#i always feel insane when i remember gaia cause it feels like no one ever knows what im talking about LMAO

[nighttime-nyx]

Exodus

But all my threads couldn't stop the bleeding There's nothing left, but I'm not leaving When all I know is you

Erebos stared down at the lifeless body of Nyx, shaking slightly as his madness subsided, reality setting in in a way that terrified him. The reality of his actions set in as he stumbled backwards, tripping over a cushion and falling backwards, landing hard on his ass as his eyes never left her body. The blood.. The blood on his hands... 

He stayed seated for a long time, just staring as he realized he was the one, all along, that killed them. Now he was alone... Mada wouldn’t arrive for a few bells, no one ever checked his apartment because of his paranoia in locking and securing it. His mistake, his madness, caused this. Epiales’ lasting effect on his psyche caused this. How long was he in his delusion of being a failure that it had to come to this? The others he didn’t care much for but Nyx? Ever kind, ever smiling Nyx?

He scrambled to get up, quickly rushing to begin scrubbing the blood from his hands. Ladon, Gaia, Aeros, Hestia... And now Nyx.  If they ever found out about this.. No. He’d have to tell them. He’d have to, in time. He was sure they’d understand. They always have before. The excuses wouldn’t come to his head as he mindlessly scrubbed at his hands, still visualizing the blood even if it wasn’t there. There was no excuse this time. He went insane, off the deep end after what Epiales did to him.. He killed those he loved and pretended it never happened, like it was all a bad accident. 

Slowly, he turned around from the sink, looking to the open door where her hand rest in the way. A constant reminder. He looked down and just barely touched his nose, pulling his hand away as his own blood was coursing it’s way down. His first nosebleed he’d ever had and it was.. a terrifying thing to see. He closed his eyes, blindly fumbling around for the blindfold he remembered he still had. He slowly put it on, keeping the last vision of Nyx burned into the darkness. Her smile, the way she was so nice to him before he revealed the ugly monster of paranoia and fear. The way his sister had always been.

As he was blindfolded, he moved around his apartment with difficulty, moving to clean up the blood and the entire floor around, moving his sister’s lifeless body around as he needed to. Even as his hands made the motions to clean up, his vision was only of her smile. He paused only when he heard Mada’s voice behind him. 

“Erebos.. What have you done?” Her voice brought him crashing back down as he was building himself back up. He paused and slowly turned to look at her, or in her direction, as he managed a small smile, one that quivered at the edges as he spoke, his voice betraying the guilt he was feeling. 

“Mada... I’m so sorry.” He said after a moment, then felt hands on him, making him sit as the same gloved hands checked his face, and a light pinch of his nose meant she was taking care of his nosebleed. “Why.. Are you still here? I killed so many... I killed you even.. Once the Order finds out I’ll.. Never be allowed back..” 

“Stop that.. I’m sure they’re all nice people from how you talk about them. A little blood on your hands after that fiasco with a demon? I think they’ll understand. They might even offer some hugs and cookies and try and you know, help you through it. You weren’t yourself, after all.” She spoke softly as she tended him, but every attempt to remove his blindfold was met with a stubborn pull of his head. 

“Leave it on.. I want to see her smile no matter what I do.. Even if I should run into every bloody thing from here ‘til I die.. I want to at least see her smile forever.” He finally said after pulling away and hitting his head on the wall behind him. Mada paused a moment and sighed, shaking her head but he wouldn’t see it. 

“You know.. If you cared that much for others you’d be one hell of a lover..” She then glanced over to Nyx and sighed. “Not everyone can come back when you kill them, Ere. I’ll arrange for her to be given all the rights.. An accident, I’ll call it, so you won’t be thrown under the suspicion. You don’t need that.” 

“I want to go home, Mada.. I want to go back to the one place I know they won’t look at me and see the monster I see myself as now.. Mada.” He paused, taking a shaking breath. “Take me back to the Order of the Sword and Rose. Take me back to Master Oni, Anata.. All of them.. Take me back to my friends. The only family I have left.” 

Mada hesitated slightly and smiled a bit. “Boat just started boarding this morning. Won’t leave for another bell. We’ll be back home in no time, Erebos. I won’t leave you, and hopefully they won’t either.. But.. Let’s just keep the whole ‘I killed my sister’ thing down low..? If they ask, you found her dead in your apartment.. You can choose to tell them privately of what happened, but in public.. I think that would be better to explain, wouldn’t it?”

