#i am about to go through a wall like a wrecking ball.. call me miley cyrus or whatever

[hyunpic]

HYUNJIN & NINGNING DRAMA & LALALALA CHALLENGES

[deafeningdespair]

Manic Depressive Disorder.

DISCLAIMER, this article contains profanity and graphic content. Reader discretion is advised.

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~ Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood. Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing. I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly. "Just have a drink and you'll feel better." "Just take her home and you'll feel better." Keep telling me that it gets better. Does it ever? Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up - no medicine is strong enough. Someone help me, I'm crawling in my skin. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood. I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious. Afraid to be alone again, I hate this. I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh. Is there somebody who could help me? It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up - no medicine is strong enough. Someone help me. I'm crawling in my skin. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood. I need somebody now, someone to help me out. I need somebody now. Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood.

- Shawn Mendes, In My Blood.

*

Okay, y'all, here goes.

Lately, I've been feeling down, kinda lost. I've felt like my heart is quite literally breaking inside of my fucking chest and those stupid little shards are getting lost in my blood stream, slowly making their way through my veins. It's painful and nauseating. They're slicing me open from the inside and eventually, I'll just be lying on the bathroom floor, bleeding out, and the worst part of it all is that I can't even cry out in pain or call for help because there's these massive hands gripping my throat. They're choking me, shaking me, bruising me as the voices in my head scream at me that I'm too weak to fight off the hands or the pain or even the fear. The voices tell me that I deserve what I'm getting and that I'll be getting this exact treatment for the rest of my life.... which, by the way, will only be a few more seconds - because, well, don't forget about the shards tearing me apart from the inside.

It feels like I am dying.

But I'm not.

I suffer from M A N I C depression - which is just a fancy way of saying that I am B I P O L A R ..... only, there's more to it than that, right? Well, yeah, there's more to it than that.

A major misconception about bipolar disorder is that one can go from feeling happy to mad or sad, and so on and so forth..... but that's not true. That's a mood swing, and I don't have mood swings. I have manic depression, remember?

Sometimes, I have highs, and let me tell you something - when I have those highs, I fucking /have/ those highs. I'm on top the world! I feel so free and H A P P Y. I could cry these big, whopping alligator tears full of joy and excitement. Whenever I have these epic highs, it's like I'm a goddamn princess with this flashy gold tiara that's lined with the most beautiful and precious diamonds and rubies, and there's thousands of people throwing white roses and orange tulips at my feet while they bow down to me and.... well, I'm sure you get the picture.

^ THAT is the "mania" part.

Mania (noun) | ma·nia \ ˈmā-nē-ə , -nyə \ - - excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood • excessive or unreasonable enthusiasm. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Think on that for a second.

Now, when I have my lows, I'm nothing short of a natural disaster. Miley Cyrus says it perfectly, I come in like a wrecking ball. I'm destructive with no regard to anything or /anyone/ else. I'm like a hurricane - no, a tsunami. I crash in unexpectedly and drown everyone, I leave debris scattered about recklessly, and do you have any idea what the best but worst part about that is? It's the fact that I don't even care. I couldn't give two whole shits about the people standing in my path that I'm destroying, and that just makes it all worse. As much as I want to care about them and save them, I physically and mentally C A N N O T.

^ THAT is the "depression" part (in case you have no idea what depression is, see below).

Depression (noun) | de·pres·sion \ di-ˈpre-shən , dē- \ - - a state of feeling sad : dejection • anger, anxiety, and depression : a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

If you're feeling frisky and you wanna do some reading on what bipolar disorder is, I'll help you out. Click this guy > here < and it'll tell you all you need to know.

But if you'd rather hear the short version, keep on reading my mess.

Basically, I can go weeks feeling the mania. I can be nothing but happy for days on end, for months even. I'm that happy, peppy, silly (and let's face it, obnoxious) Alex you all know and love.... but then, suddenly, almost like literally flipping a switch, I'm broken. I'm surrounded in darkness and it's eating me up. I don't know how long it will last, and there's really no way to pull me back to the light, just like there was no reason for my demons to even surface in the first place.

When I get in these moods, I like to joke about it because it's the only way I know how to cope. When you ask what's wrong, I simply say with a weak giggle, "I'm just emotional today." but we all know that it's more than that.

So, what I'm getting at here is this - please stop making me feel like I'm this stupid little girl that just thinks she's sad for a minute. Don't tell me to smile or get over it - I'm fucking TRYING and it's not working. Don't ask me a million questions because truthfully, I can't even remember what my name is half the time. Don't even tell me that it's going to be okay because I know that's just what people say when they've run out of nice things to say, and I also know that things w i l l n o t be o k a y. I'll feel better eventually, I'll have a high again - but you know what they say? What goes up, must come down.

What can you do to help? Just accept me for who I am, love me through my chaos, and hold my hand when I ask.

I'll leave you all with this final quote...

"Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It's fun and it's frightening as hell. Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes; other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively. But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression's paranoid self-loathing."

David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family *

[latoyarubalcava3546]

Miley Cyrus Is 'Grateful Every Fucking Day' For Wrecking Ball — But It 'Doesn't Reflect' Who She Is Now

Miley Cyrus may not be "impressed" with her 2013 hit Wrecking Ball, but she's grateful nonetheless!

