#hi it started when my dad met the evil drug dealer and yeah my life's pretty crazy

[the-dear-skull]

LET 👏 THE 👏 NINE 👏 YEAR 👏 OLD 👏 BE 👏 A 👏 METH 👏 ADDICTED 👏 W*👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[monstas1ut2]

2/3 Eren Yeager (Smut Warning!)

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

That's why I fucked yo' bitch, you fat motherfucka!

The screenshot sound was pretty loud as your back went up and down like a roach sprayed with raid. The male on the other side of the phone laughing his ass off. Well, he wasn't the only one.. but he's the one who took the screenshot.

"Delete that shit, don't put it on Instagram Connie!" Your pretty face was immediately in the camera's view. Your eyes a little wide at the fact that you were caught off guard. But at the same time, you let yourself go in front of the group. That's your wrong doing. But it made them smile nonetheless.

The people who were on the call at the moment were Connie, Jean, and Sasha. The rest were either too bothered to be in such a crackhead group, or they were busy.. probably the first one. Anyways, everyone in first period happened to be your friend, they were all different but they adored you nonetheless... even Annie... she just hides hers pretty well. Anyways, It's almost the end of senior year already and the bond is hard to break..

"That's my favorite song, you can't be catchin a hoe off guard.." you scolded the bald male who still happened to be laughing. His controller in his hand since he was playing nba2k. Jean was also playing but at the moment he was trying to figure out what you were doing.. and he's mad he didn't see..

"What did she do now?!"

"She was throwing her back out of place!" Sasha muffled out as she was stuffing her cheeks with a Hershey chocolate bar. She was also watching Hell's Kitchen on her tv, you could hear it.

"Daddy Jean aint need to hear all that.." you playfully spoke as you bit your lip at him. It was obvious he liked you, not to the point where he wanted a relationship though.. he's just a bit of a man whore.

Though everytime you mumble a 'Daddy Jean' , he's all for it. That's yo bitch.

After a bit of a pause of talking, Connie had picked up his phone and you were now cleaning the table that was in your room. The last time you were in this room, you didn't even have time to clean... Your father was screaming for you to hurry.

Let's explain, this weekend, you are visiting Hange, your mother . She missed you so she invited you to stay for a few days. Today is Friday so you have the whole weekend with her. She had planned Saturday and Sunday. Not to mention, Monday is a holiday so no school. 

"Hey guys... uh Armin and Eren having a party.. y'all comin?"

All while Sasha said yes, along with Jean.. you were still jamming to 2-pac spitting his shit. Your hand movements not going unseen by the three on your phone. So in result of not having a response from you, Connie screamed oh so suddenly which caused you to jump pretty high.

"What the Fuck is yo problem!? You bein held by gunpoint nigga?" Your voice showing 1% concern as you moved closer to the phone on your dresser and you stared into it.. quite surprised still.

"(Y/n)... you makin my hair fall out..." Connie spoke as he gave a sarcastic smile and... wow it was hard for everyone to suppress their laughter... your face would turn purple instead of red though..

"Ight~... watchu want?..."

"Eren-"

"Oooh, Eren.." you spoke in interest, your long eyelashes fluttering. This however made Jean and Connie 'throw up' at the same time. All while you rolled your (e/c) eyes.

"Yall do too much-.. and Jean, stay in yo game ight?.. befo I come through the screen and punch-"

"Eren havin a party.. are you going..?"

Tilting your head in slight disbelief that Connie interrupted you. Your eyes rolled as you looked to the side. Obviously leading them on, but at the same time they knew that Hange will let you go...

"Fine. But somebody pickin me up.. and Sasha cuz boo-boo can't drive worth a dime.."

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

As much as you hated it, you sat uncomfortably in the dodge... Ugh... It's just something about you and dodge's. The cars radiate fuck boy energy, and guess who happened to be driving this car? Jean..

Though he let you sit in the passenger seat just because. Your eyes staring out the window as you messed with the stockings you had on. They were in a bit of a web, that was the design. You also had on a plaid skirt and this crop top with some white platforms. Oh you looked scrumptious.

The person who put this outfit together in the first place was Hange.

"Baby Jean, you need a new car... cuz-"

"It radiates Fuck boy energy.. you said it the first time you ever saw it... I know.." Jean pouted as he continued to drive to Eren's house. Who was shared with Armin. The two always lived together, some speculated that they were... sparkle sparkle.. gay.. but they aren't.. not that you would've minded.. it just would've been a bummer.

"(Y/n)... Didn't Your father take your car away...?"

Glaring back at Connie, who was wearing a white shirt with black pants and some timbs. You rolled your eyes and looked through your window again.

"Yeah but my car is a Mitsubishi.."

The neighborhood around these parts were quite pretty. Just like where you lived with your dad. But at the same time you were confused as to how Eren and Armin could afford such a place. The first thing popping in your mind being. Drug dealer and then you thought about what Sukihana said about dating them...

That's probably why Levi didn't want you around him... Yeah.. This whole senior year has been Levi making sure Eren doesn't sit beside you... nor have a project with you... It's like he barely existed at first. Though you always had these ways to talk to him. He's not even that bad.. he's quite the hottie and he knows what to say... he's just a flirt, and you edge him on every time...

"(Y/n)! Can you come with me to find the food?"

Snapping out of those thoughts of Eren, you didn't even realize Jean had already parked. A small 'mhm' coming from your throat as you opened the car door. Everyone else doing the same. Lord it was a bunch of people out here. People were outside and inside which was baffling honestly.

A soft hand touched your wrist and started to drag you towards the house door. It was Sasha, her mouth almost watering for something to eat. She told Eren to make sure there was extra cheese in the fridge for her. Hidden... and lo and behold when you both shimmied through the crowd, the cheese was in the fridge. Her eyes beaming as she grabbed some chips as started eating like it was her last meal, nothing out of the ordinary.

"This music actually hits..." you spoke out to nobody in particular as your hips started to move ever so gently. Though as nice as your body was, it looked more seductive than anything. Popping one of those chips into your mouth as your hips continued to wine ever so gently.

The looks you were getting, not only lustful but want... The way your long dreads just complimented your look had only made it worse. The second you decide to stop, it seemed like everyone stopped looking at you. In slight despair that you'd stopped. Though one individual in particular was continuing to stare...

His hand, wrapped around the cup as he'd sipped at the liquid inside. The black ring on his middle finger caused his hand to look hotter than it already was. He had these prominent veins that would just look so pretty on your brown skin...

"She likes you too..." the blonde that was a tad bit shorter spoke to his childhood friend, Eren.

"What makes you say that..." lord, somehow over all this music, and his low tone... you could still feel the vibration of Eren's voice. Just glancing from the kitchen as Eren was sitting on the couch in the living room. Leaning back like he owned the place... well he did.

Fine ass..

Giving him a bit of a stare, your glossy lips curved into a smirk as you glanced at him up and down. All before turning your attention back to your friend who was having the time of her life eating...

"So Sash.. what's up with you and Connie...? Yall gon date.. or-"

"(Y/n)!"

"My bad.. my bad.. I just wanted to know"

The party was a bit lively, more than anything since this is a longer weekend. So everyone was happy.. including you because they were playing your favs. So of course your body started to move again. That skirt of yours being a paid actress in helping you look more hot. Though, what you did not expect was someone coming up behind you...

Now that's nasty..

You whipped your head around about to give them an earful... though... you saw that smexy... face and you looked kinda shocked...

"Oh..." you choked out before turning your head again.. Eren's evil little smirk had caught you off guard. It boosted his confidence even more that you didn't feel the need to even move away from him. His hands slithering onto your full hips.

Man, he was really risking everything this time... considering your father is.. Levi...

This however was thrown out of the window because of the fact that you could feel Eren's... crotch against that thick form of yours. That little smirk on your face only widening as you started to gently rub against him, your back bending over somewhat.

His long brown hair then started to ever so gently fall in front of his face as his greenish eyes stared hard into your body. That harsh little grip on your waist made you feel all different types of high. Gawd.

"You like that huh...? I know.." your cute, but seductive voice made Eren chuckle just a tad. It causing you to almost choke on those words.. This man didn't need to TRY to be hot... he was already smexy.

His hands then started to travel up your body to your arms and he gently pulled you up towards him, your back against his scrumptious chest. All you could do was open your mouth a bit, quite surprised that he wanted to be this close with you.

"Eren... You a lil close... you needa tell me sum?"

The way you spoke, the way you carried yourself... it was new to Eren when he first met you.. but he got used to it real quick and he noticed he wanted something he never knew existed.. and that was you.

"Can't tell you here... but I can tell you in the bedroom..." Eren purred out, his voice smooth as a babies skin, smooth as butter. It caused you to tingle, the female between your legs wanting that more than anything.

Biting your glossy lips, the room started to become hotter than it already was. The people who were in the house started to pile out of the main and started to go outside. It was quite cold outside as well, but the party continues.

"Where the hell is (Y/n)..." Jean spoke to himself as he watched Connie and Sasha become drunks in two seconds. It was obvious he himself could not drink since he is the driving parent tonight.. but he now had nothing to do... he's just wondering where... you are..

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ

"S-..Shit Eren~..."

The (f/c) nails you had were now digging into Eren's muscular arms as his lips caressed your neck. The seductive kisses making dark marks on your brown, beautiful skin.

Your head being thrown back onto the soft black pillow as your pretty toes curled. Feeling Eren's slender fingers inside of your pussy. His intimidating green eyes watching your every expression, every move. Seeing that your crop top was already rolled up over your pretty chocolate mound breasts that were covered with your bra.

"E-Eren, s-stahp..." choking that out, you could hear the loud rip of your stockings when Eren moved his hand out of them. The wetness of your brown pussy lips being known pretty well when Eren's fingers slid your panties to the side.

"You don't want me to stop... huh...?"

"N-No.."

The electricity shocked through you when you watched Eren stare down into your eyes. Lust and want, all in them as his key necklace dangled in front of your face ever so gently.

His shirt immediately being discarded as he watched your pussy pulse from his fingers being pulled away from it. It was amazing to him how much you wanted him.. it was amazing... it ran something through him...

All you could see was his muscular frame, his hands to match as he easily tore through your bra. Watching the way your breasts fumbled out of the cups. He never seen a black woman's breasts before.. but it couldn't get any better than this though.. is what he thought.

"Daddy~... don't stare at em..." you pouted playfully before licking your glossy lips. Just running your fingers up Eren's arms as you eventually made your way up to his luscious hair. Running your fingers through the locks. Pulling him down ever so gently to finally get that kiss you wanted.

Eren's eyes glowed when he felt your soft lips, the lip gloss giving him this taste of lovely. His lips tasted of some sugar, kinda made you wonder what was in his cup before this.

The wetness of Eren's tongue touching yours as the both of you withered in this naughty, sloppy kiss. Something you both weren't supposed to do.... It was fun, crazy... scary..

"You act all bad outside of the bedroom huh... but you ain't ever have someone touch you..." Eren teased gently, in a whisper against your lips. His hand gripping your chin as he stared at your innocent looking face. Gently spitting all nastily into your mouth and you moaned out seductively. Swallowing it so easily..

"Show daddy you'll be able to take it..."

Eren's cock was so hard in his pants, it being unzipped by him and his underwear was now restricting his release. His eyes staring at your pretty pussy, the wet, pink insides were bright and untouched. Though his pale cock was eager to invade it.

"I-.. I can take it daddy..." your whimpers echoed In Eren's ears as he pushed his underwear down. Your knees being pushed to your chest as you felt Eren's stare. The plaid skirt you had was still on, so you tried to cover your pretty pussy with it.

"Stop... don't hide now.." Eren scoffed out as he gripped under your thighs, the underside of his cock rubbing up and down your wet and gooey pussy.

"Hold your legs... don't move.."

It was so demanding, your pussy clenching already as the wetness dripped down to your other hole. Your pretty, long nails visible to Eren as you held your legs as tightly as you could. Knowing Eren's cock was a monster. You could see it... right between your legs.. right between your brown pussy lips.. the contrast was unbelievable..

"F-Fuck!! Eren~~ ow~" the way your painted toes curled gave Eren a shiver of excitement. Your back arching ever so slightly as your virgin hole was taken away from you. Squeezing tightly around Eren's experienced cock.

"Shh.. it's Ight.. take it babydoll.." Eren's whisper was gentle and sincere as his thumb started to gently rub at your clit. Causing you to swallow your spit, though it spilled out. What also spilled out is your loud whimper. Your legs staying wide open for him as your hand slowly slid up his muscular structure.

"It's .. i-it's so big..."

Hearing these whimpers and words spill from your throat, Eren couldn't help but take his hand and wrap it around your throat. Causing your breath to be taken away oh so suddenly when Eren snapped his hips forward even more.

"Fuck!" Your moan could probably be heard outside as your breasts bounced from the impact. Eren's smirk wide as he felt the tightness of your insides. His necklace going back and forth ever so gently as his pelvis started to clap against you. The feeling was so foreign to you, having someone ram into you like this. But it was Eren... it wasn't just 'someone'..

Your (f/s) scent was powering against Eren's own scent. The feeling of Eren's cock was starting to really take a toll on you..

"A-Ahgh..."

Eren's cock was being enclosed so tightly, you just wet up his Dick so well.. he was starting to become obsessed.. more than he already was.

"Daddy's. little. pussy..." his deep voice echoed in your ears as he started to get a bit faster. Your breasts bouncing even more as Eren made sure that skirt was moved out the way. He wanted to make sure to see everything. His hand squeezing harder at your throat. It was keeping you firm against the bed, like a little fuck doll...

"I-it's your pussy Eren~"

Curling those pretty toes again, you could feel the bubbles in your lower region. The craziest orgasm you've ever experienced... just tip toeing to the tippy top. All you could muster was a pathetic whine. Your eyes watering up behind your long eyelashes.

"I'm-.. I'm cumming..." Your voice was so weak, it sounded like you were passing out almost. Just rolling your eyes back as the bed frame started to hit the wall. Your pussy gushing more than usual as the white cum started to coat Eren's cock a little.

