#i am pretending this is a sequel to the nice guys (2016)

[leesh]

because i have zero self control when it comes to christmas films and, well, cheesy christmas films are #life. 

basically, i have developed a collection of favourites over the years, including both classic christmas films that are fun for the whole family and terrible, dripping with all our favourite favourite cliches hallmark christmas films, and yet i am still always on the hunt for more. so, i thought i would try a little thing to share them with everyone else as well (and actually remember them for future reference)!

check out the tag here i will try and remember to use as i live blog some of these movies or head on down below the cut to see all of the christmas films i’ve watched in 2020. thoughts and star ratings included! as expected, i will also be updating this as i watch more and more this holiday season (follow along on twitter too if you want).

note: since i LOVE terrible hallmark films, some that i give a higher rating will not actually be......critically acclaimed. i am just #obsessed and have my reasons as stated, i’m sure.

holidate (2020) 

⭐️⭐️| first time watch | someone on letterboxd compared this movie to when you watch a rom com in sims and it’s just a bunch of random scenes that make no sense and they’re absolutely right. its only saviour is an australian dude and the line “so you know me well enough to cum in my mouth, but you don’t know me well enough to get me a christmas present?”

my christmas inn (2018) 

⭐️⭐️| first time watch | i’ll be honest, this film was pretty forgetful. i watched it over a month ago and don’t really remember what happened. however, i do remember being impressed that the leading lady wasn’t a stereotypical thin white woman. so i guess at least it has that going for it.

christmas made to order (2018) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| first time watch | i actually thought this was pretty cute. it’s not the best, but also not the worst, so a decent medium if you need to fill up those figurative christmas stockings. the concept of hiring someone to decorate your entire house with no budget sounds pretty cool, but when the guy is aaron samuels and looks far from straight, it becomes a little questionable. 

last christmas (2019) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | now this is not a cheesy hallmark film. in fact, i LOVE this film a lot and think i saw it twice at the cinema. last christmas is a top tier christmas song and i remember theorising about it when the trailer first came out, but i will say tissues may be a requirement to watch this. AND henry golding is my husband thank u and goodbye.

operation christmas drop (2020) 

⭐️| first time watch | interesting concept in theory, but this is nothing more than US military propaganda and a cgi lizard. bonus: white saviourism. 

the knight before christmas (2019) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | a medieval knight transported into today’s world and has never seen a car before can drive better than me. that’s it. that’s the movie. also, he literally says the words “modern technology is lit af” at one point. solid christmas film if you ask me. 

the princess switch (2018) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| rewatch | i strongly believe in the vhcncu (vanessa hudgens christmas netflix cinematic universe). i also have so many questions, like how did they afford the flights or solid conversation or was it all expenses paid? how did they finish a bulk of the cake without a mixer? why does everyone always speak english with a posh english accent even though it’s a non-english european country?

the princess switch: switched again (2020) 

⭐️⭐️| if we learnt anything from a christmas prince, it’s that sequels are generally never better than their predecessor. that being said, this was much less cute body swapping christmas fluff and a little more literal kidnapping and saving the day. either way, blonde vanessa was hot and i appreciated the amber/richard cameo that insinuates a christmas prince is actually a dramatic documentary.

midnight at the magnolia (2020) 

⭐️⭐️| now if you’re after an absolute cheesefest that ticks the boxes on best friends meets fake dating over the holidays, then this is the movie for you! albeit it takes place between christmas and new year’s, it’s still filled with their families knowing they were soulmates the whole time and two people who are a literal too comfortable on the radio. also, the dad’s totally should’ve been gay. they had more chemistry.

christmas wonderland (2018) 

⭐️⭐️⭐️| tbh, i genuinely enjoyed this one. post breakup/high school sweethearts is a personal favourite trope of mine, so throw christmas & being forced to spend time together when she goes back home into the mix and i’ll have a serotonin explosion. bonus points for the guy telling the girl to go back to nyc to follow her dreams without being a dick. OH and the scene when he points a fuck load of sugar in his hot beverage.

a wish for christmas (2016) 

⭐️⭐️| who doesn’t love a good office romance between a boss and an employee at christmastime? especially when you throw in a little christmas magic that makes her more confident that results in her finally getting what she deserves and having to travel and rekindle with his family? also, fuck them rich white dudes, but props to her for the significant job promotion.

christmas with a prince (2018) 

⭐️| this was TERRIBLE and not in the good way. it featured: an entitled prince who suddenly had growth even though he did nothing to achieve it, majority of the film set in one hospital room, and the fact that she’s the only one with a tiara at the party filled with people who actually have titles. also, thought there was a decent ending but turns out there was still another 30 mins to go. ugh.

a royal christmas engagement (2020) 

