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kweebtrash · 5 years

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When I Was In Love (M)

Sexual Liberation Ch 14-Everyone Focused

Pairings: Hui/Kino/Hongseok/E’Dawn x Reader/OC

Genre: College AU, Smut, Angst

Summary: College is about experimentation, being free, and having no strings attached fun. Hui, Kino, And E’Dawn have messed around with their best friend ever since last spring. Now that summer is over and they’re back in America, their sexual antics have intensified especially when everyone starts catching feels. Throw Hongseok into the mix and it creates a swirling mess of emotions and an ultimate decision that might hurt everyone.

Warning: a lot of angst, multiple POV’s

Features: there’s some small sexual details but not any full scenes.

Word Count: <10k

A/N: Hey guys and thanks for reading all the way to the end of S.L. Thank you for being patient with the extended delay between Ch 13 and this one. I’m still in the process of writing more Pentagon stories, it’s just taking me longer because lmao I have 50 million ideas and never am able to finish them. I appreciate all the feedback for the story and am still in the process of getting all the chapters updated. This one is written a bit differently and I hoped that it would give more insight on everyone’s relationship with the MC. One more little thing...don’t hate me ok? See you at the end of the chapter!

Teenage Heartbreak Queen-Kino

I sighed and ran a hand over my face as I surveyed my almost barren room. Spring semester was officially over and i had to stuff my entire life into a luggage and head back to Korea for the summer. My last few days in America had been spent cramming for finals and packing and I longed for more sleep. My body was starting to give out on me. I was hardly looking forward to the almost 17 hour flight back. I stepped out of my room, hauling out a bag of trash to the hallway. Beside me were the empty rooms of my hyungs, already long gone and living their lives back home. Their nonexistent presence made the dorm eerily quiet and left me too much in my head. There were thoughts bubbling up that I didn’t have enough energy to exert on right now but they still weighed on my shoulders. I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask Hui-hyung or Hyo-hyung if they had said goodbye to her.

We had been around her almost the entire semester like we were all attached to one another and clinging to some semblance of fun, pleasure, and the most nauseating and scary feeling of possibly love. Nights on end were spent with us occupying each others beds. I had given up my virginity to her in a whirlwind of anger and frustration. I would never forget the way she looked pressed against the mirrors of the dance practice room; her breath and heated body creating foggy imprints as I pushed into her from behind. I had been confident at first but as soon as she was naked in front of me I choked. Every nerve in my body seemed to have tensed and I almost chickened out. But the way she clutched at me, begged me to keep going, it spurred me further until we collapsed on the floor with a layer of stickiness between us.

We were fuck buddies; in fact she had made it abundantly clear that we were only fuck buddies. I wasn’t any more important than Hui- hyung or Hyojong-hyung. Our first night together was just an experience she could add onto her list while I was still forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that she slept with other people. I had given in to her persuasion of threesomes, especially when we had all found out that we had been fucking her, but lately a nagging voice in the back of my mind had been stirring up feelings of jealousy and minute possessiveness. I didn’t want to start thinking about the pathetic, romantic, and scary things that I had never experienced before. I repressed it more each time they threatened to rip through the surface. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t slowly falling in love with her and that as soon as I ran away to Korea everything would be fixed.

I, myself, didn’t want to say goodbye to her even though that was the right thing to do. It would possibly give me some closure instead of giving into my cowardice and also given the uncertainty of our future together. I was still working to see if I could continue studying abroad and if i succeeded there was no guarantee that I would have classes again with her, even though we were both dance majors. I was still afraid though, always afraid of everything with her. I tiptoed around that fine line of love and friendship too often to my liking. Just one look into her eyes now would send me to my knees in a fit of desperation and longing. I shook my head to try and clear the quarreling thoughts from my mind and instead go back to making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. I stretched my arms above my head and yawned before peeling off the miniature calendar I had above my desk. I threw the angry reminder of deadlines and stress into another trash bag, ready to toss it into the hallway next.

I was rechecking my desk drawers to see if I had emptied them out for sure when there was a rushed pounding at the front door. I was confused as to who the hell it would be. It was almost midnight and I would have to leave for my red eye flight around 4:30. I didn’t have time to deal with anyone. I grumbled and stalked over to the door, swinging it open and ready to yell at whoever was going to make me late.

My mouth snapped shut as soon as I saw her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. Her chest was heaving as she tried to regain her breath and she looked at me as if i was a beacon of hope in her world. She held me tight, burying her face in my chest and clutching at my shirt. I barely had time to formulate a response. My body reacted instinctively, wrapping my arms around her. I knew that I didn’t want to let her go. I could infer that perhaps she was crying over the hyungs leaving. Maybe they had talked with her and she still wasn’t okay with it or maybe it was something entirely different. I swallowed down my sigh, irritated that my plan to avoid her had gone awry. I had to face my demons now which was a battle I hadn’t prepared for.

“Th-they left.” She said through soft hiccups. “They didn’t even say goodbye. Why would they do that? I thought-” Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to steady her voice. “I thought we were friends. They should’ve at least told me when they were leaving!”

So they hadn’t told her at all.

She wiped the tears from her eyes with her sweater sleeve and continued. “I just...we spent all this time together. I thought it was the least that they could do.” She looked up at me finally and I knew what she was going to ask before it even left her lips. My hold spread to her shoulders, clutching tightly to brace myself for my impending lie. “Were you even going to tell me when you left?”

