#i can't close my eyes and truly visualize shit

[yardsards]

anyone else with aphantasia sometimes gain the ability to visualize things but ONLY in the moment like RIGHT before you fall asleep when your thoughts get all blurry and abstract and your senses start fading?

or is that just related to how sometimes if i'm sleep deprived enough i will start having very vivid lucid dreams before my body actually fully falls asleep

[rockatanskette]

Okay, but if humans are space orcs, then humans in their teens and twenties are whatever the supercharged version of an orc is and that's actually super interesting. Like, a milestone of our development is doing dumb shit to impress our friends and caring way too much about our appearances and rebelling against our caregivers (not that these ever truly vanish, but they do tend to be more pronounced by age group). Sure, little kids have their own share of space orcish tendencies, but to become a teenager is to fully embrace the orcish experience—we recognize becoming brash, rebellious, courageous idiots (i speak as one) as a key stage in becoming a healthy adult.

I especially like the idea of aliens being askance at the small rebellions or explorations, because I was a very timid, approval-seeking teenager and even I pushed my boundaries. Like sure, humans like to breathe nitrous oxide and then jump off of buildings into reservoirs of water, that's standard human behavior. But even the docile ones change themselves if you look close enough! You know Diplomat Ivanov's child? You can't tell with the naked eye because their visual color spectrum is different than ours, but she actually used an ammonia agent and a solution of pigment to change the color of her hair!—those are the fibers that grow from their heads. She risked breathing in ammonia just for aesthetics! And I thought she was one of the sensible ones.

[countlessrealities]

@voxmedia-billsans45 sent:

[[The following picture presentation is brought to you by the VoxMedia Broadcast Network! (powered by VoxTek!) TRUST US with your entertainment!]]

It was around a few days after the recent extermination attempt by the leader of the angelic army, the entire Hotel has been rebuilt into a larger, more stunning tower-like structure! Demons and overlords are still in disarray. Word has it that the Vees are steadily expanding their large entertainment empire, taking full advantage of the chaos and disarray behind the scenes! Though in a place like the underworld, was chaos NOT to be expected?? One could argue that the "chaotic" nature of this city has sort of..."escalated" since the events of a few days ago, and at present?...Hell's number one multi-media entrepreneur is now broadcasting via his assortment of various Television systems! Vox always enjoys jumping into the spotlight at the most opportune moment.

[["Greetings! WELCOME and TOP OF THE HOUR my fair-yet-maliciously driven malcontents! and welcome back to yet another ENTHRALLING feature presentation! or as WE on the VoxMedia Broadcast Network-(brought to you by VoxTek)-like to call our show--!"]]

[[--"VOX-2-NIIIIITE~!"]] The TV headed mastermind behind VoxTek and the Vees SKIDS across the show-stage! holding his lapel in his fingers with a look of cheery excitement across his on-screen face display! He seemed...a lot more cheery than usual, if one had been mistaken...one could swear he was in FAR great a mood...what in all the seven rings of hell could possibly be the occasion for such pep and energy??

[["But before we begin the show I know your all just DYING to see! our TOP STORY TONIGHT! Alastor the RADIO DEMON! missing in action??...or RAN with his tail stricken between his two twigged tinglers?? STICK AROUND my subservient viewers because this is a story that'll be SURE to know your BOOTS into embers!!~"]]

An awkward silence falls over the duo as Vaggie comes to an abrupt stop, almost causing Alastor to bump into her, as her attention is stolen by the broadcast played on the TVs of a tech store. Normally, she doesn't care much for what the Vees do, unless it affects the Hotel and his residents, but it's hard not to get distracted by something so loud and colourful.

The former Exorcist shoots the Radio Demon a look as Vox mocks him from the screens, and she's ready to swear that she has seen his eye and ears twitch in annoyance.

"Geez, what a douchebag," Vaggie huffs out, rolling her eye. "I don't get why people waste their time with his shit. I mean, the stuff he makes is good, but the guy? Can't stand him."