"Shit... yeah~..." Eren growled under his breath, watching you come undone on his pale cock. Your thicker form was just so adorable, looking all bent up. Your locs scattered around ever so softly.

It was like he was fucking a goddess...

Eren was between harsh and soft, his manhandling ways were shown easily by the way he pulled out quickly and turned you over. Your plump ass shaking like jello as his cock easily slipped inside once again.. filling you up for the second time. God you just couldn't wait till you could feel his cum...

"Imma Fuck you till you turn dumb..." Eren spoke harshly as his long fingers gripped at some of your locs. Pulling them and wrapping them around his wrist somewhat. Gaining all control over you and your own body...

He wasn't playing either...

(๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ Masterlist 2

[laurawritesandgames]

A Day Late, Sorry!

Title: Reefer Madness

Fandom: Beetlejuice (Musical)

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Beetlejuice/Adam/Barbara, mention of Charles/Delia

Prompt: Parenting

Content Warning: Set during coronavirus pandemic, underage drug use

Summary: When Lydia is caught smoking pot, the Maitland-Deetz household has to come up with a punishment. But how do you discipline a teen during a pandemic? And will Beetlejuice even let the parents (and ghostly parental figures) punish his BFF? 

The door to the Maitland-Deetz home opened. Lydia came in, wearing her mask and gloves, with Beetlejuice hovering beside her.

Barbara stopped mixing cookie dough to say hello. “How did it go?” The Maitland-Deetz adults had agonized about letting Lydia go to a class picnic organized by Claire Brewster’s mother during a pandemic.

Claire’s mother had tried to make the picnic as safe as possible. She and a few other parents were chaperones, everyone was required to test negative for coronavirus before showing up, the picnic was outdoors, everyone was expected to wear a mask and socially distance, and Winter River High’s Grade 10 class was only 20 kids. Charles had gone with Lydia to a few Black Lives Matter protests, and those had had many more people than this picnic.

Lydia had been so bored of quarantine that she’d actually wanted to engage with her classmates, which had been the deciding factor.

“It went well.” Lydia threw her disposable mask and gloves into the trash bin by the door. “It was nice to see everyone.”

Beetlejuice’s smell of rotting flesh was worse than usual. Barbara winced, waving her hand in front of her face. “Can you turn it down, please?”

“Turn what down?” Beetlejuice said too innocently.

“Anyway,” Lydia said, walking up the stairs, “my introvert battery is drained. I need to recharge.”

Beetlejuice followed her. “And I need the hot goss!”

Barbara let the two friends have their time together, though she was a little disappointed she hadn’t gotten more out of Lydia. That’s teenagers, I guess. I’ll try again later.

As Lydia washed her hands, Delia’s voice sounded in the hallway upstairs. Lydia responded back. Barbara returned to the kitchen, and had just picked up the mixing bowl when Delia’s shocked “Lydia Lilith Deetz!” rang through the house.

Barbara teleported up to the second floor of the house to see Delia and Lydia glaring at each other in the hallway with Beetlejuice floating beside Lydia. Adam teleported up a moment later.

“Young lady,” Delia said, “I can’t believe you. Smoking weed? Really? I thought you were smarter than that.”

Weed? Barbara sniffed the air, but couldn’t smell anything beyond Beetlejuice’s stink.

“It’s faint, but it’s there,” Delia insisted. She patted her faintly bulging stomach. “I have smell sensitivity, thanks to the child. And I have certainly smelled enough weed in my day!”

Lydia opened her mouth, closed it, then shrugged. “So what? Weed’s legal in tons of countries except for most of this fascist dictatorship.”

“What?” Barbara blurted out as Adam gasped.

“Where pot is legal, it’s legal for adults over 25,” Delia said. “You’re 16! Your mind is still developing.”

“Because you never, ever did pot when you were my age, Delia.”

“And it’s hardly something I’m proud of! Years from now, do you want to be looking for your underwear after a night with a drummer from a Duran Duran cover band? This is how it starts!”

Lydia snorted while Beetlejuice said, “I mean, if the drummer’s hot, yeah, sign me up.” He paused. “Who am I kidding? The drummer doesn’t even need to be that hot.”

Adam frowned at Beetlejuice. “And you’re covering for Lydia. When did you find out about this?”

Beetlejuice glanced at Lydia, who shrugged and gestured him forward. “Lyds flagged me down when she got near the house.”

“And you helped her cover this up without a second thought.”

“’Course I did! Oh nooooo, a teen did some weed. Who cares?”

“You’re the adult in this situation—”

Beetlejuice floated backward, gasping and clutching his chest. “You take that back, sir! I am not!” He paused. “Well, not an adult like you mean it.” Anxious, he bobbed in front of Lydia. “I’m a cool adult. Right, kid?”

“Totally.” There was a faint sarcastic edge to her voice, but he didn’t appear to catch it.

“You all heard her say it!” Beetlejuice said proudly.

A terrible thought occurred to Barbara. “You didn’t share the joint, did you?”

Lydia looked hurt. “I’m not risking coronavirus to get high!” Reluctantly, she added, “We each had our own joint.”

“And who brought them?” Adam asked.

“A goat-footed man offered them to us for the price of signing our name in his book. He said he would visit us again on the dark of the moon to complete his dark pact.” She smirked. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Lydia….” Delia said.

“Or maybe we found them on the ground and smoked them like the reckless teens that we are. I can’t remember.”

“Where is this attitude coming from?” Barbara asked. “This isn’t like you.”

Lydia glared at her, so angry that Barbara almost took a step back. “’Not like me’? We met four months ago! You don’t even know me. At least this one,” she jabbed a finger at Delia, “was supposed to be my life coach, so Daddy filled her in on the basics. Not that she ever bothered to get to know me, either.”

Beetlejuice laughed. “Aw, man, she burned you guys so good.”

“We’re going to talk with your father,” Delia said, “and come up with your punishment.”

Barbara was touched that she’d included Barbara and Adam.

Lydia laughed coldly. “Good luck getting Daddy to punish his little girl.” She strode confidently over to her room and closed the door.

“I’m gonna grab Lyds some chips,” Beetlejuice said. “She’s probably got the munchies!”

“You know,” Barbara said, “you could stay and—”

“Deuces, nerds!” He teleported away. A few moments later, his voice sounded in Lydia’s room along with the crinkling of a plastic bag.

Disappointing but not surprising. When Beetlejuice returned from the Netherworld, he’d made it clear he wasn’t interested in parenting Lydia or any Deetz children that came along.

As they walked downstairs to Charles’s office, Delia said, “My parents never punished me for anything in my life. They let me drink and smoke as long as I was in the basement, where they could keep an eye on me.”

“I went to some parties and stayed out past curfew in Grade 12,” Barbara said. “Mom and Dad grounded me. This one,” she nodded to Adam, “never saw a punishment in his life.”

“That’s not true, honey,” Adam said. “One time, I was doing math homework and I looked up my answers in the back of the textbook. I confessed an hour later and got extra chores for the rest of the week.” He looked thoughtful. “Grounding Lydia seems pretty redundant. Unless someone else holds another picnic, it probably won’t come up. The living are all stuck inside anyway.”

Delia sighed. “I know! And we can’t take away her phone. It’s her lifeline to the outside world! I don’t want to affect her mental health.” She bit her lower lip and stopped walking. “Perhaps we should let this go. She’s still healing from losing Emily. And no way am I going to be the evil stepmother! If Charles punishes her, she’ll probably blame me!” She glanced anxiously between Adam and Barbara.

“We won’t let her do that,” Barbara said. “We’ll be a united front.”

“Using marijuana recreationally is illegal,” Adam said. “I know not all of us agree with that law,” he nodded to Delia, “but it is the law, and she deliberately broke it. She could’ve been arrested! It’s our duty to show her there are consequences for her actions.”

“As soon as we figure out what those consequences are,” Barbara said. “You know, I read a parenting blog that said parents could ask their older teens to suggest their own punishments. Maybe she’ll come up with a good one.”

Delia rubbed her temples. The pregnancy was taking a lot out of her; she was tired and achey most of the time. “Well...let’s go see what Charles thinks.”

She knocked on the door to his office. After a few moments, Charles opened it. Seeing the looks on their faces, he frowned. “What did the demon do this time?”

“Surprisingly,” Barbara said, “he’s not the problem. It’s Lydia.”

*

Charles took charge immediately. After explaining his plan and getting everyone’s agreement, he asked to see Lydia in the living room.

Lydia came downstairs and Beetlejuice phased through the floor to hover by her side. While Beetlejuice slouched and scowled at everyone, Lydia looked totally confident. She didn’t blush or frown as she faced her entire family.

When Barbara had come home from Miranda’s party, she’d frozen and stammered when she’d seen her father in the living room. I wonder what Dad felt when I stayed out past curfew? Did he expect something like this? Was he grateful I wasn’t coming home drunk? I wish I’d asked him. She’d never know, now. It stung, but she had more important things to focus on.

Like whatever chaos Beetlejuice had in mind. He wasn’t going to take his best friend getting punished without a fight.

“Lydia,” Charles said, “Delia, Adam and Barbara told me what happened at the picnic. You smoked marijuana, breaking both a law and a house rule. I want to see a 5,000-word essay on my desk by the end of the week about the effects of marijuana on a young person’s development. This essay must be the same quality as one you’d do for school. Use the Chicago Manual of Style for reference and citations.”

Lydia chuckled. “You can’t be serious.”

“We’ll just plagiarize it anyway!” Beetlejuice said.

“I can Google an essay just as well as you can,” Charles said, unperturbed. “I’ll be sure to check that your work is your own.”

Her eyes narrowed. “It was just one joint, Daddy. It’s not a big deal. I’m not going to become the school drug dealer or anything—if we’re even going back to school in the fall.”

“Delia, the Maitlands and I disagree. We think it is a big deal. And since you live in our house, you have to follow our rules.”

Beetlejuice turned to Lydia. “Kid, I can get us out of this house anytime you want with a snap of my fingers.”

“And go where, Beej?” Lydia crossed her arms over her stomach. “I know you’re trying, but c’mon. It’s a global pandemic.”

Beetlejuice’s spiky hair deflated a little bit. “Oh, right.”

Charles took a step toward his daughter. More gently, he said, “Lydia, I’m not insensible that you’re facing more stress than anything I ever felt at your age. First, Emily died, then the pandemic happened, and now quarantine…. Not to mention the changes that have happened to our family.” Lydia’s gaze flicked to Delia’s stomach. “If you want to talk about what led you to make this decision, we’d all welcome that.”

Beetlejuice scoffed. “Why she did it? To be a badass!” He held out his fist for a fistbump. Lydia didn’t reciprocate, but watched her father thoughtfully instead. Good. Barbara began to relax. That means she’s listening.

“If you don’t want to talk to us,” Adam said, “we can increase your therapy sessions to two times a week.”

“I’m sick of journaling and breathing exercises!” Lydia snapped. “Nothing works! Even that stupid joint didn’t! I’ve been stuck inside for months because of a pandemic our country’s leaders are too chickenshit to deal with. I’m a privileged beneficiary of a racist, capitalist system that’s destroying the world. And I’ve literally seen what’s on the other side. Nothing gets better. This life is all we get, and it’s shit.”

She stepped closer to her father, her eyes never leaving his face. “And now, I have to do a stupid essay because I did something I thought would make it all bearable for one fucking minute!”

Her family had to do more for her. Lydia had taken antidepressants for months on the advice of her doctor—perhaps she needed her dose readjusted. If this therapist wasn’t helping, they’d find another. Adam and I could make an activity schedule to give her day some more structure, so it’s not just scrolling through social media. And Beetlejuice can probably think of lots of fun things to do—well, fun and slightly terrifying things, but Lydia loves that kind of stuff.

Charles reached out for a hug, but Lydia stepped back, hands out to push him away if he tried.

“Oh, Lydia, sweetheart, I know things are tough right now—” Barbara began.

“Mom wouldn’t do this to me!”

Charles recoiled slightly, his arms dropping.

Even Lydia seemed surprised that she’d said that, but she quickly added, “Mom wouldn’t have punished me for one joint. She would’ve understood me. She would’ve cared. And you know it.”

Charles raised his eyebrows. “Lydia, you’ve built Emily up in your mind as this creative, anarchic madwoman, and she certainly was. But do you seriously think she would be unconcerned if you started doing drugs? We had countless conversations about how to parent you, particularly in those final months when we knew…we knew she wouldn’t be around. This is the punishment we worked out together.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not. This is literally what she would have wanted me to do.”

Lydia stared at her father. Her chin began quivering as tears welled up in her eyes. Barbara almost teleported to her, but stopped. Is it my place? I’m just the ghost parent, not her real one….

At some point, Beetlejuice had floated over to her and Adam. He was watching Lydia and Charles intently, as if looking for something.

Lydia sniffled, swallowed, then said, “Fine, I’ll do your dumbass essay.”

“What? C’mon, kid!” Beetlejuice gestured to Charles. “Don’t give in to The Man!”

Lydia gave him a small smile. “Not everyone has the energy of an undead demon, Beej.” She tossed her hair. “Besides, Dad, all the research that’s out there says pot should be legalized for recreational use, anyway.”

“Not for 16-year-olds.”

“We’ll see.” She turned around and went upstairs.

“Bet you loved that, fascists,” Beetlejuice said to the parents and parental figures. But Beetlejuice usually got over things quickly as long as they didn’t directly involve him, so it wasn’t surprising when he slung his arms over Barbara and Adam’s shoulders and smirked. “Babs, Sexy, if you wanna make out to forget your guilt that you made Lydia hate you, you where know I be.”

Lydia stopped halfway up the stairs. “‘Hate you’? God, BJ, you’re so dramatic. I don’t hate them. They’re completely overreacting, but they’re just being parents. It’s their job.”

That threw him—he blinked at her a few moments, then shrugged. “So it wasn’t my best pickup line. Instead of criticizing my game, go…I dunno, cry about your dead mom some more.”

“Beetlejuice!”

At least Lydia didn’t appear hurt. She rolled her eyes and raised her middle finger at Beetlejuice before going upstairs.

Charles huffed. “I think the next thing we’re going to work on is crude language and gestures. I’ve been quite lax about that and someone—” he eyed Beetlejuice “—has been a bad influence.”

