#honestly once i work and get enough money im moving away from this awful country

[sunasbabie]

no cause in the first place why are people allowing the people of m*arcos to buy their votes and the fucking comelec have no response to the broken machines

[ketterdamns]

a brief history

so anyway i’ve been doing a lot of work over the last year (hence why im kinda awol and maybe less positive than I used to be) and the biggest thing that has always come up is to stop retreating when I need to be honest about the things that have happened to me, when acknowledging the things in my life that have damaged me and also as an exercise to let trust my friends and others not to use this information to hurt me- the only power of these words in the hands of others is what I perceive them to have. if i give it away freely and own it it can no longer be used to hurt me, or at least, that is the general idea i might regret this. i might not. i just think i need to try because im so so so tired. 

Anyway, under the cut; csa, parental and spousal abuse, rape, trauma,drugs, addiction, basically all of the triggers. a slightly optimistic ending tho!!! 

Additionally; if you read this, please can you in some way acknowledge that u have, via text, whatsapp, dm, pm, messages, likes (no reblogs pls!!)  just so i can keep track of who knows what ty!!!!

its really hard to admit that ive never had a stable home life. never even had a stable home, from the moment i was in the womb my mum was running, away from my dad (who never let her go), from my dad’s mum- who wanted me dead for reasons my mum has never been able to divulge, from poverty and homelessness throughout my formative years. 

That’s when it started maybe, I was about 3-4/5 we ended up having to move in with my uncle (my dads brother) and his wife. it was an uncomfortable situation for all, we were a family of four intruding on newlyweds, but we were desperate and immigrants to a new country without qualifications for work or money to support us or even a job to hold down. My mum tried her best, but my brother was one and i was two years older. I ended up spending a lot of time with my uncle, who often “took me off of her hands” for afternoons. I don’t rly remember those afternoons, except that I would always play up beforehand, not wanting to go. At some point, my aunt caught on, and instead of talking to her husband, or throwing his pedo ass out, she took out her ??jealousy?? on me, and started pinching me so hard i bruised. she would blame me for my uncle’s behaviour. i was a “madame” pretending to be his “princess”, my mum caught her hitting me, and packed our bags immediately, despite my father not allowing us to leave. we had to stay in that house for another two months, and this is when my mum would never want to let me out of her sight again. And this is also the beginning of the pattern that my dad would allow these things to happen to me but I was just a baby. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening or why they were. No-one spoke to me and I had no one else in my life at that time. 

We spent some really uncomfortable years in uncomfortable places, but honestly being homeless for that year, and then moving into council accommodation was sort of the least of my worries. I was eight years old the time I was sexually and emotionally abused by my other uncle (also my dad’s brother). It was my first trip back to our home country My grandma spent all her time telling me I was awful (it turns out... she’s a piece of shit) all because I refused to call her “Mum”, she wanted to kidnap me and my brother, and idk what else. but we scuppered her plans by not going along with it. It was a very toxic and scary environment, so when my Uncle would invite me into his next door flat, and treat me with kindness, I was overjoyed. Finally, another adult I could trust! My grandparents used to police food, and essentially only allowed me one meal a day. Back in the UK we were very poor, and rarely got to have sweets unless they were gifts from other people, so my uncle already had the perfect tool to entice me. That first summer, I ate sweets and let him pamper me, slowly giving him more and more affection like sitting on his lap etc, because it meant more sweets for me and my brother. he was my favourite person in the world and i was sure that he was the one person i could truly trust and talk to about anything. I used to dream of moving in with him and living peacefully, well fed, in a quiet cosy environment. The next summer, I was nine, and my dad had almost finished his uni, meaning we were expecting more money. I had my fill of sweets. He bought me toys instead. Slowly, his requests for affection turned into demands. Slowly, his affection turned into something twisted and horrible, something dirty. I once tried to raise the point to my grandma, that sometimes my uncle did things that scared me. she told me off for being a coward. I didn’t say anything. I was getting toys, my little brother was being fed, my mum finally had a friend in my dads side of the family in him. I knew enough about unstable homes that the slightest disagreement could lead to homelessness again and I didnt want that. Maybe my silence was my strength. 

