#i came into this show anticipating eventual sharon/andy what is happening

[telemiel]

why does brenda's father emphasize the word "friend" like that when he looks at sharon, i'm wheezing

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Saying Good-Bye To Yesterday-Chapter 9

In this chapter: Andy, Sharon, and Rusty struggle with a difficult case that is hitting close to home. Sharon sees some parallels between how Rusty is feeling in his relationship with Gus and how she felt at the beginning with Jack.

You can read it here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13004092/9/Saying-Good-Bye-to-Yesterday or here:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/15321687/chapters/41186072 or right here

“You know, I really don’t understand it. I’ve been taking the anti-inflammatory pills, I’m doing the exercises they gave me at physical therapy, and it doesn’t hurt anymore, so why do I sometimes still get that tingling in my hand?” Andy looked across the dining room table as if Sharon could give him the answers his doctor couldn’t. Because until that damn tingling went away they weren’t going to allow him back in the field.

“Eventually you will agree with me, that it’s stress.”

“Stress? I don’t feel stress. I mean where would this stress come from?”

“Well, being part of a mass shooting where your friends and colleagues were shot and killed in front of you is pretty stressful, not knowing who is going to replace Taylor is stressful, going across the country with your whole family and meeting your girlfriend’s parents can be stressful, and I am pretty certain that asking someone to marry you can be a little stressful, and---“ She cut off her litany of stress when she heard the door open.

“Rusty?” She’d only seen him briefly that morning at work and when she‘d discreetly questioned him regarding his breakfast meeting with Gus, he‘d simply told her he didn‘t know how to talk about yet.  That, along with his hangdog expression, and general disinterest and disengagement in their case, told her that it hadn’t gone well at all.

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” His voice trailed off as he disappeared down the hall into his bedroom.

Andy took in her worry, along with Rusty’s lack of appetite, and jumped to a different conclusion. “So, uh, did you get a chance to say anything to him yet about the Stroh report?”

“No, no, no. At this point, it’s just conjecture. You  know what, excuse me.” Her boy was hurting and Mama Sharon could not let that go without offering some type of comfort.

Rusty’s door was slightly ajar. She gave a couple knocks and pushed it open to find him sprawled on his back on the bed. Entering his room, she leaned back against the dresser. “What happened with Gus?” She asked.

“I gave him all the reasons I felt it was a bad idea to move in together. I’m still in college, I have law school after that. It will probably be years before I get a real job.”

“And he broke up with you?”

“No, he didn’t. He gave me that big smile of his like it’s always the best day ever, and he said that his new promotion would let him pay for all of our living expenses and then some.”

“And you still said no.”

“Yeah, I did. And then he broke up with me.”

“Is there any other reason why you said no?”

“It just doesn’t feel right. Is that a reason? And also there’s this really loud voice in my head screaming don’t do it.”

A chill of recognition ran through Sharon’s veins. Those same voices had screamed at her not to marry Jack, only she hadn’t listened to them. She’d shoved them aside, ignoring them until it was too late. “Instinct. Ask any cop. Sometimes there’s a shiver that runs up your spine and you have to pay attention to that.”

“But I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love Gus and the idea of never seeing him again makes me sick to my stomach.

“Which is why, once you’ve identified your instinct, then you’ve got to try to figure out where it came from in the first place and see if you can better explain yourself to Gus.”

“I guess. Mom, I don’t mean to be rude, but I think I’d just like to be alone right now.”

Sharon nodded but bent to kiss the top of his head before she left. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

*****

“Everything okay?”  Andy asked when she joined him back at the table.

“Mmmm….” She sat back in her chair, lost in her thoughts.

He eyed the platter of fish that lay between them. “Are you going to eat that?”

“No, I think I lost my appetite.“

Andy speared the last piece of salmon, taking a bite before asking, “So you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“Gus broke up with Rusty.”

“You’re kidding.”

