embedded around the case. For some reason, you found yourself holding you breath, whether to avoid fogging up the glass or just from the proximity to Beomgyu, you weren’t sure. He was standing so close next to you that a single twitch of your wrist would have you grazing fingers. 

“You guys are really good,” you didn’t turn your head to look toward him, but you caught part of his smiling reflection in the glass. “I mean it. As much as I shit on you guys, you’re really good at this.” You glanced sideways to see a genuine smile on his face that kicked your heart rate up. 

“Thank you. We work hard. I think sometimes people forget that,” you swallowed hard, unable to avoid the thought that the statement included you. 

“But I think we also forget that other people work hard for their sport.” A warmth spread through your body at his confession and you noticed the way the lights from the trophy case accentuated the sharpest features of his face. He licked his lips and your eyes tracked the movement eagerly. His cool eyes met yours just seconds after, and you prayed that you hadn’t been caught in the act of staring. 

“That’s why I’m happy to be helping you out, Y/N. My team and I can be...closed off. Because we know we’re good and nobody bothers to humble us.” He hummed in thought for a second before laughing out loud. You raised an eyebrow in silent question of what was so funny. “Actually, I think you’re the first person who’s dared to try and humble me since I joined the team,” he had begun walking toward the door of the trophy room and you once again found yourself following without question. 

He paused by the door, swinging it open and gesturing you to exit before him. “And honestly,” he shut the door with a resounding click. “I think it’s really cute.” 

[chrysalispen]

hey, @otherworldseeker -- you asked me for maximum self-indulgence in the form of a wedding, so here’s a little peek at what i’m working on for you ;)

"I can't believe you're actually letting me go through with this," Nero said yet again, resuming his agitated back-and-forth pace about the cathedral vestibule. He'd worried his cufflinks undone for the third time in the last half-bell, and he still hadn't managed to get his cravat fastened. "You're supposed to save me from my matrimonial fate, and here you are consigning me to it instead."

"You did this to yourself. Hold still." It took him a few tries but Cid was finally able to intercept the other man's circuit over the ancient stones of the church long enough to grasp him by his wrists. "And stop fidgeting with your cuffs, this is the last time I'm fixing them for you."

"This is all your fault, you know."

"...How is this my fault?"

"Well, I don't bloody know, but clearly it's your fault, Garlond. Otherwise it would have to be my fault, and I don't like that."

Cid almost laughed, but the wild shine in those eyes told him that would be extremely unwise. He hadn't seen the other engineer this anxious since he was a young boy; Nero was such a tightly controlled man under most circumstances that it could be difficult to tell what was actually running through his mind, but in this instant the stress had worn down his emotional defenses, and the poor man was perilously close to panic.

So, he decided to pick a fight.

"You gave her a ring, bent the knee, the whole nine yalms. What did you expect her to do, turn you down?"

"Yes! No. I... don't know." His fingers twitched, obviously wanting to go right back into his hair or to his cuffs, but Cid slapped them away and kept working at the fabric. "I'd not expected aught. The Warrior of Light has any number of admirers and assorted hangers-on, you know that."

"So she does. And you'll notice she isn't marrying them."

"And if something goes wrong? If she decides this isn't really what she wants?" At his exasperated sigh, Nero snapped, "It could happen and you know it."

"What could happen?"

"She could simply leave me at the altar, for one." Cid did laugh, then. Nero shot him a withering glare the likes of which he hadn't seen since their Academy years, and he noted with satisfaction that the other man had mostly stopped fidgeting with his cufflinks. "Oh good, I'm thrilled to see someone here is amused by my emotional turmoil."

"Are you actually being serious right now? Gods, Nero. Aurelia has seen you at your absolute sodding worst. You were her enemy once. You tried to kill us-"

"Point of order, I was not trying to kill her. Or you." A pause, then the ghost of a smirk. "Perhaps I might have liked to singe your short hairs a bit. The notion of hauling your arrogant carcass about the castrum in one of those claws like a scruffed kitten was half the appeal of deploying them in the first place."

Cid rolled his eyes. 

"Thank you for making my point for me. As you've so helpfully demonstrated, Aurelia knows what a pillock you are. She's seen it for herself."

"I am not a pillock."

"Yes, you are, Nero. And she knows it and she still said yes. That has to be worth something."

"...I suppose," the engineer groused.

"She's not going to leave you standing in the vestibule," Cid grunted, pulling the silk tie around the taller man's neck as taut as he could manage without choking him, then arranging the knot. "She's just running a bit late, that's all. It happens- don't you dare be touching those cuffs."

Nero scowled, but his hands dropped back down to his sides.

