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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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45. Can’t Stop

Hey!

Sorry to let you wait so long I was a bit sick after attending the festival last weekend. But I had a good time there and saw great bands. Maybe you heard of the news that Rock am Ring was evacuated because of a terror threat but luckily nothing happened. It’s a terrible time we live in.

But here is the new chapter. It’s very long, I hope you like it. And I wanted to write a chapter about the Chili’s gig at Rock am Ring/Rock im Park last year. So I hope you have fun reading it :) Thank you for your feedback and nice words! P.S. I added some festival pics into this chapter for the atmosphere! All pics are made by me ;) __________

I was so tired. After almost 11 hours of flying over to Germany I didn’t know which time we had and when was the last time I slept. While Josh could sleep almost the whole flight I was awake watching movies, listening to music or just lying there thinking – at least we were in the first class so we had enough space for sleeping. The band decided to catch an earlier flight so we arrived in Frankfurt on Thursday evening. After being picked up by a shuttle service we checked into the hotel and immediately fell asleep – at least this was what I did after checking in. I didn’t know what Josh did because I was so tired.

I woke up early in the morning. Josh was still sleeping. I noticed that my body and my mind were still in the LA-time zone because I couldn’t sleep through the night. I always woke up every hour just to realize that it’s dark outside and I should sleep. I hated it. I hated this jet lag. I was so jealous of Josh who didn’t have any problem with the jet lag. Anyway, after an early breakfast in the hotel Josh suggested to make a short walk through the city. So we walked through Frankfurt – I was still tired but too awake to sleep. I hated this feeling.

When we came back to the hotel a few fans were waiting there. Josh took his sunglasses on and hoped they wouldn’t notice him but he was wrong. So he greeted them and gave a few autographs. But he didn’t want to take photos with them so he said goodbye and entered the hotel lobby. The fans looked a bit disappointed and I saw that Chad took some more time to talk with them and making pics with the fans.

I realized that Josh was a bit annoyed by the fans. But I really couldn’t understand why because these people were so nice to him and he was kind of pissy. “So what’s wrong with you today?” I asked him when we arrived at our hotel room. “Why?” “Because you reacted like a dickhead to your fans” “What? I talked to them and gave them some autographs” he told me. “Yes but then you just left without saying anything when they asked you for a picture. And they asked VERY politely” “Hm….I wasn’t in the mood” “Yeah, I noticed it….what’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong….I’m just very tired” “Ah right….so you have a jet lag, right? You showed it when talking to fans. You get pissed off” I realized. “Just a little bit. I mean, I’m sorry but….I just didn’t want to take pics with them” “Alright now I know…I mean, you don’t have to. I just saw the disappointment in their faces” “Eileen” Josh sighed. “People don’t always have to take pics all the time, don’t you think? I’m just a normal guy so why should a pic with me make them happy?” “Because they are your fans. They adore you and your band. That’s why. You can make them happy if you say yes and take the pic” “Well….but I’m a private person when I’m not on stage so I don’t have to do it” “But you’re here because of your job. You’re playing the concert tomorrow. You’re headlining the biggest festival in Germany so it’s totally okay that people recognize you aside from the stage and ask you for a pic” “Well….whatever. I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?” “Okay….” We spend the next hours with laying in the hotel bed overcoming our jet lag. I was scrolling through my phone while Josh was playing some tunes on the guitar. He always had a guitar with him. In the meantime he was texting on his phone. Usually I don’t really give it much attention when he’s on his phone texting but this time it let me think who he was texting with. “Who’s so important in your phone?” I asked with a smile on my face so he would notice that I was just making a bit fun. “Um, no one. It’s just Lindsey. She’s from our crew and I was just chatting with her about some stuff. She accompanied us on the last tour as well and now I’m happy she will be on board again” Josh told me while typing into his phone. “Oh okay” I answered. I didn’t want to be jealous or something. I just wanted to know who was so important to him that he interrupted his guitar playing all the time.

I decided to stop thinking about any Lindsey so I looked up the line up of Rock am Ring and realized that it wasn’t that bad! Billy Talent, Volbeat, Tenacious D., Panic! At The Disco, Foals, Black Sabbath and many more! Wow, what a great line up. So I had an idea…. “Hey Josh” I said interrupting his guitar playing. “Yes?” he took his headphones off and looked at me. “What about going to the festival area today? I mean, I know you play tomorrow but we could go there today and have a good time seeing some great bands live! What do you think?” To be honest, Josh didn’t look that happy. But he tried to hide it and suddenly said. “Sure, why not?” and smiled. So Josh called the shuttle service that would bring the band to the venue tomorrow. It was 1.5 hours away from Frankfurt so we decided to check out of the hotel in Frankfurt and find a new hotel in Mendig, the little town near the festival area. So we didn’t have to drive back to Frankfurt tonight just to sleep there and get back to the festival tomorrow for the show.

We arrived in the early evening. After getting our passes we went into the backstage area to get something to drink. It was interesting to see that with Josh being here without his band mates nobody really noticed him. Only a few other musicians saw and greeted him. He also had to identify himself for being the real Josh Klinghoffer who would play the headlining show with his band tomorrow. Otherwise no one would have given him the All Access backstage pass. I think if Anthony or Flea would have come here today no one would’ve asked them for their passport.

After having a drink in the backstage area we went to the stage where Tenacious D. was playing. We enjoyed some songs. I really loved Jack Black because he was one of the craziest guys in Hollywood and the music business. Such a cool and funny dude. And I love Tenacious D! While the guys were still playing I looked up into the sky and already saw some dark clouds. My weather app told me that a thunderstorm was about to come. I hoped it wouldn’t be so bad.

But just a few minutes later the band had to stop their set and a guy from the staff team came on stage to inform us that the festival had to be interrupted because of the coming thunderstorm. And just right after the guy left the stage and the people started walking back to the camping site the world was about to go down. The sky was completely black. It was stormy and rained a lot.

Josh and I went back to the backstage area and took cover from the rain. We waited there several minutes together with some other people. The mood wasn’t that bad because it was only raining. But suddenly there was a big bang and we saw some bright lightning at the sky. Okay, now it wasn’t funny anymore. I saw the big main stage shaking because of the wind. The rain was so heavy that even our rain jackets we brought with us couldn’t prevent us from becoming wet. Josh didn’t look amused. I knew he wasn’t in the mood to come here today but he did it for me. Because I wanted to see some bands here today.

