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youryanderedaddy · 4 years ago

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Love Fuel

Summary: You were Jason’s first love before you broke his heart and rejected him. It’s all your fault that he can’t move on.

Tw: female reader, obsessive behavior, incel behavior, nice guy behavior, self - hatred, threats of non-con, implied non - con, implied masturbation, bullying based on appearance (not reader), deregatory language, kidnapping, misogyny, generalizations, stalking

this is a hot mess but its 1 am and i am tired, ik that incels are bad irl (obviously), but this is fiction and I kinda wanted to explore the dynamic and shit.

Everyone used to call him JJ or The-Big-Jay back in high school. Well, most of the time his classmates weren’t really calling out to him or even talking to him, the names were whispered behind his back, after he had just passed the hallway, or on bad days - right to his face. The jocks, these dumb motherfuckers, would beat him up, mock him for whatever stupid reasons they had chosen to use as an excuse to torment the smaller and weaker. The popular girls would giggle like brainless bimbos as Kyle or Brad or any other football player stole his glasses or continuously punched him in the guts until he threw up all over the floor. Even the nerds, the kids at the bottom of the school hierarchy, messed with Jason from time to time when they wanted to feel the oh - so desired rush of power they so rarely managed to experience.

Looking back, Jason could see why his classmates hated him so much - he was everything that society deemed as wrong and unattractive. He was thin, pale, “scrawny” as the others called him, on the shorter side, and on top of that the teen was terribly shy and introverted, never having the guts to stand up to his bullies or even tell someone about the abuse. The male spent most of his free time at home, playing hours upon hours of video games, watching anime and reading books he was simply too young to understand or look critically at. As he grew older, the man began to view the world as it trully was - a dark, miserable place that ate up sore losers like him. Men were primitive and foolish, which somehow managed to soften their faults. Women, on the other hand, were calculative and manipulative, greedy and sinful. His whole life they had done nothing but reject him when he needed love and support the most. Of course, there were many other reason why the brunette detested the weaker sex. In his eyes women were evil two - faced sluts, showing off their bodies yet acting innocent and hurt once someone finally decided to use them for the only thing they were actually good for.

But you Jason hated the most. You reminded him that no matter how much he hated the outside world, he would always hate himself the most. He had to admit you were pretty, painfully so, with a perfect little body to match your looks and a sweet sugary smile that almost deceived him years ago. As much as the man regretted his weakness, he had fallen right into your trap at the time.

You weren’t the most popular girl, but you had your fair share of friends, all nice and loyal like puppies. You weren’t the smartest either, but unlike the other stupid giggling sluts you always tried to do your best. You were beautiful just like them but you were actually kind to the pathetic bullied kid no one else bothered to acknowledge even existed outside of being a punching bag. You always asked him whether he was alright and often took him to the infirmary when he looked paler and sicker than usual. You talked to him as if he was a normal human being and despite the initial doubt, Jason appreciated it.

It was the last day of your senior year when the teen finally gained the courage to confess. He was shaking the whole time and by the end of his little speech there were small tears in the corner of his eye. You were the first girl the male cared about, the first one to show him kindness, to offer him friendship without asking for something in return. You were the only one who could make him feel deserving of love, worthy of affection. And then you took it all away in a matter of seconds.

“I am sorry, bud.” You had said that day after giving him a half - hearted hug and an apologetic smile, that started to seem more and more like a mocking grin the longer the teen started at you. “I already have a boyfriend, but I am really flattered. I am sure that you will find a lovely girl once you start college.” You had added quickly, cheerfully, rubbing the salt all over his wounds, honey dripping from your plump red lips. He had wanted to kiss them, bruise them, bite them until your stupid lying mouth was filled with blood. Obviously you didn’t have a boyfriend or he would have known by now, he stalked your social media religiously after all. Even if you had one, he probably treated you like shit. And how could you even suggest him finding another woman? As if he wanted any of the stupid money - grabbing sluts out there. As if some of them could replace you.

The boy was too furious to form a proper response besides “Fuck you, bitch”. His cheeks turned red and he didn’t realise that the bitter words had escaped his lips before he could stop them, then his legs took him far away from that shithole of a school. He didn’t manage to see your reaction before running away but it didn’t matter anymore. You were just like the others.

***

That day Jason swore to show you just how small and insignificant you had made him feel. He wanted to see you crumble, cry and beg for forgiveness, desperate for his love but never good enough to get it. The man formed a plan to change himself and come back for you once he had erased each and every trace of his past. The brunette came to terms with his terrible social anxiety and decided that he needed to gain social abilities more than anything. That’s why, as much as he dreamt of working from home as a boring programmer with an even more boring, but flexible working schelude, the male chose to study something that involved a lot more human interactions. The next step was to hit the gym for the first time and get a monthly subscription. It wasn’t hard to see that females nowadays liked brain - dead athletes with defined jawline and cheekbones, toned chests and strong muscled bodies, so if he wanted to impress you, he had to look his best. It wasn’t easy at first - it felt like everyone in the fitness salon had their eyes on his weak frame, laughing and pointing their fingers at his imperfections, but things gradually got better as time went on. The trainings became easier to get through and from time to time they even helped the man forget about his loneliness and nihilism.

Jason soon returned to his old habbit of spending hours looking through your accounts - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, he knew all of your usernames, each post, every picture and text. He couldn’t believe how much of a desperate attention whore you had become over the years. The male remembered you in your long brown skirts, cozy sweatshirts and pure-white shirts, all the gray buttons closed to the very top, blushing, laughing, smiling like the adorable Goody-two-shoes you were. Now you were smirking seductively in every photo, overconfident and vibrant, flaunting your tits for every man to see and wearing tight little dresses that barelly covered your ass combined with heels so high and sharp they could be used as a weapon. You were such a stupid slut it was disgusting, and he couldn’t stop himself from jerking off every single time he saw your pretty little face on the screen. He wanted to cum down your throat so badly it was ridiculous, and even after knowing that you had probably already had hundreds of cocks shoved deep inside your pussy, the brunette still wished to see you split open on his, taking his lenght like a good little cocksleeve.

***

The moment when he could see you again finally came. How many years had passed since graduation - five, ten, fifthteen? It hardly mattered. Jason was successful, at last. The male had his own business that was doing surprisingly well, there were some guys from the gym he could call friends and the best thing, he looked absolutely unrecognizable. There was nothing left of the tiny scrawny kid with quiet voice that everyone stepped over, he was now replaced by a strong capable man, determined to get what was rightfully his and his alone.

It wasn’t hard to find you since the brunette knew everything about you - where your job was, what time you finished, how long it took you to go home and what path you took. You lived alone and worked as a barista in a small local cafe even now that you had finished your studies in your dream faculty. Turns out the princess wasn’t so great and smart after all, having to resort to working a minimal - wage job day and night just to be able to pay her rent. Jason was absolutely delighted though, he loved your stupid dead - end job and your endless struggles to survive in the materialistic world honestly and fairly without selling yourself like a common whore. On one hand the male was happy that you had clung onto your last bit of innocence and on the other your pitiful lifestyle gave him the chance to snatch you away much easier. And that’s exactly what he did.

***

You woke up confused just like he had expected, bombarding him with questions, asking him who he was was, begging him to let you go, to at least explain what’s happening. You were so dumb, but God, you were still so pretty, if not prettier than before. You cried so beautifully when Jason told you you belonged to him now and you cried even more when he slammed his cold rough lips over yours in a deep wet kiss. You whimpered and whined while the male sucked on your lower lip and bit down, good, he wanted it to hurt. The stalker couldn’t wait to be inside you, he couldn’t hold back anymore.

He climbed on top of you and pinned your wrists to the floor before tying them up with delicate red rope and tightening it. It wasn’t like the man was scared of you slipping away and hurting him, you were too weak and tiny to stand a chance against his years of power - lifting and muscle - training anyways, he just wanted you to be as uncomfortable and squirmish as possible. Your tormentor wished for you to be in worse pain than he had been during his youthful years, and he knew exactly what to do. Next thing you knew Jason had ripped your dress apart, leaving you vulnerable and exposed in just your plain old panties and bra. Cold shivers ran down your spine when the chilly air hit your naked flesh and you finally realized there wasn’t getting away from this. You had to stay there, limbs bound together, unable to move or fight back, the stranger’s hands caressing your neck before moving dangerously close to your clothed breasts. You felt so sick you were going to throw up for sure if your abductor didn’t step back so you decided to use your last resort.

“Jason, please stop!” You screamed out of the blue, forcing the brunette to freeze instantly at the use of his birth name. You had already called him a pervert and a psycho which didn’t seem to faze him, but the name clearly caught him off guard. This only seemed to prove your theory further - the man really was your former classmate, despite the only similarity between them being the dark distant look in his eyes. “I beg you, don’t hurt me!” You continued, hoping to at least buy yourself more time before the assault took place.

He gulped loudly and stared at your quivering form. The impossible had happened, you had recognized him and now together with fear, there was also pity in your gaze, the one emotion your captor absolutely despised. You used to be the only one who pitied him, and even now that he was bigger, better and stronger than before, you still had the guts to pity him. It drove him insane but any attempt to hurt or touch you was fruitless now - your soft skin was suddenly burning his fingers like hellfire.

“You must be thinking that I am a monster.” Jason started out dryly, chuckling bitterly, humorlessly even. He clenched his fists unconsciously and brought them to the floor in a fit of rage, missing your head by mere inches. Your heart was beating like crazy and you only hoped the mandman couldn’t hear it. “A freak.” The man spat out the word like it was a curse and for a split second his eyes softened before turning into two spinning torches. “Right?” You were sure that if looks could kill, his would have you dead by the end of the night so you quickly nodded your head no.

“You are lying to me again, pretty girl.” The brunette replied feisty, "pretty” rolling off his tongue like an insult. Then he broke into hoarse maniac laugher and lowered his head so his face leveled up with yours, so close you could feel his warm breath on your tear - stained cheek. “When I am done with you, you wouldn’t be so pretty anymore, darling.” Your captor growled and attacked your neck, sinking his teeth deep into the flesh. “You will see exaclty how ugly my love is.”

#yandere #yandere oneshot #male yandere x reader #male yandere #yandere oc #yancore #yandere male x reader #yandere oc x reader #yandere smut #yandere x you

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americachavez · 5 years ago

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did cas really tell dean to kneel before their new god? did that actually happen? i thought him beating the shit out of dean in that alley was the most unrestrainedly horny thing this show had ever done ACTUALLY you know what scratch that new question: top horny moments from the cw's supernatural (2005 - 2020)

getting this ask feels like my sins of the last week have been weighed against the Trials I Have Gone Through since the premier of supernatural on the wb in september of 2005 and I’m not sure if it is a punishment or reward

some notes before we begin:

the ep with dean’s male siren was like, conceptually horny but not actually that horny because the dude was uglie. I’m sorry to this man

all you sam girls out there. I respect you but I do not respect jared padalecki who is JUST tall and has zero sex appeal. but those eps where he’s like, drinking ruby’s blood and then eating her pussy are. you know. I’ll give you that

I am ONLY UP TO SEASON 10 so fair warning this is not comprehensive but the horniness does seem to drop off sharply after the mark of cain is no longer in play lol gotta love a good demon murder tattoo plot

this is easily the most insane thing I’ve ever done, including the destiel manifesto

S1 EP12: the scene where dean gets healed by the faith healer, on his knees with a hand in his hair and looking somewhere between religious ecstasy, brain death and an orgasm. starting this list off great

S1 EP22: azazel possessing john winchester. no I will not explain further if u know u know <3

S3 EP10: dean being taunted by a dream version of himself, this is where we first got the daddy’s blunt little instrument line. still burned in my hippocampus a good 13 years later thank yew

S4 EP1: dean crawling out of his own grave covered in grave dirt. hot. the HANDPRINT. HOT. also tangent but this reveal after the s3 finale was WILD back in 2008 I hollered in my dorm room after canvassing for obama. simpler times man

S4 EP 1: cas’ intro scene. the barn. the shadow wings. the hair??? getting stabbed in the chest by the man you just pulled out of hell. getting aaaallll up in that personal space. his little eyebrow. “you don’t think you deserve to be saved.” OUTRAGEOUSLY FLAMING

S4 EP02: “I dragged you out of hell I can throw you back in.” <<< this angel tops. mark dean down as scared and horny etc

S4 EP16: this ENTIRE EPISODE but specifically the part where dean tortures alastair as some kind of foreplay and then alastair kicks his ass. carved you into a new animal. jesus.

S4 EP16: wait I forgot about the part where cas also gets his ass kicked and looks all....hm. dazed and covered in blood while he’s on his knees and about to die. yeah.

S5 EP4: I mean this entire ep is unfairly horny considering everyone is dying of a zombie plague and hasn’t showered in like, 4 years but if I had to pick one hmmm. the dean/dean interrogation scene with the panty kink yeah I know it’s not original but hm. it happened. also misha collins just being able to convey that CAS IS A FLEXIBLE SLUT with a single roll of his shoulders. who SAYS this man can’t act!!!!!

S5 EP18: the ALLEY SCENE. DEAN DOESN’T FIGHT BACK. CAS HOLDS HIM UP OFF THE GROUND AND THEN THROWS HIM ACROSS THE ALLEY. WHY DID EVERYONE THINK CAS COULDN’T TOP. you all had brainworms.

S5 EP18: when cas locks dean in the panic room to stop him from saying yes to michael and “well cas not for nothing but the last person who looked at me like that I got laid” I hate this show. wait I think the blow me cas line is in this episode too what the fuck were they on here

S6 EP5: the scene where dean gets turned into a vampire. between the old dude who I think calls dean a pretty boy (??) and soulless sam....watching??? no ******* but there were just some absolutely foul energies in that scene and I still do not understand WHAT they were thinking

S6 EP20: cas doing a double smite on two demons by slamming them to the ground and then shoving another demon back in its vessel and then smiting him in the same motion. TOP. ENERGY.

S6 EP22: season 6 is possibly cas’ horniest season because he’s like, going through angel puberty after getting his first boner for dean, but the final cas eps are. whoof. cas eats a bunch of souls and proclaims himself to be a new god in order to handle said boner, and then the season ends with cas telling them to bow down and profess their love to him, their new lord, or he will destroy them. note: the way this is framed makes it look like cas is only staring at dean while he says this, even though sam and bobby are also there. the season ends with dramatic zooms on both cas and dean’s faces respectively. this made me actively regret ditching this show after s5 lol

S8 EP??: literally EVERY SINGLE PURGATORY FLASHBACK. cas dean and benny are all purgatory hot in the “pop 10 cranberry pills and risk the UTI” kind of way but also. dean being the hot girl bottom between two tops who hate each other. I really. whew. I need to go take a shower.

S8 EP17: if I get canceled for including the crypt scene on this list I blame you bud. but dean on his knees begging a brainwashed cas to stop killing him WAS sexy. how many times has dean been on his knees in this list wait there’s another one coming up next jsldjfsldkjf

S9 EP2: abaddon getting dean on his knees (YEAH) and pulling his hair and praising him for always coming when called HELLO???? the only thing that ruins this is dean says “I can’t tell if we’re gonna fight or make out” because this is the CW and they won’t let him say fuck

S9 EP6: ah. this entire episode is Emotionally Horny but the horny horny part is when they’re in the car and dean is telling cas to unbutton his shirt and. watches. I know this was on my destiel manifesto but I need it here too

S9 EP9: cas, covered in blood, slitting another angel’s throat and eating his grace after getting tortured. that shot alone made me understand why this website was so goddamn horny for misha collins for nearly a damn decade

S9 EP11: MARK OF CAIN BABEY. cain watching dean beat up a bunch of demons as an audition for taking on the mark, while crowley also is a fucking voyeur to the whole thing. cain is also a hot silver fox with daddy energies. I said what I said

S9 EP 16: dean getting the first blade. he’s chained to a pillar and being menaced by a foppish dandy who wants to add him to his “collection” (WOW). dean then kills him with the blade and whew. murder is sexy sometimes

S9 EP21: dean being pinned against a wall by abaddon’s power, then using the mark of cain to break her hold, calling the first blade to him psychically and then killing her. god the mark of cain is hot

S9 EP23: dean waking up with the demon eyes NUT

S10 EP2: demon dean beating up that dude with the boring backstory and kicking his ass. really was a go on baby I got your flower moment because I hated that dude and I love demon dean

S10 EP3: demon dean being chained up and taunting sam about how his brother is gone, then hunting sam through the bunker. demon dean in general was VERY fun for me, someone who loves trash

S10 EP9: dean going berserk and killing a bunch of pedophile rapists/child abusers. I’m sorry I know this show is trying to preach morality at me about monsters and unnecessary murder and humanity or whatever but we blew past that like 8 SEASONS AGO. also the mark of cain is sexy

S10 EP14: the rest of this list is really gonna be mark of cain stuff isn’t it look I’m here to have fun. cain and dean’s fight. cain continuously tossing his mane of hair back and taunting dean with the picture of what he’s going to become, who he’s going to kill. dean begging cain to tell him that he can stop, and then ultimately killing him. rip daddy.

