#i can hold out til october like its still functional

[rigginsstreet]

i think im gonna have to ask for a new laptop for my birthday this year...

[maggot-pie]

some time

I remember when I was aching;

was it because it was getting cold?

Or because of the loss and grief I felt?

I couldn’t tell

but it became hard to feel completely myself.

I’d have many dreams of him and I;

we were disconnected in every one.

For months, every night I’d go to bed,

knowing I’d see him in some form,

& I’d wake up unrested, often in tears.

Though reminders of him weren’t only in my sleep;

he haunted my waking hours too

because I could not forget

nor could I forgive.

Pain still burned my chest

& made me gag,

my stomach churned-

fuck it was bad.

How I felt was not something new

but the quantity of the unforgiving waves

was almost unbearable.

Death reared its head in my life,

of someone very important to me.

She helped raise me,

despite her pain.

While I watched what she went through,

she was there for me

while my father was absent

& the times my mother was taken away from me.

With change being inevitable,

I had to swallow my grit

& say goodbye for the last time.

Those months went by

& I made myself productive

with a tool I had learned very well;

high functioning anxiety.

To my surprise,

there was someone new

that I met by accident

on an October night.

I knew I couldn’t be present,

I was still hung up...

I was afraid

that I would hurt them.

I wasn’t ready

& even with my honesty,

they didn’t respect me either.

Without warning,

they read me poetry of their lost love

as if I was someone to share it to.

When I set a boundary,

they did what they wanted to anyway.

They checked out other women

while I was with them,

called me old when I told them I couldn’t do this,

then told me they loved me within 10 days of meeting me

in a sad effort to make me stay.

It triggered a memory of someone in my past

that did that same thing in a much shorter time

among other things that I will not mention.

The audacity of that disrespect,

their inability to even realize their wrongs

upon other things that I will not mention;

I couldn’t tell them that I just wasn’t interested,

that I was actually quite disgusted.

I told them we could be friends

but they denied that completely.

I couldn’t handle

such a selfish person,

so I left

& hurt them anyway.

-

The time I knew him

was about a year,

a whirlwind romance

that swept me up & kept my heart full

til it didn’t.

It was more than a year ago,

& the memories don’t hurt so much anymore.

I think I am ok now.

We became friends

who at the same time,

became lovers

though he refused to call us together.

I really did love him.

The way we laughed when we shared our stories,

the way we cried when we shared our pain,

the things he did to show he cared,

the things I knew that meant a lot.

I thought we were the same

& maybe that was why it was so easy for me

to love who he was;

his mind,

his heart,

his soul.

I knew kindness in him,

while others saw him selfish.

I knew youth & innocence,

while others saw him childish.

I knew goodness in him,

while others thought he lacked.

But after awhile, he did not want me

the way I wanted him.

He did not love me

& that was a hard one to swallow.

I take responsibility

for being insecure,

for taking his unkind words to heart,

for having him see me go through a fucked up time,

for having him deal with my erratic emotions

because of something I could not control,

because something had broken me,

because I was thrown into something so unexpected

that made me forget my strength,

forget my hardships,

amplified my insecurities,

& put my anxiety on overdrive.

It took me so far away from myself

when I know what I’ve been through,

where I’ve been,

& who I am.

To him, I am so sorry for those things,

but only

those things.

In the end, with all the things that happened,

in my right mind, I have a good memory-

in a sad mind, it’s even better.

It makes things hard to forget,

it makes pain hard to forgive.

We had a strong connection at the start

which became broken in an ugly way;

an awful tug of war

that neither of us won.

Maybe we met at the wrong time

or we were just wrong altogether.

He hid his feelings from everyone,

so it shouldn't have been

such a surprise

when he started hiding them from me.

The push and pull,

the constant changing of his mind,

he couldn't make a decision

& it made me very sick.

That decision between his false freedom

& my true liberation;

to me, it was an easy choice

but he made it seem very hard.

In the end, with all the things he said-

all the insensitive things,

all the gross & selfish things,

all the petty & thoughtless things,

he showed me where his mind was

& where his heart actually lied.

In the end,

he did not treat me like an equal.

He chose to treat me as if I was nothing,

he chose to treat me as disposable.

I was a vessel for his secrets,

a guarded place for his mind

but after awhile,

he did not treat my feelings as if they mattered

& because he did not treat me as a friend,

as an object

or a lover,

I did not know who I truly was to him.