“We should drive back to our hotel” Josh said while we were sitting in the backstage area drinking coffee – although it was June it was very cold here in Germany. “Why?” “Because we’re completely wet from the rain, we’re just sitting here, waiting for the festival to be continued. But that won’t happen anytime soon I guess” Josh told me. “Okay….hm” “I know you wanna see some of the bands who should’ve played today but I don’t think that the festival will be continued tonight. I mean, look out of the window” he pointed at the pouring rain outside. Luckily we could sit in the warm comfort backstage room and didn’t have to sit in a cold tent on the camping site. “Okay, if you want to leave we could leave….” I said sighing. Josh looked at me. He knew exactly that I didn’t want to leave. “So then I call the shuttle service?” “Do it” I said and got up from the sofa. I went back into the lobby of the backstage area. After talking to a few other people there was suddenly some staff member who told us that the festival was about to continue in an hour. Volbeat would hit the main stage then. I ran back to Josh and let him know the news. He rolled his eyes. “I just called the driver” he said. “Okay then you can leave if you want to leave. I’ll call a cab later that night” “No you won’t” he said. “Yes I will” I told him. “Eileen….why do we have to stay here? I have to play a concert here tomorrow. We can watch some bands then if you want” Josh said.

And while he was saying these words I realized that until now we both lived completely different lifestyles. While I was the one who attended festivals in the past and went to concerts of my favorite bands, Josh was the one who would be one of the musicians on stage. He was here for work, he had to tour through Europe the next weeks to play some more festivals. For him it was work while for me it could’ve been an enjoyable time at a festival. I completely missed reality here. I thought Josh and I could have a good time at Rock am Ring and Rock im Park but truth was, he wanted to rest until tomorrow night when the Chilis would hit the stage. He had to do some interviews before the gig but that’s all he wanted to do at this weekend. But I on the other hand was totally excited to join him on tour for the first time in Europe. I wanted to see some bands here at the festivals and didn’t care about the fact that for him it was his daily work to go on stage and play a concert for the people out there. Sure he liked watching some other bands at a festival but not when it was raining cats and dogs. While he was playing on stage for the people I was one of the people he was playing for – at least now I felt this way. I didn’t think about it so I felt bad that I was so selfish and convinced him to drive to the festival area with me today. “We don’t have to stay here” I let him know. “We can leave now” “No we don’t. I’ll call the driver and tell him that he can pick us up after Volbeat’s gig, okay?” Josh said and I could see a little smile on his face. “I love you” I whispered and pecked him – I mean not everyone had to see us kissing here backstage.

So we watched the Volbeat show from the side of the stage. The rain stopped and all the other concerts could be played. Volbeat were great and even Josh agreed with me that they were a worthy headliner at this festival.

We came back into our tiny little hotel in Mendig in the middle of the night. Because we were both completely perished we took a hot shower and then fell into our bed. Tomorrow would be a long day.

The next day started with a lot of rain again. While Josh and I had delicious breakfast I was thinking about the people out there on the camping site. “You know, I love festivals. I went there myself when I was younger and I just loved it” I told Josh. “Really?” “Yes” “I never thought you would be a festival person” “What? Why not?” “Because you’re a girl and I always thought that especially for girls festivals aren’t a place they want to be” “WTF? My friend…..who told you so?” I started laughing. “I love festivals! I love the energy, the people, the mood, the atmosphere….it’s just great. If you’re at a festival you can completely forget about your daily life” “Okay, maybe you’re right. But isn’t it ugly there? Especially the toilets? Or shower?” “Josh” I grinned at him. “I survived it several times, okay? Look at me, I’m not a pussy. I’m a strong girl and I love rock music and I love concerts and festivals. And if I want to attend one then I will do it. No matter if there are only honey buckets and no showers. I’m there to enjoy the music and the atmosphere and if you’re there with the right people you can have the best time of your life at these weekends” “Well….okay maybe you convinced me that you’re a festival girl” Josh laughed. After breakfast Josh called the other band members to get to know when he should be at the venue. So we went back to the festival area in the early afternoon.

It was still raining but I had the feeling that the rain was about to stop. Well, at least I was thinking positive. Josh and I met the others backstage and he went into their dressing room to have a short meeting for discussing the set list for tonight. While they were having their band meeting I was having some tea and donuts at the buffet. But I had the feeling that it wasn’t the same like being on the REAL festival area. So I took on my gumboots and my rain jacket – yes I brought them with me to the festival – and decided to take a walk over the festival area. I just loved it. Little by little the festival feeling came back to me when I saw people dancing in the rain and in the mud. The first bands started playing and I just enjoyed the moment. I remembered my favorite festival moment. It was a few years ago – actually I think it was already ten years ago – when I attended a festival with my girlfriends. We were walking over the festival area heading to the main stage. It was in the early evening and the sun was about to go down. The Pixies were playing at that time and just when we arrived at the stage they played the intro of “Where Is My Mind”. I was looking into the sky and back to the stage and just enjoyed this special moment that would be forever in my heart.

But back to today’s festival. I watched people in the Ferris wheel and had a beer. Later I decided to buy me some typical festival food. When I was studying in Germany a few years ago I attended a festival called Hurricane festival and there I started my love for one special festival food: Handbrotzeit. Yes, it’s a typical German food. It’s bread filled with A LOT of cheese and bacon or mushrooms and on top of it there is sour cream. It’s just the best I’ve ever eaten! And it belonged to the festival feeling like headbanging or honey buckets.

I took a short pic of my favorite festival food and send it over to Lara who had to work in Berlin this evening. Otherwise Josh could’ve invited her to the festival but she didn’t have time.

Just a few minutes later I received her response.

“Wowwwwwwww, I LOVE IT! Handbrot Love <3 I hope you have a great time at Rock am Ring and I hope that the Chilis can play tonight because of the bad weather. Fingers crossed! So and here’s something I found today on a newspaper website. Seems like Josh isn’t noticed by many people even at a festival :D”

Then I opened the picture Lara sent me. It showed Josh and me in our rain jackets standing under a beer stall in the backstage area to take cover from the rain.

