#i also cried while conceptualizing this meta and thought about 'stay' by gracie abrams a lot

[raayllum]

articulation of need: a rayllum meta

My brain was thinking over a few different but interrelated aspects of Rayllum’s dynamic, canon s1-s3, and Through the Moon, so a few disclaimers before we begin:

Neither half of a couple, nor Rayllum, are or can be mind readers! That’s not a fair expectation for anyone in any kind of relationship. These kiddos are just deeply in love, and traumatized, and doing their best. That goes for both of them in all ways. Furthermore, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t compatible, or that the way Callum expresses love for her is lesser than how she expresses love for him. 

This is just a small pattern in their dynamic extrapolated upon + some hopeful ideas of how S4 could resolve it, if it’s something canon has picked on as well. Also not a flaw of canon or Rayllum if they don’t, this is just me being an English major who thinks about these two kids and their all consuming love for each other way too often. Okay? Okay.

With that out of the way, let’s get into it. 

Today we’re gonna talk about Rayllum and how they express Need.

Short form: Callum expresses that he needs Rayla mostly through action. Rayla expresses that she needs him through both action but, predominantly, word. Now, this is different from the usual way they show love to one another. Callum is very heavy on words of affirmation (always complimenting her, etc.), and Rayla shows affection through both acts of service and physical touch, like all those shoulder touches in season two and handholds in season three. But that’s the key difference: affection versus need.

So, let’s begin.

Precedent 

There is a pattern, however slight, of Rayla and Callum expressing their feelings for each other in ways we wouldn’t quite expect. Callum is talkative and open, with lots of words of affirmation for his loved ones: “Well you seem pretty great too,” “Every team needs good support,” “I am so proud of you,” and basically everything he’s ever said about Rayla. Rayla, meanwhile, is much more Moonshadow, doing lots of acts of service (aka every favour she does for Callum) and through physical touch / being a more overt protector. But when it comes to the development of their romantic relationship, the seeds of it are planted in the opposite manner we’ve come to expect.

Callum is quietly drawing her and holding things to his chest while he privately works it out.

Rayla is the one making first moves and talking too much, a lovable, flustered train wreck for anyone (and especially Callum) to see.

This goes back to the idea that Callum has a fantastic memory for spells, able to recall ones he saw only once very easily, due to their tie to art. But Rayla is the one who remembers exactly what people have said to her, even if they don’t; words haunt her in ways they don’t haunt Callum. (The only time we see him harken back to something that has already been said is with Harrow and Ezran regarding Sarai, and then Harrow’s death). For example:

And last but not least, the famous 2x07 scene contrasted with 1x02, where at the time we thought nothing was really getting through to Rayla, and it turned out that everything was. 

We even see this directly contrasted in early season one in regards to magic. Callum can’t remember what Claudia was saying, even though he was there for the spell, and she only got slightly cut off when it came to fulminus. But Rayla, through a little prior knowledge and word association, is able to realize that it wasn’t fool Claudia was saying, but fulminus. 

But why does all of this Matter, you ask? Well, here’s the thing...

Callum has never said he needs Rayla. Not the way she has repeatedly with him. And this shows up in a few ways, so without further ado, let’s shift from the precedent to the present.

Heartfelt Speeches

2x09, 3x01, 3x04, and 3x05 are the Heartfelt Speeches for these two, when it comes to getting all swept up in their feelings and affection for each other. So let’s put these four speeches, two each (and each pair a day apart from one another, in canon timeline) back to back and see the commonalities, shall we?

R: Callum, wake up! You’ve got to stay with me! Oh, Callum. Please come back. It doesn’t matter what you did before, I just want you to be okay again. Callum! I can’t lose you like this, you mean too much to me! Callum, I... I—

R: I agree with you, Sol Regem. Some humans are evil. But not this one. Not Callum. The only reason the Dragon Prince is alive is because of this human. He left his home and his family to save the egg, and he sacrificed everything so Azymondias could be born. He’s noble, and true. When we met, he could’ve had me captured or killed. But he didn’t. Because without knowing me or anything about me, he saw past human hatred, and did what he knew was right. He’s smart and kind and brave and he’s... My friend. My best friend. So please, allow him to pass into Xadia and help me take the Dragon Prince home. Because I don’t think I can do it without him.