S11 EP4: again I have not watched this however. every shot of this episode is PRESTIGE TELEVISION because driving a muscle car is sexy. and especially the shot of dean all beat to hell and begging his car to start and giving her a little kiss from his fingers to her dash. ugh. masculinity.

S12 EP10: the bearded salt-and-pepper daddy look returns, only it’s an angel this time and he’s wearing a vest and shirtsleeves and he swordfights with a hot redheaded lady in a suit and an eyepatch. this show is good sometimes!!! and oh fuck lol I just realized this is the same guy who played krissy’s hot hunter dad in s7 probably the first guy who’s hotter as an angel than a hunter. huh.

S12 EP 11: dean riding larry the mechanical bull to “broomstick cowboy.” I have no idea where this factors into the ep but I have seen. the youtube clip

S13 EP23: from what I can tell s13 is way more emotionally horny than boner horny, although dean burning cas’ body was sexy. but the horniest part was dean saying yes to michael and then michael taking over and saying “thanks for the suit.” we are going to ignore the silliest fight scene in existence as well as the final shot ending on a FREEZE FRAME like a goddamn tiktok

S14: not gonna pick a specific moment because I have not watched yet!!! but michael dean is hot. idk why michael is weirdly hot and I cannot stand any iteration of lucifer on this television programme. it should be the reverse but I’m forever an older sibling stan apparently. someone who is catholic could probably explain this better.

S15 EP13: genevieve padalecki and danneel ackles fight flirting as ruby and anael I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY HELD OUT ON THIS TILL THE LAST SEASON

I know I am missing things but this is already an absolutely incomprehensible screed. I know I’m missing shit from the latter seasons but give me time I’m pacing myself

#reply tag #spn tag #literally no one read this lol this is insane #Anonymous

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highgaarden · 5 years ago

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a lover’s concerto; game of thrones au. written for @klaroline-events‘ kc june bingo: ROYALS.

He shouldn’t be sitting so close, really, seeing as they were only just betrothed – and Caroline really wanted him to push his chair a bit further, but she had been told that you don’t tell a Targaryen what to do, much less the Mad King himself.

“Are you always so improper? Back it up, Dragon Boy,” said Caroline, who had never liked being told what to do.

Highgarden was a madness of wine and song. Enzo was trying not to vomit across the table whilst Damon was passed out underneath it. Loras was busy regaling a very drunk Malachai about that one time he accidentally set half their gardens on fire. Margaery was giggling, leaning heavily into Bonnie, who looked like even she was enjoying all the commotion around her.

It was strange that the everyone would have so much cause for celebration considering – everything – but… there you have it. Maybe she’d enjoy the party better if she wasn’t sitting at the head of the table, so far away from her friends.

“You’re sulking, Princess,” Klaus pointed out from behind the rim of his goblet.

“I don’t sulk,” she said, sulkily.

“Would it make you feel better,” he said, “if I named one of my dragons after you?”

“It would not,” she said primly, but Klaus hardly missed the little flare of curiosity in her eyes.

“Qeldlie, I think I’ll name her,” Klaus decided. “It means golden. After your hair.”

Caroline, who had not yet started to learn High Valyrian, had to take his word for it. “A dragon in the Reach. Who would have thought?”

“These fertile lands suit them, it would seem,” Klaus said. He tipped his goblet at her. “Here’s to us Growing Strong.”

She tipped her own goblet back at him. “With Fire and Blood.”

—

The day the Targaryens came to Highgarden was quite a thing to behold.

Niklaus the Mad came swooping in on his dragon Viserion, whilst his sister Rebekah was on Drogon, and his brother Elijah was on Rhaegal, just like the stories they always hear about.

Katherine, a good handmaiden and a very bad flirt, was fanning her cheeks. Caroline wanted to snort. Who the hell did they think they were, rolling up into her lands with their bigass envoy and their stupid sunglasses?

“It’s not that hot here,” she grumbled. “No, Elena, do not wave!”

—

William had decided that to remain in his seat as one of the most ancient houses in the Kingdom, declaring friendship wasn’t enough when Klaus, apparently bored one day, wanted to liberate Westeros.

As if being an era ahead of them in technology made Dragonstone the ballers of the Seven Kingdoms. Klaus certainly thought so.

He was in William’s audience chamber when Caroline stomped in, huffing, and Klaus had tilted his head at her.

“Princess of the Summer courts,” he greeted.

“Your Grace,” she managed as graciously as she could, and sunk into a curtsy. “What brings you here?”

Klaus didn’t answer her. Instead he turned to William. “My Lord, your daughter speaks out of turn.”

“I—” blustered her father, turning a magnificent shade of magenta.

“I like it,” Klaus said. “So, have you heard? I am in search of a wife.”

“No, Your Grace - I hadn’t heard,” William said, the cogs already turning in his head.

Caroline’s barely had time to think whether this was a good opportunity to faint before Klaus has his lips on her knuckles.

—

Rebekah took to her at once, not because she was a lady as equal in beauty and stature as herself, but because she was someone to talk to that wasn’t one of her brothers.

“You’re lucky you’re an only child,” the Princess of Dragonstone confided one afternoon whilst they were practicing their stitching. She peeked at Caroline’s work – a pull of the needle here, a little thread there, and a flower bloomed to life in her hands – and looks approving. “You wouldn’t believe it, but brothers! They take ages getting ready.”

“You don’t say,” Caroline mumbled. There was already a ring on her finger, one of promise, and apparently there were two more to come before she and Klaus were finally to marry. She was disgruntled not at the fact that he had crafted her a ring so soon but more the fact that she didn’t hate it. She’d expected a big rock, and yes, it did come with that, but it was also surprisingly tasteful.

And it suited her very much, as if the gifter had taken exceptional notice of her hands.

—

He wasn’t bad company, she supposed. Things could be worse. According to Katherine things almost had been worse – apparently her father had considered a proposal from Winterfell.

Sure, the Starks were cool and all with their Direwolves, but she still hadn’t forgotten the time in Year 10 when Tyler, having invited Caroline over during one of those tedious Royal Exchange Programmes to experience court life in the asscrack of winter, had warged into his Direwolf in an attempt to impress her and had shed all over her favourite dress.

“Do you like dragons?” Klaus asked over breakfast. It was just the two of them since everyone else was still nursing their epic hangovers from last night’s wedding announcement celebrations.

She chewed thoughtfully on her lemon cake and swallowed before answering. “I do,” she said. “But I’m not talking to you until you tell me why you chose me.”

“I fancy you,” Klaus said.

She looked at him sharply.

“Is that so hard to believe?” he asked, sipping his coffee.

“Yes.”

The look he shot her was incredulous. “I see beyond your petals, you know. That you’re beautiful is a given – that you are strong, I have no doubt, considering your House words. But you are also full of light. A maiden fair as summer, with sunlight in her hair.”

Caroline frowned down at her tea and fought down a blush.

“If we finish up quickly, I’ll take you to see Qeldlie,” he said.

Caroline blinked at him. “Did you really name a dragon after me?”

“Of course.” He ducks his head. “It is not something I do often, mind you.”

She looked at him from behind the rim of her teacup. “I know.”

“Do you now?” Klaus asked with a tilt of his lips. He hesitated for a moment. “Dragons, they’re the opposite of humans.”

“How so?”

“They’re loyal,” he said simply.

“To a point, I’ve heard,” Caroline said.

“That’s true,” Klaus conceded. “If you treat them well. With the deference they deserve – but not so much that they can sense weakness. You must command them – and I saw that in you. You would have a dragon bend its knee to you, Princess.”

Caroline didn’t quite know what to say to that. She put down her teacup, and for the first time looked him in the eye. “Take me to see her.”

—

She was a magnificent creature, creamy white with gold markings, flapping her great wings and snorting hot air onto her cheeks. She stared up at it, wide-eyed with wonder, her heart in her throat as she took in its size. When Qeldlie spread her wings it spanned almost the length of her entire private garden.

“Golden,” Klaus murmured and tugged on one of her curls. “She’s a youngin, still, but under your care she will flourish. Have your other teenage lovers ever accorded you so magnoliously?”

“This isn’t a competition, Your Grace,” Caroline rolled her eyes. Qeldlie butted his hand out of the way to nuzzle into her cheeks, startling her with its sudden proximity.

“Klaus,” he corrected. “And I know it isn’t. They couldn’t possibly compare.”

“You’re assuming I’ve been courted aplenty,” she said, reaching a tentative hand towards Qeldlie before pulling it back. “I don’t think having a profile on RoyalMatch.com counts.”

“Have a word with your team about taking that down, will you?” Klaus started to scowl, before realising she was kidding. He returned her smile slowly, like he was out of practice or something.

“Like this, Klaus,” she almost chastised. She cleared her throat once and turned to face him fully and turned on him the famed Tyrell charm, the beguiling femininity of a rose.

Klaus studied her. “I don’t care much for pretence, sweetheart. I’d much rather you show me your thorns.”

Insistently Qeldlie returned her snout to her neck, and she yelped at the sudden heat.

“ȳdra daor!” Klaus commanded in his native tongue, batting the dragon out of the way. “Keligon bona.”

She recognized those words of reprimand at least – she really should had paid more attention in class. But how was fifteen-year-old Caroline to know she’d end up marrying a Targaryen, a House so ancient they were almost myth? Ironic, innit? twenty-year-old Caroline thought.

“Qeldlie,” she said slowly, and the dragon rears back and lopes gently behind her, growling something she can’t understand yet but hopes to one day.

Wait, hold up.

Was this dragon—

Was this dragon pushing her into Klaus?

“I hope it’s true about Targaryens being immune to fire,” she muttered when it’s clear the high heat in her cheeks can’t be politely ignored. Klaus laughed and buried his nose in her hair, breathing deeply.

“I’m immune to many things, love,” he said softly. “Apparently not to you though.”

She pulled out of his embrace and made a face at him – and he shrugged, like he couldn’t help himself.

#kcbingo2020 #klaroline #klaus x caroline #klaroline fanfiction #so... i... well *shrugs*#hannah writes things #hannah does kc bingo #mine #*tvd #aas usual i posted all of this up last night at 3am without reading it through first #and then had a field day with edits #i apparently also forgot the READ MORE button exists #hmmmmmmmmm

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jamiejohnsontalk · 5 years ago

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LGBT Representation in Jamie Johnson as Compared to Other Kids’ Media

Pinned to the top of my blog because I’m quite proud of this post, and I still want newer followers to be able to see it.