“We should also not joke about people’s traumas, Bug,” Adam said.

Beetlejuice grunted. To Barbara’s surprise, he didn’t say ‘She started it!’ He was legitimately thinking about something.

Delia sat down on the living room couch, sighing in exhaustion. “Well! We got through it. Huzzah, everyone!” She glanced at Beetlejuice. “Except you,” she said coolly.

“Things got pretty tense there,” Adam said. “It’s lucky I don’t have a body, or I might have had a small panic attack.”

“Most of the thanks goes to Charles,” Barbara said.

“I was happy to take the lead on this one. I have the most experience, after all. Unfortunately, this is hardly the first time I’ve had to discipline her. She’s not always the most attentive to her studies.”

“Really?” Adam asked. “But she’s so intelligent.”

“Which means she doesn’t always feel challenged, so she puts off her homework and assumes she can complete it the evening before it’s due.”

“Wow, I had no idea.” Barbara had pictured Lydia as a young woman much like Adam, eager to learn and devoted to school. Lydia is right. We don’t know each other that well.

“Do you think we should talk to her psychiatrist again?” Barbara asked.

Charles nodded. “I was thinking that, as well.”

Beetlejuice poofed away in the puff of smoke as the parenting talk continued. Remembering his unusual thoughtfulness, Barbara resolved to speak to him later.

*

Beetlejuice appeared as if summoned when, an hour later, Barbara pulled her chocolate chip cookies out of the oven.

“Ooo! They’re all goopy!” Beetlejuice snagged one, and didn’t seem to mind that it was hot.

“We got some news on where the weed came from,” Barbara said as he ate. “Claire’s mom called Charles during our meeting. Near the end of the picnic, five of the kids said they wanted to check out the empty school. Lydia was one of them. They disappeared from view for around 10 minutes. The chaperones figured they just wanted to get out of cleaning duty, and nobody thought much of it because the party was wrapping up. Claire’s mom apologized over and over again. I don’t think she’s going to be hosting any more class picnics. Poor woman. We still don’t know who brought the drugs, though.

“Er, I hate to ask, but…it wasn’t you, right?” Beetlejuice was quite casual about drug use, and Lydia could talk him into anything.

Beetlejuice didn’t mind being suspected of providing drugs to children. Maybe to a demon, that was a mark of pride? “I was watching Farscape with Adam during the picnic. I only teleported away when I heard Lyds say my name.” He could always hear the living say it, for some reason.

“The person watching Farscape could’ve been a clone, though.”

“Ooo, now you’re thinking like a demon, babe! But for real—no way would I bring joints for some teens and not for myself. Am I really that generous?”

“You’re right. Sorry, I just had to make sure.”

He winked at her. “I wouldn’t trust me either, baby.” He bit into his third cookie.

“You seemed caught off guard earlier when Lydia said she didn’t hate us. What was that about?”

He shrugged. “Just trying to make myself fart to break the tension.”

“Well, I know that’s a fib. You’re always able to fart.”

He stopped chewing, thought for a moment, swallowed, then said, “Eh…guess I’m just not used to kids and parents not hating each other.”

She touched his free hand. When he didn’t pull away, she wrapped her fingers around it. “That’s awful.”

“That’s life. And the afterlife, I guess, since Ma was there too.” He frowned. The hand she was holding twitched, like he wanted to start fiddling with something like he always did when he was upset or anxious. “Whatever. I killed her with a sandworm, the scene ended on my hilarious joke, and the audience got a happy ending. It all worked out.”

“If you want to talk some more about your mother, Bug—”

“Why, so I can cry about my dead mom, like Lyds? Sing a song about it? Not my brand, babes. I don’t even think about Mom.” He focused very intently on the cookies on the baking tray as he said, “I think about you and Sexy and Lyds, sometimes Chuck and Delia. You’re the people I care about, not that bi—sorry, sorry, that was gonna be a gendered slur, but I caught myself.”

“I’m proud of you.” Barbara leaned over and kissed his cheek.

He grinned. “You know, I don’t think I hear that enough from you guys. I could kill so many people, and I never do. A little more ‘good job, Beetlejuice!’ would be nice.”

“We’ll try.” She kissed his lips. As she pulled back, he leaned closer and kept the kiss going. Then a goopy finger brushed her nose, leaving a trail of warmth down it.

Beetlejuice pulled away, chuckling. “You look like you ate poop.”

She rolled her eyes (was she picking that up from Lydia?) and wiped the melted chocolate off her nose. Beetlejuice hadn’t used the kiss as an excuse to grab all the cookies on the tray, which was surprising.

Not that Beetlejuice was done with the cookies. He grabbed two more then floated out of her reach.

“Do you mind if I tell Adam about this conversation?” she asked. Adam, Barbara and Beetlejuice hadn’t been in a polyamorous relationship long; Barbara wanted boundaries to be extra clear to avoid hurt feelings and miscommunication.

“Girl, you know I love when people talk about me.”

“Even stuff about your mother, which might be a little more complicated than you’re pretending it is?”

“Or maybe it’s not complicated at all? I’m a simple guy, babes.”

“You do like to say that, yes.”

“But, eh, don’t tell Sexy all the crap I said about kids and parents and shit. He’ll just wanna talk. Bleh. Pretend I was always my normal awesome self.”

“Hey, Bug,” she said lightly, “I think opening up to someone you care about is pretty awesome. So, to me, you were always your normal awesome self.”

“Dork.” But he was smiling as he poofed away.

When the cookies cooled, she put two on a plate, poured a glass of milk, and went upstairs.

She checked in on Adam next. She’d left him reading in their bedroom, but now he was staring out the window at the cemetery.

“Hi, sweetie,” she said.

“Hi.” He didn’t turn around.

“Do you want to go visit them?” That cemetery held his parents’ graves. They’d died in a car crash coming home from a Christmas party five years ago.

He nodded. “I know we can’t stay for long because of the sandworms, but just for a few minutes….”

“When Lydia’s done her essay, maybe she could come, too. She’s mentioned wanting to have a solo picnic in the graveyard sometime.”

“That’d be nice. I hope Mom and Dad approved of how we handled Lydia. They probably would’ve liked a good prayer circle, but the Deetzes aren’t that kind of family.” He sighed, rubbing at his eyes. “They were good people, in their way. They knew farm life wasn’t for me, and they never made me feel bad about choosing my own path.”

“Your family was so welcoming when we started dating.”

He chuckled, smiling at her over his shoulder. “Most of that was shock, I think. They bent over backwards because they knew you were too good for me.”

They’d told this joke at parties before. Barbara laughed dutifully. “Your mom never gossiped. You’ve lived here your whole life—you know how rare that is. Most people just can’t wait to spill the beans. But I could tell her anything.”

Adam’s smile dropped. “I couldn’t.”

His parents had probably been part of the reason he hadn’t come out as bisexual until after his death. Barbara set the plate and glass down and joined him at the window, resting her hand on his shoulder.

“I have no idea what I’m going to tell them when we find them in the Netherworld,” Adam said. “’Hi, Mom and Dad, here’s my wife and my boyfriend. I have an open marriage now! I’ve slept with a man who’s not actually a man! He’s a demon.’”

“Well, saying it all at once is a bit much,” she said lightly. “You might need to lead up to it.”

A smile twitched the corners of his lips before he sighed and stared out the window again.

She rubbed at his shoulder, tense under her hand. “We have time to figure it out. We’re not going anywhere for a while. And maybe their perspective will have shifted in all those years in the Netherworld?”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t worry about it. And maybe the fact that we sort of have a child now means they’ll overlook a few sins.”

No, we live with a child. She’s not ours in any way. Barbara said, “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.”

Adam turned away from the window and looked at her, concerned.

*

Barbara and Adam approached Lydia’s room 20 minutes later. Lydia’s door stood out against the pale gray wall; she’d had her door wallpapered to make it look like a dingy, cobwebbed hallway with a mysterious figure at the end of it. Barbara knocked; Lydia groaned.

Opening the door, Lydia looked unenthused. “Is this the real punishment—everyone coming to check up on me?” The cookies didn’t even elicit a smile, though she took them with a curt, “Thank you.” She waved them in. “Shut the door, take a seat. Let’s get this over with.”

Her room was messier than Barbara would’ve preferred, with socks everywhere and a pile of folded laundry still in its hamper. Lydia set the cookies and milk down next to a new pile of books on her nightstand. There were already bookmarks in The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness and Yes You Can! Your Guide to Becoming an Activist. Lydia had been ordering books from local bookstores like crazy during the pandemic.

“You missed Delia.” Lydia half-sat, half-fell onto her bed, bouncing a little. “‘Peep these stones, girl! They’ll unblock your chakras because they’re fire. But they’re actually stones.’ I got her out of here by hissing some words in Klingon over her stomach. She thought I was cursing her unborn child—it was great! And, no.” She swung her legs up to stretch out. “That doesn’t mean I hate the fetus. They can’t help being incubated in the world’s worst person. So you can tell Beetlejuice that, if he’ll listen to you. He thinks he knows me so well.” She chuckled. “He only thinks that because he thinks I’m a human version of him. Everything’s a Mommy-or-Daddy issue with that guy.”

She laced her hands behind her head. Her black dress blended in with her black duvet cover and the rooms black walls, making the pale white skin of her face stand out sharply. “And, of course, Daddy dearest came by. Did we cry a bit over my dead mother? I plead the fifth.” She looked at Barbara and Adam, waving a hand. “Speak! Impart to me your undead wisdom. Cure this troubled child of her afflictions.”

Barbara and Adam had worked on what they were going to say, but it took a few moments to absorb everything Lydia had just said. She’d be good in theatre. Maybe we could look into Zoom classes….

Adam sucked in a breath. “Lydia, we’ve been talking about what you said to Barbara earlier today. About how we’ve only known each other for a few months.”

Lydia’s eyebrows twitched up. “Oh…kay?”

Barbara spoke next. “You’re completely right. We don’t actually know you. And once I realized that, I realized it was presumptuous of us to join in with your father and stepmother while they were disciplining you today. It made me think about how we joined this family in the first place. You agreed to let us stay, and we’ll always be grateful. But you also agreed after a very traumatic experience, and none of us really knew what it meant to share our lives together, living and dead.

“We all sort of fell into these roles after Beetlejuice left. We became like your second set of parents. We’ve been calling you our adopted child and everything. But…well, you’re not. And you already have a father and a stepmother.”

Lydia sat up on her bed, facing the ghosts, her jaw tense. “You’re—you’re not leaving, right? For the Netherworld?” She swallowed, gaze darting between the two of them.

Adam shook his head. “Of course not, Lydia,” he said gently. “Our boyfriend hates that place, for one thing. And we want to be here for you and the new baby.” He nodded to Barbara to continue.

“But,” Barbara said, “that doesn’t mean we need to be in your life as parents. We could just be two roommates. We could chat over dinner, watch TV together, maybe bake something once in a while. But if you don’t want us to be, we don’t need to be so involved in how you’re raised. That’s Charles’s and Delia’s job.”

Lydia was clutching her fingers together tightly. “I never even bothered to ask—did you want kids while you were alive?”

“We did…theoretically,” Adam said. “That’s the next step in the life plan once you own a home, right? Some of our friends had four kids already. But in practice, we had a lot of fears holding us back. If we’d been braver….” He looked away, sighing, before he looked back at her. “But we weren’t, and we can’t change that now.”

“Or we might have had a child and hated it,” Barbara added. “Who’s to say?” She patted Adam’s hand. “It’s a bit of a complicated topic for us. You’re a child, Lydia. You shouldn’t have to carry a dead couple’s wishes and regrets.”

Lydia’s gaze dropped to her hands, still gripping each other on her lap. It wasn’t an easy thing they were asking. Barbara gave her silence and space to think.

“You’re not who I want,” Lydia said, looking up at them. “I’ll always want my mother. I apologize for the bluntness, but Mom always made friends with the elephant in the room, and I’m my mother’s daughter.”

“Of course, sweetie—ah, Lydia.” Barbara cleared her throat. “It’s only natural.”

“But you two…. You made me feel normal even when I was so alone.” Her voice was getting quieter and quieter. “You always listened to me talk about her. And you’re…you’re part of the reason I came back from the Netherworld.”

Barbara chuckled softly. “You’re the reason we stayed in the world of the living, originally. We had to defeat Beetlejuice and keep you safe. But that doesn’t mean we need to act as a second set of parents. I’m not sure that’s fair to you.

“Lydia, we don’t have to decide anything right now. We can talk about this tomorrow, or a week from now, or a month.”

Lydia’s dark gaze locked on Barbara. Her eyes shone with tears under a heavy frown. “You probably don’t even want me as a daughter,” she spat. “You probably dreamed of some little girl in pretty pink dresses who played with dolls instead of skulls. I’m too complicated, too messy. But you don’t want to say it. That’s not nice, and you two are nothing but nice. Just stop being cowards! Make it easy on us!”

“Oh, Lydia, honey….” Barbara couldn’t stop herself from reaching out to her. She held Lydia as the girl’s tears started falling. Adam sat down on Lydia’s other side, stroking her back. She rested her head on Barbara’s shoulder.

“I love you guys,” Lydia whispered thickly.

“And here I go,” Barbara said as she started crying, too. “We love you too, sweetie.”

“We would’ve been honoured to have a daughter like you,” Adam said, tearing up. He hovered the Kleenex box over to them, so they could wipe their eyes and noses without breaking the hug.

“I am so fucking sick of crying,” Lydia grumbled as she dabbed her nose.

Barbara wiped her eyes. “Language.”

“Right. Daddy said he wanted to tackle that next.” She smiled. “I’m sorry you got a daughter at this intemperate age, Maitlands. I was a real peach when I was four.”

“You’re perfect,” Barbara assured her. “You make bad decisions sometimes, but you’re perfect.”

Lydia’s eyeroll was somewhat undercut by the fresh batch of tears.

Adam commented, “I guess we’ll need to work on a parenting schedule with Charles and Delia. See what we can figure out.” Adam sounded cheerful at the thought. He always loved making plans.