“What do you mean, a newspaper posted?”

I asked Lara.

“One local newspaper from Cologne posted it on their website with the headlining ‘festival visitors hiding from the rain’ and I thought ‘WTF I know these two people!’. And I was right. Even in your rain jackets I recognized you. It’s so funny. The guy who took the pic must’ve thought he only pictured some festival visitors but instead he pictured the guitarist from the headlining band :D” ”Wow, that’s really funny! I have to show it to Josh!” When I went back to the backstage area I saw Josh standing there talking to some guys, I suggested that these were some other musicians. So I waited until they left and I went over to him grinning. “Why are you so happy?” he wondered but smiled. “Because Lara sent me some funny things. Oh and because I had a Handbrot” “A what?” “A bread filled with much of cheeeeeeeeese!” “Oh sometimes you’re so German” Josh laughed and rolled his eyes. “I know” I agreed with him and took my phone out of my pocket. “Look at this, do you know these people?” Josh looked at the pic on my phone and after a few minute he started smiling. “Are we the so called festival visitors?” “I think so” “What a funny story” “You’re so unrecognizable” ”Yeah but look at us, we’re both wearing some rain jackets with a hood so how should someone recognize me?” “I don’t know I thought people who are working at a festival taking pictures know the musicians who play there” “No not always. And that’s great” he smiled and put his arm around me. We went back into his dressing room where we spent some time until Josh had to do two interviews.

One hour later Josh came back into the dressing room where I was sitting and waiting for a few minutes after watching a local band on the second main stage. “Hey, oh you’re here?” he wondered. “I thought you’re at the festival area” “Yeah, I just came back to drink something” “Okay so…um, do you wanna come with us?” Josh said. Only now I realized that he wasn’t on his own. He was accompanied by a red head lady. Without introducing me to her I knew that it was Lindsey. “Where do you wanna go?” I asked and smiled at Lindsey who smiled back at me. “Hey, I’m Lindsey” she said and we shook hands and I introduced myself. Josh didn’t say a word. “We wanna see a local band. Lindsey knows them, I don’t really know them but we wanna see them because maybe they could be our opening act for the upcoming concerts in Germany in fall” Josh told me then. “Oh okay….um, well okay why not”

So we went to the club tent where the band was playing. It was a really good live band who played a mixture of alternative and electronic rock and I liked it but it was nothing special to me. But Lindsey and Josh seemed to like it. They were chatting and making fun the whole time. I was standing next to him, feeling like I was a bit invincible. Okay Eileen, I said to myself. Stop reacting bitchy, stop being jealous. She’s just a crew member. Plus, she was very nice to me! Although I really wondered where she was when I was at their gigs on their last tour. I never saw her but according to Josh she was with them on the last tour. Whatever. The concert was over and I wanted to go to the other stage to see some other bands.

“I’m going to the main stage to see Foals, are you coming with me?” I asked Josh and looked him directly in the eyes. But he was looking at Lindsey who was shaking her head. “No, I wanna rest a bit and then prepare for the concert later that night.” Josh told me. I didn’t show him that I was a bit disappointed because in the back of my mind there was still the fact that Josh was here for working and not for having fun watching other bands so I understood his decision. I went back to the main stage on my own and watched Foals from the side of the stage. Thanks to my musician-boyfriend I had some All Access backstage passes and could go nearly everywhere I wanted.

After Foals played it started to rain again and there was also a thunderstorm. I hated it. It was the same as yesterday. When I arrived backstage in the Chilis’ room I saw the band discussing something. “So we can’t play later, am I right?” Flea said. “No we can’t. Our tour manager says we have to take our flight to Nuremberg after the gig” Josh said. “Really? But why? We can go there tomorrow” Flea seemed a bit pissed off. “But I wanna play for the audience and I don’t wanna leave this place without playing just because our time schedule doesn’t allow us to play after 11pm. It’s fucking bullshit! I could play in the middle of the night!” Flea got angry. “I know….me too but you know our tour manager” “Yeah but we’re the band”

I entered the room and Flea looked at me smiling. “There you are. You seem to enjoy the festival, aren’t you?” he asked me. “Yes, of course. Great bands!” “Definitely! I wish I would’ve more time to see some of them” he told me. “But I’m so happy so finally see you here again Eileen. You’re smiling and that’s a good thing. After everything that happened to you, I’m so happy that you decided to come with us to have a good time. I mean, it’s not easy to get over something like that but time will heal the wounds, believe me. I know what I’m talking about” Flea let me know. “Thank you. I’m feeling much better in the last weeks. I needed some time but I think it’s getting better and better with every day” “Sure it will” he said. In this moment the tour manager came back into the room. Seemed like he had a discussion with the festival manager. “So guys, listen” he said. “We’re gonna play the headliner show at 11pm. Nothing changes. But because of the weather the other bands who would’ve played before our show, play after our show. I think it’s Billy Talent. But most important is: our time schedule doesn’t change. So you can keep preparing for the show in three hours” the manager told the band. Everyone seemed to be relieved. The weather was still bad but they would be able to play their headliner concert.

I was spending the next three hours with having some delicious food in the backstage area and then waiting, waiting, waiting. Because no other band was playing at that time due to the rain outside I didn’t have anything else to do. I watched Josh who played guitar and started to warm up his voice a little bit. Then we talked a bit but were interrupted by Lindsey again. She wanted to show something to Josh. Well, I wasn’t interested in it so I left the room and took a walk through the backstage area. When I was looking at my phone screen I suddenly bumped into someone. “Sorry” I mumbled and didn’t really look at the guy I bumped into but now the guy was talking to me. “Eileen????” he asked me. I looked up from my phone into his face and couldn’t believe it. “Felix?” There was this skinny blonde guy standing right in front of me. He wore a grey skinny jeans and a white T-shirt. His face was covered by black sunglasses although the sun wasn’t shining anymore. But now I knew who he was. I got to know him during my year I was studying in Berlin. We partied a lot together during this year. And now he was standing here in the backstage area of Rock am Ring. “What are you doing here?” was the first question he was asking me. “I’m here with someone” “Oh you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who plays or works here?” he joked. “Yes, something like this” “So how are you? Long time no see!” “I’m fine, what about you? Why are you here?” “I’m working for one of the sponsoring companies here and that’s why I’m here at this festival in the backstage area” he grinned. “Great….wow 90k people here and we even meet!” “See, that’s the great thing about festivals” Felix laughed. “Hey uhm, I have to go now but what about having some drinks later after the Chili Peppers played? Are you seeing them?” “Yes I will” I answered. If he would know…. “Good then I think we’ll see each other at the bar” he laughed and proceeded. Wow, how small the world can be.