⭐️| don’t be fooled by the title. the engagement doesn’t happen til the last two minutes. it’s actually about a prince (bet you didn’t see that one coming) who travels to america, pretending to be his best friend who works for this major marketing firm because he’s tired of being the spare. this gets one star purely for the line “she’s not a commoner, patrick. she’s an american.”

christmas wedding planning (2017)

⭐️⭐️| it looked like it would be half decent, and while it’s definitely better than the last two, it was still pretty eh. i could get on board with her texting her dead mother’s number as a way to talk to her still, and i understand we all experience grief differently, but.....actively paying your mums phone bill 3 years later? girl. also, the end made me SCREAM. WHY DID THEY DO THAT!!!!

santa girl (2019)

⭐️| this was just painful to watch. evil jack frost makes memes in his free time, santa has a fancy car and doesn’t eat sweets, and there’s an odd comparison between the elves, minimum age workers, and racism. however, one star purely for the entertaining (read: bloody awful) tooth fairy cgi that gave me a right laugh.

the christmas chronicles (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️| this was really cute and had the makings of what could be a christmas movie staple along with the likes of elf and the santa clause (but will never reach that standard, obvs). tbh, it’s just a nice heartwarming family christmas movie about two siblings who band together to help santa and save christmas. also, santa was a #dilf.

the christmas chronicles: part two (2020)

⭐️⭐️| one of these days i would love to see a sequel that’s better, or at least on par, with its predecessor, but that day is not today. sadly, this film lacked all the heart and magic the first one was filled with and some scenes were pretty redundant. kurt russell and goldie hawn, however... one star for each of them.

forever christmas / mr. 365 (2019)

⭐️⭐️| the title varies depending where you’re from, but that’s probably the most exciting part of this movie. a guy celebrates christmas 365 days a year and a reality show wants to invade his house? ok, sure. one star for the eye candy and one star for, surprisingly enough, their chemistry and all the kissing scenes that don’t usually make the mark in the hallmark world. 

noelle (2019)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| did i renew disney plus just so i could watch this (and a couple of others)? maybe so... this movie is so fun! and family friendly! and is actually funny! it gives me major elf vibes, but if elf was set in a more modern day setting. either way, i had a great time and have been holding out on this one after loving it a lot last year!

the nutcracker and the four realms (2018)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️| anything nutcracker related is an instant win in my book because it’s my favourite ballet of all time (except for graeme murphy’s version, we don’t talk about that). does this movie actually deserve the four stars? maybe not. am i going to give them anyway purely for my love of the nutcracker and the soundtrack? absolutely!

[obsessivedilettante]

Dramaland Forecast: November 2017

 Previously: 2016 - Jan - Feb - Mar - Apr - May - June - July - Aug - Sept - Oct

Completed:

Woman of Dignity -- considering how much I’ve hated this writer’s previous works, I went into this with negative expectations. I just wanted some background noise while I appreciated drama queens Kim Sun Ah and Kim Hee Sun. To my surprise, I got totally sucked into this saga about the “Desperate Housewives of Gangnam.” The gothic murder-mystery also definitely helped me to goggle at every cliff-hanger and queue up the next episode, and I ended up binging the series in a matter of days. Despite my low expectations, this has become one of my favorite drama-watching experiences of the year.

Currently watching:

The Package

Black

Dropping/skipping:

Mad Dog -- the lack of Leverage style capers was definitely a disappointment, since based on the first couple of episodes I thought that this would be that kind of show. I also really hated Woo Do Hwan’s character and wanted to punch his smirky face whenever he was on screen. Considering I fell asleep in the middle of an episode and then decided it wasn’t worth my time to rewind, it’s clear this is not the show for me. Sorry, Yoo Ji Tae! Hopefully your next drama is more to my liking!

Upcoming dramas of interest:

I’m Not A Robot -- a man who falls in love with a woman pretending to be robot because he has an allergy to other people is definitely an interesting concept, although I’m instinctively wary of any love interest that puts a woman in a category of “robot.” The cast is excellent, though, but that’s probably me thinking Uhm Ki Joon can do no wrong.

Meloholic -- OCN has made its name with gritty thrillers and cerebral mysteries, so I’m very hesitant when they try to branch out into more comedic or romantic fodder. There’s also a lot about this show that puts a few strikes against it, such as a director who’s very hit or miss with the quality of his shows (mostly miss with me) and, y’know, it stars U-Know Yunho (who, to be fair, I actually really enjoyed in the mini-drama I Order You, but historically he hasn’t exactly been one of those idol-actors that command a strong thespian presence). I’m curious if it will be as... ah... mediocre... as I presume it will be, but doubt I’ll make time to actually watch it.

Nothing to Lose -- considering the quagmire of legal shows that make me sigh if I have to deal with yet another prosecutor trying to save the day, the concept of a legal drama about two judges with completely different personalities somehow seems novel and refreshing, even though I’m sure it will be no different than anything else we’ve seen before.