From what I know, LGBT representation is relatively new in media. Not just kids’ media, but media in general. I don’t even think I knew what gay meant until I was like 11. And I didn’t know that religions didn’t exactly have the greatest opinion of gay people till my GCSEs. In that sense, I was lucky. I knew I was gay before I knew what homophobia was, so I have always been comfortable with who I am. But others didn’t have life that... Well, simple I suppose. I’ve always known who I am, but other people, well, in the worst case scenario, gay people can become homophobic themselves and grow to hate themselves. This might seem like a sidetracky introduction, but I think it shows the importance of LGBT in media. For someone like me, it can help to start to normalise gay people to my family. Even though they’re still homophobic, at least they’re able to watch programmes with LGBT characters in. I met someone who’s dad wouldn’t watch any shows with LGBT characters in it. And for how rare gay people used to be in media in general, they’re even rarer in kids’ media. Why is it that Disney Channel only had their first gay main character in 2017 when homosexuality was legalised in... 2003 in the US. Wow, I can’t lie, I looked up that statistic expecting it to be way earlier. OK, but it was legalised in 1967 in the UK. So why did I never see any gay characters in my childhood? I’ve known I was gay since I was 9, but I must have first seen a gay character in, OK, it was Doctor Who. Captain Jack was pansexual. So I did have some LGBT representation. But there wasn’t much. And again, not in kids’ media. So, let’s look at some of the kids’ media that changed the landscape for LGBT rep in kids’ media. Sarah Jane Adventures and Wizards vs Aliens We’ll start with what I think is probably the worst types of LGBT representation. First of all: Wizards vs Aliens. Benny came out. But I can’t remember the show ever talking about it again after he came out. Sarah Jane Adventures. Yes, it’s not Russell T Davies’ fault that he never got the chance to let Luke come out in the show, and yes, he got to have Luke come out in the memorial episode for Sarah Jane on YouTube, but even before Liz had... Luke had left the main cast, so his coming out would have still meant less to audience members. Gravity Falls had a coming out at the very end of the show, and I believe so did Adventure Time, so they fit in this category too. Compare that to Dillon from Jamie Johnson. Yes, there’s a reasonable chance we won’t see him again after this season, but if it is, he gets to leave on a high. We get to explore his coming out journey. Steven Universe Steven Universe is great for LGBT representation, and it’s great for normalising LGBT representation. You’ve got a huge variety of LGBT characters, because the Gems are all gay (Except Rose). So you can understand that there are different types of gay people (Love Victor did that too, but I’m not sure how many people would watch it). Steven universe is definitely the gayest kids’ show. High School Musical the Musical the Series fits in this category too. Carlos is out and proud. And we don’t see his coming out, more his love life. Again, great rep. Normalises gay people. Jamie Johnson is nowhere near the level of gay that Steven Universe or High School Musical the Musical the Series is, but I think that it’s less meaningful than other shows I’ll mention and Jamie Johnson. It’s the same reason Victor said “Screw you” to Simon at the beginning of Love Victor. We don’t want to see gay people who have it easy. We want to see gay people who are like us. Who have been through stuff and have come out the other side alive. We want hope, but that doesn’t come from seeing gay people who have it easy. I see people playing football and risking corona and I’m jealous. I want to play football again. I see gay people have it easy: Same. I wish I could have it that easy, and it makes me sad. Steven Universe is a great show, and has great rep, but I think even kids’ media should have something closer to home. Andi Mack and Diary of a Future President I love how they portrayed Cyrus and Bobby. We got to see Cyrus’ story from realising he liked guys to being able to say “I’m gay” to showing his crush he likes him (though homophobes can pretend the bench scene was just a friendship scene). Cyrus’ arc was great, and the bench scene was perfect and the only problem with it was that it deserved a fourth season so we could see Cyrus and TJ in a relationship. Diary of a Future President though. I was heartbroken when Bobby didn’t come out to Liam. But then I found out there was a season 2 and I was OK, because it’s hard to come out. It’s as if all the shows make it so easy to come out to the first person, but it’s not. The first real life person I came out to, I came out at 22. And they had come out to me first. And I had to write it down on my phone. I couldn’t say it out loud. So yeah, seeing Diary of a Future President take it slow is amazing, and I love it, and it’s also what they did with Dillon. Some people think that they only really intended for Dillon to be gay from season 4. But, I think that they’ve known since the beginning. I plan to do a character analysis on Dillon after my rewatch, but I think I found something that shows they must have known since at least season 2. (I expect the analysis will be a lot shorter than this. Sorry for the crazy length. And if it’s a crap read. I don’t essay well). But if they knew from the beginning, that was a brilliant move on their part. The only thing that makes me unsure is how Dillon took 3 years to realise he might be gay, but it’s possible that he denied it to himself until he realised Elliot was gay. Because there’s no way he wasn’t thinking he was gay in season 4 episode 5. He didn’t think he was asexual, his reaction to Ruby’s foster mums suggested that he was interested because they were gay. But regardless, I love that they took it slow. Not everyone can come out as easily as others, and having someone like Bobby, or like Dillon, is so much more meaningful than Cyrus, even though Cyrus is an amazing character. Bobby and Dillon are more relatable because they’re finding it tough to come out. The Dumping Ground I kept trying to decide whether I thought the dumping ground or Andi Mack/Diary of a Future President had better LGBT representation. In the end, I decided that I preferred the Dumping Ground’s representation. Yes, in Andi Mack and Diary of a Future President, we get to see the coming out journey of Bobby and Cyrus, but even though Andi Mack touched on homophobia, a lot of people didn’t even realise Kira was blackmailing TJ, making him afraid of how people would react if they found out he was gay. A number of people just thought TJ was being an idiot. But the Dumping Ground had a gay couple wanting to foster Gus. And IIRC, Johnny thought it was wrong because they were gay. Something like that would foster (see what I did there?) potential discussion between parents and children about gay adoption. Some kids watching the show might have been gay and if they watched it with their parents, they could talk about it with them. Gage their reaction. Maybe even come out to them. The Dumping Ground’s episode was great. And then May-Li came out. And we never got to see her full journey, But we did get to see her journey to being accepted by her grandmother I think. And that’s something. And Now On To Jamie Johnson Just like the Dumping Ground, Jamie Johnson has been able to tackle serious issues. I mean, season 1 dealt with Jamie’s cheating father. You’ve got Zoe being a carer, Dillon getting diabetes. But in terms of LGBT representation, it’s season 4 and season 5. Season 4 episode 5 was incredible. I remember telling all my friends about it, and how amazing it was that CBBC were doing this. To recap: Ruby said her heroes were her foster parents, causing Dillon to ask Ruby about it. She thought he was being an idiot, even though in actual fact, he was excited that someone else was gay and trying not to show it. Dillon told his dad that Ruby had foster mums while he was telling him how Ruby’s biological parents weren’t in her life anymore. Liam, Dillon’s brother, used it to rile up Ruby’s sister Alba until she attacked him. She probably would have gotten expelled from the club, but Sienna filmed the incident so everyone found out what really happened, and it was Liam who got expelled. I think Alba only got excluded. What I find really awesome about the storyline though is not just that they had it. It was that the consequences of Liam’s actions set the course for the rest of the season, aka Dodgy Duncan. Liam’s actions caused the club’s image to go down the drain, and sponsors to leave, and that’s what made Duncan turn to the dark side. And it’s a subtle way to just say “Homophobia is bad”. Because Liam’s homophobia caused all the problems in the rest of the season. The First Time Dillon Let Himself “be Gay” Dillon took a long time to come out. And, like me, I think for a long time, nobody really suspected he was gay, in real life or in the audience. He never really showed it. I’m pretty sure when I was a kid, I would act super offended and upset if someone jokingly called me gay. So, yeah, it’s a slow burn. And we didn’t get any hints that he was gay, but that happens. Gay people are good at hiding, I think that’s why gay kids are often portrayed as loving theater. They already have to act their whole lives. It’s not easy to be in the closet. But I think that once Dillon was able to leave his father’s shadow, he was able to be more comfortable with himself, leading to him coming out to Elliot in episode 7. I think he had crushes before, specifically Michelle from season 2, but Elliot was the first time he felt like he could be himself. So here we have two massive points from other shows, but they haven’t been done together. The discussion of homophobia in the Dumping Ground, and the Slow Burn from Diary of a Future President. Social Media Presence Andi Mack made a huge deal about Cyrus being gay, like a week before the episode where he came out aired. HSMTMTS had Carlos be a gay stereotype from the trailer, and OK, Steven Universe was always gay. But Jamie Johnson, and the Dumping Ground didn’t make a big deal about it beforehand. They didn’t scream to the world “Look at us! We’re woke!” They showed it. They let people see for themselves, they let people debate for two weeks on Dillon’s sexuality, and they didn’t tell everyone that this was the episode Dillon would come out (though they made sure that everyone knew they should watch this episode). They just let people see for themselves. And after the episode aired, they made their move. They had the Jamie Johnson logo in rainbow colours to celebrate pride, they had a guide on how to react if someone comes out to you, and they had a history of pride, and I expect they’ll do even more on their social media after this week’s episode. @tkstrand reckons the Delliot post is Jamie Johnson’s most liked instagram post. I don’t know whether the other shows did this, but it’s a great gesture regardless. Oh, and there’s the fact that they’re doing a Bafta zoom conference on how they tackle issues. Choosing the Right Character and Breaking Ground for CBBC A lot of people on Instagram said that they thought it was Boggy who should be gay, and while I think either storyline would be great, I think that the writers made the right decision. 1) Boggy is an amazing person. He’s not afraid to be himself. I think, if Boggy was gay, then he wouldn’t have as much trouble coming out as Dillon is having. Of course, Boggy is going through stuff right now, but I still think he would have been a lot braver than Dillon and so we wouldn’t get the storyline we’re getting now delving into homophobia 2) If Dillon does have a minor or major role in season 6, we might get to explore homophobia in professional football, which would be super exciting 3) While Boggy is an amazing character, I’d reckon kids tend to gravitate to the coolest character as their favourite. And while Boggy radiates cool. (Seriously, check out the two posts I made on how sarcastic he is. And just look at his hat at the beginning of episode 1!

But Dillon is the more traditionally cool character, so he’s more likely to be a fan favourite (that and the fact that he’s the best developed character in Jamie Johnson). So for those who aren’t necessarily homophobic, but don’t really understand homosexuality, Dillon is the perfect choice to have written as gay. Because after next week, the people who don’t believe Dillon is gay might leave the episode with a new understanding of LGBT people. It’s been done with TJ, who’s also a cool character, but people who want to ignore the gay subtext can because it was never said out loud in the show. And I reckon Dillon is a groundbreaking character for CBBC. Benny left soon after he came out, Luke left before he came out, May-Li is part of an ensemble cast, so in terms of a small number of main characters (the core 4 in JJ being Dillon, Jamie, Zoe and Boggy), so I think Dillon is the first gay main character (not ensemble character) on CBBC who has gotten a major gay storyline. Could be wrong, let me know if I am! Groundbreaking in General From what it looks like, the next episode is gonna focus completely on Dillon’s coming out storyline. Forget kids’ media, I don’t think I’ve seen an adults’ show that has an entire episode solely dedicated to an LGBT storyline. (Even Reunited from Steven Universe wasn’t completely focused on Garnet). Love Victor was jam packed with side stories and I think even Real O’Neals always had side stories to it. If another show has done this, I’d love to hear, but if Jamie Johnson really has the whole episode dedicated solely to Dillon, I think it’s huge. I only hope it doesn’t mean that the storyline will be forgotten about in the last 4 episodes, but since the head writer of Jamie Johnson is LGBT, I have no doubt they’ll do it justice. Does Jamie Johnson Have the Best LGBT Representation in Kids’ Media? No, I don’t think it does. Andi Mack has 2 seasons where we follow Cyrus on his coming out journey and Steven Universe has a lot more LGBT people, including a non-binary character. But in the aspects Jamie Johnson does well, it excels at. The homophobia storyline(s), and Jamie Johnson’s instagram presence. And having the best developed and best defined character be the one to show kids how to treat gay people. Thursday could be a historic moment for Kids’ television if they do this right, and I think they will. So I hope that everyone enjoys the episode! No, I swear this wasn’t a long promo for the next episode. No, I am not sponsored. Yes, this post was extremely long, I’m really sorry about that. I hope it’s worth the read. If not, don’t worry, this will almost definitely be my longest post. No, I don’t know how to have a “continue reading” button. Does anyone happen to know how? Thanks! Edit: Apparently 4 O Clock club had a gay main character first, so I got that wrong, but I still hold that Jamie Johnson is groundbreaking.

#jamie johnson #delliot #lgbt representation #analysis #long post #Seriously this is a super long post

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arecomicsevengood · 5 years ago

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A PANEGYRIC TO THE THINGS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

I generally don’t talk about why I write criticism; I presume no one cares. The core of my contrarianism rests on the fact that many of the things I dislike or have an aversion to I think the market is set up to reward. This holds true both for what I write about and how I choose to write about it. I’m not writing about all these Drawn And Quarterly books that seem like novelty gag gifts for people who don’t actually like comics. I’m not writing about simplistic YA material put out by major publishing houses. I’m not reading superhero trademark maintenance. To me it feels like pre-chewed food I see and know to avoid. I’m also pretty put off by work that’s self-consciously “lowbrow,” but to that stuff’s credit, I don’t think it’s particularly popular. It just seems to fit into larger trends of what’s readily digestible, due to its own willingness to dismiss itself.

When it comes to criticism, I read a fair amount of other people’s writing, and collate a list of ways I don’t want to write that coincide with what I hate to read. I don’t want to read anything that’s “personal” in a way that takes the general premise of the existence of a book as an excuse for a narcissist to talk about themselves. Still, it seems like people love that. It is essentially the lingua franca for a whole type of websites, to have writers leverage their identity or trauma for the sake of hot takes. Even if no one gets paid particularly well, there is a reward in the economy of attention. People also really like writing that praises things that are already popular, because they want to be given permission to like the things they like, but no one needs that. People also like dismissive takes based around incredibly shallow surface-level impressions of something that then becomes this shorthand “common knowledge.” if you say “Chris Ware’s boring” or “Rob Liefeld can’t draw feet” there will be no shortage of people chiming up in the comments to say the same thing. People love to be given permission to not have to think about things, and while I understand that impulse completely, I’m too far gone down the hole of obsessiveness to play along.

I wish I could say all that I dislike falls into one of a fixed number of categories, but in actuality, I am all too often reading writing that makes me ask “why won’t you just shut the fuck up?” or exclaim “jesus, this is so depressing!” and it seems new ways to garner these reactions are continually being manufactured, though in general, the innovations in this area are being done in the more lucrative world of music writing. Still, many of the things I wish to avoid have been done by writers I absolutely admire, partly because they’re more prolific I am, and so can’t allow themselves the luxury of overthinking what they’re doing for the sake of avoiding trends. (I also try to avoid writing stuff that’s just plain stupid and offensive, but lord knows that gets hate-clicks, and hate-clicks are as valued as any.)

I try to engage the work that’s on the page. The best work encourages a multiplicity of readings, I write a lot with the implicit assumption that the framework I’m bringing to bear might be wrong. I believe the work that has the most ideas present inside it will be conflicted enough in depicting multiple ideas simultaneously that it doesn’t encourage a straightforward and easy read. I relate it to the paradox that the most interesting people are those who don’t talk about themselves, but ask questions of others. Presumably, those who are disinterested in others don’t interrogate themselves in their moments alone.

I might be being reductive. So many of my own thoughts might be overly simplistic, a set of half-thought-through opinions designed to arrive at a place of dismissal so I can move on. I spend a lot of time thinking about the sort of creator-owned genre comics Image traffics in these days, because I have zero interest in them, and they don’t seem appealing at all. They don’t come close to my idea of good. I generally object to the way contemporary comics are colored, but I think the issues run deeper than that. The line generally used in reference to them is to call them movie-pitch comics. But is that why they’re bad? I don’t know. Maybe the issue is just the way their writing stands in relationship to economy, where a single issue is not a satisfying story. Maybe superhero comics work better than that stuff because there’s an explicit formula established doing the heavy lifting, and if you are doing something more “high-concept” you need to spend more time with exposition and can’t just defer to the visuals of a fight scene that superhero comics demand. I don’t know! Any answer to the question of why things don’t work is going to end up with some broad statements, because the act of artmaking involves an incalculable amount of choices, any number of which could balance out or redeem any of the others. It’s almost surprising that the history of comics isn’t littered with works that were concerned failures at the time of their release but seem prescient in their storytelling choices now.

I want to write about work that is interesting to think about. What’s interesting to think about is that which I don’t understand. Obviously, writing is an attempt to make sense of something, and much of what I write about then becomes something I understand, or at least, have a take on. But I still want to engage, in some sort of honest way, the work I don’t understand, that short-circuits my brain.

A good example of something I don’t really understand is Stella Murphy’s comic Hometime, which I ordered from Domino Books. It’s a collection of single-panel gag cartoons, kinda? Every page is meant to be taken as its own entity. It’s printed and red and yellow, it feels eye-searingly bright. There’s dialogue balloons, not captions. The visual language sort of seems like it comes from underground comics, of the way underground comics relate to older cartoon styles. I’m saying all of these things like they’re sentences but if I were speaking to you there would be no hint of certainty in my voice. Another paradox: I often feel like I don’t have the language to describe what images in a comic look like unless I have an idea of what the narrative is doing. Maybe these gags feel like they work because they’re incredibly economical in their subversion of the expectation one comes to gag cartoons with. That almost seems too simplistic an explanation to count. I’m sure, if you haven’t read Murphy’s cartoons and grappled with them, that sort of conclusion seems like I’m saying literally nothing.

I’ve been reading Krazy Kat again. It’s interesting that that’s a strip which is notably formulaic, but also is all about subverting that formula or having it play out differently or avoid it altogether. It seems pretty agreed upon that the key to successful comics writing is to have a degree of economy in terms of the words on the page. This allows the images to carry their weight, but images themselves have their own weight of meaning that’s accrued over time. Think about being born on this Earth, and all of the acclimation to one’s surroundings that occurs concurrently with the acquisition of language. Talking with a computer programmer friend, his stance on writing code was, the easier it is for you, the less lines you have to write, the more code has been written by other people before you that you’re relying on. So many of the best comics are consciously written with an awareness of expectations that are then subverted. I don’t know. Generally the argument I make, when talking about “experimental” work, is to contrast it with “formulaic” work. This is my way of asserting the obvious superiority of the former. But maybe this is wrong, and the best and most effective comics, including the ones I’m labeling “experimental,” nonetheless have a formula they’re playing with? Because the truth of the matter is my use of scientific language is a pose premised on my not actually understanding math.

I imagine that a normal person wouldn’t understand why anyone would feel compelled to write comics criticism in the first place. For all the shame I feel about the fact that this is what I’m doing, I’m proud to say I don’t know what my fucking deal is.

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elizawright · 4 years ago

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Other Experiences

Interviews with other women with Aspergers

Source: Aspergers Uk Facebook Community

I noticed while being on the group most of the participants were men backing up the statistics that majority of the Aspergers community are male. This backs up my own theory that women find it harder to get diagnosed as majority of what doctors associate as “Aspergers Characteristics” come from male representatives. A good point from somewhen else in the group suggested that it also comes from the fact women are better at masking.

First Interview

Below is an interview I conducted with a lovely lady called Lauren, it was a very interesting read and supported what I already believed to be true through my own experiences. Women with autism are rarely represented in the media and struggle to get diagnosis or support from others as they show different characteristics to the majority of the Aspergers community:

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. Feb 2009 age 13 nearly 14

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. it was difficult and took about 8 appointments to get a diagnosis as lot of signs/traits were interlinked with other conditions I already had diagnosed

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

A. I'm strict with time (not been late once), very well organised and creative

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. No I was diagnosed with mental health before I had my diagnosis and a lot of people say to women because you can do eye contact or you have empathy/show emotions that they are not autistic when they are. People need to remember women are naturally brought up to be more mature/grown up then men so we learn things sooner than men would.

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Going out to busy/crowded places, meeting new people/socialising with new people and changes especially to routine. Neurotypical people should be taught about autism in school so less bullying happens and more support can happen even simple things like structured routine or explaining something in a different way or putting it into a real life prospect.

Q. Is there anything else you would like to add?

A.People need to realise that autism is a invisible disability and there isn't a certain look like down syndrome. People also need to remember that autism is different in every person so just because one person with autism is aggressive it doesn't mean everyone is going to be aggressive. Finally to remember autism comes in different levels and severities so one person with autism could live independently with a little bit of support while another person with the same diagnosis might need 24 hour care and support

Second Interview

Another lovely lady called Sophie bravely answered two of the questions for me:

Q. Is there anything else you would like to add?

A. I feel autism is based more around men. The way this could be improved is if people were more aware that autism can affect both males and females

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

A. I didnt actually get diagnosed until I was 19 but I went to John Parkes when I was younger as ny mum thought I was different but they only said I am left handed but use ny right hand so it was left at that until I was 19 and my mum started working in a school and realised that I did a lot of the things that an autistic child at the school did

Third Interview

Lastly was a very helpful interview by a lovely lady called Ebony. I felt the most connection with Ebonys answers, pretty much everything she said I could relate to, specifically the struggle our mothers had to get a diagnosis, the miss belief in diagnosis of you don’t fit the stereotypes and the frustration with the lack of positive female representation.

