#i am truly invisible to myself sometimes idk why that is either bc that too is really largely invisible

[leesungjongg]

ok i literally dont know how to start this and it’s going to be a mess but idc, i want to say it (and i’ll probably regret it in the far future but w/e). sorry to mobile users. i dont normally make posts like this so this is kind of rare but

sometimes when i have like 50 text messages unread on my phone, i get really, really overwhelmed and i don’t want to talk to anyone. like some days im just like get away from me, don’t touch me, don’t even LOOK at me bc i don’t want to interact with anyone in the world (and this sounds really really mean and not like how i respond to people irl - or even over text anyway - at all)

but that only happens sometimes. (maybe more over the summer tbh.)

most of the time, idk man but i love getting attention from people, because it makes me feel less invisible you know? like oh shit i actually exist and people actually know me and like me and actually want to talk to me. like half the time i’m in my own world, the other half im legit working on homework or some kind of assignment that requires my atttention. 

like today, or like lately, idek why, i’ve been feeling a little down (since like last thursday i think but like lowkey sad, nothing too serious - i think it’s because of stress maybe but also who knows. i’m gonna go talk to my counselor next week so hopefully everything - idek what ‘everything’ even is- clears up by then) and like deadass i see my friends and everytime they come say hi to me or start up a conversation for a short while, my mood instantly boosts up to “i am so happy” and it makes me feel so so nice. i literally don’t know why, but i love seeing them and i love it more when they see me and decide to come by and say hi. 

and this isn’t even limited to people i know irl, like even when someone on here comes and sends me a message, i get really excited just to see what it is (i still get a little overwhelmed because i literally don’t know how long the messages are going to be or how short they’ll be and then im like ugh let’s just look at it and then im like omg this is awesome, i should respond before i forget) 

it’s just like these little things that let me know that ok yes, there are people out there who actually care about me and enjoy talking with me or to me. on one hand, i consider this kind of sad and lowkey pathetic, but on the other, im like ok this obviously means you love and cherish your friends and adore spending time with them, and also, it means you’re human and affection is normal, so how is this a bad thing?

but it’s just something that’s been on my mind recently. i think it’s also because it’s my last year of college and im honestly truly dreading the moment i graduate, or even worse yet, when my friends graduate this December, and im really worried/sad that i won’t be able to see them ever again, and that’s like terrifying. and i hate thinking that all of this is going to end. like as if my happiness has a deadline and it’s the day i graduate and then everything will go to hell and i’ll live the rest of my life being miserable. which ISN’T true, like obviously life has its ups and downs but im thinking back to high school and how i thought everything was okay, but by the time i entered senior year, i hated everyone and i was so so tired. like extremely sick of my classmates and everything and i wanted it all to be over and i was dreading college because i was worried it would be high school but ten times WORSE. except it’s been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and now it’s my last year of college, and i don’t want to leave because i’m scared that once i do leave, no one will contact me ever again and i’ll never see my friends again and i’ll be lonely. and i hate thinking that so so much. because i know everything will be okay eventually, but i don’t want this feeling to end. i love being surrounded by my friends, by people i see in the halls every day and i don’t ever want to leave and it’s a big problem. and i probably really should talk to my counselor about this because i’ve had this worry/stress since last semester (and we worked on that) but now it’s become even bigger and i feel like i’m being strangled. or drowning. either way, it doesn’t feel good. 

i love my friends so so much and i don’t want them to leave and im so frustrated because i get attached so easily and then once my friends leave, i make no effort to reach out to them or hang out with them so it’s like?? what the fuck. idk what im saying anymore. it’s 11:30pm and i told myself that i’d go to bed early tonight but instead im like typing this and i sigh. idek. i just don’t want college to end, because im worried that means i’ll never see my friends again. which isn’t true. i can always hang out with them. but i’ve never done that outside of school. ok that’s a lie, but UGHHHH idek what im sayinggggggg!! this has been a full on rant, but my fave person who created the peer advisory team im on right now told me that vulnerability is okay. so. here i am being vulnerable. 

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[butterccupp]