Now, let’s look at Callum’s heartfelt, swooning speeches concerning Rayla.

C: You’re too good to feel this bad about yourself. I know that and you should know that. You have true courage and a big heart. I’ve seen you get knocked down so many times before, and every single time you get up again. That’s real strength. And... and you’re ten times funnier than any human I know. See? See, you know you’re amazing. You’re smart, and fast, and beautiful. Rayla, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

C: It’s because Rayla is a hero. Rayla’s brave. She saves people. Even when it puts her own life in danger and even when the odds seem impossible. Even when it means her own people might misunderstand and turn against her. Rayla is selfless, strong, and caring. That’s what makes her a hero. That’s what makes her Rayla.

Now look at the bolded, and look at how Callum’s speeches aren’t bolded at all. Can you tell what the difference is? Rayla’s speeches — pleas, really, for Callum’s life — are equally as complimentary as Callum’s in some ways in 3x01, but she also adds and keeps circling back to something that Callum never does. Rayla admits, out loud, to herself, Callum, and Sol Regem, that she needs him. 

The root of Callum’s speeches is admiration for her, explaining how he sees her, and why she should think better of herself. He loves and admires her kindness first and foremost, closely followed by her bravery and resilience, all qualities he thinks make her heroic. Now, Callum deserves credit where credit is due. His speech in 3x04 is particularly perfect and all things Rayla desperately needs to hear, while he also delicately dismantles so much of her verbal self loathing (even down to small things, like concern over her appearance; meta here). Nor does Callum viewing Rayla, rightfully, as a hero means he thinks she doesn’t also need help or needs to be saved sometimes; if anything, it’s the opposite.

But Callum’s speeches are about admiration and love, not need. See the difference? He’s not saying that he needs her, or that he can’t lose her, or that he can’t do this without her. But Rayla is, she continually does.

And we see this sort of pattern follow them into

Through the Moon

TTM is an inherently cyclical work, specifically about the patterns Callum and Rayla have formed with each other, and based off their parents’ relationships. Rayla follows in Runaan’s footsteps, leaving her lover behind and believing the fault is all in her. Callum follows arguably in his mother’s footsteps, supportive of a plan he doesn’t 100% approve of. However, we see the exact some precedent and pattern from the show follow them into TTM regarding need.

Now, by the time TTM rolls around, Callum has expressed that he needs Rayla, very clearly, in action. Following her down in 2x07 and risking himself by doing dark magic; jumping off the Pinnacle at just the slimmest chance of saving her in 3x09. We see this exact type of devotion play out again in TTM when he follows her into the Nexus and prepares to help her hunt down Viren, even if Callum still isn’t convinced (and understandably so) that Viren is actually alive.

Rayla is the one who consistently says, however, that Callum shouldn’t risk himself. Not even on her behalf. Callum worries about her, yes — god does he worry — but ultimately, Callum has only ever said, “Let me come with you.” He never outright says to her that the risk isn’t worth it, or that she shouldn’t do something dangerous without ultimately folding.

And again, Callum’s reactions and choices and relenting all make sense! He’s giving her agency, or feels helpless, or in 3x01′s scenario, literally does not have almost any other choice. He’s doing it out of respect, and because he knows Rayla. Even if it’s not her responsibility, she feels like it is, and Callum does his best to support her through it. To stand by her. But Rayla has a very different approach when it comes to prioritizing Callum’s safety and emotions, largely above all else.

C: There’s something after us! R: [Hanging up, unfurling her blades] Keep running.

