#i defo need a therapist at some point in my life

[pipertransgirl]

First Steps...

Hey hey, I'm Piper and I've just started my journey transitioning from the androgen soaked male impostor I've been playing for the past 40ish years to the soon to be uncloseted femme that's been living inside me for all these decades. The last few years I've been feeling like she is ripping through my chest most days, impostor syndrome is very much alive and well.

I've decided to start a journal to not only share my personal experience transitioning, but also to keep track of what I hope will be positive progress both physically and mentally. Soooo, in the spirit of sharing I'll be taking measurements, sharing my mental journey, and probably also venting a little bit. As much as I'd like to share facial changes I'm very much aware of the dangers of doing so... Well, that and I suffer from debilitating dysphoria when it comes to my face... Maybe that's something that will change as I progress, maybe it won't.

CURRENT STATE OF BEING:

Right now I'm on the cusp of starting HRT, just about to have my final blood tests before my dr can prescribe me hormones. I'll be starting with Estradiol Gel and Cyproterone Acetate with 3 monthly checkups to re-evaluate my general health and hormone levels. Results might be something worth sharing if it helps someone...

I've been suffering with increasingly debilitating dysphoria for the better part of 30 years. At first it was tolerable, however it's gotten to the point where I basically never leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary (food shopping etc). I've suffered panic attacks and chronic anxiety for maybe the last 10 years, though I've been getting that under control with both meditation and a supplement regime including things like Ashwagandha and L-Theanine. Definitely something I'd like to talk more about at some point, it's helped me tremendously and may help someone else.

Right now I'm at the point of "if this doesn't work out I can always check out from life, but if I don't do something now, then I might aswell just get it over with". I am literally done with life if my current state of being is how it's going to be. I have a therapist, and am working on my mental state and personal existential crisis. I don't know if this is going to turn out well, just know that I need to do something, because pretending I don't exist hasn't worked despite me trying several approaches including drugs, psychotherapy, self denial, stoicism and many others.

NEXT STEPS:

Blood tests next week, hopefully all is well and I can start HRT immediately (pending step 2), fingers and toes crossed!

I have to quit smoking after some 30 years of habitual use despite working in cancer research for the last 15 years. Yep, my life is a literal paradox in more ways than one! Got any tips??

I have recently quit my job due to dysphoria becoming so debilitating, so I'm starting up my own Etsy Store making trans orientated clothing as I love designing garments and sewing. Getting myself a space setup to work is important as I have limited funds to survive without income, so that's defo on the todo list!

Better get A into G huh! Happy Friday all xo

[haikyuu-tee]

Daichi

- He would honestly think it was pretty endearing when his s/o first mentions it.

- It was probably downplayed a lot tho, so he doesn’t realize how bad it is until he sees them do their little running down the hall for dear life thing.

- Daichi is a good guy, but he also doesn’t like to let negative things fester. He’d rather fix it even if it seems harmless.

- He would defo be the one to try force his s/o to slowly get over their fears.

- It would be slow, like them watching him turn off all the lights and slowly walk through the dark to prove nothing is going to get them

- Then he’d probably have them do it together, and would hold their hand to give them comfort but also highkey make sure they don’t run

- Then he’d make them do it by themselves while he watches from a lit room that they can see him from

- When it gets to this point he would be a little worried and constantly reassure his lover that he would never let anyone hurt them, and if they get scared to just tell him and he will run to their side for comfort. 

- If they needed him to do this a few times he would, but would always gently push them like “You’ll get it the next time, and if you don’t I will be right there to make sure you’re okay.”

Sugawara:

- He would tease his s/o about it a little bit, again before seeing how bad it is.

- “You’re scared of the dark? That’s so cute.”

- He would probably watch them do their thing at night and just offer them lots of physical affection.

- Big cuddles in bed, and trying not to laugh too much at how silly they look doing it.

- He would get serious if it was something that really bothered his s/o but he wouldn’t try to change anything unless they ask him to help

- Suga is the type to not want to change any of his s/o’s little quirks, because he loves them all, and if they dislike it and want to change it, that's okay too, because he’d still love them without it.

Asahi:

- WOULD ALSO BE TERRIFIED.

- I imagine his reaction to be my favorite.