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. I was diagnosed at 8/9 years old

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. My mother found it difficult to get me an assessment to get diagnosed because I have a genetic condition which they wanted to overshadow autism under. Even though they’re totally unrelated. She fought in court for two years before I was granted a full assessment

Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

3. Aspergers makes me more observant. Aspergers allows me to focus specifically on and learn things really easily with things which I am really interested in, in detail, which is really useful for my degree. And Aspergers makes it easy for me to process visual information

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. Absolutely not. Autism seems to be very much represented by men with the very typical characteristics (Big bang theory and atypical prime examples). I think there needs to be more female influencers who are on the spectrum speaking about it and also in movies, using autistic female characters as the main character instead of male

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Change. I guess just not changing things would be helpful but I think that’s just the way of the world.

People thinking I’m not on the spectrum because I’m not good at maths or science and I don’t have a breakdown every two minutes. Not assuming the stereotypes are true in everyone. My very black and white way of thinking. Sometimes this gets in the way of being able to think perceptively, as hard as I try, it can be very hard to understand why something is the way it is.

Interview 4

Interview with a lady who would like to stay anonymous. She has a very interesting story and in the past has done lots of work studying Aspergers in women.

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. 2007

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. I had anxiety n depression off n on for years. Worked as a advocate an had an abusive partner and it became worse. I went to a gp after reading about the condition and was dismissed by the gp. I took anti depressants n they made me feel so bad. Weight gain, hailing beginning to fall out n head felt like a racing feeling. Went back n was referred for cbt n refused to take meds as suicidal thoughts listed as side affect, which was happening. Went for cbt the lady had an autistic son. She picked up on traits n did n assessment n referred me to psychologist. I think I was quite lucky in my journey, in terms of a diagnosis. My mum said she always knew but she was always on meds. I’m not a fan on medication - personally

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

A.1. I stopped hating or comparing myself to neuro typical people and what they do so easily.

2. It was ok to be different and I wasn’t stupid

3. I started to see myself and my traits and enjoy being me. If that makes sense

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. I think when people are shown autism they are often shown the extreme. I watched a programme on the bbc about people with asperges and I couldn’t c myself in any of them. People always think of Chris Packham but we too are all v different as are NTs. The only other female I know of is Susan Boyle who was exploited in some way. But I believe she’s had support now and on the up bless her

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Too many people

Eating around strangers

Bright lights

In terms of how Nts could help is tough. I’m used to not having help so can be hard saying I’ve got a disability n then dealing with people’s preconceptions or struggling without help. Mentor ship in terms of study n maybe work place could be good.

Interview 5

This interview is another who would like to be kept anonymous, their family is very judgmental of their diagnosis therefor they don’t openly disclose their name.

Q.When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. I was diagnosed in 2013, aged 36

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. I was fortunate in that the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me was a specialist in the female autustic phenotype, which made the diagnostic process easier.

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

A. Three positive things about Asperger's:

I stand in solidarity with my autistic kids, and understand them better

The way I think makes me good at writing essays

I think autistic people find greater joy in small things than neurotypicals.

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. Autism in the media is usually male, which influences women's ability to get diagnosed and get help. There is a small but persistent push my autustic women to make autistic women and girls more visible, and we need to keep building on that

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. I struggle with practical things, like maintaining a routine, using public transport, and following directions. Neurotypicals can help by recognising female autism, and simply being kind

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chiseler · 5 years ago

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THE CHISELER INTERVIEWS ANDY McCARTHY

Chiseler: Please tell our readers when you began digging into obscurantist concerns -- these strange and neglected corners of New York history. Give us a sense of how it all started, and some idea of the scope here. Andy McCarthy: I worked as a New York City tour guide on the red doubledecker buses between 2004 and 2011, and Times Square was one of the highlights of the tour. The tour began and ended in Times Square — New York begins and ends in Times Square. The history of the world's entertainment district is a big subject — lots to talk about and always more to learn. Plus everyone hates Times Square. Elmo probably even hates it. So it was even more inspired to find the appreciation for the experience of it as it is now in the present. Like going to a Starbucks in the East Village and finding yourself talking to the ghost of Joey Ramone, who loves the Tall Blonde. West 42nd Street in particular was always a synapse-inducing subject — it isn't that it's obscurantist (except maybe for understanding the real estate chronology), but that there are a million ways of approaching it — it's the brightest neighborhood in America after all — the old theaters, the showbiz history, labor action, smut lore, the "cleanup" and failed redevelopments before the final wrecking ball in the 1990s, etc. Anyhow in 2012, film programming friends were putting together a series that revolved around the history of W. 42nd Street — they called it THE DEUCE, after the nickname for the block between Seventh and Eighth Avenues. The idea was to program a movie that once played in one of the theaters on the Deuce, and I would perform an intro monologue/ slideshow about the history of the theater. We did our first screenings in the backroom of Videology on Bedford Ave in Williamsburg, and then evolved to the proper movie chambers of Nitehawk Cinema in 2013, where as of March 2020 we have done about 80 screenings. Don't call me an expert but the pop legacy and damaged psyche yielded by the Glittering Gulch has consumed my research panascope like a large bucket of stale popcorn you can't stop shoving it in with gulps of fountain Coke during a matinee of Wolfen. For the last six years I've worked as a reference librarian at NYPL at Fifth Ave and W. 42nd (not the Deuce). My division is US History, Local History, and Genealogy - we get all the NYC history questions. At NYPL the resources available in researching each month's DEUCE spiel far surpass the amount of tips bagged at the height of tourist season by the Naked Cowboy.

Chiseler: When I was 15 or 16 years old, a suburban Jersey kid, I would occasionally take the bus to Port Authority with $20 in my pocket. It was a magical place in the 70s and 80s. Can you tell us something about the porn scene in those days, maybe its larger history, and how it relates to the evolution of your Nighthawk Cinema?

McCarthy: I’m generalizing, but the porn business in Times Square seems a combination of obscenity laws and the real estate market (versus the city and state imposing change). Obscenity laws had increasingly loosened since the 1960s and by the 1980s so many cases ruled in favor of pornography that the pursuit of smut peddlers evaporated like dots of old money shots on a mattress at the Elk Hotel. Sure Edwin Meese led a commission against porn in Reagan's Morning in America as a coalition of the religious right against the entire ethos of the 1970s, but it doesn't seem to have achieved anything other than beleaguering feminist activists who opposed the rampant exploitation of women in pornography only to find a black hole of political alignment with right wing morality police. Live sex shows and bestiality periodicals were then the product of free speech. Meanwhile, big business had no interest in occupying or redeveloping the commercial spaces in Times Square. But landlords held on to the old buildings and theaters — occupied by movie theaters, sex shops, etc. - waiting for a future time when the demand for Times Square real estate upped the value and they might cash in. The neighborhood became a sex district mostly because these were the only businesses that would pay rent in the area — which most New Yorkers supposedly avoided. And it was the 1970s — the white middle-class had fled, it was a party town, the city was broke, its own redevelopment efforts continually failing on the Deuce, where the racial patron and hangout demographic was majority Black, and drugs and prostitution were viable business. But the theaters on the Deuce mostly didn't play porn. The Victory (today the "New Victory") played triple-X and the Harem was a 24 hour porn box — but you had more opportunity to see First Blood or What's Up Doc? in the 8 or 9 other theaters on W. 42nd between 7th and 8th Avenue. XXX theaters were elsewhere in Times Square than the Deuce. Whether it was magical depends on one's experience of it at the time. Times Square has always been a fantasy factory and the DEUCE movie series we do exalts going to the movies, and even when the experience back then was rough, most reminiscences of people seeing movies on 42nd Street is a memory of great impact. We do not celebrate that it was so bad it was good (the same way we do not program movies that are "so bad they are good" — that crap is for bored minds who are less able to form an independent thought than the digital diode Coca-Cola sign at 47th and Broadway) — but it is a combination of place and experience in a matrix of moviegoing: there are many stories to tell about each theater, and the movies we program may take on new life in the forgetting chambers of Nitehawk Cinema. If porn ended up characterizing the business of Times Square when obscenity laws and real estate allowed it to, then no surprise — such is history…

Chiseler: I’m with you on “so bad it’s good” — a goddamn disease. I spend years of my life hunting down non-canonical titles, not with the tacky idea of establishing an alternative canon, but with the goal of subverting the very notion of canons. In other words, I’m seeking great films that establish their own criterion for greatness, compelling viewers to recognize them on their own ground. To expand your last answer a bit, would you mind dwelling on a few titles you’ve screened and tell our readers why you selected them?

McCarthy: OK — the DEUCE is a group effort. First off we are thankful for Nitehawk Cinema to have hosted the series for so long. I only do the intro monologue / slideshow on the history of a theater, while my co-jockeys — seasoned film programmers Joe Berger, Max Cavanaugh, and Jeff Cashvan — program the screenings, which are always a 35mm print, sprocketed by boothmaster Pro-Jo Joe Muto. The 35mm signature touch seems to be one of the ongoing draws for the audience, who routinely sell out the 90 seat theater, ahem... Cashvan puts together a list and Max tracks down a print (if one exists). The selections hinge on whether the movie once played in a theater on the Deuce, and the availability of a 35mm print — the experience of history in the screening zeroes down to the technology too. The movies are chosen because they have creative merit and yield enough for the viewer to determine if they are good or bad — or anything in between, which is much more interesting. Also we gotta honor the faith of the ticket-buyers and uphold any rep of the series, and not hash up some dumb time-wasting crap. Some of the flicks might be obscure, like Night of the Juggler (a gritty 1980 NYC exegesis on the type of race and class tensions too familiar under the U.S. presidency of the hurrahed bastard) or Teen Lust (bizarre sex romp directed by that-guy character actor James Hong) or Combat Shock (Vietnam vet psychodrama shot in Staten Island, including the Nam scenes), and other flicks are not obscure, like A View to a Kill or Tommy or Luna or Runaway Train... The crowds continually seem to enjoy a genuine going-to-the-movies experience; there is never any of that ironic insecure brainless hipster douchebag laughter that you get at some of these retro screenings that sizzles my nerves like hamburgers and franks on the grill at Grand Luncheonette at 229 W. 42nd Street next to the old Selwyn Theater — both places long gone. I saw Lost Weekend at BAM one time and was surrounded by people laughing at Ray Milland suffering from delirium tremens. What kind of loser pays $15 to act like that at a movie? Anyhow - those types don't come to these screenings. Some people come no matter what is playing, others for nostalgia or a particular love for a movie, others for whatever. No one is coming to experience the reenactment of a W. 42nd Street theater in 1982, which is not the intention — if it was we would just play grade-Z spaghetti westerns or Porky's sequels and allow smoking in the theater.

Chiseler: I realize that COVID puts a fairly long-term kaibosh on movie theaters. Where, if anywhere, do your hopes lie for continuing your work? Night of the Juggler ranks among my favorite films, by the way.

McCarthy: I am working on a book that corrals all the research I've done for the last 8 years. As far as reopening movie theaters, I have no clue. That is up to Nitehawk etc. The series is a theatrical communal thing. We haven't all been in touch about carrying things through the quarantine because there is no virtual alternative. As for Juggler it's too bad the movie is super unfindable. But how and where we obtained a one-time-only print will remain as undisclosed as a Gambino wiseguy taking the fifth.

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scottishgirlthoughts · 5 years ago

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after a toxic relationship

“Emotional abuse is any abusive behavior which isn't physical. That may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behaviour over time that aims to diminish another person's sense of identity, dignity and self worth, and often results in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol addiction and PTSD.”

I was one of the lucky ones.

I moved away before things got worse. I do put it down to luck, but I feel anything but lucky. What happens during and after an emotionally abusive relationship is completely out of your control. You don't even know it's happening. Every time I go to talk about this subject with someone in person or write it down, my first immediate thought is, 'I better say that it was JUST emotional abuse, don't want anyone thinking that I'm exaggerating or that I’m weak, self-indulgent or simply trying to get attention.’ One roll of someone's eyes or slight uncomfortableness is enough to shut me up forever and attention is the last thing I want.

That thought pattern which I keep going back to over and over again, is part of the impact of what an emotionally abusive relationship can do to your brain. I am now in a healthy relationship with someone who I feel I can talk about absolutely anything with, and yet I still feel like I need to stop myself from talking about my ex and the effects he had on my brain and my body. I know myself very well, and when I knew something was wrong, it was time to trust my instincts. And thank god I did, because who knows where I'd be now if I hadn't done that.

I am by no means an expert, but have done enough research to understand a little bit more about what was/is going on in mine, and many other people’s brains. This is something we need to talk about. Seriously. If you have never experienced this form of abuse then I could forgive you for being obstinate, not wanting to listen, or for assuming that there are worse things in life to go through. Of course there are, but every persons experience with abuse, no matter in which form, is valid. I hate that I'm still thinking about it almost four years later, but I sort of don’t have a choice. What I've found out is that it can last a lifetime... and I'm determined to not let that happen. This is not a piece of writing for those of you who have experienced a relationship like this, it's more for those of you who don't quite understand. My abuser was, himself, a survivor of child abuse. He was also an addict. All this bulls*** about how experiencing abuse strengthens you, gives survivors the reason to believe that what they are going through is something that one can simply 'get over'. That's not how it goes, trust me. Sure, you can find a form of strength within yourself afterwards which you didn't know was there before, but with this can also come a surreal feeling of loneliness. I don't hate my ex. I feel for him, and have tried to understand, now that I have the smallest inkling into what it must be like to live with that form of trauma, which lead to very early drug dependence for him. It's an important part of the pattern that we need to take into consideration.

I met this man when I was 18 years of age. I had what I thought was a connection with him. We started to see each other, and I soon realised that he had a drug addiction. I can't remember most of our time together, and I still struggle to this day to put all the pieces together. All I know is, when we parted ways, I thought I was very much in love with him, but it was infatuation. He was living elsewhere, in a very bad place mentally and physically so I got in touch with a shelter in his area which had a programme focused on helping people with their addictions and their past. It was then that I started to feel disconnected from the person I had become while I was with him. I started to look in on things from the outside, and slowly realise what had actually been going on. It's difficult to write this from my perspective still, but I'm trying my hardest to remember how I felt during this time. All I wanted was to help him, but the reality I've more recently come to, is that I've done all I can do for him. My first introduction to 'sociopaths' and 'narcissistic abuse' was a video on YouTube by a man called Sean Fitzgerald. I had of course heard those terms before, but really had no clue what they meant. Everything he said made sense to me. Confusion was the first word which rang true. When I look back on that period of time with my ex, it seems like a dream. Not like heaven, more like a disconnection from reality. The period afterwards was also filled with confusion. I couldn't figure out why I was experiencing sleep hallucinations or having dreams where 'he' could 'still get me' and I felt fear everywhere in my body knowing full well that he would never, and never did, physically harm me.

This is where fight or flight comes in to the picture.

Fight, flight, freeze is when the amygdala in your brain takes over and puts you into a state of alertness, but what receiving emotional abuse does is turns that response on, and doesn’t turn it back off. You’re always on edge and ready for something bad to happen. Trying to train your brain out of that constant state of fight or flight feels almost impossible.

Usually we associate PTSD with one horrific event, but a prolonged exposure to trauma can do similar amount of damage to your brain. People who are being manipulated mentally experience trauma daily. If the abuse is not overt, it means that the person suffering is not in the right state of mind to fully grasp what is happening while it's happening, so by the time you know, the damage is done. Some call it PRSD (post relationship stress disorder). Some of the lasting effects of this form of relationship are -

Trust issues.

Self-blame, for everything.

Emotional numbness.