He kept accusing me of infidelity,

of dishonesty

when I’ve grown up watching

how it destroyed people I love.

(When he shared that part of his past,

I asked if he thought if he was undeserving

& his answer revealed a true part of him

that the rest of him denied.

When he said he wasn’t a typical sign,

that he wasn’t manipulative

that he wasn’t vengeful,

when the things he said and did,

not just to me but to someone he called his friend,

to someone in his past,

not that he wasn’t without hurt

or that he was without reason,

they were exactly that.)

When he refused to even call us together,

when he kept having second

& third

& fourth

& more thoughts,

it made me assume the same.

I will admit

there was someone from my distant past

who contacted me asking how I was.

I replied to them

& even so without desire,

it didn’t feel right

but even so, I still did

because of all the disgusting things he said.

His wit could not control his mouth

& his moves were ruled by self-centered means.

His heart had made him a fool

so his mind told him that I was an enemy.

When his mind told him not to trust me,

he pushed me further away.

When his soul no longer recognised mine,

I stopped recognising his too.

When his actions contradicted his words,

his words contradicted his actions.

When his actions cut deeper,

when they reopened old wounds,

I started to expect

the thoughtlessness,

the laziness,

the lack of decency.

He forced me to see the sides

that everyone else saw,

& the connection we shared

was lost.

He said to never leave anyone behind,

but he did not lead by example.

Leaving you in the past

is the same

as letting me down

& making me feel small

& letting your demons rage so far inside you

& changing your mind as if my feelings were invalid,

& allowing insensitive, lustful, inconsiderate jealousy in my life,

It’s the same

as when I needed you most, I chose the comfort of that someone else

because of a mistake that you chose to do

when you accused me of the very same thing,

when you fucking knew that it was wrong

& then you chose to treat me as if I was the one to blame.

I don’t know if you ever realized

how much you made it clear

that I didn’t matter to you

when you were the first to say

you’d be there for me.

You can tell me

that you didn’t mean to be that way,

that you didn’t mean to make me feel like that,

that you apologize,

but without changed behaviour,

your sorries will always mean nothing

& you deserve no place in my life.

Things were done,

things were said,

things that can’t be taken back,

things that I’m sure we can't forget

& can't erase.

I tried to change

to tend his wants,

to fit his needs,

& all it did

was take a part of me away instead.

I tried not to judge

or hold hard feelings

but it proved to be very hard

& eventually,

every time I looked at him,

those ugly parts were all that I saw.

He forgot to respect my heart,

he forgot to respect my mind,

& for awhile,

I let him keep a firm hand on my soul.

Even though I tried reassuring,

though I told him I’d be there,

though I thought we were twins,

because of his past trauma,

because he kept choosing a past person,

because he chose a life of fake people;

people he had problems with,

people he had evil eyes from,

people he couldn’t seem to let go

because for some reason,

longevity over genuinity

mattered and meant more.

He did not trust me to hold his heart,

to take good care,

to keep it safe,

so he helped tear my own to pieces.

He was made of flames

& coarse salt;

I could not breathe.

Left an awful taste in my mouth

that I could not rid,

& no water cured

for he was water too.

But I’ve learned how to swim,

for he did not break me,

for I remembered my strengths,

for I am water too;

a cold drink on a hot day.

I am air & a hurricane,

I am earth, I make the ground shake,

I am shards of everlasting glass,

I AM flames & coarse salt;

I have burned that bridge

with much remorse,

with many thanks,

with definite loss but more I’ve gained,

with only love left inside of me

& I have never felt so free

[santtechgq-blog]

The PCs of IFA 2012: Hybrid PCs for a half and half working framework Sony, Asus, Samsung, Dell, and Toshiba indicate how OEMs are managing Windows 8.

The Windows-related declarations are flying quick and thick from the IFA gadgets appear in Berlin this year. We've effectively investigated HP's offerings and a portion of the Windows RT gadgets, yet there's still a considerable measure of ground to cover. Taking a gander at all of these items without a moment's delay demonstrates us not exactly what the store racks will resemble this Christmas season, additionally how PC OEMs are reacting to Microsoft's basic reevaluating of how Windows ought to function. Windows 8 utilizes touch to reclassify the working framework for better or for more awful, and similarly, touch components are likewise rethinking what we can anticipate from our PCs in the following couple of years.

