#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape
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Bruh I be having literally the worst urges and I feel bad that I don't feel bad at all. Like damn. Guess I'm really like that. Well, anyway.
#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape#or rather i enjoy them and am apathetic to the idea that they are evil#unfortunately the fact that I'm excited ab them makes me rly rly rly want to talk ab them#which would be bad#but if it gets bad enough i think its time i let my therapist in on the next circle of anouther hell#i know she will be kind no matter what i spring on her#but this. i dont know how to feel or what to think about all this#its pathological. i can fix it about as well as i can fix the fact that i adore music or get turned on by fear or am consistently-#-platonically or otherwise pulled to murderers and the like#i know its some psychosexual nonsense-- some fixation rooted in some perverse symbolism that i cant fully grasp#its so difficult to be a BadWrong thoughts and desires person#bc even tho i have like. some level of control and ethicsband whatnot. even tho im not doing the guilt ocd thing.#even though i know im ok the way i am#i also know i cant talk ab it. cant be excited about it. cant vent or happy rant about it. stay quiet. let it eat ya#cause ppl cant accept some things cant like. come to terms with things. again and again#i find myself relating more to 'good people' but being able to talk more openly and honestly with 'bad people'#like im too far from either side to ever be fully myself but i must let it out#and so i find i cant trust the people i love most with some of the most personal things more than i can trust a complete stranger#because at least that stranger has no spare room to judge. and i cant give af about losing a strangers high esteem of me#i share something truly heinous and sure i may be threatened but. disappointment from ppl u love is worse than murderous rage from strangers#which came first- the fixation or the corruption? i think it was the fixation#i was like that before. whatever false indulgences i have given myself will always sate the beast and not create it#i am not a bad person. but i will always have a monster inside me. a balancing act between#being a somewhat polite functioning member of society and completely losing myself to the dark#i dont hate myself. i wish i did sometimes so i wouldnt have the urge to vomit it all out#i wish i hated myself and felt such guilt over all that so i could be happy with being quiet. i wish it was only good that excited me proper#or rather i wish i knew someone like me in the right ways. irl. no phones no danger. who i could share with excitedly and not feel like ill#be told that im a freak who deserves to die. someone who will share equally horrific things with me and will keep me in check#i want talk therapy but with someone that has something SO wrong with them. a friendship that is nasty and fun and grossly honest#someone to say 'i know what ur talking ab/how u feel' when i say something pitch dark
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