Rapid weight fluctuation. Eating excessively can feel like a way of giving something back to your body, subconsciously, and in the case of losing weight, our body uses a lot of energy when in fight or flight mode, trying to fend off an imaginary attack.

Brain fog. Simple tasks become more difficult, losing your train of thought, forgetting where you are, or finding it difficult to navigate, and concentration just seems like an alien concept.

Social anxiety and panic attacks.

And in my experience, telling yourself that you're a bad person.

Please seek some form of help if you are feeling any of these things, or at least do some research.

I spent a long time feeling like I was physically unable to talk. I thought people wouldn't listen, or just wouldn't understand. Even when someone is supportive, I can't help thinking that they probably just wish I would stop talking. When in reality, I don't think I've even spoken to anyone about it for longer than 10 minutes. I can actually piece together things in my head now and look at it rationally, which is a huge step. But I can't help thinking about the people who are still living with it, and have been through more severe forms. I have spent some time feeling sorry for myself, I have spent more time feeling sorry for my ex. Sometimes I feel like I've worked through the worst of it, sometimes it comes back to me. This form of abuse changes you. It changes your brain and the way you respond and think. It changes your body. Even now while writing I am debating whether or not to click ‘post’, for fear of judgement, but if it can help someone else in some way, then that’s who I’ll write this for. The one thing it has changed in me which I'm thankful for, is the outlook I have now. After having been through that state of mind which survivors live with daily, and putting someone's needs before mine so wholeheartedly, the one thing I would choose to take from it all, is a sense of empathy. I’ve been brought closer to myself, but I’ve developed a strong sense of understanding towards other people’s struggles. My ex maybe wasn’t very nice to me, but the anger he had inside him was something which had developed over several years of trying to live and deal with trauma. There was nobody there for him growing up, so he resorted to drugs and other forms of distraction. Addiction may seem like a selfish thing from the outside, but it is a disease. And in many cases, a person’s escape from the harsh reality of their lives. This issue is in no way simple nor can it be fixed overnight, but the amount of people who have been through this is astounding. There are many, many people who have been through the same thing as him and even me, and it’s not talked about enough. Sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture to get an idea of how we got to where we are now.

Please be patient with people. Please listen to what they say and take note of how they respond to the things you say. Take what they have had to live with into account before you make quick judgements and have empathy. Even for the ones you do not wish to feel empathy towards. You can hold your own hand, but at the end of the day you cannot pull yourself up a mountain, only someone else's hand can do that.

And for those of you who are learning to live with C-PTSD or PTSD after emotional abuse... I know that it’s confusing. I know that you feel self-conscious and insecure. I know that it is affecting the other relationships in your life and you don’t know how to fix it. It takes a long time, but there are people who WILL listen to what you have to say. You don’t need to be scared of rejection anymore. You are ok, you are worthy and you are safe.

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finderskeepersff · 6 years ago

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15. Part 6

Some guy in a suit made his way over to me “Champagne sir?” he asked me “erm, why not. I am sure Sofia will be a long time” I could walk with her but she will just continue to say no and say that she don’t want it but she does, which girl doesn’t “coming right up sir” I am not about this at all but women are I guess, shopping with my girl doesn’t bother me but when they act all like they can’t have that, now that I hate. Just buy it, be more like my sister she never says no. That is the only reason why I am not with Sofia but only god knows what she is doing, feeling my phone in my left pocket ring. My burner phone hasn’t rang in a while which has been a blessing, grabbing my phone from my pocket “Myles” answering the call “is this call charging me?” not even a hi just this “maybe, who cares” he disconnected the call, he is such an ass. He wants me to call him back which I will, that doesn’t bother me at all. Sighing out calling him back, he is so tight for doing that “you mad annoying nigga, why put the phone down?” I asked in annoyance “I ain’t paying that bill, I will be quick. The fleet gone now” that took a while “ok so now what? You took a long time to do such a simple thing. I want you to get a new fleet of cars, tell Kyle his contact needs to do better. I want that money to you know, be done” I am not about to say clean, they may know what that means here “your champagne sir” the guy came back “thank you” taking the glass “champagne sir? Where are you!?” Myles asked “shopping” placing the glass down “Sofia?” nodding my head “yeah, I am not going to use Sofia to clean the money. She has the five thousand which is nothing but that is it. But I may just use her family. They struck for money, the money in my mom’ home. I want to get rid of that” that is not so much so my idea “rid of it!?” Myles spat “that keeps us good? You said that, why the change?” he questioned “thinking bro, just think about this. There is too much money we need to clean, I know I won’t be getting it back but so be it, we need to get legit and lay low. Have I ever lied to you? If you do it my way we can get out of this” Myles groaned out “who would have thought we would be rushing to clean money? We was broke as shit thinking when we was getting our next fix on a small bag and now look at us” I laughed at the thought of that “we built on that money but I am going to use the money on the card so you can put the money back on, it will be a few thousands. Buy your mom a new house, start buying things for your family, invest but do not do it that will bring attention, we need to act like we ain’t leaving. You know my car I got, sell that. Get me a new car from the fleet. Everything we do will have history, remember that. When the police question, what can they do?” Myles laughed “I trust you” he knows I am good at this.

This is crazy, like have they taken Sofia away from me because it’s been well over thirty minutes now “hello, hi Sir” looking behind me, the very store assistant I saw earlier “hi?” I said confused “please come through, she is waiting for you” getting up from the seat, there wasn’t just me sat here. There is another three males here but they seemed a little stuck up so I just stayed quiet “right here sir” smiling at Sofia, she looks like she has been treated well, two store assistants “you done?” that is all I want to know “well yeah but I will pay you back” nodding my head “you want my card?” I said to the lady just walking around me “don’t you want to know how much?” shaking my head holding out my black card, Sofia’ eyes widened and so did the women but I think she was acting like I ain’t had the money for this “will be back sir” the store assistant took my card “you have that?” Sofia said, nodding my head “but why did you put five thousand in my bank?” I shrugged “for you” what else she want “I feel bad, you can’t do this Cassius” I rather spend this money “think of it as an investment. These things can sell for high too, if we do ever split then you can sell them” the store assistant stood next to Sofia just looked at me but it was a flirty look but Sofia on the other hand, she looked offended I even said that but she shouldn’t be.

I finally got to see what she bought “Sofia Bundy, you spent twenty three thousand on just bags? You know I ain’t mean bleed me dry” I joked “I didn’t know what to do, I just saw them and the women knew I liked them and kept adding them on, I couldn’t say no. Oh my god I feel bad” she really spent that on just bags, that is crazy “so you said you was going to pay me back?” I laughed, the hell she ain’t “so you want to do this on monthly repayments?” holding the receipt out to her “erm, I suppose” having to told the bags is not a good thing, I am struggling, there is too many bags to hold “so how about we call it sexual favours, I mean I am easy on that or I want payments of five hundred every month, failure to do so results in you swallowing my babies” Sofia wants to laugh but she didn’t “I feel bad Cassius, you paid that, I felt so overwhelmed. I will pay you back, let me hold some things” shaking my head “Sofia, I told you. I said get what you want and you did. It’s fine, I don’t want paying back either so stop that noise” I don’t want her feeling bad either “let’s go in here” I pointed at the Fendi store.

I came into this store for Sofia, not for me but she keeps trying to dress me “Sofia, come here” I really like this Fendi dress, I saw it when I walked in and I know she will look so good “I saw this, I want you to buy. I can just imagine you in this Sofia, I like it for you” Sofia looked at me a little shocked “really?” nodding my head “I can just imagine you in this, I ain’t come here for me. It’s for you, I really like it for you. When I think of you I imagine you in things too, I know how bomb your body will look. Buy or whatever, I will buy what you want me to wear, fair enough yeah?” making it fair on her end “Cassius, you’re making me cry” she wasn’t lying, Sofia is staring to cry “oh my god, please don’t. Why?” is she crazy “you don’t get it, I have always been so deprived. No man has said such words like I imagine you in this dress, it was always why are you wearing that? Cover yourself because you look not good but I knew I did. You’re making me cry” Sofia sobbed out, this is not good “please cry later, not now. Honestly, people are looking” I panicked “I am sorry, I can’t even deal right now” I smiled awkwardly at people.

I am very tired but this is peace right now, my head propped up on Sofia’ booty while I am on the phone. She is laying on her side doing whatever but shopping is just not my thing, I am so damn tired but just to lay on the bed with someone I love, I mean we may both be quiet but I think she is tired too. Looking over at the TV and then back at my phone, picking at my chin hair, I need to start thinking of a home, a real home for us. I have found a few homes I like but it depends on what Sofia is thinking on, she may not want to think big like me. I am all for this “are you enjoying laying your big head on my butt?” Sofia moved her butt cheek a little catching my attention “huh?” I said confused “I said are you enjoying the rest on my butt, your head weighs a lot” I laughed a little “what are you looking at?” I think I have made a decision, this is the house I want “move your head up” propping myself up a little, feeling the bed move “ok lay back down” resting my head back “ugh! I can feel bones now” looking up at Sofia smiling, I am now resting my head on a her lap “shut up, what are you looking at?” Sofia asked, taking my phone from me “homes, I like this” I hope she does “Cassius, that is crazy money” I knew it, she would say that “ok ignore that, it’s nothing. Just look at it, it’s nice. It’s good for a family, schools. The high school there has the best football programme. It’s a newly built community and the home is brand new. You want to to start new so let’s start new, shit looks good” I did my research “I didn’t even have to mention such things and you did it. Thinking about schools huh, this is five bedrooms Cass. The home is a dream, wow. It’s something I have always wanted” I knew that, she told me that “we can check it out, fly to Atlanta. You wanted to move there so let’s do it” I am always listening to Sofia “but what do you want?” she asked “you, I got that. That is all I ask Sofia” Sofia is always emotional “why do you cry? Oh my god!” I spat, even Sofia had to laugh because I hate it “I am sorry, you don’t get it. I never thought I would love or find a man that would. I didn’t know how to love because my dad didn’t love me. I just get so overwhelmed by it all” I understand what she means by it all.

I did assume we was going to have alone time but the girls want to meet up, they probably want to gossip with the shit they got or whatever “Cassius, you got class and style baby. This dress is so nice, and it hugs up all on me, oh my god. And look at my booty, oh my god. I love this dress. I look like I am worth millions, god. I can’t thank you enough” I can’t wait to see her now, I bet she looks so good “we both going to look good, this top is big on me but it’s whatever” Sofia chose this sweatshirt for me at the Fendi store and paid for it so I will accept this, it was nice of her “look at me” Sofia walked out Fendi head to toe, the midi black Fendi design dress looks perfect on her “wow! You look too good for me Sofia, I love it. They about to be jealous” Sofia waved me off “don’t say that” she walked back into the bathroom “I am ready to go now, god. I am going to treasure this so much. Thank you Cassius. I owe you everything in me” sitting on the edge of the bed smiling, she don’t owe me shit but her love for me and that is it.

We are a little late, I mean there was traffic but we made it “reservation for two?” the guy said as soon as we walked in “no, table under Mia?” I know they going to hate on Sofia, I just know it because I get those feelings “follow me sir” looking behind me “come” letting Sofia walking ahead of me, even the server looked at Sofia and was impressed. This old white man, he can keep his eyes to himself. Seeing the long table in the middle with everyone already sat, it’s a little shit because the only parts left is the two end spots. So we got to sit apart “look at you two!” Kenton spat, they all looked at us “oh my god, you look so beautiful” Mia gushed getting up, I ain’t about to sit away from Sofia “excuse me” I said to the guy before he walked off “yes sir” digging into my pocket “can you include another table at the end, can you make that happen now” pulling out my notes “we are very busy” he said, grabbing the five hundred Euro note “I am sure you can make it happen” passing him the note “maybe we can, it will be done right away” he walked off, walking over to the table “you been spending up huh?” shaking Lloyd’ hand “could say” shaking Mitch’ hand “your girl looks good and so do you, with your fine ass” I had to laugh, he is so stupid “oh what?” Ivy pointed, two guys came over to the table, one with the table and the other with the chairs, now that is what I want because I do get what I want.

French food is trash, I am sure I have already complained about this but I am again “how did you make it happen?” Sofia asked pointing at the table “I make things happen for you Sofia, you know that” I just wish we was alone again “thank you baby” rubbing my head sighing out “so when this is over we going somewhere else, some food place where it doesn’t let me down. I am bored of eating garbage” I am ready to leave already “I been saying this, we in the country known for pizza” Lloyd said ever so confidently, I shook my head “even I know that is Italy” Lloyd’ face dropped “look, I tried. I did try” laughing at his dumbass “I am going to the bathroom” Sofia said but all of the girls did at the same time “aight” Sofia gave me her bag “save it for me” nodding my head “you must get an instant boner with Sofia” Lloyd said at the side of me but his girl is right there “you being dead ass right now?” looking over at him “what you mean?” he looked over at me “your girl is right there, you either thinking things on my girl or you just being dumb about shit? You ain’t hear me say that about your girl right?” I won’t talk bad on it or say anything too rude but he shouldn’t even say that “I am just saying Cassius, I mean you must do. She is always been beautiful but damaged” is Lloyd being real right now “you asking me to knock you out bro, on god. I am so close, remain in your lane and if I catch you speaking or looking at Sofia in any way I will come at you” niggas pissing me off already.

It’s crazy because on god, I don’t spend. With Sofia I want to spend, this money is just there and I didn’t spend it because there was no reason too “so is it true then, you’re a millionaire?” Ivy asked, I honestly wish I didn’t sit next to these. Mitch and Mia was the better bet to be with “oh yeah Cassius, you was talking” I forgot I was saying so much shit “it doesn’t count, I was drunk” I said shifting in my seat, catching Sofia looking at me “I told you all he talks too much, he wishes he was a millionaire” Sofia said and then drank her wine, my burner phone started ringing at this moment, I mean they don’t know it’s my burner phone “what she said” I added answering my phone “go on” I said to Myles “your car gone, which car you want. We got the Porsche, Range Rover sport erm. What else Lamar?” Myles shouted “oh yeah we have an Audi but that shit is basic, Bentley too” licking my lips “Range Rover, drop it off when I’m back. And tell Lamar that he takes the basic shit” meaning the Audi, hopefully Myles gets that “oh yeah, of course but when you back we need to plan” nodding my head “sure, I’ll be back speak soon. I’ll text you the details and tell Kyle to relax, he about annoying my life with the constant worry” Kyle feels people are watching him “got you bye” disconnecting the call “family huh” I said smiling, they all nosey as shit “my brother is in LA, he thinks he’s a rich model getting a new car” I lied, they want to know “your brother Josiah is handsome actually” Olivia said, I be forgetting they know who they are, only Sofia knows who Kyle is.

Closing time is approaching and these niggas are here just drinking, I am just relaxing and doing what I do best, I watch. I think Ivy and I are the only ones to not drink, her is because of the baby but I want to go but then again Sofia looks too good to be just going already. Sipping my water, I am practically sat on my own, they all moved to sit close to talk but I am not about it. Dragging my eyes up as Sofia got up from her seat, I am forever watching Sofia’ moves. Placing my glass down looking at Lloyd, this nigga is the one to watch and like clockwork, he is watching Sofia again. I ain’t feeling this vibe from him, he is pissing me off. Lloyd also got up, Sofia is going to the bathroom and I guess so am I. walking around the the table, nobody notices me and I don’t know why. I think I just seem to be the nigga nobody cares about, Lloyd went into the men’s bathroom and so did I. Luckily it’s quiet here, I mean I am not going to beat him but you never know “how long have you known Sofia?” I asked, I don’t think he was expecting anyone here but I am “two or even three years” so he says “and you now decide to take interest?” I am confused “she has a new found confidence, she is oozing it. I mean she has always been beautiful but a little damaged. I can look, I ain’t touching” I sniggered “I am holding myself back to not beat your ass, you can’t look and that is the point. You don’t want to make me the enemy, what ever sexual desires you got, go and fuck Ivy and let it out” Lloyd washed his hands “look, I don’t care if you look at mine too, who cares” he is not getting, he went to dry his hands and walked by me but I couldn’t help myself at all and just proceeded to punch him which pushed him back, he looked at me in shock “she may not have had someone in the past to protect her from sexual predators like you but she does now. You are unhappy with Ivy, that ain’t got shit to do with me or Sofia got it. The punch will be nothing next time, dickhead” walking out of the bathroom.