The Chili Peppers were about to hit the stage. Only 50 minutes left. I didn’t want to bother Josh so I told him I would already leave the backstage and go to the side of the stage but he didn’t let me. “Please, stay with me for a few more minutes” he said with a smile on his face and took my hand. I was a bit surprised because the whole day I didn’t have the feeling he wanted me around him. “Okay” I answered. “It’s not that often that my girlfriend is at one of my shows and I really wanna spend the minutes before the show with you than with any other person” he let me know. I sat down at his lap and put my arms around his neck. Then I softly started kissing him. It felt good. It felt very good. For the first time in weeks we were kissing and cuddling like a real couple again. After the miscarriage I didn’t feel like being close to someone or even having sex again. I just didn’t want it and Josh accepted it. But now I felt like wanting it again. So we kissed and took off our clothes until we were almost completely naked but then…. “Stop….please stop it okay?” I told him. Josh was confused. “Did I do something wrong?” he asked me. “No….it’s just….I can’t do that right now” “Okay….um, we can stop if you want.” He said. “But are you feeling okay?” “Yes” I smiled. “It’s okay. I just thought that it was too fast” “Too fast?” “Like….we only have 25 minutes left and I don’t want the fast train. I prefer a slow train, you know” “Okay” he smiled and kissed me before dressing up again. “It’s totally okay if you wanna wait. Something terrible happened to you and I don’t wanna force you do to something, okay?” Josh let me know after sitting next to me, his arm around my neck. “Yes, thank you. I mean, honestly. Thank you that you’re so understanding with me and my sick behavior” “It’s not a sick behavior Eileen. What happened to you is scheisse and although it was also me who lost the baby I cannot imagine how it must’ve been for you. Because it was in your body. It was part of you” “Thank you….really, you’re the best I can imagine” “You’re the best” “And I like how you pronounced Scheisse” I laughed. “Really?” “Yes, you’re doing very well” “Ha! Siehst!” ”Siehste. It means, siehste (see)!“

Josh laughed but immediately got up from the sofa when he realized that the show was about to begin in ten minutes. While he was running to the stage to get his guitar I was walking behind him and finally getting my place at the side of the stage. The others were already standing there but I didn’t think that someone noticed Josh’s absence because of….whatever we did. Only Ian was grinning all over his face while handing Josh his guitar. Then he looked at me and started grinning again. Yes, I think he had his own thoughts on the matter.

The show was about to begin. The intro started and Josh gave me a kiss before hitting the stage. I was a bit surprised because I always thought he didn’t want to show our romance in the public. The woman next to me smiled at me as if she wanted to say “Wow, you’re so lucky to have him as your boyfriend”.

The Chili Peppers started their intro and I was so excited. I never saw the band playing in Germany so this was very special for me. The audience liked it and they were singing along the popular songs. Surely the band mostly played hits because they were at a festival. But the audience even liked the new songs the band played. Before the encore the band left the stage for a few minutes. Josh was smiling at me before getting his next guitar for the last two songs. I smiled back and for a few seconds I forgot that there were more than 90k people out there waiting for the band to play some more songs. I forgot that the other band members were here plus the engineers. I completely forgot that we were at a festival and imagined we were on our own, just the two of us. But then Josh went back on stage to play the last songs. The audience applauded. Just when the Chilis left the stage I saw a familiar face again. It was Felix. “Hey, you’re here? Great concert, right? I love the Chili Peppers!” he smiled all over his face. “They are” I said. “And they played so many great hits. Wow, one of the best headliners in the last years” “Are you here every year?” I wanted to know. “Yes, at least for the past five years. Back then when the festival was at the Nürburgring” “Oh right” I remembered that back in the days the festival was taking place at the Nürburgring, a famous Formel 1 route. Just then Josh came back from the stage, his guitar still in his hand. Felix was looking at Josh a bit in shock. As if he couldn’t believe that Josh was standing right in front of him.

“Hey, what’s up?” Josh laughed. “Did you enjoy our concert?” he asked me. I nodded. “Yes of course!” I let him know. “You were great as always” “Okay….good to know because I had the feeling we had a bit of a bad sound quality today” “Josh, please stop criticizing okay? It was great!” “Okay” he grinned. “So um, you two know each other?” Felix interrupted our conversation. “Who are you?” Josh asked him with a skeptical face. “I’m Felix, an old friend of Eileen from Berlin” Felix introduced himself and he and Josh shook hands. Although Josh was nice and kind as always I could see a bit of jealousy in his face. “So your concert was just the best! I’m a huge fan!” Felix let Josh know. “Thanks man” he responded. “So um Eileen, what about having some beers back in the backstage?” Felix asked me. “Yes, I think I will join you later” “Really? Great, I’ll be at the Becks beer stall” he let me know. “Okay, so I think we’ll see each other later” I told him and Felix had to leave.

“So who is Felix?” Josh asked on our way back to the dressing room. “Just a guy from Berlin” “Just a guy?” “What….are you jealous?” I asked grinning why holding his hand. “No….I just wanna know who he is and why he is backstage here at the festival” “He’s working here that’s why he’s here” “And you know him from Berlin?” “Yes when I studied there for one year I met him. He’s a friend of Lara” “Oh okay….” Although we didn’t talk about it anymore I noticed that Josh was a bit jealous. Well, then he should be. I mean, he was the one who wanted to see some bands with Lindsey and not with me, right? So he should be a bit jealous I thought and grinned.

