#how tf was i supposed to know the appointment is over at 3:45?! i just got back to the house! I haven't talked to anyone yet!

[hale-of-stiles-heart]

mom's lil bf working from home and having clients come to the house is so fucking annoying and I keep finding new reasons to be annoyed about it

[dungeonsndiapers]

Update

Posting about Kennedy starting school made me realize I missed posting here.

So update...

Kennedy, she's an awesome kid. She's funny and so damn smart. Her vocabulary is insane and often she says things and I have to makes sure that's what she actually said because it doesnt seem like it would come out of a 4 year old. She so inquisitive. I know its common at her age to never shut the fuck up, but she doesn't just ask questions for the sake of speaking. She wants to know so much about the world around her. Like I said in my previous post she started pre school. Its a 3 day a week program and she doesnt go all day, its mainly for social interaction. I knew when I became a parent that would be a difficult aspect for me to navigate, being someone who has such bad social anxiety that I find it difficult to leave the house... but I didn't know how much self judgement and hatred would be uncovered by this. So I am glad to see her go off and make friend and socialize with kids her age, because she wants to so desperately, and its been severely lacking and I sort of hate myself more and more each day over my inability to just go out and interact with people. (Like seriously what is wrong with me that I feel anxious and awkward around children).

Jefferson, is also an awesome kid. He's also... a lot. He started walking at 8 months and shortly after that learned how much he liked to jump and climb, and he never, ever stops. He keeps me on my toes for sure. He is also 2 months away from being two years old and is completely non verbal. Not one word. He babbles, he says "ma ma" but its never at me. He's never assigned a sound to a word. He scored in the "medium risk" category at his 15 month assessment for autism and will be reevaluated in January for his two year appointment. In the mean time we have an appointment with audiology to test his hearing and then after that speech therapy evaluation. He also has... idk sensory issues. He's always had a sensitive gag reflex, and now that results in him throwing up (not spitting up, straight up vomit) at least once a week. If he cries too hard he'll start gagging and throw up. If he put too much food in his mouth, gagging and throwing up. If we give him food he isn't familiar with and decides he doesnt trust it, gag and throw up (Sometimes without even tasting it). Its... exhausting. We've been told that some kids are like that and he is physically very health and getting all the nutrition he needs so we shouldn't worry. But the cleaning vomit up gets tiresome. However.... he may not very giving will his smiles, but when he trusts you enough to let you in he's the most affectionate and happy kid. His smile and laugh are everything. He's also really smart. He understands how things works, he just doesn't know how to tell us. if he's thirsty he will put his cup on the fridge where the water dispenser is. When he doesn't want to watch something on TV, he'll grab the remote and put it in our hands. Things will get better. At least he's mostly sleeping through the night.

Bill is doing good. Idk he's just Bill. I wish he has more of a social life here. He doesn't seemed super bothered by it though. Maybe because he interacts with people at work. I just want him to be happy.

As for me, I don't think I'm doing great. I feel incredibly lonely. Being a parent is so isolating, especially in a pandemic. And on top of that I am completely incapable of making friends. I have been in Washington for almost 4 years and I haven't made one friend. Literally not one. And the thought of having to talk to people makes my chest feel tight so... cool guess I'll just be lonely. I have started talking to a therapist, but its hard because I hate telehealth but there isn't really another option for us. (I know its seems weird that someone with anxiety like me would love to not have to talk face to face but I also have a lot of anxiety about not being able to hear them or them not being able to hear me or having problems with my internet and the picture wont load. Guys idk what to say I'm fucking insane) Even if they did have in person sessions, when tf am I supposed to go? I have two kids, one who is difficult and no one to really watch them on a consistent basis for something like therapy. So telehealth is the only option while Bill works from home and tries to watch the kids. But it's really difficult to focus when I can hear Jefferson crying upstairs or when I'm all done and I feel emotionally rung out because I have been crying for 45 minutes non stop, I have to be immediately back into mom mode because Bill has to get back to work. It's a mess. I'm a mess. I'm constantly overstimulated. And I'm so tired.