“Of course,” It came out much smoother than I had anticipated. “But there was just so much going on with finals and packing up that I almost didn’t have time. I leave in a few hours. My flight’s at 6 but I have to leave around 4:30 or so.”

“Oh great. Just great.” She fiddled with a stray thread on her sleeve, averting her gaze. “Nevermind then. I’ll leave you to your packing.”

I pushed my hair back and exhaled. “It’s not like that ok? Sometimes saying goodbye is harder than we think. Sometimes it just feels easier to not do it at all. We care about you...maybe a little too much.” I mumbled at the end.

“It certainly doesn’t feel that way.”

“Well, it’s the truth. I’m sorry that they didn’t let you know, hell I didn’t even know when they were leaving until they walked out the door.” I wanted to invite her inside. It felt just wrong to leave her out here to wallow and stay caught up in emotions that were obviously paining her. I nodded towards the inside of the dorm, bringing her in and shutting the door softly behind us.

“Kino...i really am gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss all of you. Well I already do but you know what I mean.”

“You mean you’re gonna miss our dicks.” I nudged her, trying to lighten the mood just a bit. She cracked a little smile finally and hit my stomach playfully.

“Not just that, jerk! We had a lot of good times together. I mean I’m even missing Wooseok and Shinwon, Yuto, Yanan, Yeo Onnie, Jinho-everyone! I know i’m heading back home soon too but home doesn’t feel like home without my friends. Sorry,” she sniffed. “I’m being lame.”

I shook my head. “No, you’re not. You’re seriously not. I…” My heart felt heavy again. “I’m gonna miss you too.” That confession, that tiny little confession, was when i felt myself cross that threshold. She was no longer just my friend. She was someone I wanted, someone I thought about, someone I sang about, someone I danced with, someone I felt in the very core of my soul. She was the person I was in love with.

Her smile ignited happiness inside me like a phoenix flame that rose from the ashes of weeks of lying to myself. She wrapped her arms around me again and I kept her closer this time. I settled my arms at her lower back practically crushing her to me. And when we separated just a bit, our eyes locked. Our soft chuckles of uncertainty filled the space between us until our lips closed the distance, meeting in a rush so intense I almost felt lightheaded. Her hands trailed to my shoulders, my hair, my face, seeming like she wanted to engrave the way i felt into her skin. Step by step we moved back towards my room. I had to catch her when she tripped over my suitcase and she laughed. It was like music to my ears that could inspire me to write a book of lyrics. I kicked the suitcase out of the way and we continued our journey to my bed. Our clothes eventually got tossed aside in between kisses and sweet caresses. My body always reacted to her touch at a moments notice. Every moan she made when i laid nibbles to her neck and shoulders and the way her breath stayed in her lungs as my fingers dove between her thighs had my blood boiling.

I loved the way she felt. Her slick lips always made me hungry and though I hated going down on anyone I would do it for her. She coated my tastebuds with each trail i made with my tongue. My finger dug into her plush thighs, feeling the muscles ripple when I hit a particularly sensitive spot. When i sucked her into my mouth she created a sweet symphony that made me dig my hips into the mattress just to try and relieve some of the pressure. Her hands were back to my hair again, clawing into my scalp and wrenching locks around her fingers. That pressure sent a shiver down my spine and i dove deeper, trying to dig out the orgasm that she deserved.

She said my name as if it was her new favorite curse word, over and over again until she could barely breathe. I pulled away from her then, licking my lips and wiping her trace from my chin and nose. I kissed up her stomach, towards her breasts and neck until our lips met again and i could share her between us. “Please Kino…” She set her forehead against mine, holding me between her palms. “Please don’t leave me…”

My heart shattered. She knew that i had to. I knew that i had to. I couldn’t stay here in the summer. I had nowhere to live, no money to support myself, and permission that only lasted nine months. The truth was more painful than the goodbye at this point and the only thing that could bring us comfort was more lies. I swallowed hard and finally looked at her. Just as i sank into her depths and pulled her close I told her what I wished was the god awful truth. “I’ll never leave you.”

Moonlight-Hongseok

“That was literally the best Marvel movie! Hands down!” She said as we exited the theater.

“No way? The best? Are you sure it’s better than Hulk and your pretty boy Thor?” I laughed. We had just finished seeing Venom in our town’s local theater, weeks after it’s initial release and taking full advantage of student discount day. With the end of the semester creeping closer and piecing together everything that happened between us at Halloween, it was really nice to do something together as friends. I had to admit that I still thought about that night. I tortured myself with wondering if she thought about it too. I couldn’t believe the way I had acted then. It wasn’t like me at all and I felt ashamed more than anything. If I hadn’t drank that night I wouldn’t even have had a ounce of the courage I did to ask her to help me lose my virginity. In fact, I would’ve been a bumbling mess and messed everything up. A small part of me had worried that we would never be the same after that, that our relationship was over and could never be repaired. But when she asked me to go with her to this movie it was like a light washed over my heart and I could breathe a little easier.