This was confirmed when he raped me when I was 12. It is the last time I will ever see that side of the family. I was in shock the whole time, I didn’t know what to do. When we got home, back onto firm cold soil and the safety of our shitty one bedroom council flat in the roughest estate , I opened up to my dad that for years i’d been terrorised by my uncle and afraid of saying something. Dads were supposed to protect their little girls from big bad men, even if that man was their brother. 

All I got for my troubles was another man who began to hurt me. Outraged that I’d ever speak something so horrible my dad began to beat me. Constantly. And if my mum got involved? He’d beat her too. she didn’t even know what was happening, but there was a point she also went silent, and it was all on me to bear the pain I’d tried to share. The following summer, my uncle died in a freak accident When I heard the news I laughed because I couldn’t help myself, and getting hit for it was worth it for the news. I never had to see him again.  He died and I was free. Except my dad never quite forgot what I had said, and he never forgave me for it. 

Anyway by this point I was a teenager, we moved again and constantly over the years until we properly settled and actually bought a house and I had a strong group of friends who didn’t mind my weirdness and my lack of skills. My mum at this point couldnt bear that I was branching out from her bubble, and something snapped in her too, she started to search my room, stalk my friends, refuse to let me out. honestly.. no i dont blame her (even tho her behaviour hasnt changed and im 23, but at the time? it increased how trapped i felt)

I was a teenager and I had a best friend. She loved a boy named DJ who was 18. DJ used to stalk me, and I kept quiet because I knew she liked him and I knew speaking up would cause me more trouble. I could look after her, and myself. DJ assaulted me one night at a party. I shouldn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing. I was already experimenting with drinks and drugs because I was dead inside anyway. he hurt me and then told my best friend that i’d hooked up with him and hoodwinked him into getting with me because i wanted to hurt her. within days that story was around school. i was the easy kid who would sleep with anyone for the drama, and i was quiet. i was terrified news would get to my mum, or my little brother who was also starting at that school. but most of all i was terrified of telling my side of the story, and to be hurt more than i was hurting already. I unfriended them all, and even though DJ continued to stalk me i kept quiet. DJ sent me a necklace with a dove, explaining the significance was that the dove was my innocence or some other weird creepy crap. my mum found it in the bin where id tried to bury it under rubbish i told her a fraction of the truth, I was being harassed by a boy and I didn’t welcome his advances. I didn’t tell her it was already too late. The school of course told him to keep away, and he did for the most part, and one time he tried to corner me while I was skiving off of a class and there was no one around, I ran and went to tell a teacher. I got told to “grow up” and sometimes “we have to get along with people we dont like”. I was the villain in their eyes. I swore  I would do everything in my power to get out of this school, go to the grammar in a new city where my reputation . DJ was arrested this year for online grooming an d sharing child pornography, and it honestly breaks my heart that its been going on for so long. maybe i should have said more, but who to? 

My time at school wasn’t all bad. And i had my first real positive experience with an older man. My english teacher once caught me unawares and I had a panic attack at being alone with a man-- he was gentle and kind, and worked with me to get to where i wanted to be grades-wise. he let me borrow his books and told me stories about his own son and i understood what real love meant, and it broke me that i’d never experienced it. 

My brother had grown so big now, and threatened my dad. if he ever lay another finger on one of us under our roof, my brother would kill him. my brother spent his childhood learning to fight, he’s in the runnings for the Olympics. My dad recognised the threat was real. And never hit me when my brother was home. However, when my brother wasn’t home... that was another story. my silence then was another kind of strength. I couldnt tell him the truth, because if he followed through on this threat, his life would be over. My dad got more sneaky, he would avoid my face, he’d grab my ankle and twist it so tight that it’s now forever fucked up. 