After a few moments spent in silence as Cid critically examined his work on the man's necktie, he finally said: "I'm happy for you. You know that, right?"

"Don't get sentimental. I'm barely keeping my breakfast down as it is."

"Shut up, you great lout, I'm talking." He busied himself pinning the Nymeia lily back in its place on Nero's lapel; it had fallen askew with all the pacing. "We've known each other since we were boys and in all this time, I never thought you'd take interest in anything that wasn't related to magitek. But you weren't happy in the Empire any more than I was, and lest you think otherwise I know full well that was why you didn't warn anyone I'd planned to defect. I never understood why you stayed."

"You know very well why I stayed."

"Aye, I do now, for all the good it ever did you. You're happier as a defector than you ever were as a tribunus. Not the least of those reasons being you finally found someone willing to put up with you, and out of all of the women in Eorzea -- hells, Hydaelyn -- of course it was the bloody Warrior of Light. I'll give you this, you never did do anything by half-measures."

Nero hesitated, then offered him a rueful, lopsided smile.

"On that much, I suppose we are in agreement."

Cid reared backwards, clutching his chest in mock surprise. "Hells below, did we actually reach consensus on something? Does this mean marriage might actually turn you agreeable for the nonce?"

"Agreeable? You think a walk down the aisle with the woman I love means I shall march in lockstep with you, Garlond? And risk destroying the fundamental underpinnings of our relationship? Perish the thought."

Nero’s smile had stretched into that toothy, idiotic grin he normally hated, the one the man used when he was getting ready to tease. But this once, just this once, Cid Garlond grinned back at the cocksure git that passed for his best friend in the world.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

[sandersstudies]

Could you talk a bit about the Catholic side of things? I was raised Lutheran so I guess I never see a difference because I never paid attention

Sure! I’ll touch on a couple of major things, but this is by no means a comprehensive list. Warning, this post is long and, obviously, talks about religion a lot. I’ll be adding tags momentarily, but let me know if additional tags are needed. 

Oh, and notice to all local assholes: I’m not here to play a game of apologetics. This anon was very polite in their request, and I love responding to polite anons, but if you bust into my inbox sealioning or looking for a debate you’ll be promptly deleted, thanks. 

Biblical interpretation - Most Protestant Christians believe that the interpretation of the Bible is highly personal, whereas Catholicism has dogma/catechism which comes from the catholic tradition, councils, the Holy See, etc. etc. While Catholics do have freedom to find what the Bible means for them, the Catholic church has an official stance on many issues including homosexuality which are included in our catechism (that is, the book that declares what it is we believe. Other Catholic-specific things like the body and soul assumption of Mary, veneration of saints, and resurrection of the physical body are included in this book). For the curious, the section on homosexuality begins in paragraph 2357 of the catechism and essentially says that “the number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible…They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.” Okay, so that’s GREAT. Gay and bi people exist, be nice to them, don’t discriminate against then, they’re still God’s children. HOWEVER, the catechism also says, “Homosexual persons are called to chastity.” That is, the act of homosexual sex is still a sin. So’ saying “God still loves you if you’re gay!” is…well, sort of woven into the fabric of our religion, but it doesn’t change the fact that by the word of our religion… to have gay sex is still a sin. So positivity that tries to put a different “spin” on Biblical homosexuality (”but Jesus blessed a gay couple!” “but this part about men lying together is actually linguistically vague!”) also kind of has less meaning for us because that doesn’t change the word of our church. Some Protestants really don’t like this: I get it. You feel like we’re just marching lockstep under the pope or something. It requires a much more big-picture look at Catholic vs. Protestant beliefs to really “get” this idea, and this post is long enough as it is.

Purgatory - So I know “Gays go to Purgatory” is really not a catchy slogan for your average hate-preaching homophobe, but it’s important to note that Purgatory is a central conceit of the catholic faith. Basically, instead of “good/faithful person -> heaven; bad/unfaithful person -> hell,” Catholicism claims that because nothing impure can enter the kingdom of heaven, purgatory is the “final purification.” It’s frequently described as a cleansing fire, and a place of both suffering and joy. We have to truly repent of our sins and be made clean, BUT it’s an exciting place because hey, it’s basically the lobby of heaven. The catechism (paragraph 1030 for those interested) says that “all who die in God’s grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified” go to purgatory to be made holy. Purgatory prevents us from entering heaven with our earthly biases, grudges, and angers, and lets us be made pure. It is “entirely different from the punishment of the damned” (that is, hell). (Unrelated but this is why Catholicism really emphasizes prayer FOR THE DEAD. We have to pray for them so they can stay strong, remember God’s love, and overcome the trials of the final purification.) A lot of Christian positivity (of any kind, not just LGBT) speaks of the afterlife as a heaven/hell binary without considering the dogma of purgatory for Catholics. Some Protestants don’t like this either, because “well, Jesus already died for our sins so…why should I have to suffer for them?” Remember, though, it’s a final cleansing. It’s to heal, not to punish. Kids hate taking baths or medicine, but their parents make them because it’s good for them.