I had no idea what to really call our “relationship” to be quite honest. I stuck with the term ‘friends’ but i had come to realize all too quickly that I wanted that term to morph into something better. I felt like a preteen with a crush. Every time she was near me my heart would race, my palms would get sweaty, and i overthought everything so bad that I ended up stuttering more than i meant to. I wasn’t sure if she even noticed but I did and it only made me more anxious. Even tonight, my face felt red hot with embarrassment. During the movie, she got closer to me and i wished the armrest between our chairs hadn’t existed. Then, as cliche as it sounded, our hands touched when we both dug into the popcorn bucket at the same time. She made a joke out of it, hitting the back of my hand playfully and shooing me away from her hoard. It made me smile more than anything, my whole body tingling with giddiness. God, she was so beautiful and I felt like I still wasn’t even on her radar.

We walked to her car, occasionally bumping into each other. “Yes, i like it even better than Thor, okay? Though Ragnarok was extremely good too. Venom was my favorite in Spiderman 3 even though no one likes to talk about that movie. I think he more than made up for Tobey Mcguire’s awkward dancing and emo hair.”

I laughed and shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat. “Well, you may be onto something even if I don’t agree entirely.”

“Yeah, yeah. Ironman, blah blah blah.”

“Hey!” I nudged her with my shoulder, making her stumble. “Don’t talk about him like that!”

She giggled and ran ahead of me. “Ironman couldn’t even save Spidey from the Infinity Stones.”

I gasped loudly. “You take that back! That was a very emotional time for me and you know it!”

She unlocked her car and opened the door, sliding in while I was still prepared to make an argument. I shuffled quickly to catch up and get in beside her. “You know, it’s still pretty early.”

“Yeah it is. I can start my presentation about how what you just said was completely wrong and uncalled for!” I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted.

“Seokkie, you know I’m just joking.” The nickname, no matter how simple, made my stomach explode into a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I pretended to pout some more which made her laugh and tug at my coat, desperate to get on my good side again. She began poking my sides, making me squirm and swat at her annoying antics. I loved the way we could joke around. It felt like I was at home, a place of safety and protectiveness that barricaded me from the worse feelings I had. I could be myself around her, wholeheartedly. I didn’t have to keep up the facade my parents wanted me to create. I didn’t even have to think about grading papers and essays or trying to deal with my professor breathing down my neck. When i was with her I was just a normal 20-something year old college student enjoying life and taking it easy. It was the best feeling in the world to forget about the worries that constantly bombarded my mind. The freedom to talk about what made me happy with the person that made me happy was something that I held onto so dearly.

In between me struggling to keep her prodding at bay she turned to tickling me, a torture I hated more than anything. I grabbed her hands and squeezed them tight, turning towards her and accidentally knocking our heads together. We reeled back, rubbing the sore spots on our foreheads as the result of my stupidity. “Crap, sorry!” I said.

She winced and rubbed at the pain faster. “Way to give me a concussion with that hard ass head of yours!”

“Well, if you hadn’t been tickling me we wouldn’t have this problem, huh?!” I looked up at her, noticing how we were now face to face with the center console barely putting a barrier between us. Her eyes held my gaze for a moment before jumping up to my forehead. Suddenly, she leaned in close, pressing her lips to the tender area. It only lasted micro seconds but I clung to the way her perfume wafted into my senses and the gentleness she exhibited. I opened my mouth trying to fathom any response but nothing came out. I was stunned, retreating to my feelings of a preteen boy in love.

In love...A tiny word that held so much weight to it. Could i really be in love with someone I just met not even two months ago? I had no idea what love was like but I knew what I felt was something entirely different than anything I had ever experienced. Surely, if people could believe that there was love at first sight then there was no harm in feeling the most vulnerable of connections with someone after two months. My heart thundered in my chest every time that word came up and I could feel my entire body quaking with fear of the unknown. What’s to say would happen in this car with her by my side? What did i even want to happen in this very moment? Did i want her to profess her love to me or did I want to face the possible reality of her tossing my heart into a forgotten oblivion? “What are you thinking about?” The question came out as a breath against my lips and she seemed to have gotten closer to me. Her elbow rested on the console while her fingers eased over mine.

I wanted to scream that I was thinking about her, always thinking about her, in the best ways, the worst ways, the most lustful and sinful of ways. I cleared my throat as if to remind myself to put the latter thought in a trapped box where it belonged. Instead, i came up with a generic answer that still didn’t seem to satisfy her. “Just the movie…”

“Liar.” She caught on instantly. “Something’s on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh…” I had no idea how to respond without possibly hinting at my true feelings.

“We could go back to the plateau. Remember?”

“Yeah, i remember getting drunk off my ass and making a fool out of myself.”

“Well, there’s no alcohol this time so no harm, no foul right?” She set her keys in the ignition, bringing the car to life. “C’mon, if you still don’t want to talk we don’t have to but i just…” Her voice seemed to grow a bit quieter. “I don’t want this night to end just yet.”

I swallowed hard and nodded, my mind taking off into a deep swirling galaxy of thoughts. Even though I had gotten drunk that night, i gained all the courage in the world to kiss her. Alcohol seemed to be my vibranium- this sword and shield that provided me with everything I need to lead me into conquest. Yet it was also my kryptonite because I felt like without it I was weak and susceptible to making whatever it was between me and her worse. The car ride had settled into a quietness with only the soft sounds of the radio in the background. I looked out the window, watching the sidewalks of our college town filled with people bar hopping as we drove through downtown. The further away we got from the hustle and bustle the better it felt to be with her. It was like we were in our own little world when we got to the top of the plateau. The lights of the city were brighter than the last time we were here but we could still see some of the stars in the night sky. She set the car in park and cut the engine before stepping out. “C’mon, lay on the hood with me!”

