#hey look i'm writing yoi meta now

[charlie-minion]

Stay close to me, don’t go!

I have just realized something that has blown my mind! In Yuri on Ice episode 9, when Vicktor and Yuuri reunited at the airport, Yuuri asked Viktor to take care of him until he retires (there was a translation error in that scene; for more info read this post until the end). Yuuri didn’t ask Viktor to be his coach until retirement, he asked him to take care of him, in a personal relationship, not in a professional one. That’s why Viktor said it sounded like a marriage proposal –though both understood and reacted to the whole situation differently. These two need to seriously improve their communication skills because all their misunderstandings happened for not expressing openly what they really wanted. Everybody has thought that Viktor telling Yuuri that he wished he’d never retire was beautiful, but that was the exact moment Yuuri realized he had no choice but retire.

This is going to get really long, so read more after the cut. (Also, I had screenshots ready for this post, but Tumblr decided to be a jerk about it and didn’t let me upload ANY of them). 

At the end of episode 9, Yuuri decided he would retire after the Grand Prix Final, but he didn’t talk to Viktor about it. We saw Yuuri worry about what would happen after the GPF in episodes 8 and 9. In episode 8, it was when Yuri said that Yuuri would suffer a miserable defeat in Moscow. In that moment, Yuuri thought, “If I can’t rank higher than fourth in this event, I won’t make it to the GPF. And if I don’t, what will Viktor do?”

Some minutes earlier Viktor had said to the media that until the GPF was over, he wouldn’t comment on any future plans. Nobody knew what Viktor wanted to do after the GPF, not even Yuuri and that pushed him to make his own decision.

When Viktor had to return to Japan and Yuuri had to face the FS program on his own, Yuuri really believed Viktor would leave him after the GFP. He said so while skating, “If I fail here, everything is over”.

And what happened when he thought that? He flubbed his combination jump and remembered that Viktor told him that happened when something was on his mind (aka when he wasn’t focused on expressing his feelings through his skating).  He also remembered when he saw Viktor in the onsen telling him he would be his couch and he would make him win the GPF. The GPF is the first important event in a season. After that there come the Nationals, the Four Continents, and the World Championships. Viktor never talked about those events with Yuuri; hence why Yuuri believed after the GPF everything would be over. He had believed his time with Viktor was limited since the beginning (he said so in ep 4).

What was the next jump Yuuri flubbed in his FS? The one when he was thinking this: “I was able to come this far because Viktor believed in me. If I end here without making the GPF…”

He didin’t finish that idea and two-footed his landing. That’s when he decided to stop thinking about Viktor leaving. At this point Yuuri had to think what would happen to him once Viktor was gone. Would he continue skating or would he retire? During his program, Yuuri realized that he could continue skating with or without Viktor and was thankful for that. In fact, he didn’t want people to think that everything Viktor had taught him had been a waste. In episode 9 Yuuri realized that he’d always skated with the idea to win (even at last year’s GPF), and that he was NOT weak. Viktor just helped him realize that those things were true. In that episode Yuuri thought of Yuri as his rival and said Yuri was an idiot because Yuuri had more stamina than him and could therefore do more challenging jumps. In episode 9, Yuuri realized that skating would be tough with or without Viktor by his side, but he also understood his unique value as a skater. 

That’s why I believe that in that moment Yuuri decided NOT to retire.

That’s when he decided that he would be done when he got the gold with Viktor, that he WOULD get the gold in the GPF as a thank you to Viktor not just for coaching him, but for believing in him and making him stronger through love –a feeling he didn’t even think about until Viktor came to his life.  

At this point Yuuri was certain Viktor would go back to Russia soon. He thought about it while hugging Yakov in the kiss and cry, and he continued to think about it even when he knew that he was one of the 6 to compete in the GPF. While skating his FS, Yuuri was sure he wanted to get gold for Viktor, but after the Rostelecom Cup was over, he remembered he couldn’t count on having Viktor with him forever and there still was the possibility of him not winning gold. What would happen then?