Sony

The primary PC we'll take a gander at is a convertible PC from Sony, the Vaio 11 Duo. The Duo has a 11.6" 1080p screen that slides into and out of tablet mode, and also a stylus and digitizer to empower penmanship bolster. It incorporates Ultrabook-class Core i3, i5, and i7 processors, Intel coordinated design, NFC innovation, and either 128GB or 256GB strong state drives. Notwithstanding being a convertible, the PC relinquishes some of its utility as a portable workstation to be a superior tablet—the console looks cramped, and it renounces a standard trackpad for a directing stick-style mouse (however there are some who might contend this is really a positive change). The convertible will be accessible toward the finish of October at an up 'til now undisclosed cost, which will be a typical hold back all through this present roundup.Sony's second section is an across the board with a contort: its Tap 20 is a 20", 1600x900 touch-empowered across the board when the kickstand is out, however it will likewise lay level on a table, and incorporates a battery that will enable it to be utilized as a colossal tablet when wanted. This is an intriguing use case not by any means conceivable with the other holding nothing back ones we'll take a gander at, a large portion of which are quite recently standard PCs with touchscreens connected—I could see the Tap 20 being extraordinary for touch-empowered prepackaged games, for instance. Something else, the equipment in the Tap 20 is obvious: Ivy connect i5s and i7s, coordinated illustrations, and NFC go with the typical allocation of remote availability alternatives, ports and card perusers, and the webcam.

Samsung

Samsung is shooting a veritable shotgun impact of items at the market: to start with, you have the standard PCs with touchscreens. The Series 5 Ultra is a 13.3" 1366x768 esteem arranged Ultrabook with a touchscreen, Core i3 and i5 processors, and mechanical hard drives with little SSD reserves. Beside the touchscreen, these portable PCs ought to be extensively like the current Series 5 Ultrabooks. The touch renditions will begin at $799 for a Core i3 processor, or $849 for a Core i5.Next up are the Series 5 and Series 7 holding nothing back ones, which we've effectively touched upon quickly in an exchange about Samsung's misguided "Begin Menu" simulacrum. The Series 5 is a 21.5" across the board with a 1080p show, Core i3 processor, and incorporated design that will begin at $749, while the Series 7 comes in two flavors. The first is a 23.6" model with a 1080p screen, a Core i5 processor, and incorporated illustrations for $1099. The second is a 27" display with a 1080p screen, a Core i7 processor, an AMD Radeon HD 7850M GPU, and a beginning cost of $1699. The majority of the holding nothing back ones are outfitted with turning hard drives.Lastly, we are very brave 8 tablets to join the Windows RT tablet we discussed yesterday. These tablets have diverse names relying upon where you live: the Series 5 Slate, known as the ATIV Smart PC in different parts of the world, is a 11.6" tablet with a 1366x768 show, Intel Atom processor, and 64GB SSD that begins at $649 without a console dock or $749 with one. The Series 7 Slate, otherwise called the ATIV Smart PC Pro, is a 11.6" 1080p tablet with a Core i5 processor, 128GB SSD, and a beginning cost of $1199 with an included console dock—the Core i5 adds a lot to the cost, yet the Series 7 Slate is only 0.12" thicker and 0.24 pounds heavier than the Series 5. Basic to both tablets is Samsung's S Pen and digitizer, last found in the Galaxy Note 10.1 and Galaxy Note II.

The Series 5 Slate is fascinating in light of the fact that it gives us our first estimating data for Windows 8 tablets with Atom processors—while we don't yet know how Windows RT tablets will be valued, if the Series 5's $649 beginning cost is normal, the ARM tablets will have no less than a touch of breathing space to begin with.

Asus

Contrasted with Samsung, Asus has a moderately little appearing of gadgets. The first is the Vivo Tab, an Intel-prepared adaptation of the Vivo Tab RT—it used to be known as the Tablet 810. It utilizes a 11.6" show with a 1366x768 determination, an Intel Atom processor, and 64GB of eMMC stockpiling. The Intel adaptation incorporates a stylus and a Wacom digitizer, and a console dock will give additional USB ports, a console and trackpad, and additional battery life as well.Asus' different Windows 8 offering is a change of one of its current Zenbook Ultrabooks, the UX21A Touch. This 11.6" Ultrabook incorporates a 1080p IPS show like the 13" non-touch rendition we as of late audited, alongside Core i5 and i7 processors and 128GB and 256GB SSDs, yet includes a touchscreen where the past UX21A had none. We don't yet know any evaluating points of interest, in any case.