I smiled and followed her lead, settling myself on the hood. I set my back against the windshield, putting my hands behind my head. She sat beside me, not letting any space between us. “It’s chilly out. This was probably a bad idea.” She chuckled.

“Yeahhh, probably. The wind is definitely brisk.” I shivered a little and felt her scuttle closer until her head rested on my chest. I stiffened completely beneath her, afraid that she could hear the way my heart was banging against my ribcage. Her arm wrapped around my waist and she left out a soft content sigh. While this seemed to be perfectly normal for her I was aching with thoughts of what it all meant. I drifted my eyes down to her watching the way she was enamored by the stars. The question I longed to ask burned on my tongue and i dared myself to ask it. “Hey...um...I wanted to ask you something…”

She turned her heads towards me and all I could do was stare at her lips. It was like she was hell bent on sucking the ability to talk out of me. “Hmm?”

“C-can I kiss you?” WHAT?! Hongseok, what in the actual hell? You were supposed to ask her about the Halloween party and what it all meant for you as friends, NOT to ask her to kiss you. I winced and closed my eyes wishing that I could disappear from this entire plane of existence. Her expression had switched as soon as the words left my mouth and now she she seemed like she was at a lost for words too. I tried my best to deflect the question. “I mean uh...that’s not what I wanted to ask. What I wanted to say was-”

I felt her sweet caress of her lips then, unexpected and powerful enough to shatter my frazzled thoughts. Her lips were utterly amazing. They brought up residual memories of how they felt the first time we kissed. I cherished every moment they shared with mine even if it only lasted a few seconds. She pulled away all too quickly, her eyes wide with fear. “I-I...i’m sorry.” She whispered.

I sat up quickly, fumbling over my own apology. “Nonono! I-I swear I didn’t mean to ask that! It just- my brain just slipped and-”

“It was on your mind though…”

I swallowed at that nugget of truth. “Y-yes. I’m so sorry.”

She set her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. Her voice was so soft that I could barely hear it. “It’s ok. I was thinking about it too.”

Want It With You-E’dawn

Trust. You would think it was such a simple word but it bared more meaning for me than anything else in life. I didn't trust just anyone though I seemed to be surrounded by people I loved and adored. It took years to get to that point with them. There were hoops and barrels that they had to jump through to prove themselves worthy. It wasn't some grand scheme of knighthood- rather simple things that showed they would always be there for me.

Which was why I was so stuck and dumbfounded by my feelings for her. We hadn't known each other for long. Definitely not long enough for me to trust her but i did with every fiber of my being. I didn't know if it had been from the first night we met or right here at this very moment but at some point my heart caved in. Her smile chipped at the bricks of my wall of trust, her body tore chunks out of the barrier, and our connection musically made the wall give way. Behind that trust was love, an even more guarded feeling that rarely anyone got to experience. But the buds of soft touches, gentle kisses, and late night talks bloomed into the purest emotion I ever had.

The problem was that there was already two other people that had my heart. My girlfriend, Hyuna, who remained a secret to everyone I knew, and my best friend Hui who I felt like i could possibly never confess to. I didn't know how to exactly explain it but each of them provided me with something i needed and wanted. Hyuna gave me the care I never experienced from anyone- the tender love, affection, and understanding of my weirdness that she could keep up with. Hui on the other hand gave me a new type of love. Something that was exciting and refreshing yet filled with curiosity and the thrill of danger. And she, she gave me freedom. Freedom to explore, to live, to experience things i had never done before and open my eyes to wonders unseen.

My brain and heart were at war with one another. My brain told myself that it was impossible to be with three people no matter how desperately i wanted it to work. My heart, of course, screamed that I could do anything. No one could judge us or tell us otherwise. I wished that were true, i really did. There were nights when I couldn't sleep that i lay awake and thought about what my life had turned into. Being in the states changed my perception on love and relationships in general but going back home none of those things would be accepted. I didn't want to hide forever- i already had to do that with Hyuna. Her career was on the line and I would never compromise that for her. With out her here though it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay monogamous, which is how that night after the party happened.

I told Hyuna right away that i slept with someone else. I was a crying mess. I thought she'd never forgive me and i would truly be alone. I confessed how much i missed her and that i just wanted to feel something- a touch, a kiss, anything. It was hard. One of the very hardest things I'd ever had to do and when she forgave me and told me it was alright I knew i had chosen the right one. We laughed about it after and she told me never to worry. She knew my heart was with her because she could feel it even with all the miles that separated us. She let me sleep with whoever I wanted as long as I came back to her, which i would always do.

But when i met my new object of affection at the top of spring semester it was like my world got flipped upside down. How could I tell Hyuna that I was in love with someone else, let alone confess to the person that I had been with almost the entire time this semester? Love and trust weren't the only things weighing on my mind. Part of that trust was asking for further exploration of my sexuality. I was all wrapped up in my feelings and this just added another layer.

Lately, i had been curious about kinky things. It wasn't just the beginner things either. It was the darker things, the dirtier things, the things that made your skin crawl with lust filled excitement. I wanted to share that with her but bringing it up had my heart racing.