R: Callum, Ezran, go.  C: But— R: Just keep it safe. R: Or it’ll blow you up until you’re dead. [...] If you die out there, I swear I’ll kill you!

C: In the end, I didn’t have the guts. R: Good.

R: It’s okay, Callum. I’m not asking you to come with me.

C: Getting Zym to Xadia is all that matters [Rayla reluctantly agrees] I’ll go back home VS If me dying is the only way for you and Zym to get across safely, then it’s time for me to meet the end. R: Calm down.

R: Okay, let’s do this. Just one more thing — I go into the portal alone [...] You said it was dangerous, I’m not going to risk both of us.

R: What are you doing here? Now we’re both trapped!

R: No! I’m going alone. Viren has taken away everyone I love — everyone except you. I can’t risk you coming with me.

We see this time and time again when Rayla puts Callum above the mission and her better judgement. Offering to go back into the tower in 1x03, going to the Banther Lodge and still getting the cube even if her life is now in danger in 1x04, wanting to tell Callum the truth so badly in 1x06 even if the egg is at risk, staying extra days at the Nexus in 2x01, allowing Claudia and Soren an inch in 2x02, putting herself on the ground and the boys safely on Phoe-Phoe in 2x03, saying that Callum doing dark magic doesn’t matter in 2x09, grabbing him instead of Zym in 3x01, etc. Rayla needs Callum, and we know this because she says it out right — in spite of trying to be independent her whole life in order to not need anyone — and because of TTM, where she leaves him because she needs him alive more than she wants to be happy with him. She’s asked him to stay in the past, but she can’t bring herself to do it now, because she feels too much like a liability.

However, the closest Callum ever comes to asking her to stay is in 3x08, but he never says the actual thing. Callum doesn’t really actually talk about how he feels during their argument in 3x08. He’s just guessing (or stabbing) at how Rayla feels: “You’re going to stay here and die out of pride? Honour, ‘redemption,’ it’s just pride!” “I know you feel guilty, but you’re not thinking straight!”

Callum doesn’t say “I need you,” or “I don’t want to lose you,” or anything along those lines, even if we know he’s feeling all those things. (Again, action over word). In many ways, it’s a perfect parallel as to why he gets pissed off at her in 1x06, when she’s the one dodging her feelings about their dynamic and focusing on his and the political. In some ways, this is communicated through his devotion to her. It’s not as though Callum doesn’t prioritize Rayla, he absolutely does. And Rayla absolutely needs someone who stays and runs after her, given everything in her history, culture, and personality. It’s already been a transformative, radical relationship for her, after being abandoned both short term and long term by her family before. She’s never had someone who stays, before. But I also think she needs Callum to ask her to stay.

Consequences

TTM comes closest. “I couldn’t lose you” and “I made the biggest mistake of my life, I could have lost you” are close to being “I need you” and “I need you to stay.” But it’s still buffered by an offer to come, to say that Rayla isn’t wrong to continually risk her life, just that Callum also deserves to be able to risk his life alongside her.

And again, I’m not going to say it’s bad writing if the show — or season four — never goes in this direction to rectify. TTM already had much more delicate work in regards to mental health and trauma than I was expecting the show or canon to have time for. A core part of the series is these kids taking a stand even if that means undertaking dangerous tasks;  you can’t have a story with heroes who go “Y’know, maybe I won’t try and stop the second coming of the most evil elf that’s ever existed.” 

But I do think it’d be very nice, and full circle, and important for Rayla to hear, from Callum, “It doesn’t always have to be you. You don’t have to sacrifice everything for everyone else. You think that you’re worth more than me and I can live without you, but that’s not true. I need you. I need you to stay,” given this pattern (mind you, possibly unintentional, but I don’t think so) set up in their dynamic.

Because that’ll be Rayla’s real test in season four. If and when Callum asks her to stay, can she say yes? Can she not only let Callum come with her, this time in life, but can she choose to stay with him through it all? Can she accept that someone needs her just as badly as she needs them?

Because I hope so. I really do.