#how tender physical companionship was destroyed for him and by him because of Tony

[amethyst-noir]

Stephen tries (repeatedly) to use the whole ‘it’s not about you’ thing as an excuse for his self-sacrificing and Tony is just not having any of it, like “no Stephen, that isn’t a reason to get hurt for no reason. You are important to me, so kindly try not to die on me”

(My iTunes just gave me Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus so I guess the time has come to answer this ask. 😉) I would love to do a whole novel about this but I just know that I would never get to it so better like this than not at all, right? And it’s a recurring theme in my stories anyway, so...

(Surfacing is the best example; it’s even in the summary). Because this is one of the cornerstones I base my characterization of those two idiots in love on.

They both have too much of the self-sacrifice gene but Stephen really takes it to an extreme with the whole “it’s not about me” thing. He has really internalized that shit and it’s fucking him up. Badly. I don’t think he’s even aware of it since his self-worth is… how do I formulate that nicely?

He doesn’t have any.

He has pride in his skills. He knows that he was a damn good surgeon and now is a quite capable sorcerer with the potential for more. But all those facts don’t help with his self-hate.

Tony has a fight against windmills on his hands. It’s not going to be pretty and there will be a lot of arguments between them because of that.

I headcanon as Tony slightly better off as Stephen in the self-worth and self-sacrifice department. Because if both of them were equally broken down then they would make some kind of fucking suicide pact and that would be it. But Tony has been in this crazy life longer and has the long-time support of friends and (found) family. He will totally pull Stephen into his family and try to integrate him as well as possible. They (Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, May, Peter, FRIDAY and the bots) will get to know and love Stephen in all his imperfect glory and try to support him like they have supported Tony all those years. (Stephen in turn brings Christine and a reluctant Wong. Pepper, Christine and May become great friends, outside the superheroes in their lives. There are regular meetings for pizza and wine and Happy sometimes tags along.)

Tony in particular will work steadily on Stephen and his self-worth and slowly, oh so very slowly, brings Stephen back from the dark corner he has himself imprisoned in. He will show him that he deserves love, care and companionship. And tenderness. (All the things the threw away when he sent Christine away, too bitter and eaten alive by self-hate to see how he was destroying himself even more with that act of careless cruelty.)

It’s baby steps because Stephen is so stubborn it defies description.

Tony will probably have to make the sacrifice play to make Stephen realize that it hasn’t been “not about him” but about them for a long time now. And the guilt is going to eat him alive once again. But this time he can’t give up his whole life and search for a new beginning because now he has responsibilities he can’t run away from. And those include taking care of Tony and helping him recover.

(Do I love the idea of Tony taking care of Stephen? Yes, I do! But I also love the reverse when Stephen is there for Tony for each and every step. Not only the very important emotional support but since he’s a doctor he can actively assist in the physical side of Tony’s recovery. Their relationship is a constant ebb and flow of giving and receiving and I wouldn’t have it any other way.)