Before Yuri interrupted him, Yuuri said to himself that he would have Viktor step down as his coach but he didn’t say what he was planning afterward. What was Yuuri thinking? Yuuri talked about his career being close to reaching its peak and about really wanting the gold medal. He said the GPF would be his last chance but he didn’t talk about retiring. He thought the GPF would be his last chance to give a gold medal to Viktor and that is confirmed when he said “even if I don’t win gold, I’ll have Viktor step down as coach”.  

The last time Yuuri thought about the possibility of this being his last season was in episode 4 and he wasn’t exactly stronger at that time yet. He said he’d become stronger in ep 5, at the conference when he presented the theme for his new season. In fact, it’s important to notice the way Yuuri talked about himself as “one of the top men’s figure skaters certified by JSF” in episode 6 and as “a figure skater representing Japan” in episode 7. Contrast that with what he said in episode 12, “I’m a dime-a-dozen Japanese figure skater”, repeating what he’d said about himself in episode 1 but with a different tone. He didn’t believe that anymore. He was just trying to convince himself because he’d decided to retire, just as he’d started considering after his defeat in last year’s GPF.

Now the airport scene: Yuuri had a lot to tell Viktor. He probably wanted to thank him for everything and end their coach/student relationship after the GPF, but I don’t think retiring was one of the things he had in mind. That’s why he told Viktor to take care of him until retirement. He didn’t want Viktor to be his coach; he wanted Viktor to stay close to him and not leave him. Yuuri was talking about his personal relationship with Viktor, not the professional one. That’s why he was so happy when Viktor seemed to easily understand and said Yuuri’s words sounded like a marriage proposal. That wasn’t professional; it was 100% personal. But then… Yuuri’s expression changed dramatically.

I suppose you have wondered why Yuuri looked so happy when Viktor mentioned the marriage proposal but started crying the moment Viktor said “I wish you’d never retire”. I have wondered about it too and my interpretation is the following:

To Yuuri, Viktor’s words sounded like the one talking was his coach. Yuuri was basically telling Viktor, ‘stay close to me, let’s grow old together’, and Viktor didn’t get it. (By the way, I’m sure Viktor totally got it, but Yuuri thought he didn’t). In Yuuri’s mind “I wish you’d never retire” suggested something unreal; the real thing was that Yuuri would retire some day and then everything would be over. 

Yuuri thought that Viktor was still talking about skating. He didn’t want Viktor Nikiforov, his coach, to stay with him; he wanted Viktor, the man he’d fallen in love with, and just that. If he continued skating, Viktor would stay but not out of love; he would stay to continue coaching him. That’s why Yuuri was crying when he said “let’s win gold together at the GPF”. Poor Yuuri! He totally misunderstood Viktor.

Yuuri had his imminent retirement in mind. That’s why he bought the rings in episode 10 as a thank-you gift to Viktor for all his help. He blushed every second when he gave the ring to Viktor because he wasn’t stupid; he knew what it meant to him, but he also thought that Viktor wasn’t going to take it that way. He was very wrong, of course, as Viktor himself called them engagement rings later on.

After that, we don’t know what else was going on in Yuuri’s mind. Next time we saw him, he was about to do his SP at the GPF. All his body language showed how down he was feeling. The fact that he thought his coach/student relationship with Viktor would be over and that Viktor would leave him might explain why Yuuri’s last Eros routine gave us a less than friendly face. 

Yuuri spent most of his SP thinking about jumps and scores. He didn’t think about Viktor anymore, probably because according to Yuuri, what was even the point? It was heartbreaking to see how devastated Yuuri felt when he finished his SP. In the meantime, we saw everything that Viktor was thinking and feeling, but Yuuri didn’t because Viktor wouldn’t say anything to him… because Viktor didn’t know what he should give Yuuri.

Then Yuuri saw Viktor watching the other skaters with a pensive or even excited expression at times. The way Viktor reacted to Otabek’s performance affected Yuuri even more because Viktor considered it exotic and fresh. Yuuri probably thought that he was just one skater more in Viktor’s eyes and that Viktor wanted to either return to skating or coach somebody else.

At least we got to see his character growth when he acknowledged that neither his defeat at last year’s GPF nor his performance at this year’s should make him feel any kind of regret because after all he managed to become one of the final six and that was a big deal. Bravo, Yuuri!