I laid next to her, my feet towards the end of the bed while hers were towards the headboard. Our heads met in the middle and we stared at the ceiling relaxing in our sexual afterglow. I puffed silently at my e-cig, closing my eyes and pondered over how to even begin to ask what was weighing on my mind. She yawned beside me and i nudged my temple gently against hers.

“You whimping out on me already?” I teased.

“Um, excuse me. You wore me out! You try being on your hands and knees for an hour then practically bent in half. It takes a lot out of you.”

I chuckled. “Yeah well, it was good wasn’t it?”

She nodded and softly hummed a response, turning her head into my neck. We stood quiet for a moment while i continued to mull over how I should ask her. From what she told me about her experiences with Kino and Hui-hyung there was nothing that even came close to what I currently wanted. We were both inexperienced but I was sure that we could learn and be patient with one another. She could reject the idea all together, which would sting a bit but I would accept it. I couldn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to. I hoped she would at least try and not run away completely.

“Hey,” I began, clearing my throat a little. She turned towards me with such an adorable sleepy look. It made me smile as I pushed her sweaty hair away from her forehead. “I want to ask you something but...don’t freak out okay?”

Her eyes went wide and fear washed over her face. She swallowed hard. “O-oh...what is it?”

“So...ok. Um…” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know if this is going to sound stupid but have you ever heard of...bdsm? Like the kinky stuff?”

“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows now faced with curiosity. “You mean like getting tied up?”

“Yeah. I mean, there’s more to it but that’s like a good place to start.”

“Why are you bringing it up all of a sudden?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for awhile.” I sighed, returning my gaze back to the ceiling as I felt warmth creep into my cheeks and ears. “Kinda researching a bit. Since we’re- I mean we’re not together, together- but we hook up a lot and stuff. And we’re friends so I thought maybe I could ask and…” I was stumbling over my words, regressing into a bumbling idiot. I wish i could convey what was on my mind as clearly as I wanted to. I took a deep breath, trying to recollect myself and start over. “Basically, I trust you. I trust you a lot and I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do this with me. It was important that I tried it with you. When we...fuck it’s on a whole other level. I feel kind of like...at peace. Like I don’t have to worry about anything or feed into my insecurities.”

“O-oh…” she said quietly. I wasn't sure what to make of that and it made my entire body tense. “I trust you too Hyojong. You've never done anything to betray my trust. But this is so sudden.”

“I know, i'm sorry. I just didn't know how else to bring it up or what would be a good time to even bring it up. Like how do you start a conversation about wanting to try bdsm? Like hey, babe, wanna tie me up and choke me?”

She laughed, part nervous and part humorous. “I guess you're right. It's not something to schedule a talk around. But why do you feel insecure?” She sat up a bit, just scooting close enough to lay her head on my stomach and set her hand over my heart. I laid my fingers over hers and moved my other hand to rest behind my head.

“I...i don’t know. I mean who ever really knows why they’re insecure they just know they have insecurities.”

“You know what I mean but what things are you specifically insecure about?”

“A lot of things. The way I look, the way I have sex, the way I talk. It all makes me nervous but you’ve never really judged me…”

“Of course not! I would never. There’s no reason for me too.�� She said as she turned her hand over to give mine a squeeze. “You’ve been there for me since day one and I like everything about you. You’re so weird, cute, funny, and caring. Your random screeches and crazy running makes me laugh all the time. I just feel...” She shrugged and smiled at me. I wondered if she could tell how fast my heart was beating now. When I was the source of her smile it made my entire body turn to jello. It made me feel like a goopey mess of feelings that i loved. Love was one of my favorite things in the world. The rush of being with someone so perfect for you and holding them in your arms as much as you could was the source of my happiness. Being so far away from my girlfriend always put me in a funk. But having this new found love in the states filled that void and blossomed into something I looked forward to every time we met. The more time we spent together, the more I wanted to be with her. My heart was getting restless but asking her out was something that made me panic even more than asking her to tie me up. “I feel good when i'm around you. You're a great friend.”

Friend. I screamed internally. Yes, just friends. It stung, that was easy to admit but as of right now I couldn't do anything to change that. I squeezed her hand again and swallowed the lump in my throat trying my best not to crumble into a puddle of pathetic tears. I sought to turn the subject back to where it started. “So, would you want to try it out with me? The kink stuff I mean…”

“Wellllll…..it doesn't seem so bad. It could be a lot of fun. I'm a little scared though. What if we're totally bad at it?”

“We can practice. Isn't that part of the fun?” I gave her a little wink to add to my flirtatious tone.

“You want to wear me out, don't you, Dawnie.” She giggled. “I guess we can start practicing. But i guess we might need some equipment first.” She sat up then, crossing her legs and letting her fingers drum against her chin. “I'm sure there are tons of websites to buy some.”

“My cart on some is already filled.” I admitted.

“Oh my god, you sneaky little slut. I shouldn't have expected any less from you.” She kissed me quickly. “Start ordering then. Then i can tie you up like a little present.”

“Tie me up? Aren't I supposed to tie you up?!” I asked.

“Who says? Just because you're the boy? Why don't we both try it. Maybe we'll both like it.”

She did have a point. We didn't have to conform to any standards. That wasn't really my gig anyway. Besides, thinking about her being in control gave me a little tingle of excitement. We were truly doing this and I couldn't be more happy. Even though she thought of me as a friend I hoped eventually she could see how much I wanted her, how much love I could give her. All i could do now was be patient but have a hell of a good time along the way.