Doubtful Victory -- the premise is vaguely compelling in that “one sentence synopsis that may set up false expectations” way (a man escapes jail and becomes a fake cop), but I’m really liking the production team. The director previously worked on Tree With Deep Roots and Six Flying Dragons, which were both visually stunning, and 3 Days which, well, wasn’t terrible but I mostly remember being disappointed that it didn’t live up to my Kim Eun Hee fangirl expectations. The writer previously did School 2013 and Pride and Prejudice, which means I have faith that the script should be pretty decent. I also like the leads, Yoon Kyun Sang and Jung Hye Sung, although I haven’t heard about the supporting cast yet.

Untouchable -- this could be a dark horse drama, because it’s JTBC, I like this director, and the cast is pretty decent (Eunji! I’ve missed you!). But this writer is... eh... hit or miss, to put it nicely (oh the RAGE I still feel about the hours I spent in vain hope that Masked Prosecutor would somehow live up to its potential), so this will probably be one I skip and binge later if it doesn’t sound as soap-opera frustrating as it could be.

Two Cops -- I don’t think I have anything new to add so I’ll just say: Jo Jung Suk! Kim Sun Ho! Lee Shi Un! HOYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Bad Guys: City of Evil -- I don’t care about the complaints that it’s not a true sequel, it looks awesome and that caaaaaaaaaaaaast.

Jugglers -- Daniel Choi is coming back! And he’ll be starring with Kang Hye Jung (aka Tablo’s wife) who usually seems to prefer playing quirky/offbeat characters. Even though I’m still unsure about the premise, this cast definitely has my attention (and how shallow am I to hope for some lame excuse to show-off the post-army abs?).

Wise Prison Life -- the latest drama from Reply series PD Shin Won Ho, which means of course everyone’s favorite papa Sung Dong Il is in it. Also starring is Yoon Kyung Ho (and cutie-patootie Jung Hae In, who I’m happy to hear is getting lots of attention from his role in While You Were Sleeping, which I didn’t watch but I’m always pleased for my pet actors to gain the glory they deserve). The premise is vague so far (prison life), but the strength of the production team and cast means I’ll be tuning in.

Just Between Lovers -- my instinct is that this will be a low-key real-life character-based drama that JTBC does so well, so fingers crossed it lives up to those expectations.

The Most Beautiful Goodbye in the World -- I never saw the original, but it’s Noh Hee Kyung’s remake of her 1996 drama of the same name, which starred (and will once again star) everyone’s favorite granny, Kim Young Ok. I’m not sure if I’m ready for a gut-wrenching story about family and Alzheimer’s, but for Noh Hee Kyung, I’ll endure it.

Return -- I adore Go Hyun Jung so I was already vaguely interested in this legal-mystery-thriller, but now that there’s a rumor Park Ki Woong will join the cast, I’m definitely adding it to my watchlist. I adore Park Ki Woong but have not been impressed with his choices post-enlistment (in fact, I’ve been actively ignoring them), so hopefully this will be the drama to remind me why I’ve been his fan for so long.

Let’s Eat 3 -- really? REALLY??? I love foodie Goo Dae Young to bits but after season 2 completely writing out Soo Kyung noona as though she never existed, and the fact that the foodie scenes weren’t even all that appetizing, I’m going to be watching this with a very negative “prove me that this is all worthwhile” attitude (but of course I’m still going to watch, because dammit Dae Young, I can’t quit you).

[hansbekhart]

Top 5/Bottom 5 story meme

Rules:  Tag the person who tagged you, always post the rules, list your 5 most popular and 5 least popular stories, and add the date! 

So I was tagged by @silentwalrus1​ and thought I’d do this even though I’ve been absent from fandom for a few months (it’s been a busy year for me, guys, for fucking serious, and when I had a post blow up my mentions I just sort of shrugged and thought, well, this is a good time to not worry about tumblr for a bit because I can’t see who’s talking to me anymore, anyway).

Top

1. When I Put Away Childish Things / 9-16-2014 - Hit count-wise, this is far and away my most popular fic, though the comments and kudos are so hilariously undersized in comparison? I console myself by thinking that maybe people come back to read this story, instead of just no one wanting to talk to me.   like this fic, though. It’s a nice, warm fic. Like taking a nap on a sunny day.