Lloyd finally came out from the bathroom “oh my god, what happened to your face?” Ivy said, Sofia looked at me and I don’t know why she did but she did “I am too drunk, I fell” Lloyd lied, he has to lie because the truth will fuck him over “you look like you got punched though?” Mitch said, the very fist I punched him with is somewhat red so I moved my hand and with the look on Sofia’ face she knew, I ain’t about to lie to her that I did do it because she knows “no, it’s not that. I near knocked my ass out falling, Cassius left the bathroom and I was going too until I fell” look at this little liar we have here “anyways, I think it’s time for me to go. Come Sofia” standing up, digging into my pocket “this should cover the bill” placing a two hundred note on the table, Sofia is just staring at me but she better move her ass cause I do want sex also “stay Cassius” Mia said “Sofia, I will be outside” I am just pissed the fuck off, I won’t be telling Sofia what was said because I know that will make her sad but I annoyed about the whole shit that went on.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfiction

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eurydiceh · 7 years ago

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i watched h*athers at the other pal*ce last night and i have Thoughts

first off i actually,,,,,,,, don’t remember that much from off-bway 2014 h*athers cause i haven’t watched it in so long lmao but the most noticeable changes were from blue to a song called you’re welcome. mcnamara and duke are not on stage for that one, they get the car keys and leave veronica stranded w/ kurt & ram. the song is not much better off tbh. it’s even more uncomfortable but in a more predatory way i guess so it highlights how she’s....... literally about to be raped but there are still some jokes??? and it’s........ not the time to expect laughter like idk it personally made me very uncomfortable. and yEAH it’s supposed to make u uncomfortable ofc but then they’re throwing in jokes and it’s like friends we had this problem 4 years ago can we. not.

they added a song for he*ther d*ke which i was soooooo excited about!! look. i didn’t love the song. maybe if i listen to it more i’ll get into it but i feel like it was just this huge spectacle and kinda thrown in and also there’s this part where she rips the green costume off and reveals chandler’s red one. despite not loving the song, t’shan KILLED IT and i’m still not over her tbh lmao she was my fave part of the show last night i think. aLsO it added a biiiit more to the character since before she was mostly treated like a villain and now we see a girl who just Really wants to be liked and suffered substantial abuse from her “best friend” and now is just kind of....... free.

they kept d*ad g*y s*n which like. disappointed but not surprised.

the cast

c*rrie h*pe fl*tch*r as veronica - i’d listened to a couple of audios of her before and i wasn’t too happy that they’d removed veronica’s high notes but watching it live, it didn’t seem like a huge problem at all tbh. she was an amazing veronica and definitely has very powerful vocals but in my opinion she wasn’t particularly memorable tbh?? i just don’t feel like she was really able to make the character her own and a lot of it felt very derived from barrett but that’s just me.

j*mie m*sc*to as jd - i actually really liked his jd!! he had the look dOWN. he started out maybe a bit more cute-sy and hesitant (like, almost told veronica she had the wrong cup when she gave chandler the bleach & was almost kinda shocked like ‘oh shit i killed someone’) but grew veeeery dark and manic and manipulative and was revelling in moments like after d*ad g*y s*n and sh*ne a l*ght and was always like ‘ok who we gonna kill next!!!’ and was very creepy in general though the musical did prompt you to feel bad for people like him as well as kurt and ram which. it shouldn’t & i don’t bye!

- like quick lil note i understand veronica is in distress but i hate how she sings that they could’ve turned out good when they aLMOST RAPED HER like they didn’t deserve to die but come on!!

j*die st*ele as he*ther c - mixed feelings for this one tbh. i didn’t love her, i’ll start by saying that. her voice is definitely very powerful and very fit for the character, but i feel like she played everything as more comical than anything else and some of her meaner moments felt a bit forced. but she was absolutely hilarious in the me ins*de of me and all the other moments after she died lol. not my favorite but she wasn’t bad either. did have some more memorable little moments like her dance in me ins*de of me was gOLD.

t’sh*n will*ms as he*ther d - i!!! stan!!! i think she was my fave he*ther d tbh??? she’s a fucking powerhouse and she made the character pretty sympathetic, especially towards the end. looked genuinely concerned when she said v looked like hell. in the finale she just stands there kinda grumpy and doesn’t sing along but then veronica insists for like a solid ten seconds and she joins in, still not sure if she quite belongs, very hesitant, but with the cUTEST small lil smile and she gives martha this little wave i cRIED.

s*phie is*acs as he*ther mc - again, she was very good, but i didn’t find her particularly memorable. like, to me, lifeboat just kind of flew by and her almost suicide scene as well and i didn’t feel too much??? her voice is definitely very pretty and she’s a good actress but i think the performance fell a bit flat for me.

a few more lil notes!!

- costumes were fine but i gotta say i was not a fan of he*ther m’s skirt or jd’s trench coat

- the stage was very small but the set felt so big at the same time?? and the set was very pretty tbh i really liked it!!

- sh*ne a l*ght was hILARIOUS and r*becca l*ck was great and being vv interactive and pointing to the guy at the audience and being like ‘you brought your wife aND A KID????’ and the wife was living and the guy was dying

- i feel like some jokes didn’t work w/ the british audience as it happens lmao like when ms fl*ming was like ‘as my thesis from berkley says’ and there were like, two laughs, one from me. in brazil we usually translate these kinds of things but i get why they didn’t. makes me wonder how h*milton is working out here tbh lol.

- dominic & chris were on point as kurt & ram (def reminded me of all the dudebros i know) but i just feel a bit iffy about the whole kram thing and everyone...... you know........ forgetting they almost raped veronica.

- huuuuuuge props to the ensemble. it was very small but they nailed it and the ensemble numbers were just always filled with energy and a lot of fun!!

- also props to the cast’s american accents!! they did slip at times but they fooled the friends i’d taken with me who were all surprised to find out the cast was actually british.

- i hate paying for programmes. not a note for the show but one from me to this country. i know they fancier than playbills but we have similar ones in brazil and they’re free!! 4 pounds doesn’t seem like much. until you remember that’s twenty reais. TWENTY!!

- there wasn’t really a stage door, the actors showed up at the lobby, but there was a line that went all the way outside the theatre and i am now Old and no longer have the patience for these types of things so i just left.

- sooooooo many people went dressed up though so if you’re in doubt about whether or not you should i’d say go for it.

- overall it was a good show, definitely fun, didn’t really leave me in emotional shambles but maybe i’m just older & boring now. i’m glad they’re still trying things out and making changes because lemme tell you it needs some of those. but if you’re in london, i def recommend watching it if it’s your type of show (though i know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea), it was a fun experience (love me some h*athers themed drinks) and i don’t think you’ll regret it!

#i probably forgot a bunch of things because i have the memory of a goldfish but......... here goes

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explodingdisgust-blog · 7 years ago

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The Muran Hordes I

Following on from: https://plus.google.com/114999809330885155321/posts/cXHoqpEPMYy (archive[dot]fo[slash]PN6WJ)

@marshax-marshmallow

I’ve said this before, ill say this again. On my Tumblr, or nowhere. I will address your points there, since it’s a place i’m active on and the formatting is better for me to debate things.

Sorry, did you forget something? Your old 'this is the internet' excuse? As I've said before, I don't give a fuck about where it happens. And since you bill yourself as being so 'controversial' and partisan in the particular way that any reactionary does, you are a fucking weakling by your own standards. Don't tell me that I don't know about the pride that contrarian reactionaries have when invading new spaces of discussion and spaces of thought: it's happened to liberal talking points (even in academic circles: is Peter Singer not an example of someone who is dangerously close to biological reductionism, the kernel of racism?); it's happened to 4chan (/pol/ was filled with Swarmfront shills); it's happened to YouTube with the rise of the 'skeptics' who have accelerated rightwards. So okay, LET'S FUCKING SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. I’ll turn up in both places just so you don’t run away from what I’m saying.

Remember, though: you don't go to see reality; it comes out of nowhere and gives you a punch in the face - so don't cry about how you've got a nosebleed in this metaphorical sense. It is just like how I had completely forgotten that you were on G+. But here I am, dealing with you anyway.

People who are reading Birdie’s G+ most often aren’t here to read some rando’s papers on Marxism and Sexual freedom, and I bet Sophia doesn’t want these things spamming her notifications. My blog is where I express those kinds of things, some people read it, either out of hate or genuine interest. I agree that you want discussion and I want too, and thats why i’m saying we should take this somewhere its most likely to happen.

All you're telling me is that people don't want my walls but that says NOTHING about what they contain. Who's the fucking contrarian now, Marsha? Huh? Who's on the side of what you - and if you're right about them, all the others - want to repress? Again, so much for being so radical.

I know that this is not a dedicated thread in any sense besides the fact that I have set many of the topics but I don't care because I am here, right now, discussing this. If you really want discussion, you'll do it here with me right now. I can fuck off to Tumblr, yes, but you should know EXACTLY why I continue on G+.

You want to go into my pathologies? Fine, I'm one step ahead of you. I also do this right here because people are obviously going to see how ridiculous I seem. I mean, what the fuck? I'm posting small essays in several comment threads underneath posts which are associated with some pubescent lolcow's pathetic attempts at being funny, edgy and critical. Of course I'm going to seem like I'm a mug. THAT IS THE POINT. But you can't get rid of people like me and what I'm saying: I know that it will haunt all of you. I want you to go further and fill in what I haven't. You don't like my calls to discuss because you want 'fun' in your online bubble, but the very reasoning behind why something is 'fun' isn't a settled matter and I will confront you on that.

After all, even if I balloon into a major lolcow (if I'm not already one!), I know what might happen. Some of the users refer to some lolcows as 'cultcows' because they gain a cult-like following from their particular stalkers and trolls. You know being a cultcow can be turned to one's advantage with some major sacrifices, right? Like how Chris-Chan retains their fame? I have the pathology of a sort of 'sacrificial catalyst'; that is why I stay here. Not quite a martyr (so you won't see me getting the equivalent of '72 virgins' any time soon; I have much better things to do than submit to a disgusting cult and waste everything that I have), but far more willing to do something for what I believe in than cowardly little you. I have so many kinks to work out and numerous torturous self-imposed programmes to go through. I don't want any of your fucking guilt, but I can turn your own pathologies against you and watch you cry as I exceed your ability by your own standards. So go on, fucking outdo me. Have a great time. Make it a special occasion. ‘Controversial’ my arse.

So please, take your arguments there or stop talking to me, cause I won’t answer. Hell, you can even copy paste what you’ve said here so we can continue, but please. You dont even need to use your account afterwards.

You think I don’t know how this works? You’ll set your sex-obsessed friends on me and when you have no arguments left, you’ll spam the fuck out of me and then introduce me to all sorts of horrible people who’ll do their best to shut me down. I don’t even care any more to some extent. Prove me wrong, I dare you.

But of course, now that I’m here, you’re gonna have to actually tackle my earlier points. You don’t get to run away from those, either. And if you do get your friends involved, neither do they get to run.

Earlier posts from the G+ thread (first post first):

@marshax-marshmallow :

im glad you're finally standing for what you believe in, birdo everyone in this goddamn community thinks all dark humor makes terrible things look cool but it couldn't be farther from the truth, if you dont actually believe in what youre saying and treat everyone with respect, you're fine. also, if you have a rape fetish that's okay too, because as long as everything is in your head, you're not harming anyone. rape is a fetish because it's taboo, and if you think all rape fetishists think rape is okay in real life you are so terribly wrong. i cant express how proud i am of you

@explodingdisgust :

WELL, WELL, WELL. If it's not the contrarian little shit that I've been monitoring for the last few weeks. I've seen what you do and I've archived your precious Tumblr; do you think you can get away from your bullshit? Not when I'm around. "everyone in this goddamn community thinks all dark humor makes terrible things look cool but it couldn't be farther from the truth" Their sensitivities and lack of appreciation for the critical part of your contrarianism is not an excuse for the rest of your contrarianism to be upheld. You have made a serious position out of the 'opposite' of common Western-liberal-enlightenment values of 'decency'. I've seen your at-least-ironic racism in the first few pages of your Tumblr and I wonder whether you've changed at all. Of course, I remain quite pessimistic about that considering your 'innocent' and nonchalant response to RibChills telling you to stop sexualising her fursona. These fuckers throw the baby out with the disgusting bathwater whereas you cling onto both. I'll get to your excuses soon enough; don't think that I won't utterly demolish your entire worldview. "if you dont actually believe in what youre saying and treat everyone with respect, you're fine." Right, because respect is reducible to maintaining standards of decency while maintaining fetishes and horrific pathologies in one's own private space? And where did such ideas for such thoughts, pathologies and fetishes come from? You will tell me that it is 'human nature', that it is innate, but no biological structure (including the brain) can account for the limitless quantities and qualities of thoughts that we could possibly have. In fact, if you were to say that you were actually and inevitably controlled by brain chemicals or anything else that isn't you as a rational individual, then this idea of what you've said would be owed to such chemicals - but there is no proof that the brain structures or anything else that isn't at the level of reason itself can account for it and has simply been left hiding for all these thousands of years that human thought has been changing for. ANY FETISH IS ABOUT REASON ALONE, and the particular manifestation of this one is contrarianism - a love of what one is denied by those who follow and construct the most dominant values in societies. But because reason is intersubjective and comes from other subjects - after all, no ideas are innate, they are all communicated otherwise right now we would be able to understand the greats of philosophy in our toddler years - it cannot be something that's simply private. It can get into the 'private' domain and it can run out - ideology is reproduced memetically by us as rational subjects. Everything becomes framed in terms of rape or whatever fetishes become dominant. Rape becomes accepted and eventually it seems inevitable (just like capitalism) to the extent that it would be easier to imagine the end of the world than the end of that social phenomenon. But if people 'accept' the conditions of hypersexuality which come with the rape fetish, this is not necessarily a free choice because they are in the chains of what is socially-expected of them. Even though we are not conclusively-determined by our biology or by the laws of atomic physics, we ARE determined by movements in the social field which we too determine. The social field is inescapable and all-encompassing for rational beings (in our time, humans)! I advise you to read the works of Lacan and other psychoanalysts in matters like these. ALL of your empirical evidence about 'rape fetishists being decent people' or whatever's relevant that you want to prove only impresses those who uncritically accept the bourgeois-liberal idea of the split between the public and 'private' domains. Again, as I have shown, there is no such split. This is known to Marxists, who understand that we are not reducible to 'individuals and families' as Margaret Thatcher was an idiot to suggest. At the very least, a particular fetish is the dark reflection of the society in which one is brought up - and we are indeed brought up in a society where postmodern contrarians - neo-reactionaries and fascists of all stripes, 'progressive' or not - are in a frenzy of rebellion against ageing and self-destructive liberal values. Their solution is your solution: the uncritical acceptance of the simple negative of the old values. 'Sex is only a bit of fun, like you say, but we should embrace that instead of being all serious like you say!' And so it is with outright racism, sexism, all sorts of other things. You and the other cunts are the flies who buzz in the face of the old liberals - you are at war with yourselves over which of your identities can win out (e.g. Tumblr 'SJWs' and 'neo-Nazis' from 8chan would have serious disagreements over which groups' identities matter the most but they agree with the basic premises of a general segregationism; they feel that people are intrinsically hard-wired to behave in certain ways, for example). The paradox is that this is a very serious position for you. Yes, contrarianism is a conversion of an initial critical reaction to a given set standards into another standard position which is the simple negative of the old one. You put all your weight behind supporting 'what exists and should not exist' instead of changing the field entirely and being too contrarian for your own contrarianism. Liberals cede political ground to such identity politics because they are forced to defend free speech and uphold the domain of the 'private', which is part of the excuse that the new reactionaries use against them. But you are not reading the words of a liberal here, Marsha. I AM A PROUD AND PARTISAN MARXIST and I am not afraid to hold you or anyone else responsible for what you say as a rational subject. I seek to qualitatively-change standards, taking the best from everything in a similar way to Lacan's borrowing from other philosophers. I know that 'standing on the shoulders of giants' is what we need to do rather than 'forget everything and go full reverse gear'. This is infinitely more horrifying for you than the old conservative 'get it out of my face' mentality: I HAVE FOUND REASON TO BE BORED OF CONTRARIAN FETISHES, EVEN THE CRITICAL DIMENSION THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE. The upshot is that you are throwing VERY DANGEROUS IDEAS into childrens' minds, stripping the ideas of all critical content that they might have while branding whatever remains as hip, contrarian and critical. You want people to accept what they are trying to repress and embrace it as if it won't do anything. Sorry, Marsha. IT FUCKING WELL WILL, and you know it. Go and fuck right off from this place or be ready for another wall of text. You're not going to get away without someone shattering your excuses one-by-one. I guess it's just the internet, huh?

