#i don’t have much of a support system outside Hashem

[animazed]

and i can’t tell if you’re laughing

between each smile there’s a tear in your eye

there’s a train leaving town in an hour

it’s not waiting for you,

and neither am I

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

i have been yearning to be more observant for years now and never been at a place in my life where i can be there is not much of a jewish community around me and living with my mom who doesnt keep kosher makes it very hard and i had thought for a long time about going to seminary but it feels like the pandemic has just ruined my trajectory and it feels very hard starting from the ground up at 22 like would i be the odd one out and it feels hopeless thinking about marriage on that timeline

I think there are a lot of people feeling similarly about the pandemic. No one planned to have a year and counting where their lives were totally upended and/or put on hold. No one planned to be here, and it’s easy to get caught up wondering where we would be if 2020 had proceeded normally. I know I do - I wonder all the time what it would be like if my son had been in childcare this whole time and I’d been in the office and my husband’s classes had all been on campus. 

But at the end of the day, the pandemic did happen, and everything is under Hashem’s control. So whatever your trajectory was “supposed” to be, that’s not what Hashem wanted it to be - this is it. This is where you are and this is what you’ve got to work with, for better or worse.

First of all, remember that observance is not all or nothing. It would be great if you could take on kashrus, but if you don’t feel that that is reasonably possible under the current circumstances, that doesn’t mean you can’t, say, keep Shabbos. Or say brachos over your food. Or daven. Or dress according to tznius. There is no rule that you are forbidden from doing any mitzvos that you aren’t already doing if there’s one (or more) that you can’t currently do. 

And it would be great if you could go to seminary right now, but if you can’t, there are plenty of people who become more observant outside the context of seminary (myself included - I had already been frum for a few years by the time I went). In fact, I actually think it’s better that way. Becoming observant in seminary or yeshiva is becoming observant in a bubble where every change you make is fully supported by your environment and everyone around you. Which has its merits, don’t get me wrong. But if you become observant in that context, it can be quite a shock to the system when you suddenly find yourself back in the “real” world where nothing is set up to cater to your newfound observance, and some people end up backsliding when they have to deal with that. Whereas people who become more observant while living their ordinary lives overcome those challenges as they grow in observance and are therefore better equipped to deal with them going forward.

Also, 22 is a completely normal age to become more observant. Many, many people do it at that age or only slightly earlier; it’s not all that common to happen too much younger unless the entire family  becomes more observant together. I was 19 when I started but I believe my husband was more like 21. As you can see we got married, and we were not the odd ones out in that regard. You’re young. You have (KA”H) the vast majority of your life still ahead of you - it would be a shame not to live it the way you want to out of a misguided sense that you’re too late to do so.