#i am so not tempted to rewatch faking it and hurt my heart again

[obliviouskara]

im gonna sit here and be a good little shit and finish watching supergirl or so help me god

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

Rewatching Syren

The little mermaid is my favourite ondertale episode

What kind of dystopia do these poor Parisians live in where stuff like this is happening even when there aren’t akuma attacks going on??? ignore Pocahontas in the corner okay that’s just the Disney Channel thing, the sequel sucks anyway

Uh just a warning. So, I know in these rewatching ml posts I always harp on about Kimax this, Kimax that, Kimax Kimax Kimax. But the truth is that after 2 seconds of seeing Ondine onscreen I already wanted her to marry Kim so be prepared for me screeching over Kimdine a lot in this thing okay, I am TRASH and I’m not even sorry about it

How much do you wanna bet Kim has broken every single one of these rules multiple times

HE PINNED HIS TOWEL TO HIS SHOULDERS LIKE A CAPE, HE’S SUCH A DORK I LOVE HIM???

I love Ondine so much too, she’s basically buff freckly Ariel and she’s so cute oh my god freckles for days

Okay so the sign’s in a bunch of different languages and I’m 99% sure Kim has ignored it many, many times

He didn’t put his goggles on when he went underwater, and actually neither of their swimming caps cover all their hair ugh they’re both disasters, I love them

She’s BLUSHING and everything how does Kim not notice this??? He’s all like “oh that boy you like must be so dumb lol” well yeah Kim, yeah HE IS

Can I gush for a second about Ondine’s design?? They actually made her look like a swimmer, like with big shoulders and arms everything, and she’s fairly tall, and she’s got freckles everywhere (at least 40 on her face alone, I counted) and thick eyebrows and it all just makes her super GORGEOUS like yes can we get more character designs like these please?? (And KIM OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOU you’ve got it bad and you don’t even realize skdjfhksjdhkj)

Oh btw Ondine’s bracelet is 023 and Kim’s is 024, in case you wanted some useless information

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we, as a fandom, are sleeping on the fact that Kim can stick his toe in his ear and that Ondine thinks it’s cute and this is actually a canon thing that is canon

He even passes her the notebook with his feet?? Sometimes I wonder what she sees in him but then I remember I want to adopt him so like, there must be something

Reason #3274598347 why Kimdine are a great couple: they really must trust each other a hell of a lot considering they literally have a game where they spill their secrets to each other, like, they’re already close friends and know so much about each other and oh okay I may be using this rewatching post to just gush about my fav underrated canon otp oops

He still likes Chloé at this point? Really?? Really??? (And he’s just gonna casually leave the pool before knowing for sure that the animal attack is over? I guess he just expects to be able to outrun those panthers huh)

SHE EVEN DREW HEARTS ON IT AND EVERYTHING, THAT’S SO ADORABLE??? KIM PLEASE NOTICE HER OKAY I WILL PERFORM THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY MYSELF

In the English dub at this point he literally calls her a “little mermaid”, huh maybe that Pocahontas icon in the corner isn’t totally irrelevant after all (also he implies this is nowhere near the first time Ondine has tried to confess her feelings, so basically Kim can join Adrien in the “she’s just a friend” club)

RENA’S BAAAAAAACK AHHH I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE HER AGAIN, ALYA GETS TO BE A HERO AGAIN AND I’M SO PROUD

That eyeliner

Grumpy Chat gives me life okay, it’s so funny to me for some reason

Uh... it’s not just me who thinks Rena looks really, really pale, is it?

Alya just straight-up flirts with Ladybug, she’s not even being subtle

WHEN ONDINE CRIES I CRY

The lifeguard doesn’t even wait a second when Syren turns up, he just starts running, what a mood

MARKOV IS BACK!!! MY LIL ROBOT BABY!!! And Max too, I’m always glad to see him

I genuinely want to watch Mecha Monkey vs Cyber Shark 3 though

Kim’s hair really Did That

Question: did Markov need a ticket?