Lydia raised an eyebrow. “You’re dating Beetlejuice, but you still love rules and order. You’re a mystery, Adam Maitland. In fact,” she sniffled again, “we’re all mysteries to each other. That’s what started this conversation, isn’t it?

“So, hello, Maitlands. My name’s Lydia Deetz.”

“Hi, Lydia. I’m Barbara Maitland.”

It was time for the Maitlands to get to know their daughter.

[loplainlointhemorning]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but what's up with the Courtney Love controversy? Why are people accusing her of manipulation or whatever? I'm totally new to this discussion

hey darling!! no worries, I love discussing Kurt & Court bc theyre my surrogate parents and they emotionally raised me when I had a difficult relationship w my Mom and Dad, plus I’m named after Kurt and he’s part of the reason I realized my ~gender~, so needless to say I have a surplus of information on them. Plus their music fucks. anyways, this is gonna be a masterpost-

my credentials(sources I have taken my information and formed my opinion on Kurt & Court’s relationship from if u need to look into them):

-Heavier Than Heaven(Book by Charles Cross, authorized by Kurt’s estate. Charles Cross is a well known grunge/music historian and has literally devoted his life to researching and writing rockstar biographies, including several on Nirvana. One of my favorite books ever.)

- Montage Of Heck(Documentary on Kurt’s life. Produced by his daughter, Frances. I have some heavy criticisms of this film and of the interviews in it, but it does have some reflections on Kurt and Courtney’s relationship that I think are important.)

- Hit So Hard(a documentary on Hole’s drummer, Patty Schemel. Minor discussions of Kurt and Kurt and Courtney.)

- Verse Chorus Verse(Fan-made documentary series on Kurt’s life, widely regarded by Nirvana fans the most in depth play-by-play biography that exists- and it’s free on YouTube, which is lit.)

sources I don’t pull from, but many younger Nirvana fans do(the people who buy into the conspiracies generally):

Kurt and Courtney- A documentary made in the late 90’s under the guise of biography, but is actually about the conspiracy theory that Courtney killed Kurt. I saw it when I was a new fan and I literally laughed out loud from how apeshit it was.

Soaked In Bleach- ‘Biopic’ about Courtney killing Kurt. I haven’t seen it but straight men who think Courtney is ugly take it more seriously than the Bible. Very little truth ever goes into these theories, besides maybe names and dates.

Anything Hank Harrison(Courtney’s father) has to say- He wrote a book on the subject. He also gave her acid and lost custody of her when she was three years old. He’s a shit parent and I doubt he’s actually seen his daughter since the 80’s.

Anything Buzz Osborne(Kurt’s friend, singer for the Melvins, a band Kurt looked up to in Montesano) says- I think Buzz’s opinion is taken way too seriously by a lot of the fan base, I read an interview of his criticizing Montage Of Heck because Kurt ‘didn’t really have a stomach disease’ and was just lying about it to get high, and also about how he hated having to see Courtney naked, and made a good long point about how disgusting her body is. IOn top of all that(none of which really has to do with critiquing the film...?), he mocked Kurt and called him a loser for committing suicide. I don’t care what your opinion on his stomach, his wife, or his music is, that shit is callous and idiotic, but totally reflective of the 70’s and 80’s mentality regarding the mentally ill. He’s part of the legion of pretentious punk dudes who *kind of* knew Kurt, who think Courtney’s the one who ‘corrupted’ him, which brings me around to answering your question.

So, there’s this idea regarding Kurt and Courtney’s relationship, which is pretty similar to the one surrounding Sid and Nancy’s(or at least used to.) Courtney is the whiny, annoying, petulant bitch who attached herself to the first trophy she could find, and through her terrible manipulative personality kept him with her and kept him from getting better. In this mode of thinking, She’s also the person who ‘started’ him on drugs, and in a few people’s eyes, the person who ‘forced’ him to have Frances.

The reality of the situation, as I see it, as someone who’s gone to pretty decent lengths to inform themselves on the subject, is that Kurt and Courtney’s relationship was toxic: But the toxicity was mutual. This doesn’t mean they were a “problematic” couple, or that they were abusing each other, or even that either one of them was ‘evil’, it means that they fell deeply in love as young trauma survivors with substance abuse issues and huge ambitions. That’s a lot to put on any relationship and it’s a lot to talk about, so I’m gonna split this into categories of complaints that you’ll hear pretty routinely as a new Nirvana/Hole fan.

1. “She got him into drugs!”

Courtney started on heroin in the late 80’s in L.A., when she was still playing with Sugar Baby Doll(her band with Jennifer Finch and Kat Bjelland). Kurt, as said in Heavier Than Heaven, tried heroin for the first time around 1988-1989(I don’t remember exactly.) At the time, he was still living with(though I don’t believe they were still dating) Tracy Marander. Because he was destitute, he didn’t have enough money to start forming an actual habit until Nevermind started gaining speed, and by the time he and Courtney started dating(they met a couple of times and phoned a couple of times before cementing a relationship) he had been taking it for a while. That’s the thing I think people look over when it comes to Kurt- He was embarrassed about his addiction and he hated the physical side effects, but he loved heroin.

Courtney says in Montage Of Heck that she had both tried and kicked heroin by the time she met Kurt, but I think the Heavier Than Heaven description is probably more accurate: That she did heroin socially, and her addiction worsened after the two of them began living together because Kurt was(in her own words) ‘obsessed with oblivion.’ She also said in Montage Of Heck that his dream was to ‘Get to three million dollars and become a junkie.’ She’s stated several times that her drug problems came out of a need for ‘comfort’, and Kurt was into getting so fucked he couldn’t do anything else(also confirmed by his friend, Dylan Carlson, who was also into heroin and did it with him often.)

On top of that, Courtney was the one who orchestrated interventions for Kurt, went through the process of reviving him when he’d overdosed, and broke his syringes/scared off his dealers to try and keep drugs away from him as much as possible. At one point, she even made a rule that no drugs were to be done in the house- So he started renting motel rooms and doing them there. It was she who was the head of his final intervention before he went missing.

If anything, Courtney is the person who tried her hardest to keep drugs away from both of them. Considering how much people still talk about her doing heroin while pregnant(which occurred very early on before she was aware of her condition), Kurt is the person who struggled the most to stay off drugs during her pregnancy and after Frances’ birth, even going so far as to hide in the bathroom from her while she was struggling with morning sickness so she wouldn’t know he was getting high.

2. “She manipulated him into dating her/marrying her!”

Here’s the thing about Courtney; She is an enigmatic, entertaining, talented, maternal individual. Here’s the thing about Kurt; He’s a shy, quiet, non-confrontational guy with mommy issues. There’s been a lot of discussion on how Courtney was ‘obsessed’ with Kurt, and how she wouldn’t rest until she pinned him down: That’s untrue, or at least it reads less like crazy-bitch-steals-rock-god and more like cute-singer-has-crush-on-fellow-cute-singer. She was really into him, but when she met him she was still dating Billy Corgan, which deterred her from pursuing him until that relationship(basically) dissolved. When Kurt met her, he had just gotten out of a relationship with Tobi Vail, which most likely fell apart because she refused to be what Tracy Marander had been for him. She wasn’t interested in caring for him and she wasn’t interested in a full-time monogamous relationship. She was working too hard at her own career and was way too involved in the burgeoning riot grrrl movement to worry about looking after Kurt Cobain. That just wasn’t going to work for him.

Kurt was a big believer in the nuclear family model, he was very monogamous, and besides that he lacked the ability to physically take care of himself. If he wasn’t living with a partner who would clean up the house and remind him to wash his hair, it just didn’t happen. He was chronically ill, depressed, and he’d spent most of his adolescence AWOL from anyone who would actually raise him, so Tobi’s rejection deeply hurt him for a number of reasons- While Courtney, the opposite of Tobi in a few key ways, was exactly what he wanted. On top of looking like the archetypical punk girl, “I was attracted to her because she looked like Nancy Spungen,” she had a maternal streak (In Montage Of Heck, when he’s found sitting beside her while she cuts his hair, and, typical for people living with Kurt, mentions that she cleans the house because ‘nobody else fuckin does.’) Early on in their relationship, Kurt had a meltdown and begged Courtney to come to his apartment. She did, and looked after him the rest of the night, a pattern which would become common for them, and was stated by her half sister to be the ‘original strain on the relationship.’

Besides her mothering elements, Courtney was brassy and loud, and her presence allowed him to be less introverted and freer with himself. She was an ambitious young musician who shared a similar childhood to him, and had the same yearning for a safe home life that he did. She was well-read and artistic, and introduced him to the literary side of music creation, which he hadn’t explored yet. After spending a night on the phone with her, he went around telling everybody she was ‘the coolest girl in the world,’ and broke off another burgeoning relationship with Mary Lou Lord on live TV after spending the night with her. The famous quote, “Courtney Love is the best fuck in the world.” is in fact real. And yeah, he could’ve handled that one better.

The attraction was mutual, and I find it hard to believe that Kurt was ever forced into anything romantic with her based on how well she suited his tastes.

3. “She used him for his fame/money!”

As stated above, Courtney was attracted to Kurt before Nevermind was even recorded, and if she wanted to marry a famous dude right out the gate, at the time they met there were plenty of people who were way more famous than Kurt. In Heavier Than Heaven she mentions really liking their song “Dive,” and later in life she mentioned hearing “Sliver” and being impressed with Kurt’s writing abilities. Both of those songs were released a solid two years before Nevermind. She was interested in Kurt because he was cute and talented and she was savvy in the music scene, meaning that she kept up with underground bands.

Now, a point of contention between Kurt & Courtney was their different attitudes towards fame. That is entirely true. Courtney wanted to be famous, enjoyed celebrity, loved attention, and could handle touring, press, and the craziness of success. She was very charismatic, very physically strong, and let’s face it, definitely an attention whore. Kurt liked being praised, he liked being successful, and he definitely had a thing for attention- But he hated pressure, he had inferiority issues, he didn’t know how to handle his life being pried into all the time, and he wasn’t strong enough to do massive tours. Courtney just didn’t understand that, which is pretty common if someone doesn’t share your same mental illness/physical illness: Touring hurt Kurt’s stomach, it worsened his anxiety and emotional instability, it wore his body out, it didn’t agree with him. He loved playing live but couldn’t handle the mania or the travelling, meaning he didn’t mind blowing off huge tours that would bring in loads of money. Courtney, who did feel envious and intimidated regarding his success, would get angry at him for that- She didn’t want him to blow off massive paychecks and press coverage because it’s not what she would’ve done. I definitely side with Kurt on this, nothing is more frightening and frustrating than people trying to force you to do things you can’t handle health-wise. Courtney, being naturally business-oriented, was also aware of how things appeared to the public, and definitely cared about their image more than Kurt did- One of their fights revolved around her nagging him about how important the “Heart-Shaped Box” music video would be for him, and how he should look good. He reacted by stubbing out a cigarette on his forehead and saying, “Do I look fucking good enough for you now?”

So yeah, Courtney, like a lot of people in Kurt’s life, was all about furthering his career and success. A lot of people read that as her being money-hungry or manipulative, in my opinion it’s just a natural response from a person who’s spent their whole life trying to be a success and wouldn’t really get there until 1994. I think some of it was envy and I think some of it was her using him a little vicariously, neither of which are healthy but neither of which are malicious, either. She wanted to be a rockstar, she was ready to be a rockstar, she wasn’t; He thought he’d wanted to be a rockstar, he didn’t really want to, he was.

4. “She emotionally abused him!”

I hate to say this because I love Kurt so much but, as someone who’s been through a codependent relationship where they were bailing water out of a sinking boat, Kurt’s behavior throughout their marriage set off way more red flags for me than Courtney’s did. I don’t think he was actually abusive, but I do think he was a little too underdeveloped and unresolved to be married to someone. He had to grow up slower than everyone else because he missed out on having concrete mature influences, which Courtney did as well, and like I said earlier I think a lot of their problems came through a lack of adult communication skills. Both of them were really jealous people: Courtney couldn’t stand Kurt talking about Mary Lou Lord or Tobi Vail, Kurt was completely convinced that Courtney was cheating on him with Billy Corgan(even going so far as to talk to their lawyer about a divorce shortly before he died.) This was the catalyst for a lot of mind games and unnecessary drama, especially coming from Kurt.

Kurt couldn’t handle conflict. He was really passive aggressive, and would do things to purposely piss Courtney off or communicate to her that he was displeased. While she was trying to stay clean he would declare that he was going to do drugs in the apartment, when she started talking to a psychic to help her with her problems he mocked her and put her down, when she staged his final intervention his entire argument against rehab was that she was just as ‘fucked up’ as he was(she had already agreed to go into rehab, though whether he was aware of this or not I’m not sure.) He made his first suicide attempt by overdosing on Rohypnol on their wedding anniversary because she took some pills and fell asleep and he decided that meant she wasn’t interested in him anymore. I’m not arguing that that’s an irrational response to your partner getting stoned and falling asleep, especially when he’d apparently set the night up to be as romantic as possible, but the overdose put him in a coma and sent Courtney into hysterics.

Her mental health began to decline due to paranoia that he’d end up dead, and her weight dropped due to the added stress. As someone who’s been through a pretty similar situation to that and exhibited the same symptoms, I can tell you that it is never okay to use a suicide attempt to deal with a perceived injustice from your partner. By this time, Kurt was facing either getting clean or dying, and his behavior was very depressed and erratic, so there are explanations for the way he was acting and I don’t think he was trying to manipulate her with a threat. Despite my understanding of that, there is nothing more exhausting than being the caretaker of someone who is hellbent on never getting better. I can’t imagine being the caretaker of someone who won’t stop until they’re dead, and I do think at that point it would’ve been better for them to separate.