Despite all my fucked-up ness I did make it to grammar school, despite my parents not wanting me to go there. And im so glad i did. I finally had two years with minimal assault. My dad hurt me sometimes? The first night after my induction class because summer break, my dad took my prized hockey stick- one I’d worked long days to afford, and smashed it on my leg. I had to get crutches and didn’t leave my house for most of the summer, because I didn’t want to explain what happened. I couldn’t play my sport ever again properly. I lied to my friends and told them i was in my home country for the summer. i legit did not leave my house unless it was for doctors appts. 

 occasional nights he would be tired of me doing nothing but homework or making projects, or being loud. Alternately, he’d hate it when suddenly i became withdrawn and uncommunicative. when i physically couldn’t move etc. anyway turns out these were symptoms of my MI which wouldn’t be diagnosed for a long while, despite trying to find what was wrong with me from this point onwards.  but!!! for the most part! it was great! my school was in another city! i had freedom for a couple hours every day to do what i wanted! i made friends who embraced my weirdness! i had no reputation and i had my very own laptop finally so i could finally have some privacy!

too much privacy, i refused to give my mum my laptop password. hearing this, my dad threw my laptop down the stairs. 

i used what little money i had from part time jobs to fix it, but its something im resentful of to this day. my mum, in her eagerness to protect me, just let him hurt me again. 

anyway blah blah blah i moved to london and it was amazing i ran away i was free everything was going to change and i was finally going to be the person i always knew i was destined to be! chic and cosmopolitan and cool and confident and most importantly, safe, and comfortable, and in control. And I was. and then three weeks before halloween it happened again. i’d been away from home for two months now, and i’d started dabbling in harder drugs than weed, but that night i was not high. i was not in withdrawal. i was only drunk. i got raped again. this time, i did report it, but only because my housemates knew it had happened. i got rushed to A&E where they are legally required to call the police. the police took me to their HQ and i was interviewed. they arrested him. none of this was my choice, and my lack of silence led to a lack of control. I know ive been detailed already, but i wont go into detail about the rape kits they have and the questions i got asked and the journalists who dogged me and the nosy gossips who wanted to know the juicy deets. I don’t want to go into detail about how i realised I was a victim and was always going to be a victim, and i cant go into detail about the most recent abuses, not yet. All I know is i once thought i was in love with a boy called ‘T’, and what he did to me was worse because he made me believe this was all I could get and that I had to settle. He made me believe that him getting off on my trauma was love, instead of him picturing me as a child repeatedly brutalised by my male relatives. The moment I came to my senses and he was gone, I realised I was alone again. I failed my second year of uni, because the day before my final exam, my rapists wife found my house in london, idk how. She and her child begged me to help her husband’s appeal. I sympathised with her, she was a non-native with broken english looking after her kid. She reminded me of my mum. I told her for her chid’s sake and for her sake, I couldn’t. She cursed me and nothing has been the same since. actually, the lovely people of tumblr helped me raise the funds to complete summer school and carry on with my life. i now hold a masters degree. i remember each and every one of u who donated or signal boosted. i also remember my choice to keep his wife out of it, and not mention her. silence was golden. 

This year my rapist  was deported after raping another person when he was released for good behaviour. 

anyway. despite all of this magnitude of shit that has happened to me. despite my numerous addictions that im still working thru (im sorry if u knew me when i was nothing but a junkie. at 19/20 I was not a good person and anything I said that was thoughtful or provocative came from a bad place. I gave bad advice and abused my medication alongside brown and alcohol. My manic episodes got worse than I’ve ever experienced and usually led to me some very dark very scary places. I’m mostly better now but the last year has Been A Lot. I tried to kill myself twice. Once, I was saved by police, which is... embarrassing and I lied my ass off (and brandished the fact i was a MASTERS STUDENT OF LAW and they had entirely the wrong end of the stick) and another time, i was saved by chance. I am making so much progress tho. I’m proud of me. I’ve become more independent. I’m not afraid to speak out when I’m dissatisfied now. I know strength comes from knowing what you want and what you don’t want, not settling for the worst because unknown reactions in my imagination are worse than whatever reality has in store. 

