#i am soooooooooooo normal about them. soooo normal about this show.

[alexa-crowe]

— I don’t think I helped. — I don’t know.

EVIL 2.09 | “U Is For U.F.O.”

[canaryatlaw]

alright, so today was a pretty good day. woke up to my alarm at 8:45, which, let me tell you, is soooooooooooo much better than waking up at 7:15, so I am eternally grateful we are going back to three services. got ready, hopped on the bus, took it to the train where I arrived right when a train was pulling in, except it was a train that inconveniently ended it’s route at the stop before where I needed to go to, so I had to wait another 10 minutes for the next train to come, but the weather wasn’t bad so it was all that bad. Walked into church during the start of the 60 second count down they do before the service starts, so perfect timing there. There was one of the ladies from the nursery sitting behind me so I got to talk to her a bit, which was nice. Worship was great as always, the sermon was on forgiveness, and man, it hit me real hard, mostly about my brother, or I guess brothers, but mainly the older one, because it was all really his doing, the younger mostly just went along with it, even if he said some extremely hurtful things to me, I don’t blame him as much because he was never the one to start it. and like, it’s hard because I know all the things that they’re saying were true, that when you don’t forgive someone it becomes a burden on you, not on them, and can build a wall in your relationships, and that forgiveness doesn’t require the person to actually be sorry, but like.....I want him to be sorry, like, so badly. I want him to acknowledge what he did to me was wrong and that he truly regrets doing it- even when I know that’s never going to happen, because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and if I ever tried to bring it up he would laugh in my face and start ridiculing me even more. And like....I don’t want this, but I don’t know what else to do. I *want* to forgive him for all the reasons listed above, but I just don’t know if I can do it yet. I don’t want it to be a defining quality of who I am, but in a lot of ways it is, because it impacted so much of the person I grew up to be- not all negatively, some of it I believe caused me to develop more kindness and compassion towards others, and will to help others, and I don’t know who I would be without those things.....but if I had the chance to take it all back and live the life I would’ve without the abuse.....I would be very tempted to do it. I am, ultimately, happy with the person I am, and I think that person has developed some positive things as a result of my experiences, but I’m not at all convinced I wouldn’t have a better life if it all never happened. A happier life, at least. But dreaming about that doesn’t accomplish anything, because I can’t take it all back and see what that life would be like, I just have the one I’m in now and I have to live with it this way. And most of the time I’m okay with that. I just don’t know if I can get to a true place of forgiveness yet, no matter how much I want to. Sigh. the only other people that came into my head about being mad was my dad for voting for Trump (which is silly and stupid, but I definitely do have some level of resentment against him for that) and the Christian school I grew up in in general, just because they’ve shown themselves to be such shitty people so many times over. But I think I can get a lot closer to forgiving them. Anyway. Service closed out with one of my favorite songs, and then we were done. Today was also the grand opening of the renovated kids space, so they were having a bit of a celebration for that, which included having a freaking donut wall, because my church is soooooo much cooler than yours, lol, so that was pretty great. I ended up in the combined babies and walkers room for the service with one other girl, and we only got two babies so that worked out perfectly. The little girl I had, it was only her second time and she was not very easily soothed, so she was in and out of crying for a bit, she would stop if she got distracted watching what the other baby was doing, but then would eventually start up again, no matter what I tried to do to distract her. She kept saying “mommy mommy” so I knew why she was crying, but at some point I changed her diaper (it wasn’t dirty, just wet) and after that she perked up almost immediately and stopped crying for a good stretch of time, so I guess that helped. Very cute little girl. Then of course at the end of the service and people are coming in and out she started crying again as they often do when they see people coming in who aren’t their parents, but soon enough her parents were there, and we were good. Headed home, when I got off the train the next bus was 14 minutes out, but the weather was pretty so I didn’t bother taking refuge in my normal coffee/donut shop and just sat on the bench waiting for the bus to come. Got home, was having some weird stomach pains that I didn’t know what was about, so I made some ramen because I thought maybe that would help for some reason (comfort food I guess?) then I went to the bathroom and discovered my period had started, which was a big OH movement, because now that makes sense. My period predictor app didn’t have me starting until a week from now, but to be fair it only had one month’s worth of date to predict from so I can’t really fault it there. So I hooked up the period cramp helper thing I got and headed out to the grocery store to buy a spring form pan and a box of cereal, because that’s what I needed. The store was hella crowded, and they only had 10 inch springform pans when I was looking for a 9 inch, but oh well. I got on the obscenely long line for the express check out, I actually counted and there were 11 people in front of me, but thankfully it moved rather quickly so I was out of there in not too long. Got home, then started prepping ingredients for the oreo cheesecake I was going to make, which is from an elaborate joke in the twitter AvaLance group chat that originated in me telling Jess the way Sara was staring lovingly in the promo photos is how she was looking at the cheesecake she was currently eating at my table, and it just kind of spiraled from there, so we’re gonna have cheesecake in celebration of the AvaLance date and kiss tomorrow (which I am soooo pumped about!!). not long after Jess arrived and I started working on the cheesecake, assigning her the crust that was supposed to be made of crushed oreos, and she did a decent job with it despite her lack of cooking skills 😂 (I told her I’m going to teach her how to cook in this friendship in exchange for taking me to cons). The batter wasn’t that hard to make, but then we had to set up a water bath for it which the recipe insisted we do but didn’t actually provide instructions on how to do it, so we had to look those up. Cheesecake goes in the oven for an hour, so I started on the teriyaki chicken I was gonna make for dinner. simple enough recipe, I’m still trying to find a way to cook chicken that actually makes it appetizing to me (haven’t had much success thus far) but tonight’s was decent at least. Once that was ready we moved to the couch and started watching our shows, alternating episodes of Constantine and Mistresses, because we’re gonna meet Matt Ryan next weekend at Wizard World Cleveland, so we need to at least have some idea of what his show is before just bugging him endlessly about legends, Constantine is a truly great character, but like, his show.....not really very good. Not his fault at all, Matt Ryan’s acting is spot on, but the plots are just kind of generic and weak and it just doesn’t do it for me. but we made it through 3 or 4 episodes before just saying fuck it and continuing to watch Mistresses. So we did that until Jess had to go home, then I started getting ready for bed and holy toledo am I tired, it’s 1:30 am and I am going to pass out now. Goodnight babes. Stay golden.