2. Make A Thing Go Right / 6-24-2015 - **looks around shiftily**  This is my favorite story. I love this story so much. When this fic crossed 1000 kudos I actually cried, even though that damn dick measuring fic has almost twice that number, and I just wrote the story mostly for myself and for the, like, ten people I knew on tumblr who also liked Sam Wilson, and even though a writer saying they never expected a fic to blow up is sort of like an actor saying they definitely didn’t even write an acceptance speech for that award show, I just, yeah, I’m so grateful. I love this story so much and it makes me happy that other people love it too. (Uh, I’m actually almost finished with a very indulgent shortish sequel fic, so hopefully people still love it but uh I’m gonna post it anyway)

3. This One’s For Bravery and This One’s For Me / 12-3-2014 - This fic baffles me so much. You know, I’ve never seen it on even one rec list? Like the only time I’ve ever seen this story get crossposted somewhere was on a media fic list? How the fuck does it have so many hits? Who likes this story?? 

4. A Contest of Stories / 11-16-2016 - coauthored with @samtalksfunny​ and illustrated by @albymangroves​. This fic is fucking awesome, and we worked damn hard on it. I now know enough about WWII to sound really creepy at parties.

5. Ever I Saw Your Face / 2-6-2016 - Ohhhh my god. This tropey bullshit. This goddamn dick measuring fic. You know, when I wrote it I actually had to sort of check myself because it seemed like such an obvious trope, “Steve gets big and boys are gross so obviously he and Bucky measured their dicks” but apparently that was all me, showing up fucking four years late with Starbucks and a dick measuring fic, yep.

Bottom - This feels a little unfair because my least popular stories are all old Harry Potter and Supernatural fics that I crossposted a year or two ago from my Livejournal, because that’s how old I am. 

1. Ambiguous / 10-5-2005 - I really hated Remus/Tonks, and wanted to see if I could make the pairing sympathetic to myself. Uh, it had the highest comment count in the LJ community it was first posted to, so I guess it succeeded. 

2. Red (Spaces in Between) / 9-11-2005 - Uh, I went to Hong Kong for the first time that summer and thought it was super cool so obviously I wrote some Remus/Draco about it. More experimentation.

3. The Passenger / 7-14-2009 - When Supernatural killed Henricksen, it was really the first nail in the coffin for my interest in that show? I thought he was such a cool character, and I like real life consequences over epic, clumsy theological storylines, so I lost a lot of interest when the showrunners lost dropped the “Wow the Winchesters really look like serial killers” plot and went with “Wouldn’t be cool if somebody was Satan??”  But in the throes of this I wrote a Dean/Victor apocalypse fic.

4. Beach Blanket Poltergeist / 9-22-2006 - Um, yeah so even 10 years ago I was doing a fuckload of research to write fan fiction, whaddaya want from me, history is cool, my hometown has a lot of fascinating history and also serial killers, I just love research, okay? 

5. Full Tilt Boogie / 7-14-2008 - It’s weird, but I think about this story a lot? Or at least, I think about the person who wrote this story, how damn young she was. Like the sex parts are all fine, or at least as fine as a supernatural, dubiously consensual, incestuous ghost orgy in a disco hotel can be, but there’s a theme running through the fic about disco being this, like, false, glamorous thing that only disappoints you, which was a belief that had a lot to do with the type of people who were in my life at that point, and having swallowed a narrative about music history that shits on anything that Black people, gay people, or Black gay people like. And on that note I was all about “including diversity” in my fics, but ran into problems with that because all of my protagonists were white, and the only roles left were for villains or the chorus, and you can already see how this could get problematic. Talking about this in an essentially public forum makes me feel like Macklemore, but unlearning unconscious biases and teaching yourself how to see institutional bullshit is a process and it takes a long time and a lot of work and you’ll probably fuck up along the way, but it’s worth it even when no one ever yells at you about it (which makes me feel like the opposite of Macklemore because I’ve never had anyone be mean to me on the internet, which is SO UNUSUAL).

Ummmm I’m a little embarrassed to tag anyone because I’ve been so absent from tumblr for the last few months. I feel like that #relatable post about just pretending you’ve died rather than admit to a friend you just forgot to text them back but uh, hi, hello, how’s everyone been?  It’s my birthday today and I’m getting married in about six weeks, so uh yeah 

[sammyday-everyday]

Disney films of 2018, ranked

I finally watched Mary Poppins Returns yesterday, and I realized that I watched every Disney film this year, at least, according to Wikipedia.

really weird, I was expecting a Disneynature film, Ghibli film or a Disney India film at least but hey, who cares anyway, we got an Incredibles sequel. Yay. So, here are the 6 Disney films of 2018, all ranked from best to worst.