While Josh was showering I went to the beer stall to meet Felix. We talked a lot about our lives, what we did in the last years and which bands we saw at the festival. I really liked Felix. He was a funny tall guy, always a smile on his face. I didn’t notice that Josh joined us. But he let me know it while kissing me. I reacted a bit surprised because it was in public and he always said he didn’t want that. Now he did it twice today. Felix looked surprised as well. Then I remembered that I didn’t mention to him that Josh was my boyfriend. Josh told me that we have to leave in an hour. The tour manager agreed to stay the night in the hotel and fly to Nuremberg tomorrow morning. “But we have to catch the driver okay? So at 2am he will drive us to the hotel” Josh told me and then he left to have some beers with Chad. “Hey do you wanna see Billy Talent?” Felix asked me and I agreed. So we went back to the stage to see the Canadian band. Originally they had to play the slot before the Chilis but due to the thunderstorm they were playing after the headliner. After five minutes I noticed that the audience celebrated the band much more than the Chilis. Maybe it was because of singer Benjamin who always told some funny stories and talked about the weather and about the injured people – there were people who got injured by a lightning strike.

While the people were celebrating to Billy Talent’s music I was enjoying my time here at the festival, a cold beer in my hands. When I got my phone out of my pocket to make a picture I saw some messages by Lara.

“Look, now the rhcp fans recognized Josh as well in this picture! And everyone is wondering who the girl next to him is. You’re the mysterious girl!”

Lara texted me and showed me some screenshots from Instagram where people were discussion the rain pic of Josh and me.

“Oh, absolutely. I’m so mysterious. BTW I met Felix today here at the festival!”

“WTF! THE Felix? DER Felix????”

“Yes, the one that got away….”

I remembered that Lara was in love with him for years but it never worked out. They had a thing going on and to all of us they looked like a couple but in the end he ended it because he was too busy with his work. Lara was crying a whole month. But a few months later they decided to stay friends – I don’t have to mention that they weren’t only friends. They were never only friends.

“What is he doing? Does he know about you and J?”

“He’s doing quite well. He’s looking good so I think he’s happy with his job and his life. I didn’t mention anything about J and me but he saw us kissing so….I guess he knows” Felix looked at me. “Important messages?” he asked me. “Well, just a friend of mine who texted me” “Or does Josh text you?” he grinned. “Why should he do that?” “I don’t know” Felix laughed. “I didn’t think you have a thing going on with a rockstar” “Josh is not a real rockstar….” ”Come on Eileen, he’s playing in the Chili Peppers. Sure he is a rockstar” “Whatever that means….” ”That means that he’s getting all the ladies here” he laughed. “At least the ladies that aren’t here for Anthony” “Well, sorry to say that but I think you’re wrong” “I saw him flirting with a red head a few hours ago. So believe me, you’re not the only girl for him” “Wait….what did you say?” “I saw him with a red head” “Did she wear a blue shirt?” “Yes she did” Lindsey! “And what did they do?” “Well, they laughed and were shaking around. I guess it looked like flirting but I don’t know him….I saw him on tour five years ago and he was like that before. He flirted with a girl and I saw him leaving the venue with another one” “Aha” “Sorry, I thought you’re casual?” “Casual? What do you mean?” “Come one Eileen, I thought you’re just a girl he invites on tour so he can have fun?” What? What did he say? No, I’m not! I wasn’t just a girl Josh invites on tour just to have fun after the concert! “No, I’m not” I said a bit angry. “Whatever that means” “Well, I think it’s normal that rockstars invites young girls on tour to have fun with them. Everyone does it.” “Everyone?” “Yes, at least many” “Everyone except of Josh” I told him. “Okay” Felix laughed. “What makes you so sure about that?” “Because I’m his girlfriend” I told him. “Oh surely” Felix laughed. But when I didn’t laugh he stopped it and looked at me with a serious face. “Oh well, you’re really dating Josh Klinghoffer?” “Yes, for more than one year now. Actually we were dating for nine months before we broke up but get together one year ago. So almost two years if you count it together” “Oh okay….wow I didn’t think that. Sorry” “It’s okay” I sighed. “How can you know that” “But well….So I don’t think he really flirted with this girl” “I know who he is” I said. “Who?” “A crew member” “Hm….so maybe they’re just friends” “Well….whatever. I try to calm down and go back to my boyfriend just to get back to the hotel where we’re staying in. I don’t wanna make a scene. I’m totally calm” I said to Felix and to myself and excused me. “Hey, um I’m at Rock im Park tomorrow as well, let me know if you wanna meet” Felix told me and gave me his number. Then I left and went back to the backstage area where Josh was sitting on a couch, headphones on his ears. I saw Lindsey passing by together with Flea. They were shaking and laughing and totally cool. So maybe it was just her attitude. Maybe she was like that all the time. I shouldn’t be jealous. “Hey, wanna go?” I asked Josh and he looked at me, put his phones away and got up from the couch.

Back in our hotel room I went showering. I thought about what Felix told me about Josh. Surely it was only what he saw and Felix didn’t know who the girls were that left the venue with Josh. Maybe some friends, maybe crew members, maybe a girlfriend? But if I was honest with myself, I didn’t believe my suggestions. It could’ve been some hook ups. Some hook ups he had on tour. I mean, it’s totally okay to have it – if he was single. But it worried me a bit. What if….no I didn’t wanna think it further. So I stopped thinking about it, got out of the shower and went into our bedroom – completely naked.

I started kissing Josh. Now I wanted to continue what we started before the concert. This time I was sure about it. I really wanted it. And I took over the reins. I undressed him and we fell into our bed. “Wow, you’re so wild today” Josh laughed. “I thought you prefer the slow train?” “Well, I do. Believe me” I grinned before continuing kissing. After kissing wildly we stopped and continued slowly. It was good to feel this way again. For the first time since the accident I felt like a woman again. And it felt good.

“I’m so tired” Josh was moaning the next morning when the alarm clock went off. “Come on, we have to get up to catch the flight!” I said pulling him out of the bed. “I don’t wanna get up” “Josh, you have to play a concert today so get up now” I laughed. “But I wanna stay. With you” he looked me in the eyes. “Well, puppy eyes can’t change my mind. We have to catch a plane” “But I have to get out of the bed to do so. That sucks” “Yeah but you chose to spent the night with sex so you should be able to get up now” I joked. “Well you chose it. You decided. I couldn’t do anything against it” he laughed. “Really?” “Yes, I’m a man. I’m aroused easily. Especially when a woman is running towards you completely naked” he let me know. “Okay, I forgot about that” I said. “But please get up!” “Eileen” Josh said and I saw that he changed into a serious face again. “Yes?” “I’m happy that you’re back. That we’re trying to be normal. Whatever that means but we’re doing our best, right? We can do it together. We will have a normal life again. I know it. And last night was the best night I’ve ever had in months” he said and kissed me. Wow, I felt that I blushed. “Thank you…..honestly….thank you for being here” I said putting my hands around his waist to lay my head on his shoulder.