She and Alastor don't always get along, but he has risked his life for them during the battle. The least she can do is standing up for him.

"And I can't fucking believe that he's acting all smug after you kicked his sorry screen in front of the whole city. Seriously, does he have a death wish or something?"

Alastor cocks an eyebrow in the angel's direction, even if it's hard to say whether or not he is surprised by her open support. It's certainly new, he can admit that much, but he can see where it comes from. Before he banishment, Vaggie's whole world used to revolve around the camaraderie among comrades-in-arms. The two of them have become that, in a way, during the past year, so it makes sense that she would look at him as such.

"That's one of the many reasons why I don't waste my time with these foolish picture boxes, my dear," he claims, hooking his arm around hers to more easily stir her away from the shop window. "While I find your distaste very relatable, it's best to pay no mind to any of that. After all, the most effective way to deal with attention seekers is to ignore them."

Of course, he's very well aware that he won't go unnoticed. Whenever he's closed to any of Vox's visual devices, he distorts their feed, alerting the other Overlord of his presence. He could avoid it, if he truly wanted to, but deep down he enjoys how he can unsettle his self-appointed rival with his mere presence.

"Come along now. We have actually relevant affairs to take care of. Let them waste their time with this nonsense."

[changbinsnmb1simp]

My thoughts on the ZB1 lineup.

Not proof read.

So while I don't HATE it, it's not the greatest. All the boys in lineup besides two are Korean. They dont even have a Japanese member. Keita and Jay were robbed fr but anyways. Here are my thoughts on the members, and just what I have to say about the group.

lets see if yall can tell who I'm probably gonna ult just by reading this lol.

P01 - Zhanghao: Honestly, ever since the 3rd elimination I was rooting for him to take over shanbin's spot just once. I thought it would be funny, iconic, and legendary if he did it. One thing I didn't expect was for it to happen in the finale. HOLY CRAP i was shocked. The first ever non Korean to win 1st place in an Mnet survival show, and one of the only few who in survival shows in general (from what I have seen anyways). He caught my eyes from he start, mainly because of his adorable ears that stick out. he wears them proudly and i love him for that. truly an icon. He doesn't suit Korean beauty standards, he was the nugu center, he had no prior fanbase, and he worked himself up from the bottom to the top. I am SO excited to hear his voice shine be itself in a solo song, and standout amongst the rest of the voices in ZB1 (I was bouta call them bep1er no joke). Charisma Zhanghao!!

P02 - Shanbin: I mean we all new he was debuting. He is the Korean center, hes been popular since day one, he is extreamly loveable, talented, FINE oh my gawsh (go look at the recent photoshoot he did omfg sir) He did a great job maintaining his 1st place spot until the end, and I salute to him forbeing able to hold it. I can already see it. The 5th gen IT boy! Or prince. Idk there are like 3 different titles he could have. He could also be the 5th gen ace or visual. Which one do Y'all think?

P03 - Matthew: I have been rooting for matthew since day one. As soon as i saw there was a Canadian on the show I jumped (as I am also Canadian lol). It was my lifes mission to make sure he debuted. After Haruto (my original 1 pick), I knew I was switching to Matthew and Jay ( I have been supporting Jay since 2019 it only made sense for me to continue so I voted them on seperate devices). Matthew has always just been there to make my day. Just looking at him makes me smile. I am so happy we managed to get him back up higher i the top 9. He was shocked when he heard his name, and so was I. I cried happy tears with his sister lol. I like spammed her in instagram congratulating her. it was an emotional 10 minutes. DESERVED MATTHEW SEOK

P04 - Ricky: I was not expecting to see him sky rocket that high. When I first heard his name I was like "His one pick was that strong!?". I didn't see many people voting for him online other than a small group on a discord server I am on. Don't get me wrong he was in my top 9 but I really didn't expect his fandom to come through at all. I am so proud of him, and so happy he ranked as high as he did. He truly deserved it.