“Faith alone” - One of the reasons Martin Luther broke away from the catholic church was because of the use of indulgences. Indulgences were preached about at the time, but were not official catholic dogma, and essentially claimed that monetary donations would result in reduced suffering in purgatory (see above). Luther (rightfully) said no, that’s not really how God’s love works, but went a step too far and began to really emphasize faith or even “faith alone” over actions. Depending on how much emphasis you put on faith, it’s possible for a Protestant to claim “well, your faith is what really matters, not your actions. It’s okay to do xyz as long as you have true faith in God.” The Catholic church places much more emphasis on action, which leads to our more pronounced history of Reconciliation/Confession (the use/significance of which varies in Protestant denominations). It’s not really in the teaching of our church for a catholic to say “it’s okay to do xyz (read: have gay sex, a gender correction, etc.) as long as you have true faith in God.”  

And I’d like to clarify that I’m in no way putting down the Christian LGBT positivity that exists - it’s so important for young queer people who are connected to their faith or are feeling excluded by their religious community - it’s just a personal frustration of mine that a lot of it is inherently Protestant or is Protestant-centric. 

[kirbymaster500-blog]

Explanations on my life and how much of a fuckup I really am.

Uh, hey, guys. This is a post from a blog I barely use, I know. Why am I using my tumblr? Well, simple. It’s because tumblr’s has such a bad community and only such few are willing to make an account on a website we can still consider dead or something. Therefore, it’s highly likely nobody I know has a tumblr. My friends likely don’t have a tumblr, which, in complete honesty, is the point of this.

Anyways, in case you didn’t know what happened, I guess I’ll do my best to try and not get shivers from recalling things like a coward.

I always saw Discord as a fun place. I would go on there as much as I could, even in school. Funnily, that got me in trouble once with the Spanish teacher. I remember spending 80% of my time in my daily life just on this simple app that I only joined in July. It was such a social app to use, and it was so much better for me to communicate with others. Let me at least tell you a story as to a small key as to why I became like this.

It’s around end-October. I’m bored, so I’m looking around the Twitter blog of an artist I’ve looked up to for years. I message them a joke message, which they actually reply to. Seeing as how they’re online and possibly available to strike a conversation with, I talk more and eventually we get to know each other. I eventually offer to take the conversation to direct messaging on Discord. We both agree and I have possibly the best conversation in my life actually talking to somebody I’ve looked up to for years. It got to night time and we had to say bye until the next day. The next day however...she blocked me virtually everywhere. I actually felt utter hatred for someone I revealed most of my secrets to, so the demon in me I allow to come out. It had plans to do anything to make her look like a traitorous bitch. Tell her best friend to never dare mention her name again, send her hate notes, criticize her and remind her that her significant other doesn’t care for her, etc. It wanted to do anything to break her mind in two. Eventually, it comes up with a far simpler solution: create an alternate Twitter account and deal with her personally. So I start off by saying that even with a blank alternate account, she should already know who’s talking to her. So the demon in me criticizes her for blocking me after I have trusted her with virtually every dark secret in me. And I keep on...until she actually reveals the reasons why she blocked me. As she reveals, some of the things I said in that DM actually triggered bad memories in her about someone she deeply cared about leaving her. In the middle of recalling that, she suffered a panic attack because I’m saying some more wrong words. She eventually recovers a bit to the point where I decide to call things off early and honestly forgive her, now that we understood why things happened. She agrees to unblock me now that things were cleared up, and then she told me something. She wanted herself to not be my only friend. She wanted me to reach out for others and find someone, perhaps, better than her. She put my happiness over hers. So, I decided to live up to that promise. I became more social and talked on Discord more, all for the sake of living to that one promise I vowed to keep.

