#i am so sorry that this is so late soph!!! i got distracted by various other projects shdfjsh

[jebentnietalleen]

Temerate 💞💞 (love me some sadness)

temerate - to break a bond or promise (ao3 link)

sometimes he forgets how long they have known each other, eliott and him. but then, something happens, and he is reminded again.

right now, he is reminded by the way he knows exactly how eliott got that scar just below his right knee. the same knee that is currently resting besides his own while they are sitting on a blanket in the park, waiting for the rest of their friends to show.

he knows how he got that scar, because he was there, watching him climb a tree when he was 9 and lucas was 7, trying to rescue a cat that seemed to be stuck. they hadn’t known each other for long back then, lucas had just moved in across the street and really looked up to eliott. here was his new neighbor, this older boy who was willing to climb a tree to rescue a cat, and he actually wanted to hang out with lucas. he didn’t understand it, but he didn’t dare question it.

it turned out the cat wasn’t stuck at all, it happily jumped out of the tree once eliott almost reached the branch it was lying on, and as a result eliott’s grip faltered and he fell down. hard. lucas did the best he could to distract his new friend, making jokes and giving him all the cuddles he needed. it wasn’t until he told eliott that he thought he was the bravest boy he knew, that eliott stopped crying, his eyes glistening in a different way.

it made his cheeks warm up and he didn’t know why, all he knew is that he was glad to have helped in a way. to have been able to make eliott feel good. it’s a feeling he’s been chasing ever since.

it’s part of the reason why, once eliott told him many years later that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he looked eliott straight in the eyes and told him: i’m not just saying this because of your diagnosis but i need to make this clear: i’m not going anywhere, i will always be here for you. even if you don’t want to talk, even if it is too much sometimes and you need some space, i’ll be there when you do want that.

because it was true, he wasn’t going to go anywhere, he would always care about eliott no matter what, and a small voice inside his head told him that maybe he cared a little bit too much, but he didn’t mind. he was fine just being his friend, it was more than fine, it was amazing. and he truly needed eliott to understand that nothing he did or said could change that for him, because eliott looked so scared when he told lucas about his episodes, scared like he was afraid lucas would think differently about him. they made a pact, that night, that no matter the circumstances, they would always check in with each other and be there for the other. and most importantly: they would always, always be honest to each other.

when lucas came out to him, a few months later, eliott truly kept to his promise. he did everything he could to make lucas feel safe and comforted and most importantly, normal. he even told lucas that he wasn’t sure how to label it yet, but that he definitely was sure he likes both boys and girls. it made him feel a little weird inside, but he wasn’t sure why, nor did he know if it was a good kind of weird or not. not until later, when he realized that somehow, he had started to like eliott. like like.

that’s when it dawned on him, it was both a good kind of weird and a bad kind of weird. a good kind of weird because eliott liking both boys and girls meant that maybe, one day, eliott could see him like that. the bad kind of weird was caused by the fact that he was pretty sure eliott would never see him like that.  

but sometimes, sometimes he thought, maybe… when they go out to a club with everybody and eliott always asks lucas what he wants to drink first, always takes him by the hand and pulls him on the dancefloor, always dances a little bit too close to him, the scent of boy and aftershave and pure eliott heavy in the air as they move to the music, making him feel dizzier than any alcohol could.

or when eliott hosts a movie night and makes sure to get all the snacks lucas likes best, even when bas keeps complaining that ‘salted popcorn is a crime to humanity’.      

and even now, while they are sitting next to each other on lucas’s blanket, he thinks to himself: why does eliott never bring a blanket? why does he always sit on mine and not on someone else’s? but in the end, if he is honest with himself, it’s not enough, not really. those are all signs that eliott is an amazing friend, and that lucas is one of his best friends. all those little gestures are by no means a love declaration.

that fact gets proven once again when eliott starts to talk about a girl he met, lucille.

‘she works in that café i always go to when i need to write; you know? around the corner from my place.’

lucas nods. he does know. he loves to come with him and work on his thesis while eliott works on his own projects. he didn’t realize eliott had been going without him.

‘she’s so nice, i went by on my own this week because i really needed to get some work done, you know, minimal distractions. and when i went to pay my bill, she asked me about what I was working on and we got talking. we ended up exchanging numbers.’

eliott leaned back as he talked, lying on the grass, eyes closed. lucas was grateful for that, giving him some moments to gather his thoughts and get his face together.

‘oh, that’s… great, eliott.’

he knows how he sounds, and he knows that eliott won’t buy it, but he just. he can’t pretend. it stings. this is the moment he has been dreading for so long, in the back o his mind he has been waiting for it, really. the moment eliott would find someone he is interested enough to actually date, not just a quick hook up.

eliott blinks up at him then, raising a hand to shield his eyes when he looks at him. ‘hey, what’s wrong?’

lucas quickly shakes his head, turning away. he bits his lip in a futile attempt to get himself together.

‘nothing.’

eliott kicks his ankle lightly, ‘if this is about me wanting to work without a distraction, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it in a bad way, you’re the good kind of distracting. i just… had a deadline. i’ll make it up to you, i promise.’

a part of him wants to scream, wants to shout ‘can’t you tell that I am in love with you?! that you’re breaking my heart as we speak?’ but a bigger part of him knows that will only fuck up what they have.