Look at Kim in the background being sad that Chloé didn’t show up omg

Tfw the guy you like is so oblivious that you cry enough to flood an actual city

WHY ARE ALL KWAMIS ALWAYS SO ADORABLE *flips table*

I’m actually really proud of Marinette, she’s been put into such a tough situation where she wants to tell Chat Noir the truth but isn’t allowed, and she’s trying to do something to change that because she trusts him and understands his frustration

Mmmmm cronchy

This lil elephant decor got me thinking, how cool would an elephant miraculous be?

This poor boy is just sitting alone being emo when he’s attacked by the floods

HNSDFJSHDNFJSHDF I’M NOT OVER THIS

I’m not Plagg or anything but that stuff genuinely sounds really good okay

My little brother’s reaction to Plagg hyperventilating into a sock was “big mood” and honestly? Tea

CLASSMATES!!! Nino getting a slight amount of screentime!! Good stuff

What’s Max up to? “Psst Markov, do you think Kim will ever love me?” He looks sad okay I wanna give him a hug

Ah yes, my favourite companies, “Cinema Productions” and “Film Studio”

Alya clinging onto Nino!!!

An interesting thing is that while Syren is one of the nicest (if not THE nicest) akuma villains, I’m pretty sure she has the highest death toll by far. Tidal waves and mass flash-flooding in a major city?? Thousands and thousands of people have gotta be dead and you know it, like imagine if she’d accidentally killed Kim too, that would have been awkward

Marinette and Alya being heroes and making sure everyone got out okay omg, they’re heroes even without the mask

There really are not many survivors up on these rooftops, are there...

Kim is just on another level of Iconic entirely??? Paris is flooded with his future bae’s tears and he puts on a swimming cap and goggles (which he doesn’t use) and immediately leaps into the water, and then tells Markov (who is a tiny robot and allergic to water) to learn to swim like a frog, what even goes through his brain

THEIR FACES AKJFHKSDJHFSKJDHKG

*dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN*

“KIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!” Here is the mandatory Kimax part of the rewatching post -- Max is so worried for Kim??? He’s the first one to react and the only one to like, properly react??? Ugh my multishipper heart

The fact that Alix went to look means either she does at least slightly care about Kim, or she’s just super hyped to watch him drown, and I’m not sure which is funnier tbh she’s so fake though unlike Alya she just stands there not even trying to look

Me trying to row anything, ever

Alix has one single line in the entire episode and as usual, it’s the BEST line

*physically restrains myself from making a Shape of Water reference because it’s been done so many times by now*

My small brother laughs a lot at this scene because he says it reminds him of the time Chat Noir put a bowl on Prince Ali’s head and now I can’t unsee it

This hurts me in my soul okay, she wants to tell him but she caaaaaan’t

Huh, Fu managed to get a lot of stuff up on the roof with him, how’d he have time for that?

Lemme just cover my nonexistent ears for a sec

The best thing about this scene is that all the jokes Marinette tells aren’t even funny, I’m honestly cackling with laughter

AQUATIKKI. AQUATIC. I ONLY JUST GOT THAT OMG

Also?? These new costumes??? I love them holy moly

Fu has cobra venom... bro... listen I researched that stuff for a certain fic and uh you don’t want that stuff lying around, trust me, it is NOT A PLEASANT WAY TO GO

I know my first reaction to this should not be laughter, but it’s just so funny seeing Adrien being bratty for once okay this is g r e a t, ah yes Paris being FLOODED and UNDER ATTACK is a very good time to take off your ring

Heartfelt Plagg!!! I love him

So uh... if Kim is Syren’s prince... does that make him... Prince Kim... AHEM ANYWAYS that throne she made for him is so cute and I can’t believe he doesn’t even care that he got kidnapped by an akuma villain ‘cause hey, it’s a hot shredded mermaid therefore Kim’s a scalie and it’s CANON