She quirked a brow. “You sound surprised.”

“Well, yeah. I am. I guess I gave the kid more credit than he deserved. I thought he loved Rusty.”

“I think maybe he does.”

“Breaking up with him is a funny way to show it.”

“Hmm…”

“If it is love, it’s immature love. Selfish love. And if that‘s the case, he‘s definitely better off not moving in with him.”

She watched Andy continue to dig into his meal, finally asking, “Would you care to elaborate?”

He set down his fork and pushed his plate away. “Look, I’ve been where Gus is. I had a hard time getting up the courage to ask you to move in with me. When it’s something you want that badly, it’s a risk. But, like I said last night, if you’d said no, that you weren’t ready, I sure as hell wouldn’t have broken up with you. You’re not doing what I want, so I’m going to dump you?“ His face twisted with derision. “How selfish is that?”

She nodded in agreement.

“I‘m not saying I wouldn’t have been hurt or disappointed, but break up with you because you weren‘t on the same timeline as me? Hell no. I mean, seriously, how do you go from one minute wanting to share your entire life with someone to the next minute cutting them completely out of it?”

“I don’t know. Sounds like he’s cutting his losses.”

“Well, I never would have done that. That isn‘t love.“

“I know.” She rested her hand over his with a tender smile. If there was one thing she was certain of in this uncertain world, it was how much Andy loved her.

“I would have just worked even harder to bring you around.”

She lifted the hand she’d covered and kissed the back of it. “I know you would have. You are very stubborn. And very persuasive.”

“You know it. No way was I ever going to lose you.”

“Well, you were never in jeopardy of that happening. And, let’s remember, this is Rusty we’re talking about. Communicating his feelings is not his strong point. Who knows how he responded to Gus.”

“Doesn’t matter. If Gus is ready to move in with him, he ought to know the kid’s baggage by now. I knew yours and I was prepared it.”

“Yes, you were.” She suppressed a smile at the memory. She’d told him they would talk about him selling his house and moving in together over dinner. But, before allowing her a simple yes or no, he’d carefully laid out all the benefits of living together. And, having already anticipated all the questions and concerns she might have, he had his answers in place. For a man who would have been happy jumping right into things, it was clear that he had done a lot of preparation. They were oil and water that way. He was impetuous, while she was all about meticulous planning. The fact that he understood and respected that about her, had warmed her heart and convinced her even more that she was making the right decision.

“And then you surprised me. When you said yes right away, it threw me off my game. I still had a lot of arguments left.”

“Oh, and I ruined that for that you.”

He grinned at the amusement dancing in her eyes.  “Hardly. You made my night.” He’d been so nervous walking into that restaurant. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to eat a thing until he had her answer. When she‘d said yes, it had turned the meal into a celebration.

“Well, I was ready and I wanted to share my life with you as much as you wanted to share yours with me. But, you know, with filling out the annulment paperwork, I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage and I understand how Rusty is feeling right now. Gus is his first love. He‘s terrified of losing him and never feeling that way again, even when every instinct he has is screaming at him that he isn’t ready.”

“You sound like you speak from experience. Is that how you felt with Jack?”

She nodded sadly, with a resigned sigh. “Yes. I knew I wasn’t ready, and I knew I shouldn’t let him pressure me. But, I was so afraid of losing him. Looking back, I know what a red flag that was, but I was so young and so inexperienced. I thought I’d never feel the way I was feeling for him ever again.”

He nodded with understanding. “It’s hard when you’re young to know the difference between selfish love, love, and forever love.”

“Mmm, that‘s the truth… I thought Jack pressuring me to marry him was an indication of his passionate love for me. I thought it was romantic. Now I know it was all about fear and selfishness. He wanted me out here because he didn’t want to be alone, and because he was afraid that he was going to lose me if I went off to Yale and started to work toward my own dreams. Neither of us really trusted the other, and you can’t build a life with a foundation lacking in trust.”