im graduating from my masters next week. i feel as tho ive lost a lot of friends and people i cared about- all i can say is im sorry. i’m trying. but if i fuck up, its on me. if i speak too loudly and it hurts you, please tell me. if i dropped away, its because i had to work on me, and im sorry, and im ready to come back, if you’ll have me.  I’m really excited about the future, but im scared too. the last three months have been so hard and every day i feel like giving up again, but I won’t. there has to be a reason i survived all this, and im yet to find it, but i hope i will. im still going thru shit. my dad is still the worst. but i have a really lovely partner who is so so so patient with me- more than i deserve, im in touch with a doctor and a sleep therapist, my brother is looking out for me and im getting in touch with old friends, and im making new ones all the time. thank you for sticking by me, and sorry for the long read. i just had to get it out there you know? its my truth and the silence was killing more than anything else in this stupid story is. ive left lots of details out, but parts of my story interlink with others and other parts im still holding onto, i cant share everything online i think thats enough oversharing for a long long time. 

[smallstoriesiwrite]

Second choice Part 4

before I start heyyyyy sorry for the late fic I was traveling out of the country for family issues and almost spent a month there and trust me I wasn't happy nor my boss 😬

NEWAYS here is part 4 I wrote it in the span of 3 weeks. hopefully is good if not im so sorry :/

Reiner x f!reader , Tenya x reader

Summary: when Tenya decides to put his girlfriend second and she breaks up with him will he win her back or will her childhood lover win her love back and take her away to her hometown?

Warnings: fighting and cursing

some horrible spelling errors

part: 1 , 2, 3

Y/n pov:

“You really need to shut up at times Poc.” I said groaning

“Well it is true n/n. You and Rei are like the love story who always wins at the end.” Marcel spoke up

Sitting up more comfortable I look over to see Tenya look so sad. And at the same time I look up at Reiner who had a small smile.

Conversation went on within my childhood Friends and family as well with the Iidas.

Zoning out a bit I felt Reiner squeeze my hip for attention.

Looking up I hear Reiner say

“You zoned out didn’t you”

Nodding my head

“Can you repeat what you said please” I say

“Well we where all saying how much we miss you back in Marley and how lonely it is without you there. And Zeke talked to the higher ups and if you do come back you can graduate this year and work along side of us. Of course as a underground hero.” Annie said

I looked in awe

“Wait really?! If I go back with y’all like this week or month I graduate at the end of the term?!”

They all smiled and nodded

“You will probably be with the advanced kids because your going to UA and if the credits transfer correctly regardless or not you would graduate at the end of the term” Zeke explained

I looked over to my parents and they spoke up

“We know you don’t like the fame we get for our Industry. And as well you want to leave back to Marley. So it’s up to you my love. We have family out there or you can stay with your friends in the house they share.” My father spoke up

“Well I would love to go back but I don’t know. When do I have to make the decision Z?”

“Well n/n we need a answer by next weekend. You know how they get. This is a opportunity that they usually don’t have for transfers especially for almost ending the term.” Zeke spoke

Looking around I see my childhood friends with pleading eyes but I see Shoji with sad but happy eyes and lastly I see Tenya. Looking dead at me with concern and mix emotions I couldn’t read.

“Let me think about it. I’ll have a definitive answer when y’all go back for sure.” I say while looking at Zeke

He chuclkles and ruffles my hair

“Alrighty doll. You know we will kill to have you back. But if you decided to stay. That’s okay too.”

“Even I miss you. And I’m not good with expressing that “ Porco said mumbling

Smiling I threw my self at Porco

“AWWWWW DOES POC MISS LITTLE OLD ME?!” I say while hugging Porco

“SHUT UP WILL YOU?! Only reason I say that is because Reiner hasn’t stopped moping since the day you left!” Porco said while pouting

Getting up I stretched

“Well im going to go nap. Some people decided to come earlier than expected. And yes Zeke I’ll keep you posted on what I decide. Need to talk to the fam alone you know?”

Peick spoke up

“Can we join you we are as well kinda tired. Even Mezo looks kinda sleepy.”