Eventually, I made some friends: RandomRandy, Cuddles1234, Kerespectiae, Cloudie (we’re still on good terms), Snow Fox, Lockstep (even though we didn’t talk much), and Cloudburst. I’m enjoying most of my life, but then there’s my parents, who I’m not really comfortable around most of the time, especially my dad. My mother is a workaholic that comes home stressed some of the time and yells at me and my brothers for the smallest little mistakes she could find. My dad, however, was someone I trusted much less, and perhaps I may as well not trust him at all. If anything I had to describe him as, he’s someone that only solely focuses on the future. He’s been forcing onto me opportunities that honestly don’t really appeal to me. Biophysics doesn’t even seem to appeal to me as it used to. I want to be either a psychologist, or a psychiatrist. But still, it’s anything to get me the best future he had in mind. And sometimes, he does things that I’m not forgiving him for. One time in Christmas 2015, in the morning, I was depressed from stress and from just feeling really shit in general. Eventually, downstairs, they’re still angry at me and I say out loud that I should kill myself, following by my dad tossing me the kitchen scissors and telling me, “Fine. Go kill yourself.” I stay silent throughout most of the day. The next time, I come back from an incident where I attempted cutting myself with Kindergarten scissors (I’ll elaborate later) and I’m at home, trying to calm myself down. My dad’s back from his medical dialysis and apparently he’s known what happened. Everything’s normal and he asks me if I can go get him a pen. So I do and I offer it to him and he takes it. However, immediately after, he grabs my left arm and treats the pen like a razor and starts making “cutting” motions on the exact same arm to represent me cutting myself, all the while having that ugly laugh he always makes whenever he’s amused. It was the only time in my life where I looked upon him genuinely frowning. My mom’s watching and not saying anything, but apparently frowning as well. I go back to my room and just try to still recover. And let’s not mention the fact how he loves bringing up my cousin who succeeded far better than anyone. She was aiming for Harvard, but settled for John Hopkins, which is still very prestigious from what I’ve heard. He loves using her victory to shove in me and my brother’s faces of how much of an embarrassment and a failure we look like in comparison to her. We’re two lazy brothers that can’t stay off social media while she’s the Honor Society President that made it into one of the top medical schools in the entire country. I still remember him using the argument that “she’s a girl”, which I now assume means he thinks something sexist. Possibly.

More things about me, before I actually had anything, really, I was a perfectionist that had no care for friends. Back in middle school, there were a lot of jackasses, so, I became a wiseass in turn. I saw friends as a mere hindrance in the way of true success. At that point in my life, my mother and father’s academic expectations had become me. All I cared was seeing those grade marks say A all over and getting that piece of paper titled Honor Roll, and sometimes an academic medal or another note that’s far beyond an Honor Roll. I was that much of a perfectionist to see those grades. Just to see academic success. For all I knew, if I succeeded academically, I could please my parents with anything and be able to do virtually anything I wanted. I could even use the awards as an excuse to stay up late. I felt like a winner. I also felt something was missing, but I didn’t care. I was perhaps the best person in the family. Until, well, this year. I was so cocky to take Honors classes for 10th grade because I was confident in my awards and my knowledge. I probably suffered a massive panic attack but I don’t really remember, but I started getting being filled with negativity again. My first grades had a D+ in it. This is a grade I have not seen for 5-6 years. I started getting paranoid about my parents, the ones proud to have the student getting constant Honor Rolls for 5 years straight. They wanted to see the best grades. And eventually, when they did find out, they got pissed. They blamed me for slacking off and the freakin’ laptop again. I tried, but nothing seemed to be changing. I’m still trying to this day. Eventually, I recalled that missing piece I felt back then when I was a perfectionist. Turns out, it was actual friends. Seeing how I’ve been lonely most of my life and that I simply could not just take having problems anymore, I started being more socially active for that reason. My emotions and thoughts first, grades second. I was that broken and desperate for someone to talk to since it gets really lonely when you’re considered the weirdo in school.

About that cutting problem, well, it doesn’t happen anymore, even though after what just happened, I want to do it again. I don’t view the cutting problem as signs of frustration. I saw it as deserved punishment for being failure in life. When I’m broken, negative, and insane, I toss aside the problem as being a dirty attention whore. 5 years of the best grades and suddenly I’m failing? Lots of stress inbound. I broke in Integrated Math 2 Honors class when I see that our first individual test had me as one of the failures. A 60%. I’m there with my hands to my head wondering how everyone’s just so normal when most of the class failed as well. The teacher, even being the nice guy he is, said bluntly and straightforward that the scores prove that most of us shouldn’t really be in the class, hinting that a majority of the class failed. Even then I don’t care about that. I’m stressed by my mother’s and father’s academic expectations to the point where it’s crushing me like a dilating cage. Eventually, my group is still horsing around and them acting that way broke me since they’re still being typical and I wasn’t. I look around for the sharpest possible object. Kindergarten scissors was what I found. I grab them and start attempting to get the blades pierce my skin. They don’t. My group notices and assume I’m just horsing around like them. Until I keep on and it actually starts making scratches. At this point they’re extremely concerned about me and the student next to me has me stop when he puts a hand on my shoulder and says firmly, “Stop.” What really got me to cut things out (What a shitty pun.) was another one of the students at my table group calling the teacher. He notices it and sends me to counseling. My counselor calls up my mother in person and we all discuss. I promise to not cut again, which I broke once but never did after that. Funnily, I want to do it right now this night.