“No, you can’t.” Lack of trust had been a huge issue in his marriage as well.

“What I have with you is so different.” She rose from the table and moved to him, sitting on his lap and cupping his face in her palms. “You‘re my forever love, Andy.”

“And you’re mine. “ His words were muffled against her mouth when she pressed her lips to his in a soft kiss. Then she pulled back, continuing to stroke her fingertips over the planes of his cheeks, her eyes searching his, reading nothing but truth and love in their soft, melted chocolate depths.

“You know, I used to think that kind of stuff was bullshit,“ he said. A few years ago, the term forever love would have had him scoffing and rolling his eyes. “But the things that I feel for you, and the way that I feel about us, it’s not like anything I’ve ever felt for anyone before. Ever. ” He pulled the hand that was stroking his face toward his mouth and kissed her palm with a reverence that caused Sharon’s breath to catch in her chest.

“Oh, God.”

They both gave a start, the romantic moment cut short by Rusty coming around the corner from the living room with a disgusted groan. A few months ago, they might have jumped apart, but now they were comfortable in their relationship and unafraid to show affection in front of others.

Rusty put his head down and made his way into the kitchen, ignoring what was going on in the dining room. “Don’t mind me, I’m just getting a drink.”

“Don’t worry, we won’t,” Andy assured him, holding Sharon in place on his lap when she started to rise.

Although Rusty shook his head as he opened the refrigerator, the little intimate moment was far less compromising than some of the positions he’d caught them in in the past. Still, given the tender state of his heart, witnessing anything romantic hurt.

Sharon’s phone went off where she’d left it near her plate and she rose to answer it. “Hello, Mike.” She listened to what her Lieutenant had to say, responded, and then hung up.

Andy was already on his feet, grabbing for the suit coat he’d discarded when they got home from work. He’d heard enough from her side of the conversation to know where they were going. “Back to headquarters?“

She nodded. “Back to headquarters.”

******

A break had come in their latest case. Money was found. A lot of money. Apparently, their murder victim, Gavin Jacobs, while working for a security company, had stolen computers from his clients and was then using what he found on their hard drives to blackmail them. Mike had been trying throughout the night to get through the encryption and find out what was on his computer, as that would ultimately show them who had the most to gain from his death. Meanwhile, the rest of the team was in the process of interviewing the 13 people who’d had their laptops stolen. Sharon was watching one of those interviews, along with Andy, Andrea, Rusty, Wes and Buzz when  Mike entered the room.

“Captain, we cracked the password on the victim’s laptop, but I just want to say, prepare yourselves.”

Sharon paused mid-rise at those ominous words and sat back down, steeling herself for what was to come. She knew it was going to be bad, not just from Tao’s solemn warning, but by the way Julio was unable to meet her eyes when she entered the murder room. Still, one could never be completely prepared to process the kind of despicable perversion that popped up on the computer screen when Mike hit play. At the first sight of the naked young girl in the midst of a carnal act she should have been years away from partaking in, her stomach fell and clenched.  For a moment, she thought she might be sick. Corpses she could deal with, but this…this…

“Now we know why all the extra effort to protect his files,” Julio stated flatly.

“Oh my God,  how old are those girls?” Amy asked.

“11...12” Mike responded without looking at the screen. He‘d seen more than enough.

“Eh Gods.” Provenza shook his head with disgust and walked away.

Rusty got a glimpse of what was on the screen, then, processing the revulsion on display in the room, he was overcome by a sickening wave of shame. Those girls, they were only a year or two younger than he was when he’d started turning tricks on the street. One guy had even offered him a lot of money to make a video. When he‘d seen the camera, he pretended to go along with it, then when the guy was in the bathroom, he’d run away and lost almost a whole nights pay. That could have been him they were all watching. The very idea of his mother seeing him like that, of having that look that she had right now, a combination of dismay and repugnance, made him want to run. In the past, he would have run, and it took every ounce of strength that he had to remain rooted in the same spot. You can’t run from your past, it follows you wherever you go. Words of wisdom that his mother had been impressing upon him for years.

