#how to survive identity theft and online impersonation and a crusade by my ex or someone pretending to be my ex

[yther]

Two (or was it 3?) years ago I spent "christmas" and the next week in the same pair of clothes on a bed with no sheet or blanket and I used a trash bag when I was too cold. I weighed 20lbs less but I had muscle still. I wish I knew then what I knew now. I would go back to absolute hopelessness and scarcity if I could save myself from the people I'd meet or the person I was with.

But mostly, I regret that I gave up, I thought I had nothing more to lose when in reality I had my whole life, still. I had my life. I had a FUCKTON more health, even though I clearly took it for granted. And as much as I feel like I did back then, that I have nothing at all to lose, I have learned It can always get worse! AlWAYS!

Suicide is not reliable, brain damage sucks. So... Shit really really sucks this year and I promised myself that I wouldn't endure another, but I should break that promise..? I should find a way to survive. But I am so tired and hurt and angry. So confused.

I miss humanity. I miss... so much and I'll never understand what has been done to me or taken from me (at least to the full extent). I need to find my way back to some community, somewhere somehow. I need to fight this vicious isolation and recover from the harassment and violation. I need to "fight" - I'm not sure what that means anymore. I need to survive, and that itself is a fight I'm losing.

I don't see any path forward, but I know there is one..? I also know I have been terrorized and traumatized for so long I can barely speak coherently irl. I didn't sleep or eat and terror as an energy source has a hell of a price. I don't trust myself to think. Really think and make important decisions. I desperately need that ability but I'm only getting more exhausted and malnourished and broken and afraid..

Survival is resistance but <forever blinking cursor>