But that isn’t to say Courtney wasn’t toxic herself, I’m not trying to paint a wholly negative image of Kurt here. I’m merely trying to stand in the way of Nirvana fanboys who have no grasp on the more sickly sides of his personality, and give Court a bit of a break. Definitely, she struggled with her jealousy: As stated, she never wanted his ex girlfriends mentioned around her and would tear them apart if they were. She was ambitious and career driven, which eroded a lot of her platonic relationships/working relationships as well her marriage to Kurt. She was one of the people who was pushing him to recover in time to play Lollapalooza, and she was one of the people who pushed him into his last stunted tour before his death. She weaponized his relationship with Frances in ways that I and most people agree are gross: She told him he should be playing massive gigs to support his daughter(though their medical and legal bills were big they were hardly poverty stricken), and admitted in an interview later that she called him in rehab once to tell him he’d dropped Frances on her head(She mentioned during this that Frances was wearing a furry hood, and that he didn’t hurt her. In my opinion he was doing his best by even trying rehab again, and that he was already so worried that he was a terrible father that it was just cruel to make him feel worse.)

She has a tendency to be self-obsessed, and to put her own self interest before people she cares about, even if she regrets it later. She struggles herself with mental illness and addiction, both of which tend to give a person poor judgment regarding the people they care about.

Once again, Courtney and Kurt weren’t a healthy couple, but it wasn’t because they were evil or abusive towards one another. They cared for each other deeply, they had a very pure devotion. Underlying all this nastiness were two people who prayed together, wrote together, fantasized about a Valentine’s Day wedding, and faxed each other R-rated love letters like modern versions of James Joyce and Nora Barnacle. During one of his more successful stints in rehab, Kurt wrote Courtney love letters every night(though he did decorate them with blood, wax, and semen.)

They had some serious therapy they needed to attend, the both of them. But 90% of these demonizations of Courtney are either untrue or blown out of proportion.

[amplesalty]

Christmas 2019: Day 4 - A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Four rounds of sliders!

So, turns out I had the title of this movie wrong, it’s not just A Harold & Kumar Christmas, it’s a 3D Christmas! Which also answers the question of where we go from the second movie, apparently out goes all that racism and in comes just so, so many shots of things flying at the camera.

It’s 2011 by this point, have we not left all this in the past? Hell, they were doing this in House of Wax when I watched that last year and that was back in the 50’s. To their credit, they do poke fun at the whole 3D thing at times, like near the start Harold’s assistant brings in a big ass TV meant as a present for Harold’s father in law. Harold questions if the whole 3D thing hasn’t jumped the shark by now but his assistant disagrees, exclaiming that it’s going to be ‘amazing’ as he points down the camera for emphasis. Harold just dryly asks who he’s looking at.

Harold has been moving up in the world it seems, now a very successful businessman on Wall Street. Unfortunately this comes during the whole ‘Occupy Wallstreet’ movement and the streets outside his office is lined with protesters wanting to eat the rich. Perhaps with a side of eggs which they throw at him by way of the camera lens.

Like a good soldier though, his assistant steps into the line of fire and takes a barrage of eggs to the face. RIP in peace. They have this whole musical sting whilst it’s happening, I feel like this has to be referencing something but I’m not sure what, war movies aren’t my thing.

Harold’s father in law by the way is played by non other than Danny Trejo, which is a rather scary thought. Trying to impress the father in law is bad enough without factoring that into the equation. He’s predisposed to disliking Harold as well given that his mother was killed by a bunch of Korean street thugs when she came over to America.

We learn that in his youth, Mr Perez dreamed of celebrating Christmas with a Christmas tree but would never get his wish. It was only upon reaching America that his mother promised they would have one every year, only for his life to be cut short. That’s why he holds this season and Christmas trees in particular in such high esteem. We also learn that apparently he was born with his moustache, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me with Danny Trejo. Also, someone being viciously murdered by street thugs seems a bit dark for this franchise.

Speaking of facial hair, Kumar is still a layabout bum who got kicked out of medical school for failing a drugs test. I do dig the beard though. Vanessa has left him though and he lives in filth with a neighbor who rents out his bathroom to let homeless people take a shit. So yeah, little bit of a mismatch on how our two heroes lives panned out over the last 7 years. I’m digging the beard though, but he promptly shaves it off under the pretense of trying to finally mature somewhat when he finds out Vanessa is pregnant.

Although, he is a little distracted during this revelation by the unfolding scenes of A Christmas Story and Flick getting his tongue stuck to the flagpole. Clearly an Xbox man as well, seemingly playing some Crackdown and Gears of War recently. This isn’t like that time I kept seeing It’s A Wonderful Life everywhere, is it? I’m not going to start having A Christmas Story pop up in all these movies, am I?

H&K are reuinited for the first time in two years when a package turns up at Kumar’s apartment addressed to Harold, which turns out to be a massive joint. Kumar lights up, only for Harold to play narc and throw it out of the window. Miraciously though, it curves around and flies back in a different window, lighting up Mr Perez’s Christmas tree and nearly burning down the whole house. This only reinforces what a negative influence on Harold’s life Kumar is and it looks like our duo are going their separate ways again. But, this does give us our impetuous for another hour and a half of whacky shenanigans because if Harold doesn’t fix that tree, there’s a good chance Mr Perez might kill him.

So we get the odd foursome of Harold and his new white bread bestie, Todd (and his daughter) and Kumar and his neighbor, Adrian, out on the lookout for a tree. This does lead to perhaps the most racially driven portion of the movie as they head to a tree lot run by two African-American guys trying to do this ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing, the Fat Albert looking guy playing nice and the other wondering what a pair of honkey, cracker, white ass fools are doing coming up in their turf.

Turns out Mr Perez isn’t the only one out to kill Harold though, as the tree search takes them to a party by way of Adrian who has a hookup waiting for him that he met online. She’s a virgin because apparently all the guys at school are scared to go anywhere near her. Adrian realizes that’s because her dad is notorious Ukranian mobster Sergei Katsov. At first I thought this was Chris Meloni making his third outing in the series but no, it’s actually Elias Koteas who was Casey Jones in the Ninja Turtles movies.

After Adrian goes soft upon finding out this information, Mary will settle for anyone at this point and goes to start blowing Harold right in the middle of the party. An inopportune time then for Daddy to come home and find what looks like an Eiffel Tower situation going on.

Even after they barely escape though, the nightmare is far from over as they start tripping and think they’re in the middle of a multi storey evil snowman attack. And, this all takes place in claymation. This is a really awesome scene, the design of the snowman is great and the level of destruction going on is amazing.

I could do without Kumar showing off his clay cock though, I only dread to think how much worse this is in 3D with him waving it about in your face.

Luckily, old buddies Rosenberg and Goldstein are there to shake them out of their bad trip and take them to White Castle to relax. Man, they have a much easier time getting their this time. They’ve clearly learnt from their past experiences. Along with the whole 3D into the camera gimmick, the racism angle has been replaced somewhat with religion, notably here with a whole speech about how Goldstein’s wife had him convert to Christianity and him just going in on those ‘dirty Jew bastards’.

That and the use of his son as a distraction so Harold & Kumar can go steal a tree from a church. ‘Pillow fight in the altar boys room, last one there is a rotten egg!’. Going in on the Catholics as well, I see.

And of course, the big one, the main man JC. Apparently Heaven is like a nightclub and we get the story of how NPH was ushered in the front door following his altercation at the whore house. Only, Jesus didn’t take kindly to NPH macking on his ladies so put in a word to the big man upstairs to send NPH back down to Earth. I mean, it’s not 100% to the letter but I’ll take this as I fucking called it.

The third part of the trifecta of racism replacements in this movie is metaness. There’s a good example here how they call out NPH coming out of the closet in real life, only to reveal that NPH is as big of a poon hound as he’s ever been and this is all just a trick to get the ladies. David Burtka? He’s not his husband, he’s just his dealer!

There’s a couple of other moments like someone referring to Harold as ‘Sulu’ or Adrian saying he lied to Mary and said he was Robert Pattison’s acting coach and that Kumar worked in the White House.

NPH is starring in some big festive stage show and sweet talks one of the dancers back to his dressing room, suggesting she strip down so that he can give her a massage. Hey, it’s cool, we’re all girlfriends here, right? Now just give him a minute so he can squirt some of his special lotion on your back...

He hooks up H&K with a tree from the set but before they can head home, the gangsters catch up with them take them to a secluded part of town for an execution.

But as they make their escape, Harold finds his dick has become stuck to the pole they were tied to. Okay, firstly, between this and Office Chrstimas Party, I’ve seen just about enough dicks to last me til the end of the season. Secondly, maybe this is God’s way of reminding me that I have some unfinished business with A Christmas Story. Sure there was the original and that sequel no one asked for but there is another...

And just in case you forget this is a Christmas movie, Harold inadvertently shoots Santa out of the sky and Kumar has to perform impromptu surgery, because he always does. Santa being played by Richard Riehle who was in Grounded for Life and, relevant to this blog, Chillerama and the Rob Zombie Halloween II. Turns out he was the one who sent Harold the massive joint so that the two of them could reconcile. I never knew Santa cared so much about the friendship of two potheads. I don’t know if he’s a good fit for Santa though, a little too gruff and mean. Doesn’t have the heart of say, an Edmund Gwenn. That could have been an alternate way to do this actually, have a totally sacherine by the numbers Santa that gets corrupted by H&K when they get him to smoke with them, he’s on too much of a bad trip to deliver the toys like normal so it’s up to them to save the day.

I think I would have to put this above the sequel but behind the original in terms of quality. As one note and as fleeting an appearance as he is, the Ukranian gangster somehow feels more of a threat than the entire US government in the second film. Keeping this adventure local again makes it feel much more grounded and there’s just a more light hearted atmosphere to the whole thing when you don’t have that massively racist and oppressive tone pressing down on it.

[bbclesmis]

The Telegraph: Dominic West: 'Colette's husband smoked and had sex three times a day – it makes our vegan times look dreary'

When Dominic West was cast opposite Keira Knightley in Colette, to play the limelight-stealing first husband of the not-yet-famous French novelist, it was during his stage run of Dangerous Liaisons at London’s Donmar, playing a wicked libertine of quite another époque.

“I tend to get villains these days,” West muses, sinking back affably in a hotel armchair. To viewers of the BBC’s new Les Misérables, the remark may seem puzzling: after all, it’s not the obsessive Javert he’s playing in that six-hour, song-free version of Victor Hugo’s novel, but Jean Valjean, one of the most unambiguous heroes in world literature.

The 49-year-old Yorkshireman admits it was a refreshing change – if probably a one-off – to be offered such a morally upstanding assignment. Willy in Colette and Valmont in Liaisons are more like bread-and-butter characters; throw in his small-screen infidelities in The Affair, which has one last season of grubby intrigue to shoot, and he’s the actor most likely to be glared at on the street as an incorrigible philanderer.

Beyond turpitude, though, he spots something else these parts have in common: we watch him outmanoeuvred by the women he assumed he could possess.

“That does seem to be a theme in my career – being matched by stronger women. Which is probably the theme of my life, too. I've got five sisters, and three daughters! I’m the go-to guy for playing the male foil, I suppose.”

When did this shift to bad guys occur, if it was even really a shift? “You reach certain waypoints in your career – well, I played lovers, and now I play villains, and dads! A while ago, I played Iago, Fred West and some other horror, all in the same year. I must have a funny look in my eye? I don't know what it is. But I suppose the Devil's always got the best lines. They're more interesting to play, really, especially if you can play against the evil.”

Colette is being marketed around Knightley, by and large. This seems eminently fair: as a writer and actress in turn-of-the-century Paris, Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette spent way too much of her career living in the shadow of her ruthless, slave-driving publisher – also her husband, known to the world as “Willy” – to be co-credited on her own biopic with anyone else.

Still, it’s West who snuck his way into a BIFA nomination, for best supporting actor, while Knightley was crowded out. The film relies for nuance on his refusal to monster the character. He concedes that it’s not the most flattering role. “I had three different fat-suits and an appalling walrus moustache!” But in West’s hands, an odd sympathy emerges for Willy, despite all his terrible behaviour – locking Colette in an upstairs room to write, cheating on her incessantly, and eventually selling off the rights to her novels.

Show more

“I thought he was obviously an exciting guy to be around,” West says. “And a total shit, and a narcissist, and an exploiter. But she was with him because he was this incredible force of nature, really, and a sort of bon viveur catalyst to quite a lot of very good writers. I did, even at the end, have a sympathy for this Salieri figure, who realised, having been so famous, that he would only ever be remembered as Colette’s former husband. Which is ironic – no one's ever heard of him now. And if they have, that's the only reason.”

First hatched as an idea 15 years ago, Wash Westmoreland’s film has been an arduous one to get made. West mentions this slow gestation to explain how tentatively the dial moves, in terms of getting stories told about women’s creative achievements. Just five years ago, Knightley was essentially playing sidekick to Alan Turing in The Imitation Game; now it’s her turn to play the genius.

West sees it as “rather serendipitous” that so much discussion about women’s agency – not to mention male abuse – started to happen as the film got made. There’s a striking parallel, I point out, with the role Glenn Close plays in The Wife – as the true brains behind the operation in another literary marriage. “I bet that’s a commonplace story,” he agrees. “Misapplied acclaim. It’s interesting that George Eliot had to change her name to a man's to get published. But then, so did JK Rowling. Doesn't change much, does it?”

 As a true-blue fan of The Wire, I couldn’t possibly interview West without touching on his lead role in that series. You could argue David Simon’s Baltimore-set, 5-season HBO epic changed everything for the actor in 2002, but you’d be wrong, because it took about five years before anyone even saw it.

West, a dabbler in Hollywood back then, was deep into his “lovers” phase – he’d been an alcoholic boyfriend to Sandra Bullock in 28 Days, a jazz-age lothario shot dead by Renée Zellweger in Chicago, a caddish colleague to Julia Roberts in Mona Lisa Smile. He was usually the debonair party animal you had to get out of the way so the film could carry on.

And then a tape he’d recorded as a joke fell into Simon’s hands. “It was just an astonishing piece of luck,” he reflects, “because in spite of myself, I landed the lead part in the best TV show of all time!”. This casting fluke lets him lampoon himself so perfectly it’s hard not to laugh. “I spent an awful lot of time trying to get out of it! I was always saying, ‘Oh gawd, not another season.’ Mainly because I was away from home, from my young daughter. And also because no one seemed to be watching it.”