P05 - Gunwook: While I was expecting him to debut, I didn't hink he would ran so high. I was expecting maybe between 7-9th area especially because he has never been above rank 9 before, but his 1 pick came in clutch. I know he has had a solid fanbase since the beginning of the shw, I just thought other people would make it in front of him? I almost cried when I saw he was called. I was like "Holy shit he actually made it!?!?!". Proud mother moment fr.

P06 - Taerae: to say I was shocked. I mean 3 days before he was 11th place!? I was not expecting his 1 pik to sky rocket THAT MUCH. I mean deserved! ZB1's highnote boi!! I love his vocal tone, and though he wasn't in my top 9 he was very close to it. He was like my 10th/11th pick I can't remember anymore, all I know is i am sad none of his other wakeone boys made it in the group with him and i really hope he adapts fast. He isn't as close with a few of the members from what i know but i am sure he will warm up. CONGRATS TAERAEEEE.

P07 - Gyuvin: Tbh, he didn't catch my eyes. I didn't hate him, I actually thought he was really cute and funny, I just though other people were a bit better than him. That was a while ago though. Over the past 3 weeks, Gyuvin grew on me a lot. While he may not be the most rounded, he is def talented and def deserved a spot in ZB1! I am very proud of him, and I as quite shocked considering he has dropped to 16th before. I didn't have much hope in his 1 pick, but I was pleasently surprised. SLAY GYUVIN!!!!!

P08 - Jiwoong: I knew he was going to debut, I just didn't know at what rank. He has always been one of my picks, ever since i first saw he was going to be on boys planet. I have watched his past dramas, and heard much good stuff about him. I am vry happy a BL actor has made it in the group, just because it can open so many oppertunities for zb1 in the western audience and really just any audience, jiwoong will also soon be staring in a new drama I believe so look out for them! I really cherish Jiwoong. I think he is very talented. The groups hidden all rounder if you would. I can see him or ZHanghao being an amazing leader, but I thik I would perfer Jiwoong be leader.

P09 - Yujin: Just like Gyuvin, he was kinda just there for me throughout the show, but I am sure as he gets more screen time and we get to see the real him, he will grow on me more. I have never at any point ever hated any of the trainees. they are all sweet to me in their own ways, and some more than others. I am very proud of Yujin, and in my op he isn't too young to debut. I could argue that here for hours but I would rather just leave it at this and if you are curious to as why I think that just ask me in the comments. Also, seeing Yujin and Jiwoong harmonize the other day...man... that kid has a voice, hes just a teenager lol, so ofc his voice is gonna crack and change and sound weird at times. I think he deserved this spot a lot tbh, he is a great maknae for the group!

SO overall, I do really like this lineup. I am def going to be ulting this group, I know that for sure. 6/9 of my picks made it (Matthew, SHanbin, Zhanghao, Jiwoong, Gunwook, ricky)

extra; positions I think will be given toeach member.

Zhanghao - Leader, lead vocal, center

Shanbin - FOTG, main vocal, main dancer

Matthew - vocalist, sub rapper,

Ricky - Sub vocal, rapper, main dancer

Gunwook - Main rapper, vocalist

Taerae - main vocal, prince of the group (i made that up but eh)

Gyuvin - lead dancer, lead rapper, visual

Jiwoong - leader 2, rapper, sub vocal

Yujin - Maknae, rapper, main dancer

keep in mind though, since this is 5th gen, they may just discard the whole "position" thing and have them all do a bit of everything considering they all have very unique voices (especially Hao, Taerae, and Jiwoong. Somewhat shanbin) but if we are following your usual 4th gen 9 member group structure, i think these would be the positions.

now... line distribution... well.