“Stop, stop, Mike, I’ve had enough.” Sharon closed her eyes with relief when Mike shut the laptop and she didn’t have to watch any more of that filth.

“Gavin has a ton of this stuff on his hard drive.”

Sharon swallowed against the bile that rose in her throat.

“Okay, first we should make sure that neither the victim nor his roommate were depicted in any of these videos or photos. Or their clothes or furniture.”

Sharon could hear Andrea speaking. She understood what she was saying, yet, even although Mike had shut the screen, she was still trying to work through what she’d just witnessed. She took a deep breath. Breaking down over this wasn’t going to get them anywhere. She was a professional, she had to keep it together and nail the pervert who got off on this stuff and the ones profiteering from it. “Mike, call the FBI and tell them what we’ve got here and see if they can help us clarify where these pictures came from.” She walked away, needing to distance herself from those videos.

“Did all this stuff belong to the victim or someone he was blackmailing?” Rusty asked Provenza.

“That‘s what we‘re gonna have to try and find out. Human beings, what a species, huh?”

“Sharon?” Andy glanced up when she paused at his desk. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, um. Just tired.“ She rubbed at her temples. They’d worked right through the night and it was now almost noon. “There’s really nothing more we can do here until the FBI goes through everything. I think we should go home and get some sleep.”

“It has been a long night,” he agreed.

“You want to stop and get some lunch?” She asked as they got on the elevator. The bagels and coffee Wes had brought them at 6:30 am had long since worn off.

“No. After watching that crap I don’t have much of an appetite,” Andy said. “I think I just want to get a few hours of shut-eye. You?”

“I’m good.”

*****

Back at the condo, they were both too tired to do much more than strip off their clothes and slip under the covers in their underwear, falling sound asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow. When they awakened almost six hours later, it was dark in the bedroom.

“You gonna take a shower?” Andy asked when the alarm went off.

“No, I’m too tired to deal with drying my hair tonight. I’ll take one in the morning.”

“Me too.”

Sharon swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a moment in her bra and panties, yawning and stretching her limbs. Her stomach gave a little rumble of distress, causing Andy to chuckle.

“I’m hungry too,” he admitted.

“Mm…” she hummed. “What do you want to do for dinner? I thawed out some chicken and we have spaghetti squash. We could do something with that and make a small salad to go with it. Or, we could just make some tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.”

“Tomato soup and grilled cheese sounds good to me, I don’t feel like really cooking.”

“Me either. Comfort food it is.“

They got dressed in comfortable lounging clothes, Sharon pinned her hair back from her face, and they went out to make dinner. Rusty arrived home in time to eat with them and then they all settled in the living room, Rusty doing schoolwork, while Andy and Sharon worked on their case. Andy was getting himself a drink when his phone rang. Sharon heard the end of the conversation when he came out of the kitchen.

“I don’t envy you. Yeah, well, thanks Mike, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Andy clicked off his phone and approached the couch where Sharon was seated making notes on a legal pad. He knelt on the carpet behind her. “That’s Tao. He’s sitting with the FBI taskforce combing through the database looking for similar material and they’re only halfway done.” Sharon inhaled deeply and looked to the heavens. She could only imagine what Tao was going through having to watch hour upon hour of those horrific videos and pictures. After less than a minute, she’d been very close to vomiting.

“So far no furniture or clothing that match anything belonging to Jacobs or ‘wigged out’.”

“Could someone have killed the victim for collecting child porn?” Rusty asked.

“Most likely Gavin found it on one of the computers he stole and was extorting the owner for large sums of money.” Sharon continued to write her notes while she spoke. It helped her to get her thoughts out before they slipped away.

“Just possessing that kind of trash you could end your life in prison,” Andy said.