Jimmy McNulty, an alcoholic cop struggling with child support and unstable relationships, was the show’s weary constant. West’s crumpled humility gave the show a relatable centre, but it finally paid him back: the slow-trickle recognition of Simon’s sensational achievement has let everyone involved live in its afterglow.

“I wouldn’t have watched it, had I not been in it,” West admits. “My daughter told me the other day, ‘Yeah, I watched it, it's very dated, dad.’ I don't think it is, though! It's been the gift that keeps on giving.” Michael B. Jordan, now a superstar after the Creed films and Black Panther, got his break there as a tragic 16-year-old drug dealer called Wallace. “I directed him in the last season, now he’s the king of Hollywood,” West remembers.

And there was Idris Elba, as kingpin-cum-politician Stringer Bell. “What happened to Idris? I don't know what happened to Idris. Has anyone heard of him since?! It was perfect. I think he knew it was perfect. He came in, blazed it, and got out. The rest of us felt slightly like journeymen, supporting these celebrity cameos.”

West socks over this kind of self-deprecation with reliable verve. He gallantly assumes it was his dancing, not Knightley’s, which led to a polka sequence being cut from Colette. “She’s pretty easy to spark off,” he says of his co-star. “And she's certainly easy to fall in love with. I had one particular scene where I'm in despair because she's leaving me, and that was a piece of cake.”

Colette was just a 19-year-old Burgundian country girl when she met Willy, 14 years her senior, and was swept off her feet. When West talks about their vigorous sex life, which branched out to multiple partners in Paris – and some they shared – there’s a hint of performative envy to his routine. “Considering what he drank and ate and smoked every day, he was also having sex three times a day. I mean, people did that, in those days. They make our vegan times look so dreary!”

Meanwhile, his approach to tackling the almost dauntingly virtuous Jean Valjean was to find the weakness in the man. “He's so obviously someone overcoming his shortcomings. Which is the only chance any of us get to be heroes. Quite apart from all the acrobatic saving of kids that he does, his great thing is redeeming his flaws, or his dark past.”

It’s an effort for us both not keep calling it Les Miz. Wasn’t he at all disappointed that he never got to belt out “Two-four-six-oh-OOOOONE!!” in his beefiest Old Etonian baritone?

“I was disappointed, but I think everyone else was relieved! I wondered where the songs were, actually. I kept trying to sing and they kept stopping me.”

Les Misérables continues on BBC One on Sunday at 9pm. Colette is out in UK cinemas from January 11 (x)

[hereitalkonandon]

Murder

I didn't actually stop talking to her or anything, she just sort of started doing her own life, and good for her, I was never going to love her back, I knew that, and she didn't want to accept it, I think.

Her self-esteem was so low that maybe just loving her as a friend and giving her as much attention as I could was enough for her, but I never did either of these things. I'm glad that she's out of my life though, because she couldn't help but be mad at me for not loving her back and I was always going to be wrong then, maybe most people able of experiencing one-sided love can't help but be bitter. I strongly suspect I would never feel one-sided love.

Maybe I do now, but it's just what I've told you many times, while I'm still not sure of how she feels, I can't really feel that it's one-sided. So I could never be in my friend's shoes. It would be too obvious. I had no reason to choose my girlfriend other than liking her better, even if my friend somehow fooled herself into thinking I loved her too.

Unlike my situation with my girlfriend. I was extremely jealous during our whole relationship, and she had wanted to leave for years because of it. But I don't remain unsure just because I want to fool myself, it's just that I can't honestly know if she has her reasons for deciding to stay away but still loving me, instead of coming back and repeating the same story when it comes to my jealousy, it's not like I don't have even more reasons now.

So I wouldn't know if my friend also liked me as a person, she was extremely supportive when my dad died and when my ex-girlfriend left and I know that perhaps she was doing it to get something out of it, but maybe by then she was mostly convinced that me ever loving her back wasn't likely.

I do know she was unfair to think I was evil just for not feeling anything towards her. I agree that a normal friend cares for you, but she knew all about it, how my relationship with my ex-girlfriend was probably messing my feelings up and making me different from normal people.

Since you mention manipulation, maybe she tried to manipulate me, it wouldn't be odd, though I honestly think she was sad when she acted like it and I would feel unfair if I didn't say so, I always acted annoyed and she didn't gain anything from it. 

And she never succeeded when it came to playing games. This one time she pretended she was running away from her home and staying with her grandma over a fight with her mom just to see if I would call her worried, she told me herself afterwards. No, that didn't happen. Why would I worry about her staying with her grandma. She would always tell me whenever she did something just to get a reaction from me. 

I spent a lot of hours with her during my relationship but it was only because I felt like it, I love talking even if love being alone, and even if she ignored most of it, since she just kept insisting and insisting whenever I was angry and wouldn't leave me alone anyway, I just kept answering and interacting.

She was well aware too, and it was another thing that bothered her. She would always say that it made her mad and sad that I only put up with her because I loved talking and because she didn't bother me that much, and because I knew I would hurt her if I didn't and since it really wasn’t a big deal why not just talk to her and give her what she wanted. 

Yeah she would always call me a toxic person, and I would say that she was obviously a toxic person too, but she never accepted it, and that what could be more toxic than maintaining a friendship with someone you claimed was so disgusting.

Overall I think she is honestly a great person and a great friend, but her romantic feelings towards me didn't allow her to be fair when it came to judging me, and maybe she never did anything out of friendship. I've never watched American Psycho so I don't know the context of this quote "You're not terribly important to me", but it always made me think of her, not that the situation between us made me laugh or anything. I can see how it was frustrating for her.

Now I've talked way too much about her once again even when she doesn't even matter, so as I said, that's the only reason I avoided talking about her. But I felt like being fair to her and saying that. I just wouldn't know what was actually going on inside her head. So even if I wrote all of that, since she doesn't matter to me, and I feel bad saying that, so maybe just a little bit by now, tiny, and likely not even love but pity, you can just drop this topic if you want, but it also doesn't bother me because I just talk and talk about everything. 

Well you say "the women you have encountered throughout your life" but the actual number is just the three of you, that's funny. Well, other than family, I've talked to enough people and a few girls were my friends at school, I never cared for bullies and also had some awkward/brooding/gay/disabled male friends (the popular kids that weren't bullies were their friends anyway), as in I would eat with them and hang out, but exclusively at school. 

They didn't know much about who I actually was and I was already not into socializing, they thought I was smart and always joking and laughing, they noticed some things made me angry too, but not at them, just that I was that way.

I had a neighbor when I lived with my parents, we were friends for three years or so, the last time I saw her I was six, back when my parents divorced and I moved to my grandma's place. I can't remember our last interaction but it was probably nice, I can't remember a lot about her, just that we were often together. 

I had some of my ex-girlfriend's passwords too until she changed them after some months, so that's how I knew some stuff about our break up too. Whenever she would break up with me for three days or so she never bothered to change them either and that's how I knew what she was up to.

Oh OK, so there's this song I really like called Only The Young by Brandon Flowers, maybe you already know it, I mention it because I was listening to it today while running and it often makes me emotional. Whenever I listen to it, I feel like I'm not among the young, and that I'm doomed, not because of my age, but because I've seen so much even if I'm immature sometimes, but that it would be a hopeful message if I weren't this selfish, that I'd be glad that the young can break away even if I can't and if I don't want to. I would never be the type of person that feels good about others suffering with me because at least I'm not the only one though.

I read what you said about your ex-boyfriend many times but I didn't feel like I should even try to say something about him, not that I had anything important to add, just that whatever thought I had, it didn't feel like it was worth wasting your time with him.

Other than never wanting to be like my father, I never felt any hate towards him when he was alive, and I loved him even after he died, but after a year or so I started to feel a lot of anger towards him precisely because he died, so I can't forgive him because he is dead, the fact that he is dead is what makes me dislike him so much. I know I'll never stop disliking him until he stops doing that. Being dead. I would always rather be angry than sad anyway. Before my ex-girlfriend left I was rarely sad, but I've almost always been angry 24/7.

When I was a kid someone told me of a mother that started beating the corpse of his son up at the funeral because he died because he was a drug dealer and she was always telling him to stop. Since my dad died before my break up I never got to stop loving him but my sadness over him turned into dislike before my girlfriend left, that had nothing to do with her.

I dislike him because he is being stupid by being dead and not alive and I was 22 and too young to not have a father and he was 47 and too young to die. He was a good dad but he was so irresponsible when it came to money, he never once bothered after the divorce, he left everything up to my mom, I judge him for it but I don’t hold it against him, but on top of that he couldn't even manage to stay alive, he couldn't even do that. He had one job, not dying. I would never forgive someone for something they did over them dying though, I don't really see it like that. If I love a person and that person dies then if I loved them I would still love them, but I wouldn't forgive them.

Your boyfriend and your mom are being so dumb. And it's stupid of me to tell you too, because as if you didn't know already, that everything can kill you and that some people just die for whatever reason no matter how healthy they are but you don't intentionally ruin your damn lungs to make it happen faster. And worse because she is your mom, she should try to do everything to live as long as she can to be there for her daughters.

And so should your boyfriend, try to be there for you because he is basic and dull, so he should be thinking he will be with you forever since I doubt he can ask for more out of your relationship, and so he should be thinking that no one could protect you like he can even if you don't need him to, because no one could love you more than he does. 

Yes, I understand that you are just sharing your thoughts and I like knowing them. But I also agree in the sense that you shouldn't gossip about dead people, only judge them because of what you are sure that they actually did, because it's not like they can say if the gossip is true or not. So you also shouldn't tell lies about them either of course, that would be disgusting.

I don't think someone deserves to die because of a lie though, it's because of the lie that this man told my girlfriend. Back when she left, she was 23 and I was 24, she met this man at school, he was 32, she was doing this thing for him that I can't remember what is called, when you have to work for free to gain some points while you are still at school so you can graduate.

The first time they ever talked was through Facebook, he sent her a really creepy message saying "hugs and kisses" and things like that, so unprofessional, telling her how to get to his office and ask for him, and his name. I'm sure they had never met before. That's just how tacky he was. She thought nothing of it but I told her to be careful, it didn't feel right, even if he wasn't that old. She was a student, he was a grown man with a job and all, and she was working for him.

After ten days of knowing him she suddenly told me she didn't love me anymore, but she often liked to do that, so it didn't mean anything, but at the same time, I was often jealous so I also always used to suspect that maybe she liked someone else. She denied it, of course.

I was on her Facebook and she started talking to him, it was obvious that he was hitting on her, he thought she still had a boyfriend, she technically still did, it had been some hours after breaking up with me, so he mentioned something but subtly "oh it's normal for you to be lazy about going out, though, you have a boyfriend" and she just said "no I don't anymore, I dumped him because he was so jealous" and so he said "oh, then let's have a date, to show him", and they kept talking but I don't remember what stupid thing one of them said that made me really angry and I started writing using her account, but saying it was me, of course.

He had the nerve to say (and I'm telling you all of this so you see the kind of coward he was), "I didn't ask her out. I’m not attracted to her. Read before you speak, I said it was for work" that was a lie, he asked her for tea at first, he said it was for work, but he was being flirty, but he also had just asked her out as I've already told you, I didn't even bother answering that, what he had said was just too stupid to bother.

Then he said he didn't like her and he had no intentions of doing anything with her, and that he wasn't going to allow me to tell lies about him, then he said the equivalent of "if you'll excuse me" and "left" the conversation, I was about to say something else and leave too but my girlfriend kicked me out of her account.

So I sent him a single message with my Facebook, telling him that I knew he just wanted to sleep with her and ditch her, but that we had known each other since 2005, and that he was taking advantage of us having problems and maybe ruining her life because I wouldn't be able to forgive her if they did anything sexual together, that she was basically a girl next to him, and that I would leave it up to his "conscience" (he didn't have any). That was the only time I ever talked to that excuse for a man.

From the conversation they were having before my girlfriend changed her password (I then spent months being able to see her messages but not all of them, because notifications would be sent to her email and I still had that password) minutes after I started talking, it was obvious, without a doubt, that he was making her think he wanted a girlfriend, he literally said so even if not directly “what I need is a girlfriend”, and that he wanted something serious with her, he kept bragging without bragging about his last girlfriend breaking up with him because he was always working so much and studying so much and so focused.

I can't read my ex-girlfriend's thoughts, but I'm pretty sure that the only reason she dared to leave me (she wanted to because of my jealousy but never could and never dared to sleep with another man just to make me leave her instead) was because she thought she was about to jump into another relationship with a man that she thought was attractive and maybe worth it.

We spoke that same day because I called her and told her to stop being stupid, it was so obvious to me that they were going to sleep together even if they didn't say it, so I was warning her she would regret it and I would be unable to forgive her, that she knew that, she said a lot of things but also "we don't know what's going to happen anyway, what if I even end up marrying him though?".

Anyway, she ended up disconnecting her phone and turning off her cell phone because I kept trying to call her and warn her not to do it. I never beg, so since she didn't connect her phone or take my call after an hour or so, I stopped trying because then it would count as begging, at first it was just me trying to continue our conversation as I often tried to do whenever she left.

I didn't know anything about her for about three days, until she called me one morning. She asked me if I was threatening the other guy and telling him I was going to beat him up. She was really calm, I told her I wasn't, and I wasn't laughing but my voice even sounded like I wanted to laugh because I couldn't even believe (also, no, this isn't the lie that made me want to murder him yet) that someone that stupid and that cowardly existed.

She was already seeing him or whatever they were doing. What was the point of telling lies about me? Anyway, when I said I wasn't, she also said, that it seemed odd, that she told him I wasn't like that. I asked her if she had already slept with him and she told me she had (lied about the day) and I probably started to yell or something and she probably ended the call because of it, I just remember we didn't talk for long.

After maybe ten minutes she called me again, this time she was really angry, but not just angry, I could hear the hatred too, I didn't know what she wanted, and the first thing she said was. "Oh so you want to burn me" as if I was supposed to understand and just hearing that made me really angry too because I had already figured out it was a new lie. And to me it immediately made sense that anyone who wasn’t an idiot would see that the fact that he came up with something else in a matter of minutes right after the first thing wasn’t very effective was extremely suspicious, but she’s a dumb plant. So she started explaining, not because she didn't believe I didn't know, but for the sake of keeping the conversation going I guess.