Most to least:

Shanbin 30+ seconds

Taerae (he will have a lot of adlibs) 17-20 secs of acual lines +10 for adlibs

Zhanghao 24-27 seconds

Gunwook 20-23 seconds

Matthew/Jiwoong (back and fourth it depends) 15-17 seconds

Gyuvin/Yujin (same with Jiwoong and Matthew) 14-16 seconds

Ricky (I just have that really good feeling hes the Xiaotng of the group) anywhere between 8-17 seconds (hes's mostly last cuz he will vary)

[vivid-ink]

Hello babe <3 If you don't already know, I am obsessed with your story the Love Shack! Since it has come to a beautiful close I figure it was time to pay my respects and let you know specifically why this story is so fantastic.

First of all let me start by saying, I was so entranced by this story and emotional over it that after reading the last chapter I ended up talking about it with my boyfriend for over an hour! He let me reccount the whole story in full detail while we ate dinner and let me tell you, he got invested!! At first he was just listening to be nice to me but it got to a point where when I would pause to scarf down food for a few minutes he would get so impatient for me to continue. He's just glaring at me like "Bitch, what did Neyomi do? You can't leave me hanging like that!" I thoroughly enjoyed it, so basically he too is a fan now.

Girl, the way I went into this series thinking "ooh this will be a nice steamy threesome" and then somehow ended up balling my eyes out with every chaper, ILLEGAL! You had me crying within the first few paragraphs of the last chapter. Just for some perspective I actually don't remember the last time I legitimately cried full on while reading. I was holding back sobs so my roomate wouldn't come check up on me. Needless to say, you had me in a chokehold, sis. And I'm living for it! This will definitely be one of my favorite stories to reread and I think about it very often.

I could go on and on about the specific reasons I feel that this story enraptured me, but here are just a few.

Your depiction of Neteyam is honest to Eywa one of my all time favorites! Not only do I feel like he is very representative of the canon character but also extremely captivating. One of the reasons I think Neteyam (and truly all Na'vi men) is so hot is becuase of the raw male power tha radiates off of him, and I mean in the best way possible. Like other Na'vi males he shows that he can be a provider and protector (which biologically does something to me so I can not be blamed for finding this appealing haha) while also holding himself with a confidence and sense of responsibility that only a true man can capture. You get so many reminders of this power in your writing, even just in the way you describe his attire. Things like his battle band and sheathed knife or bow all serve as visual reminders that Neteyam is a respectable powerful and influential male that will someday be Olo'eyktan. And then to see him crumble and shake and quiver for Neyomi....that is so hot! I'm not sure if any of that made sense but basically, you nailed Neteyam. (not mad about the double meaning there haha).

Then there's Lo'ak who I have decided is the MVP in this story AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE MY MIND! He shows such a wonderful side of Lo'ak's character that doesn't often get displayed. He is still rebellious and free and a troublemaker, but deep down he loves his brother so much and isn't wiling to let Neteyam get in his own way of his happiness. Not only did the poor man have to witness Neyomi and Neteyam disregard his advice constantly while he suffered to watch but he straight up took a few punches in the face just to get Neteyam to work out his own shit. That is the fire I love about, Lo'ak. Consequences be damned, he will do what needs to be done. He is the ultimate wingman and I truly love him so much in this story. Without him let's face it, those two would have ended up miserable. He is the hero of this story and the main person that made me hold onto hope throughout each chapter.

Neyomi was also such a beautiful character. She is a perfect blend of independant and strong while still embracing her feminine side. I love seeing female characters like this because it shows that this duality exists and it's okay to embrace our own masculine and feminine traits within each of us. Sure she was stubborn as heck (and so was Neteyam of course) but she never completely surrendered herself to grief. She let herself cry and feel her emotions, but still tried to press forward with her life no matter how much her heart ached. I respect that.

What I'm trying to get at babe is that you have TALENT! Your storytelling completely transported me and I wish I could read the whole thing again for the first time. Please write a book or something because I would genuinly read an 800 page book if it meant you were the author. Thank you for all the time and efffort that you have put into your stories and into this community. I know how long projects like these take and I really do appreciate you putting the work in. I hope you have fabulous day! Thanks for reading my very long ramble. Sending you many forehead kisses <3

Oh my goodness, @wheneclipsefalls THANK YOU for your amazing message! I can't believe you got your boyfriend invested in 'The Love Shack'! Your storytelling skills must be A+++ if you recounted it all to him & it kept his interest! 🤣 My husband sighs every time I start talking about Avatar lol!