- “Do you live in a bad neighborhood? Is there a lot of crime near you? Is your place HaUNteD????”

- Anxiety central, would convince himself a serial killing ghost lived in the dark corners of his S/o’s place

- Would try to be manly and offer to do the lights himself but would end up full sprinting down the hall and jumping into his lover’s arms

- He’d often suggest staying at his place, because there aren’t any ghosts… he thinks.

Tanaka:

- The most melodramatic bitch. We stan.

- Would deadass try to fight the dark for his s/o

- Like wouldn’t turn the lights off for them, he’d just walk next to them like a bodyguard and start swinging at the air whenever they even seem uncomfortable.

- Would honestly be so serious it would be too funny for his s/o to be as scared as much as they normally would.

- “Babe, do you need me to have a chat with the dark? I can intimidate the dark, I’ll do that for you.”

- He’s the sweetest bb boy but also a lil dumb. I love him.

Ennoshita:

- Would be a mix of Suga and Daichi, he would be concerned but also like want to have an actual conversation about the issue before deciding to “fix” anything

- Would have no idea where to start if his s/o did ask for his help.

- He’d probably read into immersion therapy before trying anything, but would also push his s/o into trying a talk therapist first to see where the phobia stems from

- If his s/o insists Ennoshita is the one who needs to help them, he’d be pretty hard ass about it.

- He doesn’t want to be too soft and create a dependency situation. He wants to make sure they can do it even if he isn’t there to comfort them afterwards

- Of course he does it with love though, and he feels awful every time he has to force them into an uncomfortable situation. Especially when they start upping the intensity.

- Immersion therapy is done in steps, small things at first that get harder and harder for a patient to do. Obviously the idea is to get them to be in a situation where the thing they were scared of no longer seems like a huge deal anymore.

- He would be very careful about it though, he hates to think of pushing someone he cares about to the point of it becoming painful. But also thinks love is about being able to push your partner to better themselves.

Nishinoya:

- He’d want to be your knight in shining armor.

- I can see him literally making a big show of him telling the “Scary things in the dark” to back off and stop bothering his s/o

- He’d tell them that they have nothing to worry about, because if there was a break in he’d make sure nothing happens to them, and that he is willing to always be there to protect them.

- Nishinoya would mean it too, he’d come over every night to make sure you get to bed okay, if he can’t sleep over he’d talk to you on the phone and hang out nearby until you fall asleep.

- This boy is extra as hell, but we love him for it.

Kageyama:

- Wouldn’t understand it really

- “It’s just the dark, what’s so scary about it?”

- If his s/o is patient and really explains it to him, he would try to be helpful.

- Lots of phone calls at lights out time.

- If he was over he would just offer to do it himself so his s/o wouldn’t have to worry about it.

- He’d do his very best but is not sure how to comfort people when they are upset

Hinata:

- Little sunshine boyo!

- I feel like he would be 100% the most understanding person out of the bunch, especially since he has his little sister Natsu and we knowwwww Hinata Shoyo is the best big bro ever.

- He would try things he had done with Natsu when she was scared, nightlights, stuffed animals, offer to stay the night, whatever you need.

- The last one would make him embarrassed and he’d just panic for a second, and offer to call you every night

- He isn’t condescending about it, but he defo would treat his s/o a bit like a little kid

- He is worried, and just wants to bring you comfort in the way he knows how.

Yams:

- Lowkey version of Asahi’s reaction, he would also be pretty anxious and understand his s/o’s point that there is a possibility of danger when you can’t see.

- He would want to be brave and helpful but honestly would be pretty norvous about it.

- I feel like if he’s over at their house he’d be like “Oh I’ll get the light don’t worry about it!” (much like asahi) but instead of sprinting he’d just be forcing himself to go at a normal speed and freaking out internally.

 - He is a worrywart as well, but he also has shown be respond very well to coping mechanism, I feel like he’d try to research about it to give them some suggestions to try out, in hopes that it will make you feel better.

Tsukishima: 

- He’s the only one I think out of everyone who would really tease an s/o about still being scared of the dark.

- He’d try to give them facts about how unlikely it is someone would break in, and that they could get a security system, and its more likely to happen during the day than it would ever be at night.

- If it was just the fear of being unable to see if something is with you or not, he’d tell you that of course there aren’t monsters that only appear in the dark.