#1: Mary Poppins Returns

Finally a good Disney film! I have so little to say against the Mary Poppins sequel-- it embraced the original’s magic and resurrected the cadaver that is Disney magic. If we look at only Disney titles (excluding Pixar and the others), the last good Disney film was 2016′s Zootopia, that although very good, was very different. I’m talking the classic Disney magic, the grandiose musical numbers, colorful characters, original narrative and of course, 2D animation.  The music is amazing, I don’t know how music works really, but the songs of the sequel matches what I’d call a “musical palette” of the original, hence each new songs sounds like unused musical number from 1964′s Mary Poppins, making it so you could listen to both soundtracks on shuffle together and they’d match perfectly. Then, as you might know the movie features 2D animation, and it is beautiful: exactly what you’d expect from Disney, and I missed it so much I can’t hide that a few tears made their way into my eyes. Emily Blunt nails Mary Poppins, keeping the character very much alive, Lin-Manuel Miranda is Lin-Manuel Miranda, so he is obviously great in this movie also. Still, the film feels a lot like a big broadway musical, which is to be expected since it was produced by the same guys who brought you Into the Woods and La La Land, but the problem is that if feels too much like a broadway musical. Not that much of an issue, but I wondered, a few times too many during the film, why they didn’t just made it into a broadway musical. Finally, it is a sequel, and unfortunately it does exactly what the original did, rather than doing something different, fresh and special. It is frustrating when sequels does that, but that’s a common problem, and even though it makes Mary Poppins Returns less special, it doesn’t make it bad. If you miss the old Disney magic though, that’s the best you’re getting these days.

Beautiful, magical, but still a sequel.

#2: Ralph Breaks the Internet

In a world where big studios try to be relevant to the youth by making films featuring Internet and its wonders, Ralph Breaks the Internet surprisingly isn’t a wreck. The same post-mermaid structure, still very boring, but that’s practically every Disney film these days, so let’s ignore that. The film itself is a great sequel, as nice as the first and they’re trying something different. Sadly, in the end, it’s just Emoji Movie by Disney, a lot of references to giant companies and culturally important websites, making the film feel a lot like one big ad. I won’t go too deep into the film right now, but I’ll say that although I have good things to say about the film, it’s forgettable. They’re still mocking the Disney genre much like Moana, pretending Enchanted never existed, but it’s all fine, then I enjoyed the little hint of a message about Internet hypocrisy in anonymity, but it’s so small you could miss it, and for a film about Internet, I was expecting more of that. The film is so filled with references that it becomes the one thing driving the film forwards, almost forgetting that it is a film, so rushed character introductions leads to a rushed ending when the filmmakers realized they were making a film. Little to see here, but if you like Internet, it isn’t bad, you can try it. For others, this film will be irrelevant. Only notable moment is the Disney Princesses’ appearances, which is excellent, but fan service over-shading the whole film is pretty embarrassing.

Film so empty it makes you wish it was just 112 minutes of Disney Princesses hanging out.

#3: Incredibles 2

Little to say here; to me, Incredibles 2 was a big let down. Misses the magic of the first film, and really fails to give out the same 60s atmosphere the original gave out. Little to no grown-up humor, only the best part from the first, and of course, a lot less fresh and special. If you like the Incredibles, you will get enjoyment out of this one too, the characters are as great as they were in the first. My biggest criticism is that the film doesn’t understand what made Incredibles so special: not only did the original animated a realistic and relatable family as the protagonists, it brought something new to the superhero genre. The first had washed out superheroes and illegal superpowers, really different from the superhero films of the time, like X-Men, Fantastic Four and Spider-Man, but first and foremost it was a family film, about the struggles of an unsatisfied family. The sequel focuses way too much on superheroes, and the superhero part isn’t even anything special: the question of “are we giving too much power to superheroes?” is nothing new, we’ve all seen Civil War and Batman v Superman and we’re all already tired of it.

We wanted a sequel, but not THAT.

#4: Christopher Robin

I am huge Winnie the Pooh lover, my childhood was marked by hours of Winnie the Pooh episodes, hence you might think I found 2017′s Christopher Robin a huge embarrassment and disappointment, but you’d be wrong: I loved it, although I recognize it was junk. You don’t understand how much I love Winnie the Pooh, I love him so much you put him in the worst film ever and as long as you don’t mess him up too much, I’ll love your film. So, what about Christopher Robin the film? It’s lovely, because Winnie the Pooh’s in it, but even Winnie and the gang aren’t as lovable as they used to be. They’re good, but they miss the quotable lines and dreamy metaphors to gain forgettable quotes that’ll make you go “I guess that Winnie-ish” and really obvious metaphors that’ll make you “yeah, I got it, thanks.” The Winnie part was failed, and the rest of the film isn’t better. It’s exactly like Mary Poppins Returns, same concept of retrieving your inner child, but done lazily and without passion. Winnie the Pooh was great because you knew it lived in Christopher Robin’s imagination, now seeing Winnie in London is really weird and unpleasant. Nobody asked for that.

Masters of the Universe but it’s Winnie the Pooh.