“Okay, well don’t get me wrong, those pictures and those videos, they were beyond disgusting, obviously, but if the suspect didn’t make them---”

“No, no, no,” Andy cut him off. “It doesn’t work that way. Trading in kiddie porn creates a market to abuse more children.”

“And the problems don’t end with molestation,” Sharon added. “Sexually assaulted children usually take years to process the experience, and then the trauma can be triggered again by situations that emotionally they feel is similar.

“Emotionally similar?” Rusty’s heart skipped a beat, suddenly he got it.

“Yes.” Sharon’s eyes narrowed and lasered in on Andy rubbing his hand. He stopped as soon as he saw she was watching. She knew it was tingling---and that he was trying to hide that from her.

“You should come to yoga with me this weekend,” she said, setting her legal pad down beside her on the couch.  

He rolled his eyes.

“Don’t give me that look. The doctor said it’s good to stretch it out.”

“He also said massage might help.”

“Yes, he did.” She fought a smile at his hopeful tone.

“Well, if I’m weighing in between yoga or a Sharon Raydor special neck massage, guess which one I’m going to choose?”

“You’re nothing if not predictable.” She rose, stretched her muscles out, then reached for his hand. “Come on, I’ll give you the massage. Tomorrow’s going to be another long day. Good-night, Rusty.”

“’Yeah, night kid.”

“Um…Yeah... Good-night.”

*************

Andy rolled over in bed and looked at the clock. 3:00 am. Sharon had been gone for over a half hour. Shoving the blankets off, he sat on the side of the bed rubbing his hand through his hair. It had been a rough night. He’d felt her tossing and turning from the moment they shut the lights off, and this time not because of a hot flash. He knew when she had those. She ’d roll away from him, stick a bare leg out, or kick off the covers, only to shiver and pull them back up after only a minute or so. “That’s why they call them flashes,“ she said when he questioned how quickly she went from hot to cold. This was different. And he knew why. Because he wasn’t finding it any easier to sleep than she was.

He found her in the living room, sitting in the dark staring into space, a cup of tea and a discarded book beside her on the end table.

“Sharon?”

She looked up at him with a little smile, holding out her hand. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“No.” He bent to kiss her forehead, before kneeling beside her chair. “I rolled over and you weren’t there. But I couldn’t sleep either.”

“I know.” She’d heard him sigh a couple times and reposition himself, which wasn’t like him. Andy wasn’t a restless sleeper. “It’s just. Every time I close my eyes I keep picturing those little girls.”

“Me too. I see Nic at that age, snuggling in bed with her stuffed animals, not with…well.”

Sharon nodded, tears welling in her eyes. She’d thought of Emily too, her little ballerina, and the shattering of innocence. Thankfully, their daughters had never experienced that kind of abuse. But one of her son’s had.

“I can’t stop thinking about Rusty. I’ve tried really hard not to dwell on the life that he lived in those crack houses with his mother and then out on the streets. But, when I think about what those men did to him, the kinds of things that he was subjected to when he was just a little boy…it just….Oh, God…  Andy, it breaks my heart.” She lost the tenuous hold she had on her tears and covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking with soft sobs.

Andy rose, gently pulling her over to the couch where he could hold her in his arms. Nothing he could do or say could change, or make her feel better about what happened to her boy, so he didn’t try. He just held her until she stopped crying.

“I’m sorry,” she said blotting at her eyes with a little sniffle when he handed her a tissue. It wasn’t the first time she’d cried over Rusty, but it was the first time she‘d allowed herself to cry with someone else. For years she’d put on a brave face, hiding her pain over the nightmare of his childhood and forcing back the fury she so often felt toward the mother who had neglected, abused and finally abandoned him. But sometimes it had proven to be too much, and alone in her bed at night, she’d wept for him.

“Sweetheart, there’s nothing to be sorry about. Bottling everything up isn’t healthy.”