She said he told her I had also threatened him saying I would upload pictures/videos (he probably didn't elaborate so that huge stupid girlfriend I used to have would confirm his version and fill in the blanks, he just knew he wouldn't automatically sound like a liar even if those things never existed, he would just claim I told him that knowing he didn't know if we ever did any of that or not) of her naked.

I was so angry, I couldn't understand how someone so monstrous, so gutless, could exist. To this day of course he never made the slightest attempt to talk to me, he didn’t need to. To me it makes no difference, he basically accused me of having raped someone when he was well aware that it couldn’t possible be true.

I had never done anything to that person other than tell him not to take advantage of her and that he was older than her and to think about what he was doing in one single message from my account other than the brief conversation we had on her Facebook. He was also a proven liar and I told her that, he had already denied in that same conversation, while she was reading, that he had any intention towards her, told me he wasn’t attracted to her, and acted all offended when I confronted him instead of being decent enough to outright say he liked her and he was hitting on her.

He had already slept with her. I couldn't understand how someone so low could exist. Even if he had anything to gain, it was disgusting (and the fact that something like that was the second lie that came up to his head spoke so much about how sick he was, it made me worry about her being with him, of what he could do to her, so I told her to be careful once again), but it didn't even look to me like there was anything to be gained from this lie at that point.

When I told her I obviously didn't tell him anything and that I would never do that, and that I didn’t even have anything anymore (I didn't, I'm sorry I deleted everything because I wish I still had it so I could watch it, but I would often be anxious about someone entering my home and stealing all the stuff I had of her naked, or someone hacking my laptop, so I had already deleted every single thing I owned of her naked about three years before the end of our relationship) she said "Why would he lie about it?" and I said "Why do I have to explain why someone so stupid would say something like that? What do I know? Why would I do this? What are you even talking about. You don't even know that person and I don’t either. You've known me for almost ten years. And I would never do this but if I did, why would I ever think that that man would care in the slightest about me sharing you naked if he has known you for ten days? I'm not stupid enough to think he would care. Why would I think that would stop him from sleeping with you. I knew he had no principles the moment he started hitting on you knowing that you have a boyfriend, so it certainly wouldn’t be because of some sense of morality either. Nothing makes sense." 

I was shouting, mostly, I had never been so angry, this is why whenever dumb people over the internet say about someone else in articles or whatever “he is clearly guilty, look at him getting all angry about being accused, look how he is losing it, he looks crazy, he would be calm if he were innocent” I know they probably have never been accused of something that disgusting. Oh, I don’t know, Brittany, perhaps everyone reacts differently, maybe he is enraged and baffled about people hating him for something he didn’t do and that someone would dare make that sort of lie about him, angry for even having to justify himself in the first place when he didn’t do it and so he doesn’t owe anyone anything, and then only to have everything he says dismissed. And this is also why I always about those all news. Everyone is just so stupid.

What angered me the most was that she was the person I loved the most in the world and she would believe that about me, and that someone would just try to ruin my life like that, out of nowhere, for all he knew she could just have hated me for the rest of her life after ten years like it was nothing.

And she just said "Because you want me to come back, you just want me to say I didn't sleep with him so you can take me back, but I did, a day after I left you. And even if you show these things to my dad, I'll never come back." and I told her "I wouldn't take you back anyway if you have already slept with him, so all you are saying is so pointless. But I never said that, leave me alone. But if you didn't do anything, you can come back, it's okay, I don't care about what you are saying now, it's okay." And she, being this extremely smart woman answered "OH, you see. You did do it. You did it. You want me to come back, that's why you did it, that’s why you are trying to come back, you have practically confessed, accidentally." OH, I sure love smart women, you see. How clever of her. 

So I told her "I want you to come back because I love you. You left me. You will see I'm right because I'll never upload anything, I don't even have anything to upload even if I wouldn't." And she said "I know he is telling the truth because of who you are" so I obviously answered "then you don't know a thing, because I've never done anything like that, you have been with me for so long and I've never done anything that seems unfair or lied to you" and she said "yes you know who you are, you are a son of a bitch and you know it" and then I don't remember how the fight went just that I told her “no, I don’t know it because I’m not.”

And no, I wasn't a son of a bitch so I didn't know it. And also I wasn’t angry because of the insult, I have never cared when people say anything about my mom to make me angry. OH, they are so clever, they are insulting my mom, so talented, please release me. I know whatever they say about my mom isn’t true, so if I wasn’t angry in the first place, I won’t just because they mention my mom. And if what they said about my mom were true, then why would I be angry. Not that she was trying to make me angry by mentioning my mom, though, I just remembered that most people go crazy if you talk about their mom. They are so dumb. 

Before that day she didn't know it either. During our relationship she would say out of nowhere that people like me didn't seem real whenever she saw something really ugly, that this world was a really bad place and no one cared about doing the right thing. But all of a sudden it turns out that I've always been evil and disgusting and we both were aware of that because of what something she didn’t even know was saying, because “why would he made something like that up” yes, that was the most relevant part about the whole thing, his motive, sure.

Anyway, after that call ended, she called me after three hours or so, yelling once again, telling me to stop calling that thing, I can't even call him a man anymore ever since I started writing. So he was pretending I kept calling him and telling him I would do it if he didn't break up with her. That kept happening during the whole day and I was getting so tired of it, she probably called about six times or more, every few hours.

I also told her, from the start, that I wasn’t sending him anything, to ask him to show her the messages, because he said I was sending him messages on Facebook, I told her he would obviously refuse. And of course, he didn’t have any proof, so the next time she called she said I made a blank account just for the messages. Yes, that’s why, not because he was making it up and had absolutely no actual proof. And now that I talk about this, this is sort of why I never talked about this until now, I’m so unlucky that I thought if you ever get any message you would blame me after knowing this, and now I feel stupid for talking about this, it wouldn’t surprise me, not that you believed it, but that something happened in the first place, bad thing after bad thing and coincidence after coincidence just keep happening to me, but I’ve spent so much time writing about this, and I wouldn’t mind, and still delete this, knowing my luck, but I can’t just leave it at “I once wanted to murder someone only because of a lie” I didn’t mean it like that, it wasn’t like that and it was the only time I ever wanted to murder someone, I also don’t want to lie about the reason, I don’t like lying.

That’s why I sometimes believe there are many gods, and that for whatever reason I’m important enough to one of them to hate me. I still love my life and want to live forever though and that will never change no matter what. This reminds me that on your post you said, that anyone would ask god for help and mercy when desperate. I never have, I know you were just generalizing. Whenever I’m desperate I curse him and tell him to keep going, that he will never make me sorry of being alive, that the worst he can do is murder me and he will if he wants no matter what I say. I do it just in case it’s his fault, and once again, just that one god, assuming there are many. Because I absolutely refuse to believe that if there is only one god he would bother annoying me, I’ve never done anything to him or to anyone, it would be so stupid. If there is only one god then I would feel love towards him, he wouldn’t do things just to harm me. No, I could just be really unlucky, and I hope that’s the actual reason, the other option is horrible, I’m not afraid though, but who would want that to be true. I just mean that because of all the things I’ve seen the idea of something messing with me doesn’t seem so crazy. I’m not scared because of what I’ve already told you, if he can do something to me and he wants he will, all I can do is give him the finger, even if I really hate that sign, but I do it, I reserve it just for him, and he is likely not even there.

The last time she called I was really angry because she once again told me to stop calling that stupid coward, that she wouldn't come back, that I could upload whatever I wanted and she wouldn't, the same things she kept repeating, so I started shouting things about that disgusting idiot and told her I would even get him thrown in jail if he didn't cut it off, to tell him, because I wasn't actually talking to him no matter what he said and I had nothing to say to him, but to tell him that, my mom took my cell phone away and told her to stop bothering me, that she knew who I was and to tell that person to leave me alone and to go pick a fight with people his age or he would have a problem, that we were children next to him and to go mind his business and stop telling lies.

I wasn't listening to what my girlfriend said but I remember my mom said (and she is one of the few moms that actually knows his son also, I've never been afraid of her, and I never hide anything I do from her, I'm shameless, I don't care about anything, well other than a lot of positive stuff about me that I hide from anyone but you, if anything) "and I know my son too. He is manipulative, yes, and you knew it and it clearly didn't bother you that much until now, but he doesn't tell lies. So it's so weird, that you are telling me you know him. You don't know anything or you wouldn't believe that" so I guess my girlfriend was saying that she knew who I was.

Little did she know that the person that has seen the worst things about me is my mom. Not because it was a secret but because she probably didn't pay attention. Also, I'm not manipulative, or maybe I am, but I never lie or pretend, and I never tell people something would hurt me or make me sad if they don't do it, I'm always honest and people that love me often end up doing what I want anyway. I think that what’s wrong with manipulative people is that they lie in order to get something or that they force you to end up doing it against your will somehow, like the person that told that lie to my girlfriend. Well, I’ve never been charming, and I don’t lie, I wouldn’t know how I do it, if I do it at all, but my mom and my girlfriend would say I do it, it’s likely they are right.

Maybe it's actually called being persuasive and maybe it's because I'm smart and it works. Whatever it's called, my mom was well aware of whatever my girlfriend was whining about, and she still knew I wouldn't do that. My friend was really angry that she would believe something like that, I honestly believe she was angry and that she wasn't just pretending, she only thought I was a monster because I didn't love her, but she loved me after all, so she didn’t like when someone else was being unfair to me, and even if I didn’t care for her, I used to be really angry at her big sister whenever she was being mean to her, she thought she was so much smarter than her and she wasn’t, the kind of person to mock someone and act all superior. My grandma was angry too, but it's not like any of that says anything, people that love you often refuse to believe bad things about you.

I'm not like that, my mom loves lying to get out of trouble, I would believe she lied about something, it depends on the lie. My grandma once told me she would grab an envelope with money if she found it out there on top of whatever furniture but not in someone’s property. I told her she shouldn't, it wasn't hers and she knew it, someone left it there for another person to pick it up and that person knew who they were. She said it wasn't anyone's either if it didn't have a name, and that even if it did, it was the person's fault for leaving it out there, that you should know better. She said everyone would take the envelope, that I would even if I said I wouldn’t. She was obviously wrong and it made me really angry so she had to hear me for over an hour saying, a lot of people would take it, but not everyone, and I certainly wouldn't. So I would believe some things about my grandma too. Not that I think anyone that took the envelope would be a bad person. But it would speak so much about their principles, and I care way too much about that to ruin them over some damn money, no money is worth that, no one would find out, but I would know, and I’m with me 24/7. I don’t care about my reputation either, just about people not believing lies about me as I told you in another letter.

The point is I didn't do it. She didn't call me again, not for that reason, but she called me twenty days after the day she first left. That's when she wanted to come back, this woman, was apparently so deeply disturbed, and wanted to come back with someone that threatened to beat the new person she was seeing up and that kept threatening to share her naked body. I don't understand how a man this jealous would ever think it's a good idea to allow every man on Earth to look at her naked body until the end of time if I was supposedly still trying to make her come back and I told her so when she called me to accuse me, but okay.

She said he obviously lied to her, probably only to have an excuse to ditch her, he never admitted he lied and she is a plant, she doesn't care that much for justice, so I don't think she ever asked him for an explanation. Because after that day he told her that he didn't want any trouble with me, that he wanted to be an astronaut and go to Russia, a lot of stupid lies just to stop seeing her (he isn't one yet, he will be one, but I know he probably still dreams of it, I stopped checking on him after a year, he never once mentioned what he did to me, he never made any reference, any sort of apology, why would he, he probably forgot all about it after a week or so and if he didn’t he probably thought he was right to lie about me because I argued with him that one time, over wanting to sleep with my girlfriend and ditching her, I'll never understand how some people find it so easy to ruin someone's life over a lie and just move on) and she said the reason he wanted to stop seeing her was because in the end, he wanted her to do a lot of stupid things to him, he was submissive, he didn't like that she wasn't who he thought she would be in bed (they never talked about it so he had no reason to assume that she wanted to beat him up other than her angry plant face), and he wasn't either, so she didn't mind that he wanted to ditch her. They still sort of kept in touch for a month or so after that, I found out afterwards, but she just moved on with her life too and they never spoke again, they soon stopped having each other on Facebook too.

I asked her if she had really slept with him and she obviously said it was true. I couldn't help but cry because unlike what I do with my mom and my grandma, I didn't want to believe the things that I already knew she was capable of until I had proof, I even apologized for crying, I know I shouldn't have, but she never saw me cry, maybe ten times in ten years, I doubt it.

But I suddenly got an idea, because she said she wanted to come back since the start of the call, and she told me she wanted me to tell her what it was, but I said it was something bad, that she would believe the lie about me then but that it was a lie. She insisted. So I said, if she allowed me to murder him, I wouldn't mind that she slept with him, I could forget it, he would be dead, that it wouldn't be now, that it would be in ten years. No one knew what had happened between us, but I'm not an idiot, I would wait for a really long time anyway, what I wanted was her answer.

I told her all of that. She said no, of course. and she was clearly afraid now. I told her that obviously the life of someone that lied to both of us, being well aware of how important and long our relationship was, that it was clearly more meaningful then. So she immediately took everything back, and said she didn't love me (right after saying she did, that she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life, that that’s how she knew she would never do something like that again if I took her back), that she was just lonely, to forgive her, that she was sorry to bother me, but to not do that, that she actually wanted to meet other men.

I told her I would never do it if she didn't want me to. But that it would only work while she didn't sleep with someone else, because if she did, I would have no excuse to murder him of course, that I wasn't going to murder a man just for sleeping with her. So, that same night, I saw her talk about sexual stuff with him, but I know she really wasn't that much into it. She was only into being submissive and he clearly didn't want that from her, so their conversation was really stupid, and they never saw each other again other than for business, she slept with other men, and all of the story that you already know.

It speaks so much about her, though, that she would be friendly with someone that did what he did to me. For years, I would be so enraged whenever I thought of him, but thankfully, he is nothing now, he always was. I've always cared about my principles. About doing what feels right to me and only me. Not about being a good person.