All To You- Hui

“Ok, so what do you want to do for our project?” I asked her as we sat in our private piano room that was basically our sanctuary. After almost every class together we would come here, enjoying the peace and tranquility. The hecticness of our schedules were forgotten and we spent hours getting lost in the music. Time didn't exist when I was with her. My only focus was on her which was a-okay with my heart. We had a project due in a couple of weeks that needed to showcase both our talents. I wanted to do something on the piano, more so a ballad which was my speed and wasn’t too sure how to incorporate her rapping skills. Rapping could go with a ballad but the rhythm and flow would have to be just right. I was nervous as this was the first time we would ever be making music together. The way music was instilled in me sometimes made me overanalyze and become a perfectionist. I didn’t want to really take control of this...but also I did. I just had to figure out how to do it in the nicest way possible. I was picturing every scenario possible, even wondering what she would say in response even before she uttered a word in real time.

“Well, I know rapping isn’t your thing and I’m not the best at music production since I’m still learning so i hope that maybe you could take responsibility over that? Like how we could mix the song? Maybe incorporate the piano since it’s kind of our thing?” She smiled.

I almost sighed in relief. I was so happy we were on the same page. “Yes!” I said, almost too excitedly. “Sorry, I really wanted to make something like this with you.” I started pressing a few chords onto the keys, humming along to the melody in my head. “Do you have any idea what song you might want to do?”

“I was trying to think of some good duets we could do. I really wanted something modern and kind of soft.”

“There aren’t many duets with singing and rapping that I can think of.”

“Actually,” she said with a bit of a nervous tone in her voice. “Teach has been getting on me about actually singing in class since ya know, since it is about vocals. I know she said she doesn't grade on talent but she wants me to at least try and sing... in front of everyone.”

“Sing?” I tried to hide the shock in my voice and failed miserably. “I’ve heard you before and you know how I feel about your voice but I also know that it’s hard for you to do this.” She nodded and stared down at her lap, looking so ashamed. I set my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close so my temples touched hers. “You know I’ll be there beside you every step of the way, right?”

“I know…” Her voice was breaking. “I’m just so nervous that I’m gonna make a fool of myself. I feel like everyone’s gonna judge me. I don’t get stage fright when I rap but when I sing it’s like my throat just closes up and my heart shrivels into a dried husk and like...i just can’t breathe. My anxiety takes over and-and-” A small tear trailed down her cheek and i squeezed her to my chest. I couldn’t bare to see her like this. There wasn’t a way to magically cure her anxiety or relieve her from her stage fright though I desperately wished I could. I curled my fingers around hers holding onto her hand tightly.

“You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I don’t want you to end up like me. All I do is drive myself crazy with being a perfectionist. We’re going to work through this together. I promise I won’t let you fail.”

“I know, Hui. I know. I just have to believe in myself but that’s easier said than done. It’s always something I battled with. I’m glad you’ll be there with me.”

I smiled and tilted her head up gently. “Of course, angel.” I pressed my lips to hers, taking in their warmth and tenderness that always made my body react instantly. I poured every ounce of passion into our tongues colliding and bringing her small unsteady breaths to the surface. My hand fell to her waist, clutching it tightly and never wanting to let her go. I needed her to know how much this meant to me, how much she meant to me. She deserved it so much. Her hands anchored themselves in my hair and kept me as close as possible. Eventually, my chest tightened and my lungs ached for a break. It was almost funny how lost we could get in each other like this. I pulled away, chuckling as i finally took in a breath. “Sorry, i got carried away.”

“I like when you get carried away.” She smiled, flirtatiously. “Isn't that how we ended up fucking on the piano during our first lesson?”

“Ah,” I remembered that day all too well. The first moment her lips hit mine after I heard her sing. Nothing could ever compare to how my heart fluttered and my stomach tied in knots just hearing her sweet tone. Since that day I had silently begged that I would hear her voice again, instead of her keeping it trapped. “It was definitely better than learning chord progressions and tonality practice that's for sure.”

She giggled and dabbed away at the few remaining tears at the corner of her eyes. “You always know how to make me smile, Hwitaek.”

My name was always my favorite melody to hear on her tongue. The airiness to her voice made it sound so dreamlike and ethereal. I could feel my cheeks heating up just at those few syllables. “I'm glad I can but uh...you should stop distracting me so we can get to work!” I poked her side playfully and she swatted at my hand.

“Ok, ok! I'm sorry! Let me see what I have on my spotify playlist and maybe we can get some inspiration for our duet, yeah?”

I nodded at her suggestion and let her go to work while i fumbled on the piano, working through key changes and scales in hopes of jogging my brain. I had no idea why it seemed so difficult. It should have been a piece of cake figuring something for us to do, especially because even if it was just a school project it would be personal. Maybe that's why I was getting stuck in a rut. Too much pressure on myself to possibly slip a blinded confession to her through lyrics. There didn't seem to be any other way to tell her. I wasn't even sure if I should. There hadn't been any confirmation in the slightest that she felt anything towards me. After all, I had Hyojong and Hyunggu at my back, constantly tipping the scales in their favor. They were my very best friends and I should never be jealous of them but I was. Even after the fun we had with the foursome I realized that there was still an empty part of me that wasn't getting filled. It hurt to think that perhaps it would never be filled.