“I guess it just caught up with me. Some cases do that.”

“They do. This is the kind of shit that used to send me into a bottle.”

She looked up, a flash of worry crossing her face. “Do you need to go to a meeting?”

Her concern left him feeling warm all over. “No, I’m okay,” he said while brushing a tendril of hair back off her face. “Sometimes all it takes is having someone to talk it out with.”

“You know I’m always here for you, Andy.“ She toyed with the hem of his t-shirt, the way she did when she was nervous or uncomfortable. “But if you need more than I can give you. If you need a meeting. I want you to know that I understand.”

“I know you do. And I appreciate that more than you can ever know.”

Not many people really understood the importance of AA in his life. For a long time, there had been his job and AA, and not much else. The program had changed that for him. It had given him his life back. It had saved his job, several friendships, and most importantly his relationship with his daughter. And, without AA, there was no way he would be sitting here today in the most profound, amazing relationship he’d ever had in his life. Because without AA, he wouldn’t have Sharon. AA had given him back his dignity. It had allowed him to examine, understand, and accept his past. It had given him the courage to apologize to all those he had hurt with his bad behavior and was there to support him when not all his amends had been met with grace, but instead, with bitterness and skepticism. Best of all, it had enabled him to become a better man and to have hope for a better future. It had been his lifeline. And now, 20 years into his sobriety, it was allowing him the opportunity to give back and help others going through what he’d gone through. Not everyone understood that. Certainly not many of the women he’d dated over the years, and definitely not his ex, but Sharon did. She understood him and saw things in him that nobody ever had.

“You think you can get some sleep now?” He asked, when he saw her yawn, her head falling sleepily against his shoulder.

“I do.” She placed a sweet kiss on his rough jaw before rising and following him into their bedroom, feeling much lighter than when she’d left. After so many years on her own, she’d grown used to keeping her emotions to herself. And for the most part, she was okay with that.  She was strong and confident in her abilities to handle whatever was thrown at her. But, she’d almost forgotten how nice it was, how comforting, to have someone to share her feelings with. Someone who was there in the middle of the night when things always seemed so much worse than in the light of day. Someone who could understand, and, even when there was nothing he could say or do to help, simply hold her and make her feel less alone.

It felt good.

*****

“I didn’t molest anybody. I’m the victim here. I was molested as a kid. I didn’t know how to talk to anybody about it. I…I tried to keep it a secret. How do you tell someone you’ve been sexually abused?”

They had their suspect. Dean Lewis, a young adult author of all things. Now he was trying to explain himself, explain why he had a laptop filled with child pornography, and Rusty was finding that his excuses were hitting a little too close to home. His head down, sick to his stomach, he listened to the rest of the plea bargain, listened to Dean’s lawyer accept Andrea’s terms with the promise to expose every child pornographer he’d come into contact with.

“I don’t want to hear any more of this.” If Julio had his way Dean would be on his way to the electric chair right now, and he’d be happy to flip the switch.

“Well, nobody wants you in there with the guy anyway,” Provenza said.

“Yeah, you can help Provenza and me file the report. It’ll take hours,” Andy said, following Provenza and Julio out of the interview room.

Sharon turned to Rusty who was still looking a little green around the gills. “And that means you’re free to go,” she said. “Andrea won’t need you anymore tonight.”

“Well, I might as well wait for you. I don’t really have anywhere else to be.”

“I wonder if that’s true.”

Rusty watched her leave the room. Situations that felt emotionally similar. That’s what she’d said to him last night. Was that why he was reacting so strongly to Gus wanting to move in with him and to this case? Because he’d been molested too?