- He’s not trying to be insensitive or cold, because I don’t see him that way, he just understands things best through logic, and that’s how he tries to comfort.

- I see our little Tsuki being worried enough to shyly handing you his favorite dinosaur plushie as a child. He would adjust his glasses, and try not to blush or freak out too much, he’d keep his face as normal as possible. However, his s/o is the only one special enough for him to do embarrassing things like this for.

[thengbhoodie]

Diary #1

i don’t think love is anything else than a series of events that attach your to a person. i don’t really know what to say right now but 15 yr old me used to love it here and to be honest 19 yr old me isn’t less depressed than 4 yrs back. I have my moments, sometimes I feel like I am actually doing something with my life and actually study for whatever subject in my English Degree but most of the time I can’t be bothered, it just doesn’t fascinate me. I definitely needs to do something that motivates me otherwise I just don’t do it. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me more stupid than everyone doing jobs that they hate or if it just makes me more passionate. Same thing goes in my romantic life, i’ve been in a committed relationship for the past 3 years, I say committed as if he hasn’t been texting, sexting and sending nudes to chicks on and off during the whole relationship and not just plan aesthetic nudes but graphic nudes. Not sure if that makes a difference, however I don’t seem to care. Problem is I don’t seem to care about anything nowadays not even the fact my mum keeps sending me money bc she thinks i’m going to uni everyday which I mean come on, i’m not. But don’t get it twisted, that doesn’t make me an ungrateful bitch because I thank her as much as I can and am so “”blessed”” to have her as my mum. But circling back to the boyfriend thing. I am terrified of being alone. There’s the first time I’m actually admitting that. That maybe I’ve stuck around for so fucking long not because I love him but because I’m fucking terrified of being alone. It sucks. I have no balls. But on the other hand it wasn’t always like this, don’t get me wrong everybody makes mistakes, but he was making the same one over and over again I think at some point, even if I can’t exactly pinpoint the exact time, my heart just broke and I feel like things are this huge pile of plates smashed down on the kitchen floor and I saw the plates fall but I mean there’s not much I could do about it except just clean up the mess when they’re done breaking. What should I do I wonder. One thing I always pride myself on is that i’m such a scorpio, i’m so intense and loyal in relationships like i’ll never leave your side if you do me right and even if you do me wrong I latch on until my heart is broken beyond repair. I don’t want to turn into him. I don’t want to cheat on him but at the same time, I don’t want to be this perfect lil girlfriend figure while he’s out there on social media and dating app trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side. I’m beyond confused, I don’t know who I want to be, I barely know who I actually am and I don’t know who I want to date. I could date no-one but imagine if I have a car accident tomorrow ? so dramatic I know but still, I met someone else who makes me happy at the minute who makes me laugh and is so hot but has a gf. There’s always a but. Tried being more flirtatious with him today and it defo worked, which ps; +50 for thengbhoodie’s self esteem. Another thing about me, I actually do not lack self esteem, if anything I tend to come across rather cocky. I don’t mind it, i’m hot and a smart ass so if people want to dismiss me just because I find myself physically and intellectually attractive then that’s there problem not mine.

I’ve been feeling like this ball of anxiety just waiting to fucking explode tonight and I don’t know if it’s because today mystery man almost gave in to the temptation, if i’m right now sleeping next to a man I no longer love deeply and passionately or if I’m scared that mystery man will take one look at me next time we meet and decide his gf is way better. Even if i’m hotter he’s still in love with her and I get that. I also respect it to a certain extent, I wish I still had that. I think that’s what frustrates me the most, knowing I was so in love with my bf before he pulled all his crap and knowing myself I wouldn’t have fell out of love without a reason so basically he screwed everything up. I had plans on having kids with this man, now it just feels like i’m drowning underwater with no chance of ever reaching the surface.

I’ll leave you on that note. My mac is dying but I don’t have the money for a therapist so I definitely be back. To you futur me, I hope the situation has cleared up. I hope you’re not as lost and insomniac as you used to be and I hope the constant pit in your stomach is filled at some point. But baby steps, let’s just say I hope in this sea of self confusion you’ve managed to latch onto a branch so you can take a break from your lingering efforts because maybe hoping for a lifeboat is too many lightyears ahead.