#hopefully I'll be back with some lighthearted joy soon

[sapphire-heart-tippy]

Pretty tired right now, but hopefully I'll remember to do this one day:

Looking back at my old art work (pre transition), I realized that I would draw my s/i scowling all the time. My s/i was always in a bad mood and so was I. I would try to make them be fun and mischievous like how I do with my s/i now, but it would always fall flat without fail.

My s/i was miserable, and I don't think that many people (myself included) actually liked them very much. Though I did get fan art and stuff, my s/is were just so insufferably bitter and gloomy. I don't regret the friends I've made, the laughs and the fun I've had, but I do regret not knowing I was trans sooner.

Admittedly, I knew deep down in my heart that I was queer in some way. I couldn't put my finger on it until about last summer or so. That's when my s/is started smiling...

When I found out, I am indeed, a boy... That was when the smiles came out. That was when I felt happy. I had finally unlocked a door to my life that allowed me to experience a certain joy and freedom I have never felt before.

Pre transition, I felt miserable. I was bitter, hateful, mean, cold, jealous... Yes, jealous. I'm not going to lie, every now and then I still struggle with jealousy just a little bit. That does not make you a bad person, it's an emotion (albeit negative, but so is anger). I would never press my jealousy onto anyone, but it sure as hell beat my ass. (If you struggle with jealousy as well, just know you're not "ToXiC™", you have certain feelings that need to be addressed and handled with care instead of ridicule and shame. For some reason, I've noticed this is one of those emotions people actively encourage you to bottle up. Which is extremely unhealthy. If you have a therapist, please bring it up with them. From my own personal experience, it was something deeper that stems from childhood. I believe in you, you are not a bad person for feeling "bad things" or having "bad" mental/emotional issues. You are just as worthy of help and care as everyone else.) (I digress, I'm sorry)

Now that I'm fully aware of who I am and who I want to become, I feel no reason to be jealous or have such a negative demeanor anymore...I have no need to feel miserable and have it eat away at my insides anymore. I'm free.

The only s/i of mine that ever smiled in their introduction page, is the one I have right now. He's happy. He's content. He's everything I am and want to be.

One day, I'll do a little collage of my pre transition s/is for comparison with my newest one, just to show the stark contrast of emotion. He's funny, he's silly, he's a jokester, a lighthearted little imp who pulls funny pranks on his crush and soon to be boyfriend/husband. Yes, he's still traumatized and struggles with the pain sometimes, but he's happy. He's finally fucking happy... And that self insert is me. 🏳️‍⚧️💙💙💙🏳️‍⚧️

[dramajib]

I’m proud to say I’m Singaporean, but lately I’ve become more and more disappointed with my country.

Our pledge states that we are a democratic society, “regardless of race, language, or religion”, but the amount of microagressions and casual racism our minorities face on a daily basis is so mind boggling that most people prefer to just close their eyes to it rather than try to fix the problem.

Given the state of the world, and the news stories we read, I would expect more from my countrymen.

Recently, a nationwide advertisement was released, with a Chinese man dressed up in a headscarf to portray a Muslim woman, and his face painted brown to portray an Indian man. This ad managed to go through levels of approval, and not one person during that process, from conceptualization to actualization across the entire country, saw anything wrong in it.

When the public eventually pointed out how offensive that was, an apology was issued, the ad was taken down, and we were all supposed to be satisfied with that.

Two local entertainers, not satisfied with that level of response, created a video, parodying Iggy Azalea’s Fuck It Up. This wasn’t the first time ‘brownface’ had been called out in our country, someone, somewhere along the line, surely must have known that this wasn’t okay.

The response to that video?

A police investigation was launched. Not against the creators of the initial ad, but against the video.

My country’s law minister issued a statement saying a line had been crossed, and that the video “ insults Chinese Singaporeans, uses four-letter words on Chinese Singaporeans” (note: the lyrics of the parody song state “(racist) Chinese people out here fucking things up”. Not once does the phrase “fuck Chinese people” ever occur).

This is an offence, while the ad was a mistake, because apparently this video shows a “deliberate intent to wound the religious or racial feelings of any person“, which is against the law.

Multiple other government officials, notably all from minority races, have continued to condemn the video.

No such condemnation was made when the ad was aired, when the apology was made, when the ad was pulled.

The issue goes further than just the disparity in response to these two incidents though.

Subhas, the rapper in the video, had worked with migrant workers in Singapore, to create a song titled Utopia, highlighting their struggles in the country. It was to be part of a documentary by Channel News Asia, in celebration of Singapore’s National Day on the 9th of August.

After the announcement of this police investigation, Subhas’ section of the documentary was pulled - along with the work of the migrant workers. Their story is no longer going to be told, because someone somewhere has decided that this perceived attack on all Chinese Singaporeans is unlawful.

I’d love to say I come from a multicultural country, where I feel safe as a minority, where I know my voice will be heard. But that would be a lie.

Instead, I have to now say I come from a country where I am expected to be tolerant of other peoples mistakes, I am expected to be responsible for educating others on how not to be offensive, and I am expected to file a police report when I am offended, but also to not be surprised when the authorities tell me that “no laws have been broken”.

I come from a country where it’s safe to walk home alone at 3 in the morning, but only if I’m willing to hear people make casual racist remarks and generalizations, and not get offended when I’m told to “learn how to take a joke” and “not take things so seriously”.

I come from a country where I have to watch my words, but silently acquiesce to offensive things said to me.

I come from a country that is young, is struggling to grow up, but thinks it has a long tradition and culture to uphold, that thinks it knows better.

I come from a country that is no better than the young people I work with on a daily basis, and I’m struggling to hold on to the belief that like my students, my country has potential, and will eventually shine.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-49205225

Change.org petition for including the migrant workers’ voices in the documentary