Before Sharon, before Dr. Joe, he never would have used that term for what he’d gone through. Back when he’d first moved in with her, Sharon had referred to him as a victim, had implied that he’d been raped, and he‘d lashed out at her. He wasn‘t a victim. He‘d been in charge of his life. After all, he was the one who’d gone out on the street soliciting men. He’d asked for it, right? At the time, he’d thought so. But now, after years of therapy, he understood more. Sharon was right. He had been a victim. A survivor. After years of having to take care of himself and his mother, he might have felt like an adult, but at only 13 when he’d been abandoned, forced to live on his own and to try to find a way to survive, he really was just a child. Sure, he’d had other choices. He could have gone into foster care. But, back then, he’d been so sure that his biological mother would return for him, the last thing he wanted to do was disappear into the foster care system.

Yet, that interview with Dean had him thinking hard about what might have happened to him if Sharon hadn’t taken him in. What if she hadn’t offered him unconditional love, along with food, shelter and an education? What if she hadn’t pushed through his resistance and gotten him the counseling that he now knew he’d needed with Dr. Joe? Where would he be today? Dead. Maybe. But what scared him more than that, scared him down to the very marrow of his bones, was Dean Lewis. Could he have become like Dean?

He knew the statistics. A few years ago when he was looking for a stamp, Sharon had told him to look in her desk drawer. In the drawer, he’d seen a book she was reading, “When Your Child Has Been Molested: A Parents Guide to Healing and Recovery.“ His heart hammering, he’d opened it.  She had highlighted several passages. He read one on suicide rates and another that had stated that boys who were sexually abused, particularly if they came from a home with severe maternal neglect and violence, often turned out to be abusers themselves. He’d slammed the book shut, closed the drawer, and tried to forget what he’d read. Now he couldn’t help but wonder… Could he have turned out like Dean Lewis if Sharon hadn’t come along? He owed almost everything he was today to Sharon, his mother, and he wasn’t quite ready to let that go yet. Despite his façade of bravado, inside he was still a mass of insecurities. Somehow, he knew he had to fix that, to finish his healing process before he could completely give himself to someone else. And to do that he needed to stay right where he was. He probably should have articulated that better to Gus, but until now, he hadn’t completely realized what had been holding him back.

When Gus had offered to pay for everything if they moved in together, it had spent him spiraling into a tailspin and he hadn‘t been able to think straight. He’d worked so hard to change his views on sexuality, to divorce the things he’d done as a boy that felt so dirty and shameful, from the relationship he was in today as a young man. He hadn’t even realized how warped his views about sex were until Sharon had tried to help him see the difference.

One night, before Andy had moved in, after telling Sharon that he’d be out late with TJ, he’d come home to find the door to her bedroom ajar. He‘d heard his mother‘s soft moans and the deeper rough groans coming from Andy, along with the tell-tale thumping of the bed. The kind of obscene sounds and behavior that he’d experienced with his biological mother but had never associated with Sharon. He’d thought she was above all that. Later, when he‘d expressed that sentiment to her, Sharon had been appalled by his views. She’d tried to explain to him that sex was not supposed to be a transactional act or one that left a person feeling degraded, that at it’s best it was a physical joining meant to express love and give pleasure. At the time he’d been embarrassed by the conversation. No kid liked to talk about sex with their mother, especially after knowing she’d just been having sex. But it was a conversation that had stuck with him because it had helped him to look at sex in a totally different way.

Then he’d met Gus and they’d become intimate, and that sure hadn‘t been easy. There were a lot of emotions he’d had to work through and he knew there were times he tried Gus‘s patience. But it was difficult to change gears, to view an act that he’d dreaded and detested to one that was supposed to express love. But he was working through it and slowly things were getting better. Then, out of the blue Gus had thrown this curveball at him, asking him to move in with him, then offering to pay for everything when he’d said he couldn’t afford it. Suddenly, in an instant, his past had flooded back, washing over him, drowning him in waves of humiliation and self-disgust. He couldn’t allow Gus to be one of those men, paying for his services. He just couldn’t.

And now he’d done as his mom had requested. He’d identified his instinct, figured out where it came from, all that was left was to explain it all to Gus and hope for the best.

TBC