“Yeah we can head up to my room I’ll leave a movie playing for the ones who don’t want to sleep.” I saw motioning everyone to my room

“We can join too right? “ My sibling spoke up

“Yes everyone come”

[time skip to your room]

“Move over or I swear to god I’ll knock your teeth in” Porco yelled while fighting room for the bed

“POC will you please be kind to Reiner for once!” I yelled

“And rei move up here there is space here” I say while pulling him up

“After all these years Porco you still are rude to me. You are legit my friend and as well childhood bully.” Reiner grunts while sitting next to me

I hear laughter

“Wait so your his friend but used to be bully” Tensie said

“Yeah. We all decided to leave the bully part in the pass but we still argue all the time.” Reiner says

“So it’s like Midorya and Bakugo?” Tenya speaks up finally

“Eh. Explosive hates broccoli head with a passion still. So nah they ain’t like that Rie and Poc. They settles there differences and just fight like brothers. “ i say

“It’s tough love” Porco and Reiner say in sync

Tenya nodded and sat in the beanbag chairs

“So what movie?” Athena spoke up

“Well y’all choose Im napping. And for the love of god don’t yell or yalls eyes are for dinner.” I say yawning and curling up to Reiner

I close my eyes and slowly drifted to sleep

Reiners POV:

I feel y/n softly sleep and look up and see Peick Bert and Marcel sleeping when I hear somone say softly

“Will she really move schools?”

I look up and I see Porco say

I shrugged and respond

“It’s up to her poc. I know we miss her. God knows I do. And I know the rest of you do. But we have to wait for her to respond. Even if she says yes or no I will support her.”

“How would you guys feel if she left with us” Zeke asked Athena

“I mean she is out little sister. But her happiness comes first. And if leaving with you guys makes her happy. We will have to make a monthly visit to our home town” Athena said

“And you mezo?” Zeke asked

“Well i would miss her dearly but like Athena said if leaving makes her happy. I’ll visit and get to know the town y/n speaks so beautiful of.” Shoji said smiling sadly

“At the end of the day it’s up to her and it looks like both parties just want the best for her” the eldest Iida spoke

We all nodded

“She needs a break from here. I know you all won’t say it but I will. She was mine and Peicks first ever female friend besides each-other. I’m honestly on edge even looking at you Tenya. I’m saying this up front I don’t like you. You broke the only person who couldn’t be broken. And god knows she has more problems than this break up. Shit we where rooting for you. She called us so happy every time you would do something amazing to make her day. Even Reiner stepped away for a hot ass minute so she could love you fully. But dude you fucked it up. So if she isn’t leaving with us may god help me because I would be damn if she gave you another chance.” Annie spoke firmly

“Annie bold as ever.” Zeke sighed

“But shes right. We don’t like you” Porco spoke up

“But because our y/n is friend and our family we won’t do nothing to you.” I spoke up

I turn to see Tenya stiff as ever

“And you know her saying” Annie said

“Second chances never matter people never change” Me,Zeke,Porco and Annie said in sync

“What if I do get a second chance. You may never know?” Tenya spoke up

Scoffing I looked him dead in the eyes

“I’d be damn if I let you hurt her again. “

“Well to recall you are her first everything meaning her first ex? Wonder why” Tenya said boldly

“How are you even sure she will give you a second chance as well” he continued

Softly moving y/n off my chest I stand up and made my way towards Tenya with him standing up in the process confidently

Looking straight into Tenyas soul

“Because unlike you four eyes. I’m still her friend. We ended on a good note.”

Getting closer

“You ain’t shit Tenya Iida. Your money or fancy quirk doesn’t make you less of a man you claim you are. I’ll make sure you will see her happy that it pains you. Because unlike you I will make time for her and I will never EVER make her feel less than the Queen she is.”

I continued

“Because I recall being there for her in the days where she was drained from training . And holding her while she cried. Being there for her. You couldn’t do that as a boyfriend. What makes you think you are the one for her?”

Looking him dead in the eyes and smirking

“Just face it Iida. You where never enough for her”

Tenya pov :

“You where never enough for her”

All I felt my body swing to Reiners face