#however i am very much not. i fall very obviously directly into stereotypical average female | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

girlscience · 2 years

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i like to say that i am over everything i was taught as a child and other times i realize i have been having periodic breakdowns about sexual dimorphism since i was 10 and whatever caused that is very much still alive and well in the recesses of my mind

#(sorry for coming back just to dump this depressing ass post but i am not having a good time)#i know there are people outside and between the categories of strictly male/female in regards to like hormones and phenotype and such #however i am very much not. i fall very obviously directly into stereotypical average female #and sometimes it makes me want to kill people and myself #before i could get angry and yell at god for this but i don't believe in god so now it just turns into directionless hatred and anger and r #*rage #i know. I KNOW. physical strength is not the only thing that matters in a person! I KNOW THAT #ON THE OTHER HAND #the fact no matter what i do there will always be a man stronger than me makes me want to commit horrifically violent acts #and like. men that don't even have to try hard. not just that somewhere out there there is a Extreme bodybuilder who is stronger than me #no it's like. i will always work with men stronger than me. there will always be men stronger than me in my family #just regular average dudes who have denser bones and longer arms and better muscles #just because they got male fucking puberty #and it makes me unimaginably angry #and has since i was a very small child #and it's not like anger at not being the strongest person in the world or that generally there are people out there stronger than me #its specifically that male bodies got something i wanted so so desperately and i can't ever have it #and then on top of that my brain assigns a higher value to that thing i can't have #so because i don't have it i am automatically lesser for something i have absolutely zero control of #and it's not even something that really affects my life???? like i'm not competitive i'm not in sports #it's extremely unlikely i will ever be in a fist fight with a man #it's not like i can't do all the things like build a cabin and learn to wield swords or climb trees or run a farm #but some stupid fucking piece of my brain just does not give a single shit about any of that and i hate it and it makes me hate myself #and then i get angry because ive never actually studied this so maybe im wrong and i just drank the fundie christianity/terf koolaid #and im have just been ripping myself to shreds over fucking nothing for over a decade #but i dont KNOW and im too scared to look into it because what if they are right? what then? what do i do about that?#like i dont want to off myself and just leave a note that's like 'sorry my bones werent dense enough so i had to die. love yall'#like fuck that #but i don't know how to GET OVER THIS and it is awful

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