So he’s all like “I’ve never seen a siren at the pool before??” which means that 1. He doesn’t realize she’s an akuma villain, he just genuinely thinks she’s a siren who actually lives in Paris, and 2. he knows what a siren is and doesn’t put 2+2 together that this particular siren has chosen him as prey and is luring him into staying underwater with her forever

I legit think about this scene every single day. The writers were probably like “okay so we need a mermaid episode, which kid in the class would be most likely to be seduced by a m-- KIM. IT WOULD BE KIM.” He’s just realized this freckly fish is Ondine and that she’s in love with him and just... hhhh I have a lot of feels it’s like 1am okay

He wants to be a merman so that he can swim fast, that’s so Kim of him I’m in tears omg, Syren doesn’t even care she’s just being a creepy fish with 100 freckles on her face (I counted) tempting him into staying with her at whatever cost

Asjdhskdjhfksjd he KNOWS she’s an akuma villain and still wants to kiss her?? Well to be fair Ondine’s evil yandere mersona is very pretty and Kim never really uses his brain for thinking, so... yeah

“Okay so I want to kiss u but I also wanna watch this movie DO U SEE MY DILEMMA” I love his reasoning so much

My exact reaction on seeing Ladybug’s new outfit

Look how happy she is to see Chatfish in his new costume!! Bless them both tbh, I’m a lil sad we didn’t get to see Aqua-Plagg though, how amazing would that have been

Kim geeking out over their costumes is not only such a mood but also it’s adorable and oh shoot I ship him with Ladybug too, I have too many Kim ships I swear

HE LOOKS SO SAD WHEN HE’S TALKING ABOUT HOW ONDINE GOT AKUMATIZED?? I’m like 99% sure at this point he’s realized he likes her too and probably feels so bad about unknowingly causing her to be upset enough to get akumatized omg my HEART okay I should stop endlessly gushing over Kimdine now shouldn’t I

“You wanna know my secret???” Okay wait, was he... was he about to stick his toe in his ear in front of Ladybug

Oooh do French numberplates actually do this thing? like, have numbers on top of each other like that? That’s pretty interesting

I work at a doctor’s surgery and I can tell you now, even Master Fu’s handwriting is more legible than half the stuff I have to decipher written by those darn doctors

ERBAL EDARIUM

I wonder what would happen if Tom actually ate one of those

You gotta love how unsubtle that Frozer foreshadowing is

For the first time in the episode, she’s actually wearing her goggles!

The fact that he asks her out?? Using their secrets game?? Is just so sweet?? They just care about each other so much look at them?? Ugh just get married already you freaking scalie disaster jocks

I know Nathalie’s sorting out a schedule but it kiiiinda looks like she’s playing Tetris lol

UHHH HEY MASTER FU?? QUICK QUESTION, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ADRIEN’S CHINESE TUTOR?? HE’S NOT... SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES... IS HE?

YEAH ME TOO ADRIKINS, I’M HELLA SUSPISH

On the one hand Gabe yelling at Nooroo makes me want to punch him, but on the other hand he’s literally asking outright how to become a mermaid

THERE’S AQUA-PLAGG!! YES!!! I know this end card was more cringey originally and they changed it, but it’s still cringey ngl

(And idk where else to put this but fun fact: there’s a Septimus Heap book called Syren and it’s rly good, it doesn’t have any fishybugs and chatfish in it but it’s good)

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal! my body is under a lot of stress today—probably from lugging around my laptop all day, errrday. 

i really dont even know who i am anymore or where my priorities lie or anything. ive been more pessimistic and self deprecating recently. but it was pretty nice to read my journal entries from the mission field and rewatching/listening to the performances from the festival in Turkey! I miss it all.

I totally forgot how much I struggled with my own innerdemons and pride while I was there! I’m glad I documented it. 

I felt pretty challenged by Jason earlier. I think my go to is to hate myself and make a joke about it. I simultaneously think I’m better than everyone else and hate myself whenever I compare myself to those around me, lol. What a strange complex indeed.