Then we got this bomb, “after the final, let’s end this.” Yuuri wanted to thank Viktor for everything and set him free as his coach. He DID NOT expect Viktor to cry. He didn’t think that Viktor cared so much about him outside of skating. That’s why he couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Viktor’s tears. Viktor’s passionate “How can you tell me to return to the ice while saying you’re retiring?” surprised Yuuri enough to take a little longer before making a final decision regarding his future.  

Viktor was completely destroyed after that. His sadness was so obvious that it still breaks my heart. How could Yuuri not notice? Right before Yuuri went on the ice, we saw a flashback of the moment Yuuri decided to retire, the airport scene with Viktor, the moment when Yuuri completely misunderstood Viktor.

Before Yuuri started his FS, Viktor treated him as a student for a moment, and Yuuri noticed the difference. He told Viktor not to suddently start trying to sound like a coach. Then Viktor was Viktor again and stayed true to himself as Yuuri asked him. He had known since episode 2 that Yuuri was a sore loser, so he knew that the only way Yuuri might change his mind about retiring was if he didn’t win gold at the GPF. That’s why Viktor started teasing him with the gold medal he wanted to kiss. He made the medal a tribute to Viktor, a tribute Yuuri wanted to give him since episode 9 anyway, a tribute that in the end Yuuri wouldn’t be able to give him. Viktor knew Yuuri would not accept defeat and simply retire if Yuuri didn’t win gold.

People might say Viktor did something unhealthy and selfish, but I just think he did something very human and easy to relate to. Viktor is not perfect, but he knew Yuuri was making a big mistake and he probably understood that he was doing it so that he (Viktor) could return to skating. He understood Yuuri knew Viktor would stay with him as his coach for as long as he continued to be a competitive skater, but Yuuri didn’t want to hold him back the way figure skating had held him back for 20 years. He understood Yuuri wasn’t being selfish but selfless for Viktor’s sake.

The only thing is that Viktor didn’t want that sacrifice, so he acted accordingly. Yuuri had just turned 24, it was too soon for him to retire; he still had so much to offer and so much to grow as a skater and as a person who deals with anxiety. Viktor knew it and that probably motivated him to act: He hinted at his comeback to Yuuri in the kiss and cry, and he told Yakov he was coming back in front of Yuri. Since episode 10, we know Viktor knew that Yuuri was the one who motivated Yuri to do his best, so Viktor used that and it worked. Yuri actually did his best to win the gold and stop Yuuri from retiring. He won by 0.12, so if he hadn’t added a quad at the end of his program (doing something beyond his limits again), he wouldn’t have won. 

Episode 12 showed us that Viktor understood Yuuri better than Yuuri understood Viktor. Yuuri didn’t want his relationship with Viktor to end at the GPF, not even his coach/student one; he wanted to be in figure skating with Viktor forever, but he didn’t want to kill Viktor as a competitive skater. He wanted Viktor to stay with him and never leave him, but out of love, not out of responsibility as a coach. That’s why Yuuri decided to free him no matter how much it hurt. And Viktor understood that, so he had to find a way to stop it. 

In the end, two things convinced Yuuri not to retire 1) Yuri’s outstanding performance that prevented him from winning gold and 2) Viktor’s comeback to the ice. He offered his silver medal to Viktor, but Viktor still teased him about the gold medal so that Yuuri would finally make up his mind. Yuuri is a sore loser, remember? What was the result? 

He decided NOT to retire! However, and this is very important, Yuuri didn’t ask Viktor to be his coach; he asked him to stay with him in competitive figure skating for one more year. There’s a saying that goes like this: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” Yuuri set Viktor free and, in the end, Viktor’s decision was to return to the ice AND TO STAY CLOSE TO YUURI AND NOT GO anywhere.

That was when Yuuri finally understood that Viktor would stay with him not because he had to, but because he wanted to. That’s why their pair skating was so perfect. They danced for each other the ultimate love song, the ultimate love wish: Stammi vicino non te ne andare… Stay close to me, don’t go.

This anime is going to be the death of me, I swear!