I didn't want to murder him because of what he did to me, I wanted to murder him so I could forgive my ex-girlfriend, and murdering someone capable of telling such a lie wasn't against my principles. Then, the life of a disgusting coward, or fixing the life of my ex-girlfriend who was clearly suffering because I wouldn't take her back. I chose fixing the life of my ex-girlfriend of course. But if she didn't agree, it was pointless. First, because she didn't love me that much, if she wasn't willing to allow me to do whatever it took to fix her mistake. But also, because I wasn't going to murder him any time soon and I was well aware that by then she would have slept with other men anyway, making his dead pointless. I wouldn't be able to forgive her anyway. So why even bother murdering him. 

You wouldn’t remember it now but when we first started talking I told you I’ve never cared for revenge, that I didn’t waste any time with people that aren’t worth it, and that if someone is worth it then I don’t want to hurt them no matter what they did.

No, your hubris didn't become your doom. Your dumb ex-boyfriend promised more than he could deliver and that's why he ended up walking way after talking so much about love, and you obviously believed him, you had no reason to doubt him.

What you said about your boyfriend not caring about everything being in vain, we don’t know it yet, if it's actually in vain. But let's say it is. That the end is oblivion. Just think of your favorite food or of your favorite thing ever, something you truly love, yes, you do it or you eat that thing, and you know you will do it again. But even if you knew that could only eat it once, it wouldn't stop tasting good, and it would be meaningful while it's happening. 

And maybe since you will only exist while it's happening, that's because oblivion wouldn't matter, as long as we enjoy it here and as long as it has a meaning while we can actually experience what we are supposed to experience. Even if it's something like your boyfriend's dumb game.

And this also makes me think of your loved ones. Even if you were going to die and disappear completely, that still wouldn't make your love for your sister less meaningful than it is right now. So that's the point, it's important now. But that said, I'm really angry at everything involving death and I refuse to die and I want us to live forever.

This is already really long, but I'll say something that I believe about hell, I think if there is a god, punishing someone for eternity wouldn't make sense. Because let's say a man raped and murdered a lot of women and animals, and did everything bad that you can do while you are alive. After billions and billions and billions of burning or of any kind of terrible pain, that would surely be enough.

I'm not even talking about that man being sorry, maybe he wouldn't be, just afraid of the punishment going on if he doesn't change his mind. I'm just talking about the actual punishment. It would seem stupid to keep going after such a long time, billions and billions of years. What would the point even be.

That's why if there are gods, and if they have a hell, since they would probably be smarter than us, an eternal punishment would probably seem stupid to them too, and they would punish you for as long as you actually deserved it no matter what you did, but not forever.

I can't think of anyone actually deserving an eternal punishment. Not even if I try to picture (and I don't do it, that makes me feel awful) a man doing something terrible to thousands of animals, torturing them, and a lot of things but that's it, I don't want to think about it, not even then.

Because obviously there would come a time when he was done paying. I'm not saying I would like him after that, but that I would agree that it was enough. If I was a god though, I would probably find a punishment unnecessary, but that’s another thing, I was just saying why the idea of hell seems so stupid to me.

I think you are like the sea mostly because of what I've already said about it, it's strong and it's destructive, you can be if you want to, obviously, everyone that's strong can, I think. Unless you are disabled, unable to move and talk and see, and everything, that's very specific though, but then you can be destructive to yourself, I guess, you can have terrible thoughts and put yourself down. Not you obviously. But I said it was something healthy too, because of what you said yourself, you enjoy it, for so many things, most people just love the sea, and see so many things. I also said is deep and sort of endless, you are those things. I didn't read my letter again, I just thought of what I thought you had in common. But yeah, the thing about Kylo's lightsaber isn't even about traits, other than intensity, and something I felt out of nowhere.

Maybe, before I read some terrible story about some pets dying in a fire, I would have talked about something with fire. But ever since I read that, fire often makes me think about people and animals that have died in a fire, and that's terrible because a lot of deep stuff talks about fire and I can still appreciate it but it's not the same now. But it depends, I still enjoy songs that talk about fire, and if I see a bonfire and things like that, it doesn’t make me think of something else burning. I’m just no longer into comparing people to fire.

[mydreamosphere]

Annabelle me Herman kicked me to the curb he was Batman I was John Doe

Jeremy a rich ghost boy tried to take over my life, but we bonded in the end

Andi Mack was pregnant with Jonah’s child but they weren’t dating and Cyrus was jealous and tried to run away but andi told him it’s okay and to finally confess to Jonah/ Stewie was dating Brian and Brian was a bum ass nigga and an apocalypse happened and Brian proposed to stewie and became a better man, well dog, dog man? Man dog ?/ I was Geralt of rivia and went to a store with vesmer, and we laughed a lot, then I turned into a woman and my husband and his alternate universe selves fought and died and I became an alcoholic and ended up with another alternate in the end/ I was a power ranger, red one, trained a new ranger, all rangers came together after years and the we sang.

A vampire werewolf hybrid boy( he was born a vamp but made into a werewolf) was my friend but my bully and crush and turned me into a werewolf too and we had to do battle at the end and I’m sad cause he had to die but I loved him but I only just realized 😪

Magic world And human one, kinda hidden but not really. / Had massive amount of drugs, was in a true blood esque enviroment.

Club, took mad pills, nick was there, caught up and went on a date. We weren’t compatible, but we Rekindled friendship, I still loved him.

Extremely vivid dreams, lucid ones, feel so real, almost can’t tell I’m dreaming. Had powers and twin, dating same boy, interrogated ninjA turtles human versions, so hot. Fought giant troll beast creatures, killed one but he was cute.

Was in love with king of Spain even tho he’s married, I was his mistress and Assassin, we we’re sharing a cigarette and flirting, then he needed help with his sons’, Avalon, murder. Alex Lilly was there for some reason, all my old friends were Assassins with me actually. We last left off going through old castle ruins, but a spider got in the way, which the king found amusing XP

We were on water and ships and this guy didn’t want this little boy to be gay, so RuPaul raised him but he has to go away, and he cane back to visit with his boyfriend and it was so emotional and happy, then he went back to land and opened a matchmaker cafe and he had powers of love.

A movie about the apocalypse, people were turning into demons and the only way to avoid them was to remain absolutely still, I mean like the slightest movement and you were dead, it was one of the scariest dreams I’ve had. I turned into one and so did my friends, but we could retain our humanity, and we fought and found a way to the heavens and started to live in peace but god was trying to kill us all./ I found a man who could fly, and he lent me the power to do it, but I ended up being a natural with it and didn’t need his power, so he tried to get rid of me but I busted out of there and flew away.

An apocalypse and we had different groups trying to all meet up. I had oral sex with Mikey. Thanos came down and was looking for gamora, we got the help of the astrals from ffxv, but it didn’t work, and then went to destroy half the world. I killed a werewolf, but he had a boyfriend, they were werewolf priests ? It was weird, but I felt terrible and buried him. Then I was a surviver mountain-y guy with a pet bear, zombies were coming so I tried to find a place inside. I was gohan and was trying to steal moonshine from the Archean from ffxv with my friends that had a crush on me ?

My mom was giant, and kissed Eb. Eb cheated on Marcus. I was a white gay married to a bisexual gay that cheated with his old ex gf, we had kids, 4, and I loved them all. I went to a party and made friends except one of them thought I liked him cause I kept accidentally falling into.

Apocalypse I was Bayek of Siwa and then he died and then I was his eagle and it was sad and sweet. Years after apocalypse things are returning to normal in a pair of twins and they’re in love and yeah it was odd and animals evolved and adapted and were dangerous.

We were doing a play in front of the classical and in the basement was a monster witch, she tried to kill us all, even children, we ended up in a castle and the royals had powers too, come to find out she stole her powers from the old king and his magician, and they were the only ones able to get rid of her. I hitch hiked after leaving my brother, fought a bear, then I was at witch school and helping the head master defeat the evil assistant. I gave him head too.

This bitch was fucking with my friends so I destroyed her shit dumb Bitch, and we had a party to go to and she had no clothes

Freaky nightmare ghost

Murders and gore, a haunted house and a rabid buster.

Monsters and werewolves. Rival and me were wolves. In the end I rewrote history to fall in love with him.

Time hopped again, everyone was happy and alive. The best time so far, everyone was alive and I was in love with Anthony(tony).

Saw amazing band, on the ceiling, climbed and crawled around the ceiling and it was amazing. Jen turned a men tried to kill me and the bad mates got really violent, I turned out to be an old girlfriend turned into a man.

Kinda of a vuugle set up but at a restaurant setting but also a daycare. I was magic and he was a vamp and he confessed his love for me.

De-mitri was mad at me, and was my pimp, I lost my virginity. Madelane moved into my house, and Jonah from Andi Mack did too, was in love with Jonah. Stole my dad medicine.

Got shoot at, turned evil and ate my mother, wasn’t my fault, ghost friend made me evil but I got fixed. Joined a team, demitri was there, and healed people of nature, mall setting, couldn’t walk again. Turned out to be a past life. Witches tried to stop me from healing. Had sex with an evil henchmen and I was the top.

Dyed hair but eyebrows got dyed too, Luis cane down and I cleaned myself out for him, gross btw, and then turned into another cute boy who lied to me. So I stole his drugs and money with my mom.

Herman and me, sleep over. Love and stuff and sadness.

Was dating Sharon but he looked like fleury, he died, so I went to a witch, so remade him from clay and his hair took a year of baking and constant streams of my love and own power.

Sea monster, demonic, kidnapped women, criminal minds girls. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Reunion, fleury and me flirted and yeah.

An old entity split into 6 people, and they kept meeting throughout history. They didn’t remember past lives, only one did at a time, and the one who did remember got taken over. Found out that it’s bad side also broke away and was trying to take over the 6 one by one. The only way to stop it was to dispel the negativity they felt.

Boyfriend was demon, loved him. Marcus had a son.

Mona demon, fought him, tried to win.

Boyfriend and Melissa, had sex with him, was too tight for penetration so I fingered him, I had to be the top. I miss him.

Friends stay at cabin, werewolf bites girl. Head werewolf was hot

Witch and powers, haunted house. Huey Dewey and Louie, I was Donald but we were all human ?

Madelane and me were friends again ?

I was getting bullied by a boy from Michigan, but then I fell for him, Jackson, then had to leave, I texted but he didn’t respond, I felt terrible but something happened to his family and he had written me letters, come to find out he was the reason I survived a tragic fall, ended up costing him his football career. We reunited in the end. Also ran into Raymond outside of ronzios. Worked at rack room, but spent a lot of time in game stop which was also a psychiatric place ? And I made friends there, karina especially, but went by rina, and was looking for Skyrim switch but bought Pokémon emerald cards instead.

Was going to classical even tho I graduated and bunked and mr bar found me and I told him off. Then I got an uber in this cool as trolley thing and fell in love with the rider alexgoober?, something Dutch like, and we did it and then he broke up with me but we were looking for each other again.

I was a drug dealer trying to avoid getting arrested. I was looking for Reid, and we found him.

Girl fights off monster bird, after trying to set it free, and then demons. Loses memory, and her amphos weapon. but is saved by mysterious power, fast forward to now she’s living with a new family in the city. Demons exist and the only thing that hurts them is amphos, a plant that contains light. There’s a church that exists dedicated to amphos, a d fighting the demons. There are hunters who have weapons that can’t meld with the amphos, and they’re are nuns that use them too and speak a language to fight the demons off. You can speak the language and you have a necklace that wards off the demons.

Buff boyfriend had sex and I love him. Ticks, cause of rain, one crawled into my thumb.

Demons and It, uncle fester but didn’t want to be called that. I was two brothers and they had a falling out after receiving superpowers cause one received better powers, and it went to his head, and the other felt left out and unimportant and unloved by his brother, and went to demon world and got back together.

I was me, and I was babysitting ravens baby, and Melissa was Chelsea, and Corey was there and victor, but Corey still looked the same, raven had a Disney thing to go to, and when she left an apocalypse type thing happened, sully was there too. I traveled to Spain I guess and was trying to learn more Spanish.

Girl, powers from a alien ai robot, meets other like her, gives some to her best friend.

Boyfriend, first date, cooked for me, lived in veazie, had a cat, six sinks, need him back.

Cameron Boyce moist, went back in time and changed things for the better. Jenny and me. Me and a girl and this gon like boy, loved each other, he could control weather, he got hurt when we were kids, and it was our fault and it changed him and he became possessive as obsessive. We had to kill him but we loved him.

Serial killer brothers, believed they were predators and everyone else was prey. Until they met me, another predator. I got to know and connect with one of the brothers and I knew if things had been different we would’ve been something. We convinced them to have a shoot out, and I won, I shoot him in the throat, but I felt bad, and he seemed so heart broken that I killed him. I held him while he bleed to death in my arms.

Madelane back in life a bit, dating a boy, in love, was Luis at first then it wasn’t m then dating luis gets involved and boy stays instead of leaving for school.

Older robin, killed people, protected best friend Isabel, killed her abusive bf. Then younger robin, flashback to how he became robin and met Isabel at smart school and wanted to date a cute nerd boy.

Are you afraid of the dark/goosebumps. Kids set of nuclear bomb, had powers, before that, main girl (wind/air powers), was dating boy (flame powers), but he was angry, third girl was younger (powers of light and flight). Horror characters like Chucky/slappy tried to kill original victims, plus the new kids. They defeated them and helped past victims. I ended up dating angry boy instead.

Melissa and me in Japan kids, someone has to stay behind in the past She does, her ring breaks like it did before and she finally realizes why, this time our friend stays behind with the ring

Toys could come alive, and wanted freedom to be, but mainly they just wanted to be with loving kids. We fought, and I killed a few. After understanding them, and realizing they just wanted to be loved, I befriended them, and reunited with mine. After everything was said and done, my old friend turned bully, who was trying to help the toys in their rebellion rekindled with me, for some reason he ended up being homeless and moved in with me and family, we fought once more and kissed and lived in love with my toys and each other. My toys lived in the basement floorboards, like the borrowers, and every night and morning I’d knock on them to let them know I still loved them.