GURLLL, we all go crazy for a big, strong man who has a good balance of dominance and tenderness... I'm glad you like my portrayal of an adult Neteyam. 😁 I try to keep my characters as well-balanced & as true to canon as I feel they should be. As for my OCs, I always create a little mindmap of them and what their personalities/characteristics are before I start writing. It's like I need to bring life to them that way first. I wanted Neyomi to have a good balance of hard and soft, if that makes sense (I feel like I always write my female leads this way, in different ways), so I'm happy if you feel I've nailed this. I seem to have an inability to write quick drabbles (you may have noticed lol), so the result is usually fleshed out characters and fleshed out plots. 😛 Lo'ak is absolutely MVP #1 in 'The Love Shack'. I often see Neteyam being touted as the 'bestest big bro ever', which I completely agree with. I wanted to portray a more mature Lo'ak who loves & appreciates his big bro, so I thought what better way to do this than to have him repay the favour and look out for Neteyam. 🥰

You want me to write a book?? 🥹 I'm so flattered. I kind of did, in a way. My first Neteyam story 'Violet Eyes' is 20 chapters and 150k words. I always promote this work because it's my proudest achievement to date. It's a real unpredictable rollercoaster with a completely original narrative. Give it a try if you haven't & I hope you love it too.

Honestly, thank you for taking the time to leave me your message. This past 10 months has been full of creative fulfilment writing for the ATWOW fandom. All my works are in my masterlist. It is always such a JOY to hear from readers who have been moved by my work. You have absolutely made my day, my lovely. 😘😘😘 Thank you, THANK YOU so much for your support. A thousand forehead kisses back at ya. xx

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Least Effective Suicide Methods (not completed and needing paragraph breaks)

I have seen many botched attempts which have honestly prevented me from ever getting depressed enough to "pull the trigger" so to speak. It is a dark topic, but I am convinced that this knowledge has been valuable to me and might actually be valuable to others as well.

1-Shooting oneself in the head can go seriously wrong, leaving a person damaged, alive, with multiple deformities and brain injury. This story is a strange and graphic one. It started as a man with a self inflicted shotgun blast to the lower face. He had no lower jaw, tongue, was partially blind in one eye, and there was significant damage to his hard and soft palate, bone fragments lodged below his orbital socket, and it was beginning to swell and bulge. He had a gaping neck wound as well. His final words according to his spouse before he pulled the trigger was, "You love that damned dog more than you love me".

They brought him to the closest hospital they could for stabilization, which was ours, and I was pretty green, to put it mildly. A had been a nurse for about 6 months. This was the day I learned what blood smelled like. It smelled like the sweaty palm of your hand after holding pennies for a long time. He never lost consciousness, he was sitting straight up in the bed. We worked on him for one hour (an eternity in this situation) before he was able to be transferred.

I will never forget his eyes. They were huge, blue, pupils dilated as they should have been because he was certainly in as close to panic mode as one ever could or should be. I never thought he would survive. He was a 72 year old veteran. His face had no lower half, it looked like fresh hamburger meat with blood oozing and squirting from the neck. Finding his airway for a cricothyroidotomy was not a simple task. He tried to speak, and each time he did, the two mangled flaps of bloody meat on the sides of the lower half of his face (the area where his lower jaw was supposed to be) would contract and blood would squirt further as he garbled with a wet voice as if he were under thick water. It visually reminded me of the Predator (from the film), how the lower jaw was unhinged. This sight was truly the stuff of nightmares. However, this was a human man, with a family.

Regardless of how suddenly lightheaded I became when the suction catheter had what I thought was a tooth stuck to the end of it (which was revealed to be a shard of jawbone) I had to pull my shit together. This was one of those "all hands on deck" situations, and everything that could have gone wrong certainly did. Equipment was missing or locked away, the person with the keys had to be called from home, it was late at night during winter with poor road conditions. There was no "cric" kit to be found.