We arrived in Nuremberg at noon. First we headed to the hotel but Josh and I didn’t want to spend our day at the hotel so we decided to take a short walk through the city and later we went to the festival area. It was a historical place where Rock im Park is taking place every year. It’s the Nazi party rally grounds where Hitler did his speeches. I told Josh about it and while walking through the backstage area we passed the main stand of the former so called “Zepellinfeld” where an anti nazi flag was hanging. Later I read that a German band put the flag on it. “Wow, you know so much about German history. It’s always a pleasure listening to you” Josh smiled. “Well, I studied it so I should know something about German but also American history” I laughed. “But still….I love it” he grinned and kissed me. Back in the backstage area Josh wanted to rest a bit. I was walking over to the festival area. I wanted to feel the festival atmosphere again. After watching a local band I decided to buy some delicious food for Josh and me. So I bought us some Handbrot and went back into his dressing room. I don’t have to mention that the security guy at the door looked at me with a confused face because I was bringing some expensive festival food into the backstage area where all the food is inclusive. Whatever. No one here had Handbrot so I had to buy it. It belongs to a festival. Period.

But when I knocked on Josh’s door and opened it he didn’t even notice it. He was sitting there with Ian and Lindsey discussion something. “Hey, sorry don’t mind me” I said and closed the door. Josh was looking at me, but his facial expression didn’t change. “What are you doing here?” he seemed surprised. “Um I was at the festival ground and bought us some Handbrot. I thought maybe you want something to eat?” “Yes” he sighed. “Well, but um actually I’m not hungry but thanks” he said. Okay. That was weird. Ian stood up from the sofa where the three were sitting on and passed me. “I have to check some cables” he told the others and smiled at me before leaving the room. Josh and Lindsey kept talking and I had the feeling he didn’t really paid attention to me. I was standing there for a few more minutes – at least it felt like that – while the others were discussing some songs the band wanted to play live today. “Okay um Josh, do you wanna eat it or not?” I asked after a few minutes of waiting and standing there. “No thanks” he answered without looking at me. Okay. That’s it, I thought. I left the room and walked through the backstage area with an angry face. I was pissed off. Pissed off by my boyfriend who didn’t even pay attention to me. I mean, he didn’t have to eat it or to talk to me and spend time with me if he didn’t have time to do it. But he could’ve looked at me, right? He could’ve told me “Sorry, I don’t have time. Maybe later” or something like that. But instead he didn’t even look at me. I was angry and sad and disappointed and pissed off.

So I went back to the festival area and sat down at the Park stage, the smaller stage, to eat both Handbrote.

I spent my afternoon at the stage, listening to some music, thinking about Josh and me and what went wrong today. Or should I say, what went wrong at the weekend? I never saw him like that. He seemed busy and pissed off. I knew that he was here for working but why didn’t he even pay attention to something I asked him? I couldn’t understand it. Maybe it was good that I lost the baby. I mean, how should we raise a child if we can’t even pay attention at ourselves? I was looking at the other people who were here to have fun at the festival. And I missed these times I had with my friends back in the days.

We were like them. We attended festivals, we slept there in a tent, breakfasted with beer, we survived rain and thunderstorms and saw the best live bands in the world. It was a great time and I really missed it. Now that we’re all old and grown ups no on has time for a festival weekend. “Oh I have to work”, “I’m too busy at the weekend with baby showers or weddings” or “Sorry but I’m too old for this shit” were the most common responses I got when I asked them in the last years. But now that I was with Josh it was great to travel with him, see all the beautiful places with him and spend an entire weekend with him at a festival. But maybe I forgot that he was here for work. He didn’t even want to have a good time with watching bands or so. He wanted to rest and a part of me could understand it but the other part of me was pissed off. Was I too selfish? I thought we could have a good time here at the festivals. I didn’t think he would like to spend his time at his dressing room. Maybe I was too selfish….

When I was walking back to the backstage area Josh and Lindsey came towards me. And I couldn’t believe it. They were both holding something to eat in their hands! Wow, one hour ago he wasn’t hungry at all but now he bought himself some pizza. “Wow, so now your hunger must be huge” I said in a sarcastic voice. Josh didn’t quite understand what I said. “Why?” “No reason. Just….whatever, I thought you weren’t hungry at all” “I wasn’t. But Lindsey and I thought it would be a great idea to take a walk at the festival area to buy us something delicious to eat. You know, the buffet in the backstage area isn’t that good and….” Josh explained to me but I didn’t care. Instead I interrupted him. “Yeah it’s not that good so you decided to take a walk here. An idea your girlfriend had just a few hours ago but monsieur didn’t want to. He preferred to stay in his dressing room. But now you’re here, walking over the festival ground with Lindsey. Why am I not surprised about that?” “Eileen, what’s wrong? We were hungry so we thought we buy us something to eat” “Yeah….sure….that’s what you do. And when your girlfriend bought you something to eat you didn’t care. You didn’t even look at me.” I started screaming at him. Josh looked at me with a surprised face. I think he didn’t expect me to react like that. “You know what I think? Do you wanna know what I think?” “What do you think?” he said rolling his eyes. “Maybe it’s good that be both lost the baby because I don’t wanna have a father who has never time for his child because of his fucking job!”

And then I went away. I had tears in my eyes but I didn’t want Josh to see it. So I went straight forward into the backstage area and locked myself in the toilet. I waited there and a part of me hoped that Josh would follow me but he didn’t. Maybe I reacted too childish and too harsh but these were my feelings and my thoughts. Maybe my reaction was too emotional and overreacted but I was so disappointed by him. What if I would have the baby and Josh would never find the time to care for us? To be here for us? If he didn’t even find the time for his girlfriend?

Maybe it was all too much for me in the last weeks. Maybe I wasn’t ready to go abroad for a festival where Josh would play with the band. I didn’t know what I expected but I expected that Josh and I could spent some time together – not only in the hotel room at night. Was I expecting too much?