Continuing to hook up with her might be the biggest mistake of my life so far. I could sense that things might get worse. I wasn't exactly known to love subtly. I was a big hopeless romantic, comically extravagant, and a walking cliche of greeting card cheesiness. I couldn't help it. It went with my goofy personality and inability to like being so serious all the time. It was my little break away from throwing my entire soul into my music. I sighed and set my elbow on the edge of the piano, resting my chin in the palm of my hand while my fingers danced over the same three keys. Little slices of my favorite lyrics pieced together in my head as I imagined the picket white fence dreams I could have with her. I could stay here in America and live an entirely new life with her, an extra dose of happiness in my fantasy. I closed my eyes then, drifting off into that better place that was protected from thoughts of self doubt, hurt, and feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough for her. I rarely tried to give into those thoughts but there was always a devilish voice on my back whispering filthy lies about how I could never capture her attention and love like the other's could. I squeezed my eyes tighter as the voice started to ring a little louder and I was just beginning to get into a war with myself.

“I think I got it!”

I snapped back so suddenly that my body jolted upright. “Huh? What?”

“The song, i think i found the perfect song for us. I think I can manage hitting all the notes in this without messing it up too much and the male part is right up your alley.”

I raised a brow at her, curious at her selection. “Ok, lay it on me.”

“Do you like Lana Del Rey?”

My cheeks heated up with embarrassment. I did, but mostly when I was drunk off my ass and known to cry on the floor, belting out all her greatest hits. I laughed nervously at my shameful alcohol induced memories. “Y-yeah, she's great. I like her.”

“Want to do ‘Lust for Life’? You have a good voice for it.”

“Ah….actually that doesn't seem so bad. It wouldn't be so hard to work into a piano piece either. I think we could do it.” I smiled brightly at her, grateful to her ability to think more clearly than I could. She clapped her hands excitedly before looking over the lyrics on her voice. I edged myself closer so we could both look at the small screen. She was humming at first, mumbling a few words here and there until the notes rang in during the first verse. I set my hand on the small of her back, working my thumb in small swipes, to give her a comforting touch and encourage her more. She laughed a bit as she got to the pre-chorus, her eyes trailing up to meet mine.

“And I was like, take off, take off...take off all your clothes, take off, take off...take off all of your clothes…” she sang. She moved her fingers to pluck at the top button of my shirt, opening it.

I set my hand over the sliver of newly exposed skin and gasped. “So scandalous, Lana!”

She giggled. “Oh, and you don't want to fuck under the Hollywood sign while I wait for my sugar daddy to call me?”

“We'll I don't think we can fuck under the Hollywood sign but does under a piano work for you?”

“Oh yes, a whole two feet of space! You'd knock your head on it so fast!”

“Hey, i tried, ok? Besides, i can find a way to position you.”

“Lee Hwitaek! You perv!”

“You started it but I can definitely finish it.” I tackled her gently to the floor, making her cry out and laugh with me. We were always goofing off like a pair of idiots which were my absolute favorite times. I pulled her against me tight and kissed all over her neck and cheek. “You drive me crazy you know that?”

She pawed at my face. “Ah! Hey! Yeah, you definitely drive me crazy too.” She turned her head to catch one of my kisses on her lips. “It's a good kind of crazy though. She gave me another quick kiss then looked down at my watch. “Shit, i have to get going for dance practice with Kino. He's gonna kill me if I'm late.”

My happiness was cut a bit short and I held onto her tighter. “Just stay with me instead.” I whispered.

“Aww, Hui. You know I'd love to but we have a dance project and-”

“We have a project that we need to work on too. He can deal with it.”

“Noooo, i can't! I'll never hear the end of it. You know how Kino is.” She pushed me away and sat up. “We can meet up again this weekend or something. I think I’ll have some time on Saturday.” She stood up and gathered her things. “I promise I’ll give you all the time in the world ok?! See ya!”

I watched her leave our practice room, destroying the bubble of our safe haven to go hang out with my friend. I sighed as another pang of jealousy hit directly to the heart. I pulled my knees up and set my arms on them, wondering what to even make of myself. Just tell her Hui, I thought. Just tell her that you love her.

I’m a Ruin

I held my pillow close to my chest as tears flowed hot and heavy down my face. Everything that had happened with Hongseok replayed in my head as guilt riddled my stomach. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t rope him into any of this and I did just that. On top of it I revealed that I had slept with all of his friends and while there was a small sliver of me that was glad that it was all out in the open, every other part of me was screaming that it was all a mistake. I never wanted him to find out, if anything he could have been my escape from it all. Hongseok was a clean slate, after all. There wasn’t any drama attached to him and we had so much fun whenever we hung out. But he also didn’t have the history that I had with Kino, Hui, or Hyo.

Those three were a whole other battle in of itself. Kino and I’s relationship was basically shattered and nonexistent. I knew Hui was ready to take the next step but with everyone else on my mind I had no idea if I would be able to give him my all without hurting him in the process. Hyojong was one of my closest friends. We knew so much about one another and though I wasn’t really too sure about opening my heart to multiple people (which let’s face it, at this damn point I might as well to save myself a headache), but Hyuna was so welcoming. Together they were like the perfect ray of warmth and sunshine that it almost felt as if I had nowhere to fit in. My head was swimming so much with thought after thought that i almost felt dizzy. I needed to somehow get some sleep and maybe try and set them aside for at least one night. They were just consuming me to the point where it was suffocating. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to survive college and graduate and be a star where I could share my talents with the world and live free. I know I had dug this hole for myself but running away seemed like the best thing to do right now.