This story is tragic, but doesn't end with his immediate demise. I saw the man a few months later being pushed in a wheelchair down the hallway to our rehabilitation section of the hospital. His eyes were unmistakable. I dropped what was in my hand because I thought I was looking at a ghost. We rarely hear the outcomes of these types of situations and are usually left to guess. My guess was he died. I was wrong.

I had the pleasure of taking care of this dear, kind man during his short stay for rehabilitation. He was getting infections and his body was rejecting the hardware and titanium implanted into it. He had no tongue and had to write on notepads. He wrote to me that he had no recollection of the event at all. For which I told him, "Thank God", because I can't and will not ever forget it. I am certainly glad he was spared of this burden.

At his bedside, a fancy photo frame with an 8x10 of a cute little dog. It was the only photo on the nightstand the entire time he was a patient there. The first day he was back, remembering the story of his final verbal uttering, I said, "what a cute dog you have". I wondered if this were THE dog. The reason he supposedly pulled the trigger in the first place.

He wrote "It's not my dog. Its my wife's". He did not look pleased and furrowed his brow. I didn't bring it up again, but during the few weeks I took care of him, she brought the dog every day and they would walk it together outside of the hospital. I then had to wonder what kind of family dynamic that must have been. I never brought the dog up again. I found out that he lived for 2 years after that, had multiple painful and reconstructive surgeries and he ultimately succumbed to sepsis stemming from an infection of his jaw. This is the one and only person with a self inflicted shotgun blast to the face/head I ever cared for, and I am quite okay with NEVER doing it again.

2-Cutting ones own throat with a box cutter might seem to be effective, however the primary drive to avoid pain and protect ones vital organs and arteries will usually cause the neck muscles to tense. One particular fellow slashed both sides of his throat to the extent there were large squares of meat missing. He slashed both sides deeply in the neighborhood of 30+ times. Somehow he managed to miss both of his carotid arteries and jugular veins. He was left with multiple scars as a reminder to himself and anyone who saw him not wearing a turtle neck.

3-A cry for help can lead to organ failure and a painful death. A young man took a bottle of extra strength Tylenol as a gesture thinking it might get the attention of his parents. It left him with permanent liver damage, multiple stents in the hospital which he ultimately did die from years later.

4-Opiate overdoses have left people on ventilators for extensive periods of time while the families have argued and debated what to do and when and if to "pull the plug". Some poor souls have been kept alive for many months and years without the ability to communicate or even breathe on their own.

5-A Fentanyl related overdose left a woman with only one leg, due to an extensive period of time slumped over on it, leaving the limb without circulation. She ultimately never recovered brain function, so the leg was the least of the concerns at the time. This "suicide attempt" was successful, but it was apparently unintentional according to the scene that was left behind and the story of the night before she was found.

6-Medication overdoses can go wrong in several ways, and I have seen some ugly ones. An unfortunate man took too many sedatives in a suicide attempt. He was found face down, having been in the same position so long that his nose began to necrose. He ended up with facial scarring and lost part of his nose due to extensive lack of circulation. He did not die, but he was certainly reminded every time he looked in the mirror.

7-Hanging oneself is not extremely effective, I have seen many survivors of the noose. It can lead to neck fractures, permanent disability, brain damage, and a litany of other long term painful conditions.

8-Cutting ones wrists is a cliche'd and ineffective way to kill one's self. The tendons in the wrist, as with the throat, inevitably will tense and protect the arteries, and frankly wrist veins are very thin and don't have enough blood volume to get the job done before clotting. Side note-I did however see a fellow who passed out with a piece of glass in the center of his palm. He had "miraculously" hit the largest artery in his hand and bled out over several hours. By the time he arrived to the emergency department, he was gray, ashen, and very close to death. He was stitched and transfused and ultimately survived.

#do not read if triggered by graphic descriptions this is my therapy