I didn’t see Josh until the evening when the Chili Peppers would hit the stage. I wasn’t at the stage when they entered it. I didn’t want to. But when the band started their intro I went back to the stage to see the show. Josh looked at me sometimes when he switched his guitar but I didn’t change my facial expression. I was still mad at him and he knew that. I noticed that a red head lady was standing next to me. It was Lindsey. Wow, that’s all I needed now!

“Josh is just a bit pissed off in the last days” she suddenly told me. Okay, why did she tell me? It’s not that I didn’t know him! “He’s isn’t satisfied with the sound so he got angry and mad” “Aha” I answered. “Don’t be too hard with him. I can understand that you wanna spent some time with him but….he is here for working you know?” “Yes I know. But he behaved very badly today” “I know….sometimes he can be a dickhead” Lindsey laughed. Honestly, I wanted to be mad at her as well because she was the one who spent time with Josh but she was so nice. I couldn’t be mad at her. And I felt a bit awkward to let her know that I was his girlfriend. I mean, I wasn’t 19 yet, right? I was 30 and I should behave like a grown up woman. So I was nice to Lindsey because she was nice to me and I trusted Josh. He wasn’t flirting with her. They were only good pals. So I smiled at her and she smiled back.

The band played their encore and came back from stage. While Anthony went straight toward his son and then left the areal Josh came back, gave his guitar to Ian and smiled at….well at least not at me. I waved at him because I was standing a few meters away. When he finally noticed me he came towards me and Lindsey, clapped her shoulder, gave me a sort smile. I wanted to say something to him but he stopped me “I have to talk to the engineers, okay? See you later” he let me know.

I accepted it and waited a few minutes together with Lindsey. But when Flea and Chad came back from stage she accompanied them back into their dressing rooms. So I was still sitting there, waiting for Josh who went away with some engineers. When the stagehands started dismantling the stage I decided to go back into the backstage area.

There I saw Josh. He was holding a beer in his hands and was having a good time with the guys from Billy Talent and an unknown woman. Well, great. My boyfriend forgot me again.

So I decided to take my jacket out of his dressing room and went away. On my way out I passed him and the group and told him “Well, seems like you have fun. So have a good night then!” before leaving the backstage area. Josh was just looking at me with a shocked face.

I went into the party tent where Felix was waiting for me. He texted me a while ago and I decided to go here and party with him. He handed me some drinks and we got drunk. Very drunk. We danced to Major Lazor and other great music and had a great time. I tried to forget all this bullshit going on in my head and in my life in the last weeks. I forgot about Josh who didn’t seem to care about me here at the festival. Sure, I knew he was here for his job but now that his job was over he forgot that he wanted to come back to me and instead started drinking with other musicians and the unknown lady. Well, he should do it. I didn’t care anymore. At least not tonight. While I was dancing on the dance floor I noticed that tears were streaming down my face. The baby crossed my mind again and I couldn’t stop my tears. I was so sad and I felt so lonely at this moment. Felix didn’t notice it because he was dancing with a woman. So I stumbled over to the bar where I sat down at a chair. It was 3am and I noticed that I received a lot of text messages. Most of them from Josh. But also from Lara. I wiped my tears away and looked at the messages.

Josh: “Hey where are you????? I called you, I texted you. Why don’t you answer??? Eileen, I’m really worried! Please, let me know where you are so I can pick you up! I don’t want you to go home alone!”

Lara: “EILEEN???? Where are you? Josh texted me. You don’t answer his calls and messages? Why? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Okay. Seems like people are caring for me, I thought. Josh seemed worried. Well, I was drunk. I didn’t even know where I was. Somewhere in the party tent, a Cuba Libre in my hands. Felix was flirting with a woman and I was sitting at the bar. Suddenly there was a guy who joined me at the bar. “Hey, you’re Josh’s girlfriend, aren’t you?” the guy asked me. I looked at him. Because of all the alcohol I drank tonight I saw him double. But I rubbed my eyes and suddenly realized who was sitting next to me. It was Benjamin, the singer of Billy Talent, with whom Josh was drinking some beer a few hours ago. Before I left him in an angry mood. “Um yes I am, why are you asking?” “Because he was looking at you everywhere. He even asked us if we have seen you but unfortunately we haven’t. Until now” he told me. “By the way, I’m Ben” “Eileen” I said while shaking his hand. “So whatever you did or whatever he did, you should really go and find him. He didn’t look good. I think he blamed himself for treating you badly today because he was sick of everything here” Ben told me. “Sick of what?” I wanted to know. “Well, I don’t really know him. I met him today but he told us that he’s sick of playing all these festivals at the moment.” “It’s the first festival of the season in Europe” “Whatever….I think he wasn’t feeling well the whole weekend. At least he told me that he was feeling very badly in the last weeks and he didn’t want to play but he had to and….well I think you know him better” “Hm….yeah we went through a lot in the last weeks” “So maybe you should go and find him and talk to him. Honestly, he drove everyone mad at the backstage area because he was looking for you. He asked everyone that passed him if someone saw you and when I asked him who he is looking for he showed me a pic of you two and told me about his ‘beautiful girlfriend’ and that he was an asshole the whole weekend and that he’s so sorry and he wants to find you to apologize” “Well….okay” I said. “So, you should go to your hotel” he said. “I will but first….” I said and left the chair to tell Felix that I would go now.

“No…..you’re not going on your own!” Felix said. ”Don’t worry, I’ll call a cab” I let him know. “Really? Eileen, I don’t want you to wait outside in the dark on your own” “Felix, it’s okay” I laughed. “I will take her to the hotel because I guess we’re staying at the same hotel” Ben told him. “What….” Felix looked at Ben with mouth opened. “You’re not the singer of Billy Talent, aren’t you?” “Well….I am” Ben laughed. “Eileen, where do you meet all these rockstars?” Felix laughed. He left the girl he was talking to and told her he had to go.