#5: The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is one of those horrible films that had good ideas, not that it could have been good, but it could have been a lot less horrible. It has an ensemble of characters that are either painfully annoying, terribly boring or plain forgettable, and although it tries to be that grandiose adaptation of the gracious Nutcracker, I wish I could say it’s all “Razzle Dazzle”, but even that isn’t true. I went to see it with my mom and she kept saying how beautiful the film was, and while I guess they were fine, you’ve probably seen awful films with prettier shots, I know I did. Nothing to see here, the story is terribly boring and makes no sense, but it’s so boring you won’t even care about making sense out of it. It’s sprinkled with fragments of good ideas like “let’s have a ballet scene in the film explaining the origins of the four realms” ruined by more obvious annoyingly awful ideas like “but since it’s so genius and subtle and hard to understand let’s have the annoying pink b**ch explain everything during the scene and ruin everything”. Fortunately, I’ll forget about it soon enough. The film tries to be an epic tale but it ends up being insignificant, little, and forgettable. 

Let’s make The Nutcracker but stupid.

#6: A Wrinkle in Time

I wish I could hate A Wrinkle in Time with a burning passion, but I just don’t understand it. If I’d tell you the plot of the film, you’d say “This is so stupid, this does not make any sense”, but don’t go thinking A Wrinkle in Time is one of those films, those that makes you go “I mean sure it sounds stupid but if you watch it it’s a lot better.” It is stupid, and the film glorifies not making sense, or at least I think it does. Most scenes I don’t know if it’s one of those glorified scenes of nonsense or just a metaphor for something I don’t get. Scenes come out of nowhere and lead nowhere, to an extent where you’re left with scenes like “so the kids go to the beach and a guy gives them food, but then one of the kid eats sand so the girls’ brother becomes evil” and concepts like “to teleport to another dimension all you need is to set your frequency to love”. With an ending where the kids exterminate all evil in the universe so everyone in the planet becomes good or something, I can’t find anything good about this movie. It’s so weird and unpleasant and incomprehensible, I couldn’t recommend it any less. It’s a mess trying to be progressive and give a message of love, but even Barberella is better in this department.

“...what?” -Me, during the entirety of A Wrinkle in Time.

What 2018 a good year for Disney? Well, it was better than 2017 so I guess yes. This year we’re having a couple of titles too. Remakes of Lion King, Aladdin and Dumbo sure sounds like big disappointments, and I wonder if they’ll give the Genie a kid since he’s played Will Smith-- can’t imagine the guy playing a role other than a tragic dad. Frozen 2 and Toy Story 4 have potential, but they will be sequels. I am curious for that Artemis Fowl film though, but since Kenneth Branagh is directing it (Director of Thor, Cinderella and Murder on Orient Express, all the worst ones) I’m gonna be expecting a bad year. 

[lastweektranscripts]

Last Week I Started Vlogging Again!

Last Week # 1

March 28th - April 3rd, 2016

(These might be weirdly formatted, due to Tom’s style at the beginning of Last Week as a series)

 [Hey you! So tod- Ah- Uh- Nailed it. Oh my God, okay. How do I- How do I do this?

 Hey you! So, I thought I would try something a little different this week. I don’t really vlog in the traditional sense of “Whoa, look, here’s what I’m up to with my life” and I thought it’d be kinda nice to do that again.

One, because I miss making memories, and just logging my life, more than, y’know, just one day a year. And also, I just thought it’d be kinda interesting to see what happens when I start sharing my life, and my world with you a bit more. Um, I noticed that a lot of people still reference my past. They talk about my old friends, my old friendships, and I realised that not many people actually realize what my life is really like anymore. So, this is my first ever attempt at a weekly vlog. So, welcome to Last Week.

 Last Week started off with a lazy bank holiday Monday which I spent most of writing... videos for. Because I don’t know how to not do YouTube, it’s- I dunno, Dunno what I’m doing.]

  Monday

 Today I am just hanging out in my living room, on my own, because I’m very cool. I’ve got the fireplace going, it’s very nice. Um, and I’m writing vlogs.

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It really sounds like there’s a bird stuck in my chimney. This is kind of horrific.

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It wasn’t a bird, it was a ridiculous amount of hail! Help me.

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Okay, I have just finished writing my first vlog of the day. It is 6pm, but the vlog is 1,200 words long so...

 I remember when I used to write vlogs that were like, 60 seconds long. Those were, those were good days. What do I write next? Oh I don’t know. Oh I’ve gotta write a lot of vlogs. Oh my god.

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Tom: Elliot is here!

Elliot: Wh- Whaaaat What Why? What? What’s happening?

Tom: Jaffa cakes.

Elliot: Jaffa cakes.

 Tuesday

 So, after staying up all night with Elliot watching “Gravity Falls”, which was amazing, uh, we have come into the office very late, and we are now shooting vlogs. Elliot is now finishing off a vlog about guns, and I am hopefully writing another vlog.