@marshax-marshmallow :

can you speak common english? I understood half of what you said because you feel the need to constantly bring up the Big Boy Political Labels instead of calling things for what they are, not to mention the 'holier than thou' language you parade. No, me defending free thought isn't "a spit in the face of the old western liberal contrarian ideals" or whatever and you being a PROUD, PRO LACAN AND PARTISAN MARXIST has nothing to do with any of this. Cut that bullshit, go straight to the point. And if you want people to engage in your debate, make it easy and precise for them to understand, especially since this is *Birdie's Google+* Do that, on my tumblr, and i'll try to debate with you. But I doubt you could do that without getting off your high horse

@marshax-marshmallow :

+RainbowDashie Artist Wikipedia doesn't bring up unrelated issues and neither does it use long and eloquent speech redundantly

@explodingdisgust :

So because people have NO FUCKING CLUE as to how to use dictionaries, literature and videos, I'm going to have to fucking explain everything all over again. Fucking shoot me, I do not like doing this but I consider myself ethically-bound to do so not only because I am a Marxist but because I have to try to give a bunch of kids a critical leg-up, as it were. But I will remain here to remind you that your arguments ARE DEAD and there are no two ways about it. "can you speak common english? I understood half of what you said" Right, because you can't even use one of those dictionaries that's been written by liberals let alone confront the vast tomes of thought that I am currently studying. And of course, you can't even be bothered to tell me what it is about my post that you don't understand - your only hint is that you're unfamiliar with the terminology. To everyone who isn't mentally-handicapped or a bourgeois ideologue - this is precisely the laziness of the neo-fascists! If you're serious about your position, why the fuck aren't you gonna make a much harder and more detailed defence of it? "because you feel the need to constantly bring up the Big Boy Political Labels instead of calling things for what they are," You'll be shocked to hear this but I am indeed "calling things for what they are". I am doing my best to step away from much of the horrific psychoanalytic and political terminology in my explanations of such terminology when I do include them in my work so that I'm not appearing to tailspin in the dense bodies of thought which I have confronted over the years. For example, do you not know what I mean when I make the distinction between the 'public and private domains' given the ubiquity of this sort of liberal concept? It should be very clear that the 'private domain' is simply the social world of humans (or more generally, of rational beings - a category whose only known members are humans) at the level of individuals. Come on, did you understand my use of the Margaret Thatcher quote - her erroneous judgement that society is simply 'individuals and families'? Is that 'Big Boy' enough for you, huh? What about the 'simple negation' of Western-liberal-Enlightenment values - or more simply put, of 'conservative' values? I mean 'simple negation' here in a sense that anyone who's understood Hegel, Marx and Engels in even the slightest fashion can understand it: it is simply a particular 'not' of the prevailing values around a preconceived axis - that instead of rape fetishism being a taboo, 'it's fine and doesn't even harm anyone'; that instead of ironic racism being unspeakable, 'it's nothing like that; it's absolutely fine and it's just a joke'; that instead of repressing and trying to minimise sexuality and confining it to the private space of desire, 'it's completely fine to be hypersexual and it's fucking fun too'. It is not a complete change of values, taking the best from both the proposed worldviews and discarding parts of them where they are 'both worse' and constitute a 'double blackmail'. Your particular 'simple negation' accepts much of liberal philosophy and comes to reactionary, fascistic conclusions: the hypersexual and supposedly-hedonistic libertinism (look that up) of the private domain is to be brought into public view and then celebrated as something inevitable and fun, even among children. To go a bit Zizekian: the opponents that you recognise, the conservative defenders of 'decency', have taken the blue pill because for them 'none of this overtly-sexual rubbish should happen' and it represents the degeneration of Western values; you have taken the red pill, seeing 'reality' for what it is and celebrating it. The bluepilled and redpilled consider themselves to be opposites of one another. Marxists, meanwhile, do not recognise even many liberal conclusions which both the blue and red pills depend on: we construct and take a third pill even if it's just from bits and pieces of the red pill and the blue pill - it's something more than simply the two combined. For Marxists, the private-public distinction is very weak because the very stuff of reason that 'private individuals use' is shared between people - after all, how was much of it given to them? Were they born with it? If so, where is your empirical evidence about this and how does it prove that it can be owed to something that they were born with? If I'm wrong here, toddlers would say that they understand neurobiology or quantum physics without any intervention from us! Show me a study which says that they can do that. My claim otherwise is contrapositive (in a formal-logical sense and not a dialectical one); it is based on the lack of evidence for the opposite claim. See how far I'm willing to go to drive my points home to someone who essentially claims is that I am like an arrogant priest who is speaking to the hopeless and stupid laity? Frankly, if you don't understand my points, it is because you don't fucking want to understand them and you are consciously going out of your way to not investigate. You are also involved in this excuse of a discussion whether you like it or not.

"not to mention the 'holier than thou' language you parade." Fucking hell. You are serious when you say this? We are in dark times. MOTHERFUCKER, ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING IF THEY CONFRONT THE WORKS THAT I HAVE DRAGGED MYSELF THROUGH; I AM NO FUCKING PRIEST. I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO SOME SACRED TEXT THAT ONLY I HAVE THE SPECIAL ABILITIES TO DECIPHER. Because I have done what I can think of to explain myself, the onus is on you and the other boring contrarian ARSEHOLES to get the fuck over to the literature of the traditions that I identify with and use in order to understand 'the other half' of what I'm saying. If I knew that you would never be able to approximate what I'm saying, why would I bother to explain myself instead of condescendingly passing by and sneering at you for subscribing to an 'inferior' worldview? In fact, why would I even be here at all? And no, before you fucking pipe up about how I want to 'indoctrinate children' and throw other stupid accusations in front of me, I do not want you or anyone else to take what I'm saying as scripture. I want you to critique and extend what I'm saying; I want to construct a dialectic here. I am willing to spend hours of time flooding you with oceans of text not because I wish to wave my pride before you but because I want to discuss things and explain what I'm saying. I want people - including children - to be empowered using philosophy, science and all the other kinds of knowledge and standards of reason. "No, me defending free thought isn't "a spit in the face of the old western liberal contrarian ideals" or whatever and you being a PROUD, PRO LACAN AND PARTISAN MARXIST has nothing to do with any of this." WRONG. The traditions of Marx and Lacan do concern themselves with matters such as sexuality, ideology, 'free thought', small-scale politics and all of that. If sexuality, for example, was not a concern of Marxism, then there would be little or no discussion of it among Marxists. So why would Engels, not only a Marxist but one of the founders of Marxism, write THIS? marxists.org - Origins of the Family. Chapter 2 (IV) And why would Freud, a psychoanalyst who had much to say about sexuality, have his work incorporated into political theory many times over by the Frankfurt school of Marxism if Marxist politics have nothing to do with sex? And in Lacan's case, what about his 'equations of sexuality'? Go on, go to Google, Bing, DDG or whatever search engine you want and type in 'lacan equations of sexuality'. Even besides that, you are telling me that none of what I'm saying matters, but what I am discussing entirely relates to how best it is to consider sexuality. It is not separate from politics at all - the sexual IS political, it IS a performance, it's not simply a matter of 'up-and-down movements'. Why would we question why we fuck at all? Why would we even do it in the first place if it's just a load of movements? You can try to argue that it's a matter of biology, but one can ask: 'why should we humans reproduce? Why should society be about biological reproduction?' So no, SEX IS NOT OUTSIDE POLITICS, and it is thus the concern of Marxist politics and of political philosophy in general. In fact, the great irony about your sentence here is that it is a political statement even as far as discussing sexuality is concerned. I mean, seriously? Are your understandings of philosophy and politics THAT bad? Then again, I know that you are nothing short of a troll if your insistence on repeating your boring humour (e.g. ironic racism) and your recent Discord 'raids' are anything to go by - so you have a vested interest in not sitting down, shutting the fuck up and understanding my words. Never mind that the greatest troll is to seriously engage with my arguments and leave me with the much bigger task of having to find more material. Of course, what are you actually trying to say here? You are no 'free-thinker'. Instead, you are another boring contrarian who viciously upholds the seemingly-permissive, seemingly-inclusive 'simple negative' of prevailing ideas of decency! That is as far as you will go in being critical of the current state of the world. 'Accept your sins!' you scream. 'They are inevitable and natural! Why do anything to stop them? It's the internet, for fuck's sake!' Meanwhile, here is a Marxist asking for something much more radical - and it is going to horrify you to no end. MAKE SEX BORING AGAIN. I am no enemy of the freedom-chasing power of contrarianism; I encourage its use. But contrarianism is not free enough; it is still in the chains of thinking that it's the only possible opposition to the current ruling order. So in a way, it is not me that's holier-than-thou, IT IS YOUR CONTRARIANISM ITSELF, because it fails to unlock a new critical dimension and sneers before any attempts to go further than its own particular opposition to the status quo. But it also concerns Marxism in another way because it concerns (Marxian) Communism, the unique proletarian movement which seeks the end of class divisions and the end of capitalism. You want us to accept the logic of the private space, the fantasies of domination and mindless experimentation. Do you know what this is, Marsha? IT IS THE LOGIC OF THE BOURGEOIS CLASS. Nothing is off limits for the rulers of the world besides Communism. If they want to fuck a child, for example, they can bloody well go ahead and do it without being questioned. This is outrageous! We are allowing these people to do whatever the fuck they want regardless of the very real consequences including the social blackmails and lack of real choices that people are faced with despite legally being able to do many more things? Yes, Marsha, if something is recognised as being 'legal' by a government, it does not make it right. And even if a choice is 'guaranteed' by a given legal system, it is not necessarily put in place. If people are allowed to have rocket launchers and while one person can buy a rocket launcher and another who is otherwise the same as the first person can only afford a slingshot, who is more likely to destroy the other in a fight with their weapons? The politics of freedom is the politics of tearing apart the divison of the 'private' and public domains so that we no longer fuck around and do things without criticism. But in fact, this also frees the once-bourgeois in a sense because they can move on to do better and more effective things as dictated by reason, which does not represent the will of a particular person but all people including themselves. The bourgeois defence of what they believe to be this closed-off private space is nothing more than a defence of stupidity which is supposed to be 'kept away from the masses' but never truly is.

"Cut that bullshit, go straight to the point."

Sorry, Marsha. In trying to explain my points to you, I AM OBLIGED TO TYPE OUT THESE GIANT RESPONSES in case you misunderstand what I'm claiming if you

decide to engage with the arguments that I bring against you. There is so much to go through that you are going to have to sit down - perhaps for years - and read the works of those who are in the same traditions as I am. Worse still, you will have to read the works of others outside such traditions to compare and critique the various ideas which they discuss. Nothing is truly simple in the world whether you like it or not. Unfortunately, we live in times of clickbait, woefully-short attention spans and a lack of self-discipline (this is true even of myself!). You are going to confront your laziness even if you want to argue your own case in an effective way.

"And if you want people to engage in your debate, make it easy and precise for them to understand, especially since this is

Birdie's Google+

And what the fuck do you think I've been trying to do? Again, why would I even bother turning up? Get this: I know that I don't seem credible in the eyes of the hundreds of children who read her posts and I don't necessarily give a fuck - so if you accuse me of doing this to wave my fucking pride in front of you, you're dead wrong.

You can try to give me an Encyclopedia Dramatica - style diagnosis about 'the

real

reasons why I'm here' but anyone can say what I'm saying regardless of their psychology. I could've come here with a great big beaming smile on my face. I could adopt the same contrarian snark that you have. That you are confronted with an angry, grave and seemingly-parental scumbag is

irrelevant

because it subtracts nothing from the vast majority of what I'm saying. Motherfucker, do you know what an 'ad-hominem' fallacy is? Attacking a person rather than an argument which anyone can make does not attack that argument. If I said 'you're Brazillian and you come from a degenerate nation, your opinion doesn't matter', I would be making a stupid claim because I wouldn't have actually said why what you're saying is wrong - at most, I would've said something about the real social forces which led you to adopt this reasoning. So don't come to me with any ad-hominems of your own without engaging with my points themselves because it's not going to fucking work - even for your pride, especially now that you've tried to position yourself as a defender of freedom with all the dignity that comes with it.

"Do that, on my tumblr, and i'll try to debate with you."

First, I do not have access to a Tumblr page or account and I do not want to create one. Second, why NOT discuss shit here? Come on, what gets added to my arguments if I bugger off to Tumblr? Besides that, I am here because I would like to make a great big example out of you. You are 'sinfulmarsh', are you not? A crusader for 'free thought' and open 'acceptance' of (hyper-)sexuality, yes? Lover of all that's taboo, uncomfortable and other shit like that?

Well, fuck you. I am proud to turn up on some 'random' corner of the internet (which, in reality, is NOT 'random' at all but one that I've consciously-selected) and fire walls of text in your direction. If you don't like that, remember that 'it's the internet' and anything can happen; *

BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS OF REASONING

**, YOU SHOULDN'T BE MOANING SO MUCH. So much for being a contrarian, eh, Marsha? Where's your fucking 'free thought'?*

"But I doubt you could do that without getting off your high horse"

Your accusation is laced with with irony considering how your anti-intellectualism is itself an arrogant denial of my words having any worth whatsoever. You don't even bother to ask me any questions relating to the arguments themselves; do you think I won't spot that? FUCK YOU, Marsha. I am at least one step ahead of you because I know what it's like to be a contrarian; I've passed through this phase and I've become even 'worse' since. I know the tricks and the blind spot of your contrarianism; at its most general, it is the same as my own, and I am quite far beyond it as someone who seeks that 'third pill'. In fact, I am far more contrarian precisely because I seek to change values and standards. I have learned to weaponise my contrarianism! That is what is so unsettling for you about Marxists: we are you and more; we can emulate your modes of thought. We seek to take the best out of everything and turn it into something more.

---

@explodingdisgust :

Ah, look at this! Is 'eloquent' not a Big Boy word? Look at this motherfucker betray her own rhetorical standards. No shame, huh? And so the snake eats its own tail; the beginning of Marsha's dissonance is here. Meanwhile, for those of us who aren't busy trying to uphold degeneracy and soft forms of servitude:

https://www.revleft.space/vb/threads/195805-SL-cultism-exposed!!?s=d2444b96573a3897b1e106ae6f9bf772&p=2873207#post2873207

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3bBreSgaik

---

@explodingdisgust :

And before anyone says that I've misunderstood them, remember that you don't get to choose how your statements are interpreted unless you craft your words very carefully. If I missed something, point it out. If not, explain yourself or get lost.

---

@marshax-marshmallow

I’ve said this before, ill say this again. On my Tumblr, or nowhere. I will address your points there, since it’s a place i’m active on and the formatting is better for me to debate things. People who are reading Birdie’s G+ most often aren’t here to read some rando’s papers on Marxism and Sexual freedom, and I bet Sophia doesn’t want these things spamming her notifications. My blog is where I express those kinds of things, some people read it, either out of hate or genuine interest. I agree that you want discussion and I want too, and thats why i’m saying we should take this somewhere its most likely to happen. So please, take your arguments there or stop talking to me, cause I won’t answer. Hell, you can even copy paste what you’ve said here so we can continue, but please. You dont even need to use your account afterwards.