“..A-Aye.. You’re right.. I just walked in and--” He finally broke down, the material of the blindfold becoming shiny from tears that slowly tried to stream down his burnt cheeks. Mada sighed and pulled the man into a hug. 

“You’re supposed to be older than me you big dork.. But, let it all out.. I’ll lead you to the boat and set your bracelet to your home point when we get close to Eorzea.. Hopefully you can feel your way in.. “ She gently patted the man on his back, holding him for what felt like forever before she pulled away, helping him to his feet. She glanced back to Nyx with a small look of guilt, herself, and led the emotionally fragile man out of his apartment.

[lifeofnejez]

Diary Entry: 15th Dec 2019

In the pervious post, I wrote in a book around 2011 - 2012,

the following post is a poem I wrote when I was 20.

I wrote this way before I went vegan, before I know much about anything to be honest. Reading back on it now, it seems crazy to think how any of it got in my mind at that age. To me this is like some code hidden inside of it. It’s weird cause there’s some parts like, oh that happened! Or oh that is happening. There’s some parts that doesn’t make sense, I did change the English in some verses as well cause the grammar was poor.

Writing has always been a saviour to me, I’ve wrote in many books. But its interesting to look back and connect to my younger self. I started my spiritual journey in 2010 before Christmas, after a lorry hit myself of the car, which then span round and hit another car and ending up in a ditch. I survived that day and no one knows how. I was extremely lucky and from that moment on I went digging for information about life and spirituality. Before the accident I was learning a lot about the Mormon religion, the bishop came to see me in the hospital. When I got home I saw my mother who had no idea I was in a car accident until I got back. I remember the bishop by my hospital bed, he told me that god was behind me, god was looking out for me that day. Maybe he’s right, I’m not sure. I know I saved myself as well, as I remember ever single small detailed before it happened. The sign gave me feelings, then as my friend turned his car into turning at like 30mhr on an icy day, I remember seeing the lorry coming towards me at 60. I remember jumping from my seat as far over to my mates side as possible, Then the black outs happened, waking in and out of consciousness, like I was being reborn again.

I’m not sure what this poem meant to me at the time, I learned a lot about the system around then and how I was sickened by their attributes.

I know I needed healing a lot in my 20s which I never had the money or the support at the time. But as I got older, especially this year, I released that all you need is yourself. SELF is important! Once you fully understand yourself, you are able to conquer life. You don’t need someone to fill up your cup, or tell you what your own cup symbolises, you don’t need someone to tell you to live this way or that way. You just need your self and your own mind, connect to your own soul.

This poem was a big part of me in my 20s, it was mostly the excitement of 2012 and what the Mayans predicted, I was so excited for it.

I know this poem may sound differ, but I knew inside that, this process of Gaia was going to be a big step, leap, in a really beneficial future for the beings on her.

Ramping, tramping, no hope for the landing,

Lacking tracking spirits in the making,

Oh waggy waggy of the furture,

Oh waggy waggy from the past,

Intense hope of revolution, around a crack bang nation,

The course of polar-shift invasion, time lapses fast.

The eye view of the honoured underdog,

Lies between the teeth, between a smog of,

Dreams and weary, the key, the source of each theory,

Of each spirituality, memories of tsunami from the humble earth.

Now tell me this, tell me so, I’m insane, I’m crazy.

I am the new born baby solving this whole made curse.

Of dreaming, of grieving of each story believing,

Spirits on each planets separated from their teachings with the history of the coldest winters.

Silence making, asteroids fading, the time between now is the time that’s creating, non stop falling endless falling,

Crawling, drawing of each planet diverse.

Lording lording, conciseness frauding of each spirits holding onto their time lapse reverse.

Power marketing of power spirits of power power power,

All that is unforgiven, human exists with the Invasion of martians thinking, of seeing the unbelievable thinking of clever magic burst.

Smoking choking, meat eating cow drinking slavery, idea of a saviour lies underneath this ball of bravery,

The making of me, the making of her,

Maybe he or we, the spirits of dignity, on the trail to flea knowing the coldest winters.

Now believe in me when I say I’m just a dream,

The dream of thinking of this creation that sees this humble worth.

A friend is a friend, be a friend to new age birth, where a friend is a friend and the friend is the technology that serves.

No end is an end if the twist begins to send, a timecraft of all things imaginable of this broken gene of universe