1-100 do all those questions u posted a long time ago

1. Is a kiss considered cheating? i think it depends? context is everything2. Have you ever faked orgasm? ,,, yes3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be? invisibility maybe? idk maybe mind reading would be cool4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? probably not? i mean hopefully but idk where i will be or what i will be doing5. Tell us some funny drunk story. i have never been drunk yikes6. Why are you no longer together with your ex? just reasons? things weren’t working out7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? SHARK ATTACK8. What are your current goals? idk??? i have a lot but also i don’t really have any9. Do you like someone? u silly10. Who was the last person to disappoint you? myself what’s good :-)11. Do you like your body? very rarely ??? i am v large in many senses and it makes me really self conscious 12. Can you keep a diet? no13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? probably “uhhhhhhh” bc i’m so indecisive and couldn’t think of one thing14. Do you work? i babysit and watch dogs but i don’t have like, a formal job15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? pizza16. Would you get a tattoo? yes there are a few that i want17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? tbh most of mine goes to food and gas18. Can you drive? yes i got my license as soon as i possibly could19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? u tell me all the time babe !!20. What was the last thing you cried for? idk i cry multiple times a day over stupid shit probably bc i was just overwhelmed or sad21. Do you keep a journal? i own lots of journals and i would love to keep one but i’m too inconsistent22. Is life fun? life is what u make of it my dude23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant? yes? everybody does it like ???? wtf24. What’s your dream car? a range rover would be nice, but i also want a big jeep wrangler25. Are grades in school important? idk i mean i have a 5.0 gpa so yes??? but also in the grand scheme of things no26. Describe your crush. brown eyes, curly hair, the most STUNNING smile i have ever seen, cute dimples, u27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? i don’t really remember? i haven’t been interested in a book or movie for a long time rip28. What was your last lie? uhhh last night i told myself i was going to get up and write a speech this morning 29. Dumbest lie you ever told? idk?? i’m not a great liar so nothing too bad30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing? yes but it happens so frequently that i don’t really care anymore31. Something you did and you are proud of? worked my butt off for four years & i’m graduating 2nd in my class32. What’s your favourite cocktail? nothing33. Something you are good at? school34. Do you like small kids? yes my 2 yr old twin cousins are my favorite thing35. How are you feeling right now? tired and overwhelmed. i think frazzled is appropriate 36. What would you name your daughter/son? florence!!!! i lov that name37. What do you need to be happy? minimal stress. u don’t hurt either :’)38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? no i’m not a violent person tbh39. What was the last gift you received? a gift from my kindergarten teacher for graduation40. What was the last gift you gave? i bought the new urban decay palette for my mom today for mother’s day41. What was the last concert you went to? julien baker in pittsburgh42. Favourite place to shop at? like for clothes?? i get a lot of them at tj maxx or marshall’s or target or even charlotte russe43. Who inspires you? my mom, my english teacher, u44. How old were you when you first got drunk? ?????45. How old were you when you first got high? also ???????46. How old were you when you first had sex? 1647. When was your first kiss? 13 maybe ?? it was this boy in my neighborhood bc i was starting to get real feelings for girls and i thought if i kissed him it would fix it. clearly that didn’t work48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? date u :)49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? i wish i wouldn’t have wasted so much time & energy on ppl that didn’t matter50. Post a selfie. idk how to do that in this on the app ??? i guess i could actually post one after this51. Who are you most comfortable around? u52. Name one thing that terrifies you. not being in control of my life, bugs living inside of me, moving water, disappointing the people i love, not meaning anything to people, idk i’m really scared of a lot of things53. What kind of books do you read? memoirs & biographies & nonfiction in general54. What would you tell your 12 year old self? tell your mom how you’re feeling, get into therapy now and maybe things will be easier down the road55. What is your favourite flower? i really like sunflowers and peonies 56. Any bad habits you have? so many, i gnaw my fingers until they bleed it’s pretty bad 57. What kind of people are you attracted to? people named hannah :)58. What was the last thing you cried for? didn’t i already answer this idk it was probably because i was stressed59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? no i’m usually really open to trying foods 60. Are you in love? yes wow61. Something you find romantic? when u rub ur thumb on my face, it’s v small but makes me feel v happy and safe62. How long was your longest relationship? how long have we been dating idk63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? high school girls in particular are v caught up in irrelevant things and like to start useless drama64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? literally everything men just annoy me in general65. What are you saving money for? traveling to london this summer!!66. How would you describe your bad side? i’m very particular and controlling and obsessive and perpetually stressed67. Are you actually a good person? Why? i like to think so68. What are you living for? lots of things69. Have you ever done anything illegal? i mean i’ve probably run a red light once or twice, i’m not a very risky person70. Do you like your body? didn’t i already answer this too?71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? never, i think that’s a pretty shitty thing to do72. Ever sent nudes? yes73. Have you ever cheated on someone? no74. Favourite candy? sour patch kids 75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!@tyegerlily :)76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? no i don’t really play games77. Favourite TV series? the office78. Are you religious? Does God exist? no, yes79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? uhhhh probably the color purple for my junior AP english assignment, i really liked it yes80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? i wish that it was more feasible for me but i just can’t pull it off currently81. How long have you been on Tumblr? only a few months w this blog but like 5 years in total82. Do you like Chineese food? yes83. McDonalds or Subway? subway84. Vodka or whiskey? neither85. Alcohol or drugs? neither86. Ever been out of your province/state/country? i’ve been out of the state, and i’m going out of the country for the first time this summer87. Meaning behind your blog name? it’s something that u call me :’)88. What are you scared of? i already answered this too wtf89. Last time you were insulted? idk honestly90. Most traumatic experience ? my grandma’s death rlly fucked me up, also my experiences w aforementioned first kiss boy91. Perfect date idea? spending time with u!!!!!92. Favourite app on your phone? sandbox it’s a coloring app and it’s v relaxing93. What colour are the walls in your room? ugly brown wood paneling94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? yeah but most of the time it’s just ted talks or vine compilations95. Share your favourite quote. “we all impact the world around us every day. we have to decide what kind of difference we want to make.” or something like that from jane goodall96. What is the meaning of life? i think it’s to make each other’s lives a bit easier97. Do you like horror movies? no they give me panic attacks98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? idk she cried when i came out to her and sometimes she cries if i tell her that my mental health isn’t great99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way? yeah i think i’m a pretty lucky person100. Can you keep a secret? yes