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pale-silver-comb · 7 years ago

Note

I MUST KNOW. You're a Sterek enthusiast. So here's a challenge: pick Derek OR Stiles (not both!) for each question. Who do you think gives the best hugs? Likes to lay their head on the other's lap like a pillow? Surprises the other with shower sex? Has road rage? Is bad at singing but loves to sing anyway? And finally. If you had to choose one of them to be YOUR husband (and again, both isn't an answer) who would it be?

*rubs hands together*

Who do you think gives the best hugs?

I think, personally, Stiles might give the best hugs. He’s a tactile guy and (even though he gets it wrong sometimes) reads people very well. I think when it comes to hugs Stiles would have different hugs for different people, you know? He’d know what kind of hug they needed. He gets restless easily but he’ll sit and hug you for a long ass time if you’re his friend and he thinks you need it. It’s one of my headcanons this is how he and Derek start getting closer.

Derek is touch starved. Alright? And I love the idea that Stiles makes it his personal mission (now he knows Derek is cool being touched by him) to reassure him in the ‘you are good, you know’ department. It probably starts off as an experiment that includes a bunch of plans A through Z and red string but soon enough, as these things always do, turns into a case of, “so….about that cuddling session I casually suggested last week…do you want to do it sometime….like….not so casually….maybe now?…because I brought, like, my best blankets, dude.”

I think Stiles is just what Derek would need as a cuddler; someone who isn’t so easily scared off when Derek tries to push them away (even though it’s the last thing he wants); someone who will actively complain about equal opportunity spooning rights, making Derek feel happy and relaxed about being the little spoon (something he’s never felt brave enough to ask for before, mostly because Kate mocked him for it); someone who understands what it’s like to wake up from the worst kind of nightmare and not want to be coddled over for it because somewhere, not even deep now, he still feels like he should be punished. Stiles only holds him tighter, a reminder he’s still there, and starts rambling about some Wikipedia article he read earlier until Derek falls back to sleep, feeling safe and loved.

Likes to lay their head on the other’s lap like a pillow?

As a werewolf, I think Derek would have been used to casual acts like that when he was younger. Maybe his mom or Laura used to brush their hair through his hair when he was younger. After the fire, Laura maybe still did it, even though Derek felt like he didn’t deserve it. When Cora comes to stay, perhaps he tries to do it for her too, trying his best to fill his mom and Laura’s shoes. It’s painful for both of them.

Stiles, I think, likes to fall asleep on Derek’s back a lot (or possibly his ass because “so cushion-y”) but Derek, once he starts seeing Stiles more and more, not just as pack but as something else, cautiously tries out laying his head across Stiles’ lap. Of course, Stiles gets with the programme right away, instantly running his fingers through Derek’s hair. It’s not quite like how his mom and Laura used to do it but then again, it’s not meant to be, is it? This is Stiles. Infuriating, runs-his-mouth-way-too-much, so-gorgeous-it-takes-Derek’s-breath-away, Stiles. Why would it be anything like Derek expected it to be when falling in love with Stiles was the last thing he ever expected to do, either?

I think Derek laying his head down on Stiles’ lap would become as natural as eating or bathing; it gives Derek something he can’t get from anywhere else - anyone else - and what’s so great about it is Stiles is the one who seems to get the most pleasure out of that. Derek needing him. Derek seeking him out when he’s tired or anxious or hurt. Stiles knows the day he ever tires of it, he’s already dead.

Surprises the other with shower sex?

Stiles. Do I even need to go further into this?

Stiles.

For their first Valentines Day after moving in together, Stiles probably gave Derek a “shower fun times” box, complete with lube and one of those dildos you can stick to the bathroom tiles. Stiles tried installing the box in the shower (but in the process slipped on one of the penis shaped soap bars he bought and gave himself a black eye). Now the box lives beside the shower, which, well, is good enough.

Has road rage?

I want to say Derek for this one but I think Stiles would be more likely to get road rage. Just, not over the kind of stuff you would typically think someone would get road rage over:

“Stiles, calm down.”

“They have a bumper sticker, Derek!! A bumper sticker CONDEMNING CURLY FRIES. WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON WOULD ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO HATE ON CURLY FRIES??? ESPECIALLY WHERE ANYONE CAN SEE!! WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE BUT BRING DELICIOUS HAPPINESS TO ALL???

“Jesus, Stiles. It’s fucking potato..”

“……….sometimes, I can’t believe I’m the one who asked you to spend the rest of our lives together, you know?”

Is bad at singing but loves to sing anyway?

Stiles. As many headcanons about this I am sure both myself and countless others could come up about Derek for this one, I can’t help but picture Stiles belting out song after song (very badly) in the shower, doing the dishes, on nights out (encouraged by Erica, much to the dismay of the entire pack). Sometimes, he even hums during shower sex, claiming it’s all “part of the Stilisnki shower experience”. Derek often complains (mostly, though, because Stiles chooses the worst songs to hum when he’s going down on Derek; Derek will never be able to listen to Jingle Bells innocently ever again).

And finally. If you had to choose one of them to be YOUR husband (and again, both isn’t an answer) who would it be?

Nope. Neither. If I am with one of them in this universe, that means one less universe where they aren’t together?????? and that just isn’t acceptable????? they have to be together in all the universes??????

Can I marry Kira or Allison instead? Can I marry BOTH of them??????? I’ll be so good to them, I promise!!!

#sterek #talk sterek to me #nonnie

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purusintellectus · 7 years ago

Text

What’s in a Name? – “Armitage”

As promised, here's my "Armitage" ramble. I know I am so late to the party that it's not even fashionable anymore, but better late than never, no?

Some TLJ spoilers ahead.

Short (sort of personal) premise. While I didn't mind Hux in TFA, my fascination with this character began with the TFA novelisation – there, he is intelligent, competent and sensible – and it only grew stronger and deeper with his other appearances throughout the canon novels. I started reading about Fandom!Hux and Kylux much, much later; therefore – long story short – when Aftermath: Life Debt came out, I didn't have any particular commitment to the "Brendol II" theory and I was immediately on board with "Armitage". I am aware that many other fans had an entirely different experience and that the "Armitage" reveal was disappointing for them; they have my sympathy and my understanding – were my circumstances different, who knows where I would stand now.

Yet, I happen to like "Armitage" quite a lot, for the following reason: notoriously, Star Wars' names are descriptive names – i.e. they are somewhat connotative and immediately bring to mind what the character is all about – and "Armitage" is both as descriptive as a three hours documentary and still ambiguous.

At least to my deranged mind, "Armitage" suggests three main ideas: (1) "Army"; (2) "Hermitage"; (3) "Amrita".

(1) Army

Is this on the nose? Undoubtedly. But we are talking about a franchise in which: Skywalkers were supposed to be called "Starkillers" (yes, the naming of Starkiller Base is an homage to that first concept); the Dark Side is called the Dark Side, just in case you were tempted to embrace any morally ambiguous reading about Force users' factions; and people call "Death Star" their super-weapons of planetary destruction – ok, imperial PR person who okayed that name, you did a great job: that doesn't sound ominous, scary and just plainly evil at all... Overall, names in Star Wars are not exactly subtle.

On the one hand, Armitage has been raised to be an officer – in a way, he is the ultimate experiment in Brendol's training programme. On the other hand, he is the de facto leader of the FO's military forces. The TLJ Visual Dictionary has confirmed what was already evident, i.e. that for all intents and purposes General Hux should be Grand Marshal Hux, but Snoke refuses to give him his rightful title. Besides, as I have been writing elsewhere (here and here), the fact that the FO's army answers primarily to Hux is likely going to be the basis for a new interesting dynamic between Hux and Kylo – not to mention that it's probably the main reason Hux's still alive... Nomen omen.

(2) "Hermitage"

While Armitage Hux is a masterpiece (definitely in more than one sense), I am not referring to the St Petersburg museum, but to the main acceptation of the term, i.e. the dwelling of a hermit or an remote and isolated place, or a retreat. What does this reading tell us about General Hux?

(2.1) First, Armitage Hux grew up in exile and on the run, in the Unknown Regions, on ships in remote sectors of uncharted space far away from the rest of the Galaxy and what used to be home.

(2.2) Furthermore, Armitage Hux is somewhat removed from his fellow human beings, beginning with his family (it's canon that Brendol hates him). In other words, Hux – just like Kylo, just like Rey, just like Finn – is incredibly alone. (Basically, this new trilogy is about very lonely people with lots of issues). Hux is a General above the generals, he is only equal being – until very recently – Kylo Ren. While Phasma has been an ally in recent years, she doesn't seem to have been a friend, not really. As far as we know, the only meaningful relationship that Hux seems to have in canon is with Rae Sloane, the mother and protector he had never had before her – and as far as we know, whatever happened there still stings (see the infamous "robe conversation" between Cardinal and Armitage in the Phasma novel ). Hux seems to want attention, love or at least appreciation – from his father, from Snoke, from Kylo, from the entire bloody Galaxy if that could help – but he never seems to fit in, not really.

(2.3) Or, for the sake of completeness, Armitage Hux could end up being a retreat (other meaning of "hermitage"), the secret refuge, for someone else. (Go ahead, shippers! Have fun!)

(3) "Amrita"

The following section is more speculative than the previous two. And it is mostly for those of you who enjoy the idea of Hux being somehow connected to Palpatine. While I am not a devoted supporter of Palpatine!Hux theories, I like to toy with the idea for the sake of argument – and this is an argument surprisingly easy to support: half jokingly, I have done so here and I am definitely going to post more on the subject.

On top of Armitage's operatic conception ("a kitchen lady" sounds incredibly unlikely and melodramatic), of Brendol's hate for his son (why?), and of the fact that Brendol was running Project Harvester (training Force sensitive children) on Arkanis (dedicated post coming soon), you can add Armitage's name to the repertoire of reasons you might have to cheer for Palpatine!Hux.

Naboo names tend to be Sanskrit based: Padmé Amidala, Sheev (!), etc.

Amrita ( अमृत) is the Sanskrit word for ambrosia, the nectar of immortality, and hence for immortality itself. The metathesis of position, in this instance between "m" and "r" (Amrita >> Armita[ge]..), is one of the most common phonetic phenomena in Indo-European languages.

If you want to believe that General Hux is somehow connected to the old Emperor (a clone, a relative, etc.) and he is destined to rule over the Galaxy even by Palpatine's plan... well, he has the right name for that.

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deconstructionofworkforpayot · 4 years ago

Text

My positionality: Why should my child unlearn the same things I did?

Is it ignorant or fear of change that every generation has to fall trap into the same oppressing system? from our great grandmothers, who we identify as heroes of the society, our mothers, the cornerstones? Are we really going to be that generation that carries the silence of oppression passing it on to our children? Fortunately, I became a mum at what I call an ‘awakening age’ and aspired to be a different mum since then. I’m not saying other mums out there are not enough or that my mum is bad, but I have seen so many unlearned practices from her life.

Growing up in a ‘broken family’ without a father and having uncles play the father figure role had me yearning to covet the rights women have neglected for years and derange the patriarchal system. I mean, I identified my mother as mum and dad, although I hate calling her dad. Yes, she took on both roles, trying so much to not have me feel the gap of his absence. Trust me, I don’t hate my dad and never did, even when he was still alive. I hate the choices he made of neglecting me, not that I want to pin his actions with unjust things happening in my life, but somehow his behavioural choices were distorted. Growing up with my mum had me realize that I had to do better than the woman dad left in my mum who could not fully be my role model. I identify myself not as a strong woman but as resilient. One who has been down several times and still woke up.

I’ve seen how my male cousins were treated better than anyone else, how they would be part of family gatherings and have a say while we were only involved for refreshments. I don’t hate my upbringing, maybe had I had a different one, I wouldn’t have learnt. But who am I kidding? This patriarchal system doesn’t only affect us within our families; it’s a societal norm. Crazy right? But we can’t shy from the reality that this social system is used by males to control females (Yifei, 2011). I grew up angry at how I had no voice, how everything was dictated to me, how the behavioural choices imposed on me by society were to their benefits and not what I want but, in the name of teaching and grooming me to become a submissive wife.

It’s sad how I have witnessed this in my community, where these ‘happily’ married women were victims of gender-based violence and had no one to run to. It's frustrating how some of these women in marriages taught submission raised children who were victims of domestic violence and how everybody else knew, but none took a step to intervene. This has led me to not give childish advice to my clients in terms of marriage and relationships. It has redefined how I relate to people regarding their religion, gender identity, spirituality, etc.

Funny how as we grow, we’re encouraged to not think of anything else besides marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I respect such a communion, especially when it's consensual. But what angers me is how we cannot choose who we want to marry, how, and when. We actually not even asked if we want to get married. But does it matter? We’re merely a land that should be fertile to these undeserving males we call men in our societies. What kind of men would do such to a woman? What kind of mothers would allow this to their daughters?

The yoke we carry of thinking about your family names whenever we have to do something, I’m not saying drag your family on the mud. But why must it always be women who should take that responsibility? When I fell pregnant, I was such an outcast. Mind you this is my body. Funny how I had no feelings, their main concern was how what I’ve ‘done’ ruined the family’s reputation. I felt like such a possession. Or am I? you know when everyone can say something about you?

I had gone against religious ethics, and dogma. I had become such a sinner that deserved to be in hell, well no one saw me as a woman, not even as a person. I remember how I was oppressed for actions I could not undo. For a child I could not abort. For a child I loved at the very moment I realized I have conceived.

Google (2021) this image shows how accepting to say nothing is actually a choice favoring the opposition.

Hence, I learned how much I could not have my child go through the same treatment. I fought to break the silence and to take a stand for myself and wellbeing. I had to find my identity, in a place that seemed like a war zone I was tired of being deprived of my thinking, and entitlement to my behavioural choices and decisions.

Social constructs that made other women so proud of being numb, satisfied with mediocre, revoked feelings of strength and preparedness for war in me. I had to fight for the many women coming after me, before me, my mother, my daughter but mostly myself. I had to fight and still fighting the logic of being okay with not questioning, being okay with acceptance in the name of ethnicity, language, geographical location, family status, religion, race, gender and even culture. I’m still fighting the idea of how in a romantic heterosexual relationship the man has to be taller than the girl, darker than the female, be more educated and earn more money than the female. I’m still fighting the “okayness” with polygamy but stereotypes with polyandry. The okayness with men having many sexual partners and the labelling over women who do the same. The okayness of men using the services of sex workers and how sex workers are immoral. I’m fighting the okayness of a brother sleeping for 10+ hours and sisters waking up at dawn, preparing food for the entire family menders.

Positionality is a term used to explain how a person sees life, sees the world and position themselves in a situation, political and or social context (Darwin Holmes, 2020). Although ones understanding of life is everchanging, it is also important to recognize and understand how the change affects people around us.

Google (2021) the emphasis is on acknowledging that as people we learn and change, hence ones positionality is dynamic.

My positionality has been impacted upon by personal experiences with regards to gender, from the idea of what gender is, and how as soon as a child is born there is confinement of who and how they should behave and think. Such experiences have taught me to see a person as a person without labels, so what if treat a transgender? So, what if I treat a sex worker? Why should my ideas control my therapy? Its of very importance that I look at the person holistically and consider their positionality’s in everything. At the end of the day, I should be concerned with how the client’s occupations have been affected and what can be done to assist not analysing the persons preferences, gender identity, and behaviour. Assuming a person’s positionality is so important because it allows me as a therapist to get the clients holistic overview of self and life.

Google (2021) these are the factors affecting ones positionality.

Hence at Kenville community, we look beyond the client’s family status and treat everyone as equals. Be it a doctor, one of our own OTs and a child from a disadvantaged family. We understand that quality of life is impacted by health, environment, race, gender, and social status. We have also looked at programmes we can use to educate our community through the maternal health programme. Which has included individuals who are from South Africa with an attempt to alert our communities that outside of skin colour lives people. Its actually not important which gender you assign with, which race you identify yourself as. We are people. We are women.

I have this great urge to have my daughter, sisters not having to unlearn social injustices. how about you?

Reference

References

1. Darwin Holmes, A. (2020). Researcher Positionality - A Consideration of Its Influence and Place in Qualitative Research - A New Researcher Guide. Shanlax International Journal Of Education, 8(4), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.34293/education.v8i4.3232

2. https://www.dictionary.com/e/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/positionality-300x156.jpg

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