I think the biggest thing I learned while in Turkey was to not be so results oriented. tbh, i think my thoughts and emotions have just been so clouded recently and i havent been able to think straight in a long time. a lot of what i’ve said has contradicted other statements ive made. im not who i used to be. i used to be so good at being vulnerable and honest and real and genuine and really did care for others. but ive grown a lot more selfish since then. how can i call myself a Christian and claim these goals when I myself am not living them out? I want to. I’ve been wanting to help others but moreso bc i wanted to feel better about myself and not because i just wanted them to be okay. and i think thats why ive been struggling to create these more intimate bonds and relationships as of recently. im so quick to judge far too often and i really dont want to bc who am i to say or judge anyone? only God can do that. we all have our own stories and sin. i feel like I’m “further” in my relationship with God than others but what does that matter if I’m not moving forward? At least they are deliberately spending more time with God and not just remaining stagnant and complacent in their position! And when I have had the opportunity to talk to people, I’ve found myself finding the conversation boring and wanting to move onto the next best thing instead of just treasuring the moment and opportunity that I had right then and there. I’ve allowed myself to become far too prideful and I want to come from a much more humble mindset once more. Everyone is hurting and everyone has their own story. It isn’t my job to fix them. It isn’t my responsibility and no one expects me to do so. 

In February, I honestly didn’t want to live anymore. I think Sharlene helped a lot and going home to be with friends and family and attend Robbin’s funeral helped a lot. But I felt like I was in so much suffering and it felt overwhelming. He was dead and even in Turkey when I saw someone who looked like him, I was so shocked and distraught at the thought of having to relive that pain and see him again that I couldn’t help but cry and lose focus. My grandpa had cancer and things weren’t looking good. I couldn’t even bring myself to sing “Little Miss Sunshine” and I couldn’t even imagine a reality or possibility where he did pass away. I felt so much guilt and shame after Robbin passed. All the things I could have said. All the things I should’ve done. But I never did. And just like that, he was gone. And I felt like I was in an excruciating amount of pain and suffering. It didn’t matter if I was on the train or walking home or anywhere else public. I didn’t care anymore. At all. I had lost my family. He was gone. And I was so tempted to kill myself bc being with God in Heaven and having eternal life seemed like a much sweeter reality than the Hell I was living in. I didn’t trust the people at Lakeview yet and honestly, I still don’t. Though I am doing better.

I can’t make people happy because I myself am in so much misery. I am so pessimistic and upset and miserable. How could I possibly bring someone joy when I myself am feeling the opposite? I want to radiate with warmth and stand firm in my identity with the Lord. Not in aimlessly walking in this dark chasm that I’ve been walking in for who knows how long. There’s a lot that I don’t say in fear that it is “not as much” in comparison with others. There’s a lot that I don’t say because I don’t want people to see me as weak or think I’m less able of accomplishing certain tasks. 

I don’t want to help for the sake of helping. I want to help because I genuinely care. I’ve grown to be so selfish and apathetic towards it all. And God, I truly am so sorry for the things that I’ve said and the things that I’ve done. I am a child of God. I am a child of God. I am a child of God.

I used to jump at the chance of sharing common interests with others because I knew how lonely it had been being in the outside circle and never fitting in. Never having the opportunity to getting to know anyone because I was judged before I even had the chance. And my bitterness has definitely taken form and prevented me from doing a lot of things. It’s prevented me from going back to Sa-Rang without seeing them all as enemies targeting me. It’s prevented me from really trusting people within the church. How I can I hope to build a culture based in vulnerability when I myself am not willing to do so?

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-4

I want to be genuinely interested and invested in others. When they share what their interests are, I want to take the time to indulge myself in those things so that I may better understand them. I want to build a community and intentional relationships with these people. I don’t want to help so that people can praise my name. I want to help because I care about them. 

