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#i dont hate the cheerers. I dont want ppl to feel bad. when im slightly better i appreciate it for what it is.
yappacadaver
·
1 month
Text
im still so tired mang like fuck. fuckkkk
#i dont have anyone in my life who gets it like no one i know is trapped like i am it seems
#i just want to know how to fix it all and myself yk
#more than that though i just wish i had someonewho could stomach fighting this by my side. i genuinely dont think i can do it alone
#like i feel like im slowly drowning in mud
#and everyone wants to stand at the edge and cheer for me for a bit but like i dont need that
#i need a hand
#or 10
#but no one wants to get themselves all muddy and it's generally frowned upon to ask anyone to get themself all muddy
#and it's also frowned upon to freak out at the people cheering and i dont even want to do that like.
#i dont hate the cheerers. I dont want ppl to feel bad. when im slightly better i appreciate it for what it is.
#but it just. really emphasizes that feeling of untouchableness ig. and sometimes i feel like a show
#ik it's just like. i wasn't properly socialized as a child and i dont know how to experience gratitude or how to place value on the words
#and platitudes that seem to really help other people feel better
#but like the second i think about it it's like yea i can do a lot of things to make myself FEEL better. for like a second or two
#but nothing fundamentally changes in my life so what is that even worth?? genuinely? and for what it costs is it even a fair trade?
#idk what im trying to say but basically. if you've offered verbal support to me-- thank you. and im sorry it doesn't have the desired effec
#i too wish i wasn't like this. i too wish my problems started and ended in my own feelings.
#kindness is kindness and it should be appreciated as such. pls dont let my mental breakdown convince you otherwise
#just know that this is me keeping a lid on it and not getting myself another involuntary hold
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