In an interview for the new issue of NME Magazine, the 24-year-old opened up about how far her music has come and how she hopes to fight hate with love through her songs.

Related: Miley Breaks Down While Talking About Hurricane Devastation

When asked about her sledgehammer-licking days, The Voice judge said:

"I should be grateful every fucking day for that song, and I am. I think people look at things that they've done and there is this sense of shame, or ‘I wish I wouldn't have done that' — not because I'm naked, by the way. It's because I feel like I'm in a deeper songwriting place."

She continued:

"Lyrically, I'm less impressed with that song right now. I feel like it doesn't reflect who I am now, but that's fine because it's not supposed to. I'm sure I'll say the same thing about this record at some point."

Liam Hemsworth's love went on to say Younger Now (out Friday!) embraces her Nashville roots, unlike the pop-heavy Bangerz in 2013 and trippy Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz in 2015:

"For Bangerz I was so one way, and I did that on Dead Petz too. ‘Malibu' and ‘Younger Now' are obviously two very different visuals in a way, but what binds them together is that they are both me. Now, I think I have more of an open mind ... I don't have to be so locked into myself because then I'm putting those walls and borders around myself that I tell everyone else not to give in to."

One track in particular that embraces her new style is one Miley wrote with her godmother Dolly Parton called Rainbowland:

"One line is such a Dolly lyric – it says, ‘We are rainbows, me and you, every color, every hue.' It's about all these different races and genders and religions, if we all did come together to create and said, ‘Hey, we're different, that's awesome, let's not change to be the same, but let's come together anyway.' Because a rainbow's not a rainbow without all the different colors."

Similarly, Inspired was written for Hillary Clinton:

"I'm not fighting fire with fire, hate with hate — I'm fighting hate with love. I'm doing a concert this week in Vegas and for ‘Party In the USA' the screens will say ‘education,' ‘healthcare, ‘equality', ‘justice', ‘freedom', ‘liberation', and ‘expression.' These things are what make up our country. It's not a party in the USA if it's filled with hate, discrimination, walls, [and] violence."

Right on!

With everything going on, the songstress said you won't catch her running from the U.S. now:

"I'm not leaving the country, that's dumb. Because that's me abandoning my country when I think I've got a good thing to say to my country. And trust me, I hear every day on my Instagram, ‘Just leave already! When are you going to leave?' Wherever I am, my voice is going to be heard, and I'll make sure of it."

Loud and clear, bb!

[lorettalivingston6911]

Miley Cyrus Is 'Grateful Every Fucking Day' For Wrecking Ball — But It 'Doesn't Reflect' Who She Is Now

how I looked younger without plastic surgery

Miley Cyrus may not be "impressed" with her 2013 hit Wrecking Ball, but she's grateful nonetheless!

In an interview for the new issue of NME Magazine, the 24-year-old opened up about how far her music has come and how she hopes to fight hate with love through her songs.

Related: Miley Breaks Down While Talking About Hurricane Devastation

When asked about her sledgehammer-licking days, The Voice judge said:

"I should be grateful every fucking day for that song, and I am. I think people look at things that they've done and there is this sense of shame, or ‘I wish I wouldn't have done that' — not because I'm naked, by the way. It's because I feel like I'm in a deeper songwriting place."

She continued:

"Lyrically, I'm less impressed with that song right now. I feel like it doesn't reflect who I am now, but that's fine because it's not supposed to. I'm sure I'll say the same thing about this record at some point."

Liam Hemsworth's love went on to say Younger Now (out Friday!) embraces her Nashville roots, unlike the pop-heavy Bangerz in 2013 and trippy Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz in 2015:

"For Bangerz I was so one way, and I did that on Dead Petz too. ‘Malibu' and ‘Younger Now' are obviously two very different visuals in a way, but what binds them together is that they are both me. Now, I think I have more of an open mind ... I don't have to be so locked into myself because then I'm putting those walls and borders around myself that I tell everyone else not to give in to."

One track in particular that embraces her new style is one Miley wrote with her godmother Dolly Parton called Rainbowland:

"One line is such a Dolly lyric – it says, ‘We are rainbows, me and you, every color, every hue.' It's about all these different races and genders and religions, if we all did come together to create and said, ‘Hey, we're different, that's awesome, let's not change to be the same, but let's come together anyway.' Because a rainbow's not a rainbow without all the different colors."

Similarly, Inspired was written for Hillary Clinton:

"I'm not fighting fire with fire, hate with hate — I'm fighting hate with love. I'm doing a concert this week in Vegas and for ‘Party In the USA' the screens will say ‘education,' ‘healthcare, ‘equality', ‘justice', ‘freedom', ‘liberation', and ‘expression.' These things are what make up our country. It's not a party in the USA if it's filled with hate, discrimination, walls, [and] violence."

Right on!

With everything going on, the songstress said you won't catch her running from the U.S. now:

"I'm not leaving the country, that's dumb. Because that's me abandoning my country when I think I've got a good thing to say to my country. And trust me, I hear every day on my Instagram, ‘Just leave already! When are you going to leave?' Wherever I am, my voice is going to be heard, and I'll make sure of it."

Loud and clear, bb!

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