‘yoooo lulu!’

sometimes, he really fucking loves bas. like now, for example, when him and arthur come strolling through the park towards their blanket, beer and music on tow.

‘yann texted just now, he’s on his way. how’s it hanging?’ bas high-fives them both before settling down across from them.  

thankfully, eliott changes the subject, telling the boys that lucas was getting cranky because of the lack of beer. it doesn’t take long before arthur and bas jump onto the ‘favorite stories about cranky lucas’ bandwagon, and all is well in world again. if he gets a little more drunk than usual because he feels eliott’s stare linger the rest of the night, he can’t be blamed.

~

when he gets home that night, stumbling and squinting, he falls asleep faster than he has in months. he sleeps a dreamless sleep, and is brutally awoken the next morning by his phone pinging again and again.

rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he reaches for it. his heart beats faster and faster when he sees that it’s eliott.

lucas, i don’t know what i did wrong but i do know that something isn’t okay. this is the first time i feel like you aren’t keeping to our promise. please let me know what’s going on, i hate seeing you like this.

oh god, now eliott thinks he did something wrong. he needs to set this right, now. lucas dials his number immediately.

‘hi’ eliott sounds scratchy and a little nervous.

‘uhm, hi. i’m sorry, i was being an ass yesterday. can we maybe meet up? in say, an hour?’

lucas doesn’t have a game plan, but figures it will come to him when he sees him. it might be time to fess up. the thought terrifies him as much as it sounds like it might be a relieve to finally have it out in the open. get it over with.

‘sure, that sounds good. i’ll come to yours?’

the thought of him opening up to eliott while he is in his own room doesn’t sound like a good idea, he much rather be able to leave when things get awkward.

‘no, uhm, i think it’s better if i come to yours.’

‘okay. i’ll see you soon then.’

he takes a deep breath, quickly gets himself ready, and goes.

~

when he gets to eliott’s apartment, he feels like he’s having an outer body experience. someone is ringing the bell, yet he can’t believe it’s actually him that’s standing there, about to come clean about his feelings.

here goes nothing.

the door opens up almost right away, it’s as if eliott has been waiting on the other side. he’s got dark circles under his eyes, the kind that makes lucas’s hands itch, makes him want to reach out and smooth all the lines and worries out of his face.

‘hi, come on in.’

eliott walks into the living room and sits down on his couch, waiting for lucas to join him. he does.

‘right, so, first of all, I’m sorry for reacting so stupidly yesterday-‘

‘you’re not stupid’

‘please, eliott, it was stupid. and i didn’t say i am stupid, now did i?’

‘okay, okay’

‘as i was saying, i am sorry, i don’t really know how to say this other than to say that i freaked out. i am happy that you met someone you like, eliott, i really am happy or you. i just… i don’t know, it was a lot to take in, i guess.’

‘wait, lucas, i think you got the wrong idea. yes, i met someone, and she is nice, but i don’t like her like that. i just like her because we got some interests in common and it’s nice to talk with someone who knows exactly why i would be thrilled to finish a certain piece of writing.’

oh. oh.

‘oh. i mean. okay, i get that, yeah. wow i feel… really stupid now.’

he feels all his blood rush through his cheeks as he tries to get up.

‘wait’ eliott grabs his arm and gently tugs him back onto the couch, his hand lingering, not letting go. Lucas doesn’t dare to look up at him.

‘can i ask… why was it so hard for you? imagining me falling for someone?’

lucas lets out a big exhale before he forces himself to look eliott in the eyes.

‘are you really going to make me say it?’

eliott looks back at him, a sea of emotions floods his face, ‘i think i really need you to, yes.’ He whispers.

and this is it. the moment he has been dreading but that he can no longer avoid.

‘because i’m in love with you, eliott. crazy, desperately in love. i really don’t want this to ruin our friendship because you’re without a doubt the most important person in my life, so please don’t freak out. but yeah. i’m in love with you.’

he breaks their eye contact when he sees eliott’s panicking look and starts to fidget with the hem of his shirt instead.

‘fuck.’ it comes out in a rush, and lucas hates it, hates hearing eliott like this, hates the fact that he is in this alone, hates everything about this situation.

‘i’m sorry, okay. i understand if you maybe need some time alone or if you want a break from hanging out with me or whatever.’

‘lucas, that is the last thing i want.’

the sureness in eliott’s voice makes him tilt his head up in confusion.

‘it is?’ his voice is fragile, but he doesn’t care, because. maybe.

‘yes, of course it is.’ eliott takes in a deep breath before he continues, ‘i’m in love with you too.’

the words sound foreign to him, like he can’t quite believe it’s real, that eliott truly is telling him he feels the same, but his heart wants it so bad. he can feel his smile take over his entire face.

they look at each other, then, both stunned by the sudden turn of events, before they both burst out into laughter.

‘wow. we really are idiots, huh?’

‘i guess we are.’

he scoots over a little bit until he can feel eliott’s knee against his own, eyes scanning his face until they land on his lips. in the end, he doesn’t know who makes the first move, and in the end, it doesn’t matter. in the end, it’s lucas and eliott, lips sliding together, hands tangling in hair, sparking a new hope inside of him. they’ve got a lot of time to make up for, and as eliott pulls him into his lap, he somehow knows that he is thinking the same thing.