#however when it comes to interpersonal relationships irl and online it's a problem. especially when logically you KNOW your circle doesn't

[eclaire-went-bam]

bcs i'm aware of how i automatically percieve people, i earnestly try to give the benefit of the doubt a lot. i tend to believe people are Actually Just That Dumb™ when they're joking about something, so i try to get ahead of that & tell myself people are joking when they say something stupid, so that i don't look stupid

all i've learnt in doing that, is most of the time, people aren't joking. they actually did mean what they say, & i made the situation 10× worse by laughing at what they said.

not only does it reinforce the idea in my head that people are Dumb so i need to take the reins on literally Everything, but it also leads people to believe i'm making fun of them for saying something silly & talking to me less, when, if i knew it were a genuine thing they thought, i would have gladly explained it without judgement

but i don't really know how to stop treating them as jokes, because what if they ARE joking so they laugh at me for how Stupid i am for taking the bait? i can't handle being made a fool of, i think i'd rather die

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

How to deal with a parent who forces gender roles onto a gender confused child??? I need reassurance help ugh I don't knwo what to do it bothers me and I 'm overwhelmed

Harper says:I don’t know specifics, so I’ll try and keep my advice wide-ranging. The first half of this assumes you are the child dealing with your own parent, and the second half will assume you know a child who’s parent is enforcing gender roles.

1:

In this section I’m assuming you are the child mentioned in the ask, so hey there!

The first thing you should do is check out our resources on non-supportive people and parents at the end of this section, you’re more likely to find something that caters to your needs as I don’t know specifics.

Secondly, my advice is, if possible, to spend time in spaces where you are accepted and validated. This could be online or with friends irl. If possible, you may also want to spend time finding new friends or safe spaces in LGBT centres/LGBT orientated places. I know talking about shared experiences with friends can really help work through the stress, anger, and fears of having unaccepting parent(s). And even if you’re not talking about all that, just spending time with people who respect and understand you can do a lot for your mental health and ability to deal with parents. It can also provide a space to experiment with gender: to try on different clothes, pronouns, and so on, which is very important when you’re trying to figure things out and your parent is enforcing strict roles.

I would also advise, if at all possible and safe to do so, going to therapy and discussing these things. It can open up methods of dealing with frustrations, provide support, and open up channels and methods of talking with your parent about such issues.

It may come to the point of talking to parent about gender, to make them aware that what they are doing distresses you. During this conversation, it is good to be confident in and knowledgeable about what you’re talking about. This can calm your parent down and make them more receptive to what you’re telling them. In your case, being so confused about gender, it can be very unproductive to have these conversations, especially with high emotions about. I’d then say perhaps do some reading, find a way of expressing what gender is in a way that your parent will likely listen to. Our for parents/guardians page (linked below too) is a good place to start. I would also consider the possibility that if you do have this conversation, your parent may ask “what are you? / what do you identify as?” if you’re confused about this, you may want to try our what am I page?, but I’d also highlight that to say “I don’t know yet” or other negative definitions like “I’m not x, or y, or z” is also a perfectly valid response, even if that is difficult for your parent to accept at first.Lastly, I’ll signpost you to our various pages linked on our desktop theme. Hopefully there’ll be something there to help you cope, either with presentation, validation, mental health etc.. I also want to remind you that it can take a long time for parents to come round and understand and accept you, and it unfortunately, it may never happen. Be patient but stay safe.

Resources:

Transfeminine resources

Transmasculine resources

Non-binary resources

Dysphoria Page

Mental health

What am I?

What if someone is not supportive after I come out?

Help, someone wasn’t supportive/won’t call my by my name/pronouns

How to deal with parents that are not accepting

Problem solving packet

Parents who won’t use name/pronouns

Interpersonal relationships

Transgender Advice: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Ally Moms

Send them our for parents page

A Letter to Parents Who Don’t Accept Their Gay and Transgender Children

Rejected by your parents? You are not alone. (Leelah Alcorn suicide mention)

How to help someone who forgets your pronouns

Scientific evidence about gender/sexuality stuff

More resources for parents:

Trans 101 / Trans 101 Youtube videos / More trans 101

Understanding Transgender: Why are people transgender?

Genderqueer/Nonbinary 101

What does dysphoria feel like?

Transgender FAQ

Things to not say to a trans person

Think you’ve got “trans” down, but still feel confused about “non-binary”?

What does transgender mean?

More on what being transgender means

Glossary of Terms - Transgender

Basic questions about trans people, answered

Tips for allies

What is intersex and is it the same as being trans?

List of recommended resources

List of offensive terms

How to support a trans person experiencing body dysphoria

Gender neutral titles

How to be a good ally to nonbinary people

10 myths about nonbinary people that it’s time to unlearn

Experiencing a common gender, experiencing a unique gender, and experiencing multiple genders

Why gender and sex are both social constructs

Learning how to be a better ally to trans people (video)

PFLAG’s guide to being a trans ally

Send them our for parents page

A Letter to Parents Who Don’t Accept Their Gay and Transgender Children

Reasons why they/them pronouns are okay to use

So your child is non-binary

2:

In this section, I am assuming you know a child who’s parent is enforcing gender roles. For the majority of this section, I’m going to assume here you’re closer in age to the child rather than the parent, and the child is notably younger than you.

In such a situation, there may be very little you can do to ‘deal’ with the parent directly. The parent may not be really able to talk with you, or indeed listen, and any talk along the lines of “I think you are treating your child wrong…” etc. is likely to shut down any conversation. (This may not be the case. You might be a similar age to the parent and friends with them, if so perhaps they could be a little more open to such talks?)

I also think you have to acknowledge that there might be, unfortunately, very little you can legally or actually do in such a situation. However, if the situation is abusive, child protection services may have to be called in. See this post on action dealing with abusive parenting. CW for abuse, trauma, parents, etc..

If it is safe for you to do so, providing the child with even an awareness of the possibilities of the varieties of gender expression could be a way to help out. Subtly changing your language around them to acknowledge trans and non-binary people, or any form of gendered variance, for example: if the instance of boys wearing skirts or makeup comes up express how that is an o.k. and good thing! Or perhaps, change your language, and encourage language that is gender neutral. “Pals” or “folks” instead of “guys” or “dudes”. “They” instead of assuming gendered pronouns. Even though its subtle, representation and language use like this can be incredibly important, as it not only opens up the possibilities to trans children, but also starts a conversation examining the gender roles all children (cis, trans, etc.) are subject to (however gender confused they may be). If you’re in a position to share media/stories/whatever that are safe for kids that include varying modes of gender performance could be good! There’s a growing number of children’s books that deal with trans people and gnc performances. The Boy and the Bindi by Vivek Shraya comes to mind.If the child is older, it might be an idea to direct them to resources where they can learn in their own time about gender and sexuality. Our blog for example!I would lastly like to stress that directly confronting the child with things like: “you’re gender confused, I am going to help you.” will be accusatory and stressful, and may create an unsafe situation for the child. What I am advising, if it is within your means to do so, is to include the avenues for further learning about gender within your conversations and within your language in a non-confrontational way. Always take into account yours and the child’s safety, and educate gently, but positively.