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[Because I wanted to spend the rest of the week with Eddie, writing, and I always get distracted when there’s lots of stuff going on in the office, Tuesday we spent writing and filming the vlogs, so that Elliot could then go away for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and edit those while Eddie and I stayed in the office and wrote.]

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Aaah, so the time has come to film two vlogs, the one about money and the one I’ve just written about life goals, and all the things I want to achieve in my life. Here is the vlogging setup, we’re trying to use a nice boom mic these days. There are lights, and things, and a gun wall, I don’t need this bat anymore. Oh, that was loud!

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Okay, so that’s the vlogs done! Elliot is now going to leave the office for three days and edit them. Why’re you still here?

Elliot:[Starts to speak]

Tom: Elliot, get out!

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[Wednesday morning started off in Central London, with me doing some stuff for my diet, which I still haven’t really talked about, and... don’t want to yet. I don’t wanna. I just don’t wanna.]

 Wednesday

 So I’ve yet to tell you guys exactly how I am losing a lot of the weight, but one of the ways involves a lot of dietary supplements and nutrients, and I’m gonna go pick those up now.

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I got on the wrong train, and now I am running late. I’m smart

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[It also became quite apparent at this point in the week that vlogging makes most other people feel quite uncomfortable, especially when you don’t tell them you’re doing it. The look they kinda give you, it’s as if you’ve just turned around and you’ve got your dick out.]

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So now we are at work. And we are going to write today.

Eddie: Yes.

Tom: [Laughs]

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So I’ve just found out that we might have access to Chris Evans and Anthony Mackey for like, half an hour to hopefully shoot a sketch to help promote “Captain America: Civil War”, which is amazing and very exciting, but I’m not gonna get my hopes up too much, because these kind of opportunities usually fall through. But, that said, we are writing a sketch called- I dunno- called “Fire Man”, which I really really like, and the truth is, even if this doesn’t go through, I’m definitely going to make this sketch cuz I think it’s really really funny. Um, yeah, I really hope we get to do this.

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[Wednesday ended though with me heading up to see my girlfriend because it was her birthday, and yes- yes I have a girlfriend, but I don’t really talk about that stuff publicly, I haven’t for my last, uh, couple of relationships because, pffffft, I stopped vlogging and, y’know the, obviously when you make something very public, uh, then it ends, people get- people are invested, and they throw opinions around which no-one really needs when you’re going through a breakup, so I just kinda keep that to myself now. I’m not- I don’t keep big secrets, but-]

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[On Thursday morning though, I headed back into work and continued to make Eddie feel uncomfortable bu- by vlogging around him. Cuz he really likes it when I do that.]

 Thursday

 SO IT’S A NEW DAY! And I am wearing the same clothes, because, walk of shame. Eddie- Eddie is- Eddie is cleaning up boxes. What’s Eddie doin’?

 Eddie: Cleaning up boxes.

Tom: He’s- He’s doing that. Those are for MCM.

 We just finished a first draft of a new script for Crash Zoom, it is called Sky Scam, and I’ve just sent it off to a bunch of my comedy writing to be like, “Please destroy this script”, so I know if it’s funny or not.

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Just came up with another idea for a sketch. It’s uh, it’s called “Incredibly Offensive” and it is- The idea is that it’s just every offensive thing ever in- in one sketch. All the things you can’t say, or do, or show, and uh, this came- this came out of me trying to brainstorm ideas with Eddie about incredibly safe sketches to do.

 So y’know, when I’m in my head I’m going “Here’s all these things we can’t do”, and my brain just goes “Oh yeah, what if we just do all of those.” So, who knows if that sketch will ever get made. S’good use of my time.

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[So when it comes to my weight loss and the diet I’m doing, I am doing a kinda medically supervised diet thing, which also comes with some physiotherapy, some physical treatments, and all I can really say about those right now, is that they make me wear the most ridiculous, ridiculous outfit that I am pretty sure is just designed to make me feel bad about being overweight, so that I never wanna do it again. If that is the plan, it’s definitely working.]

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Okay, so exciting news. I am now officially no longer the heaviest I’ve ever been. I am now the weight that I was, back when I went on a diet in 2010, that was my previous heaviest ever, 15 and a half stone. So, I know I can do this. But I’m vlogging in the middle of the street, and it’s weird, and everyone’s looking at me, so that’s fun.

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[Vlogging in public is weird though, especially when you get recognized mid-way through doing it.That’s- That’s always strange.]

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Girl: I wanna say hello to my boyfriend, Eric. Hello!

Tom: Hi Eric!

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[Friday was April Fools day, which basically meant that I had not planned anything, as per usual, even though I want to do a good April Fools joke. So I just improvised, and I just scared the living shit out of a lot of my friends.