I was ready to recline into my bed and give up entirely when I heard harsh raps on my door. I jumped up quickly wondering who the hell that could be. It was already late and my roommate wasn’t home. I sighed and thought that maybe she may have forgotten her keycard. It was unlikely but stranger things have happened. I wiped my face as much as I could, trying to gather myself before I opened the door. I sniffed deeply and pulled the door open, wincing as the bright light of the hallway poured into my dark room. My heart fell into my stomach as I saw the disheveled, pajama’d and panting messes that were before me.

“W-what...what’s going on?” I stammered while i was internally begging for this to not happen at this moment.

“We need to talk.” Kino stated flatly, he was the first to push past me and go into my room. Hyojong flicked on the light in my room and squeezed past me as well. I sighed, absolutely defeated and let the others in before making my way over to sit on my bed once more. They circled me then, like lovesick vultures corning me into a decision I was no where near ready to make. I knew what they were going to say before any words were even uttered.

“We just...we we’re talking...” Hui started.

“I needed to know about everything that happened. It was even worse then the minimal lies you told me.” Hongseok spat.

“Don’t you even dare, Hongseok. I never lied to you. I didn’t want you to know about everything because you had no business knowing about it all.” I interjected.

“I had no business knowing about what you were doing with my friends?”

“No, you didn’t. You know why? Because what I do with anyone is no ones business, even if you are friends. I gave myself to each and every one of you and I’ve said it over and over, my intent was never to break up your brotherhood or turn you on one another. I fucked up and I know that. But if I wanted to fuck Kino i did. If i wanted to fuck Hui i did. If I wanted to fuck Hyojong I did. Hell, if I wanted to fuck them all at once I did that too! I’m not going to be guilted into having urges just like you all. I love you guys, most importantly as friends. Every last one of you. It’s who I’m in love with that hurts the most.”

“Who are you in love with then?” Hyojong asked.

“Everyone.”

“You can’t be in love with everyone. That isn’t possible nor is it fair!” Kino snapped.

“It is possible. It’s always possible to love more than one person but...how we’re all thinking-even me- is that we want her to ourselves. We don’t want to share. We want to have that one on one connection.” Hyojong continued. “It just seems further and further from reality than we expected.”

“You need to chose someone. Please, love, just for the sake of my sanity.” Hui pleaded.

“Your sanity? What about my sanity?! Don’t you think I’ve been driving myself fucking insane thinking about who I would want to be with? I’ve been trying to piece together what I even want for weeks, months, semesters! I don’t know how to even begin to choose!”

“Well you better fuckin’ decide. We’re tired of being dragged along by you.” Kino said.

I whipped around to face him. “Don’t you dare fuckin’ talk to me. Why would I even pick you!? You hurt my feelings. You betrayed my trust! You slept with my best friend and just when I thought that we were on the mends you threw me out in the cold again.”

“I love you! More than anything! I’ve always loved you! I’ve just been...I’ve been too fucking afraid to admit, ok?”

“Yeah?” I swallowed hard, trying to shove my tears down my throat instead of having them burst forth once again. I was so tired of crying. “Well, it’s a little bit too late for that isn’t it Kino?”

“Look, I can’t speak for anyone’s actions but my own but...we do...we want some kind of closure. I know this is hard given your relationships with us- even with Kino. Someone is bound to get hurt by this, even I’ve prepared myself for that, but anything is better than no answer at all.” Hui set his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me gently. His face held nothing but sorrow and his brown eyes were dripping in sadness. If my heart wasn’t already shattered it definitely was now. Completely minuscule pieces that didn’t even resemble a heart anymore.

I pulled away from him as I could feel my body trembling. Their eyes were on me once more and fear made my blood run cold. They weren’t going to stop until they got a response. I looked at Kino, seeing the regret on his face and want to repair the broken relationship between us- something I never thought I would’ve ever witnessed. A simple apology weeks ago would’ve solved all this between us and yet I never felt more distant from him than at this very moment, even though there was a thin thread tethering me to him still. Hyojong stayed ever the patient one though he had underlying panic in his stiff frame. He couldn’t fully look at me but I could tell his mind was racing a mile a minute. I wish I could let him know fully that he still had a hold on me, Hyuna aside, I wanted him and his unconditional love. Hui was the one with the most hurt on his face, as if was about to cry just as much as I was. I didn’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t bear it. He meant so much to me-the absolute world to me. Then there was Hongseok, who’s eyes, even if he was mad at me at this very moment, reflected every happy moment I had with him. The way I felt in his arms never ceased to amaze me. His warmth, his gentle kiss, and sweet demeanor was everything I had ever wanted in someone. I wanted to waste hours and days laughing with him, playing video games, binge watching movies, and getting lost in that perfect smile.

I was back at square one, as if I had never left and frozen in my skin.

“Well?” Kino said.

“Who do you choose?” Hongseok asked.

“Please...” Hui begged.

“I just want you to be happy.” Hyojong whispered.

I covered my face and let the tears flow. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I was lost, stuck, and ready to move forward all at once. All I had to do was take the plunge. “I....I choose... I choose H-”

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