More incidents include me telling a girl in Biology class to go kill herself when she said her life was stressing. Everyone’s against me and I’m not in the mood to apologize because I didn’t honestly believe her to just forgive me after I say, “I’m sorry.” Rather, I demanded that the class give me a knife so I could cut again. This leads into things that a really fuzzy.

I want to talk more, but my mom’s getting impatient with me not giving her my laptop. I’ll just have to state what happened today.

I’m coming home from school and I’m talking out a few problems with Snow. Eventually, I see that Chryses banned himself again. I jokingly wonder and ask if he banned himself to test the functionality of the bot, to which everyone says “No.” I find out that while I was gone, everything in the server got renamed to “Potbor“ (an anagram of RobTop) and some people couldn’t handle it and broke. I get curious and talk about it. Worst decision. Chryses starts blaming himself for starting it and Invertia as a whole goes through #serious hell. I leave and continue talking with Snow Fox. I tell him about my insanity of the problem of my homicidal ideation aiming for everyone in Invertia and my friends. It saw the demon in me taking over and mentally and emotionally breaking everyone. It didn’t care about any action done against it. It just does anything to break everyone. Cakey, Chryses, Randy, everyone. It just doesn’t stop until everyone in that server is a broken mess behind a screen. After I’m done, I go back to Invertia and see that the hell has gone so far that most of the recent events in #serious are deleted. I get the idea to copy+paste the entire insanity rant I posted in the DM and paste it onto a text document as proof as to what kind of demon inside me exists. I post it in one server, and then, out of boredom, I decide to send it to Lockstep. Worst decision I have made in my life. Lockstep needed time alone after the hell in Invertia, so I post silence followed by a simple “See you tomorrow.“ He does say goodbye, which is followed by a prompt blocking. I guess he doesn’t know but I’ll say it: that blocking reminded of the artist I looked up to for years blocking me back then. And that time back then, I was demonic. I eventually post things that say in other words, “Lockstep, if you’re angry, kill me already.“ He doesn’t take it well and assumes I’m making him the villain, from what I’ve seen in a post by TriTron. That post just snaps into my head and utterly shatters my social side completely. Because now, the guilt complex I’ve had from my parents blaming virtually any problem on me started to increase tenfold. Just seeing how I hurt somebody again, just like last time, my heart shattered and I’m reduced to a crying mess in front of a screen. I keep telling everyone trying to comfort me that my mother’s words, “Everything you touch you break.“, is always true and that I don’t deserve to be forgiven for hurting someone again. All the while, people I know are trying to comfort me, and during then, I honestly didn’t understand. They shook the killing problem of the server I just confessed by promising to stop me, and that they had a lot of hits to take before they break. I remember telling Cloudburst that I’ll remind her of her parents and her failures and that nobody cares for her, but seeing me type those hateful words make me realize that I’m a monster again, which is followed by the physical, broken mess of me and my online self to simply just cry out, “GOD FUCK JUST STOP!“ Everyone’s still trying to comfort me and I’m still a broken mess. I pass out because I try to forget everything. It doesn’t work and my mom comes home seeing me huddled on the couch. I don’t reply and tell her to leave me alone. 

I guess that’s it for now. My mom’s going to be really pissed if I don’t turn this in. I’ll just finish this off with a couple of mentions.

Lockstep, if you’re reading this, then...well... I don’t know. Just seeing what I did to you made me realize I’m still an ass sometimes.

Cloudburst, Randy, if you’re reading this, I just appreciate the company now. It’s funny how you two are making the same promise I made to you. I feel pathetic.

Snow Fox, if you’re reading this...I don’t know. I don’t even have the courage to talk to you anymore after realizing how much I screwed up. I’m just afraid of just more angry reactions from you, or maybe Lockstep. I just fuck up my life a lot in general.

Last thing, to everyone else, if you’re reading this, an announcement. 

I’m probably going to be extremely inactive. My status will be invisible until I feel better, which is probably going to be never. I’ll probably still be in Cloudburst’s server or talking with anyone else. Feel free to message me if you want, but for right now, I’m just going inactive with nobody really knowing where I am. If you want to know what’s going on, you can ask somebody I know and trust and I’ll allow them to tell you what I’m talking to them about right now. For now, I have to go to sleep. 

.....

Goodbye for now.