 Friday

 Y’know, like most great ideas, in the shower I thought that it’d be kinda funny to just pretend I’m gonna do a video all about which YouTubers have had sex with eachother. Um, so I’ve just posted up a thumbnail saying it’s coming later today.

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[So Last Week I was working on something called “Project Salvation”, which is basically me attempting to get my channel back on track, and make up for being quite slow over the past six months or so, not uploading nearly as many videos as I’d like to. I started off 2015 really well, uploading two videos a month, and then it just went straight down to one video a month again. So, “Project Salvation” is basically my attempt at making some really, really good, really great sketches that I really think people are gonna enjoy. And Eddie and I, we’re just kinda powering through coming up with ideas for those, and yeah we, I-I think we have something pretty good- pretty good on the way.]

 Tom: It’s top notch.

 [Alice came in though, to record the new episode of “Crash Zoom”, which is nice, it’s always nice to see Alice, and I wish more people would hire her to be an actress, but hey, that much I can say is- Crash Zoom, there’s new Crash Zoom and it’s coming and yay.]

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We asked a lot of friends for their opinions on the script and then we cut- we cut- we cut so much script I just- All- All the jokes. Why.

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[Alice screams]

Tom: I share my office building with a lot of other people.

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Alice has now left us, and we are back writing again.

Eddie: Yay...

We’re good- We’re good- We’re fun people. We are writing a new sketch, which might be a spiritual sequel to another sketch that I made, with Eddie.

Eddie: Yaaay.

Which was quite popular, that involved a-

Eddie: It’s like a floor, but a lack of. Tom: Yeah.

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[And Friday ended with my girlfriend coming to see me, which was nice. And I said “Goodbye” to her, and she has gone off away on holiday for two- two weeks, so now I am so alone. Just so alone.

 On Saturday evening though, I headed on over to Sammy’s, and things got a little, a little off the chain. Little crazy.]

 Saturday

 Crushin’ mad pussy right now. Playin’ some tabletop games. We’re- Everyone’s having a good time, and I’m- Pussy’s gettin’ crushed.

Elliot: What’re you doing?

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Tom: Sammy, tell us all your racist joke.

Sammy: That wasn’t racist!

Elliot: I mean, we all heard it.

Friend: Go on.

Sammy: Hang on, I have too much power here to just suddenly be like “Thanks for telling that racist joke just before the camera started.”

Tom: Haha, that was- That was racist, Sammy.

Sammy: Stop!

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[Saturday ended with me and Sammy staying up until about four am, talking about things, ideas, and people. Elliot was asleep between us, on the sofa, we weren’t in the same bed, or were we? We weren’t. Um, but Sunday started with a picnic, and I say started, we didn’t really- We didn’t really get there until about 2pm because I’m good at organizing things. And also being on time.]

 Sunday

 It’s pi- It’s picnic day. Look, some friends! There’s one! I met a duck.

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This is a friend duck. A Fuck.

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Someone: Ducksquidge.

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[Then we went to the pub, had cheeky, cheeky sparkling water. Okay, I also had a gin and tonic, even though I’m not supposed to on this diet. But what can I say? I’m- I’m an- I’m a budding alcoholic, so.]

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We are in- In a p- with alcohols. I can’t drink.

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Tom: Hey Sammy, guess what? Fuck you!

Sammy: Aw fuck!

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[But then we went back to mine and played even more tabletop games because my god, are we ever cool. We’re not cool, not even slightly.]

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Sammy: Oh, we’re here again, playing “Dead of Winter”, phew we live a wild, exciting life don’t we?

[Group chuckling in background]

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[Finally everyone got ubers to their respective homes, and the week was over. And honestly I can say it was a really, a really good week like, it was nice to- It was nice to create some stuff. I didn’t write nearly as much as I hoped I would, but we got a lot of stuff done, there was a lot of progress made, and- And I saw a lot of people, and I socialized a lot more than I normally do. This was not reflective of kind of the last two years of my life, and it was just really nice seeing people, and- Yeah, I dunno, it was just- It’s been great to socialize, and that’s nice. I wanna do that more, I wanna live more, I wanna- people. I want people in my life. I kinda cut my social life down by two-thirds a couple of years ago, and it’s nice to socialize again.

 So what have I learned from my first week of vlogging? Um, first of all, I should really probably finish this setup, which I haven’t done yet, since moving around things in the office, and also I should film more cutaways, I keep forgetting to do that. So, here’s one. Here’s a- Here’s a cutaway. Vlogging: I’m a professional. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m sorry. But thank you for watching, let me know what you think about this, of this weekly vloggy experience. All my friends are doing monthly vlogs, so I’m gonna one-up them, or up them by four times. I’m gonna 400% them-up. 4-up them? I dunno what I’m-

 I’m just gonna end this now. Thank you for watching and Tomska out.

 I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.]