I think I’ve been more selfish and conceited recently because I am so desperate for someone to care about me. And I am so blind to the fact that people do. I think Johnathan cares, Jason cares, P. Josh cares, Amanda cares, and I’m sure Johnny does too. David L. cares, Rachel cares, Joyce P. cares. My sister cares, my mom cares, my dad cares. Jeanne cares, Sofia cares, Andrew cares. But I have been so blinded by my own self hatred and criticism that I haven’t been able to see or accept that. I just keep digging my own grave and running into a brick wall when they are more than willing to help. I just have to be honest and reach out to them. Asking for help doesn’t make me a burden. It is only when I expect them to always be by my side in every moment but if I am genuine about it and try to care for them.

By my own standards, I am the worst dirt of the Earth. By those around me, they praise me for my commitment, hard working nature, and determination to get anything done that I set my mind to. I don’t want to believe I’m better than anyone else because I really am not. I am so broken in my ways. I am so confused and lost and feel like I’ve seen nothing but darkness for so long. In February, I decided to try and go all in with God and see if anything changed. If I read the Bible, if I got super involved at church, went on a mission, and really did my best to give everything I am to the Lord and live a life so deeply rooted within the church, what would happen? If I still wasn’t happy and felt miserable then I would know it wasn’t worth it and God is not real in the end. And I would cast Him out and pretend He is fake. And that mindset of going all in has lowkey been super toxic to my faith. Because yes, I have been doing all these things and usually with an ulterior motive in mind. But because of this underlying doubt and caution, I’ve been so quick to point out inconsistencies and almost desperate to find any possible crack in the stone. But going to Turkey did really rekindle my faith, I think. There were moments when God was just so undeniable and real. When I talked to Arzu and my heart so desperately broke for her. 

I don’t want to be afraid to sing loudly at church or be honest about how I’m feeling or really cry out to God during a Sunday service. I so desperately need Him. And this underlying fear has been getting in the way of me really going deeper with Him. I don’t know how long it will take for me to find my identity in Him once more. But thank you God for giving me that wakeup call because if not, I may have ended up like Johnathan’s roommate and left the faith altogether because I tried to serve too soon without having a firm foundation first in you. I do want to better equip myself. I do want to serve your people. I don’t want to serve because it’ll make me look “cool.” I don’t want to serve because of how others will perceive me. I just want to serve just as I am with all that I am. And I pray that I may be a humble servant before you, God. Because your word will not be shaken, God. It will not.

I want to have full confidence in the Lord. Knowing that my identity 

I think initially coming into my freshman year, I was so scared and intimidated by everyone. But I was also much more real and genuine at the time. I think in some part because of all the heartbreak I’ve had to face the past few years as well as hanging out with the wrong people and turning away from God has left me very bitter and apathetic and self-centered and conceited and too afraid to be real. I put up a facade and walls upon walls upon walls up to protect myself from others. It’s in part because of Sa-Rang. But it’s also because I have felt pain so deeply and extremely during my time in college. And it’s honestly been so hard. I’ve relied on people to help me through those moments time and time again but something always happens when I can no longer be friends with them in that capacity anymore. Saying guys and girls are different and can’t trust the MAST guys bc they’re guys is just a cop-out. It’s an excuse so that I don’t have to open myself up. I don’t want to judge/rebuke for the sake of doing so. I want to say these words because I care so much about my friends and genuinely want the best for them. 

God, this is my prayer to you. I don’t want to do these things for the sake of doing them but I want to do them so that I may better honor and glorify you. I do need a community. I do desire just coming as I am to someone. Anyone. I need another Sharlene in my life. She was there for me when I didn’t know what to do. When my cousin had passed away, I didn’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to brag about the things I’ve done anymore. It’s uncomfortable for everyone and doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. 

My family is not nearly as terrible as I make them out to be but that doesn’t make me any less scared of going home.

Instead of judging people for the things they may say against me, I want to be able to pray for them and lift them up in love.

I want to love as Christ has loved us.

I want to be so confident in my faith that I would be more than willing to die for Christ, regardless of the circumstances. Whether I must lead a life of suffering or face an immediate, I want to be willing. Even if I am imprisoned or socially outcasted or physically punished, I want to still stand tall and firm in my faith. Knowing that my God is so much greater than anything on this Earth.