#how can you be full of emptiness? which is by definition absence? idk. but thats what it is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soldier-poet-king · 7 months

Text

Literally went to brush my teeth and was struck by overhwleming anxiety about a hypothetical situation that might not even come to pass (I get that new job that I want and I have to tell my current boss that I'm leaving in the middle of this big project that I partially initiated & am the only person in-office currently competent enough to do it. It's not impossible, I'm writing clear guides, but they'll have to hire someone else who probably won't be as thrilled about the finnicky bits or as patient and accommodating and people pleasing with all the nonsense that goes on)

And THEN I saw/noticed smthn on tumblr that made me feel REALLY bad about myself and it's just. 👉👈 Are you mad at me? What did I do wrong? Is absolutely NOT the appropriate or mature response here so I'm gonna keep my damn mouth shut but also. Consider. I am a desperate void with abandonment issues living with the knowledge that everyone eventually gets tired of me, if I don't manage to push them away with my badness first like

Who out here living with the foundational belief that they are a fundamentally un-likeable/unlovable person, a fundamentally bad person, and beneath it all not even really A Real Person but just a gross void and that's why you can't keep any friends & will always be lonely

I can't even blame the internet bc being offline is equally lonely given the limitations of my day to day life, and it's all just different flavours of the same isolation

#the duality of fran #this is just self pity ignore me im going to go curl up in bed and cry i think #at least my sheets are clean #idk. it's just. this unending grief #and i had been having a good time playing bg3 with rose and j #and then just???#it feels like life is kinda just an endless cycle of this #and maybe its normal and happens to everyone and im just too sensitive to it #idk how to not feel it so deeply or personally. idk that i want to #i just. give up #went to mass tonight so tmrws goals. meal plan and grocery run. read atfots all day probably. maybe bake #but mostly just curl up woth atfots and hide. it isnt hitting the same as hote #but kips personal desires. his hidden want in it. the endlessness of it #its the same melancholy as Tolkien's elves. the sea longing and cry of the gulls #and i am full up of that empty longing #how can you be full of emptiness? which is by definition absence? idk. but thats what it is #also my skin is itchy

18 notes · View notes