Dell

Dell's fresh out of the box new passage in the Windows 8 shred is its XPS Duo 12, another convertible PC that packs Ivy Bridge Core i5 and i7 processors. Where Sony's Vaio Duo 11 slides amongst tablet and portable PC mode, the XPS Duo 12 has a 12" 1080p LCD that you flip over before shutting the top to place it into tablet mode—there are magnets that keep the screen set up when it isn't being flipped. The outcome is something that looks more like a standard portable workstation than either the Sony unit we've as of now observed or the Toshiba convertible we'll find in a minute, both of which have odd pivots subsequently of their double nature. No evaluating data has been uncovered for the XPS Duo 12, however it ought to discharge toward the finish of October alongside Windows 8.Dell is likewise accepting the open door to help us to remember its XPS One 27 touch-empowered across the board, which has been accessible with Windows 7 for a couple of months. Dell isn't the main OEM with an across the board that it's re-propelling with Windows 8—Lenovo's touch-empowered IdeaCentre A720 and Toshiba's LX835 are among the as of now delivering frameworks that will be given a lift by a working framework intended to take better favorable position of their screens. The XPS One 27 is right now accessible with Ivy Bridge processors, either Intel's coordinated HD Graphics 4000 or a NVIDIA GeForce GT 640M, and a 27" 2560x1440 show. Costs begin at $1399.

Toshiba

Toshiba's just shiny new declaration is its new Satellite U925t convertible Ultrabook, which we really got our hands on amid a meeting with Toshiba prior this week. Like Sony's Vaio 11 Duo, the U925t's 12.5" 1366x768 screen slides amongst tablet and portable PC mode as opposed to flipping like Dell's convertible, however it figures out how to fit one of Toshiba's full-estimate portable workstation consoles and a trackpad underneath the screen, as opposed to Sony's truncated variant. It incorporates a Core i5 processor and a 128GB strong state drive, and will be accessible on October 26 (however evaluating data, of course, is MIA).Toshiba additionally has two existing PCs that are getting the Windows 8 touch treatment: the first is its LX835 across the board, a 23" 1080p touch-empowered PC that has as of now been transportation with Windows 7 for a couple of months with a value beginning at around $900—as with Dell, Toshiba is accepting the open door to "relaunch" the framework with Windows 8 introduced. The second is the Satellite P845t, a touchscreen variant of its present 14" 1366x768 P845 portable PC. Valuing data for the touch-empowered adaptation hasn't yet been uncovered, however the non-touch variant incorporates a Core i5 processor, coordinated representation, and turning hard drive for about $800.

Toshiba rushed to call attention to that even on its non-touch PCs, it would dispatch drivers to permit their multitouch trackpads to utilize Windows 8's implicit motions. The portable workstations I got the chance to try different things with were utilizing Synaptic trackpads with exceptionally late drivers that did without a doubt react to essential motions like swiping from the correct edge of the trackpad to conjure the Charms menu or swiping from the left edge to switch between running applications. Given the sheer number of organizations that utilization Synaptics trackpads, bolster for these signals ought to at any rate be conceivable on an extensive variety of PCs without touchscreens.

Conclusions

What we've seen so far at IFA has emphasized what we as of now observed at Computex recently: mid-range and top of the line PCs are grabbing touchscreens all at once, and they're falling into three essential classes. To start with are the straight tablets, which are fundamentally planned for use without anyone else however frequently accompanied console docks or cases. Second are the convertible PCs, which are fundamentally Ultrabooks that overlay down into thick tablets as important. Third are the standard PCs that have some kind of token touch bolster worked in—this appears as portable workstations or holding nothing back ones with capacitive touchscreens, however it could likewise apparently reach out to any PC with a multitouch trackpad that backings Windows 8's new trackpad signals.

The most interesting outlines are the ones that truly play into Windows 8's half breed nature: the convertible PCs and the tablets with console docks appear to be the best prepared to convey Microsoft's vision without bounds, wherein you discard both your tablet and your portable PC for one gadget that can do it all. Windows 8 is an odd, across the board working framework that isn't exactly similar to anything from its rivals, and the best PCs to run it on will be gadgets that recognize that reality.