A few minutes later I was waiting for a drive shuttle to the hotel together with Felix and the singer of Billy Talent. Like…..what the fuck? How did I met Billy Talent? I had to laugh. Felix and Ben smoked together and talked about the festival and the concert. I noticed that Felix was a huge fan and they even made a selfie. Benjamin was very cool and down to earth. Just like Josh…..oh well, Josh. I thought about him and asked myself what went wrong today and during the weekend. Maybe we should’ve talked about our feelings and our fears before attending a festival together, before going on tour together. I realized now that tour life isn’t always funny and great. It can make you angry and you can feel lonely very easily. No matter how many people surround you, you can feel lonely. “Okay guys, when does the driver pick us up?” I asked the boys. “He’ll be here in five minutes” Ben let me know and took a look at his watch. I wondered where the other Billy Talent guys were. Oh well, what a funny story to tell. I was fleeing from Josh, got drunk in a party tent in the backstage area where only VIPs were allowed and finally was found by Billy Talent singer Benjamin who told me that Josh was looking for me. The driver came and picked us up. I realized that I was so tired that I fell asleep during the drive to the hotel. But I woke up when the car stopped. “Here we are” Ben told me and got out of the car. Felix followed him and helped me to get out of the car as well. I was so tired. “So now I have to leave, right?” Felix asked us. “I don’t know what you’re doing but I have to go and discuss something with my boyfriend. I don’t even know if he’s still awake” I said while looking at my phone. It was 4am. The last message from Josh I received at 3am. “He’s definitely still awake” Ben told me. “He was so worried….Actually it’s interesting that no one looked at the party tent” “Hm….okay so. I guess I have to go now. Thanks Felix for the great party. Well at least for you it was great” I told him. “Come on, it was great. Best festival in the world!” he said smiling while hugging me goodbye. “Oh and please, promise me to text Lara okay? I think she would be glad to hear from you” “I will” he smiled. “And thanks Ben for bringing me to the hotel” “Well, thanks to the driver” he laughed. “And now go and speak with Josh, okay?” “What a crazy night” I mumbled. Ben hugged me goodbye as well and I saw that he and Felix went on to the hotel bar to enjoy the rest of the night. I went to the elevator. When I arrived at Josh and my hotel room I was a bit afraid. He texted me several times and called me like hundred times but I didn’t answer. Just because I didn’t notice it in the crowded and loudly party tent. So I opened the door. While doing it I imagined what could happen next. Josh could be so mad at me that he would break up with me. Or he could be totally pissed at me and don’t want talk about it. He could already have checked out of the hotel and I wouldn’t know where he was. Or he would be happy to see me. I didn’t expect my last option.

“Eileen! Finally!” I heard a voice saying into the darkness of the hotel room. A few seconds later two arms hugged and squeezed me. “I’m so happy you’re here. I was so worried. I didn’t know where you were” I felt so bad when hearing Josh’s words. He worried about me while I was partying and got drunk. “I know and I’m so sorry” I mumbled. “Where were you?” “I was in the party tent in the backstage area….with Felix” “Hmmmm” Josh said but he didn’t let go of me. Instead he squeezed me and I laid my head on his shoulder. “I know you were looking for me” I said. “Who told you?” “I met Ben from Billy Talent and he told me you were looking for me everywhere. I’m so sorry Josh. I behaved like shit” “No you didn’t…” he said. “Yes I did!” I disagreed. “I thought we could have fun together at the festivals. I thought we could watch some bands, have a good time. But I didn’t realize that for you it’s work out there. You weren’t there for having fun. I mean, it’s your job to play the headliner show. Everyone’s waiting for it. I didn’t realize that you needed time to prepare for the show. I behaved like a jerk” “Eileen” Josh chuckled. “You didn’t behave like shit. I mean, I should’ve told you about my behavior at festivals. I don’t like it being on the crowded festival ground. But how could you know? How could you know that I usually don’t go outside and most of the time only stay in the dressing room until we have dinner and maybe I see some bands but not on the festival area. I don’t like being in those crowds, you know” “Yes I know” I sighed. “I should’ve known” “No….how? You never accompanied me to a festival. How should you know how I behave there?” “Because I should know you” “But…..” he sighed. “Look, see it as a new side of me you got to know this weekend. I mean, we know each other for three years now but there are still things you don’t know about me and there are still things I don’t know about you. And that’s good. We get to know each other a little bit better with every day we spend together” “Maybe you’re right…” I still felt bad for my egoistic behavior but Josh was so sweet to me. “And I’m sorry too” “Why?” “Because I spent most of the time with Lindsey and not with you. I didn’t realize it. You know, Lindsey is a very good friend of mine. When I broke up with Mia she was there on tour and listened to me. Now I’m there for her because her boyfriend broke up with her last months and her father is sick. She needed someone to talk to. So we spent some time together in the last days. I should’ve told you” “Oh no, it’s okay. I mean….she’s nice” “But you were mad at me because of it and I can totally understand it” “Josh, it’s okay” I chuckled. “I’m so happy you’re here. Here with me. I’m so glad that you’re here and I don’t have to be alone on the first days of tour in Europe. I think I would’ve felt very lost” “Why?” “I was just feeling so fucked up because of everything that happened in the last weeks. I didn’t feel ready to go on tour. I didn’t want to fly to Europe. Instead I wanted to stay at home with you. Just spending every day with you. With no one else. Only you” “Well….but I was a jerk. I’m so sorry to let you know that I’m happy we lost the baby because you’re a bad father. I don’t think you’re a bad father. You would be a great daddy” I said with tears in my eyes. “But” I mumbled and my voice broke. “What?” he asked me, wiping my tears away. I thought about telling him what I was really thinking about the lost of our baby. “N…nothing” I finally said.

Josh smiled at me and kissed my forehead before he carried me to the bed. While he was undressing my shoes I was telling him from my weird party night. “You know, it’s so crazy that I met Benjamin from Billy Talent. What a nice guy. He told me that you were looking for me and he even called their driver who brought me to the hotel. Isn’t he nice?” “Yes he is” Josh laughed. “I guess I was bothering him with my psychotic behavior while I was looking for you. I was bothering everyone in the backstage room” “Oh it’s okay. Everything he told me about you sounded so sweet” I said and kissed his lips. “Please promise me, don’t ever do it again, okay?” “I won’t” I said and fell asleep.

______________

It’s already one year ago that I saw the gig of RHCP at Rock am Ring (sadly not live at the festival but on the TV) and fell in love with them again <3

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